Ex- Husband's Wife Don't Want Me Around!

Trust me, don't start making the kids choose now, they've been lucky enough to be able to hang out with both of their parents at the same time all these years, and it should continue that way. My parents were friends until my dad remarried. I was about 19. She decided my mom was the worst person in the world and started spreading lies about her. She would talk about her in front of us, and after my daughter's first birthday, she had dad inform me that they would no longer be attending functions where my mom was going to be because my mom had been "mean" to her, which is a complete lie. Anyway, ever since me, my sister, and my brother have had to deal with so much drama from my stepmom. We also have to do separate parties for important things because to have just one would mean we're inviting the drama. If I were in your situation, having experienced it from your children's points of view, I would call and ask to speak with her directly, with your husband on the line at the same time so she can't lie about what was said. I would just explain to her that you understand how difficult it must be to feel like your sharing your husband with the mother of his children. I would encourage her to speak freely with her feelings to you. Tell her that the number one reason why you and her husband still talk is for the sake of the children. Tell her how hard it would be for the kids if you and her can't get along and the tension the kids would feel at the important events in their lives, instead of just being able to take things in and enjoy celebrating with those they love. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable about it. Remember, this is a self esteem issue for her. It's sad and really she's probably hurting because she doesn't feel confident enough about herself to be okay with him spending time with someone he has such an intimate past with. So, try to find out what you can do to help, and ask her to please understand the importance of you having a good relationship. Also, I'd tell her how happy you are to see how happy the kids' dad is with her, try to make her see that she is important to the family also. Trust me, you need to do what you can to fix this. My wedding was awful because there were so many lies floating around by my stepmom. The birth of my first child was so stressful because all I could think about was "what is going to happen if my mom/stepdad and my dad/stepmom arrive at the same time??" When one was in the room, I was totally nervous the other one was going to walk in. At my second child's birth, it was even more stressful because after my first child's birthday party, there was even more tension between my parents. My sister and brother have the same types of memories when they look back at the important moments in their lives. Instead of looking back and remembering how sweet, perfect, and wonderful those moments were, I remember how stressful they were because of my parents' relationship. Please don't let this happen to your kids.

I think it should be up to your ex-husband if you visit or not, and as far as his wife is concerned, I would set a good example for your children by just being polite to her.
I would limit my actual face-to-face contact with her as much as possible but smile and be polite when you must talk to her.
Also, I would make sure not to speak unkindly of her to your children and remind them that their dad chose her and that they should respect that.
Remember, you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar!

I am a divorced and remarried mother of one. My parents are divorced and remarried, my grandparents are divorced and remarried. EVERYONE is divorced and remarried. In our family it would simply be impossible to spend the holidays together if we divided up all the exes. Typically for small gatherings we may do two parties and try to match up the groups so that the most recent exes are separated, but when it comes to christmas and birthdays it's time for everyone to put on their big boy pants and get along for five or six hours. I can understand that this woman feels uncomfortable coming into a family that is already established, and you and your children should make an effort to make her feel included for your exes sake. Make sure that there is some seperation during the holidays, such as you not staying at the exes house even if that was the norm before, but perhaps your children could sit down with her and their father and gently explain that this is a situation that has worked for your family in the past and it would be creating a hardship for them if they were to have to divide their holiday time between two different locations. Give her as much space as possible and be polite, but step parents have to respect the families that they are marrying into.

I think it's great that you and your ex can enjoy Chrismas with your kids/grand-kids, and that's great. (I'm hoping the times you visit him revolve around times when the kids are also visiting. I'm not sure why you'd visit him without the kids being around (and I know - it is Hawaii after all!!).)

Having had kids (and grandkids) together, it would be completely unreasonable for you two (you and the ex) to cut off contact with each other.

It sounds to me like she's the one who has the problem. That makes it ex-hubby's job to try to smooth the waters. It isn't like you see each other every day, and if she can't handle the family getting together twice a year, then she's not invited anymore.

It could be there are aspects about the relationship she doesn't like - and whether or not her feelings are founded is not the issue. You and he need to figure out how she can be around without her feeling like an intruder, because whether anyone likes it or not, she is your ex's new wife and part of his new life, and needs to not be made out to be an "outsider".

Make sure that, like Dr. Phil says, those with nothing to hide hide nothing. Don't let her find something - be open/honest with her and ask her to be open/honest with you.

As the new wife, she should be interested in the 3rd son getting married and should be invited to the wedding. The ex needs to let her know if she's uncomfortable with attending, then she doesn't have to. If your kids don't care for her much anyway, and your 3rd son is concerned about her being around, then he (and they) should approach ex-hubby about whatever role she may or may not have in his wedding. I do think it'd be rather rude to not at least invite her to the wedding.

Be careful that the new wife isn't being made out to be the "bad guy" or your ex may start harboring resentment and might start not attending family events. Plus it's a two way street. You guys can only do so much to make her feel comfortable around the entire family, and that's something she may not ever be comfortable with because all you guys have a special relationship. She just might have to come to terms with that.

FOr whatever it's worth - and good luck!

How about a good old fashioned CONVERSATION? Sounds like the two of you need to talk.......talk about any issues you have, remind her that he is married to HER and not you and that's the way you want it.

Have her put herself in YOUR situation and if she had kids with another man, what would she want for those kids? Talk about expectations, if any, AND the fact that your kids don't care for her because of the way she treats you. Tell her you WANT them to respect and like her, but unless SHE makes the effort to change her attitude, that's not going to happen.

Ask her what she expects and wants from you. Talk about what is reasonable, etc. I think you'll find this would be very helpful. Hopefully, both of you are mature enough to make this happen. Make a list AHEAD of time if you think that will help.

In my opinion, you have no business "visiting" your ex husband. Now if you are visiting WITH him, as in, you both are at the same place at the same time for the sake of the family, that is different than one of you just going to visit the other.

As for her, let him deal with it. You continue to do what you have always done with regards to your kids and grandkids. Its not really your choice if he decides to bring her to your sons wedding. She has a right to be there as your son's step-mother, unless she is causing drama and problems for your son and he does not want her there.

I am also curious if you have ever actually talked *with* her about the whole situation? Perhaps she doesn't fully understand the dynamics of your family and so she sees you as an intruder to her her "new" family.

Talk to your ex-husband and his wife. The only way to handle this is to have a calm sit down meeting to try to get the "rules" ironed out and make life so no one gets their feelings hurt.

Good luck. These kinds of situations are tough and the advice is always much easier said than done.

Well, I have to agree w/Jamie. You may have been his first wife and before he remarried, you remained friends, but he has moved on and has built a new life for himself w/someone else. Friendship or not, her wishes take precedence and if she is uncomfortable being around you, then so be it. Although, I do have to say that it is admirable in today's society that you were able to remain friends. I would recommend you respect her wishes and cease your friendship with your ex-husband. It is enough to stay amicable and leave the door open for communication should the need arise.
As far as your son's wedding goes, if she's invited, she has a right to be there. Just focus on the happiness that your son will experience this day and don't give 'her' another thought. No doubt, she'll have to deal with her own feelings of being uncomfortable.

My parents are divorced and my mom is remarried and they all seem to get along, we have had times but most generally. I think you need to talk your ex and try to see if he can reason with her a little bit if not for anything but at least the kids the grandkids and as far as the wedding goes, I know you don't really want her there but just think of your son and if he wants her there to keep peace then you just enjoy watching your child get married, DONT LET HER RUIN THAT!!! My dad ex girlfriend, I absoultey did not even like the site of her but to keep the peace and not ruin my day I incorporated her in the wedding slightly. Just don't let this get to you too much, I don't think you and your ex should stop visiting, you share a common bond, children and grandchildren and that is always going to be there. Good luck.

I would agree with the others that he owes it to his current wife to respect her wishes regarding a one on one relationship.

However, you ARE the parents and grandmother of the children (adults and kiddos) and for her to expect you not to attend family celebrations that involve your kids and grandkids (holidays, birthdays, church and school events) is NOT fair and you should not be absent from these events just because she is uncomfortable with your attendance at family events.

I understand your problem well. I'm 27. My parents divorced when I was about 2. My father remarried around 5 years ago now. Before the wedding, his fiance was really nice to me and my sister. She wanted to spend time with us and we did "family" things together. She insisted that she knew and was happy that she was marrying a man who already had a family. She let us help plan the wedding and reception. I'm a wedding coordinator so this was helpful to her. She was very sweet to both of us. After the wedding all was well for awhile. Then she got pregnant. As strange as it was to think of being a big sister (I was the baby) after all these years, we were all happy for them. A little concerned about how the pregnancy would go at her age, but happy. After the baby was born she started being mean to me and my sister. She actually told me to my face, when my dad wasn't around of course, that she wished me and my sister would go away because we were messing up HER perfect family. When I tried to talk to my dad about it he called me a liar. So I've stopped dealing with him about my issues with her.

I told you that to show you that you aren't alone. Dealing with such a big change in the family is rough. She doesn't get along with my mom either. We all get together at Christmas and Easter, sometimes Thanksgiving. My mom and dad are finally friends after a lot of years of not getting along after the divorce. My mom tries to be nice to her but the new wife is jealous of the history she has with my dad. That's why she's so spiteful. At one time they lived not far from my mom and she was worried that living a couple streets over would put him so close to his ex that he'd end up back with her. LOL This woman is a nut. But in trying to see things from her point of view to understand why she behaves that way I came up with something. Maybe it's hard to enter an already established family, especially where the ex is still very present, and figure out where you fit in. Maybe they feel like outsiders when the whole family gathers. Not sure, maybe I'm giving her too much credit and she really is just a mean person. Either way, she's there as long as he wants to be with her. I just try to make the best of it. And I love my little brother, who is 4 now. This is why I put up with her and don't just give up altogether. As far as your son's wedding goes, She's his stepmother...like it or not. If your ex brings her, she has every right to be there. Good luck.

I have a 6 year old, his dad and I were never married, but remain close friends. He is now getting divorced but his soon to be ex-wife was the same way. We celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and buy a gift "from our son" to give to the other at each holiday. She HATED this. She always told me I was trying to steal him away from her and no ex's should be friends it just isn't right in the world. She actually went as far as I was to talk to her and not him and got mad when I refused. I have talked to other people who say they would be very insecure to be the new wife and have the past wife/significant other right there for holidays and such.
I'm sorry to say I don't know how to help...their divorce took care of my situation, but I do understand how you feel.

I think it's great that you and your ex-husband have a working relationship. And first and foremost come the kids - grown or not. I bet your kids love that you and your ex get along so well. And I think as long as your kids are there when you visit, you're ok. I would by no means visit him if your kids aren't present, though. I guess I feel like if you are on good terms with your ex for your children it's ok. But to just be friends for you may be crossing a line. I'd speak to your ex about it. And just as I feel its ok for you to see him for your kids, I feel it's equally ok for your ex's wife to be at your son's wedding. Good luck.

I doubt she's jealous, but she may be insecure. And maybe she has a right to be - you don't know everything your ex may have said about you. Furthermore, if you get together and you and your kids don't like her, she's the odd one out, not you. That would make anyone insecure!

But I think it would be a terrible idea to encourage your kids to be distant with her. She is their father's wife, and as such has every right to attend the wedding. I don't really know why you would be uncomfortable - as I said, she's the odd man out, and as your son's mother, you will have a bigger role than she does anyway. Don't let her behavior bother you so much. Hold your head up with confidence and behave as you deem appropriate. Then, if she has a problem, at least it's her problem, and not yours.