Hi Mamas, just wanted to share a small victory! I was surprisingly anxious going into this week, not knowing how my estranged husband and I would handle Thanksgiving (for those who don't know, he and his daughter moved into an apartment, myself and my three sons - two which are his children - still live in our family home). The boys and I had dinner with my parents and siblings, and he and his daughter stopped by for appetizers and to say hi. It was surprisingly relaxed. They went to dinner with his extended family, and the boys and I all went there later and were very warmly welcomed. He and his daughter left before we did, and the boys and I stayed pretty late and caught up with my husband's family. They were all so great, and said how happy they were that we came and how much they hope we all still feel like part of the family, etc. Right now the plan is to do Hanukkah and Christmas Eve all together as well, and he's happy to be able to skip Christmas Day, which he was never a fan of anyway.
So for the obligatory question, do you have any situations where ex-spouses are still part of your family? In my family, there has only been one divorce where the couple had children. My dad's uncle and his wife divorced 30+ years ago and she got remarried but she and her second husband have always been a part of the family and have come to every family gathering. I think I was in my 20's before realizing that she wasn't actually a relative anymore. Looking back, I'm sure it must have been awkward and difficult but they all get along really well and I've always included her and her husband in my list of great aunts and uncles.
We have no exes. I just wanted to congratulate you on handling a difficult time so gracefully.
Peace
YAHOO!! I'm so very happy for you JB!!! That can be a very trying situation!! Glad everything went well!!
My sister and her ex have been divorced for over 10 years. Her ex still comes to family events. They now have grandchildren.
I'm so glad it worked out for you. I'm sure it was stressful thinking about how you might be received at the in laws home.
My parents divorced when I was a teen. To this day, my mother will not be in the same room with my dad. It has happened by chance and she gets so fidgety and uncomfortable. As for my dad, he is fine and goes with the flow because what's in the past in in the past.
The behavior of my mom, to this day, makes it difficult to visit dads family. It's like 2 separate families. She is very upset that I had my dad here in May for his birthday and then again recently for 10 days. Very immature on my moms part.
Thank you for being the adult! Your children will be much better through this because of the maturity you and ex are modeling.
My ex and I are great friends. I can call him and ask for honest answers and he gives them. We have a daughter together and we'll always be connected through her and our grand kids.
He's a good man and married to a wonderful woman whom I trusted my daughter with. She is nurturing where I'm a teacher, she's compassionate and nurturing where I'm more "I told you to put on a coat or you'd be cold, was I right?". She helped my ex grow into a compassionate good person.
I think that once anyone gets past the hurt and pain of divorce and people grow up that any adults can get along.
So glad it's all working out for all of you!
I'm glad the holiday was a success. You know this happened because all of you are mature caring people. Kudos to you and your ex! A new beginning in a new life.
We have a cousin who divorced. She is still a member of our family. Like you, I often forget she's not a cousin by birth. She comes to our family gatherings. She and her ex, my cousin by birth, live in the same town and keep up with each other's lives.
Updated
I'm glad the holiday was a success. You know this happened because all of you are mature caring people. Kudos to you and your ex! A new beginning in a new life.
We have a cousin who divorced. She is still a member of our family. Like you, I often forget she's not a cousin by birth. She comes to our family gatherings. She and her ex, my cousin by birth, live in the same town and keep up with each other's lives.
oh, JB, i'm thrilled for you! good for you! and even a pat on the back to your ex (i'm not a fan) for being decent.
i love to hear stories like this. it's so rare, and so good.
unfortunately none of the exes have made it past the divorce in my family. i really missed my one SIL this year. she doesn't drive, and suffers from crippling migraines, anxiety and depression so she's going to be hard to hold onto but i'm going to try. i have two other ex-SILs whom i rarely see, and get along fine with, but this is the girl who's leaving a really big hole.
the biggest winners in this are your kids. how wonderful for them to get to see all their extended family with no awkwardness. big kudos to them too.
:) khairete
S.
So glad to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving. As long as you and your ex are mature about it then there would be no reason for things to be awkward. To some degree you are all still family and will be forever connected so its better to show all the kids that you can still get along (or that you get along better being apart).
I think each family is different in how they treat exes, but the situations are always different as well. My hubby's ex-wife will be joining us again this Christmas (they have alternating holiday's), since we moved to FL we don't get to see his daughter as much so we invite her mom to come with her (my SS also lives in FL so he gets to see her too). I know this seems strange and most people wouldn't do it, but I do it for my step kids.
I should add that my father and his family were never nice or welcoming to my mom after the divorce. But I remember my moms family always being nice to my dad.
So glad it worked out for you, JB. Those situations can be very hard to navigate but it sounds like it went well. Good for you!
My parents got divorced when I was a teen. It was an awful, nasty, colorful divorce in and out of court, across states, my brothers going one way while I went another..my parents were both incredibly immature about it. Now that my brothers and I are in our late 20s/30, we have our own famikies but our parents can't be in the same room. My dad remarried the woman he cheated on my mom with, mom is single. We also have adoptions on both sides, so biological family vs adopted family is hard too. They're very different. And that's just my side of the family.
Basically my family tree is chopped up into a wood pile. Holidays are weird and competitive. Since my husband and I have had kids, we decided we'd NEVER be like that, and we tend to spend our holidays with just us, and a few visits here and there.
I am so happy for you. So nice that you navigated the first Thanksgiving without drama. I hope it sets the tone for all holidays moving forward. Makes it so much nicer when you don't have to dread times that should be special for making family memories.
Two sets of my aunts and uncles got divorced when I was a kid. Both uncles removed themselves from everything having to do with our side of the family. It was sad as I likes my Uncle Renee and adored my Uncle Adam. Back 40+ yrs ago it was different.
So glad this went so well! I know it's been such a tough year for you, and I'm so happy that everyone acted like grown-ups! My husband's ex is just horrible with all of this stuff - it was always about the competition and being "right" and it was so difficult when one of the daughters got married. Of course we were the only ones to step up and be classy.
A funny story - we were at a bar mitzvah years ago - son of my husband's childhood friend. When we were there, my husband reconnected with a friend from high school - Dave, and we met his second wife Sue. When we inquired as to how they met, it turned out that Dave's ex-wife remarried, and this guy happened to be the ex-husband of Sue. Dave and Sue met through a bunch of the "kid exchanges" that follow all divorces. Everyone was very civil, but this turned into something more, and they fell in love and married. So everyone in that family continues to be very warm. You'd think it would be confusing for the kids - but they all make it work.
Hope the rest of your holidays go smoothly!
Sounds like it works out so well! You must be relieved. Your families sound very supportive too. This must give you great comfort going forward. Sounds like it flowed naturally.
My husband's extended family who we see a lot of at family functions over the holidays and at family reunions have divorced couples. the most awkward is my husband's cousin. He and his wife fought constantly when they were married and that was awkward enough. When they divorced, he didn't give them child support. He took off also so never saw the kids. Due to some arrangement the mom ensured her kids would not have contact with him, which is understandable.
The problem is she comes to the family functions and he always calls or Skypes in. She's not an easy person - very high maintenance. So picture we're all in a tiny living room stuffed with people and we're supposed to be passing around the phone or laptop wishing him happy holidays, and we have to pass over her and the kids. I have no idea why they take the call (my husband's family is just odd that way, drama's their thing). I feel so badly for those kids. Some of us try to distract them, but it's as if the mother enjoys it. It's like it's serving her point - that he's been a jerk and so everyone has to be punished. Ugh.
Glad to see you had no drama. That's awesome. And the kids enjoyed spending time with both. Very positive! thanks for sharing :)
Glad for you, JB. :) It's nice to get that affirmation from your ex's family that you and the kids are still welcome and 'part of the family'... it's just another confirmation that when we 'choose' to be in relationship with each other for the sake of the kids and peace, it's a whole other kind of blessing. I hope that this alleviates any anxiety you might have had going into the winter holiday season. Good to hear!
I live in AZ and in order to divorce it's required for both parents to take parenting classes. In the classes, they made a big point of NOT sharing any future holidays together. The point being that it's confusing for the kids because they will continue to think there is a chance you will get back together.
So we have never shared a holiday or bday since we split. My ex and his wife do come to all the kids school events and usually sit with me, my husband and my mom. But all holidays and bdays are celebrated with our own families on separate days/weekends. We have not had a problem.
I'm glad it was ok for you this time but I think if the kids start getting used to it and then comes the day that either of you have a new significant other, then it gets cloudy again. So my 2 cents is keep it separate from the beginning. You all still can be friendly but it's clear to the kids that you are not a "family" unit any more, because, well, you aren't. Good luck.
My ex and I do weekly family dinners, regularly get together for holidays/parties, and he is definitely still a part of the family, and I am still part of his (mothers) family. Here in Ohio, they also insist parents take parenting classes in order to divorce, and our class said this was a good thing for the kids, which we found encouraging. I also have an uncle who has been divorced from my (biological) aunt longer than I've been alive that is still very much a part of our family. Yes, it may have been/be awkward at times, but you divorce spouses, not families.
Yippeeeee!!! Just want to add my voice to the chorus of cheers that T-day went well, particularly that you got the assurance that your to-be-out-laws still value you and your children's presence. [I once heard someone refer to their ex-in-laws as out-laws, purely affectionately, and it struck me as a good term.] It's also great that your to-be-ex behaved and that you and your kids got to see his daughter. The plan for X-mas/Chanukah sounds like a very sensible one. Here's to good transitions!
Just want to say that I am glad YOU had a good day. I honestly don't care what kind of day your husband had, but then again, you know I don't like him. (Don't mince words, Doris - tell us how you REALLY feel, LOL!)
If his daughter is happy with him, well, that's nice.
I do hope that he gets his head right about having a relationship with the children that he has been a "parent to" for all these years, even though they are not his original offspring. When he realizes that they are just as important as him, then the whole family can enjoy the holidays they way they deserve to.
