My Parents Always Want My Ex Around

"It's not fair to always put me in the position of being the bad guy and saying that I don't want him to come."

I think you need to say it. It sounds like you've never looked them in the eye and said, "I don't want him to come." Until you do that, they have no way of knowing that that's how you feel.

Just be honest with them. It's quite possible that because he's always been included, they've just assumed that you were ok with it.

Whether they intend it or not (to use your own words), it IS disrespectful of you and your choices.

They are not treating you like an adult who has made her own decisions. Ask yourself: Is this part of a lifelong pattern of their treating you like a child long after you weren't? Have they always been critical of your choices -- maybe masking their criticisms by making themselves look like the "good guys" who want everyone to get along and you look like the bad guy who is being difficult, selfish, etc.? I can almost imagine their using those words, especially with kids involved: Oh, it's kind of selfish to want to keep the kids from doing things with their dad and all of us as a family....

If they pull this stuff on you, and have done similar things all your life to make you seem the one who's being difficult--you can't really change them, sadly. You can change how you react to them. Someone below used the word "boundaries" and that's what you need to be all about.

Most of the language is already in your own post! "I know you like Ex, but while I understand you want to see him for his own sake, my life now has changed and I have moved on from spending time with him as if we are together. I feel that the invitations to include him in almost all family events really send a message that you disapprove of our divorce, and while I'm sorry you feel that way, I am not sorry about the divorce and I have moved on. I don't like being in the position of repeatedly having to say no, I don't want him along. I feel it's negatively affecting my relationship with YOU. You are my parents and I love to see you and celebrate our family events with you. But I need to be respected as an adult who has made choices that maybe you don't like but can respect. That includes respecting the fact that Ex is not part of every, or even most, of our own family's get-togethers."

Then offer them something such as saying you are OK with having him join you, them and the kids at, say, Christmas. Don't let mom and dad turn it into having him around all of Christmas Eve and then back for Christmas morning breakfast and present openings and lunch etc....Keep it limited, like just Christmas Eve. You and he should be working this out, NOT your parents and him or your parents and you!

And don't feel obliged, or let them talk you into, invitiing him for every major holiday -- there should be some holidays where the kids are with you and some where the kids are with him and a few where you are maybe together for a time, but if he starts doing every Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter with the family on some "major holiday plan" with your folks -- HE will never build up his own friendships and relationships as a divorced adult, which he needs to do, and you will have your relationship with your parents soured by this.

I'd take the kids on some trips over some holidays and "just because" times too. Just you and them, time alone together, without either your parents or dad. He should do the same. Your parents should not be part of those trips at all.

Please just talk to them about it.
We women so often make the assumption that everyone around us "should know" exactly how what they are doing/saying is making us feel but really they probably don't!
So tell your parents, I'm so glad you still love and have a great relationship with the ex, but I don't, and all these get togethers make me feel really uncomfortable.
Just be honest.
Hopefully they listen and respect your feelings.
And if they don't, that IS sad, but at least you put it out there, and you can decide going forward how much or how little you want to participate.

No I would tell my parents that Bob will not be joining us as we are divorced. If your father makes any kind of comment, again, I would say "if you would like to visit with Bob, great, here is his number you make your arrangements but not at my house".

If this continues, I would tell my parents that until they can honor my request and accept that the marriage is over and we are divorced then their visits will not be welcomed. It is time to bring out the big guns on this one.

I get it that you have difficult parents. So do I. Three sets of them. My mom and her husband, my dad and his wife. And my exe's parents.

You can't let difficult people rule your life. They're only doing this because they get away with it.

"Mom and dad. I'm not married anymore, and I'm done having my ex with us all the time. If you don't want to spend dinner with just the kids and I, then we need to do it way less often because no one spends this much time with their ex and I'm sick of it. Next time you can all go out without me."

And don't back down! My parents no longer hang around my ex and I no longer hang around his parents. It's HEAVENLY. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!!!

Tell your ex too. Sounds like he has no idea you have a problem with this.

What the heck. This is the crappiest thing I've ever heard. I have been there. My mom tends to speak nicely of my ex when he comes up. On the few occasions she sees him (if he picks up the kids from her house), she will chat with him, give him things, etc. I mean, I don't expect her to throw acid on him or anything, but she makes it clear that she holds no beef against him, even tho she knows the reasons of the divorce.

I'm mostly concerned about the confusion of him, you and the kids being together for the holidays and parties. When I got divorced, the counselor said you have to make it VERY clear to the kids you are no longer together. That means separate parties and holidays for everyone. You don't hug each other, you don't stand around and chat about life during pick up/drop off, etc.

If I were you, I would be beyond livid with your parents behavior. I think it's time for a sit down. Tell them you understand they have a good relationship with the ex, but during YOUR family gatherings, it makes you uncomfortable and stressed out to have him there. I would tell them from now on if they want to see him, THEY can take the grandkids over to his house for a visit OR if the kids are already at his house for the weekend, HE can invite them over. It is imperative you start to separate yourselves from each other. Mostly for your sanity but also for the sake of the kids.

I'm divorced and remarried and we do everything separate and my ex and I basically get along. The kids get 2 bdays and 2 holidays. They are not sad about this. lol It's easy enough to do, especially if each of you get every other weekend. You simply celebrate on the weekend you have them. Hope this helps and I hope you end this b.s with your parents. I would be beyond livid and would NOT feel obligated to continue this at all. Good luck!

But you express yourself so well in this post. Why not say these things to your parents as well?

:)

I think you need to be blunt and direct with them. They seem to be in denial or not considering how this would make you feel. A rare occasion thing might be fine, but I don't really understand why they think this is ok. I think you are totally in the right here, you just need to clearly communicate this with your parents.

I think you should be proud of your parents approach, but if it bothers you that much ask if you can have alone time with them occasionally. My dad remained a part of my moms family and was still invited to all functions. He sometimes took us to functions my mom couldn't make. I'm sure it was VERY awkward since my step dad also attended (the man my mom strayed with! Didn't know that then). Now I'm VERY proud of both my patents and my moms family for their family approach. My dads parents would ask after my mom with a disinterested tone.
Seriously-I had no problems with my family's divorce and had counselors ask me to lead groups (divorce wasn't nearly as common back the). I truly believe it was because my parents put their feelings aside and did what was best for us.
Just grin and bear it. You'll be glad you did later.

Do your parents hear you?
Do they listen to you? Or have they always ignored your needs and wants?

If this is the way it has always been with your parents you have some soul searching to do.

If this is just something that is a out of character? Could you meet them half way and say that the ex can come for one event , but not entire holidays, and not long family celebration meal/dinners unless they are for the children's milestones?

Maybe something like a meal the day after Christmas. But not Christmas Eve and Christmas day if it your year to have the kids. Then the next Christmas he gets the kids for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day when he takes the kids to visit their grandparents.

It is nice that they are still on good terms with him, but if they are taking up their visiting time with him, maybe you need to remind them this hurts your feelings and then you all need to go to family counseling and hash this out.

Do they know the true reason you got the divorce?
Most people can state the exact reason and everyone understands it was for the good of all. Be honest with them that you are not going to go back to them and that your children understand this. They love their father and that is great, but your parents are your parents and need to understand your needs also.

Your father is a bully. I read in this that he is an extreme male
chauvinist. His behavior toward you is unconscionable ("make reservations for 6").

Your kids are seeing you getting bullied. It affects them. Take control of your life. Be firm and kind. But be very direct!

You need to grow some courage and backbone.

Time to set some boundaries with your parents. They won't like it at first but they will get used to it. Two books I recommend: Boundaries and When I say no I feel guilty. You can find them on Amazon. Holidays are one thing but everytime your parents come in... That's not ok!

It's great that your ex can be around during some of these times for the children. However, there is no reason he has to be there for every single thing your family does. They seem to be overstepping bounds in that regard and almost sounds like some kind of judgey power trip on their part. I do things with my family members without my husband being there sometimes, and he does things with his family without me sometimes. There is just no reason he has to be there for everything. Even if he was your current spouse it just doesn't have to be done.

I think it's time to lay down the law. If they want to see ex hubby then they're welcome to go to his house and visit the kids and him all they want.

I'd think that your time with them should be your time. I get along with my ex and his wife is adorable. I love them both. I wish everyone could get along like we all do. It's weird!

Let your ex know you want him to say no. He has other plans. This is part his fault too. Tell him that you want time alone with your parents and that he's just not welcome as far as you're concerned.

He should have been saying no thank you all along.

I haven't read the other posts yet. I just keep thinking that the biggest problem is that you let your parents tell you what to do. Why is it that you don't just say no? You've let them do this over and over for 3 years now?

It's time to put the brakes on them manipulating you. You don't owe them this.

I do think that there are some real problems that you should address, though. Why do your children behave so badly around their father? I'm amazed that your parents want to be around that. Guess it goes to show just how much they are determined to punish you for the breakup of your marriage that they push for this, knowing that the kids behave worse around their father.

Truthfully, it's time for you to stand up to this. Talk to your ex first and tell him that you are changing how this visit will be. Tell him that you are tired of their manipulating you and you don't want him coming along to meals and such. Promise him that you won't throw him under the bus - that you will take the blame. And then do it. Don't have long discussions. Tell them point blank that you are tired of their demands on you and you won't do it anymore.

For the most part I agree with everyone but wanted to throw something out there. There has been only one divorce in my family where the family had children.. It was my dad's uncle and his wife, and they had 4 kids still living at home when they split 30 years ago. Both aunt, her new husband (I later found that she had had an affair with him and he was her deceased best friend's widower so yeah...awkward) and uncle were all invited to - and attended - every family function for decades. I never remember a time when both weren't welcome. It was like those cousins had 3 parents instead of 2 and even though the aunt technically wasn't our relative, she was still treated like all of my dad's other aunts and invited to baby showers, bridal showers. etc. The new husband passed away a few years ago and the aunt and uncle are now in their 80's. I'm sure there was awkwardness and hard feelings in the beginning but to the rest of the family, they were all still family.

So I still think that your boundaries are valid and that you need to stand up for yourself, but part of the issue may be a generational one, where like in my family, once you're in, you never get out ;-)

Who is paying for the lunch? If it's your parents and your mom wants him there (it's her birthday and their money) then the invitation should be extended for this event.

You should separately have a conversation with your parents explaining that while you are perfectly fine having your ex there for the kids' functions and big holiday events, you do not expect to have to have him at everything and would like some time without him to spend with YOUR parents/family.

If they continue to insist that he be present, make your attendance at the events short (make an appearance and depart early).

They have the right to still interact with him, as your children's father he will always be a part of the family. You have a right to not have to have him ALWAYS there, he's your ex. Since you are their daughter, you would think that they would let that and your feelings carry a bit more weight. However, in their minds, they may be trying to do this for the kids. Also, since they like him and he doesn't have local family, they may feel the need to include him (just from an empathy standpoint).

What you don't say is if either you or your ex have moved on and have significant others. My guess is that if/when he does, he may be more inclined to decline these invitations (betting his new woman would not like having to hang with his ex and ex-inlaws)...even if your parents would still invite him once you have a new man.

I think you are completely right and justified in how you feel. I think you should tell your parents just like you explained it to us. It does sound like your father, at least, really isn't considering your feelings at all.

I would definitely tell them that you will not be inviting him and if they want, they can schedule dinner with him and the kids. They are trying to pretend the divorce didn't happen and that's not healthy for anyone.

wow! that would bum me out too!
i mean, it's nice that they have a great relationship with him and want to maintain it, but it sucks that they have so little regard for YOU and your comfort level.
i'd be right there with you. 'if you really want to spend time with him so very much, i'll drop the kids off at the restaurant and y'all have a ball. i'll be at the book store, and then get a pedicure.'
i suspect my family would be the same way, though. sometimes i think the only thing i ever did right in my dad's eyes is marry my dh!
khairete
S.

So sorry about this. You just have to put your foot down and tell your parents that you know that your divorce is a loss for them since they liked you ex, but the fact is, this is your family now. They are disrespecting you, they are not considering that it makes these family get-togethers miserable and stressful for you, and they are totally ignoring the fact that it confuses the hell out of the kids (witness their behavior). The kids get used to separate parents and households, and then Grandma/Grandpa come in and pretend that this is not their reality! And maybe your ex doesn't want to spend a whole ton of time in this scenario either but doesn't want to insult them. It's up to him to make a new life with family or friends, and not up to them to fill the bill. It's one thing when grandparents want to be civil to the ex, but this is every few weeks and it's ridiculous. What if you date someone seriously or get remarried? How in the world will they handle that? Just cut off your ex entirely after they've established a pattern?

Tell them they are free to have lunch with "Jim" on their own, send him birthday cards, whatever they want, but you aren't attending. If the kids have a game, a school play, a first Communion or church pageant, a scouting event, or something else, then it's nice if everyone can come and be civil. If they can sit together, even better. If you are having a birthday part for one of the kids and you really want to include Jim, that's up to you. But none of this "big happy family" charade for your parents' birthdays, your birthday, Halloween, Memorial Day, or no occasion at all. The children are entitled to see their father in HIS life and social circle,

Tell them that you give "Jim" plenty of time with the kids during the week, and if there is a weekend when the grandparents are visiting that takes too much time away from Jim, you'll happily give him extra time during the week. (Don't get into the fact that he needs a break from the kids unless you think it will help.)

Tell them they can spend time with you and the kids, or they can spend time with Jim, but they cannot spend time with the kids and Jim together unless it's one of the occasions I mentioned above (school play or other public event). If they want to send him a birthday or Christmas card, that's up to them, but you don't want to know about it. He is your children's father, but not your husband and not their son-in-law.

I wouldn't tell them he doesn't care to join you unless that's true, but finding it out would involve your ex too much in your thoughts and plans. If you have that sort of relationship with him where you can tell him you want to break your parents of the happy family gatherings to take the pressure off everyone (him, you, the kids), then fine. Otherwise, go ahead and be confident in your decision and tell them that's how it is. They go with you and the kids and act plenty happy (with ZERO references to how they wish Jim were there!), or they have lunch with Jim alone if they are so close to him. Remind them it's been 3 years and it's time for them to get with the program.

Be strong. I know it's hard, but try to get this dealt with before Thanksgiving or any other major holiday.

I don't think you are in the wrong, although, I don't support throwing him under the bus if it is not necessarily true.

Maybe a little background will help you with the understanding, while not telling you that you should suck this up in the least.

I never had a brother growing up. My sister met her x when I was in 6th grade. We bonded instantly. He was almost immediately my brother. I went everywhere with them, I was the 3rd wheel.

Their marriage lasted 22 years. He was no longer my brother in-law to me, but my brother. His family was my family. I went to many of their family functions. It finally came out. They were divorcing and she couldn't take his sh!t any longer. He had cheated several times and she was sick of it. He had a child on the way and they were still married and in the same house. I was hurt and disgusted by him. He is remarried and I have seen him several times since their divorce and I am still angry. I miss him terribly. I never bonded with her second husband, although I knew him longer than I knew the first husband. When my niece passed (not their child), he came to the funeral and gave me a hug. I had held it together through her illness and funeral. I drove my sister (her mother) around and forced her to deal with this and take care of things. I lost it in his arms. There was just no other feeling than to have his support. Further, I love his little girl and she plays with my daughter when they are together, but boy if I could get away with slapping his face.

So anyway, I suggest you just cut them off when they toss his invitation around. I would just smile and say he won't be able to make it...after all, he can't if you don't invite him. Walk away, go stir the pot on the stove, water the plants, set the table, do whatever, but don't discuss it any further.

I don't ask my sister to invite my brother in law. I get it, she doesn't want him around. Your parents are not willing to accept it, so don't make a discussion out of it.

Best wishes.

How old are your parents? Could be a generational thing, and they feel they are trying to be all inclusive and not leave the father out of their grand kids life and they are trying to role model polite, civil, family behavior.

Are they super conservative or religious? Could be they are so against divorce, aka Catholics, and they don't recognize your dissolved marriage.

Are they hoping for a reunion? What were the circumstances of your divorce? Is a resolution even possible? Meaning they are sabotaging any hope of you bringing a serious relationship into the mix with your ex's constant company, as I don't think it would be comfortable to invite a 7th body now.

You might be 100% done and finished, but your parents feelings are clearly not. They are holding out that you either soften your heart and reconsider, or they are just this ridiculously controlling and want only what they see fit, and have no consideration for your time, life choices, feelings, etc.

Have they always been this inconsiderate of those around them? Especially after having the heart to heart you have had with your mom? I imagine so.

One more perspective, there have been a lot of divorces in my family, too many to count, and the Ex's are often invited, if not always invited, especially if they have no family around. He is the father of the children, and it's a bold and brave and courageous and better for all if the parents can learn to be civil and supportive around one another. I have friends who divorced each other than married the other spouse, so same 2 couples, different arrangement, and they are all the best of friends, they go on vacations together, holiday's are together....and it works for them. The kids are better off when the ex's get along well.

I totally agree with you, but I watch people do this stuff all the time and am flabbergasted.My favorite are the people who talk about how they are absolutely best friends with their exes but just can't stand them,can't live with them and wish they could bit off all of their toenails.But eh, they are best friends. Since your parents don't sound like they are around constantly unless you have a serious suitor, boyfriend, love, amour, whatever why not? If it makes you uncomfortable bring along the serious suitor, boyfriend,love or whomever. It's your life and if they are open to you all being together maybe that would convince one and all that you
ve moved on. My nephew's wife includes her ex in everything. She even makes him birthday breakfast while the girls pose for pictures and her children from my nephew get in the picture. Oh my I must be so hopelessly old fashioned...I just wonder if it really bothers my nephew and he doesn't complain.Good luck!

I would have a very blunt conversation with them about how it makes you feel for him to be around, similar to what you gave us. It may only be a few meals, but he is your ex for a reason, they need to respect that. However, it sounds like you both have a civil relationship if you can be around each other for kids events, so they may not understand how much it bothers you.

Honesty and communication will work wonders for you.

You are divorced.
Your parents need to accept that your ex is not a part of your life anymore although you and he share parenting the kids.
If your parents want to invite him to their lunch I guess they can but you can skip it.
They can only force you together if you (and he) allow it.
Things should start getting interesting when he or you want to start bringing dates along to these things.
In fact - enlarge the reservations by 2 and each of you bring a friend/date/what ever - and see if your parents have a cow about it.

Oh my. This is hard for you! Have you told your parents how you feel? Past that, I have no advice, just sympathy.

I'm reading that they'd like to see him at lunch, not " every minute" of their visit.
Compromise.
Suck it up for lunch, thank him for coming, and, in front of your parents, thank him for surrendering some of his "weekend time" and restate that you will see him at whatever o'clock on whatever day when he gets the kids next.

I agree with what most people are saying about setting boundaries with your parents. Don't throw him under the bus. This is about your relationship with your parents.

Wow this is tough on one hand you need to have a mature and friendly relationship with your ex since you have kids. On the other hand your parents are not respecting your feelings or boundaries.

To me it does feel like you increasing the level of drama in your head. You said "every minute of my parents visit" but then said "just a few meals a month" so find some middle ground and then draw clear boundaries "ie these holdiays and certain birthdays" everything else he is not included.

Hi, T.T.

Some of your statements:
They always want him. Don't want him around all the time. Not invited to his gatherings. Told them he would not be joining us for Mom's BD lunch. My feelings don't matter. Stressful for you to have him around. Kids are terrible around father. Welcome to hang out with him and kids without you. Put's you in a position of bad guy.

Assessment:
You haven't resolved your issues from growing up.
You haven't resolved your issues of divorcing your husband.

You are displacing these unresolved feelings on your parents and your children's father.

After all, you married the guy, you had 2 children by him.

Look inside yourself and see what it is that you missed growing up and took that into the marriage bed.

Good luck
D.

I am looking at this from the new person in you life's point of view. I would really be pissed off at your parents.

The new relationship of your parents and your new partner will be forever at risk unless you get your parents to let the damn ex go!

If they want to spend time with your ex while they are in town then they should plan something with him and your kids. Otherwise, they need to spend time with you and the kids and respect your wishes. Stay firm.