Young Children and Divorce

They'll be fine!
A lot of kids come from divorced homes or their parents never married in the first place.
Households with 2 parents at home happily raising the kids might be the 'perceived normal' but it's less common than you'd like to think.
Even then, if you have 2 married people who're together but always fighting/bickering/tearing down each other - I feel sorry for the kids who have to live with that.
You've got to rethink what 'normal' means.

Yes. Divorce will affect them. It doesn't matter if they're 2 or 22--divorce affects kids.

My sis is separated and they do the 50/50 thing. They are forever forgetting backpacks, lunch boxes, etc. at the other house. Her daughter needed a red shirt one day and it was at dad's. I know one thing that really bothers my sis is the kids will say "mom's house" and "dad's house". They don't feel like THEY have a house. (Her daughter will be talking to a friend and say, "You can come over tomorrow, I'll be at my mom's house").

Divorce is quite common, so they will not be the odd kid out at school.

I am a child of divorce. It was hard, damaging, and the effects were long-lasting. Your kids will be okay. Eventually. But please be realistic about the every day reality of them shuffling back and forth between houses (how would YOU like that?), the stress of watching parents date and put others ahead of them at times, and the eventual possibility of dealing with a step parent around the time that these little ones will be bigger and have stronger opinions about who mom/dad is with. This will not be over in a year. Or 5. It will be an ongoing process for them until adulthood.

You and your ex will undoubtedly thrive in your new environments because you felt things were horrible enough together that anything would be better than continuing a marriage. You may, at times, forget that even when your kids are tweens, or teens, the reality that their parents aren't together can hit hard at odd times. Just be aware of that, and keep the communication open about it. Offer counseling to them all through their growing-up years. Be KIND to your ex, and his new mate. Don't make your kids have to choose whether to bond with a new mate or not (out of fear of loyalty issues.) Try to celebrate the kids birthdays at one party, with all family invited. Same with Christmas morning. Your kids can still grow up with lovely memories of those things if you and the ex play it right. You will be a family unit forever, regardless of whether a piece of paper states you ended your legal union. Let your kids have those memories. It will take a VERY mature attitude on both you and your ex's part.
Good luck to you!

They will be fine! I promise. (I say this as an only child raised by a single mother... although that was the norm where I lived... and a divorced-repartnered mother of a totally happy well adjusted 8 year old boy).

All parental concerns are justified, but that doesn't mean you need to worry yourself silly. There is no such thing as a "regular household." YOUR household is perfectly normal. As is your ex-husband's household. As is your neighbor's. Each is different, and they wouldn't be any more similar if all had two parents.

That being said, by the time your children are in elementary school, more of their classmates will live with single parents, or blended families. By that time you or your husband may also be remarried and your children may live in at least one two parent household as well.

Your kids are human, so they'll find lots of reasons to feel "less than" over the next several decades, but having divorced parents isn't likely to be top of that list :)

Hope this helps.
T.

My mom and dad divorced with 4 kids... We were ages 5,4,2, and 6mos.

I have very vague memories of the time they were married. Honestly, it was my mom's behavior AFTER the divorce that had the biggest effect on us.

Just make sure that they know they are still loved, that the divorce isn't their fault, and above all else, go to great lengths to maintain a cordial relationship with their dad (and any woman he may eventually remarry...) counseling would probably be helpful for your older kid, to help understand the transition. It will also be hard, but eventually they will understand, the lifestyle changes.

Honestly though... Divorce is so common any more that for every friend they have with a "regular" household, they will likely have one who also has divorced parents. They won't be alone.

I think what you need to worry most is your coparenting and what is best for THEM re: Schedule. Going back and forth daily is not going to be beneficial to them in the long run, IMO, and you and your ex need to look at the school schedule and come up with a plan that puts the kid first. My SS was 8, I think, when his parents split and SD was 3. I would say that she is the more resilient, one, and whether that was just personality or age, I do not know. Their parents did EOWE with the NCP getting them in the summer and the school year parent getting them EOWE during that time. Plus other breaks, and their mother was always welcome at school events.

As a child of divorce, I will say that you should be wary not to coddle them. Their parents are divorced. It's not the end of the world. At least they have both of you and you get along well enough to coparent. Be normal. My cousin was treated like damaged goods, and guess what? She still plays the victim. My mother said, "Yup, it's hard and it stinks, but it doesn't mean YOU are less worthy or that I expect any less of you than I did last year." My sister in particular has achieved so much, I think in part because Mom never let us play victim. There are times in EVERYBODY's life where you have a bad day, you feel unloved, you have a fight with a friend. Try to keep everything in context. You can't always fix it. And its not always about the divorce. But you can teach them how to move past it.

The younger the better was my observation-it was the hardest on the older children. Good luck-when they see you being friends and loving them-it will be ok-and they will be right at home everywhere-you'll see.

It's extremely confusing and hard for kids to not have a home. This kids need a home. One home. You and dad have to decide who's going to have them full time and who's doing visitation.

It's one of the worst things for a child, in my opinion, and with the kids I know that do what you're doing. You and dad may think this splitting things every day like this is the most fair and good thing you can do for your kids but it's exactly the opposite. Kids that do 50/50 custody hate is and end up with no connection to a home or to things or to either parent.

Hi, M. W.

What caused you to separate from your husband so quickly?
Yes, your separation from your husband will affect your children.
Just want to know what happened between you and your husband that can't be repaired?
D.

They will be fine as long as you and your ex make it known to them that you both love them and behave civilly around each other.
I never married my daughter's dad, but he came over and spent time with her, and she knew he loved her. And as she got older, she understood why I decided not to marry him.

I divorced when my daughter was 4 and she is 11 now and has been doing great the whole time! We have 50/50 time with her and she switched houses every 2 or 3 days until this year when we all decided she needs to be with dad during the school week because of the earlier middle-school start time and his closer house location. Kids adjust to many different situations as long as the parents do, too. That is really the most important thing, to agree to be civil at least, and friendly (eventually) at best. Our daughter never misses a family gathering or an opportunity to be with friends, just because of our "schedule". We each make sure she is available for these things.

When they get to school, almost half of their classmates will have parents who are divorced. They will share stories and support between them.

Again, getting along with their father is the most important. I've learned to hold my tongue, and compromise. I've kept my minimal dating life apart from my daughter and will likely continue to do that until she is grown, just to keep the peace for her benefit.

Honey... there is no such thing as a "regular" household anymore. Your children are going to come in contact with kids who have just a mom, kids who have divorced parents and two happy houses, kids who have live with their two parents who are miserable, kids with two dads, etc, etc, etc. Don't stress yourself out about your children feeling different. Kids simply don't care about that and as long as you and your ex treat each other with respect and always act in the best interest of your children, your kids aren't going to feel that something is lacking in their lives.

Besides - are you going to get back together with their dad if we tell you that yes, your children are going to feel abnormal? What I mean is... worry about the stuff you can control.

Also, the back and forth every day may work now with your kids as young as they are, but as they get older (ie - kindergarten aged) you may need to think about having them in one location for longer than a day. I know it seems great to see them every day and shower them with love, but flip flopping between houses is tough on kids and they probably need more consistancy. Something like Saturday night - Wednesday afternoon at Mom's. Wednesday night to Saturday afternoon at Dad's. They can remember and plan for that. This is what the child psychologist who specialized in divorces told me when my ex and I split up (when my girls were five).

I didn't respond right way because I was trying to phrase this a nicely as possible.

even though it is the norm and even though the kids will act fine, divorce hurts, and having 2 households is hard on a child. and parents dating and possibly remarrying add soooo much drama and extra emotions and conflicts, that I personally feel that divorce is not good for kids.

if you don't have any other options then just be as smart about it as you can., or if your only concern is if your kids will feel different than other kids dont' worry because it's more abnormal to have 2 parents that are committed to their relationship.

loving someone is wonderful but the act of being there for them and making them a priority is what counts at the end of the day.

I'm newly divorced, mine are ages 2 and 5. The two year old never lives with her dad because I left three days after she was born. My son is the one who originally had both parents under one roof. He seems fine to me. When we first separated, I could tell he was confused and wanted his dad. Now, I think he doesn't mind the different households, when and if he goes to his dads, he's excited because I'm the strict parent. His dad and i have a lot to work on though, I can honestly say, we are not the most cordial to one another. I agree with everyone else that says you and the other parent need to be, it would make co-parenting easier and less stressful. But that's between me and him, otherwise both mine seem fine.

Kids are resilient.
My parents agreed (when they decided to divorce) that yhey woul never talk poorly of each other in front of us-and they stood by their words. Divorce was not "normal" then, so I was automatically enrolled in counseling through the schools. It wasn't long before I was being asked to lead peer support groups. Honestly, what made the difference was my parents approach. My dad would take us to my moms family events sometimes (he lived closer to her family than she).
Honestly, it's simple. If you don't have anything nice to say (about the ex) don't say anything!

Well, given the divorce rate, your kids are in good company. But let me ask you this - is there a choice? Is it like someone here saying "yes, it'll damage them" you'll go back and reconcile?

You can never know for sure how any one event may affect a child, but you are doing all you can to make sure they feel loved. My niece does 50/50 custody between her parents and she is very well adjusted, no issues.

Check out the book:
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way Paperback
by M. Gary Neuman

Amazon reviews:
http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastl...

There are chapters for each age the child goes through divorce, how they process it and how to help them.

There should be other books on that page (recommended, similar topic) that will help you.

One of my local Christian churches has a divorce support group for kids and adults. You might want to check out to see if churches in your area offer the same.

I think that if you 2 focus on being kind and civil to each other, they will be OK. Try to stay in the same zip code as your ex. IMO one of the worst things that happens to a child in divorce is that they have to fly alone to see the other parent and his/her new family.

If I were divorced, I would not leave my zip code if it meant driving so far that their father couldn't see them quickly and easily. If I had a new "Mr. Wonderful" 1-4 hours away (better town, better schools, better whatever) I would not move away. As much as I would "want" to, I would care as much as how it would affect my kids AND their father. They matter too. It's not all about "my needs" all the time. The father's relationship with his children is PRIMARY. Mother and father's role in their lives should be respected.

To answer your original question. It depends on the parents and how they behave. If they are toxic, self-centered twits (or even 1 of the 2), yes, major damage down the line. If he marries a woman with kids (or without kids) who decides your children are 2nd class citizens, they (and you) will have problems. If he marries a woman who wants to move away to be close to her family, your kids will feel abandoned and resentful. If he marries and establishes another home with another woman, they will feel left behind (and some kids act out). I could go on and on.

If the 2 parents are willing to work together for the sake of the children, it's possible that they will overcome this.

I read your prior post about considering counseling you posted last year. Ever watch the TV show WIFE SWAP? It's fascinating to me how many couples are opposite of each other. You might want to watch the show and see different family dynamics at work.

I would personally try to find common ground with my husband before divorce. Boredom for me wouldn't cut it. I'm not criticizing you. I would divorce my husband if he were gambling our lives away, was a criminal, beat me or the kids, was a drunk or addict, etc... If he was dangerous, he'd be out. Boring? Unfulfilled life? Nope. I'd work on it.

Marriage is like a gem. There are many facets. Sometimes, you only see one side, but there are other sides you are missing.

Here are 2 Christian counseling workshop for marriages. Watch the videos.

Weekend to Remember - Family Life Ministries
http://www.familylife.com/weekend#.Ut4X4faIYY4

Marriage Solution Workshop - New Life Ministries
http://newlife.com/newlifemarriageweekend

As a child of divorce, I can say they will be ok as long as the adults act likr adults, and as long as the children's welfare is take into consideration. If you can live close enough to each other for visitation to be easy, that you get along well enough to attend their stuff they are involved in, etc., they will be fine.

My friend recently got divorced. She has a 5 year old daughter and was worried, how the divorce will affect her. My friend had hired the lawyer at Seigman, Starritt-Burnett & Sinkfield, PLLC and the lawyer not only handled the divorce preceding effectively but took care of all the legalities related to her daughter and the custody.

Abnormal? No. I'm divorcing too with young kids and one thing is for sure: It's not abnormal. I homeschool, but my kids are in scouts and Taekwondo and homeschool network and have lots of activities with other kids and parents. I have lots of moms for friends. At least half the kids we know have divorced parents where both parents come and go to the activities, often with new significant others. It's not abnormal at all.

The best thing you can do is be civil to one another and for both parents to be loving. Good job! My split was nasty and it's hard to keep civil with ex, but I DO, and he's gone most of the time. When he does visit rarely, the kids are ecstatic and since he always did travel most of the time, they're used to seeing him rarely. He's very good with them when he visits. In other words, my kids are happy and well adjusted with much less "equal parenting" than yours have. Sounds like you've got nothing to worry about.

I'm seeing someone now who has teens. His own parents each married several times and he split with his kids' mom when they were young. Each parent has had several relationships since and you know what? The teens are happy and well-adjusted with LOTS AND LOTS of grandparents and honorary aunts and uncles and cousins. It's what they're used to.

As long as everyone in their lives is positive and mature about it, and neither parent brings a bad egg future spouse into the mix, they will have great lives.

I'm not trying to say, "Oh who cares, divorce doesn't matter", but the reality is, tons of people are divorced. At least half. To me it seems like FINDING the right person and maturely navigating your very first relationship at a young age FOREVER would be rare by nature.

It's no longer a huge taboo and I think all the heavy-handed "This will destroy your child's lives" stuff (my parents waited until my brother and I were adults to divorce due to church pressure-so sad! My brother and I begged them to divorce they were so unhappy) will fall to the wayside as the world adjusts like with everything else.

As long as you and your ex can work together for their sake, they will be fine. If it cannot be amicable, then you will have problems, sad to say.