I am a single mother with an 11 year old daughter. I am happily divorced for over 3 years. Her father and I split custody 50/50. We live 4 miles away from each other so she is in the same school district at either house. Right now we are on the 5/2 schedule. He gets every Monday and Tuesday, I get every Wednesday and Thursday and we alternate the weekends. He wants to go to a week on/week off schedule. I am on the fence for a myriad of reasons. I did some research and it doesn’t seem as if it is a highly recommended schedule. I’d love to hear some real life instances, pros and cons. He is going to haunt me until I do it, but I don’t want to be bullied into a situation that is not beneficial for my daughter. That’s why I left in the first place. However, we have a strained but amicable relationship.
I have spoken to my daughter about it. She says she wants the week/week when she is with him. She says things like "Dad wants to do week/week and said that I should want to do it too because it's better for me". When she is with me she says she missed me so much etc. She had a hard time re-adjusting because she has been gone so long. Also, he kept the house so it’s easier for her there as well as there are no rules there either - messy room, late bedtime, no homework help. etc.). Her father is a manipulator with an anger management issue and she is afraid to hurt his feelings and to get him mad. Her therapist is helping her through that, and thinks week/week is not a good idea, especially since her Father has told the therapist that he wants the week/week thing because he's sick of being on my schedule and it's easier for his work.
It seems to me it would be better because she could settle in one place for at least a few days, but honestly I would talk to her. She is 11, plenty old to have her own opinions on this.
I don't have any experience with this but I think I would actually prefer what he's suggesting. It seems more stable, less back and forth bouncing around. Just my opinion!
To the mom that says we do not understand what it is to be the child in the middle of all of this? Oh believe me, I know perfectly well about divorced parents and manipulating parents.. I am a child of divorce and we were very afraid we would have to live with our father.. He was very scary..But we loved him and did not want to hurt his feelings. Not only that, but I had a huge secret.. I was thrilled when they announced they were getting a divorce! The guilt stayed with me into adulthood.. took a lot of therapy sessions to admit it..Everyone else was devastated.
My sister does too, and her husband has no problem pulling stuff on the kids to make them go his way... But if you can make it safe for a child to say what they really want, it really gives them some sort of control in this crazy life they are living. Do not underestimate your children.. They know darn well what all of the adults are up too.. I knew we did and lots of children I speak with even now, admit it too.
Help your children be truthful. Tell them to say what they are really feeling. Then protect their feelings. Helplessness in these situations is scary..
My sister and her ex have the 50 /50 and it works well for their children.
They go to the other parents home on Monday night.
They also both live close to the schools the children attend.
The children have their own bedrooms at both homes. The children are old enough to know what they want to take back and forth to each home and how to keep up with their school work etc.. But again, since they are so close, they can call the other parent and let them know if they need to stop by and pick up something that was forgotten.
The children are EXTREMELY involved in sports and have a lot of friends and so the parents have to make sure they are available on their weeks to get the kids to their activities.. This means the children have to ask permission from both parents to join a team to be in a production etc.. otherwise the child will have to ask one parent to do these things alone. (Thank goodness, this has not been a problem, but the children know they need to ask any way, just in case, polite thing to do).
Finally they have also come to some peace about asking nicely for the other parent to sometimes, help with pick up or drop off, even on their off week. My SIL has to go out of town for business trips, so sometimes they have had to switch.. Dental appt. doctor appt.. has depended on who could take the child or which child wanted whichever parent there.
In emergency situations.. ER visits, they have both always been there..
Holidays are tough, but they finally have figured out the alternating holidays, year to year. Sometimes this gets changed, and boy is it drama filled, but they allow the kids to be heard in these situations.
The sleepovers, the parties.. all of these things have kind of worked out, because the children are old enough to speak up and have opinions and listen to suggestions.
Ask your daughter what she thinks would work for her.
My sister and her ex do have an agreement that if the child really needs to see the other parent for any reason, they do not have a problem with this.. The kids also have cell phones now, so they can also call either parent at any time.
Be strong. Your child will learn a lot about negotiations, options and making a choice and sticking with it. You and your ex, will teach her, by modeling these behaviors. I am sending you strength.
My 10 year-old daughter has been on a schedule similar to yours since Kindergarten. She is not away from either of us for more than three nights in a row. It still works well for us.
The question I would keep asking is "What about our current schedule is not working for [daughter]?" Repeat, repeat...
A schedule change needs to be for the best for her, not for him. Unless something about keeping the current schedule is unworkable for a parent (change of work schedule, change of address, etc.) a child's schedule should only be changed when it is best for them. Good for you for having a therapist involved and willing to speak up for your daughter's best interests.
BTW: Those responders saying "just ask her what she wants" don't know what it is like to have a manipulative parent. Asking the child puts them in a very difficult position, and often, the "opinion" the child will have just echoes that of the manipulative parent. At 11, I would leave her out of this decision unless her therapist can assure you that you are getting a true opinion from her.
I agree with Jen, in many ways, she SHOULD have a say (within reason). Soon she'll be legally old enough for what SHE wants to be the courts decision anyway.
:)
We actually do that one week schedule. It's been working fine for the past 16 years. Especially when I have to go out of town for work or he has plans with his wife; we just make our adjustments. And I have two other friends who do the same. It's less confusing (in our opinion) and the kids seem to like it.
I can't imagine making my kids do week on and week off, or even the schedule you are doing. Now we are married, so they are with us 24-7. but that seems hard. During the school year why can't your Ex just take every other weekend? And maybe Wednesday nights or something? I don't know...that just seems like either schedule wouldn't work for me or my kids. Where is her stability if she's bouncing around houses? I don't envy your position, but I don't think either schedule sounds very appealing to me.
I have a 50/50 schedule with my ex. He sounds just like your ex in that he's also manipulative and has anger issues. I have 3 daughters (20, 17 and 15). The younger two would prefer to be with me all the time, but still rotate weekly to avoid the guilt trips their dad will place on them if they don't. They both know they are old enough to make their own decision about where they choose to live, etc. I have to bite my tongue on many occasions and let their decision to keep the rotation be theirs. It's a fine line of being supportive and encouraging them not to spend time with their dad. All of my girls want a relationship with him, but he doesn't always make it pleasant.
All that to say 50/50 can work if both parents can coparent well. It took a while to get there, but my ex and I have learned to keep our focus on the girls instead of our past relationship. You need to be on the same page on big parenting issues and sometimes you just need to agree that disagreeing is ok on the smaller issues.
If you decide to go with the 50/50 arrangement, make sure you get everything in writing and officially change the custoday agreement...don't do it without consulting your attorney.
Mr. Master Manipulator needs to learn that he can't have everything he wants. It seems that what this might REALLY be about is ruling you as his ex, just like he did when he was your husband.
He can dog you til the cows come home, and you can still say no and the court will back you up because the therapist is on your side.
No homework help, no rules and late bedtime will come back to bite you in the butt DOUBLY if he gets his way. She isn't so hard now, but the teen years will end up being miserable. He is teaching her how to manipulate - did you know that? She will start it on you in a few years, trying to get what she wants. She will use him against you. Now, teens do this kind of stuff anyway with both parents together, without one parent fighting the other. But she's got a real pro who she is learning from to emulate. So you had better prepare for that.
I feel sorry for you in this, and I hope you will stand fast and JUST SAY NO!
Dawn
Awful for your child......School year for one of you....if you are close enough (mileage wise)...every other weekend and shared holidays and summers.
People who do the shared custody THING,should let the kids stay in the FAMILY home and the parents go to another place (and see HOW THEY LIKE IT)! Displace yourselves and STOP hurting your kids.
In this case, the therapist treating the child has weighed in that it does not seem to be the best for the child. Now, if the issue is his work schedule, would a more consistent Sun - Tue and Thurs through Sat and trade Weds work? Maybe it's time not to go week on/week off but to look at the schedule and find out specifically what is not working for him about it. When he says work schedule, what does that mean? Is she unable to go to his home after school and wait for him? If he's "sick" of being on your schedule, is this about his child or about his problem with you?
I will be upfront that our schedule was primary with one parent and EOWE and visits with the other (swapping who was primary in the summer) and that seemed to work well, but there were a few bumpy moments where the kids wanted to see more of their mom or dad here and there - which I think is more about their relationship with that parent than the schedule. SD missed DH when she was with BM and vice versa. Like someone else said, we never told his ex that she couldn't be a parent or shouldn't be involved. All involvement or lack thereof still rested on the parent and I would think that being only 4 miles apart they could still see each other very often without her having to trade home base so much. But I guess that's another topic for the therapist.
I also agree that asking a child to choose is a recipe for disaster. Kids that age do not know what they want to wear, let alone something as big as where they live. Twice DH's ex tried to convince the SD to swap households and twice DH said, "If you want me to consider this, you need to prove how it would be better for the child." It's not something a child should decide. It's something adults should decide, even if they take into consideration her input.
I would not do it!!!!
My friend has that and hates it . It's sad for her child: too long w/o one parent (mainly his mom). Whomever thought of this schedule was not a product of divorce.
You live close to each other........no reason why you cannot conintue w/your current schedule.
Again, it is too long w/o seeing the other parent.
I hope you can fight this.
I will first say that I am not a fan of 50/50 custody regardless of how the time is split. I feel this way mainly because any way you do it, the child is never really settled. If you do week/week you have completely different rules one week and then the other, typically doesn't feel completely at home at either place, and is hard to have a good consistent schedule (especially when rules are very different) plus neither parent sees that child for one full week...not fair for anyone. On the surface it is fair for the parents. I see a lot of the same problems with the schedule you have now (5/2).The two benefits I see to this one is that neither parent goes more than 5 days without seeing their child which is better for all and each parent still have to deal with some school week stuff but get a break. Again, on the surface this is fair for the parents. A fried of mine had the same set up as you but now has her girls Monday, Tuesday, and EO Weekend. Dad has them Wednesday and EO Weekend. Thursday goes to whoever doesn't have them the upcoming weekend....so mom has them a bit more but not much. They are a touch more settled which is better for school but it is still very hard. This is why I support one parent having them most of the time and alternating weekends. Doesn't seem fair to one parent but it is better for the child. The one parent having them more does not mean that the other parent shouldn't still see and be involved with the child's activities just that the child has a "home" and another that she visits.
Regardless of which she doesn't see, she will miss them. Don't let him pressure you into something just because it is convenient for either of you. Do what is best for your child!
I have a friend that has 50/50 custody with her ex. Her daughter literally cries all day from the time she wakes up until her dad takes her that evening. She wants to have one home, one set of clothes, on set of toys, one room, one "home" and visit the other one.
This dad will not take the daughter to her dance classes, he will not fix a good dinner for her, they eat out almost every meal, she does not have to do her homework because dad forgets she might have some, she gets no stability from this situation.
It sounds like your daughter is close to her dad. I would not like either arrangement. I think it is very hard on the kids no matter which way you go.
Week on/week off is actually a pretty common schedule for 50/50 custody. I actually think it is nice because the child gets a stretch of time with each parent, which you don't get with the schedule you currently have. (I had that schedule with my kids for a time, and I felt like we did nothing but transition, which wasn't good for any of us.)
Given what you have said though, it sounds like it might not be a good schedule for him, because he would have to make some big changes in the way he parents. While a day or two per week of late bedtimes and no homework help might fly, an entire week of that would absolutely affect your daughter's school performance. I mean, sure, week to week might be easier for him on his work schedule, but he has to be willing to do the right thing for his daughter, not for himself. You might agree to a trial, say for a couple of months, to see how it goes. If at the end of the trial things aren't going well (and you could ask the therapist to be the one to assess how she's doing) then at least you made the gesture to try. (This is how I learned that the 2/2/EOW schedule was not good for us.)
Also, I think it's normal for kids to miss one parent when they're with the other. It doesn't necessarily mean things are bad, it's just natural. It sounds like your ex is an extra special case, though, so of course that needs to be taken into account.
Good luck!
Your current schedule would drive my son absolutely insane. Although it's better than the one my ex originally proposed (2 mom, 2 dad, 5 mom, 5 dad, etc, 1 mom, 1 dad, 3 mom, 3 dad, etc. etc.).
We're on week on week off... and the only good thing that can be said about it is that it's better than the rotating "Where the heck am I today???" schedule.
He has 2 TOTALLY different lives. 1 week he's in daycare all week, the next week he's with family and in sports and classes. Although, we're SUPER lucky there, because most sports won't let a kid come every other week.
Haven't been able to do drama or anything "new" (his sports and classes he's been doing for years and years, so he's getting a 'pass' from his old coaches and teachers just because they know him), and unless we can switch to 80/20, he's just not going to be able to. Dad works 80 hours a week, so he's in daycare from 5am-8pm or 6am-6pm (and then a sitter).
ONE option, that is durn close to 50/50 is
School Year
Parent A = M-F
Parent B = F-M
(parent B picks up from school on Friday and drops off at school on Monday)
Summer And All holidays:
Parent A = F afternoon - Monday morning
Parent B = M-F
Essentially one parent has the children during the week during the school year, and then during the week during the summer... and the other parent has weekends during the school year and the week during the summer. The KEY point, during the school year, is picking up from school on Friday, and dropping off monday... that way the weekend parent is responsible for all homework assigned over the weekend (sunday night drop offs = both missed homework AND loss of contact between weekend parent and school. Friday after school and monday drop off keeps the weekend parent involved -at least if they want to be- 2 days a week, while the other parent has 3 days a week.)
Thank goodness you have a therapist for her! I know it was a tremendous help for my daughter with all of the divorce stuff she had to endure. When I tell you I understand, believe me I do!
I always pushed for my daughter getting to decide. This may be the unpopular point of view but I fully believe it is what prevented my ex and me from a nasty custody battle.
When we first separated she did not want to spend the nights with him. He fought it until I told him that unless he was prepared to watch her cry and scream the whole time he should accept day visits only for a while. She eventually got comfortable and decided she wanted nights. We worked around his work schedule because I can make my time more flexible. When he moved in with his girlfriend we went through the same thing again. When they had their first baby it was an option to alter the schedule but in the end my daughter decided she wanted to spend as much time as she could with the baby.
Over time we have come to a schedule that works best for her.
Mon PM-Thurs AM-- Mom
Thurs PM- Friday PM-- Dad
Fri PM- Sat PM-- Mom
Sat PM-Mon PM--Dad
While it's not the most stable, she is comitted to it and feels she won't miss either of us too much this way. The therapists (the first moved away and since then she's been on and off as she needs it) helped so much in supporting her process and what she was comfortable with. As long as I could keep things in terms of what she wanted and what the therapist thought best, without my opinion being a big part of it, then my ex couldn't accuse me of manipulation (although he tried at first, oh boy!).
There's still plenty of rough patches between my ex and me. I always keep three things in mind:
1. Make it safe for her to say what she wants (use the therapist as much as possible).
2. Make it clear for him what the consequences might be to force our daughter into a situation she is not comfortable with (how miserable she would be, she tends to get physically ill from stress...).
3. Take my own advice even when I have a different preference than she is asking for.
Sorry this is so long. Good luck!
