Should I Be Honest?

my M. didn't bad mouth my dad and he literally saw me three times in my childhood after the divorce. I only lived with him a few weeks of my life. I knew by his choices he did not care. It would have been worse to have known earlier.

If he's not being an active father, then gushing about how wonderful he is IS lying and you should not be bad talking about him - it only makes you look bad and bitter.
You can be more honest by saying nothing if there is nothing good to say about him.
Eventually the kids will come to their own conclusions about what kind of father he is.
They will ask "Where is he?", "So and so's Daddy does this with him. Why doesn't Daddy do this for us?" etc.
You can only say "I don't know but he's really missing out on some pretty wonderful kids and I'm glad you're with me".

I would not go around saying how good he is, etc... There's no need for that. There is also no need to say how terrible he is also. Honestly, neutrality is the way to go here, and you can still stay "honest" about it.

But seriously, keep the questions they have about him... for HIM via a phone call or letter or something like that. What they NEED to know can come from him.

You have to learn to let their comments roll off your back. You'll get those until they are grown, it is a part of life. Some remarks get very ugly, especially with girls lashing out at moms. You can't take it personally.

The "not enough money" should be able to be corrected in court.

I do not think you should build him up but you also do not need to trash him either, bottom line, he is their father and no matter how bad he may have been to you... he's their daddy. They are the ones who suffer from not having the ideal stable family with mom/dad.

NEVER EVER BAD MOUTH a parent or grandparent to a child. EVER.

If he doesn't call - tell them the truth - I DO NOT KNOW why he didn't call you.

DO NOT say "well, he's a loser, something else was probably more important to him, so he didn't call.

If he misses his child/custody time? TRY (and this does not mean calling and hanging up or dialing and hanging up it means leaving a voice mail or actually talking to him) and call him to find out if there is a problem and then tell them "I'm sorry. I tried calling him and left a voice mail. I do not know where he is or why he's not here. Let's do something fun instead. I'll keep my cell phone handy should he try and call, okay?"

Do not EVER badmouth the absent parent. EVER. It WILL come back to bite you in the butt.

it is OKAY to tell them - you do not know why he hasn't called...but that is IT. keep YOUR opinions of him out of it.

When they say "You're being mean. I'm going to go move with my father." Pick up the phone and call him right then and there. Tell him what they want and have them talk to him themselves. He will come up with excuses and such...one day they will get it.

I agree with the other moms about not bad-mouthing the other parent; however, the one distinction I would make is to help them understand that it's not THEIR fault that their dad is disinterested. Some people have very serious limitations that have nothing to do with their children. Children take it personally though (heck we adults take it personally). It's even worse if they have a false impression about what a great guy he supposedly is.

I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't embellish either.

Your stock answer can be "He is being the best dad he can be for right now." It's pretty neutral, it's the truth (no, he's not being the dad you want him to be, but he's doing HIS best for right now and if that's not enough, the kids will eventually figure it out) and it is actually a pretty noncommittal response that doesn't defend him or take his side.

When he misses those phone calls or online visits, I'd suggest just giving lots of empathy and not making excuses. "I don't know why he didn't X, and I see you are really sad about this."

As for them threatening to 'go live with dad'...I'd suggest just reminding them "yes, you'd like to do that, and your father has agreed to your living with me, so this is where you stay for now. He wouldn't have agreed if he didn't think it was a good idea."

The absence of a second parent, especially their dad who they do see and remember, is very hard. If you have the resources, consider taking the girls to talk to a counselor. You need support, and some counselors offer services on a sliding scale. These are hard circumstances for all of you. Best wishes on this one...

He's their dad-- not their ex husband.....so they have a different feeling for him than you do.
They are still little, I wouldnt build him up TOO much, but definitely stay away from negative bashing for now. The girls WILL figure him out when they become of age to do so.

They are way too young for you to be completely honest. I would not sing his praises all. When they ask why Daddy missed their online appointment, just say something like "I don't know why he missed your appoinment...I know that makes you sad...let's go do something fun today". You are telling the truth to an extent...you really don't know why he is being a douchebag.

You don't need to "build him up" but you shouldn't bad mouth him, in my opinion.

He "doesn't send enough money"? Honey that's what court ordered support is for. It's not his whim or decision to send enough...it's the law. The very least you can do is to make sure this man PAYS the determined amount of support for his children every month. Even if you don't "need" it to live--bank it for their future. It might be his main legacy for them, from the sound of his attitude.

Get tough when the hurtful comments start. Let them roll off of your back. As they grow, they will see their "father" for what and who he is--good or bad--that's for his behavior to determine.

I would not bad mouth him and I would also not make him out to be the greatest dad. They will develop their own opinions of him. I used to tell my mom all the time that I would go live with my dad when I did not like what she was telling me, it is a part of growing up with divorced parents.

If you are not getting enough child support then go to court, but they will base it on his salary.

They are 5 and six. You don't have to tell them the gory details of your experience as an adult. But do NOT build him up to be perfect. Try to get all the baggage out of the way about how you feel about him, and only tell them the basics. If there's a counselor you can talk to to help out with this situation that would be good.

There is a fine line between being honest with them and being badmouthing him you can just say "I don't know why he didn't call you can ask him the next time...." without saying "he doesn't care about you...." I think you should just say to them well we will see.... when they say they want to move with him. you know its not going to happen. And I would not do the whole "you can't have it cause your dad doesn't send money thing" just say we can't afford it. period. bad mouthing him won't make them feel any better.

Saying they are going to move in with dad is the same as I hate you. To use it as an excuse to hurt the girls. All kids want to believe that their parents love and want them. To hear otherwise will hurt them.

When I divorced my ex, I told our kids (4 and 7 yo at the time) that their dad was not "making family friendly choices" and that we were not able to be married anymore. Now that they are older, they SEE for themselves why we are no longer married. For example, they will come back from a weekend at his house and say how boring it is because all they do is play video games. I would say something like, "yes, I know, he did that when we were married and I wanted to do more with our lives." So now they get it. I would tell them only what they can *understand* at their age. Then as they get older, they will understand more and you can tell them more. But NEVER bad mouth him, just state the facts. Good luck.

When they are old enough, they will figure it out on their own. In the meantime, do not bad mouth him to them. You don't have to go on and on about how good he is, but don't say things to make them think he's a louse either. At their ages, they just need to know that he's far way and that they see them when they can. enough said for them.

No, don't be completely honest. Kids don't need to know what a terrible person one of their parents might be. We had to deal with this with my stepson, because his mom lived around the corner from us but would never help, attend his sports games, or really show much interest unless it was convenient for her. Not once from the age of 9 to 18 did we ever bad mouth her in from of him. He's 20 now and guess what? He has figured out on his own what type of person she is. It is not your job to form their opinions for them, they will do so in due time.

The comments to that make you feel bad? DH & I are married, and I still get comments that are similar. It's really a kid thing & not something to put too much stock into. Now, if you notice your kids are having other issues, it may not be a bad idea to have them talk to a 3rd party, especially if you're not sure how to handle it all.

If you need more money from him, then why are you not trying to get mandated child support?

A brilliant mom on here posted the following acronym a bit ago, and it lays out my personal beliefs so well I've totally co-opted it!

THINK before you speak

T - true?
H - helpful?
I - inspirational?
N - necessary?
K - kind?

" Truth" can be the most hurtful weapon around, but lying can be just as bad.

Telling them how wonderful dude is will set them up for 1 or more of a few things... Like thinking totally ignoring them, disappointing yhem, hurting their feeling, or popping in and out at their convince IS wonderful / "what to expect" from men, people who love th, relationships, etc. OR set them up for constant disappointment with dude who never follows through, or thinking you're an idiot, or, or, or.

So lying isnt the best route, here, IMHO.

So what IS true?

He loves them very much.
Some people, even when you really love someone dont know how to ________ (show it, be there, etc.)
Etc.

((My dad was gone a LOT, but it was job related, and he spent every spare moment at home / LOVED being with us/ made sure we had everything we needed/ loved and respected our mom/ was just an amaaaaaazibh dad. Simply being gone doesn't make a bad father. Ambivalence, disrespect, etc does. ))

Instead of telling your kids how good their dad is, stop talking about him. If he Skype's or writes, (whatever it is he is doing online), then fine. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

Don't tell them that they are going to meet their dad so that they get their hopes up. Wait until he calls saying that he is on his way. THEN tell them.

Ignore the part about moving in with their dad. Instead, say "Well, adults don't like rules either, but everyone has to live with rules. If we didn't have rules, nothing would work." If they ask for examples, go off on educational tangents. Anything to change the subject, yet SEEM that you are acknowledging that they are upset. Above all, keep your cool and DON'T let it bother you or hurt you that they are saying this. If you let them see that it hurts you, they will keep pushing your buttons like this.

They are too young for you to tell them the truth about their dad. However, if I were you, I would only communicate with him by email or text, and I would print out every communication you have and keep them in a binder. When your kids are in their teens, they may "idealize" him and act like you are the bad guy. He may tell them that you never let them see him when they were little. He may lie his head off to them.

It would be hard for them to know the truth, but when they are older, you would at least be able to show them the truth, that you indeed tried to foster a relationship between them and their father. Maybe you'll never have to show it to them. But if you have it, along with proof of what he did and didn't pay in child support, proof that you took him to court for it, etc, when they are adults they will respect you for having been a good advocate for them.

Dawn

DO NOT ever badmouth him, or make him seem like a 'bad' person in any way.

Our situation was worse than yours... My mom walked out on my family and left us with my dad when we were 6mos, 2yrs, 4yrs, and 5yrs old. We didn't see her again until I was about 11.

My dad was always VERY careful not to badmouth my mom in any way. Even when she never paid child support, and he was struggling to feed us, he didn't blame her to us. When we asked where she was, he would tell us that she was living in (town she was in.) When we asked why she never wanted to talk to us, or why we never saw her, he would tell us that she was busy.

We did pull the 'I want to live with Mom!' phrase out quite a bit when we felt we were being treated unfairly. He would tell us that it wasn't going to happen, and suck it up. lol.

I definitely wouldn't lie to them either... When you have to talk to them about him, keep it as neutral as possible... let them make their own opinions. Eventually, they will be old enough to recognize who he is based on their own observations of him... They need to be able make that opinion based on their own observations, without it being colored by your bias. (Even if it is a well-earned bias...)

Believe me, when they are older, they will appreciate your neutrality. I know that as an adult, the way my dad handled my mom's disappearance is one of the things I respect the most about him. :)

Nah. They will learn on their own. Dont say anything bad about him. They know they can count on you, and trust you, and they will learn they cant with him.

I agree with the moms that say not to rave about how great he (lying) as this will set up disappointment for them -- he's really great, so why doesn't he pay me attention?? But also you don't need to bad mouth him and tell the truth about how bad he is.

Neutrality, mixed with age appropriate truths, but only upon request. And they should be encouraged to ask HIM any hard questions about himself. You may find out, when he is faced with the smart children who have the hard questions for him, he may begin distancing himself even more, which may not be a bad thing in your situation....

Also, begin to teach your children that you know how a person feels about you by their ACTIONS, not their words, without singling out thier father. This is an important lesson for every relationship in our lives. Kids are smart, they'll figure it out.

Let them make up their own minds. I would also say stop making excuses for them. It will prolong the figuring out stage. Don't bad mouth him, just say I don't know why this happened. You'll have to ask him next time you speak to him.

Given the current situation with your 5 year old daughter crying unreasonably, I think it's best you sit down with her one on one and tell her the truth.

She seems lost and is acting out. And you are the only one she can act out on.

She is old enough to reason. So, yes, I vote you lovingly tell her what your struggles about her dad are. Tell her once and remind her often how much you love her and will always be there for her. And then try as best as you can to provide daily stability and support and close family and friends to ease her pain.

Don't badmouth him to them. They are half him and they will internalize any criticism of him as reflecting on them.
They will figure out for themselves when they're older what the truth was.
You needn't lie and paint him as Santa, Willie Wonka, and Superman all rolled into one, just let them know that he loves them.

I was in a similar situation on the child side of things. My mom and dad split when I was very small and I had contact with my dad about once a month. When I was little, my mom explained that my dad was really more like a really special friend. We would go and do fun stuff together, and it was OK if I had fun with him and it was OK if I liked him. But he was not a parent. She was my parent, and her second husband was my parent-dad not my friend-dad. I learned all of the gory details much, mach later in life. I am grateful that I was able to build a relationship with my dad that was not burdened by extra knowledge. I will admit, it has been hard dealing with those "gory details," but it is much easier for me to see the person that my dad is now rather than the person he was when he and my mom got divorced. My mom might have preferred at some point that I just hate him forever, but I would rather have the relationship that I now have with my dad, which is great.

Without badmouthing him you could just say that you made a poor choice in picking a daddy for them.

Please do not bad mouth their dad to them. It could cause them to grow up and have resentment for you. It is best to only speak positively of their dad. Children push limits and you must always expect for that to be thrown out as an option. You have to set the tone for how they will be raised. They will grow up and learn for themselves what their father is all about and will respect you for not speaking ill of him while they were growing up. This is coming from a woman whose own father is not worth much but whose mother never spoke wrongly of him. I learned on my own what my father was about and thanked my mother for not coloring my opinion of him by speaking badly about him. Leave it up to your children to make their own assessment of him and let them decide on what they want their relationships to be.

dont be too honest but dont lie either.... dont talk about him unless they bring him up then just tell the truth with out letting YOUR feelings show. easier said than done i know

So if I am reading this correctly you're kids are now 6&5? And you are asking us if you should tell them that their father is not a good person?
Ahhh, NO! You should absolutely NOT 'be more honest' with them!!

~If your girls are already saying that they want to move with Dad when you are 'being so mean' to them, I think you have other more pressing issues to deal with on your end besides worrying about making sure they know that their Dad is the bad guy!

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

If they ask you a question about their dad, answer honestly and be straight forward but do not elaborate and purposely badmouth him. But, yes, quit lying and building him up. Don't worry, they will figure out from his actions that he is not so great. And also, don't worry, those are just normal threats - like I'll run away, etc. Don't let them upset you.

If you haven't started to bad mouth him why start now? You're kids will figure it out when they are older. For now just tell them that he is a good dad and bite your tongue when you feel that you are about to say something mean in front of them.