Problem with Ex-husbands Girl Friend

Dear D.:
If she had it on speakerphone, she obviously wanted you to hear it. In Texas you can record a conversation, if one party agrees to it, the other does not have to be informed. And it is your phone, so I guess you are the party in case of your daughter. Depending on the equipment you have, you can record a conversation with it directly or you need an extra piece (usually under $100) for the computer or a tape. A VCR should work, too, even if it is just sound. That should give you evidence you may need. Also take lots of notes with dates (if needed times) and what happened. Get legal advice, but start doing this right away. Try to remember as much as you can with as much detail, possible witnesses, etc. You did not mention your custody arrangement, but either way they seem to be out to paint you as a bad parent.

If your daughter cooperates, try to get her to ask for more detail during such a phone call. If that woman says you're a liar, have her ask: "What do you mean, when did she lie? What makes you think that?" The more ammunition and detail, the better. And be there while the speakerphone is on. A taped phone call is legally valid, if backed by a witness.

I am not a lawyer, but I read the Texas Penal Code regarding that due to similar issues here. My lawyer told me that keeping a log is good, because likely the other side does not and then they cannot object to details you mention because it was too long ago. And ALWAYS stick to the truth. You can write: "I was under the impression that..." if you felt that way. If it turns out that the 'fact' was untrue or ambiguous, your impression was still true. If you heard someone say something, quote or relay indirectly, listing that person, so they know it did not come from you.

Gear up for an ugly one...

W.
(father of 8yo boy)

P.S.: My ex took two of the three prepaid cell phones for my son away. Well, they got 'lost'. Would appreciate more info on your rights in a private message...

I am sorry you have this to deal with. My advice is to get a lawyer. Your child's therapist would be a good witness to testify that the interactions between father/girlfriend are not therapeutic. You can request that his visitation be supervised by the courts if you feel that he needs visitation. let him do all the welfare checks he wants. Just keep accurate records when he does it and what reason he is giving. I would personally mail the phones back to him as soon as possible. As their mother you have a right to know what contact they have and with whom. If he can contact them through the home phone there is no reason for them to have his cell phones. BTW mail them certified, return receipt requested or ship them where a signature is required to accept the package. You can even do restricted delivery to him so that he must sign for the package. I would consider Fedex or UPS with signature required. That way they can use them while they are with him if he chooses to let them.

As for you children, I would make it a point to never speak badly where they can hear about the father or girlfriend or his family. It will come back to bite you in the butt if you do. As they mature, they will realize who is doing to back biting and bad talk. I know that is no consolation to you right now but long term there will be an awareness of it. Now, you must love your children. Check with the therapist and see if there is any damage control you can do. Work closely with them because if you go to court, you will need them to state you are doing everything they recommend and the outcome of that. They will also testify to the damage that the ex is doing to the kids.

Another option, and this is a dicey one, is to meet with your ex and your daughter's counselor. You can tell him what you see and have a witness to the fact that you are attempting to work this out. That goes a long way in court. You can also see if the counselor will meet with you, your daughter and him. I don't know if this will help, but you can tell him you want him to have a relationship with his kids but you can't allow this contact to be a detriment to them. You can also appeal to your ex's family to intervene if they will.

Good luck,
C.

Who has custody of the girls. If you have custody and you don't have any papers that give your x-husband visitation then I would not allow the girls to go and visit. Make him take you to court. Does he pay child support? If not you need to put that in place. You are in charge of your children, if the girlfriend is not a good influence for the kids I wouldn't allow them around her. Let your x know he can visit them at your house or you can meet at a park without the girlfriend. If you can, tape any phone calls you get. To my knowledge the police won't do "a welfare check" out of the blue. I agree with what the other person had to say about the cell phones, YOU ARE IN CHARGE, NOT YOUR X-HUSBAND OR HIS GIRLFRIEND.

OH MY GOD. I seems as though thing have gotten a little out of control. You must try and speak with your ex and his girlfried. If you have any friends within his family that can set some type of meeting set up for you. DO IT. Don't involve the girls in that meeting. You need to get across to them how they are hurting the girls and you need to assure them that you will never cut communication bewteen them and the girls again. Never badmouth either of them in front of the girls no matter how much they may deserve it. Your girls are a part of their father and badmouthing him will make them feel that there is something wrong with them. Your 10 year old is dealing with that right now with the ex girlfried badmouthing you and you need to point that out to her, your ex and his family.
Sit down with your girls and talk to them. Tell them that you are sorry that you took the phones away and cut communication with their dad. Tell them that you made a mistake and that sometimes mom's do make mistakes. Tell the 10 year old that you do not know why the girlfriend dislikes you so much, that you love her(daughter)very much and that you are the best mother you know how to be.
Tell the 10 year old that she may not live with her dad right now and that at 10 (I do not believe she can legaly make that choice)find out and tell her that. Tell her that you will not discuss it again and that if she brings it up you will ignore the topic. In otherwords put that subject to bed. Tell her that when she is much older and if she still feels she would like to live with her dad, you will consider it.
Finally, hire a lawyer and find out what your rights are so there are no suprises for you in the future.

Get a lawyer they know the laws and could guide you in a better direction. Continue to love your children, talk with them, ask them about their day and such- keep your communication with them positive. With a situation like this you need to be patient with your girls - As far as the cell phones goes- it's your home, set some rules. Let them use the phone at a certain time of day. I wouldn't let them take their phonee to their rooms personally. Your ex husband and friend could be just wanting to stir up problems for you- jealiously perhaps? Will say a prayer for you and hope that Your given strength and guidence.

Blessings, C.

I have experience with this happening to my own parents. My parents divorced when I was nine and my sister was eleven. It wasnt too long after that that my father met his girlfriend, now wife. The same thing happened, my mother was bad mouthed and it just got worse and worse. Eventually we were taken from our mother and it was more than ten years before I began to mend that relationship. I am not saying that is what happening here, however I would advise you to not take any chances. Dont give them ANY reason to make you out to be a bad mother. Talk to your girls calmly and explain to them that its not okay the things they say about you. Dont bad mouth their dad or the girlfriend, as hard as it may be you have to set the example now. The best advice I can give you is to document everything you can, when they see their dad, when they talk to him, everything. I would go as far as to find a way to tape the conversations that are wrong for their dad or his girlfriend to be having with them. Talk to an attorney as to the best course of action. The worst thing you could do is just expect it to go away, it could, but it may not. You shouldnt act like them but you definately need to think like them. Expect that they will twist everything around and do everything in your power to make it as difficult as possible to do that. Just stay on your toes and talk to your girls.

Well first of all I don't know how old your daughters are, however, they live in your house so if you say no cell phones then there should be no cell phones. Package them back up and mail them to your ex. Second of all, if your ex wants to talk to the kids after all these years, I would allow him to call the house phone, but you are right in not wanting him to call your cell phone. Set limits on when he can call the house like not after 9:00 pm. Tell him if he wants the girls to be able to call him then he can buy them calling cards and they can call him from the house with the calling cards within the time limits set.

Now as for the girlfriend issue. Unfortunatly there are alot of things in life you cannot change. It sounds like this woman has it set in her mind to bad mouth you as much as possible. As hard as it is don't stoop down to her level. Tell your girls that no matter what the girlfriend says you will not bad mouth their father or his girlfriend. If they are teens or pre-teens it is normal for them to want to live with their father. Don't let them of course but what they are feeling is normal. All you can do is tell your children how much you love them and continue to do your best for them. Now if this other woman decides to be "man" enough to say something to you directly then confront it head on and don't back down. When she starts giving you parenting advice just let her know that you have been doing this for many years and when you want advice you will solicit if from a friend and not the woman shacked up with your ex. I am sure she will get the point. Okay, sorry this was so long I just have personal ties to this subject.

T.

amazingly enough i am going through the same thing. i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. know that you have someone that will listen. i know with my situation that is really all i want sometimes.

D., this is a terrible situation, and can only be solved with prayer and a level head. I have a friend who is in some sense, in the same spot. I shared your story w/ her and i am going to past her response. I think her advice is wise and trustworthy. Please read..

D.,
I hate to here that the ex's girlfriend does not realize how good she could have it. First of all she has the opportunity to have a strong relationship that is earned not forced by your girls and you as well but instead she is taking the low road that so many do.... I am a mother myself to a beautiful 3 year old baby girl and a step mother to the most awesome 10 year old boy I know. And there are definitely lines that can be crossed on both parts. I am going to share with you the steps that you can do to provide a stable environment for your girls. It's probably not everything you want to hear but the justice system isn't justice to both sides. You know. Anyway my first step would be for you to sit all your babies down and tell them you are sorry for all this they are going through and that they are awesome children with good heads on their shoulder's and it will all work out. Let them know you are here and that just because you get involved sometimes doesn't mean you are trying to remove their dad from their life but rather protect them from other things they have no business going through. Thirdly your oldest daughter will have the opportunity before any of the others to decide where she wants to live and at 12 legally she can make the choice on her own. You have rights to protect your children but he has the right to see them regardless of his absence the way the court will look at it is at least he is making an effort and not shooting up drugs some where with the kids tagging along. I know this sounds absurd but it is how it works...Just to save you the trauma of having to face this in court why don't you allow the oldest to go stay for 1 semester with the grounds that she live with the in-laws regardless if the father gets a home. You mentioned you love his family and trust them so this should be doable. This will allow her to see first hand what she is getting in to and leaves you still in control...Versus her plotting her escape to leave on her own..It is never easy and this coming from a step mother she will never let the other woman replace you but she is interested in what could be and when she arrives and finds out it's not a fairy tale like they proclaim she will return I promise. You have to allow her wings to spread in order for her to truly see you are on her side. If you feel this woman is not suitable to be around your child then you also have legal regard there just be sure you can prove this. Your children's father can have them around any one that the court deems as suitable and or competent and if she has a history of not being such well then you have more fuel for that fire. But keep it separate. Keep the harsh feelings you have for this woman who is trying to bash you to your children separate from the feelings of your baby girls because it will become cloudy and they (the girls) usually get looked over and anger takes over. Be the mother you know you are and deal with each situation in levels and address only the people it directly involves not necessarily the one it is being told too.

D., my neice went through the same situation, and now at 13 she has finally decided to move back in w/ my brother. She see's now that her mother's "no rules, i'd rather be your best friend" attitude is not what she needs. Your daughter will make the right decision. But she can only do this if she is allowed to experience the other side.

I agree with the responds. I would a mail the phone back.Let ehm use the house phone and record convesations on the phone. It can be used in court. Be detailed about what is going on. Write everything down. And let the therapist know what is going on. But be careful of that because he can ask to see your daighter record.Hire a lawyer. Invest $$$ into it before it is too late and gets way out of hand. Now is the time to take action before he does. The girl friend might hate the fact that child support money is given to you. If we had all the child support money then we wouldnt be living like this.Is probley what she is thinking. And he is probley feeding it to her. Good luck. And even if you have to get 3 jobs to pay for the lawyer these are your kids and it is worth every penney. I am glad I did. My ex did the same thing and I spent at least 35 thousand through 10 years and now he has no rights to the kids. Toatlly 2 differnt stories but I am so glad I did. And I took action the first sense of problem and it helped in the long run.

Wow- I would have flipped out if I heard someone tell my children "Your Momma is a liar..she doesn't care about you and you can come and live with us... but she will not let you". You didn't say anything to her right then and there?

I think the 3 of you need to have a sit down without the kids around. You need to tell them that is 100% inappropriate and she can't stop her behavior, your kids will not be allowed around her anymore. Period. Your kids have NO relationship with that woman. You have a right to protect your kids and this woman is toxic.

If you don't want the kids to have those phones, then you and their father need to discuss it. Maybe only let them have the phones to speak to their father? If its a problem, take the phones. He does have a right to speak to his children so you will have to deal with him calling you to do so.

I take it you have custody? If it were me, I'd get a court ruling that the girlfriend is not to be around your children during his visitations due to her trying to manipulate your kids.

And I know its hard, but if your daughter says she wants to go with them, let her. She'll be back in no time when she realizes how good she has it with you. Actions speak much loader than words.

Good luck~
L.

Well, I know just how you feel, only mine is a lil diferent, you see my ex's girlfriend and i don't get along, in which I would have liked to because of my girls, I have 3 girls as well, but my ex also never had a place of his own and his girlfriend would bad mouth me to my girls too and when I found out I confronted her of coarse, and I also told my ex that if thats the thing he wanted to live with then thats his life I don't care, but that thing he's with has obviously no brain or heart if she is telling my girls bad things that are not true about me, their mother, and that if he wants to see or talk to his girls he knows how to act! PERIOD!!!! you are the mother and no one can tell you other wise. You are no longer involved with his family and he is the only one tied to your girls, they are with you and not him, for a reason, andif he cares anything about his girls then he needs to have a talk with his lil thing!!! So confront the lady and talk to your ex to see if he realy wants a relationship with his girls, and believe me, my fiance LOVES my girls to death and my girls love him too, they even call him daddy, and my ex knows that, but that just goes to show him who's daddy and who realy acts like one, cuz those are your girls no matter what and they will always be with you, talk to your girls too, I always tell them the truth whether it hurts or not, the truth is always the best, and explain how that makes you feel and how that hurts, if they don't really know both sides of the story one has no choice but to believe the other. And kids just want to be loved all the time and it's so easy for people like them to take advantage, so girl, let them know wuz up!!

You can definitely get an attorney to help you file a modification of parent-child relationship. You can ask for supervised visitation, you can ask that the children not be exposed to the girl friend. Many divorce decrees state that when the children visit, no person of the opposite sex is to stay overnight. It's common practice and judges absolutely allow it. It's a morality clause. I work for a family law firm...we deal with this all the time. It is costly, but you can shop around and find a lawyer with decent rates. The other advice given is good, however, I would not use the child to facilitate a recorded phone conversation with the current girlfriend. Do not put the children in the middle, whatsoever. You can call your ex and/or his girlfriend and tell them that you do not appreciate the negative things they are saying about you. It sounds to me like the girlfriend is very young, immature or both. If your ex wants to put a call into CPS and lie about the welfare of your children, nothing can stop him and nothing will prevent the investigation. CPS can and will close the case upon lack of evidence, etc.
You have many rights. You have a good case. I doubt your ex or his girlfriend are going to listen to anything you have to say, so unfortunately you may have to have a judge order it.

D.,
If you have full custody of those children and you are providing a nice, sound and stable enironment for those kids anything that your ex and his girlfriend says is really obsolete, it is very childish and unhealthy for him to sabotage you to those kids and she really has no say in the matter at all....besides she is just a girlfriend there is no permanence in the word girlfriend she can be made to exit this relationship just as quick as she entered it. What you should remind your children is to beware of those you makes a conscious effort to try and ridicule, destroy and point out flaws in another person, mainly you. This type of behavior always carries behind it a hidden agenda, no matter how anyone looks at it, if he were a real man and role model to those kids the last thing he would try to do is destroy their mother by bad mouthing her to them, this is very wrong to say the least! It may eventually back fire on those two morrons, I feel for you, well stay humble and don't ever stoop to their level. good luck with your children~!
J.

It sounds like your problem is with both your ex and his girlfriend. I have been through something similar and you actually have more options than I did, at first. Because your ex was out of your kids lives for a long period, you can make it to where he can only see the girls in your presence and with no overnights. Even if he called the police, they cannot force you to let the girls go and you can tell them that you have serious safety concerns for your daughters because he had not seen them for so long. My ex skipped visits all the time because he thought he could and at one point weeks went by without a call or anything. When he did show up I explained to him that he was no longer allowed to take our son over night, but he could see him anytime in our home or I would meet him someplace public. Ultimatly, you need to do this for your daughters well being because it is obvious that things are being said to make your job as a parent harder and that mess with their minds. You should also sit down with the girls and be gentle but honest about what you are going to do, so they understand and do not feel left out. My son was 4 and 5 when we were dealing with his dad and girlfriends, but I told him that his dad could see him whenever, but I could not make him do it. I told him that the things his father was saying and doing in front of him (bad mouthing and cussing at me) were not okay for him to have to deal with and he was not going to be spending the night with his dad anymore. He actually took it pretty well and he did have a lot of questions, but he dealt with it better because I was honest and I did not trash his dad in front of him. Your ex and his girlfriend are not considering your girls feeling or their relationship with you and your husband, who they spend most of their time with. You need to encourge your girls to look at the whole picture-you have been their one constant parent and that will not change, they should try to remember that when they hear negative things about you-they know you and are with you all the time.
My son's father is now relinquishing his rights, my husband is adopting my son, my son knows what a real father looks and acts like, he is very happy, and his father has not been an active participant for almost 2 years now. Wish you the best!!

Hi D.,

First of all, I want to say, I'm very sorry that you and the your family are going through this chaos. You mentioned that your daughter is now in therapy, which is wonderful. I believe we could all use counseling as a way of keeping us grounded and healthy for those around us. My personal suggestion is that, the entire family (you and your husband), and the ex-husband and his parents (girlfriends don't count as family in a court of law) should go to family counseling, set down with a professional and talk about what's going on, and how to be able to come to a mutual understanding about the wellness and welfare of the children involved. I know how hard it may be, but DO NOT stoop to the ex's level by bad mouthing him in front of your daughters, while elevating the new husband (and I do believe he is wonderful to you and the girls). Of course, they want to go and live with Daddy, you're the PARENT and the disciplinarian and you appear at the moment to be the bad guy, but trust me, those girls know, and will know about morals and integrity from their mother. Please do welcome a welfare check on yourself, and then on him and his girlfriend and then request supervised visits when the kids are with him. Please don't let this stress you out, and ALWAYS ALWAYS remember, you're the mother, and they will never ever forget that. As for the girlfriend, tell her until she's legally his wife, she and her parenting skills can get lost, and you do have the right to monitor and supervise your children's telephone calls to non-family members. After all, what do you really know about her, and any sane man would question why anyone would bad mouth the mother of his children to his children. No matter what the problems you and he may have, they're your problems, not the girls.

Good luck, feel free to email, and know that you're doing a wonderful job raising the future leaders of tomorrow.

F.

I know you want to do the right thing and not keep your children away from their father but if it jeopardizes things you must do it. If he is paying child support he probably want the kids so you can pay.

Talk with your ex-husband and the girlfriend together and discuss this first. Warn them and say if this continue, and my kids will tell me, the visitation rights will cease.

Personally, little kids are too young to have a cellular phone it enables them to get into too much trouble, easy access to trouble. For example, what happened on the loud speaker.

T.

Wow!! You are in a bad situation. I would document everything!!! I would also only alow the girls to talk in front of you and on speaker. If you REALLY want to know what I would do...go to radio shack(not sure who sells this stuff, sure you can get it online)and buy the gadget that allows you to record and hook it up to a tape recorder w/out your girls knowing and record their conversations. You are the legal guardian and I THINK it is legal if at least one party knows the conversation is being recorded. Ok just read it is illegal in your state BUT if nobody knows at least you know what is going on and how to act. This way you can prove in court what is really going on because unfortunately this is where it's going to count. Be careful who you trust regarding his family...blood is thicker than water afterall. Good luck.

Confront your ex tell him if his girl keeps it up you will go to court and fight for sole custody on grounds she is mentally damaging the children.

D.,

I know exactly how you feel. My 12 year old just moved in with his father at the beginning of August. He also bought him a cell phone and my son told me it was so "I could call him anytime I want". Yeah right. The only difference in our stories is that his father has been a pain in my butt my sons whole life. I guess I should be greatful but I am not. I don't know if your ex pays child support but mine did and that is the only reason he wanted custody. He tried to fight me for custody when we divorced and didn't win. Now as far as the girlfriend goes...you don't even need to speak with her, she is not the kids parent, remember that. I have tried to get along with my exhusbands wife (which happens to be my exbestfriend who he cheated on me with and that is why we are no longer married) and this is the thanks I get...they took my son. I suggest not talking to her about anything. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand totally about taking the cell phone, I will not allow my son to bring his to my house.

A.