Sex After Baby... - San Clemente,CA

This is the part of parenting, especially the first time there's an actual baby, that is the least fun.

As to the pain: Go see your gynocologist. You would be surprised at what is available to help you.

As to your husband not stepping up: It's a huge transition. Crazy as it sounds, you had almost 10 more months to prepare than he did, so he is at the low end of the bell curve.

Communication is EVERYTHING right now. I don't want to make any assumptions, so I want to ask if you have actually sat down with him and said, "I need us to divide up responsibilities, so I don't feel overwhelmed. What are you willing to do?" Not arguing or complaining, but negotiating.

Last of all, quit waiting for permission to have an hour to yourself. He is the father, not the babysitter. So, give him his hour, then hand him the baby and LEAVE! Go for a walk, have a cup of coffee, go see a movie, or get your nails or hair done and actually feel like a girl again, instead of just a mom. You might be surprised at how much more you feel like having sex. Do this before you talk to him so he has a frame of referenc for how you feel and what you need.

So, in this order,

Go to the doctor
Leave him with the kids and take a minute or 3 hours (I vote hours) for you
Sit down and talk to him about what you need and what he needs
Pin him down on EXACTLY what he's willing to do
Hold him to it.

When he comes through "reward" him lavishly. If it still is uncomfortable for traditional "rewards", get creative. It's a pretty good motivator for ensuring a repeat of his support.

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Resentment and exhaustion are both MAJOR libido killers. Let me tell you, I have been there, sex suffered and our marriage suffered. We ended up going to counseling b/c I was just so pissed off at so many things, then that turned into guilt int having horrible sex (b/c I was NOT into it) and the cycle just continued. Really, just try and have open communication, get some resolution and work together to make some changes. Your sex life will improve as your relationship does. Does your church offer family counseling? It could really help! One thing that helped us, was Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue.

Doesn't sound like your sex drive is a problem, but the relationship with your husband.
You're not happy with his contribution to your life these days, so of course you don't want to have sex with him.

Start with your communication and marriage. The rest will come along.

Well it's hard to have any MOJO when your relationship is struggling with communication and respect. My husband and I still struggle with this and we greatly rely on our church and the groups we belong to. In order for you to meet each others needs you each ned to know what they are and to come up with a plan. Neither of you are bad, you just have some adjusting to do and it does not hurt to get outside help!
Good Luck!

Sounds like you do need a night out! I am not siding with your husband but now that he is the "breadwinner" I am sure there is a lot of pressure on him. Not that you didn't have it before but with a baby things escalate. Now there is another mouth to feed, ect. I am fortunate to work from home & stay with my kids too & some days I just want out of the house. When my husband gets home, he just wants to stay at home b/c he isn't here much due to working long hours. Do you have a fellow mom you could swap babysitting with? A massage or getting my hair done makes a BIG difference for me. Then maybe schedule a date nite. It doesn't have to be a night out on the town which is probably what you are after but make a special dinner & get a movie when the kids go to bed. Dress up & put make up on...might make you feel good too. Good luck! Hope you get your mojo back!

You can get your mojo back by addressing the cause of its disappearance. For me, after my 3rd son was born, my mojo took a flying leap. I didn't know what was wrong since I didn't do anything different than the previous times. However, it turned out that it was my birth control. Don't know why, but my body processed BC different than before. After 6 months of trying different pills and suffering through different side effects, I finally stopped taking BC pills and we switched to another form of BC. Don't know if that may contribute to your problem. It also sounds like you need to work out differences with your hubby. I know whenever I'm upset with my husband, I definitely don't feel in the mood. Do you have family who can watch the kids so you can go on a date? Or hire a babysitter? Maybe getting out and doing something together, without the kids, will help you to get back in touch as a couple and allow you to communicate and work together better. And it sounds like your husband is also feeling overwhelmed, so you also need to listen to his perspective. I don't know how long you've had guardianship of your 2 nieces, but that obviously wasn't part of your original plan, so maybe he's trying to figure his way through all of the changes also. Since you've already tried talking to him, maybe you need to see a counselor. Best wishes.

Sounds like you desperately need some "me" time. Ideally, he would get the message and help you establish that time. Until then, is there any way you can establish that time for yourself? Can you participate in a mother's day out? Have somewhere to go an hour after he comes home leaving him with all three children once a week? Join a mommy & me, a strollercise, a church/religious group which will give you some much needed fresh air and social interaction, if not relief from the kids?

Once your head gets in a better place, your libido, and feelings towards him may improve.

Good luck to you.

A baby changes a LOT about a relationship. You won't get your mojo back until you fix some things about your relationship and you're level of happiness with how things are in your home. Point this out to him!

Um yep sounds like you need to have a huge conversation on how things need to change a bit. Intimacy for women is tied with emmotion and you are not a happy Mama bear. Look at getting some counseling...In addition to a new baby guardianship of other children puts stress on any relationship. He obviously is stressed to but shows it in different ways.

Work on communication and an action plan as a team. Also, if you are experiencing physical pain make sure you see the dr about that because it shouldn't hurt. :(

Maca...nearly 100% of the time works.