Seeking Other Women Who Value Family

D.,

I think you are wrong to believe that he thinks it is all your fault. He may be afraid that the counselor is going to say it is HIS fault. If he won't do anything to help the situation by participating in counseling, you may have to take care of yourself. By staying with someone who won't work on the marriage you are taking an emotional beating. You deserve to be in relationships with people who think you are wonderful and value you as a person. Don't let someone make you doubt your self-worth. Keep up the couseling for yourself, but don't let him make you feel bad about yourself.

Good luck.
C.

The only thing I can say to this is, pray alot and remember in everything you do, you are setting an example and teaching your children every minute and every step of the way. Most important you need to do what is right for you and your family, which may NOT be staying in your relationship. Sometimes that is actually harder on the children than leaving. A child I know of a divorced couple grew up and said, the hardest thing about his parents divorce was hearing the news. From there, life got better. I am not a shrink, but I am a Christian and I value family more than anything! I wish you and your family the best.

D.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I really don't know what kind of advice to give you because I am not in the situation. I can say one thing, however, LOSE THE HOUSE - walk away! This is a huge stress on a family and you will probably still feel bad after doing it, but the burden will be lifted. There are so many people in your shoes right now (House) that landlords are being much more lenient, and you could probably rent for now. Totally downsize and remove all financial stress. It may seem drastic, but at least with all that stress gone, you could really look at your marriage. It still may not work if your husband isn't willing to work at it, but isn't your family worth taking the chance?
I am about your age and have 3 kids 6-16 and when we were going through a similiar situation we packed up and moved to another state - it is amazing all of the negative energy you can get from friends and family. Without that support system, we had to rely on each other. Plus, we were able to live so cheaply that money was no longer an issue. Your kids are at a tough age for this - but it may be something to consider.
Good Luck!

Hi D.,

I am so sorry to hear about all the loss you have experienced recently. I am sure the last thing you want is to loose the marriage. I am also sure you have been praying and seeking God's will and God's help in your decisions. You did not indicate if Peacemakers is helping you. I don't have a lot of advice because I have not been where you are but I have been through a divorce (no children involved). I had to learn that I could not change my X, only God can do that and because he did not seek after God, he did not change. I do want to let you know I will be praying for you. God will work in our lives if we trust and pray. Prayer should be the first resort not the last. Trust God, Focus on His will for your life and be strong WHERE EVER He leads you.

What I did was pray, try to be the best mom possible and let him go. God gives us a free will, thus, you cannot change your husband's. This was the hardest lesson for me to learn. It has been 13 years, I have remarried to the best husband and step-father ever. It was very hard to go through, but you can do it. Hang in there, know who you are in Christ, believe in the strength that is inside of you. This will be a learning time for you and your children to understand that you deserve (as do they) to be treated with respect and dignity. And you deserve happiness. I'll keep you in my prayers.

D., you are fully aware a relationship is a two way street. You can't go it alone. Not everyone is accepting of counseling and you can't make them. It is best to continue your meetings for yourself and your kids and let him go if that is what he is planning to do...you can't keep him if he doesn't want to be there. You may be causing your children more pain by prolonging this. I love family, but not all relationships last forever.

I'm sorry for your pain.

First of all... I am sorry for all your losses. That can take a major toll on the heart. Bless you!

You can't control what your husband does or doesn't do. You can only control what you do. I would continue to seek counseling and get yourself in a mentally and emotionally healthy place. I would also have your children talk to someone. Much as we would like to think they would open up to us, talking to someone "outside" of the problem gives them freedom to open up without thinking they are picking sides or hurting your feeling. Your children know there is a problem, even if you try to protect them. They are old enough to express how they feel and what they want. You might be suprised at what they want. I wanted my folks to divorce because I hated living in the tenion. My relationship didn't change with my parents, but the tenion was gone.This will let you focus on co-parenting with out the relationship stuff.

I hate to sound like you are in this alone, but if husband doesn't step up, you are. Do what is best for you and your children. The morgage and other stressors will work out too. Pray on it. God will guide you. Keep in touch, we are here for you, just type!

I don't have a fix all solution for you but I will pray for you. My husband and I volunteer on the local 'Weekend to Remember' team and I think it may be a good idea for the two of you to go this year. It's not one on one counseling, so he won't be turned off by that, and it's at the Hyatt Tamaya, in Bernalillo for three days... Feb 15-17th. For more information visit the ____@____.com/weekend or call their number 1800FLTODAY. Or if you would like to talk to me about it my home number is ###-###-#### or cell is ###-###-####.

You are in a very tough situation. Sounds like mid-life crisis for your husband. Don't brush off how impactful that can be. His mental state may be really confused with growing older, life changes, etc. It does take 2 to make a marriage and if both people aren't committed, the marriage really doesn't amount to much in just name. The environment and emotion around the house will impact the kids and sometimes that can be as harmful as splitting. You may want to take the kids and yourself to counseling to help you get a handle on things. Would your husband be willing to go to a non-Christian counselor? Try VERY hard to not make assumptions - I know that's not easy - but sometimes that can be more damaging than anything. There are a lot of good books out there you might check out - "Relationship Rescue"; "Love is a decision" ....

You have a noble spirit, D.. Here are two things that have helped me a great deal:

The first is the idea that, through Christ, all things will be made right, either in this life or the next.

The second is that charity never faileth. "Pray unto the father with all the energy of heart that ye may be filled with this love [charity]".

God bless you.

D.,

You are truly going through a very difficult time in your life. Even without the marriage trouble, you have a tremendous amount of stress, grief, and loss.

You can't make your husband go to counseling. Period. His not wanting to go to counseling has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. I believe that everyone CAN change, but they have to WANT to. I commend you for going to therapy for YOU. It is really important that you get yourself the help and support that you need. Go for you and your family.

I also commend you for trying to keep the family together. I truly hope that you and your husband are able to come together to try to make it work. You can't do all the work for him though. Keep in mind that high conflict parental relationships are bad, and sometimes worse for kids than for the relationship to end. If he is unwilling to even attempt to reconcile the relationship issues at this time, you may need to let him go.

I know there is a lot in this email. Some you probably didn't want to read. Please feel free to email me privately if you'd like.

You and your family are in my prayers!
E.

What I did was go to counseling on my own, and then put all my thoughts together with her on a way to talk to or approach my husband about what we needed to work on or how we were going to be. I felt between a rock and a hard place with the decisions because I have two little ones. I really had to put it before God to see what direction he wanted me to take. One huge thing that I learned is that people that are close to us like to blame us for their faults. It's easier to put blame on someone else than look at yourself to figure out life. I wish you the best of luck and if you need someone to talk to you can email me anytime.

I agree that the reason your husband doesn't want to go to counseling is not because of you, but because he's afraid that he'll be told he's the reason - or he's just afraid to admit he's embarrassed that he needs counseling -- or he's just too selfish to care about the "family". I also agree that he could be going through a mid-life crisis - especially with all the stresses you've had this last year. At the very least continue counseling for yourself & the kids. Coming from divorced parents, I can only tell you that your kids want you to be happy & they would rather you separate then stay and fight all the time. It is definitely not healthy to stay for the kids. I will pray for your family.

First of all, you need to ask yourself why you would even want to stay married to a man that doesn't want the relationship? The children are both old enough to know what is going on with their parents. Just staying in an unhealthy marriage is not good for the children. Be strong!!

Hi D.:
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is hard to make a marriage work when one party is unwilling to try. But, God is greater than anything or anyone. He knows of your husband's unwillingness to make the marriage work. You must completely commit your marriage and this situation to God and daily pray for God to soften your husband's heart. And to make him what God wants him to be for you and the children. Stand on God's word and do what God wants you to do to make the marriage work. God hates divorce and he certainly doesn't want your marriage to end. Draw all your strength from the Lord. He is the only solid thing we have in our life. I will pray for you,

I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you!

D., I am sorry you are going through this. My husband was the same when my last child was born, she's now 2 1/2. He went because the hospital would not release me until he agreed because we had trouble with the delivery and they felt I needed support. He went one time, and told me he would never go back. What about a separation? Your kids are old enough and I would guess in the long run would understand that this was the best option, because unhappy parents are worse than divorced ones. Talk to him about what his expectations are, and maybe ask him to pick a counselor. Then it's on his turf. :) Good luck!!

In all honesty if you are the only one whos is trying to get help, I dont feel that it will work. You both have to be willing to save the marrage, but I would stick with the counceling because it will be good for you. And in my opinion a family that stays together doesn't stop the destruction that can come from someone who is seriously unhappy with themselves or their relationship. I have also found that a lot of times, the people who dont want to go to counceiling are the ones that are afraid they will be blamed for all of the problems with in the marriage, so dont jump to the conclusion that he thinks it is your fault because he wont go the session. Good luck and hang in there.