Marriage Going down Hill...

I would suggest counseling - either he goes and talks to someone alone to work his feelings/issues or you go together. I'm a big believer in counseling and get a third party to help out. I think it will help me owrk out his feeling snad emotions and what is really going on.

Good Luck!

Hey B.!

Well..let me first start out by saying the men sometimes get comfortable in their marriages and forget they still need to take care of themselves and make their wives feel important. Also, the fact that he is not taking care of himself sounds like maybe he is a little depressed..Is there something that has recently happened in his life. You said you are 29 and he is 14yrs older than you so that makes him 44/45. He might be going through something since he has hit midlife. I don't agree staying to together for the child if he drinking all the time. Is he drinking when you are at school??

Please go to marriage counseling. It really haleped us. And we decided to do it again if the need ever arises. Really, it is worth a shot. Breaking up a marriage, child or not, is very traumatic and if the marriage can be saved and most likely can be made better, then why not? All you lose is time and money and believe me, you'll lose a lot more time and money if you get a divorce. Not to mention you have a child and if you can work things out, it would be best for her. Counselors have a way of helping people remember why they fell in-love with each other and how to maintain that. Marriages have ups and downs and it's important to get help as soon as a down starts in order to get things back on track. Good luck from the bottom of my heart

What you're describing in your husband sounds like classic depression (drinking, lack of personal hygiene, etc.). He needs professional help. Maybe you could ask him to talk to a counselor or clergy. Depression hurts everyone in the home - even your daughter. It is totally treatable. It just takes time and perseverance. My husband suffered from depression, too. I kept encouraging him to get help, but he didn't until I finally drove him to see our minister. Turns out years before our minister had been treated for depression, so he referred him to his doctor/therapist. He got on medication for a while but eventually things got much better. It was a tough time for us, but I'm glad he got help. Good luck.

My advice to you is to read, read, read. We, as mothers, tend to put our children before our husbands needs as we figure out how to raise the beautiful blessing that we have given birth to. Many times, our unintentional neglect leads to depression in our husbands. We have to understand that our husbands have certain needs that we need to meet for him to be lifted up. The first book I would recommend reading is the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book shows you how to identify your husbands "love language" and to express your love in that language. If you express love in a way your spouse does not understand, he won't realize you have expressed your love. Another book is I would recommend is "Building your Mates Self Esteem" by Dennis Rainey. Both of these books are faith based and, in my opinion, faith is the only thing that can cure an ailing marriage. Another reasource is daily tips from the website www.the-generous-wife.com. This website will give you little tips that you can do to let your husband know he is not forgotten. Some of them are silly, some of them are serious, but all of them are heartfelt and you can pick and choose which ones will work for your husband. Whatever you do, don't give up on him. He needs you more now then ever and he needs you to be strong and bring him out of his funk. A book you can wrap up for him is called "Wild at Heart". It is a wonderful book that will renew his passions, dreams, and desires. Good luck!

If you love your husband and know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves you, then it is well worth working on keeping it together. I don't know if you pray but that would be the first thing to do. Ask God to guide you through these difficult times and believe me, He will do just that. There are a lot of divorces anymore and it's sad. But I believe that marriages work and it's like anything else, it takes work. Don't worry about who's coming to who first. Just keep focused on building a strong foundation around your child. I am married and my marriage was almost destroyed but I knew that I wanted my marriage to last just as we both took those vows before God. And I can honestly say that we are still together. We are not only husband and wife but we are best of friends and I have God to thank and only Him.

I think seeing a counselor is a great idea if you are both open to it. Another thing that might help I just saw in a movie. The movie is called Fireproof and it is all about a marriage that is heading for divorce with a couple that is disconnected. In the movie it talks about a book called the "Love Dare." I was listening on the radio just yesterday and they were saying that it is a real book that they highly suggest all couples do, not just ones who are having difficulties. Maybe you could get the book and try it. It is a 40 day challenge to truly love your spouse and it dares you to do things for them. I hope everything works out for you.

B.,

I agree with a few other posts that have suggested that your husband might be going through a little depression. I don't know your religious background, but I would highly recommend a few books that have helped my marriage:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Love and Respect by Dr Emerson
The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian

Counseling is also a good suggestion. Ask your church if they offer it or if they can recommend someone.

I'll be praying for you

Liz

You husband should see his doctor right away. He is exhibiting all the signs of clinical depression. This is not just a matter of being "in a funk"--he may have a chemical imbalance that needs medication to regulate, as well as talk therapy to help with his moods. And please realize his behavior is not caused by you or your lifestyle. Depression is a medical condition that can be treated with therapy and medication.

Hey B., I'm D.. I don't feel quite qualified to respond, however rarely look at the posts except if someone is complaining of eczema bcuz I know what's helped my kid. But I couldn't help but wanting to just encourage you to hang in there and seek counseling -- pastoral if you're into it -- or save the time and tell him you want your husband back and pray & encourage him back to the best u can, professional help might b what he needs but that's an awesome start. Sounds like he's depressed and would probably love to b the man u fell 4 and probably sees your beauty & youth and feels inadequate as his is fading, like what's the use.
Can you sit him down to a nice informal dinner after lil girl's sleep & say how u feel & listen, maybe he needs attention? I hope u make it to the help you need & get your hubby back

My marriage was seemed to being going downhill a bit after my first son was born. But amazingly after my 2nd was born it has been going better. I don't think at all that it is having 2 kids. I realized after having my 2nd that previously my 1st was the center of our life. That is not how it is supposed to be. Yes children are wonderful and special and fun, but your marriage is the foundation of your family. The kids come and grow and go. But, the husband and wife are there together hopefully forever.

When I had my 1st I treated him as the most important thing. When my 2nd was born the first few weeks I almost treated her as an intruder. She was taking me away from time with my son. How ridiculous that was. Fortunately I realized then how crazy it was. If a child is treated like they are the center of the family, what will they learn? I think it would just breed selfishness.

Your husband probably loves your daughter as much as you do, but he needs your attention too. I know it will he hard, but simple things like when you are talking to him and she starts talking.. either stop to tell her you are talking to daddy and will listen when you are done, or just wait until you are done to acknowledge her speaking. It sounds a tiny bit harsh? but it's just as important for your husband's ego to realize that he is your #1, and she is a close 2nd.

Also, go out on some dates. You and him, out of the house and don't even talk about your daughter or kid related stuff. Talk about politics, or work, or personal thoughts. Have a conversation you would have had before you had her. That has been the greatest way to reconnect with my husband, we both adore our kids, but we need adult conversation.
One other thing, I often go out of my way to make sure my kids are content. Serving them when I can. I realize when I occasionally do something simple but out of my way for my husband things go better.

Best of luck.

Hi B..
Wow, you know, I have been going through similar things with my husband. I have a lot to say and I am not sure all of this will come out. Let me get started.
First off, I have been married for 15 years. In January we will be together 17 years. I am 35 and he is 37. We have 4 children and our relationship started when he was in the Navy. We got to travel and change places for 6-1/2 years. When the moving stopped we had to deal with that for our marriage (I am from Michigan and we live in Virginia near his family. I do not have any family here). Of course, 4 children can put a damper on things. My husband also likes his beer. No hygeine issues with him. I am a stay-at-home-mom and have dealt with clinical depression and post-partum depression. My hygeine has, at times, been a problem. His physical fitness has been an issue with me. (Sorry if I bounce around on my thoughts, but please be patient.) A couple years ago, we had a night out and drank too much. Things got aggressive (he did not hit me, but his words clung to my heart. I have disrespected him with credit card debt that he did not know about. We have been struggling much with trust, respect, romance, finances, intimacy (I had things happen when I was a child that do not allow me to have good thoughts about sex), and what ever else you can throw at a marriage. I think I am the bigger problem than he is. However, my faith in Christ is very, very strong. I know that God gave me my husband as a gift. Due to circumstances of distance and time, He is the only way we got together. Now, as I said, he was given to me as a gift. Gifts for us are just like toys for children. When we play with them and use them, we enjoy them. When sit them in a corner and look at them knowing that one day we will pick them up again, they collect dust. I am cleaning my house. I don't mean my physical house. I am cleaning my heart, mind, and spirit of all the junk and lies that have built up over the years. I did not come from a loving home and I am not affectionate towards my husband. He is extremely affectionate. When I can't give him what he needs, he feels rejected, then comes suspicion and jealousy of everything else (friends, kids, my time, period).
We have been going to church, and are reading our bibles again. He has lost a taste for beer. Amen and hallelujah to that. We are working through this together. I will not give up on someone that I know is my best friend. We were the perfect couple. Everywhere we went, people would stare. I could see in their eyes that they envied us. We will get that back. You know what you and your husband had. It is up to you and him to hold onto that. I will pray for you. God is our Counselor.

You are a busy Mother. If work and the baby are taking all your time, perhaps your husband is feeling left out or feeling that he is at the bottom of your "to do " list. This is never a good thing for a marriage relationship. My husband and I made the mistake of putting our children before our own needs as a couple. This actually hurt the children in the long run. Get a good sitter and go out on a date once a week. Perhaps your hubby will clean up for a date. If he is suffering depression for other reasons, perhaps he should see a doctor. Is he suffering mid-life crisis? AF

Hi B.,
My husband and I went through many ups and downs. I'm a counselor myself and we saw a great counselor for ourselves. It was the best thing we did for our relationship. There are going to be things that will come out in counseling that you didn't even realize were issues (and that's a good thing). If you do go to a counselor go to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists aamft.org to find a counselor in your area. Something to be careful of in just picking someone "out of the phone book" so to speak is that there are many counselors out there, but it doesn't mean they're good at what they do or even work with couples effectively. The AAMFT has a great list of counselor's that specialize in this type of counseling. Don't sell yourself short, you're too young to be miserable in your marriage and be okay with it. You obviously care enough about him and your daughter to look somewhere for help. Good luck!!

Hi B.,
Well it looks like a lot of people are already saying the kinds of things that I would say... but to add to the discussion I would say that counseling has helped my family (including my extended family) a lot. And you're right, sometimes it is cheesy -- unless you find a great therapist.

My therapist told me once that books and coursework are great for an intellectual understanding of the issues, and counseling sessions (alone or with your spouse) are great for the emotional part of it. It's a great place to release pent up emotion and to talk with someone who is not a part of your every day life, but who is there just for you, to listen and help. If you don't find someone you like right away then keep trying. There are just as many different types of counselors as there are doctors, and you need to find a good fit.

What you are describing with your husband sounds like symptoms of mental illness. When people stop caring for themselves (such as ceasing a normal showering routine) that is a big sign. He is likely self medicating with alcohol. If he is unwilling to get help right now, then you can get some help and support for yourself.

I understand why you'd feel like maybe throwing in the towel, (especially if you feel disgusted with him- which is a very admirably honest admission of your feelings) but if you get the help you need things CAN and WILL get better, and you two will be closer in the long run because you've been through this together.

Feelings come and go... they change and evolve. Together (if you put the work into it) you can get back to a place where he is more attractive to you again. It will also show your child that when things get tough (as they always do), mom and dad work hard to work it out.

Sharing a good spiritual foundation is great too, as others have mentioned. But as we know, a spiritual journey is a very personal endeavor... one that often progresses when we face trouble and trauma in life. This might be a good opportunity to meditate on your beliefs in that regard. It can help us a great deal in times like this when we choose our beliefs wisely.

Regardless of the path you choose, I wish you much love and success in your effort to heal your marriage. With a little time, the right kind of help, and a whole lot of patience, you can do it.

take care,
A.

B.,you are young and do not realize that a man when he gets older is still trying to find where he fits in your life after the baby. As you have admitted you are centered on your child, that makes him take a back sit where as before he had all your attention. It is normal that a man regresses for awhile and wants your assurance. I would recommend two books, Five Love Languages(author ?) and The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormy Omartian. And to be blunt, his sexuality is very important and you have chosen to give him none, it is one of most important aspects in his life, along with work and admiration. If you are not affirming him in any way; as small as appreciating his part in having your child and providing for you then you are missing the boat. Let him know how you feel and ask if you can plan to be together, remember all the sexy, attractive things you did before and then ask if he would be willing to take care of himself for you and you will have a romantic evening to rekindle your marriage. Someone has to give and we as women are the care takers, the help mate that GOD provided. Please pray and ask GOD to be in the center of your marriage and make it all it needs to be. In the long run you will be setting a stage of peace, love , joy and kindness etc. for you own daughter to model for her marriage. I pray that you will find a renewed hope for you both.

give counseling a try. You might be open and aware of what's going on, but a good counselor can give you the tools to help you fix it. It sounds like your husband might be suffering from depression, is that a possibility? If so, a counselor might help him realize it and get some help for it.
Good luck to you.
Been there - done that.

Hi B.,

I'd like to suggest that you take your husband to see the movie Fireproof. It's a really good movie for couples who may be having trouble (and even for couples who aren't). The acting isn't that great, but the story is awesome! Also, I'd like to invite you & your husband to London Bridge Baptist Church on Potters Rd. My husband & I are in a great small group on Sunday mornings @ 9:15 in Rm A107.

I have been thru some really tough times myself since my 2 yo was born and I can honestly say that prayer & quiet time with God is the answer.

I think your husband might be dealing with depression. It would certainly be a good idea to see a counselor!

#1 He could be depressed and need medication and counseling
#2 Call Marriage Encounter and go away for the weekend with one of their seminars
# plan a date night and ask him to clean up before you go- your treat!

My heart goes out to you. That has to be tough and it's hard to give advice regarding others' marriages. However, I have often heard that kids can make a drastic change in a marriage after having been good for so long...I wouldn't know the 'change' because I jumped into marriage with a man that provided me two step-kids off the bat. It was definitely not the marriage I had dreamed of at first - and had tons of issues....and I blamed myself, the kids, him, etc....I later found out that part of the problem was he felt he was becoming agoraphobic. We used to have date nights, go to festivals, watch movies and cuddle, but as soon as I got married to him, he never wanted to leave the house! I was very social and still young (30 here too). I wanted to live life with my new husband and felt that I was becoming an old recluse and all he did was play on the computer. I couldn't understand it....but after many fights, I just decided to live life regardless of what he did and I started hanging out with the kids, doing fun things with them and stopped hanging out on the couch waiting for him to go with us. He finally admitted to me that he felt like he was agoraphobic, and since that came out into the open, and I embraced the idea with understanding, he has made quite an effort to come up with ideas we can do together (and now feels more included in the fun). He has been almost like the man he was before our wedding day.
Kids always throw something into the mix, but it sounds like your husband may be too young for a mid-life crisis and should seek some counseling (can't be too cheesy if it works!). There could be some underlying issues there.
Also - some men are jealous of the bond that the mother has with a child. This could cause some resentment from him (but not your fault!).....either because your attention went from him to your child, or because the child has a deeper connection to you than to him...either way he may feel left out. Along with the old adage that you should smile and then will feel happy, try acting out love for him, even if you don't feel it, and then maybe you will start actually loving him again, or at least he will start to feel loved; just like in dating - the more you push the more they pull, but if someone gives in, no one is left on the other side of the rope. It takes two to play tug of war, but if one person lets go, then it's up to the other person to make a change. No one person can change another, but one step at a time can truly make a difference. I hope this helps and please give us an update in the future. I will keep you in my prayers.

I have been married for 33 years. It sounds as if he is suffering from depression. Perhaps he should see someone.

Do you two attend church?

From my experience, when life really looks bleak, it helps me to focus on something else. I pray, attend church and make time to exercise.

I know it is difficult when you have a three year old. Believe me, you must find time for your self. Start out with just 30 minutes a day for you. (when the child is sleep)

I hope this helps. Please know you are not alone.

Dear B.,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Keep in mind that your family(you, your hubby, and child) is, and should be, the number one priority on your busy TO DO LIST right now. If you don't fight to keep your family together, then you may have to face the possibility of being another sad, divorce statistic. If you or your husband has not found a way to solve your issues, then counseling is absolutely necessary. Why is going to a trained professional cheesy? They deal with couples issues like these all the time. If you have the means to go, then why not take advantage of it? Does your family attend a church? If you are not religious, then try going to a professional counselor. It seems like your husband needs to deal with the problems that is causing him to be depressed. He cannot be a good father/husband if he does not heal himself first. Be as patient as possible. You will have to be the one that is stronger for the whole family for now. You never know what life hands you. You may need him to be stronger one for the family one day. Marriage is not as easy as pie. It is a commitment that you have to continuously maintain. Remember, nothing in life that comes that easily is ever valuable. I hope that you and your family becomes even stronger after this tough time.

I hope this helps you in some way. God bless, and take care.

Hi B.- I feel for you, and I had a friend suffering something similar with her husband, who happened to be 20 years older than her. After the birth of their daughter, he slowly started falling apart- he refused to get out of bed, got fired from his job, and began to ignore personal hygiene, eating well, etc. It was killing my friend, because here she is with a new baby and a crazy husband. SHe finally forced him to see a doctor (psychiatrist) and it made a WORLD of difference. Turns out he was suffering from depression brought on by his age and his internal feelings that he was too old to be a dad, that he was going to be "old" by the time his wife and child are needing him most, etc, and the constant thoughts drove him to depression, drinking, etc. Your husband has many, many of the same symptoms, and he needs help fast. Neglecting personal hygiene is a HUGE red flag that something psychological is going on. Seeing a counselor is NOT cheesy. Everyone reacts to the birth of children and other life events differently, and it seems like he's having a hard time and he needs help. Good luck!

B.,

I have not read all the replies you have gotten but as soon as I read your post I felt the need to respond.

A counselor is not a cheesy idea. I would also recomend that you and your husband both talk to your family Doctor about depression, from what you say your husband has all the classic signs left untreated deprssion can ruin his life,your life and your daughters life.

My husband and I were seperated for 2 years, we have been reconciled for 4 years now and married a total of 14.5 years. While we were seperated he became physically violent and verbaly abusive. With the help of indvidual counseling, and marriage couneseling. He was diagnosied with severe depression. Meds and thereapy have helped him to return to the man I loved in the begining.

I am a talker and talked non stop about everything, I thought he did too until we went to counseling and found out that he felt like even when we talked it was never about the real problem.

Good Luck
A.

Hi,
I admire your frankness and honesty. Good for both of you being committed to your daughter and family. It sounds like your husband may be depressed. I definitely think counseling is the way to go. If you find a good counselor, they should give you things to do to get the marriage back on track.
I'll be praying for you. Good luck!

Your husband sounds depressed.

He needs competent medical care and you both need counseling. Counseling is not cheesy. You say you have good communication, but you have no feeling for your husband and he is depressed. Your lack of feeling for him may be depression too.

Counselors often see the roots of problems far more clearly than the people in the middle of the problems.

Try counseling but I feel that staying in a broken marriage will do more harm than good for your daughter. Maybe your husband needs to see a doctor about possibly depression??? Counseling but make a plan to separate. Think of your daughter.

If you live near Owings Mills I have the name of a great counselor. If you live elsewhere I might know people anyway. I am a divorce attorney and I think it is great that you are trying to make it work, but I will tell you that without counseling, your marriage will probably continue to deteriorate and you would rather your child see two haappy separate parents than two miserable parents together. Keep in mind that you are her role models, and if she grows up seeing you miserable together, she will think that is the relationship she needs to attain.

I suggest getting You and Your husband time. Bring your daughter to childcare or something once a week and go out. Me and my husband have been together for a long time also. When my daughter was smaller we realized we were going apart. He was making me mad because he didn't do thing just like i did with my daughter and worked alot. He started to let himself go because he didn't realize i cared. So we started spending more time together it showed i cared AND when my daughter wasn't around we could talk about what we liked and didn't like about what was going on.
Also We're used email to the max. If there is something going on in my life I'm not fond of. I'll send him an email before bedtime. He gets up before me and leaves so he can read it before work and than spend all day thinking about it. By the time he's back home to me he's thought about it and gotten his opinion about it. He can choose to change it or talk to me about it but since it's been all day he's not mad or frustrated and we can talk honestly about whatever it is. It works great. If you can't get time alone with out your daughter plan and evening on the weekend night. EVERY weekend night to spend together. Movies or eat dinner alone or something It will work out if you really want to be together. Staying together for the children or even if you don't believe splitting isn't enough. What is the purpose if your not happy or your making a sad home for your daughter.

I suppose my 3 years of marriage may make me unqualified to respond but I do know a few simple thoughts. Coming from a divorced family and through studies I've read I know that what the children first of all want to know is that their parents love each other even more than their parents love them. I do think that children CAN put a strain on a relationship. Especially if you have lived so happily for 15 years and then introduce children to the mix. It's not a bad thing, but it is different.

My favorite book on the subject is 5 Love Langauges by Gary Chapman www.fivelovelangauges.com. It was really beneficial when we first got married. We had a LOT to learn.

I agree with what some of the other responders have said. Receiving guidance from a netrual, safe counselor can help us see our situations through a different perspective. I also think that showing affection or love "in that persons love language" is really important. Think about the things you did when you were in love. Why do anything different? It may not be an easy road back, but we all know it's worth it.

B.: You have my sympathy and I hope you can get thru this. Is there a history of depression in your husband's family? It sounds like he might be clinically depressed, something he won't get past without medical intervention. Will he go to the doctor with you and be honest about what is happening? And the drinking will only make the depression worse. Have you suggested counseling for the two of you? It would really help, even if you end up going alone. Again, good luck and I hope you make it thru this.

S.

Your parents stayed together thru good times and bad and believe meIi am sure there were bad times, ask them. It really sounds like he is depressed and a good counselor sounds like a great first step. Marriage is a lot of work and you have to be willing to put in lots of effort to keep it going. Sometimes you can feel like you are putting in 110% and he is putting in 0%, but that is why it is a marriage. It appears that more is going on than you write about, but going to a counselor is not cheesy. Think about your actions over the past few years..have you neglected his needs because of your child? Have you been too busy for him? I am not blaming you, but as a woman who had her husband leave her with 5 small children, I have done lots of thinking about relationships. We as women must be honest about ourselves and our behaviors before the men will even consider thinking about themselves. Women are definitely stronger than men and you cannot forget that. Men may be physically stronger, but we as women are much stronger emotionally. I do hope you can work things out.

About me: SAHM, 4 boys ages 21-16, 1 girl 14, remarried to wonderful man for 5 years!

Seeing a conselor is not cheesy. It is the smart thing to do for your marraige and your child. Sounds like your husband is depressed and may also need his own individual conselor.

Your post initially reminded me of something I read in a couples book (I don't remember the name, or I'd recommend it). It said to weekly, come up with 5 good things to say about your spouse. Each of you should do it, and then say those 5 things throughout the day, every day, for the whole week. After one month, use the 20-25 that you've come up with for the next month and mix and match that time. No repeats. That's to help you vocalize your appreciation for each other. Another thing I thought was that going to a counsellor might help, but I'd explain the situation and talk to the counsellor. It seems to me that you still care about each other and your daughter. Counsellors can give you ideas of things to do together. Or you might be able to find some good ideas by searching online. It would just give you a starting point. From experience, if you do those, don't try to force intimacy. Complimenting, holding hands, and becoming friends again will lead to intimacy eventually. When my husband and I tried to force it, neither of us liked it and it made us seem more distant. But when we focused on our friendship and our child, we kind of fell in love again. It's still work, but we're much better off than we were, and we believe our children will be too.

If his behavior has changed suddenly, over the last 6-8 months, maybe a year and this it wasn't like this before, he used to shower and take care of himself, you should have him see a doctor. It could be depression, but it could be a neurological disorder that sometimes happens, mainly in men and is treatable, but they lose the drive to live, usually are not suicidal, but don't take care of themselves well and lose interest in things they once liked, sex being one of them, but other things as well.

Good Luck!!

Sounds like he has depression bigtime. That you are the opposite is probably a large part of what he found attractive in you at the beginning.

Seeing a counselor would be far from cheesy, but would be smart. You owe it to your daughter to get help before ripping her family apart.

B.,

You and your husband definitely need to seek counseling. It doesn't sound chessy b/c it sounds like he is suffering from some type of depression; I don't remember you stated if he worked or if things at work at turing sour with the current state of the economy perhaps it would help to find out what is causing the drinking and not bathing. Help yourself by helping your marriage; sometimes working part time and going to school can lv the other spouse lonely and hence they b/c depressed. So, do what you can to bring the spark back and that age thing should not even be a problem if the spice is still in the relationship. Good luch and God Bless!

men don't handle the day to day as well as women... from childhood we have bee groomed with strollers, cabbage patch dolls, and little tikes kitchens. they have not. so the mundane of work and family get to them. get a babysitter for the weekend. with the economy you are probably thinking you can't afford it, but your marriage can't afford for you not to. go skiing or something...no laptops...and no cell phones other than to check on the baby once each evening. men need a break from reality, and to be quite honest, so do we. we just try to be marters and deny ourselves the spice of life... don't!

I think you should encourage him to have a physical. He could have a thyroid issue, low testosterone, or depression.

Then I think if everything is ruled out, you would both benefit from marital therapy.

Maybe you could do a physical too, just to support him.
He could have an undiagnosed health issue- if this is not the same man you married.

Also, some men do get a male version of post partum depression. He could have gotten depression after the baby was born and often can be treated by light antidepressants or therapy.
Good luck and try to make it work for her and you two.

ALso, maybe instead of making the daughter your whole lives, make each other your lives and she is the wonderful addition who enhances that. I think it is healthier for the child to see a happy in love set of parents than to be the center of your world. This helps everyone now and especially later.

I have two lovely dds but realized that it is my husband that I will be with long after the girls have moved on to friends, college, and out of the "nest." I have to keep our relationship nurtured and by us taking care of each other, she will learn what love is and how to take care of people and herself.

B.,

I just wanted to say.. I am in the same boat. And so are many others that I know. I have been married for 19 years and feel like the connection is gone. Is it the world right now and all the turmoil and negative things constantly around us. I too refuse to give up. Marriage is a commitment/contract though the good and the bad. I feel that god makes love and marriage and the devil destroys it. We are in the not so good stage. I know marriage is hard work. When my husband and I hit 7 years we really had a HARD time. On the verge of splitting up. I think 6/7 year is very hard for everyone. We did go to see a professional individually and together. We were even told too much damage has been done and that we should just call it quits by the professional. Then we went to a couples workshop for the weekend and it was great, it really helped us. www.familylife.com, they are christain based)
I am RECENTLY finding myself not having much intrest in him anymore. no LIBIDO ! We have been together so long that I dont even know what to talk to him about anymore. HE knows my thoughts before I do. I still am madly in love but feel like the connection is missing again. HANG IN THERE.

Sounds like counseling wouldn't hurt. Although, has your husband seen a doctor for himself? It sounds like there are issues going on with him, that maybe if he seeks out help, it will help all the way around as well. Sounds as if he may even be depressed. If he hasn't seen a doctor, I would suggest that...and see where that leads the two of you. Counseling would not hurt though.
K.

Dear B.- PLEASE READ THIS NOW!!!!!!!!

I agree with portions of what each person who has responded before me has said. I am the Deputy Chief of a Mental Health Organization and it appears that your husband is clinically depressed and has started drinking to ease the emotional pain. First and foremost, I would seek help from a caring psychiatrist (I'm sure the people on Mamasource can help you find one in your area). He will need some help with medications for awhile along with some good therapy before things will begin to improve both for him and for your relationship.

The most important advice I can give you is, DO NOT KICK HIM OUT. This is NOT a time for tough love. The man is ill and needs help, not someone throwing him out on the street. Often, this may lead to more drastic actions such as a suicide attempt (sorry, but I'm just statng the facts). I know this is a very difficult time for you but this man should have been in treatment long ago and it may take some intervention by you and family members to get him there. He may need to be hospitalized for a week or two before he gets stabilized and can come home with a good outpatient plan.

I will be thinking of you and please feel free to stay in touch.

Diane

I have to agree with the other wonderful and wise mamas. Sounds like he's depressed. Needs a good, thorough check up at the dr (to make sure there's nothing physically wrong like thyroid) and then some talk with a therapist.

Another site you may find useful is www.thelovedare.com. Gives a hint of information about the book and how to give your marriage a healthy dose of communication and caring.

Marriage is tough and not for the faint of heart. Your avoidance could be a part of his depression; not the catalyst, but part of what keeps him there.

Good luck and God bless.

Since you're both determined to stay together (very admirable) I would suggest giving The Love Dare a try. It is the book featured in the movie Fireproof(go see it if you get the chance),and it's a 40 day challenge to not only learn unconditional love for your spouse, but to better yourself as well.
You can find the book at most retailers, including WalMart it was #1 on the New York times Best Seller List this month and it was written by Alex and Stephan Kendrick. I hope the journey brings you both out more in love than ever.
I also would push for counseling. Sometimes we don't know why we're depressed and need alittle help. It definately sounds like your husband is suffering from some major depression which isn't healthy for anyone - especially your daughter.
Best Wishes and may god Bless your family
- B.

Hi B.,
It sounds like your hubby may be in a state of depression. Especially given the hygene issue. I think a counselor would be helpful for you. How you get him there, I don't know.
Each of the other posts have good points. How long has it been since ya'll went on a date? Bought him something special just because you saw it and thought he'd like it? It could be that he's feeling the same type of feelings, but doesn't want to bring it up. Think of something that you would like him to do or surprise you with, and do something similar for him.
Good luck.
M.

B. - I'm sorry to hear this - let me ask you a question first - does he suffer from depression? It sounds like it (and I just read through some of the other responses - it sounds like others agree its depression too - and I agree about counseling - do you think he'd be willing to go?) - and between us (and the rest of the women here - lol) it could be a mid life crisis - sort of backwards - he sees you as young and vibrant and in the prime of your life while he is reaching quickly toward 50 - my husband is 46 - and obviously 50 is just around the corner. Have you actually sat down and asked him what was going on instead of ignoring the situation hoping it will get better. Its really hard for me to talk to my hubby to - so sometimes when the words won't come I write - email or text so I know he will see it.
when you married you said for better or for worse - I know you didn't imagine this worse - but you both sound committed to your marriage and your daughter so why not try to figure out what is in his head rather than just letting every day go by and watching him slip further and further away.
when you talk to him do it from a loving place - not a place of anger and pointing the finger or he will retreat even further from you - go to him in love - see him as the man you fell in love with and married - see him as your daughters father and the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
What made you fall in love in the first place?
Make him your priority for a while - I know its hard with a little one around - but it can be simple things - like recognizing that he's home when he gets home, or speaking to him first when he walks in a room or you walk in where he is - show him that you are still in this marriage.
If you are like me you are screaming inside that this shouldn't be all on you - and you are absolutely right - it should be a two way street BUT the question is - someone has to go first - are you willing to humble yourself and go first or are you willing to continue down this road of distruction and misery?
Blessings - you will be in my prayers this week as I think about your and your husband and your beautiful daughter.

Hi,
Seeking help from a professional outside party may be just what you need. Knowing what the problem is and solving it are two different things.

A marriage and family counselor or couples couselor could give you ideas on how to address your concerns. You may get some referals from your MD. Social Workers also do this counseling. Speaking to someone trained and familiar w/ communication problems could only help!

Good luck.
A.

Hi B.,

I agree with the other mom who suggested that your husband may be in a state of depression. It certainly sounds like it and he is exhibiting many of the signs. I think counseling is a wonderful idea - particularly if your husband is open to it. I don't think there is anything cheesy about wanting to save your marriage. Having a helpful, professional and objective person to discuss both of your issues/concerns/problems in a safe environment may be what you both need. I would suggest bringing the subject up to him (if you haven't already) and hopefully he will be on board. I know firsthand the changes a new baby brings to a marriage. It is a big adjustment but I believe you can get through this together - if you both really want to.

Blessings to you and your family.

Wow, I'm so glad to see you have so many wonderful responses. I don't have time right now to read through all of them, but I do want to wish you luck.

Dig down deep inside and think about what attracted you to your husband back when you met him. Think about the activities you enjoyed, about the things you shared. Once he has had his physical and you know if it is a chemical imbalance, see what you can do to jump start things...

Plan an outing once a week or once every other week. Go, even if you don't feel like it. Force yourself to make the effort. Kindly ask him if he could shave because you really want the outing to be special. Dress nicely, but not over the top so he doesn't feel bad. Point out a shirt that you think he looks particularly good in. Tell him you think he looks good in it and you'd love it if he wore it. Plan a few topics to discuss so the air isn't stale and forced. Talk about your daughter and your thoughts on what she is learning or concerns you have or things you are proud of about her. Those are usually things that make for easy and fun converstation, especially since you said you both feel the same about her being such an important part of your life.

Try not to attack him, try to promote having some pleasant time together for a few outings before you try to address the issues. If you are having trouble with your relationship, you may not be in a position to handle the issues without some assistance.

Ask him who he admires. Who does he look up to? Who was the biggest influence in his life? Which relative did he care for the most and why? Help him focus on some happy, positive thoughts.

I think you have a tough road ahead of you and I hope you are able to endure it and make it back to a happy relationship. Just keep in mind, this affects your daughter too... even if you don't see it yet. THey are smart and they are affected by their environment. This is her environment.

Take care and the best of luck to you. I think asking God for help and seeking the help of clergy can be a powerful thing.

Liz

Hi B.,
The other mamas on right about the depression part, but, he may also be having some mid-life experiences too. Counseling/therapy would be a good place to start, they may be able to recommend a good medication for his doctor to prescribe. Drinking only makes it worse because it is a depressent. If he knows things are not right too, you are way closer to getting this resolved then I am with my husband. It also means that it's pretty severe. It sounds like you both may be having trouble accepting that this is not something you can fix yourselves. Having experienced the mental health community from both sides, I can say this is by far the most difficult barrier for society to over come. Our Brains are magnificant organs but they are a body organ like all others. Emotions and thoughts are generated from this organ, humans have a great deal of control over this but not TOTAL control. If you were having chest pain, you would go to a doctor and learn your having trouble with your heart, medicine will help you feel better. Your brain works physiologically the same way.
I spent years and years depressed, listening to my mother tell me to "just snap out of it". Well, it's not that easy, when you are depressed, you can feel like your standing at the bottom of a dark well with no chance of getting into the light. When i started on medication, it took a week but i woke up one day and i was in the light. It made a believer out of my mother.
If your husband has not been blaming you or anyone else for his pain, then he's ready to learn that he feels this way because of a biochemical in balance in his brain--good news is it can be treated. You may have to make the appointments and drag him there but, it WILL be worth it. If you two have been together for this long, your relationship deserves the chance at this.
Call your primary doctor, or even your OB to get the names of some mental health practioners in your area. If they can't help you, your insurance company may be able to refer you to a group that can. If you have to call it marraige counseling to get him there then do that.
Good luck.

B., your husband sounds depressed. Not just down in the dumps but depressed as in medical terms. He has every symptom. It's something they can not help. It's a chemical embalance. It's when your body produce to much or not enough fluid in your brain. Over time, it changes a person altogether. With medication it reverses it. Someone very dear to me has depression (also in my family)and every thing you told me about your husband sounds just like my friend & family. Once my friend got medication, they were brand new again. It didn't happen over night but it did happen quickly. Later down the road she had to change up the medication b/c it wasn't working as well anymore and one time they even increased the dose. But knowing what the problem is, is more than half of the battle. Maybe you could go with him to a doctors appointment and tell the doctor what has been going on at home and describe how your husband has lost interest in everything to include his health. Give your husband a chance to speak to the doctor and let him look him over. My friends husband went with her and he told her what he saw from his view at home and she talked about how she felt emotionally each day. It's just like diabeaties or anything else. If you have a disease, you take medication and it fixes it. Both men and women get it. This may not be what's wrong with your husband but if it is............ you don't want to wait another minuet. Some people have taken their life without treatment. It's worth looking into. It sounds like you and your husband do love each other and I would try everything possible before you talk about divorce. (Unless you or your daughter become in danger.) Then take a weekend trip or something, just the 2 of you. You two need some one on one time since the birth of your daughter. Good luck and God Bless!
~K.

B.,
first of all....I am close to your husband's age and,....44 is not old! He should not be acting like an'old man' at this age unless he has extreme health problems. You mentioned that he is in pain...why? Does he have serious health issues? Pain and health problems are a prompter in themselves for depression and changed behavior because if all you feel you are living for is pain..what's the point?
My son has chronic kidney failure and lives with pain. He is in counseling and on meds to deal w/ the depression it creates. Counseling isn't cheesy at all.
Also...a second opinion or trip to his doc sounds in order. Does his doc know of his present state? He'd have something to say, I'm sure. Maybe his present treatment is not enough to give him enough freedom from pain to function...or depression can add to physical symptoms as well. Go to the doc with him and give him an honest picture of your husband's actions...even if he doesn't want to, I'd force the issue for both your sakes and your daughter's.
Hang in there...it will take time, effort and treatment, but you can get your husband back....as long as he finds the desire to get well again.
God bless you...and don't forget to find a way to uplift yourself, such as a church group and prayer.
Blessings,
L.

Hi B.,

Go see a counselor. Find someone that you and your husband like and feel comfortable with. If that means trying several different people, do it. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce several years ago and we managed to bring it back with a TON of hard work and a fabulous counselor. We have a wonderful relationship now (not perfect but wonderful). Counseling is not cheesy. Sometimes we can't see the forest through the trees. Having an outside perspective, someone who is not emotionally involved, can help you begin to sort through what got you to this point and help you find your way back. Think of what you are teaching your daughter. It's not enough to simply "stay together". What is she witnessing in your lives? Do you want her to grow up thinking that this is how a marriage works? What kind of relationships do you want her to have? She's taking everything in and making decisions even now. Believe me, you are doing far more damage to her by staying together physically (i.e. in the same house) but growing apart in every other way. My husband and I went to an Imago therapist. Imago is latin for "in the image of". Basically the theory is that we attract in our partner someone who will help us to heal the wounds from our own childhoods. If your marriage was fine before you had your baby, perhaps having your daughter has triggered some of those childhood wounds in both of you. Everyone I know who has used this type of therapist, has had great success. Of course, you need to find someone that you feel comfortable with regardless. B., you owe it to yourselves and your little girl to get some professional help. Do it today. Don't wait.

Good luck,
S.

Ok, first I will recommend a phenomenal counselor. My husband and I were on the real verge of divorce, and this man has really helped us tremendously. His name is Draa THompson. Please give his office a call and set up an appointment.

He is not your typical counselor that says, "So....how did that make you feel." and provides pretty much no input. He is awesome, and sometimes I wonder if he isn't a little psychic. LOL!

First I have to say that I feel just like you do about staying in the marriage for your children (barring abusive or truly detrimental situations). However, you and your husband clearly do NEED counseling to pull your relationship out of the gutter. Though you are both open, that doesn't mean that you are truly communicating. I also feel that your husband is quite possibly depressed. Most men do not begin drinking and neglecting their personal hygiene just because they are lazy. From the outside, and hearing only what you are saying these behaviors seem like symptoms of grieving - that he sees you slipping away and is already suffering as if you are gone.

An old man on a train once said to my husband(then an 18 year old) that the key to a good marriage is staying faithful and never falling out of love with each other at the same time. He told my husband that people go through cycles and as long as the friendship is strong and both partners are caring of each other, the love will return.

From what you say, it sounds like you have both tried to avoid your problems and let them compound. It would have been more healthy for you to get them out in the air from the beginning and I think you will definitely need professional help both individually and as a couple to sort through everything without hurting one another even more.

Counseling can't hurt, in fact it'll probably help! It will at least start a dialoug between the two of you. Having kids definitely puts a strain on any relationship and you have to work just as hard to keep that relationship alive and thriving as you do in raising your children. Something's causing his "downward spiral" and lack of personal hygene.....just as something is causing your lack of interest in just being around him. The best way to uncover those reasons is through a dialoug......I can't suggest any councelors around here but perhaps you could look into PAIRS and find a PAIRS trained/certified councelor. I do know about that :-) Good luck!

Definitely do something about the situation! By digging deeper you could find he has medical concerns, winter depression which develops in the 30s and 40s, post-baby depression when you figure out how hard it is to have a dependent, or any number of things that have workable solutions. I agree that your daughter is probably feeling what's going on too, so it would be best for all of you. Good luck! D.

Our marriage went up and down ALL the hills! Counseling works and you should do it. Go together and then have separate sessions as well. Sometimes you have to work out your own personal 'self' issues before tackling the together ones. You never know- your husbands downward spiral may or may not have anything to do with you, but you will never know until you get it out there. You sound busy- he might just feel left out and useless. Get your doctor or trusted freind/relative to recommend a therapist and GO. It's not nearly as scary as you might think. It works- next week I celebrate my 20th, we almost lost it in the 10-15 year period. It was totally worth all blood and guts we laid on the table to get it back on track. Good luck.

I know the counseling can seem cheesy.. but it sounds like HE may need a wake up call.. maybe he needs to hear from someone other than you that he cant behave this way. He also might need to see a medical doctor as well, or a pyschiatrist of his own.. He sounds like he is in full depression mode and may need a Rx antidepressant to get out of it.

Maybe he is too depressed to be the person he was when you fell in love with him.. if he gets out of his depression, who knows- he could become that person again.

If he refuses to do either of the above, Id consider kicking him out for a while.. maybe thatll be a wake up call too.. he sounds too lazt/and or out of it to do anything about it, such as try and keep your daughter from you.

You cant be with someone who drinks.. you also cant be with someone who just slobs around all day. He needs help!

B.,

I recently went through a similar situation of not being attracted to my husband anymore, and just trying to avoid him, due to his treatment of me and other underlying issues. you need to step back and decide when enough is enough. Although neither of us wanted to be part-time parents, either, I reached that point and asked him to go to counseling. When he refused, I told him I wanted a seperation and that changed his tune. He agreed to go to a marriage counselor. We have been seeing a good one for 3 months now. It didn't happen overnight, but things are getting better and I no longer feel we have to live apart. If you'd like the name of the counselor, I'd be happy to give it to you. Also, a book our counsler recommended was "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I found this helpful as well. But I would definately consider speaking to a counselor first.

Hi B..

I have the same advice for you that I have given recently to a few other women. Look to how you are treating him. I'm not saying you are treating him horribly, but it may be a little worse than you realize. Any man is salvageable (provided he isn't an abuser) and so is any marriage. Please pick up a copy of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I think this book will open your eyes. She also wrote Woman Power. These books don't talk so much about controlling or manipulating men per se, at least, not in a negative way. But Dr. Laura makes it very clear that men look to their women to set the tone in a relationship. They're not very comfortable with doing it, so it's up to us. We are the keepers of the male ego, and if were not careful with it and don't properly nurture it, we can crush it with very little effort.

A lot of women would refuse to think the problem may be them and I pity them because their reltionships will just continue to worsen. A lot more would refuse to use "feminine wiles" on their men (stating that it's no different than prostitution) but I've got news for them, feminine wiles WORK! And you know what else, men LOVE it! There is nothing wrong with using a little lovin' to make your man feel good, and by extension feel like helping out. As I have said in previous posts I have written, only the last two generations of women have fallen out of touch with how to handle their men and set a loving tone in their homes thanks to the feminist movement which told young women that being a wife and mother wasn't enough and that they should aspire to more than "serving" men. Here's a thought, men serve us all day. They work to support us and our children and it's only fair that they receive some sort of service (or "pampering" if you will) from us. They deserve it. (yes, even if you are working outside of the home too, maybe especially)

It sounds to me like maybe your husband isn't feeling very good about himself right now, or about his ability to please you in any way. I don't know what would have given him this idea, but I think his behavior speaks for itself. It's going to be up to you to pull him out of this funk he's in and the only way you can do that is to be extra loving toward him and let him know how much you value and need him. There are many things you could do to fix many of these problems. For example, the hygenie issue is easy to fix. Just wiggle your hips at him and suggest provocatively that you two take a shower together after the kids are asleep. Tell him that you really feel like soaping each other up then after the shower romping around the bedroom. You can even offer to lather up his face for him (in a sexy way of course) so he can shave. (My husband loves it when I can't keep my hands off his face right after he shaves. I love how smooth his skin is and I tell him that.) This way, you get your point across that you wish a little better hygiene from him without nagging and making him feel even worse. As for his hair, you could try waiting until after you have just had a good roll in the hay, then run your fingers through his hair and say something like "You know sweetie, I really love your hair when it's clean cut, it makes you look so distinguished and sexy. It really turns me on when you take good care of it, would you get it cut for me?" (yes you have to be direct, men just don't do subtlety well) Men respond to promises of sex and hints of desire from their women. It's a fact and there's nothing wrong with it. Just make sure that you keep your promises and reinforce your hints with the proper "rewards" when he does as you wish.

Some of his morale issues are easy enough to correct as well. Let me ask you a question, how often in any given day, do you put your arms around him, give him a passionate kiss and tell him that you love and need him? My guess is almost never. Most of us let these things slide as the duties of Mother begin to take over, especially mothers that work outside of the home. We have a hard time remembering that the first duties we assumed were those of Wife.

As for romance, men display this differently than we do and since they are not as adept at communicating emotions as we are, it's up to us to find the little ways they say "I love you" throughout the day. Also, I am a firm believer that you have to give love to receive love, and this goes for romance too. Maybe you should try initiating some romance and see how he responds. My bet is that if you do this more often, he'll start to try harder to find ways to be romantic back.

I guarantee that if you take this advice to heart, read the books I mentioned and take their advice to heart, you will see an amazing transformation in your husband. Remember, YOU have power over his ego. You can use your power to nag him and make him feel like a pile of dirt, or you can use your power to build him up and make him feel like slaying dragons for you. It's your choice. Good luck and God Bless.

A counselor would not be cheesy at all. It sounds like your husband is suffering from a clinical depression. He needs to see a counselor, and if he won't go alone, then perhaps you could go with him until he gains trust in the therapy process. I can understand how his lack of care of himself is disgusting you, but I doubt he really wants to be in this position. I have been clinically depressed in the past, and it can be really hard to reach out for help if someone doesn't give you a good push in the right direction, like through the door of a good therapist's office.

Sweetie, if you are 29 and he is 14 years older he is experiencing changes that you have yet to even get anywhere near in his overall health, metal state, and needs for life. That is a large age difference. He might be internalizing the fact that he is going through these changes and it is seriously deoressing him. He has probably come to a point where he thinks about the fact that he might die far to early in your marriage and your daughter;s life.... THis is deffinately not something that you guys should wait on...please seek counseling, whether it be from a marriage counselor or your elders or miniters at your place of worship if you are practicing.

I am so sorry that this is happening, his self-esteem must have really been taking a blow to get this bad.

Hi B.:

Fron just reading your side of the situation, it sounds like counselling would really help if you have an open mind and are willing to work. It is not at all "cheesy" if you both are serious about repairing your relationship or committed to a healthy plan of action for your daughter. If you have both given up on the relationship, there is no point in torturing yourselves or your daughter by remaining together. She will only learn and mimick what she sees you and your husband doing and as she ages and matures, it may impair her ability to have a stable, loving and respectful relationship with men. Sometimes staying together does more damage than good, if both of you are not committed to a positive course of action for your daughter - not yourselves- it could become worse in the long run. In couselling, you may be able to explore what will really be the best outcome for all of you.

Hi B.,

I am sorry for your difficulty with your marriage, I went through a rough patch for a few years..and now, looking back, it seems to be just that, a rough patch..although at the time it was really overwhelming.

There's nothing "cheesy" about counseling. What you learn there may surprise you both. It's not just a matter of openness but learning the tools that, believe it or not, you may not even have thought about, or you may think that things are "open" but really there is so much underneath that comes out with the methods that a professionally trained counselor uses.

More importantly it gives you common ground, a safe place where you both can express your feelings. the counselor observes this interaction and becomes an invaluable source of information for you on the areas that you need to look at that may not be evident to you now.

There are also cutting edge technology that they use now to help desensitize certain fears or memories that make it difficult for one to move on or cope with a past or present experience. They worked very well for us.

My husband and I also took SO long to see a counselor because we felt that we were "open" enough, educated enough to recognize our flaws. Now we just wish we had gone sooner.

If you need a referral, I would gladly direct you to our counselor. We have been going for more than a year now and it has really chnaged our lives as well as the lives of our kids. They do family counseling too.

Don't give up. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi, you stated something that I find may be very important. you are a part-time student. What type of career does your husband have? Is he satisfied in it, with the drinking, if that is a new thing ( not a life style that he has had since you met) then that could be a sign of depression. He may be seeing that you are going to school, and changing who you are, you are growing. He may be feeling that he is not. He may feel that he is not on your level that you will be needing something he cannot give. Maybe you do, but his insecurity may be at the root of this. I would suggest that you both find someone you can talk to. Find time that you can spend together, even when you don't feel like letting him know you he is important tell him anyway. Leave him a note, tell him you love him and that you value him. If you really want this relationship to work one of you must take the first step. Love is not a feeling it is an action, a process. The feelings are just the results.

Things can turn around if you are both willing, I hope they do, I would love to here the results.

C.

Couseling is far from "cheesy" and it sounds like your marriage is in desperate need of it. I think your husband is showing classic signs of depression, and would probably benefit from an antidepressant. If you can afford it, I'll bet a membership to a gym or fitness center would help him, too. Get a membership for yourself, too. Exercise is a great way to get those endorphins moving. You also say you are attending school. Maybe he feels like you are moving beyond him. Urge him to go back to school. When I could afford it, it was a great confidence booster, and thus made me feel good about myself.

I do not think that counseling is cheesy. If you want to get to the root of things, sometimes that is what it takes. You all may consider seeing one individually at first and then together and the counselor may be able to address the problems better. Your husband is obviously having some self issues. If they are self esteem or whatever they have to be addressed. Counseling is the best answer at this point as well as attending a good church together if you all don't already attend. Atleast if it does not work out you can not say that you did not try everything to make it work.

Hi B., I would print out what you wrote and hand it to him! Or if not this posting, put down your thoughts and let him read it through how you feel. This might be a wake-up call for him!

If that doesn't work, there's absolutely nothing "cheesy" about counseling. Many people gain so much from counseling and it sounds like it may be a viable option for you.

Further, it may be important for him to have his health re-evaluated by someone else. Is he getting the proper treatment for any ailments he might have?

You sound so hopeful and you deserve to be happy! And remember, it's better for your daughter to be raised by happy parents. If you're happy in the home as it is, then fine. But if not, seperation might be best for everyone, even your daughter.

I wish you all the best!!

Hi B..
When a person neglects their person hygene its a serious sign of depression. I know this because dression runs in my family. I would suggest he seek help immediatly or you keep encouraging him and be supportive. Be strong for you daughter and for the sake of your family.

Krisie married mother of 2

Hi, B.. You've already received a lot of good advice from the other moms, but I thought I'd take a minute to add my perspective.

I have three children and have been married for almost 19 years. I am not an expert, but I have had some interesting experiences along the way. Maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse takes a lot of hard work, and sometimes that work may feel very one-sided.

Based on the information in your note, I'm guessing that your husband is in his early 40s. Although I am certain that you both love one another very much, you are at different stages in life. Recognizing this and taking steps to better understand each other may help a lot.

What are your dreams and goals--individually and as a couple? What sorts of things do you like doing together? Do you share interests or hobbies? Taking the time to understand each other's perspectives is important.

Although the first years of a marriage are full of passion and a need to be together, over time you have to seek out opportunities for fulfillment. If you have a home, that might mean tackling a project together. Painting a bathroom can be romantic if you look at it that way. It might be a picnic in the park--alone. Or a few moments stolen at night to watch the stars. Take a day off work or school and spend it together. If he likes to fish--go with him--even if you hate it. Prepare his favorite meal, put your daughter to bed early, and eat together by candlelight. Remind him of how he made you feel during those first days.

You indicate that you work full-time and go to school part time. You also have a young daughter. That doesn't leave much time to share as a couple. You may be fulfilled by the career and school pursuits, but he may be feeling very lonely. He may recognize that you are growing in a direction that doesn't include him. So you need to find things that allow you to grow together, too. It is time consuming--but it is worth it in the end.

When my children were young, my husband worked a weekend shift and went to school during the week. I worked full-time at a very demanding job. We never saw one another. Although I knew that finishing his education would ultimately benefit our family, I was often tired and resented being left at home alone with three very small children. To this day, I am not certain that he understands how exhausted, frustrated and unhappy that I was during that time. From his perspective, he was meeting a goal and taking steps to better our lives. I was dealing with a 60 hour work week, raising three very small children, and a mountain of related tasks such as cooking , cleaning, etc. We were on very different pages.

It is essential to carve out time to spend together. Find a weekend to get away without your child--focus on each other. Making the time to be together now may save much heartache later. When I'm feeling disconnected from my spouse, I try to make a little more effort--even when I don't really feel like it. We might schedule a day off work to spend together. Or build a fire outside and roast marshmallows for fun. Or it might be as simple as a walk through the neighborhood after dinner--just the two of us.

Or you might want to surprise him with a day on his own. If he has a close friend that he likes to go to sporting events with or fish with or whatever. . . set up a day. . . tell him that you really appreciate his help with your daughter while you are in school (if indeed that is the case) and give him a day off!

I realize that time is hard to find--and there is a lot of mommy guilt when you have a young child, but if you improve your relationship with her father--you are giving her a gift. And you are teaching her the value of working at something that is important.

I'm a little surprised that you refer to couseling as "cheesy". You have written this note to get advice from other moms. Seeking help from an experienced counselor is really no different. He or she can offer an unbiased viewpoint and simply talking out your issues in front of a third party can be very helpful. My husband and I have sought counseling individually and together over the years. As a matter of fact, we are currently working through some problems with our teenager with the help of a counselor. If your employer offers an EAP, that is a great place to start. The service is usually free or low-cost and can help you find a direction.

Sometimes knowing that there is a problem is not enough--when your car isn't working you go to a mechanic. . . when you are sick you go to a doctor. . . a counselor is just another professional who may be able to help you fix something that is broken.

Read the Five Love Languages. You might be surprised by what you learn.

I also agree with some of the other moms who have suggested that your husband may be somewhat depressed--but don't try to diagnose him yourself. If it's been a while since you have had physicals, go together. Share your concerns with the doctor (without your husband in the room)! Or let the counselor help address that area. Don't "nag" him with what has been said in these notes. That may only make things worse.

Now, that said, if the "drinking" is becoming an issue, you need to seek help right away. If your husband drinks to the point of being drunk, your daughter could be in danger if she is in his care while you are at work or school. However, if he is drinking casually repairing the other problems may help. Only you are in a position to determine what is right in this situation.

I wish you the best. Sometimes it feels as if you are giving 100% to his 50%; but remember that there may well be times that he feels the same way. You are two people with different personalities trying to work together to make a life. It's not easy. There are a lot of bumps along the way, but if you work hard, and agree on the right path together, it can be a real adventure--and well worth the effort.

Hi B., I can only tell you about my experience with my husband. He is very much like you in that he is a energetic and positive guy. I on the other hand suffer from depression. It sounds like your husband suffers from depression also. If he hasn't been diagnosed then you might bring it up to him. If he does then you will have to understand that it is a very sad illness that consumes you and you can do nothing but be selfish. I can look back now to when I first started to get bad. My husband could not understand why I was the way I was and he was very frustrated and had a hard time wanting to be around me. We stopped talking, we stopped having sex, and we stopped even being civil. I was not attracted to him and started to think of life with out him. In this time I was not thinking about how he must of felt. I hurt him by being distant and selfish many times and I am now very sorry for that. But I was sick and had to think about myself. I finally found the courage to seek counseling. I did have to go on meds which I did not want but it was necessary. I worked very hard to build myself back up again. Then my husband agreed to go to counseling with me. I wasn't overnight and it wasn't easy. I know why people get divorces because it would have been so much easier. We learned how to listen to each other and started communicating in baby steps. We have been married for 7 years and it has been almost two years since we were in counseling. I have my best friend back and I love him more than ever. We didn't have kids at the time but a marriage is a marriage with or with out them. Just know that it is possible to find your husband again. If he is depressed then he needs to take care of it himself or he won't get better. And if he does get help then try your hardest to support him. If he is open to counseling then that is a very good thing and you should definitely seek help. It is not cheesy at all if it saves your marriage. I wish you good luck and hope it all works out.

K. C

first i highly recommend finding a church that preaches the Gospel of Christ. st timothys church, catonsville, md fits that bill and that is where i attend.
second i encourage you strongly to seek counseling both together and seperate

Hello B., I've always been good at giving advice, but I think it's only fair to tell you before I start that I have never been married. With that out of the way, let me say that you are right in wanting to fix this problem before it goes any farther. You don't want to live your life being miserable and I'm sure neither does he. Not to mention that your daughter will pick up on these vibes and know something isn't right with Mommy and Daddy. I'm not sure the problems you're having with your relationship has anything to do with the birth of your daughter. (I could be wrong. Was this a planned birth?) It seems as if your hubby has just quit trying. He sounds depressed to me. Has things changed within his job? Anything within your family change? When is the last time he went in for a check-up? It could be a physical thing. I won't make this long and drawn out. First thing I'd do is to get him in for a check-up and then follow your own instincts and go to a cheesy therapist. It could do wonders for all of you. Best of luck to you.

Your husband is in his 40s and it sounds like he's not enjoying mid-life too much. When he sees you and your daughter, it probably reminds him that he's no longer in his 20s. Some men really do have a hard time aging. I am in my 40s now, and I do feel a real difference than I did in my 20s. I don't have the same energy levels, and sometimes a good nap would do me a world of good. But, I also have young children who never seem to tire until the very end of the day. Having written that, it does not change life one bit. If he's battling depression, you cannot fix that alone. And, if he won't talk about it, you definitely cannot help. Do not make him feel like the problem by implying he's going through mid-life crisis (though there might be some truth to it). Just say, I really want us to spend some time alone together. I know things are hectic now, but what do you think we can do to carve out some quality time for just us two? If he rejects that, then, in a separate conversation, ask if he's going through something he'd like to talk about. Wait until your daughter is asleep to have these conversations. You wrote that you and your husband were great friends. Be his friend now. If he's not shaving, tell him, oh, you're growing a beard? Cool! If he still rejects your efforts and you both realize things are not the way they should be, kindly ask him if he thinks you two should go for marriage counseling. Tell him you want to be his wife and his friend, not his roommate, and you want your relationship back. Ask him if he's willing to work toward that same goal and don't worry about that being cheesy. Think of the alternative (divorce) as really cheesy and fight for your relationship.