Think It's Time to Go

Being married to your best friend isn't horrible ~ in fact, in sounds terrific. Of course there are going to be times when you think that there might be something better out there...maybe something even a little hotter with more passion, but it you go chasing after that it's all going to end up the same in the end. The sizzle sometimes fizzles. It takes two to make a marriage work. You may want to talk to your husband and do some deep soul searching before making a final decision. Pray. Think about your boys. How different would it be for them?

I would suggest watching the movie "Fireproof." It is the best movie to see about relationships.

D., I pray that God guides you in your final decision. Nowadays people too often give up on their marriage "just because." Work at it and you will reap what you sow.

I've been married to my husband for 13 years and we've been together 14. We married when I was 19 and he was 23. Believe me, I've been there, but I don't regret for one moment that I've stayed. My husband and my daughter are the best blessings that God has given to me. I pray everything works out for you and that you make the best decision for yourself and your children. God Bless.

I am not sure what you are asking for....You are married to this man... Where do YOUR parents fit into this picture? You have been married for 14 yrs... and have 20 month old babies together... and according to my calculations are 37?
It does not sound like he is abusive... Maybe the comment about man/child could lead one to think a bit immature... BUT you have stood by him for 18 yrs...

My first thought would be perhaps a touch of a midlife crisis coupled with postpartum blues... (You can be affected by them for about 2 yrs AFTER the birth of your baby)

Like I said before... Not sure what the request is about... What ever your issues are have a sit down with hubby and TALK about it... Do date nights. Put the kids to bed and sit on the porch together TALKING... Be honest and see where it goes...

Good luck...

Sorry to hear you want to leave your best friend to live with your parents. Lets just hope his parents are as good as role models as yours, because in your own words "he is a great husband and wonderful father", he may be the one that gets the main custody of the children and you could be the one with visitation. Better you talk to your best friend and find out what is really the problem and find a way to work it out.

I'm guessing you are lonely? I know I married a friend and that's how I feel. Can I tell you that my church has been a huge help for me? I keep involved in stuff and it gives me hope.

If you want to talk more, let me know!

S.

My husband and I didn't get married until we were 27, and we've only been married for 6 years. However, we had our first child eleven months after we got married. Daughter number two joined us 18 months after that. Those first three years or so were very rough. I thought he was cheating on me, although I never had any proof. I still wonder, but don't care any more. Divorce was mentioned at least once a year. The question we always asked ourselves was if we still loved each other. The answer was always yes, and because of that we stuck it out. My husband is not only my husband, but is also my best friend and confidant, he's my everything. Six years later, we're both beyond glad that we decided to stick together and work it out, and actually have a good laugh about it sometimes.

My recommendation for you is to ask yourself some questions.

1) Do you still love him?
2) What is it that exactly that he does that he bothers you?
3) Are you feeling out of sorts about other things (parenting, life in general, etc.)? (If you answer yes to this one, the problem doesn't lie with your marriage but potentially with you and post-partum depression)
4) Are your boys worth trying to make things work for your husband?
5) Is your husband feeling the same way?

These questions will help guide you in what you need to do. If you still love him, then working through the issues in question two are worth it - trust me. If you answer yes to question three you may want to talk to your doctor for some assistance. I did the post partum depression thing, and was dragged kicking and screaming (almost literally) to the doctors office. Only you can decide if it's time to leave your marriage, those of us out here can only give you advice. Good luck!!

BEfore you walk out the door, check out the book by Byron Katie:"I Need Your Love, Is That true ...?"
Right away you can go to her website:www.thework.com,
and she how she helps people unravel the thoughts that make them miserable. ...Please chek it out before you check out.
I've walked out the door many times and ended up raising 5 kids by myself, please check out -the work. ... I wish I had!

Hi D.,

It sounds like a lot of people have said what I would say, get counseling work on it. What I didn't read was this... how long has it been since you have been away from the kids alone, or with your husband? If you haven't had a vacation with your husband since the babies were born or even in the past 6 months, then you need to do that too. Do you still date him (you know, hire a sitter and go to dinner and a movie, go golfing, or whatever). You will need to work on it by really trying to remember the woman you are(I highly suggest a girls only week-end with a couple of your friends, my first with to traverse city for a vineyard tour) then go with your husband, don't just drop off the kids and go back home. Take them to the patient parents of yours and get out and try to remember who you both used to be. Good luck, God bless. Please don't give up yet.

Divorce only means that you get to have a relationship with that person for the rest of your children's lives, under strain. You will nto get them every Christmas morning, or easter, or 4 th of July. They will miss your birthday parties, and your parents 50th anniversary dinner. If you want to put them in soccer, you will need to get permission from the other parent because they will have to take them to the games every other week-end. It Totally SUCKS!! I have been living this life since my son was 6 yrs old. Stick with it! Fight for your marriage. And believe me, they are all a man/child, and in some ways we are still girl/child.

I'm not sure if you're asking if you should leave your husband or not, but that's what it seems you are contemplating. Sometimes, your husband being your best friend can get you through the rough times. Every marriage has ups and downs, but you need to work through those things, if not for yourself or your husband, for your boys. If you haven't been through it, you don't know how hard it is to share custody and deal with letting your boys be raised by someone else. Try getting some time alone, talking to your husband, and/or counseling. Good luck!

I am sorry that you are having doubts about your marriage. But I think you have a strange view of what marriage and family really is. Marriage is sometimes boring, sometimes very lacking in passion, and sometimes, as a woman, you feel like more of a mother than a wife to your husband. That's life. But I believe that children are entitled to a life with mother AND a father who are married. That is the best role model for relationships that they will ever have. No two people in the world can love your children better than you and your husband. Think about it. I think that the fact that you are married to your best friend is honestly a beautiful thing. That means that you like him as a person, which says a lot more than most people who are considering ending their marriage. Count your blessings and then get yourselves into some marriage counseling. I am sure your wedding vows didn't include a disclaimer "I do... until things get boring or I realize that men never really grow up."
IMHO, you can work it out. You will get through this slump and your children will be all the better for it.
God Bless you and your dear family.

Are you planning on leaving your husband to live with your parents??? First off, you and your husband are not your parents so get that out of your head. I think every marriage goes through "rough" patches. We are busy in our lives and the lives of our kids and its so easy to let go of that spark that made you first love each other. You did not get married that early in life so I don't agree with the whole man/child thing. Every man in some way or another is immature than us women. I have been married for 11 years to my husband and we got married when I was 20 and he was 24, we had kids 4 years later, and I will admit my marriage is much different now cause we have 3 kids to raise and life is all about them so it makes it very hard to really have alone time with each other but I am in the legal field and have seen divorces in their worst and I would never want to put my kids through that unless it was a dire need to, its so disfunctional for them short and long term, I think you need to take some time for you and your husband to talk to each other and share feelings, take a short trip somewhere to reconnect! never make a huge decision like this on a whim you will regret it later on when all the damage is done

I read many of the responses. Some really good advice. My husband is my best friend. I was a single mother of an 8 year old daughter when we met. She's now 19 and we have an 8 year old now together. He has always been a great provider. But not patient with my child. He wasn't around many kids growing up. He was the youngest and could not figure out why being a kid especially a girl was so hard. I worked with him. I was an up and down battle at times but all is well now. I know he did the best he could with my oldest and he now states that he knows he was too hard on my oldest but he didn't realize that until we had ours. He's always treated my oldest like his but being a stepdaughter my self I could tell. Try and work things out. What worked for me is having him particate with daily routines, cooking, cleaning, baths, errands paying bills, etc. When you do mostly everything all they want to do is be a kid. Good luck, I don't know if any of this helped. I just didn't know the whole story. Best wishes, D.

I think it's great that you married your best friend...and you have been married a very long time....congratulations on the milestone:) Having been divorced myself, I can tell you this from my own experience and that of my inner circle--living with your parents when you are an adult who has children can be horrendous. You are set in your ways and so are your parents. The reason they are so patient now is because the kids aren't around them 24/7, so they cherish the time they spend with your family. If you were to move in with them now--their patience would wear out fast and you would be subjected to their meddling in your life as you would in theirs. Never go back--always go forward. Absence makes the heart grow fonder in situations like this. There are no better role models for your children than you and your husband. Get some counseling through a church or a licensed therapist before you even think about about living with your folks.

Speaking from experience,

M.

I'm not sure what you're asking, but I would suggest some counseling before you walk out. You say your parents are more patient... Of course they are, they're been parents for a lot longer than 20 months. Were you having problems with your husband's immaturity before the kids? You say he's a great man and wonderful father. What's missing? Are your problems any worse than what most women complain about in our husbands? If you truly are not and cannot be in love with your husband, then by all means, you shouldn't be married. But you made a commitment and should at least try to work things out. Having children can put a lot of strain on a marriage; I can't imagine what it's like to have twins. But you owe it to your children and your husband (and yourself) to at least try. You haven't given much information, but have you even talked to him about your feelings? I really do recommend counseling, if not couple's counseling, then on your own, so that you can get to the root of your feelings. Just remember that being a parent isn't easy and you are not alone in many frustrations that you feel. Good luck

what should you do?

go to couples therapy.

when a couple has been together for as long as you have there can be problems that were there in the beginning and because no one has addressed them...just fester and get worse.

Before you do anything else...get into therapy BOTH of you.

And i really don't understand why you are comparing your husband to your parents as far as role models...your parents are GRANDparents...they are backup for the two of you...I'm sure they are great with your boys...but YOU and your Husband (their FATHER) should always be primary care takers and primary role models for your boys.

Hi D. -

Marriage is tough for most or at least has tough spots for most couples. I hear what you are saying and it sounds as if you reached a point if you are not sure if you want to continue on with this.
You have both been through such a major, major change becoming parents after 14 years of marriage...let alone twins. The first couple of years after having the first child is not always easy on the marriage. There are a lot of things to work out in terms of division of labor and these new responsibilities that you are now facing. Nothing is ever the same as it was before once the babies arrive. In addition, you were both married a long time before becoming parents...I am sure you had a very established life and marriage that now has been really changed and tested.
I strongly urge you to seek some type of conseuling or professional help before either one of you decide to call it quits. There are ways through this. My parents divorced 25 years ago and sorry to tell you this but it is not easy on the kids regardless of what age they are. It is a life sentence of hell for every child involved. I still to this day at 35 yrs old am in the middle of where the holidays will be spent, who has more time with the grandchildren, etc. Sorry to be the one to tell you this but I would think VERY, VERY hard before I ever left a marriage. Both of my parents live with terrible regret because they feel as they were not very good parents when they became single parents and in many ways, they were not. The stress of being a single parent is overwhelming. There is no one there to share the tremendous responsibility of parenting with.
This is my two cents...I hope I have not offended you in anyway but I just want the truth to be told from those who have been through this with my own parents.

I'm not sure I totally understand your question, but as a teacher in our church's marriage ministry, I just want to say that we are all are work in progress and there is always at least one time of disillusionment in any marriage. It is commitment that helps you work it through. Of course I'm going to suggest you pray and seek guidance from your religious leaders, but as with a lot of things in life, it's the day by day willingness to have a positive attitude and work things through, no matter how tough, that pays off. Divorce is something kids never totally get over. Been there, done that. Marriage is hard work and people usually turn out to be someone different than we thought, whether it's spouses or friends. I'd suggest you try to improve communication between you. A lot of men are immature but grow up eventually and it sounds like he still has a ways to go. Talk to him!! God bless you!