Advice on Failing Relationship

T., Have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel? That is a horrible feeling to be in a relationship for a child (I did it) I wish all the best for you! Do you work? Stay home?.....

My advice would to be move on. It has been 3 years, and you should not feel obligated to stay with this guy just because you have a child. Plus, after 3 years of being engaged, it doesn't seem like you or him plan on marrying. You sound unhappy and alone even with him in the house. MOVE ON! I am 39 years old, been there, done that.

Hi T.,

I know exactly what you are going through. I have been with my fiance for five years. Like you no wedding plans. It is just like having a roommate. He also goes to work come home and instead of the T.V. He is on the internet which is in the guest room. You are lucky at least he does his own laundry. We have a 2 year old daughter together. And I know they love each other very much. But, I want to be a wife, not just a live in baby mama. I asked him to leave also and it never happened. I feel like he really doesn't wont to be with me. But, he can't stand the idea of another man having me. Sometimes, I think he is trying to do better. But everytime I think it is better. I realize it really is not and I am really making matters worse, by staying with him.

Hi T.,

I am brand new to this site, and don't want in any way to offend you or risk hurting your feelings, but I read your request and your words sang to my heart and I just felt the need to respond.

This is what you need to know, remember, internalize, trust, believe, act upon:

1. You deserve a healthy, positive, supportive partner in your life.
2. If you stay in this relationship, your child will grow up thinking that the way you and your fiance are living/behaving/showing love, support and guidance to each other/acting is NORMAL. YOU are his guiding light. YOU are his role model. He will learn from YOU first and foremost. Is this situation you are in now the best that you want for your SON??
3. Life is hard. The struggles are painful, many times seemingly impossible, easier to avoid than to process through...but here's the deal. You know in your heart you and your son deserve better. You know in your heart this is not a healthy relationship. You know in your heart this is not a healthy environment and guiding light for your son. You know in your heart that this is not "right" for you, in that you are unhappy with your current situation. So, empower yourself and do what you have to do to GET OUT.

I don't have a Ph.D., I'm not necessarily that intelligent, but I have a big heart that has been stepped on a lot on my life...sometimes I contributed, sometimes I didn't. Either way...I know what I am talking about through lots of life experience.

Love yourself enough. Love your son enough. Love your life enough to get out.

T.,

Where is the love?... And Excitement! This sounds kind of dragged down already. Not one time did I see, hear or feel the word love.

You have the answer inside you. Actually, you have already answered yourself in the passage you wrote publicly.

Read your answer below:

#1. my fiance. We been together for only 3 years and have a little boy. At the same time, I want to do whats right for our son. He is a little angel and he is the only reason that I try so hard at making this relationship work. (Your Answer)

#2. We've been engaged with no wedding plans and I think thats because I'm afraid to marry him. (Your Answer)

#3. I'm afraid that I will feel trapped and wonder what else is out there. (Your Answer)

#4. At the same time, I want to do whats right for our son. He is a little angel and he is the only reason that I try so hard at making this relationship work. (Your Answer)

#5. I feel at times that I am with a mean, immature, selfish, self-centered guy. (Your Answer) He goes to work, then the gym, comes home and eats dinner by himself and then sits in front of the tv (Your Answer - Do you think this will change?) before he goes to bed in the guest room. He doesn't help me with our son or any of the housework. (Your Answer) He does his own laundry, washes his own car, does his own grocery shopping, has his own friends...

#6. We have no relationship. (YOUR ANSWER!)

#7. I don't want to be with someone like this (YOUR ANSWER!) and its apparent that he wants to be single... (YOUR ANSWER!) he lives a life of a single guy! (YOUR ANSWER!)

#8. I recently asked him to leave and get his own place to live. (YOUR ANSWER!)

Do not fooleth thine self...

You have your answer, listen to yourself.

Hi T.,

Sad to say, I think you already answered your own question. He's already living and acting as though he's single which is his passive/aggressive way of saying I don't want to share myself with you. I'd leave now before it gets any worse. My heart goes out to you.

pamo

Hi T.,

From what you have written, it sounds like your fiance has already left emotionally. You don't say if he's helping with the bills, but it sounds like he's just waiting to find someone else to move in with. He doesn't interact with you, he doesn't interact with your son. He doesn't eat with you. In your own words "we have no relationship".

It sounds like you know it's time to move on. You and your son deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes you. You both deserve that. I think you already knew the answer before you posted, but sometimes we all second-guess ourselves. You were right on the money.

Good luck!!

Get the hen-fire heck outta this relationship !!! You are doing no favors to your son...who wants a room mate for the father of their child...talk to a lawyer regarding child support for your son...the father owes HIS son that much...I am sure that you will be happier...and somewhere down the road you will find someone that will love you and your son with all their heart...don't go looking...love will find you, I know...it did me...17 years ago yesterday...(smile)

Hi T.,

How? I hope all is well. As your son gets older he will think that's' the way he should treat his female partner. I know it's not easy but you can do it by yourself until the right person come along. You need to be around positive people. If he do not move you move. Start this by loving you. I stayed in a marriage for 8 yrs and it was not going any where. He ended up having twins with other lady and we had been trying but could not. I decide to leave and it's been the best but was not easy cause I love him with all my heart. I am married today with one son Mathias 3 years old. I talk to my pastor before I made the move and all the talking did not make me feel any better. Every body thought I was going to go back to him cause they know how much I wanted it to work. Even my pastor thought I was not going to marry my new husband.

Please get out and if he changes his ways and you want to give it a try later. But now you need to work on you. Healing your body and mind so that you can take care of your son. Stress kills and you want to be around for your child. Pray and read your bible god will give you a word. It will get easy. I am here if you walk to go for a walk with the kids. You will find that love your looking for but you have to let go and heal. You can do it and I believe in you.

Call me any time cell ###-###-####. And I truly mean it. If you need help let me know. You do not have to do it alone.

Tho you don't give your live-in's age, it sounds to me like he's about as "old" and responsible as he's ever going to get and your decision should be based on how long you want to be stuck with a man unwilling to commit to either you or your son. As for himm he doubtlessly has it "good" indeed, and will continue to stay put till you make the decision to get him out of your life. Unfortunately, getting him out of your son's won't be so easy because, as the father, he has legitimate rights of visitation etc. Make up your mind, and start making practical plans, to give him his walking papers and get on with your and your son's life. And the next time you meet a man you fall for, use better judgment before rushing into a relationship. Another thing ... when your breakup with the father does occur, make certain you have a legal binding as to child support, a binding that would garnishee his salary, if need be. AND, PLEASE, DON'T LET (UNJUSTIFIED) FEELINGS OF GUILT/REMORSE, ETC. COLOR WHAT YOU MUST DO!! lAURA

T.

I was in a long relationship with my first two childrens father that was not a good relationship. I soon realized that this is what my children were going to have as their role model for relationships and I wanted better for them. Three months after the realtionship ended I found the man of mine and my childrens dreams. He is a wonderful step-father and husband. I can not imagine if I would have stayed in a poor relationship for my kids and missed out on a wonderful realtionship for all of us. Staying for the child is not a good thing. Kids are smart and know when things are not right. If you are not happy then you can not be the best mommy to that precious little boy. I know that it is hard, but even if you are his only parent then you can be the best for him. I hope it helps and God Bless, I will have you n my prayers.

C.

Please let him go for the sake of your baby and yourself, you are 31, he is telling in a way what he really wants. Get a babysitter join the gym and get on with your life do not wait or beg anyone to be with you. He will be sorry.

hi T.,
relationships are like gardens...they need to be tilled and all of the rocks need to be taken out...it depends on if this man is into being in the relationship too.
sometimes we can make up stories about another person that are not anywhere true for the other person, especially between males and females.
your son does not need a detached parent, he needs to be adored. i'm not sure why you would have chosen to have a son with a man who didn'[t want to be a father....but dont make anything up. put the cards on the table and decide.
then, take an action. children have tons of guardian angles and you will be blessed for doing the right thing.
peace,
ninabe

T., You are the age of my daughter and I will tell you what I would tell her. It's great that you're putting your son first. You say you're staying with this guy for your son's sake. But how is it helping him? Does his dad have a relationship with him? Even if he does, if you're the only one working at this, there is no relationship. You are just living in the same house like room mates. You and your son deserve to be with someone who loves and values you. From what you say, it's obvious that this guy only loves himself. I think you know what you need to do.
I hope this helps. N. PS The Mom who said to seek counseling is giving you sound advice. Don't make the same mistake again.

Well girl, first of all--just reread your post and I think your answer lies there....

I believe REALLY strongly in 'marriage' and what it means, so don't get into something you have such a good gut feeling that it won't work out.

As a teacher--your son will be who he is based largely by the role models in his life--and their choices. You get to choose who he watches and literally looks up to. What type of behavior do you want him recipricating?

Your son will definitely need and want his dad in his life--but that is up to his dad. You can continue to make your child a part of his life, but whether dad shoes up or not is up to him.

My only other tip is once you make your decision, don't let your fiance change your mind. Bouncing back and forth is not going to be good for your son either. Plus, any person who doesn't listen to what you want, should make you question why they are trying to manipulate you?

Hope this isn't too opinionated! :) Best wishes! By the way, good for you for having him, raising him, and looking out for him! Sometimes we forget to praise ourselves!

My situation is sort of different. I was married to a man that you are describing, we have two wonderful children he lives in CA and gets them every summer. The children don't have their father physically in the home, but he definitely does not miss any opportunity he can to spend with them. He tries to take off during their spring break and spend that with them. Although we did not get along because he didn't want to help with bills, wanted to party all night, etc. and never had time for me and the children together, but he does what he can and spends time with the children. So you don't have to be with him to take care of the children. If you feel he is living a single guys life then that is where he truly needs to be. I have dated the same guy since my divorce for almost 6 years and he would do anything for me and my children, such as pick them up from school if necessary, take my son to basketball practice when I can't because I am sick, etc. A wonderful man who is very responsible and thoughtful. Don't be afraid to let go of heartache and pain in order to grab hold of hope, joy and happiness.

We'll you know he's not the person you see in your head as the father type. I also believe that a man spends his "time" on what is truly in his heart, in this case himself. You dont want to ever set that example in front of another boy or you will raise one just like him. He is not leading by example for your son in his relationship with you or your son. No dad is alot better than a crappy one. Use your energy on making a solid positive family of 2 instead of using it on making things "look better." You can do it alone, I have. Having a happy mom that has time and energy to spend with them is the best family they can have. If he decides to have a relationship with your son he does and if not then you are way better off. Some people a alot better part-time parents than full time. He could be the ideal father 2 weekends a month with maybe soccer coach or scouts later. Who knows??

Hi T., just wanted to give you some friendly advice on your relationship. From what i read you and your beautiful son are the only ones in this relationship! So he is the daddy. It takes more then just a romp in the bed to be a daddy! Get on with your life. T. life is too short to be miserable! Think of your little boy! What kind of life will he have when the mother and father don't even enjoy their life together. You know we may think little ones don't understand but T. they feel tense and he will response sooner or later. You are a yound woman and those years will creep on you before you realize it. So come on girl make a real life for you and your son! It will be the daddy that will miss out on a lot! Hope i have been some help! Regards, C.

My Dear T. M,

Sounds as if to me the only thing you will be giving up is a room mate, & not a very helpful one at that. I lived with the father of my children for 20 years, & have been single for a little over 4 years now, & I have never felt better. Their father was pretty much the same way as your fella, but the difference now is that if he wants to see our little girl he has to actually do something with her, where before he was just "babysitting" as he called it. I had our last child at the ripe young age of 41. I also have a child that is almost 21, & in his 3rd year of college. The son never sees him per his own choosing.

You are so young, and you & your child both deserve so much better. One thing I do advise is when & if you guys do split up, take some time to find out who you are, as in between the 3 years with him, and a new baby, T. has become a totally different person. Take time. I took 10 months after the separation before I would even EMAIL another man!!!

Make you a list. One list of why you "want" him there, & one list of why he "deserves" to be there. If it is strictly financial, then go on & live you life as he seems to do, & enjoy that precious joy of love that you have been so lucky to have....

Good luck girl....

Life may not be the party we planned for but while we are here we may as well dance....

T.,
I am so sorry to hear about you and your fiance. Sometimes no matter how hard you work at a relationship, if there's nothing there, there's not much to work on and it sounds like he's already "moved on". Both of my sisters are now single mothers because of failed relationships they tried so desperately to save. My little sister went through the same thing with her babies father. She got pregnant by him while on birth control, only to find out he didn't even want kids. She dated him for a while in college, they broke up; but reconnected via the internet a couple years later. She moved from NC to Oklahoma just for him because she thought she loved him. She spent over a year with him, even tried to make it work after her son was born. But he just totally disconnected after their son was born. He would do the same thing your fiance does. Go to work, come home and play on the net till 3 am; and he slept in the guest room. My sister realized this is obviously how it was going to be and she did not want to be with someone who was just going to completely ignore her and her son all the time. He didn't do ANY housework; my sister did it all, and she worked a part time job. Chances are VERY HIGH he will continue with this behavior after you get married. If you do not want to go through this, then do not go through with the marriage. You will only end up with a huge headache of a divorce and heartache of seeing your son go through it as well. I'd cut my losses and hit the road; no amount of stress and heartache is worth a failed attempt at a failing relationship. Make a visitation agreement now in writing, so there'll be no dispute later. If he really loves his son he will make an attempt to spend time with him. The biggest problem you may have now is once you or him move out, there may be child support issue. I'd discuss that as well with the visitation. You do not have to go to court for that; but if you apply for any gov assistance, they will need to substantiate some sort of financial assistance from his father. My older sister currently does not get any assistance from her son's father, but they have shared custody; and this was court-ordered. I feel for your situation, it's a very difficult thing to go through and it will be a very tough decision to make. But in the end you will make the right choice, no matter what.

It seems that if you really do want to try to make it work, you guys will need to go to counseling. If he won't go or won't do any of the work involved, then you're on to the next step of leaving him. Which may be what you want to do anyway.

I can totally understand the desire to raise your child with his father, but is this guy setting the example you want for your little boy? Would you want him to grow up and treat another woman that way? Granted, the man should be able to be involved in his son's life if he chooses, but you need to do what's in the best interest of you and your child. Both of you deserve to have a man in your life who sets a good example of husband and father. You really won't be doing your child any favors by sticking with a dud just because he's the boy's father. Fortunately/unfortunately I know of several instances where the step-dad is much better for mom and kids than the biological father.

sounds like allyou have is a "roommate" doees he pay expenses? you are seeing red flags, you need to pay attention to them. you deserve someone who will cherish you, think of you before himself. stick to your decision to have him move out BUT he needs to provide financial help for the care of your son. i will be praying for your situation, God has someone worthy of you out there. J.
p.s. i'm 55 yo widow who had a marriage like your relationship then i had a wonderful man who cherished me and took care of me he died 4 years ago and i can still feel the worth of his love there are other men like him out there good luck and God bless

I'm sorry. Sounds like you have a realistic perspective though, and realize something just isn't right. MAybe an outside perspective is what you do need. For one it sounds more like you are roomates than engaged! He sleeps alone? That is just cold and seems strange for a couple on the verge of marriage. I think you already know waht to do. Your son doesn't need to see a disfunctional relationship where a man is no man to his family. YOu would be better off alone than sharing space with someone who doesn't seem to care anymore and is just hanging around. Good luck and I hope you make a good decision for you and your son. =)

Sounds to me like he don't care about you or his son! I would move out myself. You don't marry someone because it is the right thing to do or because of a child. That is all the wrong reasons to begin with. "LOVE", between a MAN and a WOMAN, thats why you marry. I have been happily married for 36 years and raised 3 boys, that are now grown and getting married. The boys are all in their 30's So, I think I know a little about love and marriage. Maybe if you move out it may or may not strengthen your relationship. But, at least you would know if he can or cannot live without you!!

Hi Mom,

Although I have not been in this kind of situation, I say, do what you have to for yourself and your son; therefore, that may include having your fiance move out. A lot of times, I see others stay in a relationship for the sake of the children but in the end children grow up and sense that something is wrong; utimately, the children end up hurting and suffering even more (not all cases). Just because you are not with your child's father does not mean that you have failed as a women or a mother, you do what you have to for yourself and your child to be healthy and happy. Remember that anybody can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy. A true father/daddy will take care of his children no matter what.

I think you have answered your own question. The choice is definitely yours,but this has been 3 years like this. If you are miserable about the relationship it's gonna show to your son whether you realize it or not. Do what's best for him that would be both of his parents being happy. A marriage doesn't change people, people can only change themselves. Maybe he will open his eyes and see you can make it on your own and you have a life with a child too. But sounds like you will have to make that step!

T. it seems to me that you already know in your heart what you need to do in this situation. Not only is it unfair to you that this man you love and have given a son to is so selfish, but it is also unfair to your son. Your son's father has forced you to become the PRIMARY caregiver for ALL of your son's needs. Children sense and know more than we as adults think they do. This man is NOT going to change. This is not the example you want to place in front of your son. You want for your son to be a positive, respectable and altruistic man. Marriage is not going to make this immature man magically become the ideal husband and father. Your fear is a bright, neon, flashing red light of danger. You will be absolutely no good to your son if you are stuck in a miserable marriage with a man that apparently does not care about your needs or feelings. You and your son deserve better! This man will continue to do to you what you allow him to do. Your roommate needs a targeted move out date. You and your son will be just fine without him. You are already doing EVERYTHING by yourself so you should have no doubt that you can provide all that your son needs emotionally, spiritually, mentally & financially. Love your beautiful son with all of your might. Love yourself unconditionally!

You have a very grip on your situation. You sound as thought you're not foolish...... Follow your heart, from your very discriptive information.......you know you must move on. A

Hi there,
I am 33 and recently went through a divorce.I have a six year old daughter and am now a single mom w/ sole custody. I am happier than I was during my marriage, even though I face different challenges now. But the most important thing I can tell you is to seek counseling immediately - for yourself and for you as a couple if possible. Having a third party involved made my picture so much clearer, and answered all the questions I had been wondering about for years. Please do take this step. I know a great counselor if you need a referral.

Good luck!

If you are at that point then you are doing the right thing. It seems that he knows that it is over and just waiting for you to say and do something. You deserve to be treated like a woman,the strong woman you are. I was married for almost ten years. Trust me you don't want to be there and have more children. You just need to sit down and tell him that if this how he is going to be then you do need to take a break and see what is out there. He is a roommate rather than a Fiance. You are strong and you don't need a man to get by. But you have to make yourself happy too and your son just look out for his interest too. No one can tell you what to do, you just decide what needs to be done and do it. You will have the support you need trust me it will be there more than you know. I hoped I helped just a little. Good luck with what you decide to do.

And it is not going to get better. The right thing to do by your son is to raise him in a healthy, loving and nurishing environment. Even if that means that you are the only parent there until the right man comes along. That will love, cherish and give unselfishly to you and your son.

You should never stay in an unhealthy relationship. You deserve the best for yourself and your son and you don't want him to grow up thinking that the behaviors that he sees are ok and how you are suppose to treat a lady.

Be strong!

Dearest T.,

Please listen to yourself. You deserve to be happy and so does your son. I feel that so many people stay in unfullfilling relationships because they feel that it's best for the children, I just don't agree with this. Aren't we teaching our children that it is okay to stay in places that we are unhappy??? In addition, children are extremely intuitive and they can tell when mom is not happy. If I were you, I would move on...you may be missing an opportunity to meet your true soul mate! I would start saving money to make a new start.

Very Sincerely,

J.

it sounds like you already have a strong gut instict about your relationship and it does not not sound like a healthy relationship. If he is like this NOW, before marriage, things aren't likely to get better.

For your sake, and the environment of your son, I would strongly look at doing what's best for the both of you...even if it means him being separated from your son. He's already NOT helping with him, or doing homework. The distance might help him to realize what he has lost and perhaps make him realize he wants to take part in his son's life.

you need to reevaluate your situation. you two are living 2 separate lives under the same roof. i seems like he wants to be a single guy and it sounds like your wantling to live as a single mom...which you pretty much are. trust marriage won't make things better...and more than likely it would end in divorce anyway. don't stay together jsut for your son. the guy is his father no matter what your relationship is with him. just make sure if you make him leave, that he continues to be responsible for his son. you don't want your son growing up in a home where there is no love between his parents. he'll grow thining it's normal, and he'll likely continue the pattern with his family when he is older. you deserve to live a happy life and so does your son.

Get counseling. Your present behavior somehow enables him to continue his behaviors. Work on yourself first. Your info only focused on what he is doing wrong. What about yourself? If you don't get healthier then you will only attract another immature guy. And sometimes they never grow up.

Follow your heart!! Your kids will notice if you are hurting and it will effect them too.

While I think the ideal home for a child is one with a mother and father in a loving marriage, I'm not sure that can be the case for you guys, based on what you've said here. A child isn't reason enough for a marriage. I think the fact that you described your fiance as "mean, immature, selfish, self-centered" says exactly what you should do.

T., I know you want for your son to have his father in is life, but if the father does not try to have a relationship with you or his son, there is a question of what does the father really want. Maybe he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know how to tell you. Pray for God to give you wisdom and guidance. And pray for your child's father, that God will open up his heart to share what is on his mind. It may not be that you two should be married, because that is a hugh step in anyone's life. I will be praying for God to give you both wisdom in your decisions.

Never get married because of a child. If you aren't happy and you settle, the only person who truly suffers is your son. It seems that you have a roommate, not a potential husband. He is a father though and needs to act like one. I suggest that you seek some counseling on how to best seperate and deal with your son so that he gets the BEST of both of you. I'm sure your son would rather have two happy parents that live seperatly than married parents that are miserable. Since you aren't married, I'd seek some legal advice on child support as well. Good luck.

Just a quick thought-First listen to what you gut is telling you-it is always right. Second you don't want your little man thinking this is how Mommies & Daddies are then he will duplicate that behavior without even know it. Thirdly, It sounds like you are taken for granted and this guy needs to grow up. I'm wonderng if making him get his own place where he will sit alone and watch TV, eat dinner and go to bed may just wake him up. You say he does this alone now but I bet having you and your son nearby is a security blanket of sorts. Being out on his own without anyone to argue with or give him the time of day may just force him to take a hard look at himself. If he stays away and continues to be a butthead there's your answer for sure-no doubts.
Best of luck.

i know the feeling. i have been in the same situation for 13 yrs. i am in the process of getting back on my feet. and moving on. my boyfriend eats separately, has own bank account, stays in the den constantly and watches tv. basically lives single. we have 2 children together. and like you i have stayed with him because of the kids. and in the long run it has hurt the kids. my kids are 15, 12, 10 yrs.old. my advice to you is to go ahead and make your move because it will never change. self centered people never look beyond themselves. you can't change him. he has to change himself. and people like your man and my man never acknowledge any wrong doing. so therefore they never change.

Hi T. M,

You have just answered your question.

D. F

Marriage is a serious and in my opinion, a permanent commitment. I know you want what is best for your son, but marrying someone who acts the way you describe would not make for a good marriage and will later affect your son. I've been married for almost 7 years and it doesn't get any easier and I married my husband, knowing that he was a good guy and wanted to be married. We all change through the years and sometimes it's hard to keep up, not to mention working to keep the spark alive within the marriage. When you choose to marry it should be because you love the person and he loves you. Your marriage should start with a strong foundation so that whatever curve balls life throws at you, you will both be more able to handle them together. I feel for you and I know it's tough, but I think your fears are telling you something. Best of luck.

T., it sounds like you already know the answer. Yes, you'll be without a man by asking him to move out. By losing him you'll gain something much more valuable: your self worth. You're too good for him! It's obvious that he has emotionally checked out of the relationship, so why hang on to him? You've proven you are ALREADY A SINGLE MOM who is strong, self-reliant, and intelligent. You have such a wonderful heart because you're trying so hard to make it work. Honey, marriage will not magically change him and you know it.

you have a good reason not to marry this person. He pays no attention to you or the child and does nothing to help you raise the child. You need to move on and enjoy raising your son without this loser.

marriage does not make things easier and if he is living a single life anyway-the best thing for your son is a HAPPY MOM besides you don't want him to grow up thinking that your fiance's behavior is appropriate-You have a roommate-in my personal opinion I'd cut your losses and let him go. You deserve a person whose greatest joy is your happiness. Good luck!!!!!! Enjoy that baby-I have two boys & they are my life! that and a wonderful husband-it's worth the wait : )

Oh my goodness! I feel your pain. It is hard to think about the father of your child not being there. but in my experiance it's better that he's not if you guys can't get along. My boyfriend is just as bad except he doesn't do things for himself he wants me to do it all. So we are no longer together. He lives with his grandmother and doesn't work. You would think he would strive harder. But I think men just don't understand and never will. Best of luck. God will choose our ways and everything will work out fine.

T., I am a 32 year old divorced mom. There are very few things worse for any child to go through than to be reared in a home that is not loving and nurturing. You are not doing your son any favors by marrying a man than is not marrying you. What I mean by that is marriage is hard. There are no quick fixes or easy remedies. You should select a partner that you can come home to and share your thoughts, hopes and dreams. Its easy to have a man in the house, but will your son have a father,a role model, or a mentor in this man. All people do exactly what they chose to do. If he is neglecting you now, what makes you think marrying him will make him a better man? I hate to be the one to tell you this but this is a dead relationship with no future. A man that is selfish will always be selfish. A man that is self-centered will always be self-centered. What about you will change him? Probably nothing. He will want to change for himself, not for you or your son. What exactly do you need him for? As a woman you can do all things. You may ask how I know so much when I too am divorced. That's how I know so much, because I am divorced. I was married for 13 years and with my ex-husband for 15 years. He left me and our kids for another woman and married her one month after our divorce was final. Talk about selfish! Well, there were signs years ago that he was selfish and self-centered. However, I chose to ignore those signs and do what I thought was best for the children. Big mistake. If you truly want to do what's best for your son, get him a positive male role model and cut this other man out of your life.

I think you should move on. In the long run it is not healthy for your son either.

I'm sorry to hear about ur situation. I'v been in ur shoes and I tell u what it's no fun and games neither. I've been married and I felt like that. What I did is divorce him and moved on with my life.
Hopefully! U won't marry a guy like that because u will be stuck then. He thinks that he has no responsibilities at all but he has a child with you and u need to remind him of that. He can pay child support to take care of that responsibility. Maybe he will change his mind when you say child support. To me a man like that is lazy and no good for nothing. That simply tells me that he dont want spend time with his child.

It doesn't sound like the right thing for your son is to stay with this man. Is he a dad to your son? A father isn't always a dad. If he truly wants to be a single man, then I would peacefully end the "relationship". Your son can still see him if that's what you want and then you don't have the stress of this other person in your home. You can spend time with your son and you may find someone who loves you and your son and eventually may be a dad to your son.
It's not necessarily bad that he wants to be single, but I don't think it's your responsiblity to stay with him just because you have a child.
Good Luck

T., I'm 51 years old. Been married to the same man for most of my life. We have 3 children & 5 grandkids. If you are unhappy now & have these questions in such a new relationship, how will it be 30 years from now? Although a relationship does take work, these early years should be the best ever. Is he your best-friend?? Does he cook you pop-corn at nite?? Your son will not be happy if your not happy.

I am a 50 year old mom with 6 children and 2 grand babies. From my experience, it is the couples who get professional help that are able to sort these things out. If he is not willing to get help, then you should go anyway. That way you can get some constructive advise and be able to make decisions that will be healthy for you and your son. Best wishes!
A.

You know the answer. It won't bring you anything but sorrow. This man is a selfish brat. Your son won't gain anything and it sounds like it could be harmful. Stay away from him and pray that he may wakeup. If he doesn't get it - find someone else. He is a jerk!!!

T.
There are so many reason why you should make things work with him but there seems to be that many reason why not to make things work. So think of it this way there should be a thousand good things you should be able to say about him (you know the man YOU LOVE) but I only read one and that is he is your sons father but rather you two are together or not he will still be a father. So ask yourself if that is the only good and many many bad is this the life you and your son should live.
Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is the way he should treat women. You can not and will not change someone if they dont want to change but you can and should make sure your son knows how to treat a lady.
Respect and love yourself and a real man will love and respect you.

Yes! I'm no counselor but my question to you is, are you willing to be miserable for the sake of your little boy? It takes more than biology to be a father or a mother. Don't think for one minute as he grows older that your son is not going to feel the tension in that relationship. Wouldn't you rather him grow up happy and treat the woman in his life like you deserve to be treated? With love and respect. It sounds like you have a roommate not a fiance. He can still be an integral part of his son's life without living in the same house if he chooses. Lots of relationships have worked that way including mine. It just took me a long time to face facts. I don't believe we were put on earth to live a life of misery. With that said, if the two of you want to salvage the relationship seek counseling. You will probably get several different views on your situation from others. This is mine. Ultimately the decision is yours. Be Blessed! And take care.

It must be very difficult dealing with this. Children learn most by observing their parents. Do you want your son to grow up seeing a father who treats his wife badly and cares only for himself? In the end, your son may grow up to be like his father and treat women like they are nothing. I know as a mother you want the best for your child and want him to grow up to be a good person. I have seen this first hand with my aunt and uncle, and believe me, much more damage can be done by staying with him than if he grew up without a dad at home. Who knows, you may meet a wonderful man who loves your son and treats both of you with respect and love. Hang in there!

I feel that it is VERY important for children to grow up with a male role model, preferably a dad in the home. However, the situation you described is not normal and your son will suffer by growing up to believe that this is normal. Do you want him to think that this is what a husband and father should do? He's young now. Move on and find someone who wants a real relationship. You will all benefit so much. You and your son both deserve more.

Life is too short. You need to love a man as much as you love your child. If you don't have that with him it is time for you to get out there and find it. There are good men out there. Don't settle for less. Your child deserves a mom who is in a happy, healthy, loving, relationship.

Sounds like you already know the right thing to do and have taken the first steps. I am very proud of you- it is hard. But in the long run you and your son will be better off! I am trying to get myself to where you are- I've been married for 2 1/2 years and know something needs to change. I adore my 1 year old and want him to be a better man than his father.

Follow your heart and instincts. But most of all follow through- you can do it!!!!

Wow, you've gotten lots of responses. I feel for you - sounds so difficult. If you want to work on the relationship, though, I highly recommend that you read a book called, "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. We've been studying it in our home group and it has really helped all of us. In particular, there's a chapter in the end entitled, "Loving the Unlovely" and that might really help you with your "boyfriend." The book is a pretty quick read and a bestseller, so you should be able to find it pretty easily if you're interested. I hope things work out for you. God bless.

First let me say that im sorry, noone should feel that out of touch with the one they intended to spend the rest of there life with. Have you tried talking to him about the way you feel? Not about what you want or what you dont like about what he does, but how you really feel? Or asked him how he feels about your relationship? The reason i ask is maybe theres something neither of you is saying. Iv been married for 5 yrs now, we got married after only 3 months weve know eachother since we were kids but were never together. The first 3 years were the worst it was so bad i regreted marring him every day. It was alot like what your discribing only on top of that, i already had 3 kids. Around the end of the 2nd year i got tired of fighting and starting trying to talk to him more, and get him to talk to me. Slowly we started opening up to eachother more and more, and over time every day got a lil better and now i dont know what i ever do with out him and i know he feels the same way cause he tells me everyday and we just had a lil girl of our own last month. So i guess waht im trying to say is before you give up, try to talk it out and really listen to eachother. Youll find out one of two things, you want to work it out and you truly love eachother or you dont. Remember that its not good for your son to see and feel that his parents dont love eachother. Staying together just for him isnt a good idea, leting him get what he needs from the two of you separately is better for him.

Hi T., if you do not feel good about this man, as he is, this very moment, after three years and a child together, the biggest service you could do for your son is to give him a happy mommy, and not just two people that had a baby together under one roof. Move on with your life, be happy without a man so the right one will come along. This man you're living with does not want this family (sorry), if he did he would be involved. He is in denial of his responsibilities by separating out all of his stuff and leaving the rest to you. Life is way too short, demand respect for yourself and allow you and your son to have a happy family life together.

It will be more beneficial for your son to see how a normal, loving relationship is as opposed to just keeping him around for your son. They can still have a good father/son relationship but if you are not happy then that does not benefit either one of you.

I'm sorry, but with what you have described I would be showing him the exit door like yesterday.

Good Luck & God Bless!

The relationship that your child is seeing is not healthy. Children learn by example, if he is a great dad that is wonderful, but if he is not treating the mother of his child with compassion, and respect and love his son see's that too. You really are going to have to decide what is best for you and your son. It sound like to me that he has already made his choice now it up to you to make yours! I Wish you the best!

you say you want to do what is right for your son, and then you say that his father does not help with him or spend any time with him. what is the point of you two being together than? it sounds like your relationship would be the same if you were not together, and then you would be free to meet a new person to spend your time with.

Hello T.,

I have had experience with both ends of the spectrum on this issue. I married, had children with and divorced someone with whom I had a terrible relationship. I raised those children on my own. It was hard, but I believe it was worth it. I am now married to a wonderful man who shares in everything equally. He is a great father and a very good stepfather. You nor your child deserve to be treated poorly. It if far better to parent a child by yourself than to subject them to a tension filled, bad relationship.

Good luck!

T.,

Go to church, ask God for direction, find a Godly counselor that can truly look at the details of this situation and not give advice on a few paragraphs.

You most likely already know what the answer is, accepting the answer is typically the hard part.

Seek God so you put yourself in a position to seek right relationships.

Best Wishes

This is prbably something don't want to hear, but it sounds like it has been over for a while. Trust me, this is from experience, it is easier when the child/chilren are younger, your son will be better off if you separated now. My ex-husband was doing alot of what you are talking about, he would come home take a shower, get ready and go out. Let me tell you, nothing breaks your heart more than having a 3 year old stand at the front door screaming for their daddy and he still leaves. Now I am happily married with a 3 month old daughter. I have been married to this man foor almost 4 years! My guess is you knew it wasn't going to work and didn't get married for that reason.

T. been there but not to that extreme. Just because someone helped you make a baby does not mean he is a good mate for you. It is like I heard from Dr. Phil....would you rather pick up now and have happy days by yourself or would you prefer another day with someone that neither appreciates nor deserves you. If you move this individual out of your way then the Lord can send you the person you are supposed to have. He is blocking your blessings. period. Also your son will have more respect of you when he gets older to know that he came from such a strong women. I have seen/heard it from countless adults that have no respect for the parent for staying in relationships for kids. I believe it is an excuse b/c of fear of the unknown. Step out remember the first step is always the hardest. Be blessed

If you are able to make it on your own, please do. It is so much better to be out of a relationship than to be in one with no love. I'm there...and I'm married. If you are not able to make it on your own, find a way! Your son will see the way his father treats you and think that this is a normal relationship because you accept it. You know you deserve better.

Hi T.!
I've been where you are. My husband and I are currently separated because of some of the same things. He is extremely selfish, very immature, and didn't really understand what it meant to me in love or totally committed to his family. He thought that there was something else out there for him, so he told me that he wanted to explore those options. I fought hard to make it work because we do have a daughter; she's 14 months. I wanted her to be raised in a home with two parents. I finally realized that by my staying in a relationship where I was not being respected, I was not setting a good example for her. She needed to see that her mother was strong enough and confident enough in herself to leave. She doesn't understand it now, but she will someday. Does it hurt? Yes, it hurts like hell, but I'm becoming a better woman for it. My ex-husband thinks he's going to find something better and I'd like to see him try, but I try not to dwell on it. I focus on bettering myself and being a great mother to my daughter. You are going to have to make that decision for yourself, but if he's immature now, he's most likely not going to change. If he's selfish now, he's not going to change. If he's uninvolved now, he's going to remain uninvolved. One thing my mother always told me was that no matter how hard we try, we can't change a man. You're son will be fine and it's up to your fiance to make sure that he has a relationship with his child; not yours. I have to tell myself that on a daily basis. To wrap this up, you have to do what's best for you. If you're doing that, then you're doing what's best for your son. You are no good as a mom if you're sad, down, and upset all the time. What's best for T.?

First of all no couple should stay together for the sake of the children. I know first hand, this hurts them worse than splitting up. Your children see how miserable you are, they will grow up thinking that is normal. There are so many great guys out there, why should you live like that? yes its going to hurt for awhile, but you will move on. I promise.

You might want to do what you think is right for your son. BUt ask yourself this question, does he get the love and affection that he needs from his father? Sounds like to me that this father is not really a father just a male person in his life. STOP thinking about how your son will not have a father around. And think about yourself. Alot of mothers stay in a relationship because of the kids. BUT, your kids also feel and know things are not right. I divorced my husband of 7 seven years when your daughter was 2. I have been divorced now for 14 years. I live for my daughter. Her father has been in and out of her life and she has had some issues, but we deal with it. I could not have stayed and make it work for the sake of our daughter. Think about this if you stay, and try to make it work your son might get some of his bad habits on how to treat a woman. DO you want this?

And remember, we learn a lot about relationships by seeing the ones we grow up with. It's difficult, but important, to live a life that is an honest example of what you want your children to use as a model for their own future.

I wish you all the clarity, patience and communications necessary for repairing your current situation...whatever solution you reach.

I have never been in that situation but my heart goes out to you.

I just wanted to let you know that your son will be just fine if you two end up separating. My parents divorced when I was 4 and while it was hard at the time I can see now as an adult that it was the best decision they could have made. Not only for themselves but for me also. Your son will feel the tension between the two of you and he will grow up thinking that is how a relationship is supposed to be. It sounds like he could use a better example.

Best of luck to you!

Give him 30 days to get out, and then if he doesn't, you leave. Some men aren't cut out to be dads, and if he hasn't come around by now, he never will. Do it now before the baby gets really attached to him, which is the problem I have. My husband works too much, and is moody much of the time when he is here, but the children are older, and think he hung the moon. He can take them to the park once every 4-6 months, and he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I'm the mean old mommy who won't let them stay up late, or eat snacks all afternoon! It sounds like your guy is passively, trying to push you into leaving anyway. Have him pay his child support through the court system so you don't have to call him every month. Enjoy raising your child, without him growing up seeing an unhealthy relationship. You may meet a wonderful man some day who will show both you and the child the love and attentiveness that you both deserve! If your son sees you unhappy all the time, then he will become a sad little fellow too.

Hi T.. I am sorry that you are dealing with this, but you need to face the truth. Any man that is doing his own laundry has a reason for doing so- he doesn't want you to find anything he doesn't want you to see. You are right- he is living the life of a single guy. Do you want your son to think that is how he is supposed to act when he is in a relationship? I am sure you don't. I know how terrible it feels to fail at a relationship, but I think it is your best bet to call it quits. I hope this helps...

oh girl
hi my name is S. i am 29 i have 3 boys i have been married 2 times i know your saying gee 2 times lol anyways first off i want to say i am so sorry for what you have to go through and then i want to say you are a strong woman that can make it on your own look at your self right now you are pretty much doing it allon your own anyways
you said you want to do whats best for your son right and i really understand that but heres the thing your son is going to grow up seeing how his daddy treats his mommy and in the end all its going to do is hurt him why you ask because he will do the excact same thing because he grew up learning what he saw the best thing for you to do if you want to do the best thing for your son is show him the right way there is nothing wrong with being a single mom raising a child as a matter of fact i have heard from children that were raised by single moms ending up doing better in life just because the mom stood up and said i am going to make a dif. in my childs life
trust me i know a part of you wants to be with this man because as a woman you dont want to be alone but if you dont do something now esp. when you see that he is living a single life then down the road when you have been with for another 5 years and your son is old enough to start disrespecting you and well 8 years of your life has been tied down to pretty much nothing your going to look back and say why did i not do something back then
i am telling you this because i too was there i thought to my self no one is going to want me i have been married not to mention i have kids and so on but you know what i was wrong someone did want me and excepted me the way i was and my kids i now have more then i have ever had i wasted 8 years of my life all because i thought i could or make it on my own and i tought i needed my husband to make it 8 years
so if this helps you any there is hope out there and you can do it but if he is living with you and acts single then really he dont care at all but you have to make that choice no one can make it for you
S.
ps if you ever need to talk i am here

I just broke up with my fiance. We had been together for 3 years also. We did not have any children together, but both have a child from a previous relationship. I could have wrote your entry myself (except my ex did not sleep in the other room, but i sure wish he would have). I did everything for the kids, house, finances, you name it. I felt like he treated me like a glorified laundry mat. Keep in mind that if you stay with him, what your life is like now is how it will be for the rest of your life. He isn't interested in having a "family", or he would make you, your son and your home a priority. My advice to you is to cut your losses now. 3 weeks after I told my ex to go away and stay away, I put in an offer and purchased my first home and moved out of the crappy rental house I was only living in to accomodate him. It's amazing what you will be able to accomplish without the weight and stress of him holding you back. Your son should be the center of your universe, not this jerk who is only there because he is obviously taking advantage of the living situation he has with you. If your son is important to him, he will do the right thing and be in his life. But i wouldn't let him stay in the house and take advantage of you one more day because you want him to live close to your son. Good luck, and i will keep you in my prayers...

First of all I have been through a bad relationship and I stayed for the kids. I will never ever ever suggest to anyone to EVER stay for the kids. WRONG THING TO DO!!! I now realize that things would have been so much better for them if I had left when they were younger and they had a decent life. I can see why you would be scared to marry him... with good reason. He apparently doesn't want a "partnership". You don't need that life for your child. Your child will follow by example. Why don't you start dating again and forget that loser. You will find someone that loves you for you and loves the child as if he were his own. Next time don;t be so quick to jump in the bed and have a child. You have heard the old saying, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.
You are above that and shouldn't have to sell yourself short in that way. Find a nice man and have a normal and loving relationship and marry first and life will be so much more wonderful. But dump the "single" wanna be guy and chalk it all up to a lesson learned. You don't need it. He doesn't care about you or the boy.

If he's not being a good dad then saying with him "For your son" is the wrong thing to do. some day you might/will meet someoneyou and your son will both love