Can I Screw up My Daughter If I Marry Her Polar Opposite?

I agree with some of the previous answers that I could not be with someone who didn't like my kids. At the very minimum I think you should wait until she leaves for college or moves out on her own to marry this man.

You might screw you up. I am not a counselor in any way, but I lived with a man that my children really didn't like. When I finally ridded us of him, they felt free to tell me how they felt. How will you feel being in the middle all the time? Good luck with this one.

I don't think it will screw her up, but will any of you be happy? will you be happy stuck in the middle trying to change them both so they get along? will either of them be happy trying to change in order to get along or walking on eggshells to avoid arguing?

I think it could screw her up if you don't handle it right. Like one poster said you will be in the middle, so you have to set the boundaries right away. Is he going to have any parenting responsibility? What does he have a right to expect as far as things that are done his way? What does she have a right to expect as far as her ability to just be who she is? Are his expectations too great? Is she taking advantage of a "this is just how I am" mentality? How are conflicts going to be handled? Who is doing the disciplining? You kind of need to have this stuff figured out. What you can live with and what you can't. Talk to her and talk to him and see where they stand and if there is a middle ground. If there is, at least that's a jumping off point, but if there isn't then that could signal problems.

It would be hard to be married to someone who didn't like my kids. They are a part of me, so for me that would mean they didn't like me and something I helped to create. You will have to deal with those feelings, too. So I would do a lot of talking and maybe some family counseling before I took another step forward.

Why would you marry someone who doesn't like your kid?

She's 13... unfortunately this is probably just the beginning of clashes. Even if he was her biological father - in her life from day one - this is a tough age. Yes, you had her first, but you need someone on your side. If this is the man you love and want to be with for the rest of your life... your life's partner... someone who loves and respects you... that will ultimately serve as a model for her future relationships. She will move on in a few years... go to college and build her own life. You deserve to be happy. Don't make the mistake of letting her rule your life. You're the grown-up.

She is a teenager, it's not her job to like your fiance. Your fiance, however, is an adult and he needs to snap out of his childish opinions if he really dislikes her. You are a package. If he can't do more than "tone it down" kick him to the curb. Your daughter deserves a stepfather who loves her and understands her issues.

It sounds like you have alot to figure out before this marriage should happen. I too married someone with a child and it is alot to take on. You've got to make sure that person is willing and emotionally able to do this. You say you recently moved in together, see how that goes for a long while and see how it goes. If you say you don't think your fiancee likes your daughter, you're already off to a bad start. Your number one priority is her and you have to do what is best for her and if it means this isn't the man for you, well you deal with it, the well-being of your daughter is first.

On the other hand, things could go amazingly well. But you have to be of the mind set that this is a "trial" time and see how things go. Goodluck

My opinion: She's 13 and is entering a phase where she won't approve of anyone. I think someone that can offer structure, routine & take charge is just what she needs. I'm not saying she's a bad girl, obviously I don't know her. They will likely butt heads on a lot of issues but in the end I think it would be more good than not. Good luck & congrats!

Sounds like a war in the making. It sounds like you are going to have to choose between your daughters happiness and your own. You are in the middle no matter which way you go. It is entirely up to you if you want a marriage of war or happiness.

Begin to go into daily Prayer that is the only way to know.

You can never force happiness and getting married is easier to get in to than get out of. Saying that your fiance has "toned it down" really isn't saying much as people don't change overnight and it's convenient to make changes to get what he wants but after he gets it - he will more than likely return to who he really is. Then you are stuck in the middle of miserable. You take the risk of being made miserable by both of them. You know the answer to this - you just don't want to face it because you want others to blame when things don't work out - strangers of whom you are asking for advice about a serious situation. I can guarantee you that a man you describe as an A-type personality, a little OCD, very structured, LIKES TO TAKE CHARGE is NOT going to put up with you or your daughter. It's going to be his way or the highway and you are potentially setting up a controlling abusive relationship for both you and your daughter. You never even mention how YOUR relationship is with this man or why you are with him or anything love related. I don't feel that you should let your daughter run your life but I also feel that a right relationship would be one that is understanding and accepting and have the ability to work with your daughters idiosyncracies. I speak from experience - and I hate to sound harsh - but you are involved in a relationship that has the potential to cause all involved major stress and heartache. You asked so I'm "assuming" you want the truth -if not please accept my apologies for being so frank with you as it is not my intention to judge you or your fiance - just give you an honest answer to what I have lived through and what a former friend of mine is currently going through. She is not permitted to be friends with me after she married a man as you have described and he has done nothing but tear her down and make her conform to HIS idealogy of who he wants her to be. She's miserable but still trying to convince herself that one day it will all just magically work out. It won't.

Hi D.
I am no professional, but I am a mother and I have kids. Your daughter is at a very vulnerable age at the moment and should be your #1 priority. If you have doubts about them getting along I would not do it. You might want to try counseling to see if they can ever get along.
Good luck with this.

Life is full of people who are polar opposites. My parents were polar opposites and married for 49 years. I loved my husband to death, he was a starter but it tooks months to finish anything. I would beg with him not to start the project if I didn't have time to finish it, like replacing the kitchen cupboards, painting and wall papering a room, etc.
Do you love him? Is it possible she would clash with anyone you were interested in spending the rest of your life with? If he is willing to make the effort, and you are willing to make the effort and commitment then she will adjust.
No, you will not "ruin" her life. You and your man are aware of the situation, your daughter will need to make a few adjustments, this is true, but she will have to continue to make adjustments and compromises for the rest of her life. She may as well start learning to do it now.

D.,

I did not see anyone else mention this, but you should be aware that children who live with men who are not their fathers are at much higher risk to be abused by them than if they live with men who are their fathers.

Given that you know that there is already an issue between the two of them, you should be very sure that your daughter is safe and not ignore anything that bothers you about his interaction with your daughter, even if it is only verbal interaction, because that could cause her some psychological harm.

Since you have indicated that she has ADHD and "tells stories", she may be more apt to be affected by a negative experience, particularly if she has to live with it every day and has no escape. She is only 13 and this is not a level playing feild for her, she needs you to make sure that she is a priority.

Even if you don't marry this man, I would suggest that you get her some help from a good set of professionals so that she can improve not just your imagae of her, but her image of herself, and then, you will have little to fear from any source.

M.

In a word, yes.
Until your daughter is eighteen she should be your FIRST AND ONLY concern and you are asking for big trouble as she is just starting her teen years, and don't you think she will have enough changes in her life with going through puberty etc. without having to cope with a "new" parent who is so very different from her????
How about living separately for the next 5 years so she can go through to eighteen without added stress and conflict?

As a former stepdaughter I can honestly say that yes, you can screw her up. Not what you wanted to hear, I'm sure, but it's the truth. Please PLEASE refrain from marriage with this person until your daughter is 18 or drop the relationship and move on.

You explained my father with your fiance and my 16 year old sister with your daughter. They get along but when they fight, it's big!! I do not think you will screw her up. Just realize how different they are. Allow her to have the rules relaxed a bit. Explain that to him in the beginning. If you get married and all of a sudden her room and bed has to be made daily, that will make things worse. I would make sure that you do not make your 13 year old adabt to his lifestyle in full. If you agree with it, that is okay. But if she does or doesn't do something she used to do and he doesn't like it, take a step back and think about whether or not it's that important. You need to make yourself happy but you also need to make sure your daughter is loved and provided for. Having her like you (and your new husband) is just a bonus....

I think that before you marry your fiance or even continue living with him, the three of you should go to family counseling. Do they just clash because they do or is there a genuine dislike because of things that have happened? I think that if this is handled the wrong way, it could having lasting effects on your daughter, but at the same time, if your fiance is a good man, you love eachother, and he makes you happy, you shouldn't have to give that up. Good luck to you!

I feel bad for you. You are definitely in a tough spot. But at this point your first priority has to be your daughter. Have you taken her for help? (I'm sure you have but just throwing it out there) Maybe when she's older and on her own you can marry this guy. If he's worth it, he'll wait for you. Hang in there. The only reason I say wait it because I have seen things similar to this before and they have not always worked out. Better to have your daughter's back - she'll always remember that.

My first thought when I read your request, was how can you be with anyone who you believe dislikes your child?

You might consider waiting. I understand why you might want to live with your fiance and get married soon, but I am personally quite concerned that, by marrying this man, you will be sending your daughter a message about where she ranks in your priorities, and putting up a wall between you two. Thirteen is a difficult age - you may not have to wait until she is eighteen, as she may do some growing up in the next year or so that will enable you to marry the man you love then.

You also need to step it up. Family counseling is definitely something you should consider. I don't think the personality types are the issue so much as your future husband's inability to work with your daughter. Not that your daughter sounds blameless in this, but it's asking too much to ask your daughter to change at thirteen to make family life easier. My uncle, who raised two step-sons as well as his own son, and now maintains a very close relationship with all three (even though his step-sons' mother has passed) always said that there is a certain age after which a step-parent needs to be a friend and not a parent. Thirteen is certainly too old for your daughter to accept your fiance as a parent-figure, and if your future husband is trying to assign chores and discipline to your daughter, he is making a big mistake. He needs to be an authority figure, of course, and demand the same respect that your daughter would give any adult, but he should not be telling her what to do (teenagers don't like that from their own parents, much less someone who isn't their parent).

You need to sit with your future husband when your daughter is not present and decide what chores she will do, and then it is up to YOU to make sure they get done. Discipline is also something that you can discuss with your future husband when your daughter is not present, but you need to be the one who handles it. There should not be anything significant for your husband and daughter to butt heads over. Then, even if your daughter never really learns to love this man, the family should be able to co-exist happily and peacefully.

I wish you the best of luck.

All 13 year old girls are lazy and like to sleep in. All of their father's hate it. Telling stories is something she needs to learn not to do, it's the same as lying, and its wrong. If having him around helps her to become a better person, then go for it. Biological families have different personalities and we learn to get along. They also will learn to get along. There is a difference between disliking your daughter and disliking the things your daughter does. If he doesn't like the fact that she is lazy and lies, that's understandable. I don't like that about my children either, so I try to change that. I think that maybe you need to have an honest conversation with him about your daughter and how he really feels about her and her behavior. Then you need to have a conversation with your daughter about the same. Then maybe a family meeting where some rules are laid out and expectations set. If you all work together toward the same goal, and no one has to choose sides it can work.

Before you get married and subject both your daughter and fiance' to each other and disrupt both their lives I would suggest that you all go to counseling. Again I say this go before you get married. Its going to take some give and take on everyones part. But seeing a counselor and hashing out how you are going to disipline your daughter and how your fiance is going to handle his personality. You cannot just subject you daughter to his schedule. But knowing how you and your daughter and your finace are going approach things before they become an issue and having a roadmap in place will help your daughter to step up and him to step back. She as a teen needs to start relying on herself and needs become more independent and he needs to respect that and let her solve her problems rather than fixing it. Also since he is not her parent, it is not his problem to disipline her or take resposibilty for her issues. That is you and her fathers job. When a stepparent and a child learn to respect each other she can find that she has both a friend and ally in him. And she should feel comfortable bridging subjects with him that she may not feel comfortable bringing up to you or her father. Such as asking why boys sometime act like they do. But they have to build that relationship and they both need to work together to do so.

As a woman whose parents divorced and then later married others, my perspective is from your daughter's side. I'm not going to tell you whether to marry him or not. HOWEVER, IF you decide to marry him, then you ALWAYS need to be the one to deal with her. He should not discipline her. If he has a problem with somehting, then he should talk to you PRIVATELY and then you talk to her or talk to her together, with YOU doing the talking. YOU are her parent and it is YOU who must parent her. I had resentment towards a step parent for a very long time because this was not followed.

This can be started now and see if the clashes diminish over time BEFORE you marry.

Hope this helps!!

I have a blended family with 6 kids and LOTS of personality types, yet we all get along amazingly well. Even traditional, biological families can have different personality types, so I don't think that's the issue.

Having a stepdad with a different personality type won't screw-up your daughter. However, having a mom who doesn't prioritize her happiness might.

I was a single mom for 3 years, and I can honestly say that I would have never married (or even lived with) my current husband if my girls didn't absolutely love him.

You have a lot of responses already and I haven't read all of them so if this is a duplicate I apologize. I have no first hand experience in a situation such as this so I won't try and give you advice. But I do want to ask you - Do you truly believe you can make the marriage work if your fiance and daughter are always at odds? I would think that this situation could put a LOT of stress on all of you as well as the relationship.

HI D....i think yer gonna get alot of different answers there. 1 important thing here..at least yer going into this with yer eyes open. i think you need to talk to both of them seperately, and see how each of them truly feels about it. yer daughter is 13, she is too young to fully understand the full complex nature of all this, plus she has a 13 yr old attitude( can't blame her)..I think yer daughter can adjust, just make a few simple things clear from the start, namely you love them them both, this is important to you ( but yer daughter is more important), and you can not be put in the middle. But on yer fiance's side, he is an adult, and he needs to be sure he is ready for this. he needs to love yer daughter, and not take it personal when she doesn't return it. And he has to except the fact that yer daughter is who she is, she has her own ways, you and yer daughter may even have yer own routine and way you are with eachother, you and yer fiance can not ask her to change any of that. And i think if your fiance is prepared, and accepting things will be fine. ( you can say yer prepared, but alot of stuff is gonna come yer way you were not expecting). alot of this is from personal experience. Oh, and if he dislikes her..then the answer is NO..yer daughter should be raised in a home where she is loved, where she always feels safe and wanted. That is her home.

Sorry to say it, but I personally could never marry or even be with someone who did not like my daughter. I remember when my parents got divorced and my mom told me that if she was ever seeing anyone that made me uncomfortable or unhappy to let her know and she would fix the situation, course I was not a child to take advantage of the situation either.

I personally know of someone whose mother and father both married people that the son did not like and that did not like the son. I hate to say it but those relationships have NEVER recovered and I don't think that they ever will.

I hope it all works out for you and I understand that everyone is different. I just know that for me my duaghter comes first in every situation.

Good luck!! I am sure that you will make the right decision for you and your daughter.

You are making a very smart decision by deciding to live seperately from this man for now. I married a man who my daughter is also polar opposites with. And coincidentally she has ADHD too and he is very structured. They fight all the time and he favors the son we have together over her. Good luck and I hope in the long run everything works out for the best.

I noticed everyone was quick to say the fiance should love your daughter, however I wonder how much of their problems revolve around control issues! She may see him as the person who gives you a backbone! You say she is a tad lazy and tells stories and I am guessing you have allowed this to go on. Probably to make up for being a single parent? Now along comes the fiance and his personality is to take charge and you probably like that it takes some pressure off you! He isn't tired from doing it always so he is a bit more strict! This is what causes the problem. I think family councilling before marriage would allow someone with nothing to gain to lend a little insite into what is going on.

yes and no. If your fiance will not be understanding of her condition and will pick on everything she does then you will end up with a child with issues of low self esteem. If your fiance truly wants to be a positive influence on your child you will do counseling for both to help them develop some type of respectful relationship. Remember he is supposed to be the adult here and put a child's interests before his own. If he can't do that then you will spend the rest of your life being a mother to 2 children. DO u want that?