Seeking Help with a 17 Year Old Live in Stepdaughter!

It is sad that most people, myself included, treat strangers with more respect than we do our family and loved ones. I agree with others that your husband should demand that she show you the same respect that she would show any adult. However, I do not think thay it is somethign that HE should handle. Parenthood stopped being a "solo" gig when he asked you to be his wife. He should also respect you and your feelings and be willing to do whatever is takes for the pair of you to work on a resolution to the bitterness in the household, when it comes to your stepdaughter. Easier said than done, I know...especially when I hear it coming from me. who was my mother's nightmare growing up. Perhaps her anger is not directed to you as a "person", but to a "mom" she might be afraid of losing?? Give her some time to deal with any anger or fear, but do not let her attitude control your life. You are the only one in control of your own feelings and reactions. I suggest not letting on that her behavior affects you so much.....as that plays into any rebelliousness in teens....they will do it more if they know it bugs you. Been there, done that! Best of luck to you!

Teenagers & Step Parenting. Wow, that is a big set of shoes to fill. (I have a soon to be 17 year old step son)

It is great to hear that she is still daddy's girl, but it's sad to hear that hubby isn't being a good team player. I'm sure that makes you feel like your stuck between a rock and a hard place? (been there done that) So, it's time to rebuild your team!
Here is what I did... maybe it'll help you!

First I had to get my partner to be on the team with me. We went out on a few "dates" to get to know each other again. (psst,gave us alone time and together time) After I had a few talks with hubby, we had a lot of feelings, emotions, and goals in common. We figured out a route plan. Once we started implimenting our plans together. Our teenage son didn't really like all our plans.
(but what teenager always agree's with there parents)
Once my son realized that we WORKDED together as a TEAM, and we agree'd with each other. He slowly ..and I mean slowly has learn to appreciate my role as a step parent. I'd love to say it's a fairytale land and there isn't problems, but we still have our disagreements. The bonus part is.. Hubby and I still go out on little dates to work up a resolution to the issues that come up. Still keeping our team work together, and implimenting our goals for family, and life!

With this plan in action, and our teamwork together. It has not only helped with my step son, but our children we've had together.

Ooh,and my parents always said.
"IF you were to like me all the time..I would be doing something wrong."
"But as long as we agree to disagree we'll always work out the problems"

Good LUCK!

In some respects he is right. I have a 12 yr old stepson that we just got custody of 2 years ago. He doesn't hate me, but he is deceptive and his mother interferes in MANY aspects of our lives. So I can understand where you are.

At the same time, I think your husband should portray a united front. He should demand her respect of you. She doesn't have to like you, but she has to respect you. Her behavior will start to affect the way your other children behave and treat you. If for no other reason, he should demand her respect for you.

T., you are in a very difficult situation but good news, you are more in control than you might think. Back off your stepdaughter. Let Dad handle whatever may come up. Once she sees you relaxing about everything, she will too. At first she might be curious as to WHAT YOU ARE DOING, but let her be curious. Who knows this just might spark a new and long lasting friendship between the two of you. Just be loving in all situations and be there silently until she comes asking for advice. Thank GOD that she is taking some responsibility with her education and her job. She has a full plate and at 17 she is still trying to figure out where she wants to go in this world. No drugs and no sex, A GREAT BIG DOUBLE THANK YOU LORD. Enjoy your other children too, they are little for such a short time. We as parents, step-parents, grandparents or friends can only love each other through the good stuff and through the tough stuff. I beleive this advice will also help you and your husbands relationship.
Blessings

T., having gone through pretty much the same thing with my son without the support of a spouse I can only share what I know. I was married a short while during my son's adolescence and the one thing that was important was that me and my husband were a team. Children...no matter what there age want parents...not adult friends and so I do not believe in step parents not having the authority and privileges of the biological parents. That is your house, your marriage and your family and you have to let her know that she is NOT running it. You say she is 17 and very smart and mature, so she knows exactly what she is doing and she'll go as far as the both of you let her. Excluding you from the process and waiting her out will only deteriorate your marriage and sanity. Set bounderies and give her options.

There is a quote that says something like, people who act out the most, need the most love...so love her up. Let her know that regardless of her position, you love and respect her and will continue to do so. However, that doesn't mean shower her with gifts and relax your boundaries. My son hated me... or so he said. However, his issues were not me but being abandoned by his Father. When you are abandoned by a parent, your brain says, "He/she left because of you...you are not worthy...and so everyone will eventually leave you. So why not just push them away first." I dug my feet in and let him know at every turn that I would never, ever, ever leave him. He's 21 now and still struggles with his esteem but I do not doubt that he knows without a shadow of a doubt that I am his ally. Lastly, do not discount family therapy. We accessed services through Haven House in Raleigh. The have a Family Preservation unit that comes to your home for counseling during crisis times like this. Karen Goodman-Sansom saved our family. I will keep your family in prayer.

Y.

Have you said something lately that she heard that might be affecting her feeling towards you? I agree that she should respect you but to I would let him handle. I am also the mother of a stepdaughter and I let him handle those issues with his daughter and her Mom. I do demand respect and if there is an issue I will handle it but also let him know so he can back me up on it. You guys can try counseling but the last thing you want to do is let this affect your relationship with you husband.

Give her some space and pray - these are difficult years for any mother/daughter. My daughter is almost fifteen and she and I don't see eye to eye a lot. I know it must be difficult being a step mom. Try to see life through her eyes and choose your battles carefully. Most of all try saying 5 nice and complimentary things to her everyday for each 'piece of advice'. You may be surprised. Most of all be patient and remember you're the adult, choose your words very carefully and let her know that you love her. If you can't speak the kind words to her, you might write her nice notes and leave them where she will find them. Some of my best conversations with my daughter are through text messaging - I've had to learn to meet her on her 'turf' and it seems to help

Ok T.,we all know that "leave her alone and there will not be any problems" is not an acceptable answer. We all have baggage, however it is past time that you and your husband have a talk. This child, because she still is one, is driving a wedge in your marriage. I'm sure that, (I hope)you have already spoken to your husband about how you feel. Have you considered counseling from a clergy or family counselor? You have to start with your husband first. Remember that line in your vows, "Forsaking all others"..something like that. (smile)You, both have to be a united front. As long as she knows she can get away with it and your husband will side with her. She will continue to do it. Teenagers are also very strange creatures. Take back your household. The last time you checked, there were two adults living there. Everybody MUST and WILL abide by the rules of ALL ADULTS.

T., T., T.... WOW, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. Except the situation is reversed. My son is the one treating my husband bad. The thing is, my husband is a child psychologist (or he was until he went back to school and got another degree).... this is what we do and what he says.
He says that if he interferes and tries to be a 'dad' so-to-speak that it will only make it worse. My son has said all the things to my husband and has been ugly and disrespectful too. I think that you are causing alot of your own anxiety and this is why. If your husband says leave her alone then just do it. Don't try to be her friend, don't do anything for her, do ask where she is or where she has been and don't even ask your husband about her. JUST TOTALLY IGNORE EVERYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH HER. If your husband says anything about it, just say, you have told me to leave it alone and there won't be a problem,.... well she has let me know that I am not her mother and she doesn't see me as a parent so you two are on your own. I have my own children to deal with. Then tell him and her (when and if the subject comes up) that you are tired of getting your feelings hurt for caring and trying to help, that you feel you are being disrespected and nobody cares... then tell him so now he can deal with it. She isn't your problem anymore. He wanted you to leave it alone so you have. Then I would tell him that if he has a problem with the kids you birthed together, let you know, otherwise, she is not your problem and you have been told to stay out of it so you are. AND THAT IS THAT.
Now what my husband says is it is the AGE. I don't care if it is the age it isn't right and I know it hurts you and my husband. You husband feels sorry for her because of what she has been through so that is why he is not coming down hard on her. As long as she is a good kid (no drugs, or sex and is working and making honor roll) then he is going to let her be.
I know it is hard and you really just want to help but the best thing that you can do is stay out of it. Tend to your own kids and leave her alone. You husband will notice it and probably say something to you then you can say just what I said above. Just be patient. It won't always be that way. As she gets older she will see that you and her dad love each other and she will appreciate you and appreciate you giving her, her space. Think of it this way. Without being a part of her life, you have alot less to do and alot less trouble in your life and MORE time to spend with just your kids.
Good Luck!

I would suggest that you sit down w/ your husband and daughter to have a conference. Let it be at a time when there has been no arguing or problems amybe like a Sunday afternoon. Let them both know that you understand their bond but that you all are a family and there are some guidlines that must be followed. Lay out your guidelines concerning respect ie: no talking back, no staying out w/out letting soemone know where you are. Your husband is rigth back off a little and give her some space. I have 2 teenagers and they go through a phase where they like their privacy. As long as she is doing well in school and you do not suspect drugs or promiscuity she probably is o.k. Your husband is not going to admit that he has anxiety over his previous relationships so it is up to you to be the peacemaker in your home. gc

You have to follow your husband's lead, and unfortunately if he's not willing to step up and make his daughter respect his wife, you can't change it. You've told him about the problem, and you've gotten his answer; if you keep on him, he's going to take it as nagging and will shut down. Her behavior is unacceptable, but if he's not willing to make her change, then change won't happen, so you need to back off and let her be what she is--just make sure you don't let your other kids pick up on her bad habits of disrespect.

A couple of books I would ***strongly*** recommend you and your husband getting are "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Meg Meeker, and "Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo. They seem to be *precisely* the sort of things that would work in this scenario.

Actually, I doubt it is what you think it is. She probably doesn't hate you. You're the closest thing she has ever had to a mother, so you have to deal with that role. Which is exactly what is happening. She is 17. This is the fun age. She thinks she can do whatever she wants and obviously she has Daddy wrapped around her little finger. That's why she seems to be more geared toward him than you. Not because you are the STEPmother. It is because she knows she can what she wants out of him. The stepmother part is just her tool to manipulate the situation. Go about this like she were your daughter biologically. Inform your husband very firmly that this is not an acceptable arrangement. You have raised her for years. You love her like your own. She is a member of the family you and your husband have built. She is yours and you have a say. That's that. Tell him HE WILL compromise with you and you will sit there and keep him up all night if you have to until he agrees to talk to you and come to some sort of agreement on how to raise and handle YOUR daughter. She's just at the age. It's time to deal with things head on. He cannot undermine you with her, otherwise raising the other children will be difficult. Point out how he would feel if you said "No, just leave my 8 year old alone. I will be the only one who deals with him. Stop picking on MY son." Etc. ?? I imagine he wouldn't be too keen on it.

That said, as far as you and her, like I said. Every mother goes through this with her teenage daughter. You do need to give her HER space. (Keep in mind, I am not saying she doesn't have to tell you where she is going when she leaves and things like that. It's your right to know.) However, she wants to recognized as an adult. She is not giving you problems anywhere else. Make sure she knows how proud of her you are. Try to talk to her about typical things. Like college, boys, school, work, the kids, or girly things. If she seems disinterested or bothered by talking to you, back off.

Secondly, Do NOT get upset with her. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed by her attitude, make an excuse to leave the room and collect yourself. Always smile. Laugh. Joke. If she acts like what you just said was the dumbest thing in the world, laugh about it. If you are constantly good natured, tolerant, and respectful of her, if there is no tension because you wont let there be, then after a while (anywhere from weeks to months, but it will happen) she will come around and start treating you the same way. Respectfully and good natured.

Best of Luck!

You care much more than any other step-parent I've ever seen. Most of the time there is resentment on both sides. Your husband should be very proud of you. I have found, however, that parents "take up for" their own children no matter what age they are. Even tho they know better, they pretend their child is "wonderful," "perfect," etc. There's no way around that, and they will deny it if you mention it. What you are doing is the best (and hardest) way to handle the situation....just try to be a part of her life, let her know you love her and care about what she does. She will come around eventually. I wouldn't mention anything that happens between the two of you to your husband....he'll hear the only side he wants to hear anyway (her's) and, like you said, the more it's mentioned, the more bitterness it will create. It's hard...very, very hard...to raise someone else's child but it seems you are on the RIGHT track! Best of luck.

I have worked with a lot of youth and there are some things they need. One, they need to be loved, two, that they are able to do something, that they are important and of worth. At 17, she is seeking her independence just like a two-year old. They are going through the same phase. Tell her you love her and want to help her, spend time with her, do things with and for her, "just because you love her". Remembering all the time, she is going through this phase. You have known her for 5 years, there should be a relationship you can build on and things you enjoy doing together. Your husband has asked you to back off from being her mom because he wants to do the disciplining, but you can still be her friend and let her know you care about her. It's going to take a lot of prayer and tongue biting on your part to not say anything that won't help the situation all the while you are remembering that you are the adult, you need to act not react towards her. In our home, it is a matter of courtesy to let the adults in our house know where everyone is going in case of an emergency or safety reasons because there are so many crazy people out there. Also, maybe you can communicate to your husband that you need his help in showing respect to you because your boys will learn to respect women from the way your husband treats you or allows others to treat you. Hope some of this helps.

Dear T.,
My heart goes out to you. I'm a stepmom too. I've been on practically all sides of this issue, having had now 4, yes FOUR, stepmothers and 1 stepfather. First, you and your husband need to have a united front-so somehow you two need to work things out. She definitely should respect you. However, she's 17, a TEENAGER!! Remember she's got hormones going crazy in her body. It sounds like she's basically a good kid, getting good grates and being responsible, so I'd give her some space and maybe more than you are generally comfortable with. But just back off and show her that you're willing to work with her as she's becoming an adult. I'm sure she's got a lot of baggage from her younger years and she will probably need some therapy for that, but seriously, just back off, give her space and love and don't take things personally.
Good luck!

I'm sure her anger, although, directed at you, comes from her own mother abandoning her. More then likely, she probably needs some sort of counseling in order to rid her self of that anger. Try not to take it out on her; I would still bake her that cake for her birthday. In fact, I would go all out for her birthday. I know it seems now, everything you do is for nothing, but down the road, she will see that you stood by her even when she was at her worst and YOU never left her. She was only 8 months old when her mother left, but the feeling of "what did I do to make her leave"; even though she did nothing probably lingers in her mind subconsciously. You are a good mother for being concerned. I agree with your husband with letting him deal with her. But if the situation is as it is; that's probably the best way to handle it as you have 3 other kids you need to take care of. You keep showing her you care and maybe explain to her that when you do ask where she is it's because you do care and that you love her. Try and show her you would like to be part of her life. I'm certain she will come around; unfortunatley, it may be later than sooner. Good luck and God Bless.

Although I am not in your situation I understand your feelings. Whether your stepdaughter wants it or not (she is the child), you and your husband need to come together and if not agree completely on discipline; at least find a compromise. Your life sounds busy but if you find some time, check out the library for parenting books/discipline issues. Wake County has an online catalog; so you won't even have to leave home to search for a book(s). Good Luck :)

WOW! I don't have teenagers, but I would say back up a few steps would be good. DOn't push or she will just continue to push back. I would also pray on this one, and maybe try to find something you can do as friends. If she is a good girl she needs a friend more than a mother. GOod luck, P.

I think this really needs to start with a conversation to your husband. Until he puts his foot down and doesn't let her do these things, I don't see why it would change. I have a 16 year old daughter and we have had our problems and they only got worse until my husband put his foot down and let her know he will ALWAYS be on my side. Once she figured she couldn't turn us on each other things got easier. You have to work together on this one.

I feel you should leave her alone. You can not make someone like you nor can your husband. You are not her mother so stop trying. You have 3 other children and a husband to love and respect. Put your energy there if you
want your marriage to last. Please leave her alone you are pushing her away. Try to listen to her and show some her compassion. After all this is her home to.

As a daughter watching her half-brother dealing with a step-dad (my father) that he didn't like (and I adore him), I say give it tie and patience. No, I haven't been in this situation, but I know that it was hard on my brother. I was daddy's little princess, and while my father always treated my brother well and he loves him, there was always this feeling he had that i was being treated "special".
The fact that she's a teenager don't help. I know at times I was extremely difficult, even though I was a model student, worked full time, never did drugs, wasn't sexually active until nearly 18, I had a smart mouth, and often resented my parents for questioning where I was and with who.
Also sit down with your husband and tell him that you want to be an active participant in your daughter's life. Just because you aren't her flesh and blood mother doesn't mean that you don't love her like your own. Tell him that you are concerned for her, and worried about her.
I would also suggest that you sit down and talk to your step-daughter. Treat her like an adult. Tell her that just because you are asking about where's she's at and who she's with, it doesn't mean that you are suspicious of her, just that you are concerned, and whether or not she considers you as a parent, you do love her like your own, and want what's best for her.
I hope this helps. Take care.

I have a 19 year old stepson who has been with us since he was 11. (I have been in their lives since he was 3). I know exactly how you feel. We went through the same things that you are. The absolute best advice I can give you is to go see a counselor so that you and your husband can get on the same page with the way you parent. I always felt that my husband was not hard enough on his son, and didn't monitor him enough, so I took that upon myself. All it did was create anger and resentment in my stepson and my husband and I fought about him often. Once my husband and I began to see eye to eye, he took more initiative and I could work on 'just being there' for his son. Hope this helps. Our lives as a family turned around tremendously due to the counseling.

My advice is that you and your husband sit down together and have a long talk about respect and how to discipline your stepdaughter. I have a 12-year-old stepdaughter, and my husband and I have had MANY, MANY talks about her. She is very disrespectful at times to me and her father. But my husband and I have agreed that if I discipline her or say something to her that he doesn't agree with, he will not say anything to "correct" me in front of her. He will take me to the side later on (just the two of us) and talk to me about what he didn't like that I said or did and then we will come to a compromise on how to handle the situation better in the future. The same goes for him. If I don't like something he says or does, I talk to him about it later on without my stepdaughter around. I don't know if your husband does this or not, but, if he "corrects" you in front of your stepdaughter about how you need to just leave her alone or how you shouldn't discipline her, etc., then (in your stepdaughter's eyes) that takes away your authority as a parent and as an authority figure. She will think that she only has to "listen" to her father when he disciplines her, or she will try to play you and your husband against each other. Even though my authority has been well-known for some time now, my stepdaughter still tries to play my husband and me against each other. I guess all kids try to do that at one point or another. But you and your husband definitely need to be on the same page together. You need to know that you have his support in helping to raise his daughter. I think that will help a lot.

As far as her treating you like a second-class citizen in your own home, I totally understand that part of it. My stepdaughter goes from totally hating me to totally loving me. When she is loving, she is a very loving child and would do anything for you. But when she is hateful, she is very hateful and looks at me like she could stab me in the heart. We have great times, but we also have awful times. I have learned with my stepdaughter that she really needs someone to listen to her. She is at that age where she has tons of different things going through her mind at one time. And she has a ton of issues (ADHD, ODD, Borderline Personality Disorder, plus her mother has TONS of issues herself). For the last several months now, she has been wanting to talk to me or her dad a lot. And I have noticed that everytime after we have one of our mother-daughter discussions, she is a lot more responsive towards me and is a lot more respectful of me.

I think you should try to talk to your stepdaughter and basically let her know that you love her and want what's best for her. Tell her that if she ever, ever needs to talk to you about something, you are here for her and that you will listen without prejudice and without giving her advice or getting mad. But also let her know that you understand that she is 17 years old and needs her space. Tell her that you will give her her space but that she needs to respect you also by giving you some respect as her stepmother. And then just leave the lines open. Unless she blatantly disrespects you or causes any trouble, I would try to just leave her alone and let her come around to you. She is 17 years old so she is almost grown. You can't really make her love you, but you can make her either give you the respect you deserve as her stepmother or not say anything to you at all. Just think, if she decides to just leave you alone, at least she will be out on her own before long. And, once she gets older and has a family of her own, I bet she will come back to you and tell you that she was sorry and she knows that you love her and was trying to do what was best for her.

I hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of ramble. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I understand how hard it must be to raise a child first off that is not your own and second off that you didn't have a part in raising until she was 12. I have always heard that the first 6 years of a child's life are the building blocks for their personality. It is really hard to come into a child's life when they are 12 years old and try to step into the stepmother/mother role. Believe me I know! My stepdaughter was just barely 7 years old when my husband got custody of her. It has been a long, hard road to travel.

I hope my advice helps you.

K. F.

It probably has alot to do with her past family relationships, but that may not be the only reason. I treated my own parents much the same way when I was her age, and I grew up with both biological parents. She could be taking out her normal teenage aggression on you, solely because of the "step mother" excuse. See if you guys can ride it out, she will most likely come around ( I did!).

As your husband, he needs to support you. But he is not doing this, and the stepdaughter clearly knows this as well. So it's you against the two of them, and the longer it goes on, the worse it will get.

If he doesn't respect you, how will she? While it is true she is his child, and he should handle the discipline if it is possible, under no circumstances should he talk the way he does to you, in front of her, or give any indication at all that he does not totally support you.

Since he does not do this, and obviously the daughter knows this, her behavior is just the end result. No big mystery.

Unless someone your husband respects (a therapist?) can tell him what I've just said (because clearly, he doesn't give a whit what you think about it), things will not change.

In that case, I would advise you to distance or detached yourself from the girl. Do as the American Indians do and treat the misbehaved as if they do not exist. No rides no talk no nothing. If she wants something from you, she will need to work for it. Otherwise, TALK TO THE HAND.

Sorry :(,
C., RN

Hi T., This young woman is doing fine physically, socially and academically and wants space from you (very age appropriate). Her father does not see a problem either. So, the real question is, what is it you are wanting from her and from him? If respect is your quest, then you must first focus on your respect for yourself. Where are you not taking care of yourself, your needs. You cannot change this situation by pushing harder, only by turning your energy away from things over which you have no control and toward yourself (over which you have total control). This is not easy at first, and yet, quite doable. Let me know if you need more help in this area. A. Accad, 'The De-Stress Maven' www.ailaspeaks.com

Hang in there! Your husband should support you and make sure his daughter respects you at least outwardly, but as a mother to two daughters who are now 21 and 19, I can tell you 15 -18 is a really hard time for girls and "moms". I do think you have to let the biological parent be the primary one to enforce rules and hopefully he won't let her get away with too much. You have to make sure they don't stray too far, and trust me, 99% of teenagers are doing more than you think.

I was divorced when my girls were 3 & 5 and spent 8 years as a single mom. I remarried a great guy who had no kids and my girls liked him until we moved them at ages 11 and 13 two hours away from their father (who is no longer in the picture...really bad situation) and their friends. They blamed their stepdad and pretty much detested him. That was really tough on our marriage. We had a son together who is now 6 and he has helped form a bond for all of us. Now that both girls are off at college and have had a chance to grow up a little, they both appreciate me and their stepdad. He was always there for them, but I was the one to enforce the rules and issue the punishment. They both came home this past weekend and both gave their stepdad a hug! She will come around. Don't force the relationship at this point, but don't let her bully or b***** her way out of your lives. I told my youngest daughter plenty of times, "I don't care if you like me or not, I've got plenty of friends."

I came from a split family, which was very hard growing up. The advice that I am going to give you is strictly on how I felt when I was in your stepdaughters situation.
I can remember loving my stepmom when my dad and her were dating. Once they got married my feeling towards her changed. I guess it was the change in itself. I felt like I had to share all of my time with my dad. They never had children together. Just their own from previous marriages.
I think one of the biggest ways to help cure this is for your husband to spend time with just the two of them. He needs to find out what is bothering her about you.
I know you want to be a parent to her, but she is so used to only having one-her dad. I would say do as your husband says. Give her space. I think once she's grown up a little she will come around.
If her dad won't talk to her why not suggest a counselor? She may need to just vent to someone. Either way I think you should put your foot down with you husband and tell him that she needs to atleast be respectful because of the example that she is setting for the other children in the house.
I hope this helps. Good luck!

You are trying too hard and expecting too much. I am a stepchild and my step monster was 19 years younger than my dad. At first I liked her, but then it seemed that she was stepping on my toes and my dad's attentions were going to her and he was ignoring me. I was also a good girl, in honors classes and working part-time. No drugs nor sex on my agenda. My step was forcing her self on me and she was nothing but a sneeze older than I was. I just wished she would back off and ask my dad to support me more often. I wanted her to suggest that he take me out for a father daughter day rather than pay attention to all her complaints about me.
You are too close to the situation to see how you are causing most of the problems. They have been together a lot longer than you have. If you are not strong and do not humble yourself, you will cause the failure of this family. I know you might hate to hear this, but it is time for some chicken soup for the soul. You also have to take into consideration that she is going through her highly emotional teen years. If she is not a bad kid back off. If her dad asks that you let him handle her, let him. If you want to know where she has been ask dad, he is handling it.
If you do as I say I promise, she will come to you. Always show her you love her, but don't push. Give her unexpected hugs, say "I love you" and walk away. Once a month, on different days of the month (so it is not obvious), slip a card under her door with some words of wisdom attached to a book, or a journal, or nothing at all.
If you are wondering, my stepmother and I speak now on a regular term. But no she did not do all those things. That is why it took until I was thirty to be able to speak to her, my father married her when I was 9. How long are you willing to wait?

OMG! He is not standing up for you at all, is he? Take a back step and look at your relationship with him. You might can coast through the issues with her, teenagers go through difficult phases, but he should be giving you support.

I agree with your husband. Let him handle it. Her behavior sounds pretty normal for a teenage girl. Try not to take it personally. Teenage years are difficult. Just try to remember what it was like for you.

Christian family counseling.

T., You say that ou used to do things together and get on. This sounds very much like my relationship with my own daughter at this age. We fought, we stopped speaking to each other for days at a time, and her Dad couldnt understand the problem between us UNTIL IT STARTED TO HAPPEN TO HIM TOO! That threw him, they used to be such buddies. This sounds like a 'normal' relationship between Mother and Daughter at this age. There are no hard and fast solutions as all individuals react differently to situations, but try to be patient with her, dont push her, when she needs to vent, or a shoulder to cry on, offer yourself but dont be too upset if she ignores your offer. Just be there for her when she does finally turn to you again. The more you push your help or advice, at the moment the more she will go in the opposite direction. Try to treat her with quiet dignity, respect her space, cope with her apparent hatred, by the time my daughter was 19/20 yrs she was all shouted and screamed out. We are now good friends, she will be 24 this coming May. When she starts to turn on her father too (if she hasnt already) you will have to help him also to deal with his feelings of anger, frustration and confusion. Be strong, be dignified and above all, be there. Good luck, J. B

Hey T.,

It occurred to me reading your post that maybe your stepdaughter is somewhat jealous- you said her mom left when she was an infant and she has seen you in the mother role since she was 12 and now you have new babies of your own with her dad and you are obviously a caring mother. Maybe it triggers something in her to see that her siblings have a mother who is present for them and didn't desert them. If you had a good relationship when she was younger and things have changed as she moved into her teens and you started having your own babies, I think this is worth looking at. Ultimately, I think you should give her space and not try to force her to "respect" you- that will only cause more resentment. If you allow her to feel her feelings without getting triggered yourself, I believe she will come around in time (although it may take longer than you hope). My experience was that the more my stepdad tried to force me to respect him and put himself in a father role, the more I resented it, especially after he and my mom had their own son. My sister and I always felt that his son (my half brother) was always treated like the Golden Child who could do no wrong and my sister and I were constantly punished for the most minor infractions. Maybe this is not the case in your situation and your stepdaughter is treated the same as your own children, but she might not see it that way. If you can allow her her process without inflicting your own stuff onto the situation, I believe it would resolve more quickly. If your husband tries to "demand" that she respect you, she is going to resent not only you, but her father too, for she will feel like he is taking sides and she is being made wrong for feeling like she feels. No one is wrong for their feelings, including you. I know it must hurt to be going through such difficulties with a girl (nearly woman) that you love, but if you respect her space and her feelings, I believe it will get you much farther than "demanding" anything from her. Just my two cents...

I was a step-daughter and resented my step-mother for no reason at all except that I was hurting and feeling unloved (my real mother died when I was born). What I "saw" was my father bending over backwards to embrace his step children and his new children, and I felt abandoned. It wasn't until I was much older that I could see from my parents point-of-view and recognize my self-pity was driving me away from everyone. The one thing that could have helped back then was affirmation that I was loved.

My suggestion is to pray for God to give you opportunities to express your love for her. If you can admit to yourself that perhaps you do not love her as much as your other children, ask God to change your feelings until you can love her the way God does. Have patience, like God does when his children turn from Him and do not respond in love...He never gives up on us!!! Look forward to the day when your step-daughter is grown and mature enough to be your friend. Meanwhile, do the best you can and demand nothing in return. Be there for her when she runs into hard times...and she will. Give, give, give, and respond to her as you would like her to respond to you. This of course is impossible in your own strength! Only the indwelling nature of God can produce genuine love for another. Trust God for all wisdom and opportunities to show her unconditional love. Be patient and wait!

Bake the gal a cake and forget how she treats you. I'm about to marry a man who has a 5 yr old daughter who is going on 20. She is and has always been "princess" in everyone's eyes. I have 6 children from a previous marriage so I can relate to very busy homes. There is something that I always try to remind myself of when I find myself stuck in the mud of difficult relationships (ie stepdaughters) that in the end when I look back I want to feel that I did the best I could regardless of what they did or how they responded to me. Its hard to transcend these problems when they are in our own homes but truth is showing her love as you would "your own" regardless of how she treats you will give you peace even when there is not much to be had. Allow her the space she feels she needs from you and allow her father to be the bridge. It love for him that brought her into your life. Allow love to cultivate the relationship by letting go of any ill feelings you may be harboring about past dealings with her. I imagine your a fantastic mother and step mother. Its sounds like you try your best to bring positive feelings into your home by not bringing any negative words or feeling about any of the children residing in your home. Young children and teenagers are afterall works in progress so sometimes we have to excuse the dust and wait for the work of art to manifest itself. Keep up the good work and don't let it bog you down.

I too was dealing with the same situation . Same age. But she was charging at me .So when I told her I was going to hit her back if she touches me she told her counselor that it was dangerous to live at my house( we had her everyother week ). So of course the counselor made a decision to call CPS and report this . She ( the 17 year old) beats her mother up on a monthly bases mind you.And her mother has had to call the police on her twice. And also beats up her 14 year old sister. My husband was saying the same things to me So I LEFT MY HOME it was only then that he saw what she was doing . A harsh move yes but we now are a team and she doesn't come over anymore. You are lucky you dont have her mother in the picture cause I do and it just makes it worse. Good luck the Bible says honor thy husband & Wife when you get married you stand together as one . Divided we stand alone! Good luck to you .She must respect you .

Believe it or not, your husband has a point. The more you get into it with her, the more she will reject you. You mentioned that you want your husband to demand her respect for you...unfortunately this is not possible. He can say all he want to that he wants her to respect you, but this is actually causing a power struggle. Once you begin the power struggle, you have lost. "What's the worst you can do to her", is what she could say. Instead of power struggling, demanding respect, and you possibly believing her with that "you have never been a parent figure",...back off a bit, be encouraging, leave her nice notes without asking or looking for a response, give her compliments, and remember this....ALL BEHAVIOR HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND ALL BEHAVIOR HAS MEANING. Something is going on with HER to act this way. Maybe she has resentments that other girls have their biological mothers and she doesn't....maybe she is jealous of the time you spend with the little ones....maybe she feels crowded or needs more time with dad to become grounded with the family again...only she knows(or maybe she doesn't).
This is a tough time for teens...almost of age to be on their own and be responsible, but legally unable to. Be patient with her and kind to both of you. Most likely she'll come back around with space, time and kind words.
Good Luck

Sounds like your stepdaughter is a) being a typical teenager b) being difficult because she's been ousted by 2 new siblings she has to share her parents with and c) aware that causing drama with you stresses out her Dad and is testing her limits like every other kid in the world.

She sounds like a good kid (works, gets good grades) so I have to wonder whether or not you're just mad that her Dad doesn't take your side all the time. That's not really fair. YES, she should be respectful of you, but I'm fairly certain no teenage girls are respectful of their parents all of the time. I know I wasn't at that age. I was the queen of eye-rolling and telling my Mom to butt out. And I turned out all right. When she's rude to you, you need to deal with it like you would any other person who was rude to you. Don't expect her Dad to control her. Tell her, quietly and calmly, that you don't appreciate her attitude and that she has hurt your feelings and she can find you in the _____ when she wants to apologize or talk further. Don't fight with her, and don't expect her to behave like an adult because she's not.

I would also suggest you look at her situation from her point of view- her Mom abandoned her? Dad remarried and divorced? Dad remarried AGAIN and now she has 3 new kids to deal with 24/7? Sounds tough. She's probably jealous and insecure, and with good reason. Try to reassure her that you love her anyway and so should her Dad. You chose her, so you have to work it out.

You and her Dad should try some counseling sessions. Good luck.

First of all since the father has had her all of her life I would let him take on that responsibility, seeing that the young lady does not fear you. Put the pressure back on him. Mens do not like pressure situations so let him deal with her and her only. As far as your other children, learn from this stituation and do not let her come between your husband and the other children. She is probablly mad at the fact that its been her and her father for so long and she may fill that you all do not love her anymore because of the add children that came after her. And you also have to look at the fact that her father is telling her something that he is not discussing with you. She is almost an adult and nothing is going to change now she will have to learn to love you on her time. Nothing that you do will make things easier other than you backing off and let her see you for the good and not for the hate that she has for you. Your husband has to know that you have his back on this and in saying that back off and let him see his daugher for who she really is as and adult and not as a child. As long as he see her as a child he will treat her as such. And in closing please put GOD first and everything will go smooth.

T., I feel for you...I think that your 17 yr old needs extra attention and one on one time with you. I know you said that you have gone places with her but now has no interest...BE PERSISTENT.
You are the only mother figure that she knows, forget that you are her stepmother. She is afraid that you too are going to leave her; so she doesn't want to get too attached to you. You need to reassure her that you are not going any ware.
I don't know what the vibe is in your home? if it is tense? calm? I don't know? We as mothers have the power to control our environment, yes you are that strong of an influence in your home. If you are unhappy everyone around you is unhappy they can fell the vibe. If you choose to be happy no matter what, you will be contagious in a good way.
Be calm, show love towards her and those around you,let your eyes and actions express that. I don't know if you are religious? I am a Christian and one of the things that I believe in is Charity.
" Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet! Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other." Marvin J Ashton.
I read that every day and try to live by it. It is hard work but it is worth it.
About your Husband he is a typical male. I grew up with men all around me and trust me I know men.
I don't know when you approach your husband with a situation what is his state of mind? there is a time and a place of being approached. For example if he just walked in the house and is bombarded with problems he is going to wish that he would had just stayed at work. On the flip side of that, If he walks in the home and is greeted by his loving wife looking hot and with a pleasant vibe about you, he is going to be very happy to come home. After he has eaten and rested you can tell him how the day was and let him know lovingly and being sensitive towards his feelings that you truly love the 17yr old and are truly concerned that you are loosing her and that is not what you want.( I wish you luck)
I would take advantage that Valentines Day is tomorrow and prepare something real nice something that you know your husband loves. His favorite dinner, Perhaps a full body massage? and going down memory lane to rekindle those feelings. Don't let bad feelings get in the way.
For your kids also let them know how precious they are to you...write them a letter, bake them there favorite treat. They will all love you for that.
Good luck and I'll be praying for you. I hope that I was able to help and forgive me if I offended you.
Your Friend, and a very happy mother and wife.
S.

Hi T.! Read your story and felt compelled to respond. Don't take all this personally. This is a typical 17 year old girl. I have three and am holding on dearly to my 13 year old that is slowly switching over into the dreaded teenage years. though I am sure there are many factors that add into this situation with her being a step-daughter vs. your daughter she really is acting typical. I agree with your husband to let him handle most of the bad behavior - though you must demand respect I believe he is the one that has to step up on your behalf and demand it from her. Hormones are raging and this too shall pass. Take a deep breath, pick your fights and talk to your husband about taking a more supportive role so your children see you working as a team rather than separate sides. Good luck!

I personally don't have any experience on your end, just on hers as a teenage girl with a mom. (yet, my daughter is 2). I am a late bloomer, all of my friends have teenage and grown children, so I have seen and heard about this situation.
You are going through what any mother of a teenage daughter goes through. If she were biologically yours, you would still be going through it. It is a mom-daughter teenager thing. From what I have seen and was told, you can expect a teenage daughter to distance herself from her mother in her teenage years, BUT she will find her way back in her early adulthood. My mother and I fought like cats and dogs. All of my female cousins and their mothers fought like crazy too.
The advise my friends and family have given me for when my daughter reaches this stage in her life is to "leave her alone", just like your husband is telling you. Basically, if she isn't on drugs and doing good in school, then let her go her own way and just try to survive those turbulent years. (and be thankful that your other children are boys, because they don't do that to their mothers). I wonder if your sd has a relationship with her bio mother? Don't be discouraged if she gets along with her bio mother, it is just because she doesn't live with her. And think of it this way, she is treating YOU like a bio mom, like a normal teenage girl would.
I have at least one friend who has a teen daughter and they are like sisters. I don't know how she did it, so I guess there are situations that are reversed, but for the most part it is just like yours. Have no fear, it will end soon, just don't do anything now that you will regret later.

M..