Seeking Help with 8 Year Olds Behavior Problems

Well, I have gone through the same thing and still going through it with one of my stepsons. I have done the counseling and read the books so here is what I find that works. First your daughter is still young and even though she may never say it she still has that picture of you, her and your ex in her head,and all of you adults have screwed that up. To her you have all lied, let her down and dont care about what she thinks. Dont get me wrong, that is NOT what you did, its how she sees it. My daughter is 15 now and was 9 when I remarried, he also had 2 boys from his first marraige 4 and 8. After some counseling we have figured out a few things....one, the step parents DO NOT do any of the discipline with your daughter, they can teach her, help her and correct her in minor situations but when it comes to the big stuff only MOM and DAD handle it. Two... As far as your ex saying that she is not that way at his house, please do not beleive that. She is eight and is starting to learn how to play people against each other, also if she displays them at your house and school then she does it at dads house as well. Three...Be firm, consistant, and mean what you say. Children need guidance and thrive off of structure. They do not know how to put things in place or fix things they count on us to do it for them and right now her world is very out of shape and she is struggling to put it back together...help her. Get her a journal, make mommy time once a week, keep open dialog with your ex husband and put a plan in place. Start slow..chore charts, house rules and what the consequences will be if they are broken. I know this all sounds silly but it does work. good luck and keep the faith...wait until she is a teenager...LOL!!!

A mom in your shoes
D.

Hi T.,

I actually sent out a request for help myself regarding my 8 year old daughter. I am a single mother of 2 girls 8 and 3, My daughter was 6 months old when her father and I split and when she was 8 months old I was dating my ex-husband. We divorced 2 years ago and she always had her father in her life and still does but my ex-husband was her buddy and now that were not together he really doesn't see her that often. My 3 year old is his as he see's her everyday. I find from 7-9 to be tough. They test and test all the time. When I was that age my mother had put me in counsiling to help me with what ever issues I was experiencing and I am calling my daughters school so that she can speak to the school councelor at least once a week. Maybe that will help your daughter. I also am dating and have been with him for 1 1/2 and my daughter has tryied to break us up and everything else thinking that will bring back my ex-husband, she almost succeeded at one point we had seperated for a couple of months and realized her relion wasn't a personal thing on my boyfriend but that of wanting what she was used to back. She is also very mean to her little sister. So good luck and I have also been told that it will get better just be strong and try to stear them in the right direction and don't give in, munipulation will only last so long with her step mother and her father. My daughter does similiar things to her step mother. Good luck and if you ever need to chat my email is ____@____.com

My goodness.... I wish I could give you some helpful advise, but I too am in the same type of situation with my 8 year old son. I hear that girls are worse though, so god bless you for hanging in there.
The only thing that I have found that is any bit helpful is just giving my son space and time alone. He is a introvert so when he does get time alone, he comes out of his mood and realizes what he has said or did and apoligizes.
Your daughter I'm sure, as mine is just venting and going through the seperation thing between you and her dad in their own self destructive way. Try not to take things personal, Eventually she will move forward and realize her behavior is wrong.At least this is what I find w/ my son anyway. Getting him to stop is another thing all together with us.
Good luck.

My son is 8 years old. He is my oldest of 3 (I have 2 younger girls). He has ADHD, and exhibts some of the same signs that your daughter does. According to his ADHD counselor, anger issues and a low toleration for frustrating situations accompany ADHD. I would have your daughter tested. Since my son has been seeing a counselor that specializes in ADHD, the anger tantrums and the low toleration for a frustrating situation have all but gone away (unless he's tired, but I'm cranky when I'm tired too!).

Hope this helps!

It sounds to me like she is mad at you for "leaving her" she probably wants all of your attention and now that she is older and can think in a different way she doesn't want to share you with a new "daddy". She likes her step mom because if like you said lets her get away with more of course she is going to like as much freedom to do what she likes. She now lives in two worlds one with you as the mean mother who is trying to make her do things she doesn't like and the other where she gets away with whatever she wants. What she needs is consistancy. She just wants to have things her way. Even though you have been remarried a year, you are still adjusting to a new life with a new husband. Although I am sure you are paying as much attention to her as you can she still feels that now you replaced her daddy with "this guy". She is probably mad at you over that. She probably blames you for breaking up the family in the first place since I am asuming your ex moved out of the house and he let you keep staying where you are. It is just a guess on my part about that. But if I am right, she thinks you are mean for making him move out. I think your ex's new wife is trying to earn brownie points with her and is trying to be her friend rather than another mother who has to disipline your daughter. I am not an expert on this I have just lived 54 years and have gone through a few things. Although I have been divorced I have had quite a different situation. I had two boys and we divorced because of financial and controlling issues. There was never any remarrying on either one of us, infact he died and I am still single after 16 years. So my boys never had to have competition from other people wanting to be there for them. But from what I have seen over the years and knowing about kids somewhat having raised 2 boys on my own. Even while we were married I was raising them alone. He was never there for any of us. Anyway, if all 4 of you adults could get together and agree on the way she is disiplined would help. I think that if she sees all 4 of you acting the same way towards her she would see unity not disharmony. I know that is easier said then done and getting everyone on the same page is not the easiest thing to do. She has to see am I am sure you have tried, to show her that she is as important to you as much as your new husband is. I know it is not easy adjusting to all of these changes and it is even harder on her. She can't go on thinking she is in control or it will only get worse as she gets older. And having a teenager is hard in the first place. She will eventually be one and if she sees how easy it is to manipulate people now, when she is a teenager she will be harder to control. Everyone must agree to the same rules and abide by them. All the adults must put their foot down when disipling her and sticking by what they say. No one can say one thing and as soon as she acts up let it go. Keep on being the same with her. She has to see that her step mother is going to say no and mean it just as much as you do. I know you can't make a grown woman do what she should do, but somehow she has to understand that she also has to put her foot down and not let her get away with things. Well, I hope this has helped. I wish you the best in trying to get this solved.

Hi T.,

I know how difficult your situation is. But please know there is hope.
I too went through the exact same thing with my sons. I was divorced when they were 5 & 3..... not sure if it had anything to do with it...
One of my sons have ADD..... and the other didnt... they BOTH acted up...so I am not sure its all due to ADD.... but you still might want to talk to your childs doctor to see what he or she suggests and go from there.
I am here for you if you want to talk more.... we could trade horror stories !!
My sons are older now... and its all good in "that area"... so please know it will get better... (but the sooner the better ... right?)

me

got a 9 yr old that acts like an angel in school but a witch at times at home.i just let most of it go in 1 ear & out the other cause at that age snce they are preteens they try to push your buttons..sounds like the father has custody?let her know hitting is not allowed & have her it & think..plus counciling is a good idea..my daughter is in counciling at school for issues like that i wish you well just rember they grow up so fast

Hey T.!
My 9 tr old was pulling the same thing - I just simply??? ntold him how thing s worked with me and at my house - it doesn't matter sbout anywhere else. I schedule - on paper - for her to follow and extremely detailed but clear expectations about everything she does at your house and at school. Charts help immensely.
It took alittle while but my son now sees how much more calm he is at my house- how much more dependable things and people are at my house because he knoes what to expect - that consistency is what children need to feel secure, belive me she will see the difference and to your benefit.

the charts do work pretty good. i used them with my sons and they could earn points for small rewards and the rewards were family oriented like play a game of their choice alone with mom,or a trip to the library. they had chores and wanted behavior on the chart. we even included daily goals(those were bonus pts.) it took approx 2 weeks for my older sons behavior to turn around. another thing maybe family couseling with your husband, exhusband and his wife. she needs to see that your all on the same page because she'll keep playing this game as long as someone is giving into her. good luck!

SEND HER AWAY FOR THE SUMMER!!! Just joking, but seriously, maybe sometime away from you guys with an older person will help her. A friend of mines parents got divorced and she was really disrespectful as well. Her mom sent her to stay with me and grandmother for the summer, and i think the time away from the situation, where it wasn't in her face all day and she didn't have to think about it, helped her alot. Also, my grandmom talked with her about the situation and it was an unbiased conversation. Also, have you and your ex tried talking with her together? Hope this helps!
Peace