Can You Share Your Stories?

One of my childhood friends had a wonderful step-mother. She disciplined with love, taught them, went on activities with them, basically treated her step-kids with kindness and just like their were her own. Even now as the kids are adults, they still love their step mom. It is possible!

Both of my step parents came into my life after I was in college.

Initially, my mantra with my stepdad was "he makes my mother happy." But unlike many people, he got nicer with age. And he loves that I call my sons his grandsons.

My step-mother, well, I call her my Bonus Mom. She is amazing. She has been there for me when I needed adult parenting. She listens. She shares. She has stayed up all night talking with me. She has a gentle way about her when she disagrees. She is amazing and my dad has NO idea how lucky he is to have her.

All that said, even as an adult, is can be hard to be a step-kid. I think it's important for step-parents to remember that. It's complicated, with contradictory messages.

This is actually my father's story...

When my grandmother found out she was pregnant with my uncle at 18 (in the early 50's) she got married to my grandfather. He was a nice guy, but they didn't really love eachother and she acknowledges the fact that if the situation occured today, they never would have married. Fastforward 7 years and two more children later... he was having an affair and she was miserable. They divorced and shared custody of their three children.

My grandmother didn't date and wasn't interested in meeting someone, esecially as a divorcee with three children. She was working as a clerk in a store when my grandfather, Ed, came in. They started a conversation and chatted weekly when he came through on his sales rounds. At some point he asked her out and she agreed.

My father still recalls the day he met the man he calls "dad". He was little, just turned 4 when Ed came to pick my grandmother up for a date. My dad and his brother and sister were all scrubbed for bed in matching jammies on the couch waiting to "say hello" and then go to bed. Ed walked in with a football and my father will tell you that it was "love at first sight". He didn't try to "win them over", but asked the boys if they wanted to play catch while their mom got dressed. That night, instead of going out to dinner and a movie, he suggested that they eat with the kids and maybe go to a show after. That was it!

My biological grandfather was a good father to his children, but not in the day-to-day things. He died when my father was 17, so I never knew him.

Ed is the man who chased away the monsters at night; did homework at the table; took his family to Mass on Sundays; made sure that everyone had the sports equipment that they needed; attended EVERY basketball game (including his college games); hugged him when we were born, held my mother when her parents died; kissed 26 grandchildren within days of our births and has created a sense of love, compassion and loyalty among his children that I have never seen parallelled... 5 of his "own" and 3 "adopted"... but you would never know that. No one says "step" or "half" in my family and they never have!

Oh my goodness, do I feel your pain. My Mother started dating husband #4 when I was 15, I absolutely hated him, he did nothing, but I loathed that man. My mother even moved in with him and left me in our old house! I went out of my way to make him miserable, I broke things, stole money, embarresed him. It was horrible. But that man persisted. My own father left me when I was 4 and signed off paternity, so I never had anyone. I even showed up to their marriage in my soccer uniform! It only took about 6 months and his unconditional love broke through to me. Over time I fell in love with him. I am 28 now, and he is my best friend. I have been able to go to him for YEARS with my problems, sit on his lap and cry, and he held my first daughter literally right after she was born. He has never lost hope in me, never put me down. He has shown me the meaning of unconditional love. Not to ramble, but my first born daughters dad left us, and I met my now husband when she was 2. He is all she has ever known, and their relationship is beautiful. I am so blessed to have not only the best dad I could dream of, but my daughters have one too!

Hi L.,

I can't tell you about my parents (they were both bio.) but I can tell you about my husband.

I left my first husband when my oldest son was just shy of 2 and when my second son was still in the womb and ended up in a battered women's shelter. My ex-husband sexually and physically assaulted me in front of my oldest and I was terrified that if I stayed I would lose the child I was carrying. After that experience I was happily single for almost 7 years. I was pretty sure I would never marry again. THEN I met my husband.

When he came along my kids were 8 and 6. He married us and sometimes I swear that for him it had to be like being jumped into a gang. "You can be a part of us but first you have to prove you can take a beating." It was a rough few years but he never gave up. He loved them and played with them and parented them and he stuck it out with me, too.

Now my boys are 19 and almost 17 years old. They love their dad. They readily accept that they have two dads - the biological one and the one God gave them to fill in all the gaps left by the other. He has loved and supported them and while they tested him, he stuck with it. We have 5 kids in all now and he tells them regularly that they are just as much his as the other three and that he doesn't care who started the job, he is more than happy to complete it.

My ex didn't make it easy. He was full of ridicule and criticism and regularly pitted them against ther step, but it didn't work. Honest unconditional love will win out everytime because actions do speak so much louder than someone else's nasty words. My family is living proof.

Hope this helps raise your spirits,

L.

I am the product of a step family. LOL! My parents divorced and both remarried. My sisters and I lived with our mom and step-dad for the duration of our childhoods. It was and still is the greatest family anyone could ask for. My step dad has 3 daughters of his own and we were 3 more daughters. Yep, 6 gals. LOL! Plus mom makes it 7. Heck, even the cat was female. Anyhoo..... if you ask him, he has 6 daughters. Not 3 daughters and 3 step daughters. He has always always always made sure that everything was fair across the board for all of us. Nobody recieved preferential treatment. It really was great growing up in his and my mom's house and I am proud to call him, as well as my bio dad, "Dad." When I got married, I had both my dads walk me down the isle. I had both of my bio sisters and my 3 step-sisters in my wedding. We are all very tight, close and now that we're adults, we're more best friends. It's wonderful. :) When we were in our teens he wanted to break the legs of the boys that broke our heart, went to all the school plays happily, chior concerts with praise (yep, even if it sucked).... We did family vacations together and NEVER without all 6 of us.

Step families sooooooo can work! But like with any family, no excuses. It's a lot of work to make a family stay together. There will be days you don't see eye to eye and he won't see eye t eye with your child. As long as the excuse is never there of "well, that's what blended families are like..." Ya know what I mean? Don't settle for anything less than a happy "normal" family and you'll be good. :)

My husband and I have been married for three years. He and I have one child together and I have two other children as well. When we first met I was freshly divorced with a two year old and was not ready for a new commitment so we broke it off. However I found myself single and pregnant and then he wandered back into my life. We had mutual friends at the time. Anyhow, he sort of just stayed there. Like it was an understood thing that he wasn't leaving again. It made my mom mad! LOL! He was with me when first my father died, then my mother, and he was there for the birth of my daughter. Finally, almost a year later, I gave in and married him. Things are not always easy with a blended family, but he loves all of our children as fiercely as I do. I truey believe that family can be made out of any situaion. Love will grow, trust will grow, and happiness will bind you all together.

If there is one bit of advice I could give you it is that you need a plan going in. Talk to your fiance about what his expectations are, what rules are important to him, what type of family he wants to build with you. Work out th kinks now and go into our marriage confident that your fiance knows what he is getting into.

A parent does not have to be a biological parent to be terrible you know? My oldest son is almost fourteen and has seen his father one time since our divorce. That man couldn't care less about his own child. My husband and I both are struggling through these knew and "fun" teen years, but we are doing it together.

Anyhow, I think I babbled a bit, but I wanted to say that I am happy for you and I want you to be sure to focus on your family and not worry too much about others.

We lost our stepfather 5 years ago, 10 days before Christmas.
He was the most loving, caring, stable, loving man in my life--much more my father than my biological father. I was.......early forties when he passed, and he was with my mom since I was about 15....so pretty long as my stepfather.
He always treated me as his daughter. We always joked and called each other "step" but I really, really loved him and he, me. He was a blessing in my life.
He took care of my son, took me to tour colleges, took us to the beach, went everywhere with my hubby & I & mom, and we laughed, laughed, laughed all the time!
I think about him every day and after 5 years, I still miss him. If that's not a father, I don't know what is.

When my mother and father divorced when I was 10 I dealt with many different family situations. Many we're unfortunatly negetive. But I'd like to share one that was perfect. My mom married my step-dad when I was 14. At the time my father wasn't apart of my life due to his wife. My step dad stepped up to the plate and was the best dad ever as well as a buddy. He'd take me horseback riding, to rodeos and to horse shows. At this time in my life I thought this was the best. I loved horses but had never been around them before. My step-dad when I was learning how to drive taught me how drive his cool big truck out on the country roads. When we'd all go on vacations he'd let me bring my best friend with us. I loved my step dad. And though he and my mom aren't married any more I'm still close to him and we call each other periodically to see how each other is doing.

Step-families can work. I'm sure that your's will work out too.

My step-dad came into my life when I was in 2nd grade. He and my Mom divorced when I was a junior in H.S. I am now in my mid 30's and he is still a HUGE part of my life. He is a wonderful "Papa" to my kids and still treats me like his daughter. He was even part of our wedding as a groomsman. We had our issues, but nothing different than a daughter would/does have with any other parent. I love him dearly. I even gained an amazing step-brother from this who will forever be in my heart!! We are as close, if not closer, than a lot of bio siblings.
I also have a step-mother who came into my life when I was 17. I adore her. She is an amazing "Nana" to my kids and is the best thing that has ever happened to my biological father.
Also, I am a step-mother. My SD is 16 and I have been part of her life since she was itty-bitty. I love her like she is my own. And if something were to happen between me and her father I would continue to stay in touch with her.
It can work and it can be good.....but it's not always easy, but it is worth it!!

How about a "best friend" story?

My best friend growing up had her Daddy (bio) & later Mama (step), and Mom (bio) and Papa (step).

During the schoolyear she spent with week with her Mom & Papa, and the weekends with her Dad, and during the summer it reversed. So darn near 50/50, but not quite.

She had AMAZING parents. I lived on the same street as her Daddy... but spent a lot of time in both houses (and she spent a lot of time in my house). Her bio parents didn't always get along, but they tried hard for her sake (it's amazing how obvious that is, even to an 8yo), and in general... they did okay with each other as far as WE were aware.

20 years later I'm still in contact with all FOUR of her amazing parents (as, kind of obviously) is she. We've talked about it a lot and more than anything my best friend from gradeschool is THRILLED that a) her parents divorced, because they fought all the time and just make much better friends than spouses and b) that she feels so blessed to have all 4 parents in her life, and to have had all 4 of them raise her.

<laughing> Not that it was all sunshine and light growing up. She had both families DOWN as to how to get more "guilt" presents out of both sets as a young child... and did the typical teen struggle thing... but she always loved her parents. And, you know what? So did I. They're wonderful, and thoughtful, and funny, and intelligent, and kind... all in slightly different ways from each other. I was quite envious of her growing up about how lucky she was to have DOUBLE the love.

I know my situation isn't exactly the same as I am the step-parent. While we were dating, my husband's sons came to live with him because their mother wanted to go and live a single life. We fought for the kids to have a relationship with their mother and had many battles to get a schedule for them as she was flighty and unreliable. The youngest wanted to call me "mom" when he was 4 because I was in his life every day and his mother wasn't. We maintained that he call me by my first name as we felt it was important for him to have a relationship with his mother. The boys are now in their 20s and I have been told by parents of my step-son's friends how my stepson considers me more of a mother than his biological mother. He talks of his "parents" and his mother. I loved them as my own and then was fortunate to have my own child. Having a child of my own was different, but I never moved them to second-class status and my daughter sees them as her brothers, not her half-brothers. I held back some times to allow my stepsons to have a relationship with their mother even when they didn't want to have anything to do with her. Perhaps it was her not really being a mother that allowed them to see me as their mother. I don't know. I just know that when I married my husband, I knew that I was going to be a mother as well. I accepted the entire package and stepped in to take on the role. Share your worries with your fiance and talk about what role you want him to take. A few years ago, I mentioned to my husband how I held back some times and he told me that he wished that I had not. I thought that was what he wanted me to do. So, I encourage you to share what you want, but also allow your fiance to share what he wants.

i am a step parent, my husband is, and i have step parents on both sides, i've had both sides of the stick good and evel steps..my step mom is who i try to follow after, she is such a loving caring person and only intervenes (where i can see it) if i ask her to and even still perfer's my dad to take the action when needed...i just started calling her mom, and perfer to be around her more than my mom BUT i didn't grow up with her around either (step mom) which i think has a lot to do with it. my step dad, whom my mom is now divorcing I HATED and still can't stand him...never did, he never treated me, or my brother like his own, even though i understand the children need time with THEIR parents, if step anythings are going to bond, the PARENT needs to make that effort, my step dad ALWAYS treated my brother and i porly compared HIS kids. because of my experience's growing up, i refuse to treat my step kids like anything less than my own and will not accept anything less from my husband towards my daughter (but they have a GREAT relationship so i dont' worry too much about that)...of course that's hard as hell to do, because well, they KNOW they are not yours and your are not theirs. I dont' give my step kids permission for SQUAT because they were trying to cause issues between us, instead my husband is the disiplinarian and i am the rewarder. if i have a problem with them i will talk to HIM about it, if their room is not clean to OUR standards at the end of the weekend, then i will show him and let him take action...both parents need to be commited to all children involved, and the step mom and the step dad needs to be aware of their boundaries with the kids...i WILL not tolerate my daughter's step mom calling on behalf of her dad for her welfare...if it's an emergency or it would be better for her to pick my daughter up, then yes i will take that call, other than that it's taken her 10 years to learn to "back off". as a step mom myself, i practice the same, i will not talk to/call my step daughters mom for any reason, unless it's an emergency, if i need to go pick them up without him, he will call and make sure she's cool, if not, i don't go if he cannot make the call because of an emergency, then yes i will, but even still perfer his side of the family to do so to avoid any confrontation between her and i causing issues between me and them

Being a step parent definately has it's boundaries, it's hard to love a child as your own when they are not your own and they retaliate, but you HAVE to do it if you want a good relationship and have a good home life. BUT you can't over do it, and while treating them as your own, you have to maintain that boundary that they silently set, or that the husband sets...as a mom you have no boundaries with your kids, but as a stepparent the boundary is a THIN LINE and easy to step off of

Well, I have never been a step-parent but I had a step-grandfather who was a wonderful man. He was funny and caring and he was my "pappy." I never thought of him as a step anything. He loved us just like his biological grandchildren. After his death, my grandma had a "boyfriend" who was also a wonderful man...an old, rough military man with excellent stories and tattoos and the biggest heart in the world. He also loved us and we loved him.

My sister is a step-mother and she used to struggle with it a lot. Olivia was a difficult child and Olivia's mother harbored ill will toward my sister. Olivia's dad, my sister's husband, also did not make things easy. When Olivia would come for visitation on the weekends her dad would be at work leaving my sister to take care of this child that she did not know well and that was, frankly, spoiled and bratty (not Olivia's fault...the product of her upbringing). But week in and week out, my sister cared for Olivia alone which frustrated her (and I could see her point, Olivia needed to see her dad not her step-mother) but she did it because it was the right thing to do. Eventually, Olivia became violent towards her siblings (which stopped visitation for awhile) and was diagnosed with ADHD. My sister has tried to stay a part of Olivia's life because her children love their big sister but Olivia is at an age where she says she doesn't want to go to her dad's house because her friends are doing such and such this weekend. I personally think that the visitation order should be upheld but Olivia's dad doesn't seem to care if he sees her or not. My sister has grown rather fond of Olivia and misses her and hates to hurt the other children's feelings when she has to say Olivia isn't coming this weekend but there isn't much she can do about it. But she still calls to check up on her and sends gifts and offers to have her go to the house whenever she wants.

I have an ex who travels to Florida from Alaska every 4 months to see a step-daughter for 2 weeks. He has been divorced from her mother for years and still has a relationship with the girl because he is "dad."

So, there are step-parents out there who do care but it usually isn't an easy relationship to create or keep.

I have had and still have a wonderful relationship with my step-father. He has been in my life since I was 13 yrs. old. It was a little rough at first, but we quickly began to get along and enjoyed time together. He taught me to drive, waited up for me when I went out, but never tried to replace my dad. Luckily everyone gets along really well and when I married both my dad and ste-dad walked me down the aisle. Now with my two kids he is one of the best, hands-on and loving grandpa you could ever know.

I dont have a step parents, but I have a step grandparent who is a very reserved man, but he has always been there, much more so than my own grandfather. My daughter calls him Grandpa, and he is always there to help if you need it. My aunt and I were re-doing her fence after part of it got knocked down in a storm, and when he heard he just came over and started helping, pretty much taking over and not letting us do much. He doesn't talk much, but he definately shows that he cares and considering that my real grandfather moved into a mobile home specifically so that people wouldnt want to visit him or stay at his house, it says alot to me.

I am not quite a step parent yet. but both me and my boyfriend are signing up for this. We currently live together with my daughter full time and his boys part of the time. i absolutely love his boys and treat them like they are mine. i do my fair share of discipline with them, because i watch them when both of their parents work currently. i treat them no differently than i treat my own daughter. they act just like siblings. my boyfriend is having a harder time adjusting, because my daughter is a momma's girl. she doesn't like to be around him if i'm around. however, when he babysits her she loves it. i'm also friends with the my bf's ex. so i can freely call and see how the boys are doing, or i will go hang out there so i can spend more time with the boys. this has really helped me build my relationship with them. have faith in your man. he does love your child as his own, even if he has trouble showing it sometimes.

I'd love to respond. My step-dad has been in my life since I was nine. I can't imagine life without him, his influence, generosity and his love for my mom and I. It took a while (couple years), he was nice to me but didn't go out of his way to win me. When I was a little know-it-all in high school/college and annoyed with my mom, it was my step-dad I would go to. We have so much in common: political, humor, etc. I was really curious as to how he would be as a grandfather. He's smitten. His bragging about my daughter has got to be downright annoying to some.

My ex is living with someone I actually hope he'll marry or at least be there for the long haul. This woman seems like a wonderful person and a great influence on my daughter. Sounds odd, but people come into our lives and its amazing that who they are can be such a gift to us-- blood relation or not.

There are many questions and responses on this site I find appalling. But difficult questions are asked, at least they are out in the open rather than hid in the dark.

Jen

My stepchild was 7 when I married his dad. We had a great relationship over the years even though there were some challenging times over the years. I am proud to say that he asked me to be part of the mother-son dance at this wedding 2 years ago. I attribute our relationship to the respect that his stepdad and I received from his mom and dad. They always included us as his parents in every aspect of his life.