Ok, so you can see by my subject, that I don't have a good feeling about this, thus the reason I'm posting...
I have a 4 1/2 year old son, who is my world. His father and I never married, but were in a relationship of sorts for first half of my son's life, although we did not live together. We broke up, and I met a wonderful man, to whom I am now engaged to be married. My son's father does not have a significant other at this time. My fiance is a wonderful man, someone I believe will be a wonderful father, and my son adores him, at least for now. And my fiance seems to be enjoying the relationship he is building with my son as well. So everything sounds peachy, right? Then why in the heck can't I shake the feeling that I am making a horrible mistake for my son by dooming him to a life of STEP CHILDHOOD? I am terrified that when my son is a little older, not as baby-cute, a little more smart-mouthed, tests boundaries a little more, etc., that his soon to be step-father will no longer enjoy being like a dad to my son. It's easy now. My son's adorable (if I do say so myself) and easy to love now. But that may not always be the case. That scares me.
Also, my even bigger fear is about possibly having another child with my fiance, maybe 2. Then my son would be the one singled out as NOT my fiance's son. He will always be the one who doesn't get to stay home on Christmas with 'his family', he'll have to go to Dad's. He will always be the one that has to leave us to do other things. To be with his Dad. And the other kid(s) will get to just be at home with us. I know he may like and want to go, but maybe he won't, and then he'll feel as though he's being pushed out of 'our family.' The baby(ies) will call my fiance "Dad" and he will not. My fiance's kids will get the benefit of that deep, unconditional love we have for our children from him, and my son will not. I can't help but be fearful about all the ways this could negatively affect my son. I know there are positives, but for some reason, the negatives are the only thing I can focus on.
I do believe my fiance is a good man, who will make a good father. And I believe he would do his best to be a good step-father. And maybe if we never had anymore kids, it wouldn't be so bad because at least there wouldn't be any other children in the home to compare to. But even in the best of circumstances, step situations are still hard. They are especially hard if other kids are thrown into the mix. The step kid inevitably feels different, often feels treated differently than the 'bio kids', etc. I find myself already accusing my fiance in round-about ways of how he'll inevitably love his bio kids more/differently, and my son will feel slighted and resentful. How awful and relationship destroying of me, I know. Not healthy. I know. But I'm struggling with this.
Sometimes I think it might just be best for it to just be me and my son. Even if I have to sacrifice a good relationship for it. I just want what's best for my son. (Noteworthy, is the fact that depression/addiction issues run in my son's father's family, so I have these additional fears that he'll face these things, and I don't want to do anything to put him in a situation that will push him in that direction, when he may already have a predisposition for it... I know, I need help lol)
Anyhow, thank you for reading my rambling post. I guess I'm just looking for encouragement from moms out there who have made their kids into step kids, and how things worked out for them. Did you have other kids with your new husband? Did your husband's feelings for your child(ren) change when he had his own kids with you? Did you have feelings like I do about putting your child in this situation? I suppose I'd like to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know there are so many horror stories out there about step families. I just won't do something to my child that I don't believe with all my heart will be good for him, that includes getting married. If you have a happy ending story, I'd love to hear that, too. Thanks for reading my neurotic post.
***Just a quick clarification, my son's father IS in his life. My son will definitely have 2 dads, so to speak. Although I wouldn't wish this on my son, I do believe it would be simpler if my son's father wasn't in the picture. But as I said, I don't wish that on my son, because his father does love him, and he loves his dad. I want them to have a wonderful relationship. I just don't know how to make it all work together, and my son not be left feeling like the proverbial red headed step child. (No offense to red heads. I'm one myself... :)
L.,
Methinks that yethinks a bit too much! lol
I am a step kid. My relationship with my step dad was O. of the most steady, loving & enriching relationships of my life.
Don't get hung up on "labels" because a kid can never have too many people that love him!
Yes--there will be challenges, split time for visitation, etc. but your son will be doubly-daddy-loved.
I'm a stepmom who had a biological child after marriage and my stepkids ADORE the baby. It is in no way easy to be a stepparent, so you should first cut your fiance some slack. I will tell you frankly that he WILL love your son differently than he will love his own children. That is nature. When there is a chemical connection to a child, it definitely feels different. However, your son DOES have two biological parents who love him unconditionally. Your fiance will adapt and grow with your son and they will have a special bond. It might not be the same as the biological dad's bond, but it's not supposed to be.
More importantly, I think it's crucial for YOU to be happy and to provide a good model of a happy, fulfilling marital relationship for your son. Living with you and watching you interact with your fiance/husband, is how he will learn to treat women, to communicate, to be in relationships of his own. That is the role you could look at your fiance as fulfilling for your son.
Good luck!
I'm a child of divorce and so are my own children, unfortunately.
I don't think you should assume that if you have other children, your child will not be as loved. There are step-parents who don't see boundaries like that. My step father loved me unconditionally, sometimes more than his own kids, I hate to say because they didn't treat him very nicely. He NEVER referred to me as his step-daughter, and even though I had a perfectly wonderful biological father, I called him my Dad. My father remarried and he was "Dad" to his wife's children.
I have stayed single for 14 years since my divorce, but mainly because I couldn't find a good man. Not someone who could fit in with us instead of vice versa.
If you have a good man who loves your son, and has been in his life, maybe you should be talking to him about your worries. If you have kids, will he love your son less? My guess would be no. If he didn't want a woman with a child already, he wouldn't be engaged to you.
ALL kids grow out of the cute baby stage and can become not so cute when they get older with attitudes, etc. And, maybe there will be times your son goes to be with his father for holidays, etc, but that doesn't have to mean he's not still part of his core family.
You said you're already accusing your fiance of something that hasn't even happened yet.
That either means that in your heart you know he doesn't really love your son OR you, yourself are having second thoughts OR you are simply over-thinking things way too much.
Accusing someone of things that haven't happened is not a good sign.
I always put my kids first when it came to considering starting a relationship, so I know what you're saying, but if this is a really good man,
don't sabotage yourself because of what MIGHT happen.
If you truly think he can't love your son, if he's said anything to make you believe that, then that's different and maybe the marriage isn't for the best.
I don't know why, but Shaquille O'Neal just popped into my head.
If I remember correctly, he was raised by a step-father who he loves and credits for his success.
Not all children are doomed.
We shouldn't let them think they are, either.
Best wishes.
Having been a stepchild myself, and having raised one, I agree that it's not easy. But then again, from everything I see and read about "normal" families, it's generally not 18 years of smooth sailing, either. All families have challenges. And there's the unfortunate cultural bias toward "the evil stepmother" that taints the whole category of stepparents, most of whom are well-meaning, courageous, and self-sacrificing.
The fact that you are grappling with this is actually a good sign that you're aware of the potential for problems, and will probably make the best of your son's upbringing. You've got a whole list of concerns, which should be considered not as a lump, but individually, Allowing you to find your way through the complexities of parenting with more finesse.
Keep talking with your intended about your parenting hopes and anxieties. The closer you are to agreement before marriage, the better.
Keep reading parenting books; there are many fabulous ones out there, many of which probably deal specifically with step-parenting tangles. The single most helpful book I've ever read (I'm reading it for the third time, it's so great) is Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They teach how parents can establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way. The techniques would work as well for a step-parent, too.
Being a stepchild is not so taboo as you think, and there are millions out there. Many parents are divorced or never got married like you, and the kids have to split their time. But from the kids point of view, they get more presents, more holidays, more chances to do fun things. And more people that love him. The only thing you can do is love all your children equally, and same to your fiance. Of course you don't know how your fiance will treat him once he has biological children, but most likely he will still be a father to your son. You don't know what the future will bring and what issues will arise, so all you can do is take a leap of faith in this man and take the problems as they arise. No point in worrying now, just do what you think is best. I wouldn't not marry a wonderful caring man that I love because I don't want my child to be a stepchild, your happiness is important too.
L., sounds to me that you are an awesome mom. And what is so awesome aside for your concerns for your boys future is that you found a man to love and a man that loves your son. As long as you talk out your concerns to your fiance and make a conscious effort should you have more kids to not make a big deal of your fiance not being the bio-dad all should go well. Also your kid gets 2 dads, what and I ask you, is better than that??? Get married momma enjoy your life!!!
I have felt the same way about a futre relationship and my son. But am a step child and I have been since I was 7. I have always felt that I have two dads. Not a dad and a step father. And he has always viewed us as his kids and would do anything for us.
I feel as much as your child needs to feel his love, you do to. You need to have that love that a child can't give to a parent. (well shouldn't give a parent). You too need to be happy. I'm sure that your son will know him as his father.
Hi L., I'm a step mom and my kids have a step mom (and step dad). Here is the bottom line, you need to be happy in YOUR life. And you need to do all you can to help your KIDS have a happy life. You can't worry about future "what if's". Like the holidays...for xmas, if my ex has the kids, we celebrate all together on a different day. How LUCKY my kids are that Santa came 3 days early just for them!!! *wink* In fact, every single holiday except July 4th and Halloween can be celebrated on a different day. You just work it all out. I married last Oct and at age 43, don't think I can have another baby although I would have LOVED to have given my hubby another child. But regardless, we are a blended family. So don't stress about all the little details. Talk to your fiance and tell him all these things you just "rambled" about and have an open discussion about how he feels also. Keep up the communication and google "blended families" and read the articles. I wish you the best!!!!
My first daughter's father was never in the picture, so my story is a little different, but my husband and I were married when my daughter was 3. He loved her. Her father gave up his rights when she was 4, almost 5 and then my husband adopted her. She called him daddy from the time she was 2. When she was 6 1/2 we had another child together. We treat the children the same. Sometimes we forget that Julia isn't biologically his. lol. My girls love each other and my husband loves BOTH of my kids. If this man is truly who you are meant to be with, then things will be fine. Kids adjust. Having a good man in his life will be so beneficial to him too.
I am a step-child myself AND my son is as well. I understand your concern on both the child's level AND the parent's. Unless you and your ex get back together, you son will still have to leave at Christmas (and other occasions) and down the road may have a stepmom so you sacrificing may not change his status. I say talk to you finance and express your concern but it sounds like you'll be fine.
My husband has been in our lives since my son was 3 years old and although my son clearly knows who his father is and has a relationship with him, he also knows that for everyday parenting my husband is his father. He knows that my husband did NOT have to be that because he was not his by blood but rather chose to be and IS. (By the way, if he wasn't he would not be my husband!)
haha I'm a redhead too. My son is not a step child, but I was. My bio mom had 8 kids. My dad (with my step mom) had 2 other kids, so I have 10 brothers and sisters. My mom ended up having most of us live with our dads, until 1990 where she had my sister Kristen. After that, she kept the following 3 after her. I lived with my dad within a month of my life, and my dad had married the woman who is my step-mom now 3 days before me and my twin were born. My step-mom raised me like her own and went on to have my other two sisters. Out of me and her bio child, she does the most from her. She even gets a little offended if I don't refer to her as mom instead of her name or something else. I guess taking care of me helped her get ready for her two kids. But, not all step-kids are singled out because they aren't bio children. My mom's last husband (and the father of my youngest brother and sister) was great with the rest of us, even though he didn't really live with us, but treated us wonderfully nonetheless. Just because he doesn't have your fiance's genetic material doesn't mean that he's loved any less. Yes, he'll have a little bit stronger bond with the bio children, but he's still going to be a daddy figure. In fact, your son will have "two" daddies, and in my opinion, that's even better! He'll have two male role models to help him along. And you shouldn't worry about him getting older and getting more difficult...your fiance was once a young boy...I'm sure he remembers how they are. Good luck!
