Seeking Consultation from Someone Who Knows

My daughter's school has a paper parents can fill out regarding who is allowed to see or pick up their kids. If you can get a paper like this from the school and submit it with only the names of those who are allowed there, the school will have to abide by it.

I dont think there are any restrictions unless the school knows about it. I go to my son school for lunch all the time, and all I have to do is go to the office sign in, get a name tag and I can go to the lunch room with my son. The times I have been there, the office is kind of busy so they dont really seem to care, as long as I sign in. I have never had anyone ask what am I doing or who am I going to see. So, I am guessing that anyone can come to the school and visit their kids. There is supervision in the lunch room, but as long as you are kind of quiet and nothing strange is going on, they dont bother you.

I suggest that you call the school or the district's administration for an answer. Each district may be different.

I worked in the school system for 7 years and I can tell you that there are so many variables to this. First and foremost, if this is a bit of a sticky situation (divorce, custody, visitation, etc) you need to make sure that the school has a copy of the custody agreement from the judge. Also, if you have sole custody, you alone have the right to determine who does and does not have the right to see your child at school. We had lists for students of people not allowed to be in the school or who the children were not allowed to be picked up by, etc... The first step I would take is to call the principal and discuss your concerns with him/her. I can certainly hear your concern in what you have written best of luck to you!

At the school that my son goes to, we had to fill out a form that states who is allowed to visit him/pick him up from school. It did say on the form that they can not forbid a parent from coming into the school unless there was a court order.

At my daughter's school if you want to eat lunch with you child or sit in the classroom you must fill out a background check and you must be on the list that the parents provide. I would suggest that you contact the school and advise them. Good Luck.

You need to let the school know who is ok and who is not. They should not allow this if you let them know, and if you have full custody. If you and your ex share custody, then I am not sure there is much you can do. But you can for sure say who your child may leave the school with and who they can not. Good Luck - E. Young

If he is a non-custodial parent, then you need to let the principal know that, and they will not allow him to have lunch with her. Most schools require that visitors stop by the office when they enter the school, before they are allowed to go anywhere else (for the safety of all the kids). If you have sole custody then the school will abide by your wishes, not her dad's.
I know it can be embarrassing or just time-consuming to talk about these issues with school personnel, but as a teacher, I can tell you it's done all the time. I've made double copies of report cards to mail to 2 different households, and once we had to call the police when a non-custodial parent tried to pick up her son from school (we were told ahead of time by dad that she wasn't allowed to see him). I would just call the principal and explain what's going on. She'll inform the teacher on lunch duty of where your daughter should be that day, or her teacher if she's in grade school.

I work at an elementary school, and we do allow family members to have lunch with their children; in fact, by law, we have to. However, if your child has a restraining order against your ex's family, or if they can only have court-ordered supervised visitation, then we would need a copy of the court papers and then we can prevent those people from visiting the kids at school. We never allow the kids to leave the building without checking photo IDs against the "allowed pick up list" on each child's enrollment form. If someone tries to pick up a child and is not on the form, we call the listed parent to get verbal permission. If it is a big concern, make an appointment to talk with the principal of the school, and let them know what's going on. Sometimes just making the office staff aware of the situation is a lot of help, and the adults in the building can keep an eye on kids who have questionable visitors. Good luck.

I am in the NKC school district-After a meeting with our principal-it is true-family can come up and have lunch-as long as they sign in at the office. I've herd nothing about parent permission. I also found out that as parents we are allowed to sit in on the classrooms too. (with prior notice)
The whole protecting your children thing is being missed by our school district. My son had a bus rider walk home with him and no one caught them! Plus they have had a babysitter pick up the wrong student after school! So I understand your frustration. The principal will do just about anything to avoid confrontation with parents. Give em a call-ask them their policy on it. Good luck

Beyond what everyone else has already advised you... the only thing I can let you know is that all of my cousins are in elementary school. I eat lunch with them often, I can tell you that in Missouri, as long as one of the contacts from their emergency, and pick-up card authorizes the person to visit the child, the person is allowed visitors access to certain areas of the school. It was the same when I was in school in Texas. Even through High School after my parents were divorced. Even though my parents could not be in the same room, and my mother had custody of us, since my father and step mother were on my card, they were allowed access to us, and to authorize our actions at the school. I don't know if this helps. I hope it does. It sounds like you are dealing with alot beyond this. If you need any insight into the feelings or thinking of a child of very conflicted and angry divorced parents, don't hesitate to write me. I know that even my mother is still surprised by how i felt all these years later. As a parent, she didn't realize how much I was influenced by it all. You can get me on mamasource, or you can e-mail me at ____@____.com luck hon.

I've done a lot of health and safety teaching in schools within my area. It depends on the school. Some schools within the city ask for certain paperwork in order to allow you to go. Others(and most)you have to report to the office for a guest pass. Also, some of the private(mainly Catholic)schools only allow one visit before they do a background check on you (that's if you are entering a classroom).

S....The school systems always encourage family involvment with thier students. The only reason I have ever heard for them NOT letting families experience some school time with thier little ones is if there is a court Order of Protection. Regardless of what you have gone thru and how you feel about these folks, they must feel a lot about your little one. And if that's the only way they feel they can see her...well then they certainly care enough. And what a safer environment could you ask for? I have seen a lot of these situations and can tell you this....When a child can be involved with both sets of relatives...the better she feels about herself. Kids need caring adults not people who fight for "control". Give this one up and let them eat lunch with her.

A.

In Oklahoma there is a statute that states that even non-custodial parents and their families can visit the child's school unless there is a court order otherwise.

The only way around this is to have your ex's visitation suspended or revoked and this ends up applying to his family as well.

Be sure to list these people on a do not call or pick up list if you are at all concerned.

If you don't want your child to see your ex or his family that needs to specifically stated at the office. If you don't want your children to be in the middle that is fine, but not allowing them to see their grandparents is also not fair.

S.,

I know it is very frustrating to deal with the exes. However, I also know, that in my state of Oklahoma, the schools are not required to prevent a parent from having lunch with the child. They can only prevent it if there is a order of protection and it includes the child on it. You might want to go to your attorney and ask that your ex not interfere with your child at school and he must not discuss at any time the issues occur between you. He can lose his rights if he goes to the school and bashes you. This shows that he has no respect for the child and will do anything he can to get at you. My ex ALMOST got his visitation taken away due to this. I hope it works out for you.

well i think you should be able to tell the school who can and who cant visit your children while there in schoolcuz where im at the only time the grandparents can eat lunch with the kids is on grandparents day here any other time just the parents can come to the school.. i would go with what the other mom said and see what the schools policy is on visiting kids at school but if you dont want the grandparents to go to the school all you should have to do is tell the school you dont want them to see the kids at school

I understand that the public school system can not prevent your ex from access to the children or their records since he is the biological parent unless there is a specific court order that doesn't allow him contact with them or his parental rights are revoked. I do believe, however, that only applies to the parent so you should be able to limit access from other family members. TALK to the office of the childrens school.

Unfortunately here in Missouri, most schools will allow any part of the biological parents family to visit without permission from the other parent. They will not allow interuption of class time, but without you providing a sound reason to not allow the other parent to visit, most will do so even if you plead with them not to. I have found the only way to somewhat control the situation is to talk with the principle of the school before any visits can be established, preferably at the beginning of the school year. But there again, if the other family does not pose a risk or threat to the children it is very hard to get the school not to allow the other family to visit. I know this is very hard on the children, and I've dealt with this kind of conflict for about five years now. Some schools will work with you as far as giving the children counseling before and after the visit, but again you have to be deligent with the school for this to happen. I wish I could give you more, I definately know where your coming from. lots of luck... M.E.

S.,
Have you went to the school to tell them the situation you are in right now. I had to do that when I went through my divorce. If you let them know what is going on and tell them that you dont want people to go to the school with your child for any reason. They have to do what you ask, because they could be sued if something happens. So if you have not talked to the principal at the school I strongly suggest you do so.
Good Luck,
L.

i have a little one in tulsa public schools and i know that all you have to do is check in in the office and get a pass and go eat with your kids but if you haven't told them not to allow other family at school if your child recoginzes them then the school would probably allow it so if i were you i would just contact the school and tell them your situation and tell them no one but you (or whom ever you choose) are allowed to visit w/o your permission other wise they probably are just happy that your child has family that cares enough to be involved in the childs education (because they deal with so many that don't have that "family" life) hope all goes well

Call the school and tell them that you do not want them there. You are the parent...that is your child! It would not happen at the school where I teach..that's for sure!

Most schools require that visitors sign in at the school office when they enter the building. Family members are typically allowed for either brief classroom visits, meals, or to help with special events. Unless there are orders of protection, (and if there are the school should certainly have been provided a copy...) then your ex's family would most likely be allowed to visit for lunch at school. I understand that divorce is a hard thing to go through and often drama filled, but it seems to me that his family visiting the kids at school would be an almost ideal visiting situation - safe public environment, good chaperonage, and kids usually feel special to have visitors for lunch - it's not something that happens everyday and will earn them some extra positive attention from their peers. Before you freak out and assume the worst, think about what would make the kids happy in this situation, keep in mind that these people - though you may not be able to stand them- are still family to your children, and lunch in a school cafeteria isn't a likely place for them to be subjected to anything too traumatic.

I would,and this is just my opinion, talk to my ex, if my ex didn't agree to this, I would then talk to the school. I don't think just anyone even family can go to your childs school and have lunch with them without your permission.

Hi S.,
Everyone has given you great advice-- checking with the superintendents office for clarification of their policy is the smartest thing to do.
BUT I do want to point something out though, that doesn't seem to have been addressed. Unless you have a legitimate fear that you ex's family is going to do something harmful to your children, then I wouldn't make a big deal about them eating lunch with your kids at school -- it's just lunch- there are teachers and staff all around.
You said you were trying to protect your children from a very high conflict, family feud. You will START a feud if you insist that they can't even have lunch with your children. Granted, it's annoying and obnoxious. But your a mature woman-- you can deal with annoying, right?
On the other hand, if you really believe that they might actually be a threat and might try to take off with your kids or something, then just talk to the principal, to the teacher, to the cafeteria staff, and tell them to keep their eye on the family. Or better yet, make sure that YOU are at the school too. Your family too-- the custodial parent. You can be there whenever you want. So, on the day they're supposed to be there for lunch, you be there too. I wouldn't engage them at all, or sit at the same table. You don't want to start a family fight in the middle of a bunch of little kids in the school cafeteria.
But you can sit right outside the cafeteria door and make sure that when they leave, they leaving without your kids.

T.

I'm pretty sure anyone can come eat lunch with a child. They just can't check them out of school without your permission. The father probably could unless you make it clear to the school and, depending on the school, you may have to provide proof that he isn't allowed to do so. You just need to contact your school and see what they say.
I am in the same place as you-kids father is quite the piece of work-and my kids schools allowed me to exclude him from being able to pick the kids up. But, I don't think there's anything they can do about him having lunch with them. Luckily though he lives in another state-I was fortunate enough to be able to move away-so it is unlikely that I have to worry about that.
D.

I don't know what school district your children are attending, but in the SLPS it is possible for outside people to request to eat lunch in the school with the children. All visitors have to sign in and out in the office. I only know parents that have asked, but most principles, at least in the SLPS, are open to having outside people participate in the lunches. I guess since there is a divorce going on, and you are obviously keeping your exes side away from the children, they are finding ways to see the children. One good thing about them seeing your children in the cafeteria would be that it is supervised and they would be unable to just leave with your children. But it seems like with all of the raw emotions floating around interrupting the child's day just to visit with them is a bit extreme and not in the best interest of the child. That is something that the principal, superintendant, and teachers would all sympathize with.

Hi well I guess the best thing would be for you to talk to the principal and definately give them the paper work stating you are the custodial parent. I went through somewhat the same with my ex, except he had kids that went to the same school as ours and he didnt like that i saw them when i went to eat with mine, I don;t believe they will stop either parent from coming in but they will definately respect you or should on anyone else they should be aware of who is in the school to see whom. and when they sign in they can tell them they cannot go if that is what you wish , I hope this helps if you have any other questions feel free to email me at ____@____.com

The school encourage visits from parents and grandparents. Your ex family should let you know that they plan on eating with your children. If you tell your ex family that they cant have lunch with your kids that would probably cause a family feud.

i have had the same problem that you are having with my husbands ex. i do know that she or her family are alowed to atend lunch or other activites with my daughter. if you feel that you would rather your child not have contact with that side of thier family then you should call the school and request that they always let you know so that you can take care of it.

step-mom to one 1 wonderful 11 year old, who wants nothing to do with bio mom

You know what I would do? You don't want to appear overly protective with the inlaws. Check with the school and tell them if they want to visit, you must be informed first or make them sign papers and include giving them permission to take them off the premisis or not. It's just caring about who is with your kids and why. this is 2007, n ot 1952 when everyone was safe

My sons school is so strict about who picks the kids up that the first time I went into get my son from school they did not know who I was and our last names are different and they made me show them my Id and then got into his file and made sure that the name on the ID was the same as was on his copies of the birth certificate. It was crazy but at least I know that if I did not put the persons name on the list it doesnt matter if his father, grandmother or the Lord himself They will not release my child to them. I actually think that there are federal laws and things regulating that sort of thing nowadays.

My son attends Jenks and anyone can come and eat lunch with them. A teacher or assistant is assigned to each class in elementary and junior high there are a certain amount of assistants assigned to supervise the classes. I volunteer a lot and I know that there is nothing excluding lunch visits, but only people on your pick up list can check them out to have lunch off campus. If it is just a family feud you are trying to protect them from and no direct harm is involved then I don't think the school would prohibit them from coming. Simply because there are a lot of parents who use their children as pawns (not to say you are, but some parents do) and it is hard for the school to make a judgement call on that. It would be the same if the roles were reversed and you were being the one not allowed to eat with them, without a court order the school simply will not get involved. It is not their job to decide that one set of family should not be allowed to visit them, that is up to family court.

However, again if it is just a feud then I can't understand why you wouldn't want them to be albe to eat lunch with them. It is 30 mins and if they are in elementary it is highly supervised. I think children should be able to see all of their family unless they are in danger. It is not fair to the children to be put in the middle.

S.,
My sister is a teahcer in Missouri i asked her what the procedure was and she told me that they are suppose to ask for your permission, well at her school they do, if not you should advise your children, if those "visitors" come to have lunch with them, to tell a teacher and that they would perfer them not be there, i dont think just anyone can walk into the school anyways, im sure they would bring it to your attention. i hope this helps!!

C.

Sweetie, I wished I could give you helpful information. But I think the rules on that vary from school to school. You'd have to check with the school to see what they're have to say about it. You should be allowed to say who can and can not come see your child at the school. They should have a paper that you can sign to say who you want or do not want coming in contact with your child while they are at school. I know I can go to my child's school and pay for my lunch, and eat with them. It's that easy here. I also live in a very small country town, where everyone knows everyone. But like I said, you'd have to go up to the school, talk to the principal, and see what the rules are for your child's school. I wish you the best.

Dear S.,

I think I can help you. Consider when you had registered your child at the school for the school year. Is the fther of your children listed as a contact? Also, did you show the school a copy of your divorce papers. Technically NO, they cannot allow that to happen without your permission. My biggest advice to you, is to contact the school and inform them that, you do not nor you have ever given them permission to attend the school. If the Grandparents would like to see the children, they can do it on thier fathers visitation time. I know that sounds kinda cruel, but the grandparents should have asked you if it was ok also. If you do not stand your ground now, they will walk all over you.

Good Luck.

S.,
I would contact your school administration and your child's teachers. Let them know what is going on and that you request any activities such as these to go through you first. A school has a responsibility to keep they children safe, and I'm sure the principal and teacher would be more than happy to work with you.

Hi S.,
I agree with the other Moms about checking with your specific school and school district regarding rules about visits. However, I am more concerned about the reason why you do not want your child to visit with your ex's family. I know divorce must be a difficult thing for EVERYONE in your family, especially your kids. Please be sensitive to your children's needs by not forcing them to choose between your love and their extended family. I would suggest that you, your kids, and your ex seek family counseling on this issue so your kids will not be placed in such a difficult position. If needed, maybe your extended family should attend the counseling session also so it is clear that the children's needs come first. Your children will need you, your ex and the extended family to get along at this difficult time in their lives. Wishing you all the best!

If u dont tell the school that u dont want them to come see your child at school they are not suppose to let them. If u had i would be going and talk to the school. they are not suppose to allow that. i volunter at a school and when a visitor comes we have to look at the childs file. Make sure you are spacific on who u dont want there.

I would contact your children's school and find out what kind of policies they have in regards to who they allow to visit in the classroom and who they are allowed to release the child to. I know where I live if a non-custodial parent (especially in a divorce situation) tries to pick up their child from school, the school can't stop that from happening legally. You would need to talk to a lawyer about that type of situation (if you think it were to happen), but I've also had custodial parents (the mother) tell the school, "I know you can't legally hold my child from his/her father when the father comes to pick up his child, but could you call me first and I'll come to the school and deal with it." I have heard many of the schools are more than happy to make the phone call when a child is in the middle of two divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) parential disputes.

I would say that if the ex's family is allowed to visit, that there be some discussions with them as far as appropriate behaviors in the classroom ahead of time, maybe even have a talk with your children (so they know what to expect), and inform the teacher's and school staff of any potential problems that may arise if they allow this visit to take place. Keep everyone one step ahead of the game and all should work out in the end. It's all about education. Call or visit your child's school and get informed on their policies BEFORE the visit is to occur.

Good luck!

You know, there are a lot of viruses going around right now that could keep your kids out of school that day. If your ex's family has a specific date in mind, it's hard to say whether or not your kids will be well enough to go to school that day, right?

S.,

Best thing you can do is ask for the regulations from the superintendant so you know in writing what is to be done and then hopefully this issue will be solved district wide as a normal proceedure from treacher to principals to auxillary staff.

S.

Hi S., I would talk to you kids school and the principal and let them know that you feel there presence at the school may interfer with your childrens ability to function that day and inform them that you are having a conflict with you ex's family and see if they could help you out. Also try talking to the school councler. Other wise they may make you have to have a court order saying that they can not be in the school. I wish you the best of luck, been ther done that but at my school we had to have court orders.