Overbearing Ex-husband and Ex in Laws

I do understand completely, I had the same situation at one time. I called around to afterschool programs and gave the information to my ex. I told him this was what needs to be done if their behavior continued. We have joint custody and he would foot the bill for the care. He quickly had a conversation with his parents and we had no issue since. I was married for 21yrs to a great man, but he let his family bullie him and me and I no longer stood for it. They had no respect for me as a mother so I just demanded very little contact with them. Good luck!

Just remember that if not handled properly the kids will be the most affected by it. Communicate w/the kids and see what their feelings are on the situation. If this is the norm for them all these years, a sudden change could pose problems. Remember, it's all in the best interest of the kids.

A., I am going to be very blunt with you. It sounds like you are allowing yourself to be in the position you are in because it is more convenient for you. It is nice to be able to work and not have to worry about your kids and know that someone who loves them is there to take care of them. It is not always a bad thing. However, you are their mother and you must demand the respect that a mother deserves. If your inlaws continue to undermine you as their mother, you must use your parental rights and halt their behavior. If you do not find a constructive way to care for your kids you could very soon be looking at a custody battle over your children. It is so important as a divorced parent to be self sufficent in caring for your children. If you end up in court fighting for custody and your ex and his family are more involved and knowledgable about the kids lives and activities, you may not look very good in court. You basically have two options.
#1- Be thankful that your inlaws are there when you can't be and patiently but sternly start setting some boundaries
#2- Take over and do whatever is nesessary to care for your kids without your inlaws help
If you do not do one of those things, you will continue to feel like an outsider in your own kids lives.
I too have very involved inlaws and have had to rock the boat many times concerning the kids. It is not easy, but you are the mother and you CAN be in charge. Have faith in your instincts. You will feel so much better when it is all said and done. I wish you luck.

Hi A. - Guess my first question would be where do the boys live? Do they live with their Dad and visit you on weekends? Do you have a good relationship with the in-laws? If so, I would simply ask them. If not, I would suggest that you build a good relationship as it sounds like they are the primary caregivers. If all they are doing is picking them up then that is a different story but without knowing details it is difficult to know what to do. I guess bottom line is that the better the relationship you have with both the kids Dad and the in-laws the better it is for everyone (especially the boys). A very well thought out, friendly talk would be the most productive thing you could do. If there is alot of bad blood between you all and there is a court order in place then you can not expect them to communicate with you so you would have to just follow the order to a T and accept that until they are 18! Good Luck!

If you have custody of the kids, you should go to the school and take a copy of the papers and make sure the school knows who the custodial parent is and that you and only you are to be contacted in cases of emergency. Fill out all new contact information at the school so that the inlaws are down on the list to be contacted but ONLY if you are not available. Take control of the situation. They are your kids not theirs. You can't do much about what they tell the other parents, but the school must follow what you say. Tell the school that the kids are not to be released with out your permission and you must be contacted. Take the afternoon off and pick up the kids so that you meet the other parents and let them know that you are the custodial parent. Don't bash the in-laws, tell the parents that "they mean well, they are just a bit over bearing".

You need to go to the school and make sure the office and teachers have your information. Get in touch with the PTA President and make sure you are put on the email lists and that you join in any online groups available. Form a relationship with your kids teacher(s) so they know to include you in discussions. Volunteer for as many things as possible at the school. Even if its just bringing home stuff to staple or cut out for the teacher. There are tons of ways to be in the know at your kids school. Maybe you could give your childs teacher some self addressed stamped envelopes and ask to have an extra set of papers sent directly to you. You cannot be pushed out of your childs life unless you allow it. It sounds like you have been allowing it so far, but that can be changed.

I would go up to the school and have them put you on their contact list for your boys. Maybe at the start of each school year, go to their schools and request that you also be mailed information regarding your boys. If you and your ex have joint custody or you have visitation, this shouldn't be a problem, for you to at least be informed of such incidents.

A.,
I know what you are going through. My ex and I haven't been together since I was pregnant but him an dhis parents still come up with all sorts of lies to tell other people. There are always other options sometimes you just have to look harder for them. If your step children are old enough to baby-sit until you either you or your husband can get home. Also ask around the neighborhood. There is probably a mother who would be willing to have a carpool with you. If you take them she picks them up and watches them until you get home. The grandparents can still do it here and there but it's pretty obvious that they are using to try and make things difficult for you and that needs to stop. If taking them out of the equasion for after school help then that's what you need to do because I guarantee it's also affecting your kids when the grandparents say things like that.
In the matter of them changing the information on the paperwork, take a copy of your decree to the school to show that you are the legal gardian and that they do not have any rights to change or even view your children's paperwork without your permission. The school will not be allowed to show the information to the grandparents. Right now they feel they arebeing given full rights but it's because you have put up with it for your children. I tried this because I didn't want my son seeing what was really going on but found out that he saw everything and it was worse for me to put up with it rather than step in and cut it off. You don't have to quit your job but it sounds like you do need to see what other options you have. If you don't have many other options for after school care then you need to sit them down and let them know that the things they are doing WILL stop. EIther way they need to stop saying those things about you. To this day my ex's parents still make comments here and there but 6 years later they still don't pick up my son and visitation is during my ex visitation. They recently have starting being more civil towards me but not all of the time. Good Luck!

I would go to the school and add your contact information to your children's files. Then I would have the Y or some other after school program pick up my children from school...like a karate program, gym, and the YMCA.

Best of luck,
M.

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If the kids live with you then you need to go to the school and talk to the teacher and the office and let them know that you are the active parent. You should ask the teacher if she could not send his things in his back pack and let you come and get them. Also if the children live with you I would not let the ex in laws pick them up every day. The kids should know them but let them see the kids during your ex's time with them.

You don't need to quit your job to be more involved, you just need to be more involved. Take the custodial paperwork over to the school and make sure that they are aware of your rights. It sounds like you need your ex-inlaws to help you out so you can't cut them off as emergency contact. You could call them frequently and ask lots of questions, make sure they are specific question like what math homework do they have, did the teacher go to school today etc. General questions like how was there day aren't going to cut it. Good luck

You don't have to quit your job to take control. You'd feel alot better if you did. You would also be showing people that you have custody. I'm a single mom and have had 4 in school at the same time, worked and had the kids in extra curricular activities. I do it with help from family at times, and feel much more successful when I'm on top of the game. If its best for you and the kids that they stay with you ex inlaws then take charge refill out the papers and become #1 contact. Don't let it go that far they send those forms home the first 2 days of school. If they are going to dishonor you and take things out of the back packs and not respect that your allowing them in their life you may want to consider the after school program or have them mail you a copy. A friend of mine had to do that. It maybe that you telling them this may have the ex in laws rethink keeping things from you. I know working is tiring. Honestly I have to take two multi vitamins aday to stay on top of things. You said it was fabricated about your ex having custody so I'm guessing you do have custody, but if not its not hard for a woman to regain custody. So if thats the case work on getting it back. I would talk to my in laws about this situation, and don't feel bad because you can say everything without ever being disrespecful and appreciative for them being there to help you and the kids, and set boundaries. They wont like it but they'll respect you!!!!Good luck.

you can contact the school and have your name added to the emergency call list. also talking with the teachers you can make sure and get needed info sent to you also. and remember try not to sweat the small stuff and pick your battles wisely.
from someone in a similar position....T

I agree that you should make yourself known at the school. It is always best for a teacher/principal to know what is going on in a students life especially if it is complicated and has an effect on them and their schoolwork/environment. The only advice I have for you is to make sure you don't say or do anything while you are so angry. You may have cooled off by now but it is clear that this is a very touchy situation. I always pray first and ask The Lord for wisdom. He never lets me down.

Do your kids live with you or with their dad? If they live with their dad you'd have to go to court to get them in your custody which might be hard if there is a reason they are not in your custody to begin with. If they live with you why don't you try to find an alternate means of getting them taken care of after school. Most schools have latch-key programs where the kids stay at the school until 6 or so and have activities, etc, just like afterschool daycare. You are relying on the grandparetns to take all of this responsibility for your kids then complaining because they don't do it exactly how you want them to. Take the burden off of them and put it on yourself. If you are the custodial parent you need to let the school know that , go down yourself and change all the contact information so that you are contacted first in case of emergency.

I can see where you are frustrated with this. You know, I just don't understand people sometimes. One would think the inlaws would be grateful that they have the opportunity to be involved in their grandchildren's lives. They need not forget who these wonderful boys belong to and who makes the decisions

Do you have friends that you can rely on? Perhaps they could pick up your boys instead.

Another option: My neighbor has hired a high school girl sitter to come to her home and get her son off the bus and watch him until she gets home. This is a nice arrangement for them.

I hope the best for you!

Take care.

Deborah

Hi A.,
I am feeling your pain. Who takes care of your two other children after school? I would put a plan in place to have the kids come home on the bus to either your home and hire a high school babysitter until you get home from work, or I would find a mom that the boys can ride the bus home to and pay her a little extra for helping you out. Grandparents are suppose to be just that, grandparents, not extended childcare, especially if they are not supportive of YOU! There is no telling what your sons are hearing each day, so hopefully you get right on this and change the system and put you back in CHARGE! K.

Dear A.
I've just had a similar experience when no-one told me that my adult daughter had a serious operation in another town! I was also livid.
Then someone pointed out to me that perhaps because I react with such stress, perhaps they were trying to spare me the worry! I mean, come on - we are the mother's here you and I.
Don't people realise that if you learn these things in hindsight they are just as traumatic, or perhaps even more as you feel you have your power taken away from you.
Had I known for example about my daughter, I would have taken a flight and helped her out and been at her bedside. What would have happened had I lost her?
I know you are feeling the same way.
Mothers have rights and they have a right to know EXACTLY what is going on, when, where and how and why to their children when it comes to their health and safety!!!

M. husband talked to his son's teacher about his ex situation and how over-bearing she was/is. . . the teacher now send two copies of everything home (only one needs to be signed by M. husband.) (report cards, progress reports, field trip alerts, etc) The school is also aware that ANY and ALL agreements made with M. step-son are to be done by his father or myself. We share custody of him, but his primary residence is with us. The school, by law, HAS TO follow what your custody papers say. It doesn't matter what your ex in-laws say to the school or sign, it should not matter until your signature is recieved.

A., I am totally in agreement with you; but, unfortunately grandparents do not always use the best judgement. This is especially true when there has been a divorce involved !

You can attempt discussion with them; but, it may not go anywhere. They perform a very valuable service for you. As long as they are heavily involved with the care of the boys, they will assuredly feel they have every right to do what they do.

Is it possible for their after school care to be done differently ?

I understand where you are because I have had similar experiences. Good luck and best wishes.

sit them all down face to face and let them know that you demand respect as your child's mother and that you simply won't tolerate their behavior any more.

You may need to make an appoitment with the school, and take off work to do it . Take your court papers to show you have the physcial custody. Tell the school you are to be call FIRST ALWAYS... and to mail you any paper notes or reports to you because the grand parents take it out of the boys bag. They are to mail you the report cards. See if there is an after school program they could go to or the Boys & Girls Club After School program. Is there ay way you could pick them up or set up for grandparents to only to pick up 2/3 days a week? 'You let them set the ground rules now you must stop it ( I understand why, you were trying to keep their relationship with the boys a good one ) They have gone too far. Best of everything to you and your family..

First of all, the following questions are just for you, not for you to post to us. Who is listed in the child custody decree as the MANAGING CONSERVATOR and who pays child support? Who do the children ACTUALLY live with? My husband's ex was the managing conservator, meaning that the children were to live with her (they did) if we had to go "by the letter" and my husband paid child support. The answers to these questions make all of the difference in answering your original questions.

If he's the managing conservator, the kids live with him, and the grandparents are who he has chosen to pick them up, you don't have much choice except to go up there and have your name put in as "Mother's contact info" and to be able to see your kids' files.

If you're the managing conservator, the kids live with you, and you have chosen to allow the grandparents to pick them up, then you need to take control of the school paperwork by going to the school every so often and checking on it, getting to know the faculty, and letting them know you're involved. If the school only sees the Dad and grandparents, it's easy for the school to assume that YOU are the weekend parent. Most schools have websites now, but you have to be in the paperwork as Parent to have web access to the kids' files. You can use email to contact the teachers to set up parent-teacher conferences and to stay up-to-date with the teacher. If you can't work with the Dad to go to conferences together, then DEFINITELY have conferences individually. The teacher would prefer to work with y'all together so that you're "on the same page", but they know it's not possible in many families nowadays, and will work around that for the best interest of the kids.

We did have a couple of these issues a few times: once our son was hospitallized and we didn't find out until a month later because our daughter asked why we didn't go see him. She was 15 at the time with her own cellphone, so we asked why she didn't call us? She said she "thought about it but forgot". Their Mom would store up out-of-pocket medical receipts not covered by insurance until she had a large monetary amount for us to pay and then give them to us. She would then threaten us with a lawyer if we didn't pay within a week.

While we picked the kids up from school everyday (the school knew me just as well as they did Mom), my husband was listed on the paper work as Father and had his contact info listed and I was simply listed as an emergency contact and the "normal way home". When paperwork for updating contact info came home, we would fill in our info and send it on home with them. Once they got to high school I would park in the lot and pick her up from school. The Mom would fill out all paperwork and we found out the hardway that we weren't even emergency contacts. I went to drop off current copies of the medical insurance and dental insurance cards to our 17 year old and was told they could not deliver them to her because I was not on the "approved contact list". I asked why they couldn't just deliver the cards with no note from us and they said it was to prevent parents without rights from having contact with the kids as well as preventing "stranger danger". I explained that their mother asked for them and that I was also the one who picked her up everyday after school. They explained that because I wasn't on the list, I wasn't supposed to that! I asked them to call my husband to get permission. They said he's not on the "list" either, so they can't do that. They wouldn't even call the Mom for me even though I knew her number by heart and it matched the one on file (they didn't tell me that, but I had just talked to her 30 minutes before this). I had to drive over to the grandparents' house to drop them off. Everytime after that if she called for a during-school appointment, I would ask "have you put us on the list, yet?" She'd say no, so I'd have to tell her to have her aunt (who worked) pick her up and drop her off to me. I told my husband that he needed to take his custody papers up there and fix it, but he didn't want to rock the boat. I am the one who stays home and my husband's job is literally across the street from the high school while Mom's is about 20 minutes away. If something serious had happened during school hours, we wouldn't have been able to even talk to her, according to the school rules. We would have had to meet her at the hospital and then take care of her. The "kids" are both in college now, so those worries (the "not being able to help because of school rules" worries) are gone now.

Hope this helps. Good Luck!

Hi, A.
I can understand exactly where you come from. It sounds to me that you and your ex have joint custody, and the in-laws help with the boys after care. To me for any sudden movement to be made it would upset some lives, and could negatively affect your innocent boys.
Call the school to find out what the procedure is for this type situation. Believe me your not the first parent going through this, the schools have set in place rules that puts the boys interest first. Unless your xil have a contact in the system your rights should be protected. Although it doesn't always work out the way it should. You may remember also how close to the end of the school year it is. Things might be better left in place for now, and that could buy you some time to manuevor your finances around so that next yr, you could be the person taking care of the boys.
I don't know your situation but, our schools are hurting for substitute teachers. To be involved more it may be a good thing to try.
Just a suggestion:
As far as the outrage that I'm oh so familiar with try some Omega-3. I started them off and on with other vitamins I knew some was relaxing my aggression just didn't know which it was, so I stopped it all and have tried them individually Omega 3 has me feeling almost giddy, I've gone from being upset at the world to laughing out loud.

I agree that you definitely need to make sure that the school had YOUR information and knows to contact you and your ex husband before any grandparents!

Maybe it's time to look for an after school program instead of having the grandparents pick them up, that would be one way to take control of the situation. I also agree that you don't need to quit your job to get more involved, but if you feel like you need to maybe you can cut your hours.

I was so stressed with work and my son's school etc that I talked to my boss and was able to cut down to 32 hours a week. I still get benefits but I'm not as stressed!

Whatever you do, you definitely need to be diplomatic about it and try to resolve the situation calmly. (Even though I know you want to explode!)

Good luck and let us know how it turns out!

R. :0)

My suggestion would be offer another parent money to pick up your kids and keep them until you get off work. Maybe, one of his friends. And if you have full custody, I would give written notice to the school that only so and so can pick up your kids. If this is not a choice at the next school gathering in general conversation with the other parents the problem you are having and what would they do that way they will know the truth about what is happening with the grand parents.

Go in there to visit with the principal and take along your court documents. Let the principal know what's going on and demand change. Trust me it will work.

I am sort of in the same boat, but mine was a self-inflicted problem due to Alcoholism. I suggest you get a lawyer involved if only to protect your interests. I did not at the time but was in no shape to fight. I have since revised the custody issues, but the primary and secondary contacts can and should be established at the schools office with the two of you and NO in-laws. As for there changing this on their own, they may be violating the custody agreement because they think they know best. I suspect that they are in some form of violation to the agreement. I would check it out and send a firm but fair and polite message that you won't be mentally replaced as your sons' mother.

My first step would be to contact the school and make sure YOUR information is on the emergency contact forms. You can also include their father, but even if he did have sole custody, unless your parental rights were taken away, you have a right to be notified. (Make sure he is also listed on the forms.) You may have to include a copy of the custody agreement.

The next thing I would do is contact your children's teachers. Make sure you have their contact information (most school systems now have an email address for each teacher.) Let them know you would like an email alerting you to when paperwork comes home with your children.

The other thing I would do is discuss this with your ex. He needs to talk to his parents about inappropriately interfering. Even if you two were still married, the items that come home in the backpacks are really none of their business. I would calmly explain to him that he needs to let his parents know that if they continue this behavior, you will no longer allow them to pick the children up from school.

It may be inconvienent, but you have to be willing to make alternate arrangements. Is there a stay at home mom in your neighborhood that would be willing to have your kids over until you get home from work?

You also have to be willing to supply your ex husband with any information provided by the school...a copy of the forms AFTER you have completed them listing you and he as emergency contacts. If his parents do not stop this behavior, then go to the school and fill out the paperwork stating that his parents no longer have the right to visit your children at school, participate in any school functions involving your children and/or pick them up from school.

It may seem drastic, but you do need to put your foot down on some of these situations.

I agree with other people that have responded. You should really check into after school programs and the great thing is you're charged a smaller fee versus daycare. Also, it is very important to change phone #'s at their school and have them notify you of any emergencies. Really try to have a civil relationship with your ex in-laws, Remember you will still need them in case you're not availabe for an emergency. And even though you don't always agree with things they do or say, they are still your kids grandparents. I am fortunate to have great ex in-laws but unfortunaly that's not the case for everyone. Best wishes..pray for wisdom and patience towards your ex in-laws and ex-husband.

Hello, I have been divorce and remarried to the same man(stupid,YES!!) Anyway they did almost the samething Thank God I was very involved with the school.But you as a second parent have the right to go to the school and request that you get all the information sent to you.If he does not have full custody then you can be put on that paper as everything also they have to do this.My heart goes out to you but please get involved with thier lifes and the school even just email teachers My prayers are with you.

A.,

This one is hard. Do they live with him primarily? In case of an emergency who can get them?

If you want to have more then one contact I imagine you could just go to the school and make sure they have the correct inforamtion.

You should have "control" over there lives. If they are just picking them up and watching them for a few hours that's called babysitting. No making there major life choices. I know it's hard but there seems like there might be a silver linning with them in your life. More people to love the kids and care for them.

Good luck with this one. It's a hard road to walk.

A woman's greatest calling in life is to be a wife and mother. I'm sure you want the absolute best for your children and put them above all else in your life. As hard as it may be to do, I would suggest giving up your out-of-the-home job and take control of your kids daily lives', like you said. It's usually fairly easy to trim your monthly budget of things like eating out, gas to and from work, dry cleaning, and many other things, so quitting work may very well pay for itself. You will be there to pick your kids up from school, be in the know about the circumstances at school, and can head off any arguments and conflicts with your ex and in-laws. This will greatly benefit everyone- you get to spend more time with your kids and build strong relationships, your kids will always remember that YOU were there for them, and the problems that it will prevent will take much stress off of you and your kids- and I'm sure you know that they pick up on any and all animosity between you and their father and grandparents, which is not healthy for them at all. Hope this helps- keep your head up! :)

My first approach would be the school. I would go up there and ask why YOU were not notified of an evacuation. Also tell them under any circumstances are there any other emergency contacts except FATHER and MOTHER. And that is to NOT change. Bring a copy of the divorce papers, and leave with them the copies of JUST the childrens section.

I had to do this with my oldest day care when she was younger (and so was I), and let me tell you THEY HONORED IT.

As for the IL's, I would kindly tell them to stop whatever it is they are doing. YOU are the kids MOTHER. Express your concern, then leave. Dont let them even have a chance to explain or give you any bs story.

Good Luck!

A take-control action would be to immediately speak up-front with the school staff member in charge of the evacuation & express your experience of not being called. Then get your ex in-laws off of the school and/or daycare emergency contact list! Locate a few trusted neighbors, church members or relatives of yours nearby that would be willing and responsible about being on the list at the school. Emphasize that you are to be the first person notified, and be prepared to show up to get the children, no matter what. Place a copy of your custody order on file at the school in both children's records and inform the staff no one but you or the designated people is allowed to pick up your children.
have your attorney draft a letter on letterhead informing your ex and his parents that any false statements made regarding this matter would jeopardize his ability to have visitation in the future. Surprisingly, it works.