My sister-in law had two miscarriages (one in late 2006 and another in early 2007) and finally had her first baby in November 2007. She and her husband are now trying for their third and I just found out that she had another miscarriage. The problem is that she acts like nothing is wrong around her mother and me, but her husband sees a different side of her. He says she is depressed all the time and irritable. They have a 1-year old. He says that he is afraid that she is holding it all in and will one day do something drastic. He has talked to her and asked her to talk to her mom or to ask her doctor for support groups, but she ignores him. I WANT to help her, but I don't know how. I love her like a sister and don't want her to be depressed. I've never gone through the pain she is going through. She has not reached out to me to talk, but he has asked me to try to get her to talk about her feelings. How do I do that?
J.,
Just be there - and talk to her. You don't have to talk about the miscarriages. Just talk. Eventually it will come out, or she will calm down, hopefully. Talk about her baby. At a year, s/he's got to be doing all kinds of cool stuff, and you are an aunti now.
Good luck,
M.
I feel that I need to respond to this. I had 5 miscarriages. It was such an intensely alone time. You have no idea when you have a miscarriage how many women share your experience. We just don't talk about death comfortably in this society. We are ashamed of it. Your sister-in-law probably has such a mixture of feelings - depression, grief, loss, inadequacy, a mistrust of her own body, existential crisis - that she can't share them. I remember sitting at my telephone wanting to talk to someone and just not knowing who I could call to talk about these things. I finally did find a support group at a hospital and it became a very important part of my life. I think you can help by getting some real help yourself. Why don't you go to a support group and find out what other people in her situation feel. I can't imagine that if you approach her in a very real and supportive way that she won't be relieved. Find a way to offer your support in as gentle a way as possible. Tell her you are there for her. Tell her she can call you at any time of the day or night and talk to you about anything. Assure her that it is ok for her to share with you. And then if she does, assure her that the sharing is completely private. Don't try and fix her problem, cause you can't. Just be there for her. And when she is ready offer her options - support groups that you've found that are good and ready to be there for her. Offer her a list of people that she can call who have recently had miscarriages. Good luck - what she is going through is very, very painful and she needs you.
Losing a child in any fasion is extreamly hard. After losing my first son I was patted on the hand sent home from the hospital and basically told to go have another one. I had to do my own research on finding books and support groups in the area. Unfortunatlly I don't remember anymore what I did the searches under. A good start would be the library under child health or pregnancy. Do some search engine work also to find local support groups. Even if your sister in law wont go, go yourself and encourage her husband to go to learn positive ways of supporting her. Yes there are things that people often say meaning well but only hurt when it's you going through the pain. I wish you all well!!
BE GENTLE!!! I had a miscarriage in July 2007 and was devestated. I eventually had to go on meds and get counseling. My friends saw one me and my husband another. If you have a chance simply say that if she needs to talk about anything that you would be honored to listen. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy and that you may not have all the answers but can offer a listening ear. Then leave it at that and if she comes to you LISTEN don't TALK!!! Don't tell her you know what she is going through and don't try to "FIX" it. Tell her you will help her anyway if that means prayer, going with her to a doctor or counselor or just letting her say whatever she feels without judgement. My healing started when a friend who did go through it talked about it and then let me talk without"fixing" it because there is no fix. The pain never goes away but it gets managable (most of the time). I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and the fear of it happening again is here with me every moment of every day. I believe that God is in control and I pray often for the safety and wellbeing of my baby but still fear loss. You can only support her, listen to her, love her but not push. she needs time to heal and deal and will talk when she is ready. A.
Be straight forward and honest with her and brace yourself for any response.
When you are alone with her ask her what it was like to have a miscarriage. She may or may not want to talk about it. What ever her reaction is...let her know right out that you care and love her, that you see through her struggle in trying to hide her depression and know it's not only not healthy for her but that depression also effects her relationship with her family....that everyone picks up on it encluding her child and that's the way it goes with depression..... Ask her to get her self into therapy to work out her inner issues about it. Then drop the subject...meaning don't nag about it.
If she gets annoyed and tells you to mind your business.....tell her "You and your happiness are my business, you're my friend and I love you." Either then change the subject or walk away....give her a chance to think about what was said....Call her a few days later, ask if the two of you are ok...if she doesn't want to talk to you, just let it go...she'll come around when she's ready.
You can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink....
Her husband needs to be the one to insists that her depression is a problem for the family unit and that they need to go to a therapist together. All you and her Mom can do is be as supportive as you can...
You must be so upset for her! I would ask her mom to babysit, and then you take her to lunch. Someplace she really loves, and then out for a pedicure (or something like that.) I wouldn't push the talking part, at first.
Do this sort of thing a couple of times, just listening and watching her cues. When you see an opportunity, when it doesn't feel pushy or invasive, tell her exactly how you feel. I wouldn't try to work it out of her, or anything like that. Just use an "I" message, and let her know what's up in your head and heart.
Ex: I love you so much, and you've been through hell. And please feel free to tell me to take a hike here, but I just wanted to tell you- I'm so worried for you. I'm scared you're depressed. I want to help, and don't know what to do. Etc.
That's all you can do. Love her hard! Your brother needs to take her for couple's counseling, which will hopefully lead her to getting individual therapy. Nobody can be ok after three miscarriages. That kind of loss would devastate any of us.
Good luck. Your devotion and kindness are such gifts to her, and your whole family!
Like many who responded here, I also had miscarriages. 3 very shortly after I found out I was pregnant, and 3 that required D&C. While everyone is going to respond differently, I bet most of us put the blame on ourselves. "If only I'd tried this in my 20s..." "If only I ate better/exercised more/did yoga..." For me, it was reassuring to hear about other women who had miscarried, and I did tend to avoid talking about it with my friends who had never had fertility problems.
For me, the absolute hardest part was that my husband's reaction was so different than mine. He never seemed to worry or stress about it, which felt like indifference to me. It caused a lot of problems in my marriage. So if her husband is worried and wants her to get help, please suggest to him that he can be the greatest source of help. As a couple, they need to face this together. If he found a support group and they went together, it may help her feelings of aloneness and helplessness more than anything else.
There is no real way to help her but to let her know you are there if she needs you...on that note remind your brother to be patient...I explained it to my husband like this..."honey I know you are feeling pain and loss, but your pain and loss are of something that could/might have been, my pain and loss are of something that was...it was apart of me and now it's gone." A light went on when I explained it like that to him, we women become mothers the moment we pee on that stick and we see a positive sign...my husband became a father the day he held our son 9 months later...yeah he thought the movement in my womb was neat, but reality hit when he held our first child...it's just different for men and women...and it's okay to grieve differently...on that note...if he is truly worried that she may "snap" he needs to call her doctor, and go from there...there is no shame in therapy...even though her mind may tell her it's not her fault, she could be feeling like it is, like a failure...I hope she comes around..and when you are with her gently remind her how wonderful the child she has is and how lucky she is to have her(if you can do it w/o sounding like you're trying to cheer her up).
J.,
A friend of mine suffered from miscarriages until they were able to identify why she was having them. Hopefully your sis is getting appropriate medical care to determine the cause of the miscarriages. What I would do...I would get with her and cry about it to her...showing her how emotional it is for you to lose this little life (it is a loss for you too), and maybe when she sees you crying about it it will help her share her feelings. Don't feel like you have to be strong for her...let her see your feelings...but by all means be genuine about it...don't fake tears if you don't feel them, but I'm sure you probably do.
D.
35 year old mother of 5 with one more on the way
J.,
As someone who has had many miscarriages I can tell you it is really tough to go through no matter how early in the pregnancy it happens. The best thing you can do for your sister-in-law is to talk to her and let her know you are there for her no matter what. Also try doing more with her, if she is depressed then daily contact is a plus for her and her family. My girlfriend called my doctor and told him I was really depressed and that she was worried so my doctor called me and we talked things out and then did so again when I went in for a follow up appointment.
I was lucky to have met an infertility specialist who was able to figure out why I miscarried; thanks to her I now have 2 more beautiful boys whom are my miracle babies. Let me know if you want her name and information.
Hugs,
T.
just tell her you don't know what she is going thru.. but you can only imagine. Tell her that you pray for her and that you hope she will get pregnant again and that things will go good. Tell her if she ever needs to talk.. your their for her. Give her a hug... and let her know you feel badly.. but you are happy that she has been blessed with a child. I had 4 misses and it was devastating. We adopted 2 children finally... and now I'm very happy-- but it was bad for a while. you feel like your body let you down. You feel no good. you look at others especially when ;you hear them say it was easy to get pregnant... or when are you going to try?? you could scream. good luck
Hi J.,
I myself had a miscarriage before my daughter (age 8) was born and it was a tough time. I did not talk about my miscarriage much and only to certain people. Since then I have realized that other people in the same situation do grieve differently. My good friend of 20 years also experienced the devastation of miscarriage and she felt better talking it out and crying in the shower. Together we decided to try to help other women and their families and friends get through a miscarriage based on our own experience and start the healing process - we started www.OurHopePlace.com - "helping friends cope, hope and heal after miscarriage." We have a section for the woman who has experienced a miscarriage (advice and what other miscarriage sufferers went through), a section for the friends and family and another section specifically for the spouse of the woman explaining how he may be feeling (which is usually different then the woman.) We also have a blog which has helped many be able to express the emotions they are feeling during this tough time - Our Hope Place Blog: http://ourhopeplace.wordpress.com
Please check out our website for yourself (tips on what to say and do for your sister-in-law) and please forward to her and her husband (and families) if you like what we have to say.
Hoping to help,
L.
www.OurHopePlace.com
"Friends helping friends cope, hope and heal after a miscarriage."
Our Hope Place Blog: http://ourhopeplace.wordpress.com
I wouldn't start a conversation with her about this I'd just make it a point to be around and talk with her about everything else. Obviously she hasn't gotten it figured out yet and doesn't want to share. Totally understandable.
I've been in her place and acted the same way. I never wanted anyone to really see what having 2 miscarages was doing to me and I did not want to admit to myself how messed up I was. I felt like the miscarages were caused by something being wrong with me, something I could not fix and defiantly something I did not understand. I shut very one out, even my wonderfully supportive husdand. I did not want anyone to take pity on me and everytime someone asked my how I was thats what I felt like they were doing. It's hard when people alway ask oh how are you, when you know it's because you are going throught a tramatic event, It feels like all others see in you is what your going through. The only real advice I have is to really show her and tell her that you are there for her if she ever wants to talk. But if she is anything like I was she probably won't but It's always good to be reminded of how much you mean to other people. I wish her happiness some how things usually work out. After 2 miscarrages and fertility treatments I now have 2 amazing healthy kids.
This all depends on your SIL's personality. I just had my 2nd miscarriage. I had my first the spring of 2005 - had a healthy baby 6/06. We started to try for #2 and had a D&C the day after Christmas 2008. They don't know why - apparently lots of pregnancies end in miscarriage when it's not viable and the body knows. So, I kind of know how she feels - but for me - I'm really ok. I had my moments - but it's not hitting me that hard (maybe it would if God forbid I do get to 3!)
Now, if it were someone else I know - she would view it as a failure and a weakness of hers. She'd be ok around everyone else, but not at home. Chances are, if your SIL is holding it in and her husband (I assume this is your husband's sister) is the one who sees it all at home - she views it as a weakness and will not be open to talking to anyone outside the confines of her home (if she is even willing to talk about it there).
In that instance - you need to be gentle. You can open a conversation with 'I' statements, "I would feel...", " I can only imagine..." and those kinds of things. If you bring up that her husband asked you to talk to her - it may make her deck of cards fall and backfire on you both.
My suggestion is that you be there for her - by calling and taking time to be with her. Absolutely be open to the conversation about the miscarriage and even bring it up once or twice, but when (b/c it's likely NOT an 'if') she doesn't want to talk about it with you - you can't push it.
My other suggestion is to tell him to be the heavy and take her to counseling - either by herself or together. One way to do it is to say something like "I know you don't want to talk about this stuff (or I know you feel ok with all of this), but I am having a hard time dealing with my feelings and I want to be there to support you and be there for you and I don't know how. I would like someone to help me be a better person for you and our family, but I can't do it alone b/c it involves both of us." Basically, asking her to go to therapy but taking all the responsibility so she doesn't feel like she's being asked to go in order to be told all the things she's doing wrong. Chances are, as long as the therapist is good - she'll begin to open up more.
Good luck - it's hard when someone is having such a hard time. I hope that helped.
First of all your SIL is lucky to have you as a friend. Miscarriage is a very hard thing to cope with. Unless you have had one you cant really know how she feels. I say this so you wont make the mistake of saying it to her. And dont tell her she can always try again. Here is a good online support site that might give you some ideas of how to help her. And if she has a computer it might help her to communicate with other women who have experienced her loss.
http://www.angelfire.com/emo/miscarriage/
Bless you for being there and loving her.
I would suggest finding a pregnancy resource center that offers counseling in loss of children. It is never good to act as if you haven't had a loss and properly mourn each child. Best wishes to you all.
