Seeking Advice on ADHD Child

Please get the book HELIPING THE CHILD WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES FIND SOCIAL SUCCESS by Richard Lavoie.
There is a whole chapter on the different things ADD or Adhd children can and can not do. These children can be anywhere on the scale but it does not look normal to us.

My son has ADD and he's never been particularly destructive. He's very forgetful though and has left Yu -gi-oh cars and other toys in his pants pockets to be run through the washing machine. He's lost more hoodie's than I can count, ditto hats! He's recently lost the MP3 player he got for Christmas. *sigh(he looses things but doesn't break them)

With the exception of the hoodie and the hat, nothing is being replaced. He's being taught to be responsible for his belongings. He's 12, will be 13 this year.

I don't think being destructive is necessarily a trait of ADHD, it's more a personality trait. I would suggest that the things that are destroyed to not be replaced if they belong to him. If he wants another item, he will have to work to pay for it. That might help him not tear it up again if he can relate hard work with the items.

The problem with ADHD is it is rarely the only diagnosis a child has. I would look at other things like conduct disorder and oppositional defiant disorder and see if those sound like him. You might try Wikipedia, I haven't looked those up there, but I have looked up other medical things on there for school and it has been an invaluable resource.

Hi S.,

I agree with Melissa that every child (with or without) ADD/ADHD is different. My soon to be 18 year old was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6 and I certainly wouldn't say he broke things or messed with other's toys. He's always been a little messy, but I'm not sure that is an ADHD trait but more just him.
I am NOT saying it may be a parenting issue, because I think we all do the best we can with what we know ourselves, but are you sure you're friend isn't using an ADHD diagnosis for an excuse for his behavior? Speaking for our family alone, we didn't have behavior issues, but told our son that his ADHD was NOT an excuse for not trying in class. And we were able to prove it this last semester in high school. He has not been on meds since his sophomore year which was a family decision for medical reasons. As a senior he was taking a calculus class and really didn't like his teacher so he didn't try and didn't get very good grades. When we threatened to make him stay home instead of going to college, amazing his grades went up to a B! And this is a college level calculus class his senior year in high school. My point is, if they know there are clear expectations, and you know they are capable of meeting the expectations, ADHD or any diagnosis for that matter shouldn't be an excuse for behavior.

Good Luck and in Good Health.

Lori K

Hi S.,
Children with ADHD do seem to have a lack of responsibility and understanding in that area. I know how frustrating it is, because my oldest has ADHD. The only thing I've found that comes close to helping is by consequences, if he gets into trouble at school then I have school books here that I make him do assignments out of. If he's not responsible with his games, toys then I take them away for a period, so forth. Good luck!

Our son is six and was diagnosed early with ADHD, so we have had early intervention for him. Yes this is a trait, even on meds, an ADHD child can go from one thing or project or toy to the next and have 20 things going at one time. In less than 15 minutes a perfectly clean home can have 4 or 5 rooms in complete disarray. Praise and punishment have no affect on these children and this is not a product of poor parenting. We have two children and our daughter is very neat, clean, and takes very good care of her things and becomes very upset when our son destroys her things too. The best thing your friend can do is see a pediatric psychologist and neurologist for the diagnosis, not a general pediatrician. Then treatment can begin and sometimes it involves the whole family. The hardest thing for the parents or onlookers to understand, is that these kids are usually highly intelligent, so why can't they pick up after themselves or remember to perform simple request. It is part of who they are and it can be very frustrating and tiring for the family and caregivers. Good luck to your friend.

Hi S.,

I have two children one with ADD a Boy now 27 years old and a daughter 15 with ADHD. I can tell you it is a constant struggle for parents who deal with ADHD children. Some do not believe in medication and refuse to place their children on any medication for disorder. I think this is a personal decision with families and should be addressed as such. I also have a friend who has a ADHD child a 14 year old boy. We all struggle with them leaving destruction in their path. Punishment never works because their attention span is so short they forget why their even being punished. Some things that have worked best for me in her teenage years is a structured environment. It has been a long process but since the 5th grade my husband I have set boundaries and timeframes for study, chores, playtime, dinner ect. Sometimes it is hard to stick to the timeframes with our busy lifestyle but it has paid off. My daughter now 15 1/2 cleans her room frequently and picks up after herself much better. She is not 100% but she is moving in the right direction. She also takes Concerta once daily during the school year and maintains a 3.77 GPA which she would not do otherwise. She sees her Dr. 2 times a year and is monitored for side effects. During the summer we do not give her the medication and what a difference in mood swings and outbursts. Just remember your friend’s child is also going through hormonal changes and she is dealing with that as well. The ADHD child needs structure and consistency... That is the best advice I can give....
S.

is he on meds? this is the thing that has helped my "destruco-child" i'm not at all saying meds fixed this issue, but helped. we are now working on "self control" which is a tough one for these guys (and me,too!)
iguess i don't really have any advice. i'm there,too. however, my boy is 8. thinking of him being a teen.... holy crud. don't really wanna think about it! God bless

Each ADHD child is different. My son is ADD so we do not have the hyperactivity. He is very respectful of his things and especially respectful to others items. He rarely breaks anything and if he does it really upsets him! He has cried on occassion for breaking a $2.00 toy. He has a great sense of respect not only for toys but for people them self.
My nephews on the other hand dont care and will not even bat an eye. My son does not let them play with his stuff when they visit. He always takes them outside to play. He doesnt want his stuff broken and he will tell you that.

Hi S.,

I think every kid is different. I can tell you that central to AD/HD is impulsivity. It amounts to having no brakes. They think it, they do it. There is no lag time for consideration of consequences. Also, they have time blindness. The only time is now. They are very challenged to remember consequences from past actions and to consider consequences from current actions.

Often kids with AD/HD get very little praise or feedback that is positive. They are in trouble and disapproved of much of the time. They are likely to act out for attention or become the joking kind of clown kid, believing that they are completely powerless to affect their lives in a positive way. And, in some ways, to some degree, I'd say that they are.

So, I guess my point is that whether this is a characteristic of AD/HD or not, the child is probably not any happier about breaking stuff and the wave of destruction caused than you or the mom are.

I find that having kids play outside or do something physical that involves their body, not things where there is very little to destruct or with close supervision is the only way to prevent the problem you describe. This can make for a high maintenance activity. If you're up for making sure the experience holds just a little more success than failure, though, you may contribute to helping this teen who sounds troubled.

I would hope that the parent would pursue a good pediatric psychiatric evaluation. This teen sounds like an individual at high risk for all sorts of big trouble. Untreated AD/HD has alarming statistics as kids get older.

L. C.

My MIL sent me this link the other day about kids with ADHD and ADD. It doesn't really answer your question specifically but I thought it might help in other areas for your friend and anyone else that might be reading this.

http://deseretnews.com/article/1%2C5143%2C700228585%2C00....

teen years are just hard. I would do the same thing that they are suggesting for the 6 year old twins. Anything left out dissapears. Clearly state what you expect and walk away.

Hi S., I don't know much about adhd but it couldn't hurt to get an Hair Analysis done. I have been told when our bodies have too much of toxic metals in them it can effect our behavior. A hair analysis would tell you what metals and minerals, etc. are coming out of the body. I go through my Chiropractor and he uses ARL (Analytical Research Lab) and cost about $60 dollars. Just a thought....Good Luck

Has the child been tested for ADHD? Is he taking any medication? If he is, it may need to be adjusted dosage wise. He may also need a totally different medication all together. ADHD kids usually have trouble staying focused on one thing for too long. You could try checking out resources online for additional help.

Good luck to you and your friend!

wow- sounds like my 12 year old! can't wait to see the responses.

My oldest has ADHD and was always large on top of it. He was like a bull in a China shop. He was not maliciously breaking things or making a mess, it just seemed to constantly happen. Although it could be frustrating, we really did not punish him for these things. When something broke, we would ask him to try and be more careful, but I always felt like he really couldn't help himself. He tended to be a little careless. My son was also able to leave quite a mess from room to room. We had him help clean up to take responsibility, but we didn't punish him for it. He was a good kid with a heart of gold. We did not make too big a deal out of it. He wound up breaking things as well - multiple folding chairs, recliners, his bed. We would leave up his creations/ mess for a few days. And then it would have to come down. He had the most trouble during his high school years. He has now graduated college, and was able to gradually get control of himself and his large body. (He is 6' 4" and 250 pounds.) I would try to not make too big a deal of it, unless your friend feels that it is maliciously done. Just have him contribute to the solution. I would just keep loving him and supporting him, and be as patient as possible. He probably just needs time to gain control over himself. He is the important one, not things that can be replaced or picked up. Do not destroy his self image. My son was able to get past it - he only needed time. Good luck.

If he is on meds you might want to try something new. I had to it worked

I have a 9 year old nephew that is the same way (he's ADHD as well). I live with him and my sister. It can be frustrating at times but he's a very sweet kid. I think patience is very important to have but it's hard to be sometimes. He's already on medicine so I'm not sure what else can be done. Tell your friend to hang in there!

Hi, S.. My son has ADHD, but is only 8 years old, so I am unsure how it affects the teenage years. Goodness knows, hormones are a factor in everything they do. I also think natural consequences are the best teacher of negligent behavior. At 14, he should be responsible for his own things, ADHD or not. I know that charts are used to help kids keep track of responsibilities, and that may help as a reminder. With ADHD, focusing on things is difficult, and his attention may not be long enough to see the consequences of his actions. He may need his dose altered since his hormones might be altering the effects. I don't think praise or punishment will be as effective as letting him see what happens when he leaves his room a pit and no one cares, or he leaves someone else's house a pit and they don't invite him back. Natural consequences are good for discipline. Hope this advice helps. God Bless.

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Thanks,
V.