Help....Calling On ADHD W/ Oppistional Parents

Please pick up the book "10 days to a less distracted child." He also has a book called "10 days to a less defiant child." I highly, highly recommend both books.

My son was diagnosed with ADHD about 4 months ago. He struggles with impulse control, staying on task, easily distracted, anger, and being HORRIBLY unorganized. We have been in counseling with him for the past 4 months.
We learned that he doesn't do things to be willfully disobedient, but just does them very "spur of the moment" without thinking about consequences. We have been online to read about symptoms of ADHD in pre-teens. (My son is 12)
For my son, in particular, it felt like I was consistently nagging him to do things. But MY son only can do one thing at a time. So, instead of telling him to clean up the kitchen I had to break it down...
"son, can you please empty the dishwasher?"
"Good job! It looks great!"
Can you please clean off the table?
Great! Table looks good!
Can you please rinse all of the dishes?
Good job getting all the food off the dishes?
Nice!
Can you please put all the dishes in the dishwasher?
Good job stacking the dishes!
Can you please wipe down the counters?
Great job! The kitchen looks good!

And NOW we start at the top, give praise, and ask what he thinks the next thing is that he needs to do. Slowly teaching him to think in steps.
It takes a lot of patience. I get it.
For my son we had to figure out what his "currency" was. It's his phone. So, when dishes are done he may have his phone, or xbox, or tv for 1/2 hour.
then it's on to homework.
God. It REALLY does take patience!
I highly highly highly suggest a counselor for your son AND you (and your spouse if you are married). We are finding that my husband and myself were not on the same page and what MY son needs more than anything is consistency.
Do NOT let your son use his diagnosis as a crutch. Children and adults with ADHD can become active participants in LIFE! Justin Timberlake has ADHD (and OCD), Channing Tatum, Tim Howard (USA soccer goalkeeper)(ADHD, OCD, and Tourettes), Adam Levine...the list goes on and on.

When you say ADHD with Oppositional, do you mean with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)? My son has ADHD and was once diagnosed with ODD. His was acute caused by a very, very frustrating school situation. Once we removed him from that situation and he began to get used to the new school and learn skills, the ODD was gone. Not every child has an acute case, but it's worth considering if there is anything going on in his life that might be causing psychological "trauma" (for lack of a better word).

Your definition of ADHD is very simplistic. You're not wrong in that this is how ADHD manifests itself in some people, but many, many people with ADHD experience other struggles.

My son doesn't have trouble paying attention. Also (and this is very common), if it's something he loves, he can get hyper focused on it. He struggles with staying on task, he struggles with multi-step directions. Some of my son's struggles are do to Autism, but it's often difficult to separate the two.

My son is currently in counseling. He goes to a counselor once a week, and she works with him on a variety of topics. For a long time, he was working on coping skills for times when he gets overwhelmed or frustrated. He knew those skills forwards, backwards and upside-down and often declared "no more coping skills!" So his counselor very wisely began working with him on understanding what his body is doing BEFORE he gets upset. That has been huge! My point is, a good counselor can work wonders.

ADHD isn't a discipline problem in the sense that kids are undisciplined. They are living in a world that wasn't designed with them in mind. They need to learn how to adapt so that they CAN live in this world. Counseling, Occupational Therapy, Social Skills - those are all things that can be extremely helpful for your son.

Talk to your son's doctor about services in your area. It actually sounds like your son is doing pretty well, but he will benefit greatly from the support of a professional who knows how to help kids with ADHD.

For what it's worth, I'm so glad you did not press charges against the classmate that hit him with the jumprope. He was completely out of line, don't get me wrong. But kids do stupid things, use poor judgement and make bad decisions. Involving the police would not have helped that situation one iota. I think you made the right call.

What are you doing in terms of treatment? A diagnosis is a wonderful and necessary first step but there should be treatment plan in place. What typically is most effective is a combination of medication, counseling, and accommodations at school for academics and behavior.

My oldest son, now 19, was dx'd with ADHD-inattentive in 2nd grade. I was very wary of medication back then and did a lot of therapies outside of medication. They were effective to a degree but took more time and energy than I had. He eventually tried various medications and none were a good fit for him. Luckily for him, his ADHD makes him a little spacey and forgetful and affects him academically but doesn't affect his behavior in a negative way.

My second son, now 13, was diagnosed with ADHD-combined type and his neuro-psych eval showed indicators of oppositional defiance as well. For him, medication has been a miracle. It took about 6 months to find the most effective dose for him. Once he was on it and it was working, he really felt the benefits and now doesn't like to be without it. He normally takes a long-acting med that keeps him awake for 14 hours after he takes it. If he wakes up too late on a Saturday, he'll take a short-acting med so that he can sleep that night. On a recent Saturday he was on a short-acting med and invited to a sleepover later in the day. He insisted on taking another short-acting med because he was worried that when he was with his friend, as the evening wore on, his "unmedicated" self would come out and he doesn't like when he's off meds around his friends because he finds himself talking about random things, making noises and being annoying (his words) and he also knows that he runs his mouth, says mean things, has no filter and gets really irritable.

We also did counseling for him for over a year. The focus of the counseling was on things like how to get along with other people, how to change how others treat you by changing your behavior, learning to control what you can control and deal with the rest, learning to get work done instead of putting it off and making it worse/harder, etc. He's certainly still a work in progress (especially with school) but things are night and day around here from where we were a couple of years ago, when I had a boy who felt out of control and didn't like himself or anyone else very much. Years of being "that annoying kid" has affected his social life somewhat but he does thankfully have a handful of friends (most of whom also have ADHD so they can stand putting up with each other) who have stuck around.

If he's not on meds and getting counseling, please start that ASAP. It's really needed and will make a world of difference. With the right medication at the right dose, you will notice a remarkable difference. If you're not seeing that difference yet, keep working with his prescriber to find the right type and dose.

For books, I really like The Kadzin Method for Parenting Your Defiant Child. We used this years before my son was diagnosed and found that it really did help curb some of his most irritating behaviors like being a really loud and non-stop talker. Ned Hallowell also has an excellent series of ADHD books. He has it himself and I think his kids do too. He's a doctor who runs an integrative health center in Massachusetts. I can't afford that treatment but I have friends who have gone there who say it really helped. He used to be all about medication but over the years, has expanded his practice and recommendations to include other therapies that can also be effective.

overall you sound like a sensible low-drama mama, which will be very helpful for your son. not sure why the jumprope incident is in here (it was the other kid who was at fault, and the teacher should have reprimanded your son for moving too quickly if necessary) but i'm glad you decided not to escalate it. i promise you it's not just the 'bad kids' who lose it at this young age and lash out. it behooves all parents to tread cautiously between the extremes of 'kids will be kids' and 'zero tolerance for violence!'

the spat between the three boys also sounds pretty typical. i suppose it's nice that the school gets in there and suggests 'mediation' and so forth. but i'm mostly with joe. if he doesn't like your son he gets to not like your son. talking it out is wonderful some of the time but we sure do spend an awful lot of time 'mediating' between normal childhood interactions that could be equally well handled with a stern 'stay away from each other for the rest of the week.'

but your last two paragraphs do indicate a boy with some issues that he needs help with, and i'm glad you're looking at ways of providing it, both for his sake and the whole family's.

i've got a friend who's got a son with a slew of letter diagnoses, including ADHD and ODD. unfortunately there's no one-size-fits-all solution. their approaches have included a very careful and simple, healthy diet, counseling to give him more coping tools, medication (some of which has been helpful, some not, again you almost have to give it a whirl to find out, no two kids have the same physiology), natural consequences and lots and lots and lots of patience.

keep calm and carry on is the buzzword for mamas in your shoes. best of luck to all of you.
khairete
S.

My daughter is now 18 and a college freshman. She's ADHD with GAD. Her therapist helped TREMENDOUSLY with the anxiety, and that's almost never a problem anymore. Her ADHD has been treated with a low dose of adderall, school days only, and her health and weight has been closely monitored by her doctor. She hasn't had friend or social problems though, her issues are strictly school/focus related. She had an IEP in place starting in 5th grade, receiving resource and counseling/psych support through high school and that made a huge difference as well.
What kind of treatment is your son getting now? If he's not on any medication I hope he is receiving therapy, especially for the ODD. That condition could cause him all kinds of problems as he heads into his teen years. I hope you are working with his doctor and a therapist because getting advice from other parents may be somewhat helpful but it's not nearly enough. He needs professional support and so do you! If he's not on an IEP yet get the process started NOW. Good luck!

You don't mention whether or not your son takes medication. I cannot strongly advise enough the positive aspects that the correct medication can bring to your son's life. It will be very, very difficult to see through the "fog" of his ADHD/ODD without meds - once the fog is broken up a bit, he can start to learn some tools that will help him deal with situations that he is less able to deal with without the meds. The hope being that with enough tools, the medication can later be reduced or eliminated, or just on school days or whatever works best.

I have a child with ADHD (severe/combined) and just about every other letter of the alphabet. I also have an ODD child, with tons of other existing conditions. One thing I wish I would have done much earlier was get rid of the video games/electronics in my children's lives. We didn't do it until they were like 12 and 14 (now 16/18). I truly cannot, cannot, cannot believe the different it made! The first 30 days were the roughest, but after that, it was like a miracle in so many ways. Our oldest gets 30 minutes of TV time a day (60 on the weekend). No video games. No cell phone. His exposure to electronics at school is limited. Right now, he is able to function with a non-stimulant (he cannot take stimulants like Adderall as of 2 years ago due to another medication he MUST be on being contraindicated). No one would have guessed that he would be able to manage. Even his doctor said it was largely to the limited access to screen time that helped him manage his behaviors with less/lower medications.

Additionally, it sounds like your child struggles in social situations. Does he meet with the school psychologist on a regular basis? How about a therapist outside of school. Does the school offer social skills classes (ours did in middle school). Our oldest spend alot of time doing role playing social situations that helped him learn boundaries, staying out of other people's business, and most importantly even though he couldn't "help" the things he did, he needed to understand why other people didn't like it or got upset (which in turn helped HIM not to get upset).

Kids with official diagnosis of ADHD, ODD, and the ilk, need a 3 pronged approach for the best outcomes (IMO): home, doctor/therapist, school. All working together, all on the same page.

Good luck.

I can’t decide from your post whether you have an actual diagnosis or if you’re web diagnosing him. If you don’t have a factual diagnosis, I would encourage you to get started to see if he has ADHD or is just needing more guidance.

Seeing a life coach or counselor would probably help as well. Gaining social graces is a process. He might need additional help with that and I believe having someone he’s not related to help him with that might be a good thing. If there are any older boys (early high school) who can mentor him, he might be more open to that.

I personally love the series Love and Logic. They have a Love and Logic for Teens that helped me tremendously to navigate issues around teens. I highly recommend it.

And just so you know, a lot of the behaviors you are describing are typical growing pains. A lot of my son’s friends have gone through obnoxious stages.

One friend in particular, my son took to the side and explained why so many of their original friends were not interested in him being around. I admired my son for being honest and his friend appreciated it so he could self correct. Now they’re all good friends again and my son has a code word with him if his behavior starts shifting.

Parenting is hard work. Trying to mold another human is challenging. You want your son to be successful socially and academically. Talk to his teachers and see what they think.

#1 He won't ever learn anything if you don't let him have natural consequences. Taking his electronics obviously doesn't teach him anything. If he truly is ADHD then taking things away has zero effect on him. The low grades are there because he isn't physically able to follow what's going on.

If he was having seizures during class and unable to pay attention to the teacher would you blame him and take away his electronics? No? Why? It's the SAME thing. IF he's ADHD his brain is firing all over the place and information is randomly going everywhere and nowhere. He can't control this. He can work hard on focusing and stuff but his isn't at fault here.

Find some Love and Logic Parenting classes somewhere and go take them. Sometimes they offer them through local mental health facilities or the school system or even a church might host them sometimes.

#2 You need to find a psychologist in your area, or at a nearby Children's Hospital, that is LICENSED to perform evaluations for mental health issues on children. This means that they are able to have you and your spouse, his teachers, and possibly others, fill out questionnaires about your son, then this doc will take all the information and have your son come to their office for at least an all morning, should be most of the day, appointment to put them through a bunch of tests.

Our boy had a blast that day. He laughed and ran around and basically thought he was playing and getting a lot of attention. He scored very low in some areas and high in a few too.

#3 You have learned some good things about ADHD. Ritalin was a miracle drug for our boy. He took one in the morning at school, then another after lunch. By the time he got home the med was completely out of his system. No side effects, not lingering drugs in him, and he paid attention in school then didn't take the meds at home, only when he was going to be somewhere that he needed to sit down and listen and learn. We gave him a Ritalin before church on Sunday. We gave him a HALF pill after school if he had an activity where he needed to be calmer and more focused but we didn't give the Ritalin to him at all otherwise.

#4 Get him officially diagnosed but you need to do your research and look up 504 plans and IEP's. There is a HUGE difference in them when it comes to what they'll pay for to get accommodations for your child. They both help force the school district to supply things for your child. They should have programs that will help your son in the school system. But it all depends on the testing results and diagnosis.

My youngest has ADHD and no we have never gotten him diagnosed. We saw no need in it as we choose not to medicate him. We have done other things that help like caffeine which is an upper just like meds but don't have the same effect on his body. We did end up homeschooling him but that is not mostly because the ADHD but we did have issues with our school not following through with the IEP that we had for him. He is 15 now and a competitive trampoline and tumbling gymnast. We homeschool him because he misses school for meets and his last year in public school he went to some camps that cause him to miss as well. But the biggest thing was he was being bullied manly for being a gymnast and that was not ok with us. He is socially awkward and that is from the ADHD I think. Not usually thinking before he speaks. I agree with the others taking things away like electronics is probably not going to make a huge impact on him enough to make him change. I have friends that have their kids on meds in public school and when they don't do their work they take things away but from what I can see doesn't help. Just causes more aggravation for the parent and child. Counseling might help him and you learn some copping mechanizes that will help all involved.

What does your doctor say?
I don't think they make a diagnosis and then just send you home and say no more.
Did they recommend you take him to a counselor or therapist so you and he can learn some coping techniques?
I think a one shot workshop (or book or work sheet) isn't enough support to get you both through the process.
This will be a work in progress for quite a few years - two steps forward and one step back.
A support group I think is a wonderful idea and I think your doctor/counselor can point you in the right direction.