Seeking Help for Mom with a TEMPER!!

My husband and I have recently listened to a tape series called, "Scream Free Parenting" and it is helping us a lot. There is also a book. The author is Hal Runkel. Go to his website at www.screamfree.com and you will immediately get help from the video.

Blessings,

P. D

You do have to keep it all together. Especially your mental well being. Kneel down and pray to our Heavenly Father he will give you the strengh you need and desire. This will be the best start for you.

Then you need to go through your home and make a check list of what you expect of yourself, son and boyfriend. You need to make sure that your son is not having issues with your boyfriend and make sure that you don't neglect his precious opinions. Stay cool, talk in a low loving voice to help him understand the points you are making to him, explain in full detail making him check off the list you have made and that he understands the rules. You and your boyfriend should do the same so he sees that it's just not him w/the rules, but everyone in the house.

If he is having problems w/wiping let him do the laundry once so he sees what it's like. He's old enough to understand. Explain to him about mold and mildew and the cause and effect process so he understand what happens if the floor get wet. And then let him know if he continually does it that it is unaccepteable and find a suitable consequence. Like yard work. That gets them every time. Good Luck. And always pray together as a family, they need to know they have a strong,secure family unit.

I hear you and I feel for you and your son! At least you realize you have something to work on. I married an angry man whose father was angry and well...you get the idea. I of course had no clue when we married and it progressed over years. Anyway my story is not the same but because we have the issue in our home I think I can help. There is a book called the Heart of Anger by Lou Priolla that is quite good. There are many books and counselors willing to help but let me tell you it has been tough for my hubby and he still working on it. I just want you to know it is a process and will not change over night! Get an good support team and be accountable to someone for checking in and talking about what happens. Is this a learned trait for you or is it because of this particular child pushing all the right buttons? That may make a difference too but the above book I think will get you on the road! You are not alone in your frustration over how you respond and others who will support you on your quest for control will be your best tool for change.

Sincerely!

K. F

You have many things going on in your life which lead to an overwhelming sense of stress based on your bio and your request. Parenting a child with special needs is a very difficult task and one that your friends and family members often do not fully understand although they may have the best intentions. Telling you to count to 10 is not going to helpo you very much. The great thing is that you have idenitified your behavior. I would suggest that you see a therapist in your area. Yes, you will have to pay for it. And yes, you will have to add another thing to your already very busy schedule. But it will change your life because you will begin to work through your impatience and find the reasons for it and learn some tools to change it.

There is an excellent website http://www.parenttoparentofga.org/
and it has a very extensive database which includes parent support groups and many other resources for parents of children with disabilities, included ADD/ADHD. I suggest you read up on those resources and avail yourself of those that will apply to you and your child.

In the short term, ask one of your siblings or your mother or sister-in-law to partner with you to come up with some plans to helpo your child follow through on the tasks that are driving you crazy. Positive reinforcement usually works better than punishment but you have to be able to keep your cool to see the positives! This is hard for you right now but I think having another adult around that you love and trust and that your child loves and trusts will be helpful. I would also ask your family members to provide regular respite care so that you can have some time to yourself, something you probably lack due to your many work responsibilies. You have to care for yourself before you can care for someone else and this is most especially true for parents of children with special needs. Hope this helps, S.

Hi Yvonne,

I would suggest that you decide to have a system with your son that says that there is one offense/one consequence. So many times we think that we have to give them warning after warning and there be no real reason for them to comply/obey and remember even the responsibility issues such as those you described in the bathroom. This can many times cause our irritation/anger levels to rise because we don't see any change in them. They have no incentive to do so.

You sit down and think through what you would believe is a reasonable system, and then talk about it with your son. Ask him his thoughts, how he feels about your responses, etc. Remember: they respond how they see US act or react. They take their cues from us. If you use your system 100% consistently, 100% of the time, you WILL see a change. Be prepared, and give it some time, but it will happen.

Also, the ADHD thing . . . how is his diet? A lot of those "behavior" issues are a direct result of physical things. If he eats a lot of "junk food" or things with a lot of preservative, that will directly affect his ability to focus and control himself during schooltime. He could also be responding at school with what he's experiencing at home because that may be the only time he feels comfortable dealing with his own emotions. If there are no boundaries for him at school (except a drug that does NOT deal with the real problem), then again, there is no incentive to change or comply.

HTH

Based on my own experiences I'll ask this......are you on any medication that you've never taken before for at least a few weeks or more? Is there a pattern to your temper? Like a few days before you start your period??

I ask because a few years ago I tried to stop smoking and the DR put my on Zyban. Going on the 3rd week, I couldn't even stand to be around myself I was such a "B"!!! Like you, it was the little things that would send me over the edge where as I would normally blow it off. It took me about a week to realize it was the meds makeing me act short of nuts and I stopped taking them. After a few days I was back to normal. Still smoking but back to normal!! Now just this past OCT my hubby and I stopped smoking again, useing Chantix this time (I highly recommend this for any one that has tried everything else!!) and I did get moody more so than normal. Was it the pills or the fact that I was cranky from not smoking? Don't know but it wasn't as bad as the time before so I stuck with it.

Ok, now moving on to our own hormones.....Is it possible you might be starting the early stages of menopause? My mom started around her 40's and with every few months she would be crankier and crankier than the time before for about a week straight. Heck, I could hear it in her voice over the phone and we live 900 miles apart!! If this might be the case, talk to your DR about getting on the Pill if you can take it or some sort of hormone replacement therapy to help take the edge off of it.

Now I want to give you HUGS!! On top of everything, you really sound like you need a break from it all, home, paretning, work, everything. See if you can't get a friend or a family member to take your son for a weekend and spend some time with yourself. Get a message and a pedicure, relax. Do something you want to do!!

Good luck!
S.

I'm not sure I have advice to give- but know that you're not alone. I have a 4 yr old, and am dealing with the same things. Our patience is worn thin. I love my son's father, but he's really no help. I have to depend on myself to get things done, and there is all this burden on your shoulders. You feel overwhelmed...

I too have a temper with a short fuse. I have to remind myself- to give my son a lot of praise when he does the things that he should- That way it keeps him in that mode of continuing this phase of wanting to make me happy.

I dont know if you do that or not. But even if it feels unnatural to you- overly praise him for little things. At first I felt wierd- but it even helps with the other kids I have.

Like I said earlier- I may not have a lot of advice- but I definetly know where you're coming from.

Good luck!

Both my children have ADHD. I know that they can be a HANDFUL at times !!!! I have found that having a set daily routine helps. My kids do much better when there is structure. I do not know if you have a set routine, but I found this great website called www.flylady.com She helps you setup routines and make checklists to stay on track. I have checklists all over my house : ) I have checklist in the bathroom to remind my children to flush the toilet, wash their hands, etc.... That way I do not have to nag all the time. It has really helped us...

Ok, if you have to keep going over things with him over and over again, then he is displaying symptoms of ADHD at home. In order to be diagnosed ADHD, a child has to display symptoms in two aspects of his life (home and school or school and church or home and playtime) the most settings that parents bring up concerns is the symptoms being in Home and school. Now that being said, I feel your pain. I am the mother of a 5 year old girl who is ADHD and is medicated for school. She doesn't get medicated at home because I don't like having her on the meds but it does help her. So of the things that help children with ADHD is to have a set schedule. DO you have a set routine at home? Do you have a set list of rules?
All that being said, I know it gets frustrating at times. My daughter is great at school, not so much at home. She just forgets to do stuff like wipe, or put her shoes in a spot she can find them, and I know its hard not to go off.
My advice is this, work with him on his behavior, set up a daily reward system, set a routine, and have rules that are set in stone. We made a BIG poster of the rules and we do a red yellow green scale, and if at the end of the day she is on green (for home) she gets to stay up for 30 minutes watching tv. But if I have to tell her stuff over and over again, , (anna pick up your toys, anna close the bathroom door, put your shoes where we can find them in the morning)or she gets defiant, she moves down on the scale. SHe has a way to get back up on the scale. She has to be really good, does something helpful without being asked, etc.
Once you start working with him on his behavior take a deep breath. If you feel yourself starting to get angry because you are having to go through the little stuff, put HIM in his room, you shouldn't walk out of your house to get away from him, it gives him control and he is going to keep pushing those buttons because hes got control. Its probably not something he wakes up and decides to do. After all children with ADHD really cannot control there impulses. Some great stress relievers are singing really off key and loud to music, and stuff like that.
GOod luck.

Hi Y.,

It sounds like you have a lot of stress going on and some changes! I have a wonderful coach that may be able to help. I took his course over the summer and it helped me expand my business but also grow personally and handle every day stresses and the feelings of being an overwhelmed parent. He teaches you excellent tools to be able to look at a situation with a new perspective and handle most anything that comes your way! I highly recommend him. He would do a free consult to see if you would be interested. I think it's worth the time to talk to him, there will always be something that comes your way so it may be that looking at yourself and how you handle things first will help you then help your son. Especially with all the other stresses you mentioned at the end of your post. If you want his contact information let me know.
K.

Do you have access to any counseling services through a church or social group? There are group meetings out there for people with anger issues as well. My advice would be to talk to someone -your pastor, a best friend at least -anyone on a regular basis about how to better handle your temper. You can even call social services anonomously and ask for info on a counseling group for anger management. Also, have you talked to your son about why he is doing these things? He's 9 -old enough to explain why he won't wipe himself well or pull the shower curtain. I don't think it would be out of line for you to instill some type of reward for good behaviour and punishment for bad behaviour with these two things. Take away his favorite toy or tv privileges or whatever if he refuses to wipe or pull the shower curtain. Take him to his favorite restaurant, play place or get him a toy he's been dying for if he goes a month with good behavior. Also -how is his relationship with your partner of 5 years? Often it seems one only need to look to the boyfriend/girlfriend of a parent to find the answer to lots of problems with the kid. I'm not saying your significant other is bad or doing anything bad, but you must keep an eye out for these things.

First of all, your 9 year old is normal... I have a 9 year old too. She does the same things. find myself so frustrated with her that I don't want to be around her. (I still hug and kiss her, etc.)My husband travels and is gone all the time. I call him crying saying that I can't take it anymore. We also have a newborn which adds to the stress.
Second, give yourself a break! You are taking on too much responsibility if you are "the one thattry to keep it altogether." Not only are you not being fair to your child, but yourself too. You have to put yourself first, then everything will fall into place. Take a look at your finances, if you are in a hole, cut things loose. The problem with us is we over extend our credit and find ourselves struggling to keep our head above water and drown in debt.
Ask yourself this question "what do I do for myself that makes me happy on a DAILY basis?" Make your self happy... the old saying is true... if Mama ain't happy ain't no body happy! Good luck

Have you did research on children with ADHD. They can be a hand full but there are many ways you can work with him. Children with ADHD can be the most struggling child by showing they want attention from the parent and teachers. He is trying to tell you something but it is in a frustrating way for you. Three days out the week you both just need to sit down and have a mother-son outing or sit down and talk about what the problem is and how you both can solve it. He might love to be rewarded for doing well at home. Don't make yourself feel like a bad parent who is about to not care becasue you care so much you wouldn't ask for help. Talk to your doctor about you might feel that the medicine is making him act strange, becasue the medication works differently on each individual because each induidval body works differently. Research online how to work with a child with ADHA to make them calming and how to start is to google it and go from there. It is work but you will get through it and before you know it, it will be better for you.

Try making a check off list and hang it where he can get it. After he does something he has to check it off each time. At the end of the week if he has enough checks (which you two determine before hand) he gets a prize or go out to eat. This might help him feel special about accomplishing something and working towards something for himself.

Hey there,
For starters, if your son is diagnosed with ADHD - there is a natural product (PYCNOGENOL www.pycnogenol.com - (marine tree bark) that had gained award winning recognition, and noble peace prize for its abilities to help with so many conditions - ADHD / ADD is one of them. The results are very noticable. My sons teacher made a comment in his behavior, having no knowledge of me giving him anything at all. And as far as your temperment, Pycnogenol may prove to be beneficial for you as well - speaking from personal experience.
*wink*
It is an antioxidant (free radicals). You can find it at any Health Food Store. I wish you'all well.

Sounds like you need some time off!!!! Please take some time for yourself and think positively. IF you think that you are the problem do something for you. Visualize that your relationship with your son is good, and it will. Believe me. Good luck!

A glass of wine is what you need. I agree that is the small stuff. I am also 40 and have a 3yr old and a 4yr old. Sometimes you have to just sit back and laugh a little. Just try imagining life without them and that would give you a whole new prosective on things. So what he gets water on the floor he can easily go back and take a towel and clean it up. It only takes a few seconds. Imagine him leaving for college and you no longer have to do this. You'll miss it. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. And as far as working 40 hours and a side job, take time out for you. (Call in sick and go get a massage or do something you've always wanted to do but never had the time). You are important and if you don't take care of your body then it won't take care of you. And lastly...we just took a course at work by John C. Maxwell called "Today Matters" and it tells you how to balance work and family life to become successful. There are 12 daily practices to guarantee tomorrows success. Good luck and always have a personal joke on the inside to make yourself laugh. Get yourself a camera and start taking pictures of some of these things. You'll LAUGH later. LOL

my son is 10 and I have other mom friends with sons the same age - and your situation sounds all to familar -- so I don't think it is YOU.

I think that age is really learning and testing their independence - so (and you may have heard this before) it is very important that you "PICK YOUR BATTLES"

The restroom issue was my biggest as that had an impact on his social life (and mine) - my kid actually walked around smelling like poop - and acted as if he didn't notice - how could he not when anyone who got near him noticed it....

It was necessary to use baby wipes vs toilet paper - one of the TP manufactures actually hs a device you insert where you regualr roll of TP goes that dispurses wet TP off a roll - we just used wet wipes.

We increased the numbers of showers taken in a week sometimes 2 or more / day - and implemented a reward system - planned activities that we would only complete if he "smelled good" - going to the library / blockbuster to get a movie of his choice (maybe to watch with just you). Give him plenty of opportunity to be PROUD of himself. make it a "team" effort so he understands that you and he are on the same page.

My son will be 11 in 12 days - and well I can say the issue has gotten better if not all but gone -- but I did hve to live with that for the past 2 years.

Don't be so hard on YOU - remember to reward yourself too if he has a good week or couple of days - and be sure to recognize any and every little success both his and YOURS

Dear Y. W.
I read your concerns and I feel your pain. Unfortunately you are among so many mothers that are going through the same thing. What society has done is remove the mother from the home, and our children suffer from the lack of attention and nurturing. Based on what you are saying, your full time job and the business you are attempting to get started is taking up most of your time. As a result, you have no time for yourself which is causing stress and pressure. Do not think for a moment that your son does not feel this? The little things that he does is his way of getting your attention.

Secondly, children have to grow and evolve into mature adults, and they do not always make their beds perfectly everyday as we would like for them to. We have to constantly remind them in the same manner as our parents did for us.

The first thing to do is to start with yourself. You must build a relationship with God. This will bring about a peace and camlness within yourself. Your son will see the change in you, and this change will ultimately affect him. At the moment he is reacting on your reaction to yourself, to him, and your surroundings.

Make some time to focus on yourself. We live in a world where technology has taken over our lives. Remove the phones, computer, television, radio for at least 30 minutes to 1 hour a day and sit quietly and look at the world around you. Look at God's creation. Feel His peace and serenity. Pull on His peace and serenity and the agitation and stress will diminish from you. You will be able to control your temper better.

Find more time to spend with your son, and let this time not always be in front of a television.

A doctor can only give you medication to suppress the problem. God can give you medication to heal the problem.

There was a time when I was going to "10" as you say on the scream scale and feeling like things were closing in- I talked to my doctor and he put me on zoloft- I am not a magic -pill kind of person, but it really helped me tremendously- I was on it for about 18 months or so then went off and I don't have the problem anymore. -I also have boys and one with ADHD - it can be tough. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

Let me say up front that I'm not a child psychologist or an expert at all. I'm speaking from experience with the multiple difficulties we face.

I am the stepmother of an 11-year-old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, and also has a psychological condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). In short, she has the very short attention span of any other ADHD child, but she has the added difficulty of not being able to connect emotionally to ANYONE, including her own family - she just doesn't care, as her counselors told us, so she doesn't learn from her mistakes and she will almost always do exactly what she wants, no matter if it's right or wrong, without thinking of the consequences or caring what they are.

All that said, we began seeing increasing difficulties about a year ago, in school and at home, including hygiene issues that seemed more like 4-year-old behavior than 10. She is taking Ritalin LA, which she only has to take in the morning, so the first thing the pediatrician did was increase the dosage by 5mg. This helped her with better concentration at school. It seems that if you have a child with ADHD that does not grow out of it, the dosage has to be increased as they grow - it's relative to body weight. When the Ritalin LA wears off, around 3:30pm for her, the pediatrician gave us Ritalin 5mg, the short-term version, in case she has some kind of homework or book report that takes her beyond the 3:30 transition to "critical mass" as we laughingly call it.

Our situation is different with the Attachment Disorder added to the list, but we have been learning a lot about discipline and consequences for a child that seems to start over every day and doesn't retain anything or learn from her mistakes - she constantly repeats the same behaviors, makes the same mistakes, receives the same consequences, but then it all starts over the very next day.

We were taught by her counselors and through a book they recommended especially for RAD that getting angry is normal, but it may be what they want to see. It's a reaction...it's attention...negative though it may be, it puts the focus on the child. They also told us that by age 3 or 4, a child is very aware of what they've done wrong, so long lectures (which we became pros at doing) are simply a waste of your time and energy. They recommend a "hit and run" method for punishment. For example, if your son leaves the shower curtain open, when you go into the bathroom and find it, call him in if he's not in there already and do something like give him 10 push-ups. Tell him he should know why he got in trouble and walk away. That's it...it's done, enough has been said, and it's over. Then, until he can prove that he will close the curtain, as you have repeatedly asked him to do, he can only take baths.

As for the wiping issue, maybe you can try something like making him wash out his own underwear in the sink when it's dirty. When he stops, they go into the laundry with the other things, as usual.

Essentially, we were taught that if the consequence is in direct relation to the "crime", it has a bigger impact.

Again, this is just my humble advice from a fellow frustrated Mom who hopes it will get better for you.

Sorry to be answering this so late. I just read your post and I thought I'd say something. I think you are reacting normally to a teen boy. Add on top of that, that you are working full-time + hours, buying a new home, etc you're just stressed out. I know preteen boys can make you feel homicidal on good days and some are harder than others. I would suggest that PART of your problem is you and that you need to help yourself by finding the best most constructive ways to handle stress and prioritize which ones to expend energy on. But another part is probably your son's normal 9-year-old behavior.

I know of a wonderful counselor. If you're in the Woodstock area, I have a great guy I could send tell you about -- just send me a personal email and I'll get it for you. (I just don't want to make a plug on a public forum.) You sound overwhelmed.

Another thing to consider is meds. I know it sounds like taking the easy way out and may not be for you but I want you to know that A LOT of people go on SSRIs for a short-term stressful time (divorces, death of family member, money troubles, etc) I think it might do you some good to set up an appt with your GP and just tell him/her all about your stress and the feeling that the world is closing in on you. It sounds to me like a perfect example of a time someone might go on something just for a year or so just to help him/her cope with all the stress.

Take care and good luck! You are a good mother to be so self-aware and so proactive in trying to improve the situation you're in. I admire you!

Y.,

I go through the same exact frustrations with my 9 year old girl. Yes, it is sad that I have to tell her to wipe the seat after she uses the restroom especially since she has no reason to mis aim. But I often feel frustrated as well b/c it seems that no matter how often I tell her to put her towel up after drying off, or close the curtain after a shower or bath, or put her plate up after she eats it never sinks in for her to just do it herself. I too get angry or frustrated and just have to breath. I try to take about 5 deep breaths and remind myself that how I treat her is how she will treat others. Sometimes that works and and sometimes I yell! So, all in all I wouldn't say your anger is out of line. Just keep doing what you are doing to calm yourself and one day I truly believe we will see their little lights come on!

You need to see a doctor for you, preferrably a Behavioral Health Specialist, Psychiatrist, etc. There are so many things that can be done to help us now-a-days. I used to struggle a lot with similar issues, and I thought I just needed more self control and to try harder. Finally, after years and years of going up and down and struggling and trying to do it all myself (even with God's help), I saw a Behavioral Health Specialist. I wish I would have done that years ago. My issues are caused by hormones interfering with the seratonin levels in my brain. I was put on Celexa (Citalopram), which is actually an anti-depressant. Although I am not depressed, it worked wonders. Besides a little upset stomach the first few weeks, I have had zero negative side effects. I feel more like myself than I ever did before. I feel free to be myself without constantly battling. I don't feel drugged; I haven't changed personalities, or any of the other things I was so worried might happen. The medicine just makes the cells in my brain lose less seratonin as it is passed through my neural network. Seratonin is what helps us feel happy, relaxed, and in control. Please get help for you. Life doesn't have to be (and actually isn't) as hard as your brain is making you believe. Right now it's like you are seeing through rose colored glasses, except instead of them being rose colored, they are dark and negative. Please get help ASAP. You and the people around you will notice and thank you. Good luck.

Yvonn, I understand where your coming from. Alot of us can relate,heck we've all went past crazy a few dozen times in our life.Granted Jennifer was correct in saying to let the little things go.But I felt like she went a little postal on you.Your not a horrible person for losing your cool, your just someone who like alot of people haven't mastered patience yet.And the fact that your concerned and seeking better ways says your a sane mother who's burnt out.I think it's best to seek perfessional help in unmderstanding ADHD. His behavior could just be a way of him expressing himself. You should also look into some alone time. Find something you like and do something once a week.I find sometimes just a few hours os doing something without my 2 kids,it can even be errands sometimes. And I miss them by the time I'm back and it takes a little more to blow my cool.If that isn't enough for you then seek some parenting classes.They will remember their relationship with you forever.

Y.,
You are not alone! I have a 9 yr old daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), and she is on meds at home and school as well. I am constantly telling her things over and over again and she pretends like she does not get it. I know that sometimes I get real upset too quickly when she pushes my button, and sometimes she does it on purpose, just to see me get all upset. One of the problems she has with the ODD is that she defies adults, even me and that is really upsetting. The thing that I do is just sit still and count until I am not fuming, then I deal with her. I sit her down away from her other siblings and just talk to her. I find that it really helps, because sometimes I forget she is 9 (almost 10), and I can easily slip into treating her like a 3 yr old. I finally started leaving things up to her, such as brushing her teeth, her hair and washing her face every morning. SHe then looks at me like, "I can do this on my own, if I want to or not?"; because I know that if she forgets, her friends will let her know very quickly. The only thing I hate is when she comes home and says that the kids at school were making fun of her breath or something. I can't stand to see her hurting. So I just tell her this is the reason why we must keep up good hygiene. And I let her know that I am not trying to be mean to her, I just don't want anyone making fun of her, but it is something she can control. I know I have a temper and if one thing is out of place, I find myself literally fuming. I am learning to just calm down and don't get all stressed out over small things. Trust me talking does work, and try leaving it up to him. He probably is relying on you to constantly remind him to do things that he is old enough to know to do for himself. My daughter was the same way.

Hello Y., You have a pretty name. Your situation sounds like you need to make the time for yourself to allow for the focus necessary to deal with relationship, finances, parenting and just life in general. If possible, maybe a few hours just relaxing at a local coffee/tea shop with the cell phone turned off might help. Arrange for a family member or child care sitter to look after your son and take the time for you. Even if it is just one hour a day... do it for your own peace of mind and your focus, this should assist you with you temper. Women usually hold a great deal of stress and from the sound of it you have reached your limit. My doctor recently advised on the benefits of Yoga. I hope that this helps.

Hi Y.
Youu said that you have a chilid in collage and a 9 yrear old with adah, plus you are trying to work from home and work full time.
You said you ar in your fortys do you think you could be going in to menapause? as that will have an adverse change on your body. and In my case i had a temper.
What you need to do is get out of the house at least once a week, go for a walk go out with friends and have dinner, or you can justgo to your bedroom and close the door and let your boy friend take care of the child and make dinner .
BUT MOST OF ALL DO NOT LET YOUR CHILD PUSH YOUR BUTTONS AS HE NOWS IT WILL MAKE YOU MAD, AND HE IS TESTING YOU.
And you do not have to hold the family toghter as they are just fine.
As for the rest it will work it self out
your friend M.

Hi Yvonne,

Before I go any further, stay away from antidepressants. ALL of those types of medicines cause terrible, terrible issues that can not be reversed. They also can't be discontinued without lots and lots of issues. The best thing is NEVER start them....even if you see results at first there is damage being done to your system.

Have you thought, maybe, you might be starting into menopause? Anger is a TRUE side effect with that (I know! lol)...and your anger seems to be over fairly minor issues. I realize you are only 40 but it is happening earlier and earlier these days because of the chemicals in our foods (pesticides and preservatives) building up in our systems. If not that, you mentioned that your son has ADHD? That is also related to toxins in the home, school and workplace that end up in the bloodstream. If they are affecting your son, they could very well be affecting you also.

I speak to groups on environmental toxins and their impact on health, behavioral issues and even weight problems. Please email me privately and let me get some more specifics from you. It's not the end of the world and it can be remedied fairly easily...

If you would like to call, my Verizon cell is ###-###-####. I'd love to help!

Regards,

M.

First off, it is not your son with the problem. Those things that you've explained that he does that makes you got to 10 are SMALL THINGS!!! I learned a long time ago to let the SMALL things GO and I've become a lot less stressed person. My six year old leaves the shower certain back all the time! Is that really something to lose your cool about?? Think about that one, that is almost silly to get mad over. Who cares about the shower certain, do you have people over everynight that would care about that?? I even get water on the floor sometimes while shower, some shower certains suck and let water out, BIG DEAL. Honey, you need to chill out and stop letting little things bother you, you will enjoy your child much more. And I would let GOD take away your child's ADHD not the medication. Really let God have control of your life.
Good Luck to you and God Bless.

Have you been tested yourself for ADD or ADHD? I know it sounds absurd, but I had a friend where the Dad discovered he was ADD, probably ADHD but he was too old for that one! Anyways, they didn't have testing back then as they do now and it was rare to hear of an adult being diagnosed with it.

Anyways, that was just a suggestion, good luck with it, I have a young son whose father is ADD and he never got help. Keep us updated!

Hi Y.:
First thing is all children are different. Children cannot be controlled but should be taught. It sounds like your son is not responding to the negative approach so why don't you try the positive approach. Give him chores that are clearly stated. Don't go overboard because a 9 year old can handle a certain amount but too much will defeat the purpose. Have him complete your expectations on a daily basis and give him a dollar a day for the first couple of weeks and then switch to completing the week and give him the $5 at the end of the week. If he doesn't do what you want don't make a big deal just don't give him the dollar. This will teach him to make his choices. If he wants the reward he will do the chore. If you switch to positive reinforcement you will see a change. You are changing his habits and behavior but doing it positively. If you decide to do this don't change the rules after you start. You have to be consistent or the child will not trust what you say. P.S. You have to stop losing your temper because the child knows he can push your buttons and you are letting him. Lead by example.

I have a horrid temper to. My son is about to turn 7 in May and he knows how to push me to the limit. He is a really good kid and several things were causing our situation. He does have ADHD as well and I was doing the "Oh I will only give it to him when he goes to school and when we go out" thing. Then I started to notice that he was having excessive problems on Monday and all though the medicine was working it did not seem to be doing as well as when he first started taking it. His pediatrician told me that taking them off of it like that can actually make his mood swings and attitude worse. My son would have such a temper on Mondays after he had been off for the weekend. He was excessively whiny and it seemed (to me at least) that he was just trying to bait me, like he was trying to make me angry. Even his teacher sent a note home after the fist couple of weeks. I will say that before he was on the medication he was the same way as your son. He would no do the simplest of things, everything was an argument, you had to stand over him for him to get anything done. I was pulling my hair out. On more than one occasion I had to walk out crying because I was so mad and I was scared of how mad I actually was and what I might do. I would have to get his dad to deal with him then calm me down. Ethan (my son) was grounded, put in the corner, and ,literally, his whole room packed up. Everyday the poor thing was being punished for some reason or another. We tried the reward method but, being the clever thing he is, eventually got to the point that it was "well what do I get mommy if I do that". Need less to say it did not work well with us. I decided that I wanted my son to do things because he needed to not just because he was getting something out of it. To clean his room because he mad the mess, actions and consequence lesson. By no means was he a maliciously mean child but he just seemed to be uncontrollable and the medicine helped tremendously. I am by no means a doctor, but maybe you should try giving him his medicine everyday, and if that does not help talk to his pediatrician about the medicine. It maybe that he is not on the right one for him or maybe the right dose. And all thought you may not think he displays his symptoms at home does not mean that he doesn't. I did not think that there was a problem at home either. Truthfully I was one of those that was really really really against putting him on anything at all. When I started giving my son his medicine everyday I was amazed at how quickly I got use to him being on it. I can definitely tell when it wears off now ; ).

The other situation can have some affect to. The stress on you rolls over to him. I have learned this the hard way. Me and his dad were going through some stuff, along with about a hundred different other things last year. My son seemed to act worse during these time as well. I would pull out even more of my hair wondering why he was being the way he was, witch didn't help. I finally had to start letting things go. Prioritizing. "Really in the grand scheme of things, does this really matter" kinda thing. I also had to let my son's father take some of the responsibilities off me. I realized I can't do everything. Even if I want to! I had to start relying on him, witch by no means was I use to. I am the sort of person that I would just rather do it myself because then I know it will be done right. It is still an adjustment for me big time. I have to fight back the urge to check up on if this got done or that got done. I have also learned that some things can actually wait till tomorrow. A big adjustment for me was learning that "hey its just water" or "accidents happen" or "okay that can just be redone". Holding my temper over the small stuff. Yes it seems to be a big deal at the time but honestly half the stuff, even I was getting mad at my child about, it really not that detrimental. Now I am not saying let everything go but I know how you feel and I know that it just keeps piling up and that is not good for you or your family. I still get (what my son and his dad would call) neurotic every now and then, but it is a work in progress. I think honestly when my dad died last year it just kinda hit that it really doesn't matter and if we spend to much time concentrating on the little things instead of the big, like family, friends, and the rest, you are going to blink and it is going to be gone. I have had just about everyone I have know tell me that I am so manic. I can go from happy happy to crying to loosing my head in a matter of minutes. My brain runs 90 miles and hour. I am easily distracted and it makes it hard sometimes to get things done. I am extremely excitable as well. And once again I am no doctor by any means but you may have some issue with you(I do not mean that in a bad way by any means). ADHD can be hereditary. I had it when I was younger but growing up in a poor family I did not get to treat mine nor could my parents afford to take me to the doc to diagnosed. I was raised to "learn to deal with it". I have thought about getting checked as an adult but I guess I am kinda scared now after never having taken anything before. My most favorite thing to tell myself "stop, breath, regroup". Sorry for rambeling on!! And let me just say AMEN to Melissa H.!!!!!!!

Wow, sounds like you are definatly having a hard time. My son is 10 yrs old. I find him to be more a challenging now than when he was younger and throwing tantrums! I have three children the oldest is 15,the middle is 11. I work full time with my own REMAX business as a REALTOR. We also own our own small business on the side. So I do undertand the stress you are under. I find myself constantly having to be creative when it comes to my 10 year old son. Who ever said boys are easier ............did'nt have a strong willed son!!!! What I have found out is that with each child they all respond differently to different types of disapline. Have you tried a reward program? Like for example a chart that stays up on the fridge or wall..list out the behaviors/tasks you expect everyday. When he does a good job with each task he gets a star or sticker...every Friday go over the chart together and reward based on how many task he did a good job with. Remember the reward must be something to drive him. Something he really wants or likes. It can be the same treat every week or change every week. Don't take to long to reward...they have short attention spans and will not continue to work towards the treat if it takes too long to receive it. Perhaps you have already tried this.... Just some food for thought. Keep us posted, feel free to email me back. Wishing you luck! Stay positive and pray for patience. You can do it.
Another challenged mom,
C.