RE: What to Do

i would DEFINATELY want to know if my kids were doing that! you've got to be a parent before a friend... i learned that about my mom and we get along fine now! haha you're daughter can't take blame for the others decisions... they are in charge of their actions just like she is.

Tell the parents. Can you imagine what it would be like if they found out and you didn't tell them.

Yes! Tell the other parents, I would definitely want to know if my daughter was caught drinking at someone elses house....this is a big deal especially since they're only 15!

Yes, definately tell! I would want to know, and on top of that, if i were to find out from an outside source instead of fromt he parents house it happened at, i would prohibit my kiddos from being allowed to go places with that kid permanently because i would not trust the parent. If i were in the other parents position and you told me i would see that i could trust you when situations arose. I hate to say this as i know it will make some people mad, but there are NOT going to be boys coming over to my house to visit my 15 year old daughter and definately not without me sitting in the same room as them- the living room.
But yes, do tell.

Communication is the best policy. Your daughter needs to know that you will not tolerate this and part of the consequences is to tell. Her girlfriends being mad is also a consequience. They are not real friends if they let her take all the blame. Step up and be brave. I have dealt with parents in the past with my older children and it is hard some are enablers and let the children drink because they feel that they would rather have them do it in their home then some place else. But they are underage and I stand by the rules that they are for a reason and their brains are not developed year to adult reasoning. They need help with how to handle sticky situations. So in the next time she is confronted she can tell and have the verbage to deal with the boys next time. It is my home and I do not drink as we are underage and they will respect her. You also need her to respect you as an adult. Do not let this pass and let her get away with it. I have a son who is now on the streets because he sneaked around as a child. Drugs and alchol is his life. Stop this now. Communicate to the parents and let them know you are a good parent. They will be more willing to trust you. I had so many parents in denial that mad me sick. I see them now as weak people who shoved the problems of their childre under that mat. Had we all stuck together maybe my son would have turned out as a honorable citizen. G. W

M., sorry you are in this position...we are all going to be in it at some point!

OK, think about this...what if these girls spend the night again and they do it again or something even worse and something terrible happens (at your house or one of the other girls houses). You will be thinking, "man, I should have nipped it in the bud (or butt...never really knew which one it is supposed to be) when it happened the first time.

I would make all three girls get together and inform each family of what they did. You didn't do anything wrong so make all three of them tell the parents...teenagers are so sneaky! I was a "good girl" but I did some STUPID things. Also, every teenage girl is bound to go through the "I HAVE THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD" phase so just be prepared for that...this may just be the beginning.

You know what to do...you know the best decision in this case...I'm sure you just want some reassurance. You need to tell the other parents.

Tell the parents, and explain to your daughter that her friends will get over it. You might give her 24 hour lead time to give her friends a chance to break it to their parents first. Say, "Hey, I will call their parent Sunday at 6PM, let them know." That way the kids have the chance to behave maturely about it.

Tell their parents. It's the only choice you have. It's hard, but it is what needs to be done. Good luck. Just because it happened at your house does not mean you are at fault. However, if you don't inform the other parents of their children's poor choices and they find out from some other source it could reflect badly on you.

I would want to know from you and not find out from someone else. Make it a part of your daughter's consequences.

I know kids will be kids and will test and push. As a parent, I would be disappointed in my daughter and her poor choice. I would be upset with you if I found out from someone else and if you supplied the alcohol. In this case, you did not do that and I would appreciate your honesty. We parents have to stick together!!

Susan
mom of soon to be 13 yr old girl

I think it is absolutely your duty to tell the other parents. If they dont know how hard their children are rebelling they cant resolve the underlying issues or come up with solutions for the problem. Your daughter shouldn't be the only one paying the price for making a dangerous and irresponsible decision. It will be hard but im sure the other parents will thank you. There will always be people thinking you dont have proper parenting skills! Thats just one of the ways society expects us to be perfect when none of us are. Most people that are quick to judge other people's parenting avoid mirrors to look at their own. I'm sure you probably have, but just incase, you should stress to the best of your ability how dangerous it is for them to not only drink but to drink with boys. NO matter how close they are or how long they have known these boys. A close friend of my family who i had known since the age of four who me and my whole family trusted drugged me at a small get together one time. If you read up on the type of drugs used for date raping you and she will see that the victim is left completely helpless. Even If you get a small enough dose to stay concious (which is rare) it is impossible to move your limbs. You are left completely at the will of the sicko who drugged ya. I hope she listens to ya mom. I know i should've listened to mine.

I agree with Ornella. Should the parents find out (not from you), they could take it further and you become legally responsible - though you did not serve to minors.

I did the same thing when I was a teen. Some friends spent the night and we got into the liquor cabinet. Fortunately we did not get caught, no one had a drinking problem and it never happened again. Kids get together and sometimes things happen. It may have been your daughter's idea but she did not make the others drink, so they too are responsible.

Should you tell the parents, I hope they realize that your daughter is not responsible for their daughters' actions.

Good luck.

T.

I would tell the other parents. Wouldn't you want to know if your DD did this at someone elses house. It was a choice the other girls made to drink the alcohol they could have said no. You should also tell the boys parents. I know it's going to be hard but life is not easy. There will be tension in your home for a while but your daughter must Realize that this is not going to happen again and she must own up to her choices.
Good Luck

Absolutely. I'd want to know. And be clear to your daughter that she is the child and you are the adult and need to make this your decision and not hers. If the other girls had a mind of their own they would not have been drinking but since they were their moms need to know.

I think you should tell the other parents. It is your job as a parent to take hold of the situation. I would be upset if i found out my children were drinking at your house and you didn't tell me.#1 this could lead to alcoholism at this age and if the parents know they could get a hold on this situation.#2 Minors drinking at your house is a NO!NO!#3 They are not going to like it, but it's the right thing to do. Also, your daughter might not need to hang out with a crowd like that. I dont believe it was all of her doings. I have two daughters that are 21 and 19. When i saw the crowd they were hanging out with was a bad influence. I told them they need to find a better crowd. I hear about, and see some of the girls i stopped them from hanging out with, and they have drinking problems and have had babies already and have runaway from home. My daughters both are highly successful in their jobs and are both putting their way through college. So you see why it is very important for you to tell their parents, because you might just stop them from ruining their lives. Do the right thing and tell, you will feel a whole lot better. I know it's not easy being a parent, but sometimes we cant be their friends we have to be their parent. I know she will be very upset at you, But she will understand someday when she is happily married with her own children. Plus, you want to set a good example for your other child. I hope i have been some help to you!! Sincerely, P. Dodd

Any reasonable parent knows that good kids do stupid things sometimes. Good parents have kids that do stupid things sometimes. If I were the parent of one of these girls, I would want to know. Then I would probably not allow her to visit with that friend at her house for quite a while. Not to say that the parents are bad parents, but to say that some kids get into trouble when they are with certain people. I had a friend in high school that I liked very much, but she would do some things that she knew would get her and anyone with her in a lot of trouble. I had to learn that when she wanted to do those things, I had to stay away from her. I know that you don't want your daughter to suffer any more consequences of what has happened, but she has lost any trust her parents should have in her. This is one of the most serious issues facing our children. I wouldn't back down now. I'm a parent of a teenager, pre-teen and toddler. We parents should all say a prayer for each other every day.

M. - You are obligated to tell them without question. Why would you think that you should not tell their parents? So you don't look bad? I must say that I am surprised that this is even a question. We ALL must stand up and be accountable for what happens, no matter the consequences.

If it were my children at your home and you did not tell me, I would be extremely upset and would never allow my children to be in your home again. But if you did tell me and show that you care about this situation - I would certainly be understanding that these things could happen.

Sorry to be so rough on you but the parents are 100% responsible for their children until the age of 18. They have every right to know.

I can see where you are coming from, but I can see where your daughter is coming from. I will tell you what my parents and my friends parents did with us when I was in highschool.

I lived in South Texas about 7 miles from the border of Reynosa Mexico. We were gonna drink no matter what or where, and I see that kids are the same now 13 years later. So, my parents and my close friends parents all got together with first and then again with the kids. They agreed that we were gonna drink and they would rather keep us safe and know where we were than not have a clue and find out the hard way. So, we were allowed to drink at someones house on either Friday or Saturday night. The parents of the house were there and the other parents knew where we were. The stipulation was that the parents supervised and monitored what we drank. At the beginning of the night, if we drove ourselves, we turned over our keys to the hosting parents and we spent the night, supervised because sometimes we were at the oppostie sex house. If we did not drive and we were not spending the night, one of our parents had to pick us up by midnight making sure the hosting parents saw our parent and they knew we were leaving. This went on until we graduated. We had a group of 10, 3 girls and 7 guys. Seven of us all went to church together and our stipulation was we went to Saturday Mass before going out or we got up Sunday for Church. So most of the time we would all go to Church together on Saturday. Most parents now may find this out of the norm, but when I look back at those years, I know my friends and I were gonna drink anyway and I am thankful that our parents stepped in and allowed it to an extent that kept us safe. None of us ever got sick drunk never had hangovers and were never involved in accidents like others in our class were and some we lost.

I hope this helps you. I will say that my hubby's parents happened to do what my parents did and we did not meet until college. If in 13 years our kids are adament about drinking, we will most likely handle it the way our parents did with us.

Yes, you should inform the other parents. Believe me, if you don't the story will eventually come out and YOU will be blamed for not letting them know. I am speaking from experience.........all I got was a bunch of parents yelling at me and who are still giving me the cold shoulder. That is just my experience. It is so tough to be a parent these days but sometimes you have to do things that continue to confirm your teachings, right and wrong. Good luck.

I am a mother of 5. With 2 of my children, we have been through the teenage years. You cannot feel that it is your parenting. First of all, God gave our children free will and as much good morals, parenting, and supervision that we give them, they will make mistakes. It sounds like you have a great daughter. She took responsibility for her mistake. I am a parent and would want to know if my child had done the same thing. Just tell the parents that you are very sorry and that your child has been punished. If they find out later and you did not tell them, they will feel like they can't let their children go to your house. Address it now and work on the problem with them. Hope this helps and good luck! L.

The best thing right now is to show your daughter what "owning up" looks like, so you have to be an example. Will she be royally pissed? Oh, you can bet on it. Will there be drama? Get ready for her Oscar-nominated performance. You have to tell the girl's parents because it did happen on your watch and you'd expect nothing less from another parent with your child. I'd take it a step further and get your daughter involved in the process, since she quickly volunteered that it was all "her idea." Make her go with you to tell the parents about the situation so she can explain how it will NEVER happen again. It will make much more of an impression on her young mind if she has to clean up some of the mess, too.

I really think that you should tell the other kid's parents. I would want someone to tell me if my daughter was doing something like that.

Your daughter wasn't the only one drinking, and she shouldn't have to take all of the blame for it. I understand that she's scared of losing her friends, but if they're true friends, she won't.

just the opposite...i believe letting the other parents know the situation will show that you are an attentive parent, and do not allow that type of behavior. what if these other parents find out later? they may think you condone drinking in your home and you were trying to be the "cool" parent by not saying anything. Like you said, you would want to know, as would I so I could keep a closer eye on my child, and perhaps one day save my younger daughter, who is only 4, from making a horrible mistake as my oldest daughter did. She got drunk at a party when she was 17 and was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend. It was traumatic for her, and she required counseling.
As for your daughter's friends, i think they probably know their parents will be told.

Welcome to the teenage social life! We've been there and, ALL PARENTS, it is a common occurence among our teens to find a home that will allow alcohol to be brought in, or with a wet bar. It happened to us when we came home one night to find about 100 classmates/friends having a party (which we had approved....house was being remodeled so we didn't care if the carpet got dirty) but found a keg of beer floating in the hottub with ice. We told our children that the friends either had to spend the night if they were drinking or we would call their parents for pickup. Friends left shortly thereafter, and we had no future problems. We did mention to some of the parents who were happy to hear about this so when they left for an evening, rules were set down for their home as well as the wet bars were locked. Do diplomatically tell the parents. Can't stop the "sneaking alcohol parties", but we can stop the locations of the parties, and hopefully stop the alcohol suppliers from associating with your teens. Parents are legally responsible if something goes wrong at the home or if one of the drinkers causes an accident on their way home. We did tell our kids that if they were drinking, to always call us and that we'd come after them, no questions asked. Worked for us, even to the point that our kids would assign themselves as "designated driver" so they wouldn't drink. Teens are children with adult bodies who think they are adults and want to act like they are adults, so we do have to work with them, not against them.

Hi M.,

I would absolutely want to know if my child was caught drinking at someone else's house. And, regarding it's impact on your daughter, it's just another part of the consequence of what they did.

Good luck. Sounds like a tough situation.
C.

I would appreciate knowing if my child has been caught drinking at someone else's house, so that I can handle discipline. It's better to tell the other parents of ALL of the children now instead of them finding out later by some other way...

It's not that you are a bad parent... kids are sneaky... you can't be looking over their shoulders constantly but, they also can't think they can get away with it at your house.

Good Luck!

J.

I think you should call the parents and tell them. While I understand your concern for your daughter's feelings, if these friends are truly friends, they will still be there after their parents find out. Also, there is a huge problem in our community with parents serving alcohol to minors. By calling the parents, both the parents and the kids know you are not going to be a part of it. This will be added protection for your daughter in the future - either she won't be invited to the beer bash or it won't occur because she's there and her mom tells.

Secondly, be prepared for the possibility of crazy responses from the parents you call. Even if you think you know them. They will most likely deny their child was there. Certainly by now, the children have given them alibis. Just remember, you do not have to take personally or take ownership of their response. Your only duty is to state factually what occurred. I am speaking from experience here.

God Bless!

I would tell the parents. Your embarrassment of the situation is nothing compared to how you will feel if something awful happens to these kids as a result of alcohol or drugs and you know that you could have told their parents and chose not to.

You said you'd want them to tell you. Well that's usually a good way to know what should be done, as "the golden rule" of doing to others as you would have them do to you tends to be pretty accurate.

It is your responsibility as a parent to tell the other parents. You know this, or you would not even be asking for our opinions. Your inner voice (conscience, angels,God) whatever you want to call it, is telling you the right thing to do and you are ignoring it. Do not be afraid and do not let your daughter's feelings influence you. You are the parent. In the long run, she will be fine. And don't think that your ten yr. old doesn't know what is going on. She will learn from this situation too. What do you want her to learn? The other adults will resent you and probably not allow their daughters to see your girl anymore if you don't tell them before they find out on their own. And they will find out, they always do!!! It is best if the truth comes from you. You are already risking losing their respect and friendship by waiting so long to tell them. Sit your daughter down and lovingly let her know what you are going to do. Do not ask her permission or forgiveness.
She and her friends made a bad choice and now have to face the consequences. When you let things like this go, it always turns into something worse. Your daughter will probably be angry but she will live and eventually she will respect you and love you for your strictness and caring. It may take time but, it will come.
I hope that you will do the right thing. It won't be easy but, nothing worthwhile ever is.
I will be praying for your strength.
L.

Little about me: SAHM of three toddlers with over 20 nieces and nephews, several grand-nieces and nephews and several years experience working with at-risk youth who were abandoned, abused, neglected or poorly parented.

i think ya'll did a great job in handling this situation.

Here's a new one!

Have the kids take responsibility, and have them tell their own parents.

P.

Hi
I think telling the parents is the best way you have to show them that you are a very good parent. things like that happen with teenager and I'm sure their parents know better that it can not be your fault. You should probably convince your daughter to come with you or be part of the conversation while telling the other parents so that your daughter will learn that there are consequences (I hope I spell it right!) and the parents will be impressed by the way that you handle the situation and how you are trying to raise your kid to be responsble.....
by not telling, you will be part of their mistake and if the parents find out in other ways.....they will be questioning your ability of parenting.

I hope you will find the best way to get the good out of a bad experience!

good luck

Hi M.,
First off, I have to say just because they were drinking at your house, is NOT a reflection of poor parenting. I think most kids experiment with drinking at some point. I don't know what advice to give, because I was brought up totally differently. I grew up near the Mexican border, where it is easy to go drinking when you are underage. Now, I never was much of a drinker, but when I was a teenager my parents were terrified of me crossing the border(it's very dangerous). They opted to supervise me and friends at my house and allowed me to drink from the time I was about 15 or 16. Now, as shocking as this may sound to you, it accomplished a couple of different things. My friends and I were always safe and no one drove or did anything dangerous. I wasn't forced to lie or be sneaky. It took the mystery out of it and I didn't want to drink. It is no coincidence that to this day I am a very light drinker, and have NEVER, EVER driven drunk. Why tell you all this? Because perhaps you should tell your daughter that friends that would let her take the fall are crappy friends, who forced her into a position of being dishonest with you. Perhaps you could talk with her about why she wanted to drink as opposed to just punishing her. Tell the parents of the other kids, as each kid is old enough to be responsible for his actions, regardless of circumstances. Your daughter didn't force anyone to drink, and nor did they her. Although it took place at your house, it still doesn't reflect poorly on you or your parenting because it was just an opportunity, it could have taken place at any of the other kids' houses.

Why would you not tell the other parents? Are you really more conserned about your daughter keeping friends who apparently also make bad choices than setting limits and keeping the kids safe? It is likely the parents will not be happy with you since when children are at your home you are saying you are responsible for their well being. Consider the legal ordeal you could face if the parents find out on their own. I say take a hard stand and make an impression. It is likley not the first time these kids have had a drink and may not be the last unless you make an impression now. Don't parent with guilt. Do not blow this off. Stand up and do the right thing. Imagine if something bad happens later on and you have to live with the fact that you did nothing.

Good Luck!!

I would go ahead and tell the other parents. You can talk to them about how you talked to your daughter and that it was her idea and that the boys brought it over without you knowing. I would really appreciate a parent letting me know something like this. I think we should all keep the lines of communication open! I am the mother of an 11 year old boy and know my days are coming! Good luck!

I had the same thing happen at my house only it was all boys as I have three son's. I told the other parents the whole story, including the fact I was not aware of the alcohol until I found them drinking. Drinking was not allowed in my home.

If she loses her "friends" then they weren't very good friends anyway. A good friend would have refused to drink and left if there were no other recourse.

So have a meeting with the parents of all concerned and clear the air. I would want to be told if the case was reversed.

May Gods Blessings be on you and your family. Seek Him and follow His advice and you can't go wrong.

momcorliss
3 sons, 2 daughters, and 9 grandchildren

Yes, you need to tell the parents of the other children. 15 or not, they are still children. You said it yourself, were it your child, you would want them to tell you. I think you are not only morally obligated to do so, but legally as well. An incident with alcohol and minors occurred under your roof - what if something more serious (like drunken driving etc) had occurred? Those other children need to know that you won't tolerate that behaviour in your daughter, or in them when they are at your home. Take a stand now, with this first incident, or there will be more.

M.,
It sounds like to me, you already know what you need to do.
Here is a suggestion, however. I would ask the others over and let them know, in front of your daughter what your plan is. This plan my include giving them the opportunity to tell their parents themselves and then you can ALL meet and decide on some type of discipline(but really just to make sure they did tell their parents). I would let the girls know that this is all your idea and inform them of your daughter's concern of losing their friendship. Seriously, are you more concerned about what happened at your house and any possible ramifications that could have arisen or about some short-lived gloom and temper-tantrum your teenager could endure. Which, in my opinion, is a small price to pay for drinking under age. I am however, truly sorry you have to go through this at all. What a nightmare!!! I pray everything turns out in good favor for you, your daughter and the entire situation.
M.

If you don't tell the other parents and they find from other sources later, you will look worse than if you make the call and explain events as they happened. If the information gets back to the parents of the kids involved "through the grapevine", the facts will not be correct and speculation will hurt the girls' relationship worse than the facts. Of course, the ideal solution would be for the kids involved to fess up on their own.

It seems that everyone is in agreement here about telling the other parents. I agree. I also agree that a consequence of your daughters actions need to be owning up to her responsiblity to the other parents as well. If the other kids have no consequences what is the lesson they have learned from all of this?
I would support my child and stand by her when we go togther to the other kids homes. But this is her job. It will go a long way in teaching honesty. I also would really emphasize to my child that if she loses her friends over this, perhaps they werent the kind of friends that either you or she would want.
Honesty is always best for everyone. Even when it is hard.
K. @ The Nestingplace