Drinking ~1St Time Caught ... He Is 15 - Scotch Plains,NJ

I think they way you responded was perfect! Let him know that once he's 16, it will mean the END of driving privileges...no matter what!! Also, wake him up EARLY and take him for a run for heavy or strenuous manual labor. Sweating out a hangover is not fun would be quite a good reminder.

I'm not even going to read the other answers because they usually piss me off...whether you drinnk or not does not matter..YOU ARE THE ADULT..HE IS NOT! IT'S DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO.

Listen, everyone is entitled to a second chance....so try it out...laughing is a cop out ...he wanted to try it..even good kids do..don't crucify him for that. There's nothing wrong in saying I don't want too...I had friends and myself that said NO all the time, and no one laughed or teased us. I was a good kid too and once in a while took a sip....see how it goes...no one knows him better than you!

I like the way you handled it, good for you. Thats a hard age because we as parents want our kids to walk away and always do the right thing but kids want to fit in, at the age its extremely important. I have toddlers now but what I intend to do is make a deal with them. If they are EVER in a bad situation to call me and I will go get them and promise not to get mad or even talk about it till the next day. I would hate for them to be stuck in a bad situation or accept 'help' from a person that maybe does not have the best intentions because the fear of getting caught or in trouble is higher. I also don't believe in telling kids no sex and no drinking and leaving it at that and actually expecting them to never try anything. I am in my early twenties and remember in high school some of the best kids (good grades) were often the ones partying the hardest. Of course I would never encourage my kids or turn a blind eye but I believe in educating them about the effects of alcohol, what it can do to your body, what to do in an emergency, the importance of drinking water, etc. Some people might feel as though that is like teaching them how to drink but I don't believe so I just want to give my kids knowledge so they realize what they are getting themselves into if they're not careful and how to take care of themselves when I am not around. I am hoping they always make the right choice but that peer pressure... I am glad I still have a few years and good for him for being so open and honest with you.

You could insist he get new friend new school, but what will it teach him? That he is too weak to walk away?

He needs to learn to stand up for what he believes is the right thing to do. He will be very surprised that some of his friends will actually be impressed.They may even join him in not drinking smoking ect..

On his own, your son will learn that some of these yahoos, are not actually as cool as he thought.. Have his back, but let him know you have high expectations for him.. He can live up to them.

Begin conversations about how to respond in these situations. Practice how it can go down. Also have a code, so that when he calls and needs you to pick him up or get him out of a situation you will be able to help.

I think you handled it beautifully. You let him know you are disappointed in his choice, but you know he is better than that.

Kids get into new situations they have never encountered before and we expect them to have our answers. He may need to practice with you (or with friends that are truly good friends and respect his choices) about what to say. Perhaps he can us a line like: "my parents let me drink at home and I just don't like the taste of it". Perhaps actually have a tasting session at home so he can say it with confidence. One tiny taste of straight vodka or scotch and he can probably confidently say the stuff tasted horrible (at least I think it tastes like nailpolish remover or gasoline or what I think those taste like!). I am from the Netherlands and I was allowed to drink and I can truly say that I think it is because of that allowance that I never had any real desire to drink.
I find that my teen takes my input much more readily if I leave a note, or text her on her phone. Or if there is someone he really looks up to, ask if he talk with that person about how he would handle the 'walking away" situation. He may also want to do some soul searching about whether these are really his friends or not......

Sounds like you handled it really well. The most important thing is that he feel loved and supported by you. His close relationship with you will make him want to avoid disappointing you. Based on your description it sounds like you have laid a strong foundation in his younger years, so now you just need to stay on top of the issue. Research has shown a strong link between regular drinking at this young age and later drug and alcohol problems. I am not saying that's where you are at but just to stay alert and on top of it. Keep up the great work!

I wouldn't let him off so easy, if it were my son. The next time??? You should make it clear that there shouldn't be a next time - underage drinking is illegal, period. When he tells you he won't do it all the time, it implies that he will do it at least SOME of the time, which would not be ok with me! If he is being subjected to that much peer pressure and ridicule, it's time for him to make some new friends. Not all teens drink or experiment with drugs, and they shouldn't feel obligated to just because their friends are doing it. It IS possible for them to navigate their teen years without caving in to doing things they don't really want to do. I have a 19 year old and a 15 year old - I always told them if they found themselves in an uncomfortable situation, they were to text me and I would come get them, no questions asked. They need to know that there is always a safety net if things get out of hand. Your son was clearly uncomfortable, yet still made a bad choice. I don't think letting him off the hook is sending the right message. Sorry.

Hi A.,

I checked in on your question earlier but didn't have a chance to respond until now and I was happy to see you got somre more positive responses. I think you did a great job too! My kids are still little but I have a 15 year old niece who's a bit like a daughter to me as well and this is a hard situation. She tells me way more than she tells her dad and I can tell you there is so much of that going on at such a young age. I think the key is try and give him one-liners and ways to cope with the peer pressue. Making him get new friends or pulling him out school are not going to help I'm afraid. Maybe you guys could brainstorm ways to say no or ways to walk away. As others said, it sounds like you have a great relationship with him and he feels comfortable talking to you, so capitalize on that! He will be offered not only alcohol but drugs and probably sex all in the near future and he has to have some "weapons", which include knowledge, with which to fight back. Being a teenager is such a scary time so kudos to you for trying to be a proactive parent...keep those conversations going!

Sounds like its time for him to find some new friends. He sounds like a good kid but needs to learn how to handle his friends better or find some new ones.
When I was in HS I made the choice not to do what everyone else was doing but they kept trying to get me to do it. Once they figured out I really was all set they backed off.
He also needs to understand that if he is with friends that are doing something they're not suppose to be doing and get caught he can also get in trouble.

Hi A., good job! I would also tell him that being walked over by his "friends" and having no back-bone whatsoever are NOT traits he would want to attribute to himself. That he does not want to share his time with losers and that he is very lucky to have a family behind him, a family that gave him a gift his friends were not so lucky to have:guidance.
At 15, he's perfectly able to discern good from bad, he just needs a boost for that self-confidence and that long-term planning of his life that are, understandably, lacking for now. Show him the big picture, give him a little taste of future, he'll understand.

I absolutely applaud the way ....both of you....handled this situation. You clearly addressed it....& he responded as honestly as a 15yo can. I also agree that if you were "seeing" it in him....then it was more than one glass!

You've readdressed the ground rules, & he honestly said that he won't do it "all the time". AND that would be where my concern is.....that "all the time" phrase!

I have just one idea on how to address this: create a contract & ask him to sign it. Clearly outline what will happen if he drinks underage again. Do the research, find out how much a MIP will legally cost him & attach the paperwork to the contract. Be sure to go thru it with him....don't assume he is reading it. By doing all of this, he will know fully the extent of his choice & will take responsibility for his actions. .....& honestly, most kids don't know about the MIP charge & the fees that can go with it!

We didn't learn about it until our niece (Honor student, no less) was 18 & on spring break....& got caught HOLDING a drink - tested alcohol free & was still charged with the MIP because the officer saw the drink in her hand!! It cost her almost $200!! ....& the $$ had to be expressed to her, because it had to be paid in person!! Talk about a nightmare!

Anyway, again, I applaud you for having a good relationship with your son. Keep up the good work! Oh, & as for those friends, maybe this is the wakeup call he needs.....& if you try to pull him away from them, he will attach harder to them - that's just how kids work. ....been there, done all of this & more with my oldest son - I wish you Peace!

Kudos mom!! But it will happen again. Stick to your guns. Such a hard age..

Sounds like you did a great job - he was already punishing himself, both by drinking when he didn't want to, and by feeling lousy (emotionally and probably physically) when he did drink.

He needs new friends. If they laugh at him, ridicule him, and do stuff he doesn't want to do, then are they really such great friends? Kids find new peer groups in high school all the time - this is the time to branch out. There are plenty who don't drink. My son avoided it by getting involved in the track team and doing healthy things, and by realizing how ridiculous kids act when they are drunk.

Find out what kinds of programs the high school is running to educate kids on drinking. The best ones are when they bring in older kids who became addicted or had their lives ruined in some way. There have been SO many deaths - not just driving, but also with kids doing things like leaving the party and walking in the woods & falling into a pond & drowning. Start with the health educator or the school resource officer if they have one.

Also, WHERE were they drinking? Someone's house? There are social host laws and the parents are responsible for what goes on there. They need to be informed. Were they drinking downtown behind some building? Let the police know that this is a hangout area. You can speak to your local police department without implicating anyone. Find out how they handle things and what they recommend - they are often very helpful and on top of things. One police chief in our area say that cops are really emotionally drained from having to ring the doorbell and tell another family that their kid is dead.

Keep talking to your kid but definitely have serious consequences, and immediate and non-negotiable ones!

'He couldn't take walking away and being laughed at anymore'.
No doubt about it - he needs a new peer group.
Friends don't treat each other like this.
Try getting him involved in activities where he meets new people so he has others to hang out with.
I liked how the Back to the Future movies dealt with peer pressure.
Marty kept getting into trouble because he couldn't resist rising to the challenge when ever anyone called him chicken.
He finally realized the people doing the name calling were idiots and why should he care what idiots thinks of him?

i think you handled this exactly right.
khairete
S.

It is so hard for kids to not fall to peer pressure. I would ask where and how he got the beer. I see one of two ways either one of the parents got them the beer or some store employee isn't checking IDs. Once you find out the source of the beer call the police and report them. He doesn't need to know who reported them. Not sure of the law but I believe it is a felony for parents of teens to furnish alcohol to minors. Many parents feel it's okay to offer alcohol to the friends of their kids without parental permission because they are drinking under adult supervision. I disagree, no one should be furnishing alcohol to minors, unless they are your own kids.
These other parents don't know your family history, alcholism is heritary. And they are taking the decision out of your hands and you are the parent.

I would tell my son - i'd rather you be laughed at than dead.....

But there will NOT be a next time! There is a REASON we have an age for drinking....at 15 he isn't mature enough to know when "enough is enough" - and for that matter - some "grown adults" don't know either!!! IF he feels the need to drink - TALK TO ME!!!! COME TO ME!!! CALL ME!!!!! IT IS OKAY TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!! IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO!!!!!

He needs to find new friends - get involved in a church youth group, Tae Kwon Do - or some other group where honor , integrity and respect are valued...these friends obviously don't respect him.

Now, that being said - when I was growing up alcohol was NEVER a no-no for me...my parents gave us the small aperitif glasses of wine, if we wanted to taste something - we weren't told no - by the time I got to HS, alcohol didn't mean anything to me - it didn't "do" anything for me other then give me a headache or bad/nasty taste in my mouth....so the peer pressure didn't affect me - I could go to my own home and have one with my parents if I wanted....

My kids get a "taste" of beer and wine and trust me - they are like YUCK!!!! How can you drink that stuff daddy?! As I don't drink - seriously - I can't remember the last time I had alcohol....

Have an open and frank discussion with him about drinking...if he was at a friend's house - you should KNOW where he was any way - and talk with the parents....did they know alcohol was being consumed?

Tell him it's OKAY to say NO!!!!!! Tell him to tell the people who are pressuring him to drink - I'd rather be alive and laughed at than drunk and stupid....as kids get REALLY stupid when they are drinking....they still think they are INVINCIBLE!!!! They aren't...as seen in MANY teen drinking and texting and driving "horror" movies.

I would also call the principal of the school and ask that they go over the drinking and driving program again - don't get specific with names - just say that with "Prom season" coming up you'd like the kids to have a reminder about the dangers of drinking and driving, etc.......it's OKAY TO SAY NO!!!

I think you should be extremely proud of your son, and am so glad that you did not punish him. Yes, he had one drink, but it is SO HARD not to when you are being laughed at. He could have easily stayed and kept drinking, but he came home early. He knows it's wrong to drink, and he doesn't want to drink. He just wants to keep the peace a bit with his friends and avoid getting ridiculed. I think, in fact, he should be rewarded for having left. Seriously. Perhaps a discussion on how to avoid drinking without having to walk away. Don't ask him to tell his friends that drinking is wrong - that's too much to ask of a child. But teach him to be strong in his convictions that drinking is not for him, and he'd like to hang out with him, but not if he has to drink with them. Perhaps if he suspects that beer will be there, either leave before the beer comes out, or have a soda on hand to drink so at least he's not sitting there with idle hands. I bet his friends will respect him for his resolve and who knows, maybe some of them will even follow his lead. Congratulations on raising such a wonderful boy.

My child would be out of that school and that peer group - today.

JMO . . .

curious since this had been on the board alot this weekend, Do you let him drink at home? Is there alcohol in your house? Just wondering about peoples comments about alcohol in the home from other posts.

I hope things work out with your son he sounds like a good kid.

I would agree that at this age, who their friends are and what they are doing is a huge influence. We've had some issues with my stepsons (16 and 17) smoking pot and their reason/excuse is "90% of the kids in our school do it and when we are with our friends they are all doing it so when it gets passed around we do it too." I let them know that that still doesn't mean they have to do it too (but they live with their mom full-time out of state so it's not up to me to keep tabs on them).

Personally I don't agree with not punishing him - I think he needs to be grounded or some other consequence because he broke your trust and you can't let him out of the house and hang with his friends until you feel you can trust him again. Telling you that he won't do it "all the time" isn't good enough - he has to decide not to do it again EVER! I would also emphasize that if they are truly friends, they won't be goading him into doing things that are wrong. He needs to try to see the big picture (always hard with teens!) and realize that his friends drinking and screwing around now are only going to get them in trouble in the future.

It would be nice if he would find a whole new group of friends who are not into drinking but I know that is easier said than done. Do you know the parents of these other kids and would you feel comfortable talking with them?

Hopefully by him coming in early he's realized that really isn't the crowd he wants to hang with. He might figure out how to axe them from his social circle on his own. The fact that he told you "I wont do it all the time" is a bit concerning tho.... sounds like he WILL do it again. This might be a good time to really point out some of the bad repercussions of drinking at an early age (or any age for that matter).
If he has a bit of a hangover this morning, don't baby him. Just do the "I hope this is a lesson for ya" thing or something of that nature.

I agree with the people that say the key is helping him figure out "cool" ways of saying no, or avoiding the issue. I had one friend who didn't want to drink while she was underage - she was the designated player of drinking games, while others were the designated drinkers.

But --- don't assume that he's telling you the truth. Be open and honest, and watch him like a hawk. Mark your liquor bottles, especially the clear ones, up the "I'll pick you up/meet you" routines. And if he really doesn't want to drink - let him use it as an excuse. "Man, my mom is really watching me. I've got to tow the line, just in case."