Possible Divorce - Milford,OH

NEVER stay together for the kids. That is awful for everyone involved. If this is not something that you can forgive, and if he isn't willing to do his part to work through this, then it needs to end. If you want to try to work through it, then do so. But never stay in a miserable situation for the sake of the kids. They see that horrible situation and learn nothing about a healthy relationship or how adults should treat each other.

Sorry, your husband sounds like a jerk. He cheats on you and then it's your responsibility to figure out a way to make it work because otherwise you're destroying the kids lives? I don't think so. What's he going to do to rectify the situation? What amends is he going to make?

Another HUGE red flag for me is the frequently not coming home because he's had too much to drink. I don't care where he's sleeping - it sounds to me like he's an alcoholic with a band problem, rather than a band member with an alcohol problem. That shouldn't be your problem to solve either, and I'm pretty confident that having a father who is never around because he's off drinking is worse for the kids than divorce.

That said, it's your marriage and if you want to work on it, do. But don't do it alone. You need a councilor. Perhaps you want to start seeing one just on your own to figure out your part of the relationship. If after that you want to work on your marriage, go ahead and do that.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but my heart breaks for women who are treated so poorly and for some reason feel like they have to deal with it because that's the hand life has dealt them. You can make your life better than it is now, with or without your husband. Good luck.

From one musicians wife to another, you have to have a few things to make this type of a relationship work I have watched too many girlfriend's go thru this because they did not follow the rules of dating a band man!
1. trust
2. understand that flirting is part of the JOB
3. lay out the ground rules (for us contact w/ groupies is ok online but not via phone unless I know her too)
4. have a set family/band schedule my SO works full time as well so here is what we do M,T home at night W home in time to go to bed with me, T,F,Sa practice/promote all you want Su ALL FAMILY unless previously discussed (flexability is important and time MUST be "made up")
5. For every 3 live shows he goes to (I look at it as his 2nd job) I get a girls night out
If you can move past it, since there does not appear to be "proof" then I suggest you start over with a new set of rules/understandings. If you can not move past it because it was too far even if it was "only an emotional affair" then you need to speak to a lawyer to get things started.
Good Luck with whatever you decide, but I can tell you from experiece that with out CLEAR boundaries and guidelines set the musician's lifestyle can get in the way with the family lifestyle. My SO and I have worked REALLY hard to keep it together and if you chose to keep it going you both will need to work really hard. And people who have not been in a relationship where one member is in a successful band are probably not going to understand many things that go on, what matters is that what you decide what will be best for you and your family.

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Seems like the mom is the one saddled with being responsible. I would encourage you to seek spiritual support and peace during your decision process. My parents split up when I was 8. It was a long and agonizing and silly process. However, I would ascribe to Dr. Phil's truth: Kids would rather BE from a broken home than IN one. I could never understand the reasoning of "we stayed together for the kids"...that only serves to put the blame on them. Plus, you don't want to teach them to look for relationships like you are modeling, where there is a lack of trust and foundation. Good luck to you but don't feel guilty for doing the right thing for you, your husband and the kids. Someone has to be the hero - that might be you.

My husband cheated on me a couple of years ago. We learned a lot about making our marriage truly work, so that we are both happy, from that experience. There are a few things you have the right to insist on:
He truly is sorry and doesn't blame you.
In your case, I would ask for the band stuff to be put on hold for a specified period of time while you two work on new boundaries and toward healing from this egregious breech of trust. (In my case my husband didn't get to go out without me for a very long time, in fact most of his socializing was done in our home and still is).
All contact with the girl ends, and she is notified that she is not to contact him ever again and it is OVER (you can do this or he can do it with you present, in my case, I took the bull by the horns and told her myself, then allowed ONE phone conversation for them, but she was one of our employees and a friend of mine).
Insist he never try to contact her again, and refocus his attention on your and our marriage.
Go to counseling, with or without him.

He doesn't get to pressure you for sex or forgiveness. He has to give you time to grieve. If you decide to stay with him, it will be a new marriage with new rules. I like Kristina's suggestions for rules, but at first, he will have to refocus all of his attention on you and give the music a break for a while. If his marriage is worth it, he'll do it. He doesn't have to quit the band, he needs to re-prioritize and work to save this marriage NOW. If you were sick with cancer and his practices and playing out interfered with your care and treatment, would he be able to put it on hold for a while? I sure hope so. I sure hope this marriage is not some "side gig" for him, because if it is, you might as well get out now. The children are worth saving this marriage for, it was sometimes the only thing that helped us move forward but never the ONLY reason.

Good luck. I know how much you are hurting right now, I truly do understand this. It does get better, but only with time and true repenting from your husband will this marriage be saved.

Sounds bad A..
You need to decide whether you can make the marriage work provided he does the sincere apology and changes his current ways and includes you in everything he does from here on out so you know that he isnt doing anything wrong. If you dont think you can ever forgive him (right now you might think you cant but their is a possibility you can work through it if you guys get on the same page), don't waste your time moping, being pissed off, and trying to get revenge and/or displaying things to your kids that they do not need to know about.
They say you should stay together and try to work thru things, but in a situation like this I think it would be best for you to ask him to leave. Or you pack up and leave and take some time away from each other and decide whether you both want to hit the therapists couch to hash this out. You wont know if you can live without him till you try, and that goes both ways.

I am so, so sorry that you are married to my husband.

What makes it even worse is that I know *great* musician spouses (their first thought is to call the kids / their wife or husband when they're out... they let OTHER band members wait around to get paid / the promo slack gets picked up by the other band members, their spouse is always the first person to get the call about the annoying groupie, their spouse knows every inch of what is up at every show, any time their spouse or kids can come out to a show they just revel in it instead of get embarrassed / feel constrained by it / hide in the green room with groupies the whole time, other band members take care of load in, jerk managers get tossed on their ear, every inch of extra time is spent with their family, etc)... essentially, they love music, know the game of the industry and play it, but they are also IN LOVE with their families, and their family is their first priority.

In my case it was so bad that SINGLE players were calling my husband out for being a jerk.

"You married someone who was FINE with all the industry BS, but you just had to screw that over! Like the BS is what was important instead of her and your own KID. Do you know how hard it is to find a girl who not only puts up with what we have to do, but is supportive of it? Someone who talks you up to your freakin kids about how wonderful daddy is instead of complaining to them how much you're gone? She didn't even care about freakin' groupies as long as you didn't sleep with them! You're a f'n idiot, man. An f'n idiot. You've lost her and your kid and you're blaming HER. Who'd SHE sleep around with? The only one who f'd you over was you."

Edited transcript of a "pocket call" conversation of my husband being chewed out by one of his friends.

I agree... the BAND has nothing to do with it, it's him... and all him. And trying to blame shift it into being *your* fault is both pathetic and typical.

I would suggest seeking out a marriage counselor or even possibly something called Retrovaille (it's a program by the Catholic church; however, any and all faiths or non-faithed people are welcome). Those are solid options IF you and he really want to save your marriage.

Having grown up in a family where my father had mulitple affairs and neither he nor my mother sought counselling of any sort, I can tell you that "staying together for the kids" is just as harmful -- if at times not more -- than moving on to healthier relationships. Which takes me back to the comment that if you are both committed to making your marriage work, then you need to take the steps necessary to make it a healthy relationship. THAT's what your children need...whether you are married or divorced.

If your husband won't go to counselling with you, go alone. You need to be able to talk with someone who can be an objective listener and who knows the right questions to ask you so that you can discover what is right for you.

A.:

First - Ask yourself this - am I better off with or without him? If the answer is with - then YOU need to make a decision on HOW YOU want to handle it. If it is without - then you need to kick his butt to the curb. PERIOD.

Second - his not keeping is dick in his pants is NOT YOUR FAULT. To have him push this off on you is TOTALLY unacceptable. he's an adult - band member or not - he's in control of his actions. No one is holding a gun to his head to make him text her, etc.

Third - DO NOT MAKE HIM CHOSE. He's an adult. This is YOUR life too. You TELL HIM what YOU are going to do. If it's the way he's going - then great - if not - his loss, not yours.

Fourth - the kids? REALLY?! Do NOT use the kids as a pawn. THEY ARE NOT! The kids are better off with two parents who love each other and respect each other. They can and WILL pick up on the nuances of comments or the body language you two are exhibiting. Most kids would rather have their parents happy than fighting.

My ex-husband cheated on me - not once but several times. It wasn't me - he was getting sex at home - so he couldn't say "aww pity poor me" he just couldn't help himself. I forgave him the first time - but when it became habit and he wouldn't wear a condom (I could've begged him to stop - but really - he was an adult free to make his decisions) I told him he wasn't worth my life. No, I don't condone cheating - but I'm not going to beg and plead.

Quitting the band will solve nothing. He needs to grow up and realize that he is married. Unless you guys have an open marriage - which it doesn't sound like you do - you need to make a choice. DO NOT MAKE HIM CHOSE. He needs to grow up.

YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH. YOU ARE MARRIED!!! YOU WANTED A SINGLE PARTNER!!!! He NEEDS to grow up and figure out WHY he feels the need to communicate and/or fornicate with this other W.. Hell, I'm bold - I'd call her myself and ask her what her take is. Does she know that he says that their "relationship" is "NOTHING"? Oh yeah - I've confronted other women. He may be telling her one thing and you another - funny what you learn when talk to the other party.

HE MUST GROW UP!! DO NOT LET HIM CONTROL YOU!!! This is HIS mess, NOT YOURS!!! DO NOT LET HIM USE GUILT OR THE KIDS TO HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!!

You can make demands of him - you can drop him off at the bar for the concert - but make sure he has enough money for a cab home and tell him YOU EXPECT HIM HOME. No, you aren't his mother, but you DO expect him home. I'd like to know where he is staying on the nights he doesn't come home. If he can get to a hotel or a friends house - he can get home. That's my take.

DO NOT EVER let a man manipulate you, guilt you or use the kids as pawns. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!!! NOT HIM!!
Please feel free to inbox me personally. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

So tough, so sad. I feel for the position you're in. It is possible that your husband really sees the error of his ways and wants to change. It could be that "too drunk to drive" was primarily an excuse to stay out and mess around, but if alcohol is a significant part of the picture, he may have a bigger problem than he's willing to admit right now.

At any rate, if music is a large part of his life, it may not be realistic to expect him to just drop it. I can sure understand your resentment toward the demands that makes on his time and energy, especially now that he's a father, and your concern that he will go on finding temptation at his bar venues. And it could be true that great deal of his self-identity is rooted in his band, and requiring that he drop that could leave him with a sense of rootlessness, discontent and resentment that won't contribute to the long-term success of your relationship.

There are some deep and emotional issues at work her, A.. If it's at all possible for the two of you to get into counseling, together and possibly separately, I would do it. Marriages have survived this and come out stronger, with both parties growing personally and growing closer.

Divorce is hard, possibly harder and uglier than you can imagine right now, and parenting arrangements can take an emotional toll on kids and grownups both. I'm not suggesting you should stay in this marriage no matter what. I do hope you'll find out whether it can be healed before you call it quits. It sounds like your husband may have received a wake-up/grow-up message in getting caught.

My best to you all.

Don't stay just for the kids.

Having said that, I totally think you should not be considering divorce yet! Go to counseling. A good counselor can help you find that middle ground that makes you both happy. It's going to take some time and some effort (from him) to get you to the point where you can trust him in his career again. And he needs to realize that. You need to set up some boundaries in your marriage -- what you're comfortable with as far as his schedule goes, and conversations with other women, etc.

Your both in a difficult position right now, and it's going to take a mediator to get you to see where the other one is coming from. But it certainly doesn't sound like it's over for the two of you. I have 2 children -- one from my ex husband, and one from my current husband. My ex & I have a really good relationship (our spouses, included), but it's still VERY difficult trying to work out schedules and discipline and holidays. Both the stepmom & I were crying yesterday b/c it's so frustrating trying to make this work. And we have a good relationship together!!! My point is...please, please don't consider divorce. Work through it. Don't stay for the kids - do stay because you made a commitment to your husband when you said your vows. Work together to buil that love & trust again. You CAN do it!! =)

First of all, don't believe for a minute that you will scar the kids if you expose them to divorce. My X told me that all the time and I believed it for a long time. What do you think those kids are seeing? What are they thinking? What are you two teaching them about relationships? Those kids need to see a mother that is strong enough to stand up for what she wants for her family. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I know it hurts because my first husband was a cheater and I wondered for so long what I had done to cause him to do this. The correct answer is that you did not cause this at all and it is his lack of self-esteem that fuels his ego and desire to have every woman admiring him. Self-esteem can be build up but he would have to admit that there is a problem and see a counselor to seek help. The main concern here would be that HE would have to admit that HE has a problem. I don't think that is going to happen. I think with his lack of self-esteem and the alcohol problem it would be a long road. Be strong! You may want to seek counseling and see the wonderful things you can do for yourself and your family when you are strong! I went to counseling for a couple of years before I got strong enough to leave. I know there are a lot of spouses that treat their partners badly and this is a very unnecessary situation. He will play lots of mindgames on you and that is why it is important to be the best you can be. Hugs and kisses sent your way!!

Sounds like he being very manipulative. Turning things around to make you feel the guilt for ending the marriage, when in fact it is his actions that have caused you to reach this point. He is the one who had the affair, and if he truly wanted to save the marriage and "ruin" the kids lives, then he should be the one willing to give up anything or do anything to make up for what he has done. But honestly, the way you are describing his attitude, it sounds like he would be likely to do it again, he is taking no responsibilty for his actions, and the lifestyle that he leads which have contributed to the current situation. This is not on you, HE made the bad choices, and will probably continue to make them since he does not seem to be willing to change anything for you. You don't think you can forgive him, and can't stand the sight of him, it's probably time to at least separate for awhile. I am a child of divorce, coming from a home with parents who could not stand the sight of each other. That is not a good environment for kids, and I was truly relieved when my parents got divorced. I know your kids are still young, and it may be difficult for them to understand, but they will know if you are miserable and there is tension between the two of you. Good luck to you, I hope you are able to find happiness one way or another!!

This is always such a heart-breaking situation. The first thing is, though, no matter what you do, you will have to "deal with it for them." Your kids' father is going to be a presence in your life forever. Sometimes women think that it's reasonably sterile - you get the divorce, negotiate the visitation, receive the child support and things work out the way they are supposed to because it's court-ordered, right? No. Dad forgets the game or forgets to pick the kids up or neglects to pass along the information sheet that the school forgot and only made one copy of so you didn't know about... The kids say that Dad says this and allows that so why don't you? This happens even with amicable divorces. With ugly divorces, it's 1,000 times worse. With an ugly divorce it isn't disappointing "oops" it's malicious slams. Sometimes daily events that are frustrating and disappointing and hard to deal with that divorce doesn't solve.

Right now your husband is attempting to manipulate you in every possible way - what's good for the kids, how silly you are, how selfish you are.
1. You're not being selfish wanting him to quit the band, you're frightened. You can see then end of life as you've known it, the end of trust, etc., and it seems like his being in the band is a big part of the problem. It's been a way for him to NOT be with you and the kids. It's been a way for him to party, get tons of adoration, and not be a grown-up. Now you're asking him to set it aside and he's pouting and sulking and saying you're not being fair.
2. You're not being unfair to the kids to consider divorce. Your husband shouldn't be texting another woman. Period.

No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. Whether your husband agrees to counseling or not, you need to go. You've extended him a tremendous amount of trust over the years, and it's been abused. And there's no hurry. A lot of times, people get hurt and they say "That's it!" and they want everything to change immediately. Don't hurry. Try to imagine 20 years from now how you would want the situation to have turned out from this point forward - and work towards that end as much as you can so that your conscience is clear.

God bless.

trust is a hard thing to earn and even harder to RE earn. My friend is going through this. From your post I dont beleive your hubby.. The fact that you have PROOF of his cheating via texting and he claiming "its no big thing and you need to forget about it" is his way of saying "oh sh!t, I got caught," and he may end the relationship with that girl but that wont be the "END" of his cheating. if its not her, its going to be with someone else in another 6 months.
if I were you I would do what my friend did. He put a tracking device in his wifes car and was able to see where she drove to and from. The next day he would just ask in casual conversation "oh where did you go last night? Did you guys do anything after hitting XYZ bar?" if the tracking device said YES, and she said no, then you know he is lying.
Once or twice a month, he had a P.I track her when he had his radar up. It may cost you a little bit but its WORTH it if you want to find out if he is being truthful with you. In the end, she was and still is lying to my friend. They are going to marriage councelling and she is seeking a 1 on 1 therapy but the outcome still doesnt look good. .
and BTW NOONE should stay with any partner 'for the kids'. If you are not into your partner or vice versa you are doing more damage to the kids by showing them what love is NOT. if you stay, they would then repeat your mistake and marry someone they may not totally be in love with (like they should love anyway) being in a loveless marriage is a waste of yours and his time....even if you are in love with him, it may be apparent that he does not respect you in the same way.
Good luck

Sometimes staying together is not the best for the kids..... you want them to grow up thinking it's okay to cheat on their significant other? Don't get me wrong - if you can forgive and he can't stop, then by all means - stay together. A close friend stayed together "for the kids" and they are all miserable.......

Your husband sounds really selfish!! He does not even want to take responsibility for his actions. The decision is upto you but do not stay with him just for the kids since that will do them no good.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. IMO, cheating of any kind is unforgivable. I'm always surprised that other woman will suggest therapy and working it out. I think it is the one thing that cannot be worked out because every single time he's out, you will lose sleep and wonder. What kind of life is that, if you can't trust. And believe me, your children will thank you for a stable upbringing. They will respect you for leaving a man who cheated on their mother. Someone else can love you and your children, and you WILL find happiness again.

staying with him for the children is definitely not the answer....they will pick up on the resentment & unloving atmosphere. My parents did this when I was a child. I am 29 now and still have trouble showing affection or actually believing that sometimes my husband just wants to sit and be near me. My parents were very cold to each other and I think that is what would happen if you decided to stay "just for the kids". I don't know if making your husband give up something he loves will make the situation much better. It wasn't the music that made him do what he did. If he does give up the band, he may resent you for it and then you are back to the unkind environment. You have to decide if YOU want to forgive him and can trust him again. I know this is easier said than done and I don't have any idea of how you would begin, but I do know that YOU have to be content in life too.

It does sound like you need to spend more time together one on one and as a family which maybe accomplished if he reduced the time he spent with the band. I try to keep in mind in my own marriage that when we got married we vowed to come together as one and lead a life together (for the most part)....not two separate lives that happen to share a house or kids. If you want to work on the relationship, I do think the first step is to compromise on how you can spent more time together. The extra time has to come from somewhere and then you will find out where each of your priorities lie. If his priorities are not in line with your priorities, you have to make the decision on how you want to lead YOUR life and what roles you want your children to learn about "family life".

When I first got married and had children, my husband still hung out with his friends all of the time and I was home with the kids. I started to resent him for that and did not want him around either. He seemed as if he didn't know how to do anything with the kids. I explained to him that I was not going to have a family where dad got to do all of the fun stuff and mom had to do everything else. It wasn't fair to me and I wanted the kids to know that they could depend on dad too. That he would know how to "fix" booboos or what stuffed animals was whose favorite. It takes effort everyday, but we are working on it. I still struggle with finding time for me and am working on that too. However, I know that my kids feel as if they can depend on either of us and we try to show as much love and affection as we can.

I hope this help. I had so much I wanted to say that I hope it came across ok. Whatever you decide this is not going to be an easy or quick process and you both have to be committed to making some changes. If either of you are not willing to negotiate then I wouldn't bother wasting anytime on a relationship that isn't working now and therefore cannot be successfully in the future.

His first responsibility is his family. If this is tearing up his family, he needs to take a break from it and focus on getting his marriage strong. SOmeone once told me that the greatest gift you can give your children is to love each other. He needs to put time and energy into building the strength of the marriage.

Okay first of all your husband is trying to push the blame back onto you-um what? He was the one that went against HIS vows to you and not only to you but your children!! Of course he can justify for you to "get over it" for the kids sake because he was in the wrong and he doesn't see it that way and until he does this marriage is doomed. He should have thought about his kids when his you know what couldn't stay in his pants at the very least if he didn't think about YOU.....he is the selfish one because he is a cheater. I have always said that a cheater has a characteristic flaw and that flaw is selfishness. If he was interested in keeping his marriage at this point he would need to appear translucent and do whatever it was to make YOU happy. One thing I have learned -its "OKAY" for you to ask something of your partner if that is what is going to make you happy. If he can't or won't then he isn't invested within the marriage and based upon what you described he is a little man that needs to grow up. You can't control that but you can control YOUR happiness and what is best for your two kids. Do you think its a good role model of a marriage to have a husband not come home to his family? It would be different if he was "supporting" his family this way-but this completely sounds like boy playing with buddy friends and not taking care of his adult responsabilities!!! Within a marriage there are certain compromises and honey it sounds as if you have done the majority-he wants his cake and eat it too. So give it to him. You do not have to "accept" his cheating. Some can get past it but the way he is acting I don't see how this could be worked out and forgiven and put away in the past-he still wants to play. So I say my opinion of course and it is YOUR decision-give the little boy his toys and leave him be. You and your kids would be better off in the long run. I am a strong advocate for making a marriage work at all cost especially with innocent children involved. I mean not only did he lie to you but he also did it to his CHILDREN! How do you do that???? However if one party isn't willing to give it their all meaning making some compromises on their part to make you happy or at least you can put this in the past then I'm afraid to say that the marriage might just need to end. I hate that for your kids and yourself but it sounds like your husband needs a huge wake up call and needs to GROW UP!

I have seen guys who have this great love of music and this desire to pursue their "rock star" dreams. I don't know how old your husband is but I do know that very few make it and, the older you get, the less likely that you will ever acheive any real degree of success. By "success," I mean $$$. That being said . . .

Your husband doesn't have a family freindly job right now. Is his being in a band more important than the security and wellbeing of his marriage and family right now? What concessions is he making right now for the sake of the family? What damage control is he doing? And by that I mean, what is he doing to make things right with you?

I don't like his response to this situation right now but he's been allowed to play in the band for so long that he probably doesn't see another way of going about this. If you are so used to getting what you want, then getting what you want is not necessarily going to be seen as a bad thing. Do you understand what I am saying. He may have the maturity, sensitivity and foresight to see what his other choices may or should be. This is where marriage counseling comes in.

Marriage counseling should hopefully, help you and your husband change the dynamics of your relationship so that the two of you are compromising for the sake of the family and the two of you are also able to live a fullfilling life. I would highly suggest that the two of you find a marriage counselor to help you work on moving your relationship onto healthier relationship territory. If your husband is not willing to go to see a marriage counselor and is not willing to give up playing with the band then, I think, no one would fault you for throwing in the towel.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. My prayers are with you and your family.

I think the better option would be counseling and quit texting and communicating w/ her altogether. If he's going to cheat, being in a band won't have a THING to do with it.

I think HE'S being selfish by even communicating w/ her. If he values his marriage, he wouldn't be doing it. Does she know he's married? If so, I have NO respect for ANY woman who knows it and pursues it anyway. Doesn't say a whole lot about her as a woman nor her integrity.

I do understand that if the band is his source of income, etc. that he wouldn't want to quit. HOWEVER, there needs to be CLEAR SET BOUNDARIES AND communication.

I've known other marriages that have failed just because of the texting, etc. He shouldn't have asked for her number, given her his, etc. THAT would have put a stop to it from the get-go. If a man is married, there is NO reason, other than family or business that another woman's number should be in his phone. Same goes for females. That's just asking for trouble.

He needs to ask himself what kind of a role model/father he wants for his kids. I doubt being a cheater would be on the list of qualties. If not, then he needs to change it. He needs to look at the message the communicating is sending.......to you and his family.

Get yourselves a good counselor.

My heart goes out to you. It's tough because ultimately, it has to be your decision. I've never tolerated cheating in mine or any of my family or friends' relationships. But, as I've gotten older, I've learned that there are more cases of spouses cheating than I realized. Some of my in-laws who are now grandparents, have gone through it and stuck together for the kids. They worked past their issues. A couple years ago, one of my best friends told me that her husband was cheating on her... and I told her to leave him. They have no children. But, they went to counseling, and they are doing better.

If you are wanting to make it work with him, I wouldn't ask him to give up part of his identity... his music/band. Then, he'll just resent his life with you and the kids that much more. Both of you will need to work on building that trust.