Divorce and an Affair

I have found that when I have made mistakes, especially big ones that affect my family life/stability, it is actually GOOD to feel the shame and guilt for a while. It's part of the process. You did something you regret, you can't undo it, but you could and should own those feelings. As far as moving on, that takes time. Hopefully you have learned something from this and won't end up in another unhappy marriage/relationship. That is something positive to focus on, NOT REPEATING THE CYCLE.

Does the guilt go away? I don't know. You have to forgive yourself. and live with what you did. Did you learn from it? Do you think you'll repeat it?

I can tell you the grass isn't greener. I can tell you that once you and your new boyfriend get into the grind of every day life, the glitter will most likely wear off and you will be wondering "really?"

I would get together with my husband and close that chapter of my life. It sounds like you do not have closure with him or what caused you to have an affair. If you don't deal with that or those issues, you will be doomed to repeat yourself and wind up in the same boat again.

The only way to move on is to close that chapter in your life. You need to TELL HIM you are sorry. Tell him WHY you wanted out and why you wanted to cheat and lie to him...don't make him question what he did wrong to make you turn away...tell him..yeah, it will hurt. But you owe it to him to tell him WHY you did the things you did...then you should be able to move on...sometimes though - the guilt we carry is our guts telling us we did it wrong....for your future happiness, i hope not!!

GOOD LUCK!!

You feel guilt, because you did something wrong. Honestly, I really think time is the only thing that takes care of that. And, perhaps not being with the man who helped destroyed lives. Honestly, he's a constant reminder of the hurt you caused yourself and your family. It's really not healthy, and that's probably eating at you. He holds all your regret, and he's probably not nearly as awesome as he seemed. That's a hard thing to carry. Counseling is probably a REALLY good idea for you.

When you say move on, what do you mean? Did you or are you proceeding with the divorce? So moving forward means without your husband, right?

Honestly, I think that even if you are moving ahead with the divorce, it would do you all a world of good to not be "with" your affair partner. The success rate for relationships that start out as affairs is abysmal - something like 2%. If he's worth it in the long run, he'll be there after the dust settles and your kids have time to heal. Frankly, you're setting them up for double heartache when you wrecked their first family for this guy and will most likely not end up with him either. Sorry to be harsh but that's the reality.

Guilt is a great thing to feel when you did something wrong, which you did. You should feel awful, so it's a healthy sign that you do. You can't let it consume you though, just let it guide your future actions. Seek some therapy for yourself so that you have a safe place to fall apart and are strong enough to proceed quickly with the divorce and be there for your kids. I think that you will feel better when you're no longer in a relationship with this guy who is not good for you or your kids (really, what kind of person sleeps with someone who is married with kids?). I think that having this relationship as a constant reminder of your hurtful choice will not let you and your kids heal. Again, if he is really a worthwhile person, he will be patient and will be there in the future when you are actually divorced and it's an appropriate time to begin dating again. But to stay in this relationship is going from the frying pan to the fire. Your kids will need your focus and attention now. Be a big girl, end this relationship for now and focus on putting your kids first and getting your head on straight. I think that once you do that, you'll feel less guilty and that you are moving forward, because you will be.

Uhg it makes me sick to my stomach as i have been where your husband is.
"I don't even know what my husband is feeling."
In my case i mostly worried about my children and being around someone like you with no morals. So he's probably thinking that.
He is probably hurt, feeling betrayed, lied to, can't trust you, ect.
You should ask him if he wants to tell you anything or ask you anything and just finish up the whole closure part and then move onto the divorce stuff.
I think you should feel horrible. You are a liar to your husband and probably to your kids as well.
You will be able to move on just fine, because you know what you want. I'm sure once he starts the process of forgiving you, your guilt will lessen.
Communication is key in any relationship which you will still have with your husband since you have 3 children with him.
I would suggest from now on you only talk about your children. That has helped me the most.
Hope it was worth it. Remember next time just tell him you want out, before you hurt him.

I won't go with the negative comments since you asked not to and you know what you did was wrong.

Go to counseling for you. If YOU want to feel better, you will need to forgive yourself. I think that is the only way to move forward.

I think that when we do something really wrong, we have to live with the guilt. It gets better over time, but guilt is now part of who you are. It's never going to go away, and nor should it--bad feelings are here to prevent you from doing it again, right?

From here on out, focus on doing the right thing.

If you ever feel like cheating again with your current boyfriend, please STAY SINGLE (or at least celibate) for at least a couple years until you figure out who you are. You probably need the experience of living with out a man for awhile. You are stronger than you think.

All good advice. I want to add, be sure to apologize to your husband. Your guilt is partially due to the hurt to him. Once your children are old enough, be prepared to also admit this poor choice and to advise them from what you have learned. My father finally made amends to my mom, my sister and me after 17 yrs after their divorce. That was too long,but very appreciated by me.

Hello!! I did something similar, I was married (2 years, together for 10 before), 2 kids and I met someone, I never expected for this to happen and after 4 years, I am still with this man...the love of my life. I can tell you there are rarely days anymore that I feel the guilt for hurting my ex-husband. In the beginning the guilt was horrible. But, we are both better now and know we would not have been ok together. So that you are feeling guilt, tells me that you are a caring person, and you care about your husband just not in a way that keeps you together and you may feel bad for hurting him as we never want to intentionally hurt anyone we love. But you may also be mourning what you did have and the changes.
The good news, it does get better with time and you can only know at this point that you are confident in the decisions you made and if you and your husband are able to communicate and get along, it will only make it easier for you and the kids and you can still be friends with him.
Not sure if this helps with your questions but bottom line, the guilt gets better and it may not be guilt but just the pain of something ending and hurting someone else.
I hope everything works out for you!!

Does your husband have any desire to be married to you anymore? If he does you should give your family a chance. End the relationship with the new guy, it is doomed anyway because of the way it started. The affair happened for a reason, you need to figure out what it was. What need was not being met? Couples can sometimes recover from horrible things like this. You loved him when you married him. Did he change, you change, or did you just grow apart? Try to figure it out for your kids' sake. If nothing else, maybe it will help with the guilt. You will have to work very hard to earn his trust back, expect that and be willing to do it. Good luck.

It sounds to me as if you need closure with your husband. You have children together, which means you're going to have to deal with each other, so perhaps it's a good idea to work through things with him. Apologize to him. He might not forgive you, which is what you seem to need most, but at least you would be taking a step toward reparations.

I don't think you can forgive yourself until you work things out with your husband. And by "work things out" I mean "clear the air" and have a discussion or series of discussions with him about what happened and why without once putting any of the blame on him. Be sure he knows how sorry you are and how bad you feel. He may need to vent on you, which is all right. Let him have his say.

I'm sure that there were things going on in your marriage before the affair that we're not privy to, and I don't care to know, but those things didn't just disappear because you had the affair and aren't together any more. So perhaps those things should be worked out too for the sake of the children so that custody doesn't become a nightmare and you guys can learn to co-exist with each other for the future.

If you don't think that you can do this all civilly, or are afraid to do this alone with him, then for the sake of the children I would suggest having a family counseling session with him before you attend counseling for yourself and/or the children. That way you can have neutral ground for both of you to air things out.

This site has often been recommended by one of the mamas who regularly contributes to mamapedia:

http://survivinginfidelity.com

There are forums specifically for the "betrayed spouse" and for the "wayward spouse"; for reconciling couples and separating/divorcing couples.

Go to your husband and talk to him.
Tell him that you are very sorry for what you did.

You have to put the past in the past, and move yourself to the future. Not an easy thing to do, but, you have to forgive yourself before you can move on. It is the only way to come to terms and be at peace with yourself. I would suggest counseling for you, as well as your children. Divorce is never an easy thing to go through, regardless of how you got there. Good luck to you and yours.

Like alot of other people have pointed out I feel guilt is there for a reason. It's there because we did something wrong. It's like our own little punishment. As with anything you can pry remember in the past you regretted and felt guilt for over time it will lessen but I don't think there is any way to escape the guilt you feel. You did something wrong, you know it that's why you feel guilty. The fact that you feel guilty hopefully means you learned your lesson so time will heal. Your husband I guarantee feels much worse than you do.

I do think that going to your husband and asking for forgiveness and making it up to him and owning up to what you did well, that might make you feel better to some degree. But really I think time is all you have.

Everyone does things that they have guilty feelings over, not all as drastic as an affair, but we all have made mistakes in our lives. The guilty feelings show that you realize your mistake and that you are learning from it. Now it will take time to forgive yourself and you will find the guilt eases a little but will never totally go away. Mine was cheating on a test in 10 grade way back in 1977. I did get caught and it was my one and only time I cheated but I still feel horrible when I see the subsitute teacher that had been teaching that day. This guilt feeling is good because it reminds us not to do it again. The ones you worry about is those who make excuses for why they cheat, blaming it ALL on the other person. If they don't take accountability for their mistake then they will never learn and will continue the behavior. You are taking accountability although I disagree with the remark about it not being all your fault. I disagree with that because there is things that happen in a marriage in which the marriage cannot continue but there is nothing the other person does that will make it ok to have an affair, that is purely selfish. No marriage is perfect and there is times in a marriage, most marriages, where you really get to wonder if you even like your spouse, but that passes when you work through problems. To women who have a spouse cheat on them and people advise them to cheat too I always say "Even if you don't owe it to your husband to be faithful, you owe it to yourself" So let time heal you and let the guilt feelings keep you grounded and let this become a lesson learned. I would pray for forgiveness also, it will help to turn it over to God.