Placing Blame

You're doing it right! They both get blamed and punished if you didn't see who did it.

This is just sibling rivalry. It's normal.

I have no advise for you but do have 2 1/2 year old twins and can just hardly wait until this phase. Please update us on how everything works out. I will take notes and keep it for future reference. Good luck!!!

I go through it daily so as a blanket rule, both kids get punished because I am a "mean mommy". I have no clue how to handle it either but they are getting better since I have gradually taken more things away each time they do it too. Our kids work really well by us taking away certain things that have no impact on us really. They can not have juice all day and have to drink only water or they will not get chocolate milk before bed or play with the neighbor, etc...it is the little things now that effect them the most.

I love it! My five year old blames "baby" for everything! I have to laugh at some of the things he blames my 2 year old for. I reason it out with him and tell him that it is impossible. You are in a different situation b/c your two kids are the same age. I would just keep reinforcing that that is called "fibbing/lying/story telling" and eventually they will "get it", like when they are adults and all these values we teach them come to play in their lives! lol Good luck; I am right there with you!

There is an EXCELLENT book I just started reading that is by Dr. James Dobson called, The New Dare to Discipline...I bet he would have some things that would help you GREATLY.
Just from having a 2 1/2 yr old of my own and a 6 yr old, and I have a close friend that has 2 1/2 yr old twins...depending on if they are young 3 or older 3, they may not understand what lying is?... I would continue what you are doing with the time out, but choose your battles...if what they are doing is something that isn't destroying eachother or you belongings, then let them be for awhile... Sounds like you are holding up great, as you have TWO to deal with...I wonder what I am doing sometimes with only one toddler... Keep up the good job managing these little rascals!
~K.

PLace a reward on the table such as an extra trip to the park or a cheap toy for the person who tells the truth. Reward GOOD behavior. For the person who lied, make them stay behind for the trip to the park or don't get them the cheap toy. Explain to them that lying is not tolerated what so ever and will not be rewarded. If neither come forward, then you are on the right track, both are in touble. If one does come forward make sure you praise their courage and honesty. After being left out a few times they will start trying to be the first one to be honest. And BE COSISTANT! Kids get confused when it wasn't ok last time but it IS this time.

I never went through it myself, but I watched my mom do it--my younger brothers are twins, about 2 1/2 years younger than me. With my brothers, that behavior lasted for a while, so you may have to just grit your teeth for a couple years. My mom used the "group punishment" method as well when she couldn't tell who did what, and based on how mischiveous BOTH my brothers were, I'm sure eventually the punishments evened out! If you can figure out who the culprit is, then make sure only that one is punished--and punish that one twice if he/she lied about it. Make sure the both understand that there's a punishment for the original misbehavior AND for the lie, so they learn lying is wrong (I know you've told them it is, but sometimes my brothers only really "learned" through punishment--and I'm sure that's the same for lots of kids). And make sure they understand that they won't get into trouble for an accident if they DON'T lie about it.

After reading some of the responses, I guess I'm lucky my 2 1/2 year old hasn't figured out he's got a defenseless scapegoat in his baby sister yet! :-)

By the way, R., good luck with your sewing! I quilt and will be making the bedding for my babies crib once we move her out of the bassinet in our room. It's lots of fun, so enjoy!

I have four girls, and three of them are in this stage. They are 5, 4, almost 3 and almost 1. They blame each other for everything! So I keep checking back here.

When I was younger my little sister blamed everything on me and my parents always believed her- even if I could prove she was lying! I was still nice to her until we hit puberty and then I realized I could never be friends with someone like her. Now, well, I force having a relationship with her but if I had more friends or she didn't have children my girls' ages I wouldn't have anything to do with her. sad but true. So we better nip this one in the bud!

My kids are a year apart and I can't honestly remember this stage lasting very long. So there is hope. LOL

I taught preschool and our way to deal with it was that we are a group and as a group we work/play/laugh/cry.

The big thing we did with our children at home was not ask who did it or when or why. The real issue is that it was done.

So if someone spills their milk, I just say oops and we clean it up. We don't discuss who, how, when. We say be more careful and let us clean it up quick.

They were with me alllll the time so very rarely did something happen where I did not see who did what.

If they were told to pick something up and it got broken, no one was blamed because....well they should have picked it up. Their toy getting broken should be enough incentive to clean up after themselves--even at age 3. If all their toys get broken then after awhile they won't have anything to play with. It may take a few times for them to get it. I always reminded them at certain times to do certain things- a 3 yr old needs lots of direction.

As for chores. I did not assign things specifically. They were told to pick something up and expected to do it. Not argue about who got it out, who left it there or why. I told them we all live in this house and help each other. So your job is to help by picking up this toy I asked you to pick up. If you argue with me you can go sit in time out and then pick up the toy. If you argue again....

so in other words I was more stubborn than they were about some things. I had to be very consistent also and not let them suck me into debates about who should get into trouble or why they should be in trouble.

They have become more fearful of the consequences of their actions than the value and reward that could come of the truth.

It is importportant for them to know why you want to know. Do you know why you want to know? Hopefully, it is because you want to positively change one of their behaviors and teach them why that is not the correct action to take by using a useful consequence. Not flashing with anger and keeping calm is a hard route to take, but you get a lot more out of those little stinkers if you play it cool!

This is just my opinion only but as you said blaming at this age is normal so is lying, to some extent, to stay out of trouble. As you have 2 this age to deal with and not 1 as I did, this may not work for you. But when my daughter was in this cycle of behavior I would as calmly as possible deal with the situation, spilled juice, broken item, and just asked what happened. What ever her answer was I would comment on how sometimes accidents happen, that I still loved her and that mommy just needed to know what happened so that I could help her not have this problem anymore. As she attends Bible class regularly and knows many of the Old Testament lessons where the people were punished/killed when they did not obey God's commands, I didn't feel like now was the time to label this behavior as lying. The one time my husband used the term she fell apart as she knew what happened to the people who lied in the Bible. After awhile of just calmly dealing with the situation, it wasn't long before the problem resolved itself on its own. I know many people who did/do not like the way I handled the situation and insisted that 3 was not to early to label "lying" and to just punish her until she stopped, but that just didn't work for us. Now, at almost 5, when I asked what happened she tells me, even if she was the one that did something wrong. You just have to find what works for you, and if what you are doing now doesn't, try something else and eventually you will find what works for you and your family! Good luck!

I have a few book referrals for you as well
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children
Siblings Without Rivalry
Help! They're At It Again

I've read the first two and am working on the second two. Really like what I'm reading. Of these four I would say Lib Parents could be the last to be read - the others have more practical application.

HTH
K. H, mama to
Catherine, 4yrs
Samuel, 1yr

I watched an episode very simalar to this on cafe moms. The expert there suggested to put multiples in time out in seperate rooms for a few minutes, she suggested 15 min rather than the usual one min per age. Also, she said don't start the time until both twins are calm and acting right. She agreed with you, until they can fess up to whoever did what they should both go to time out. This also shows them that they can't tag team mom, you are always in control and they will be seperated.