How Do I Discipline an Imaginary Friend?

Stress that because she witnessed her "friend" destroying things and didn't stop her, she will need to be punished as well. For instance, if you do time-outs, she gets a time out, as does the imaginary friend - in seperate rooms.

my son also had a imaginary friend, you need to sit her down and talk to her and tell her when the friend does naughty things then they will both be punished for what the imaginary friend does. Trust me things will happen less and less.

Good Morning,

My oldest Granddaughter also has an imaginary friend that gets into trouble, My Daughter has started disciplining the "friend just as she does my Granddaughter. For example the friend gets time outs etc, My daughter also talks directly to the "friend when she is in trouble. She asks my Granddaughter where the friend is now and then proceeds to talk to the area that has been pointed out. She has also told the friend directly that if the bad behavior continues the friend would not be welcome but if the friend was good the friend could come and play when ever the friend wanted to. This has worked, when the "friend" did something wrong following this conversation the friend was not allowed to visit for 1 week (marked off on the calendar for my Granddaughter to see). There seems to be a lot less problems from the "friend" that there used to be.

I hope this helps
S.

I know this sounds crazy but maybe you should think of your daughter's "friend" as a real person. Maybe you should ask your daughter how her "friend" should be disciplined when she does something naughty. Then ask her if she was to do the same naughty thing as her "friend" what type of discipline would and should she be receiving from you. Your daughter is at an age where she is starting to test her boundaries, actions and limits with you. Do you have a plan regarding these three items in your home? Does your daughter understand what they are? Does your daughter understand what is expected of her? She is old enough to understand these things. Does your daughter understand that if she does something wrong that there will be a consequence? Do you follow through with the guild lines which you have set up in your home? I can tell that your daughter is one smart cookie!! Right now she thinks she is in charge. It's time to turn the table on her. Also, you might let her know that if her "friend" is doing something wrong and she is not stopping her that you feel she is just as much to blame. Let her know that if she continues to allow her "friend" to be naughty that she will be the one receiving the discipline because of the actions of her "friend" and because she (your daughter) knows the difference between right and wrong. Tell your daughter that it is her job, responsibility, to make sure that her friends follow the rules which have been set up in your home. Ask her if she feels her "friend" would want her getting into trouble for something which she did not do. Then flip it around and ask her if she would want to be in trouble for something that her friend did? There are four core values which you might want to start teaching your daughter. They are respect, responsibility, caring and honesty. These are values which she needs to understand. They are also values which will help her once she starts school and with the rest of her life. These are the exact four things which she is not doing with you. I know you can turn this situation around. Remember to stay calm and cool when you're dealing with her. I wish you all the best.

I wouldn't necessarily discipline the imaginary friend so much as I would try to reward the imaginary friend for some created good things she has done. Perhaps a little reverse psychology. For instance, you could say, "Wow! Your room is clean--your friend must have done it! I would like to give her ___________ (your choice of reward). How nice she helped you. " If your daughter asks about her reward, say, well it is only for the friend. Maybe the imaginary friend will go away. You are in a sticky situation. You don't want to dampen imagination, but you also don't want imagination getting out of hand. Accentuate the positive. We try that at school, too.

Hi J....I don't really have any advice for you..but does your daughter watch Charlie and Lola? On the cartoon, Lola has an imaginary friend named Soren Lorenson who always "does naughty things" when it is really Lola. Maybe she is getting it from there? And if she is...maybe watch it with her and see how the episodes pan out...the truth is always revealed. It might be a good example-setter for her. Good luck!

My daughter J., when she was 3, had an imaginary friend she called "the other J." And whenever something naughty had been done, J. would tell me that the other J. did it. So one day I got creative and told her the other J. had to have a time out. So we had the other J. sit in the time out chair, and J. (the real J.) had to sit next to the chair and make sure the other J. didn't get up. After a few times of that, the other J. wasn't so naughty anymore! hope this helps :)

Maybe you could tell her that because you are not able to talk to her friend that your daughter has to discipline the imaginary friend. Explain that if she is not successful and the imaginary friend does not follow through that you will have to punish your daughter because she is the responsible for having people over and she will have to suffer for it. It is kind of like having a party and your friends break your parents fine china. Who is responsible and gets in trouble??? You do and then you do not like it so it is up to you to tell your friends to behave when they come over.

I use Janna's approach with my older kids (even teen) and their real friends. Our kids know the rules and it's their responsibility to correct their friends who push the limits, or they are the ones in trouble. I would often have to tell my older kids that if their younger sibling shows negative behavior known to be learned from them/their poor example, they will also take the punishment for the younger sibling. Work out your own wording to associate a similar approach with an imaginary friend, but allow her to play pretend while accepting responsibility for her "friend's behavior", if not her own. Hopefully she'll grow out of it when she starts school.

I would try an approach that explains to her that she is responsible for her imaginary friend when she is her guest-as a result she'll have to share in the punishent remember being party to a crime is just as naughty as being part of the crime...

First I'd better warn you that if Nicole is right, then I am evil, because I've actually encouraged my kids to have imaginary friends. ;P

Then, I've got to say this is actually a great opportunity to teach another lesson about responsibility. There are going to be many times when you WON'T know the truth about what happened. Now is the time to teach your daughter that she is responsible for what she lets happen as well as what she does herself, and that lying won't get her out of trouble Whether You Believe Her Or Not! Trust me, you don't want to get to the point where you can't punish her because you can't prove she's lying.

When she says the cat or the baby did it, discipline her for lying. When she says her imaginary friend did it, discipline her for not taking responsibility for her guests. She will probably realize it's actually the same thing, but you've given her an extra lesson as well as doubling the futility of lying to get out of trouble.

Have you tried giving them both a timeout??

I would punish them both. I'd punish the imaginary friend, but tell your daughter that she also has to have a time out, or whatever form of punishment you do, because she has to sit next to her imaginary friend to make sure her friend completes the punishment. That way she'll put two and two together and hopefully just stop the bad behavior.

When my daughter was 3, she loved the Wiggles. Jeff was her favorite and I had to pretend her Jeff doll was real all the time. I even had to feed him dinner and tuck him in bed every night. If only she knew that in real life he was older than I am! lol She outgrew it once she started kindergarten.

I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing up the imaginary friend. At this age, kids are learning how to interact with others and sometimes that includes doing so through an imaginary friend.

By acknowledging the imaginary friend, you are acknowledging your daughter's feelings.

Hi J.,

I am sorry that I don't have advice, but wanted to let you know your not alone. My son (4 1/2) has 3 imaginary friends "gege", "bumbum" and "johnson"....lol... We are not sure where he got these names, but they seem to do alot. He also blames the cat alot...which is really funny, since many things the cat couldn't even do - oh and she is usually by me sleeping on the cat tree anyway!!

I will have to read the advice that others have given...

Good Luck!!

One idea would be to tell your child that she can invite her 'friend' over, but if anything happens (writing on the walls, broken toys, etc) that your daughter will be punished, because she did not stop her 'friend' from damaging your/her property. At 4 1/2 a child knows what is right and what is wrong, and by this time, they should be standing up to friends when they are doing things that are wrong.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

I don't know what you think about this, but I would suggest believing her that she does have an imaginary friend and then hold her accountable to teaching the imaginary friend the right way to do things. I think saying that you would say this to her friend yourself, but the friend keeps showing up when you aren't around. I would encourage telling her that this is especially an important skil because she is a big sister and will need to be able to teach her younger brother the right things to do as well.

I hope this helps!

J.,
My kids both have/had imaginary friends, too.
I always tell my children if their "friend" does something naughty, that they (the child) AND the "friend" will get in trouble. Then I make sure to disipline them both. They figured it out pretty quickly...
:-)
T.

My son has had 2 different Imaginary friends in his 4 years. LOL. Probably because the first one did not get away with stuff. He decided to try a second. LOL. We actually have taken it as far as He is supposed to be a good friend and keep his Friends from destroying our property and because he didn't then he needed to tell his friend to leave and be punished. We give him the same punishment as if he did it himself. Whether he lies or not. He quickly learned then that he was not gonna get away with blaming his friends. He then turned to blaming his baby sister who could not even roll over yet. We did the same thing. Except for him telling her to leave. I pretty much told him that if he felt his sister did "whatever it was" then he needed to stop her and because he didn't then he was punished. He then tried to blame his real friends and quickly learned that she could talk and told the truth so he was punished for both lieing and blaming his friends on top of whatever it was he did. I straight out ask his friend if she did it and she said no. It has been a struggle of teaching him not to lie but that is his age. Hopefully it will pass much quicker than my neighbors daughter. she is 5 and still blames her stuffed animals. They even went as far as getting rid of ALL her toys so she could not blame them. She still found someone else to blame. I think if you discipline them for Not stopping the Imaginary friend then that will get through there heads also that if they follow along with there friends into trouble then they will still get punished. If not it gives them the idea that it can be everyone elses fault and take not fault of there own.

Make your daughter responsible for her friend's actions and tell her that if she lets her friend do naughty things in the house that she will have to take responsibility. It doesn't matter if the friend is imaginary or not, she should not allow a friend to do naughty things in her house. If her friend continues to be naughty you will have to tell her imaginary mother and ask her to stop coming over if that doesn't work.

Please let us know what happens!
K.

It sounds like you're starting to believe this imaginary friend is real too! LOL. Thankfully, she's not. If she were, and I were you, I'd be calling her mother! I'd be making her paying for the damage and giver her an earful about her daughter being a bad influence on my kid!

Since reality says this isn't possible, you're going to have to get things back into perspective here. Plain and simple this person, I'll call "Zoe," isn't real, and if it were me I'd punish your daughter's actions without hesitation or delay. Her future integrity depends on it.

Somewhere along the line, it seems your very smart and imaginitive kid discovered that you're making allowances for "Zoe". In the past, it appears you didn't express strong enough to her you don't condone this behavior. Now she's having a ball "getting away" with stuff she clearly knows is bad. She's testing limits and seeing how far you're going to let her go. This is a form of lying, and your letting her continue to blame "Zoe" is facillitating that lying, further reinforcing that it's 'okay' to not take responsibility for one's actions.

I'm certain this isn't what you want. Unfortunately, a precedent has been set, and now you'll have to end this behavior, and I'd say immediately. Afterall, today it's "Zoe", in 10 years it'll be a real person. You know, a mother's worst nightmare; the bad, hormonal, 16-year-old boy down the street, encouraging her to lie/make up stories about the joints and spraypaint in her bookbag and the "reason" she was picked up for graffitti and truancy.

Extreme example I know. All I can say is you don't want this to become habit, don't let this snowball. You are forming her values and sense of ethics now. This seems innocent enough, but play is how children learn. We as parents have to direct that play appropriately.

In the future, I'd confront her. I'd tell her her story is hooey, and that you and she both know "Zoe" is not real, but the damage and what she did to the house (or whatever the issue at hand is) is real. Then explain that when she makes up stories or blames a pretend person like "Zoe" for her bad actions, she's lying, and you don't like dishonesty and won't tolerate dishonesty.

Furthermore, tell her she will be punished for this behavior, and then immediately follow through appropiately ie. make her clean the walls, take away a favorite toy, or no t.v. for example. She needs to know and understand you mean business and that what she did is serious business.

Lastly, tell her you sent the idea of "Zoe" packing last night, and that she nor any imaginary friend will be coming back. Or, you can say "Zoe" nor any imaginary buddy who exhibits criminal behavior, is not welcome because you don't tolerate liars and people who disespect your rules and house. Reality is in order. Make her accept that she can't invent people or situations to get out of stuff. Tell her a cautionary tale like Pinocchio or The boy who cried wolf to reinforce. Or share a true story if you have one. The key is to enforce responsibility, and punish her appropriately and immediately so she gets the message.

If you're wondering if you're squelching her creativity by disallowing imaginary friends, IMO you're not. I don't think there is anything creative about an imaginary buddy that facilitates bad behavior. Bad behavior begets more bad behavior.

Perhaps get her a new pretend "buddy" such as some dolls (The Only Hearts Club and Groovy Girl dolls are wholesome) if she wants to pretend play creatively. Or better yet find her a real person in history with qualities and virtues you admire and encourage her want to learn more about this positive role model by reading books about this person to your daughter. Go to museums, or the library to learn more about that person and then make costumes, jewlery, pictures, posters or food associated with that person as a creative alternative.

Read: Raising your Spirited Child. Spirited children are smarter than we are (15% of them fall into this category) and require a new approach.

Your daughter is undoubtedly responding in part to her new baby brother getting the attention she wants while at the same time protesting against the methods you have been using for "discipline". Believe me, no amount of contemporary discipline works with a spirited child. They are smart enough to know that there are other ways to communicate with them and they hold out for this possibility.

Read the book and enjoy her imaginary friend. That friend can be directed to do good things too... you just need to learn the tools to help her to make this transition.

Lots of children have imaginary friends that they use to get away with all sorts of things. I would discipline both of them together. Tell your daughter that since she didn't tell her what she was doing was wrong she is also in trouble. Make them clean it up then sit in the corner or take something away. This works for my son and his real friend. I tell my son that if his friend does something wrong and he doesn't come and tell me right away both of them are in trouble!! Hopefully it will work for imaginary ones too!

My daughter had imaginery friends and animals too it was hilarious at the time and I just went along with it and never doubted her.

For your daughter I would say well since your in charge of so and so(imaginery friend) you can both have a time out or whatever the punishment is. Scold your daughter and then ask where the friend is and scold the friend too. Say I'm very disappointed in the both of you. Make your daughter respsonsible for the friends actions.

J.; i am a mom of 3 boys, our children had imaginary freinds too, and i guess if they are real to the child then to go along with reality, in this case, i would not allow her to play with her freind if its a naughty freind, you would do this in real life, so you ask her is she playing with her frind now? if so, you cant play now, if you are gonna play with naughty freinds then she cant have them over like you said to her, i know one mom who accidentally killed the imaginary freind, and this was real to her son, he cried for days, she did not know he was behind the son when she let him through the slider door and it slammed right on him and killed him, the boy was distrought, as if it were real, what do you do,? my son had real freinds too, he had a snow leopard that he took everywhere, but we still have to exercise caution with imaginary freind, this snow leopard our son opened his jaws and wanted to put his head inside its mouth, hahahah i know sounds crazy, hahaha but we were like DONT DO THAT, hahaha he didnt, but it was real to him and we fed his imagination, they soon dissappear, or once you realize you cant play with them anymore, they are gone, we have had to take away an imaginary piano at church, it was making too much noise, ahahhaha crazy story i know, but they are kids and have great imaginations, its ok to take that away , treat it like you would any other kid who come over and yes your daughter will have to pay the penalty for letting her freind do naughty stuff, its ok, rules are rules , no matter who breaks them, D. s

How come children have "imaginary friends"? Nobody tells them about imaginary friends. So how does SO many children have imaginary friends? It's because they haven't been told yet not to believe in them. I believe that your daughter is seeing someone. But, they can't physical grab a marker and draw all over the wall. You just flat out say to your daughter I know that you did it, don't lie to me! And punish your daughter. I would let her have the "imaginary friend" as we all call it. I would encourage it! But I would put your foot down and tell your daughter that lying and putting the blame on the imaginary friend isn't going to work in this house anymore!

This has absolutely nothing to do with your daughter making the mess and blaming it on the friend but more about the friend.

This really is a true story.

I knew a kid that had an imaginary friend when she was little and when she was about four she quit talking about her. One night when her dad went to tuck her into bed he asked about the friend. Well he was told that she died. So he asked how she died and was told that she was cut up and hurt really bad and died. Well they lived next to an old country cemetery and the burial records for this cemetery are in their basement. One day he was going through some of them and ran across the name of the friend in the files. He read through it and lo and behold the little girl was killed at the age of four in a mowing machine accident. Kind of freaky I know but just maybe imaginary friends are not really as imaginary as we adults want to think.

I think that you would punish them both tell her it is not right for her friend to do it and for not telling you while her friend is doing it will get her in trouble too.

Hi J.-
taking away your daughters friend will only make her mad and act out more. she's right-the "friend" should be talked to in front of your daughter-you could even ask your daughter to help you tell her friend that this behavior is not ok in our house and why. Your daughter will still get the message, without feeling embarrassed, which is waht matters. Eventually, she will be able to admit her mistakes when she feels comfortable, and see's how you handle her "friend" with care.
M., therapist

I think this would be a good time to introduce....guilty with association! I know she is too young to understand but like shoplifting....if you are with friends who shoplift you are guilty for just being with them. Try and sit down and tell her that she is responsible for her "friends" actions while the "friend" is in your home. GOOD LUCK!

This is a fantastic opportunity for you to teach your daughter some very important things:

1.) If you do something wrong, you must pay the penalty.
2.) You must choose your "friends" wisely because if you hang out with the wrong people, you can get into trouble too.
3.) If you lie, and place the blame on someone else's shoulders, you may find that you won't have a friend anymore.

I would suggest punishing your daughter AND her immaginary friend. Make them both sit in the corner. Banish them from the t.v. or something else that would be able for your daughter to easily imagine her and her "friend" doing together. Neither of them get ice-cream after dinner, etc.

Good luck!

J.,

My oldest tried this, too. His name was JD and he got my daughter into all sorts of mischief. :) First of all, imaginary friends are known to be imaginary by your child. Your child knows she made the mess - and so do you - whether she fesses up or not. Punish them both. If the imaginary friend isn't around, too bad. Your daughter will have to go to time out and clean the wall by herself.

Let her play out the imaginary friend as long as she wants to, but not so as it makes your life difficult. Example: My girl's imaginary friend was allowed to sit at the table for dinner, but he had to eat off my daughter's plate and share a seat with her. (She wanted me to fix him his own dinner in his own seat.) Make sure that she is instigating everything. Don't be the one to bring up the imaginary friend or add him to situations, she does that.

It will probably be a year or so and the imaginary friend will go and never come back. Some say it is the sign of a bright or creative mind, so it is nothing to be worried about. If she is using the friend to lie about doing something, let her know that you know that they did it together and that she never gets out of a consequence by blaming her friend.

Good luck,
S.

Hi J., my daughter is almost 4, so I gave your situation some thought as to what I would do if it were me in your situation. Of course I would continue to encourage her imagination, and if her "imaginary friend" and her are playing together and they get in trouble, they should both be punished. I would set up 2 time out chairs, and they each would sit in them for the time deemed necessary for the crime. After the time out is completed, I would have my daughter and her "friend" clean it up together. Over time, the imaginary friend will go away. I hope this helps! Good luck!

Dear J.,

Children are very smart, she is going to keep having an imaginary friend as long as it works. It seems that you are going along with her, so she is going to use this excuse to get by with the things she knows she is going to get in big trouble for. I always told my children that even though they may not have done anything wrong that if they are in the wrong place at the wrong time they will also have to pay the price just for being there, so to choose their friends well. You could also do this with an imaginary friend...your daughter was there, so therefore she will get the same punishment as the imaginary friend.

Your daughter saying that the imaginary friend did these things is a phase of lying, and you don't want to condone this...lying becomes a habit, especially if children see it working to their benefit.

Good Luck!!!

C.

Your daughter will not give up her imaginary friend until she is ready to give her up no matter what you say or do. You just take it to the limit. Just continue to make her responsible for whatever the friend does. One of these days the friend will not be there.

This is a hard one. If it were me in your situation I would tell her she can't invite this "friend" over anymore. If she does and her "friend " continues to do bad things she (my daughter) is going to be punished, because she was told not to have the "friend" over anymore. Make sure she knows she is responsible for everything her "friend" does. Good luck