Parents Separating Affecting the Children

A.,
Honestly, you can't break it lightly. It is best to go ahead & let the kids know that Daddy is moving out & let them start to come to terms with it. You can't hide the fact & it is WAY more traumatic to drag it out & possible give hope for something that isn't going to happen. I am from a broken home & things were kind of kept from me. It was horrible and it took me a very long time to learn to deal with it.
Kids are smart & they have coping skills that would amaze you!! Good luck!!

It sounds like your daughter is having a normal reaction to the turmoil in your life. If your husband has said it is over (and he is not willing to work on a reconciliation) then he needs to leave...now! The sooner you can get into a new routine the better. Your daughter is reacting to being in limbo. Not knowing what is going on is scary not just for the adult but for the children. She may be afraid to take her anger out on your husband for creating this situation so your son is the next closest male around. Seperation and/or divorce is rough so don't expect her to be chipper al the time. She is going to get "down" and you just need to give her the tools to handle it. There are some great books out there. If at all possible take time off from school to give more stability at home during this time and go back in the fall. Good luck.

A.,
If you must, I agree with books. FOR SURE. They (know from with my own)can be more open with their feelings even with you when something in the book relates to their feelings. I even used to use a stuffed animal with my 3 yr old for smaller things and she would "talk" to it while I "played" it. She would try to explain to the animal her feelings but not me. It helped both of us because I could be there not someone else. But for 8yrs old . BOOKS relating to the subject and age appropriate I believe are the BEST thing. OR even if there is someone close to your daughter who would find and read some to her??
K.

Hi A..
I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
About your husband: if HE thinks its over, why is he still at the house? Maybe he's not sure? Is there a den that can be converted or guest room that he could sleep on instead of the couch?

About your kids: I'm sorry that your DD is having a hard time. That's a tough age for kids and to add this on top... Does she have a diary? or a picture journal? These things can help her express her feelings. You could give both of them a journal and let them know that they can draw or write anything in it; but that you want to read it and that whatever they write or draw is okay.
M.

My girls were 8 and 6 when I was divorced. They do survive. Do you know anyone who is divorced with kids around your kids ages? Sometimes play dates with those in similar situations helps. Meanwhile, keep reassuring your kids that mommy and daddy still love them and will always love them. Tell them where they will live, with whom, when they will see daddy, where he will live, if he will have a place for them to sleep over if that is in the cards. The more specific information they have, the easier it will be for them to process this.

Loads of luck to all of you.

Well as DR Phil says"you owe it to your children, spouse and marriage to try everything before you split." Including counseling. I hope that you will try that.
AS for your daughter: just be sure to keep everything in her life consistent and normal as possible. DO NOT argue any more at all in front of her. Your spouse needs to agree to not argue in front of the children. To quote Dr. Phil again: "it changes who they are." And its so true. I have lived it. My daughter is different to this day because of hearing me and my husband argue in front of her. She remembers stuff about it from 7yrs ago. Its very sad that our arguing has put a negative footprint on her life. I think these things will help: make the kids feel comfy
make sure they know that nothing is their fault
keep things consistent
no arguing in front of them
present a united front even when you are mad at your spouse
try to give them a sense of security so they dont think their whole world will be blown apart in the event of a divorce.
Good luck. I hope this helps.

I hope her Dad is talking to her on a regular basis, as well. You both need to do little activities with each child that make them feel loved & special.

If Dad is sleeping on the sofa, he can sleep on the sofa anywhere and he needs to get out (of the house) now. Children, and most adults, hate "limbo". It is inexcusable that he would make such a statement and then just "camp". If he says it's finances; he should have thought of that first.

And, you need to get a backbone! You are not just waiting for him to make up his mind. You have children to think about, even if he wom't. Get him out now and start the rest of your life. From his new residence, he can start taking on some of the responsibilities that divorced Dads are suppose to do. Unless he has exceptional luck finding a new place to perch his hat, most of the activities can take place in the family home.

But, let's face it, you're going to have to slow down a bit. If things with the kids continue to go down with the kids and, sadly, they probably will, you may have to take a semester off. Believe me, it will all get done; you're probably going to live another 70 years. Happy, healthy kids are worth the investment.

Next. alert the teachers! There are lots of ways they can be helpful; check in with them on a regular basis. They'll let you know how the kids are doing socially, etc. Also, let both grandparents know. You might not want to draw the siblings in just yet, but grands may have ways of helping that you never realized. If they don't---or even if they do---do not let them take over. This is your crises; you absolutely have to handle it. But, decreasing the isolation will help the kids by providing other outlets for conversations. If you are a church-goer, tell your pastor. If you have clergy who hold a special place in your life, but you don't go now, tell that person.

On a daily basis, make meals a happy time. Don't overindulge the kids & don't let Dad. This really confuses kids. As far as your daughter & her brother's relationship goes: she is experiencing a "kick the dog" syndrome. Hopefully, you can get the idea just from the phrase. When we're angry, we hurt someone (or thing) to displace our anger. (Don't share the analogy with the kids, of course.) But, talk to her about feeling sad...not on the "fly". Lie down on her bed with her or in a favorite "hiding place", if she has one. Tell her, we (all) have to find a healthy place to put all the new & upsetting feelings. Then brainstorm by having examples like throwing a tennis ball against the house, planting a flower somewhere..beauty instead of ugliness, stacking stones in a corner, punching a punching bag, running laps around the block. If the neighborhood or the weather is severe, I'd give them a wall in the house & let them paint it whatever color they want, any time they feel hopeless, sad, angry, etc. Protect as much of the surrounding area, obviously. And, only one wall. Your daughter is reflecting your coping methods; she can't do any better than her most beloved mentor, So, you must do better. And, be prepared to change from "painting" to "running" to "throwing", etc. In the beginning, she may need you to lead the way, by example.

She needs to know that none of this means we love Dad any less; in fact, it could say how much we do love him by giving him what he seems to want. Do not underestimate the pain this is causing or you & they will live this the rest of their lives. But do no wallow. And, last, get counseling!! Now! Judith A, Nicholas RN, BSN, MS

Please make sure to get yourself and your children some conseling -- and a good lawyer. If your husband will go that would be great -- even if he goes just to help with the transition for the children. Talk to the counselor at your children's school -- they have been through this with others and will have a list of resources for you. The school may also offer a support group for your children.

Continue to reassure them that even if mommy and daddy have two homes, they will always be available for both children.

Hi A.,

Have you thought about going to mediation to settle this conflict that you are having. They have Family mediation in Norfolk on Virginian Avenue.

That way you can save yourselves alot of money by solving your difficulties yourselves instead of going through the red tape of divorce, etc.

It will help both of you to know where you stand with each other and that will then help the children to know what is going on in their home.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

Hi, A.!

The first thing you need to do is "draw a line in the sand." Tell your husband he has X # of days/weeks to find a place & GET OUT! Two weeks sounds good. Legally, you both cannot be "separated" and still live under the same roof. Then, get a good lawyer to draw up a fair and equitable separation agreement. Start the process. Make him see the reality of his actions! R U still doing his laundry? Don't. Cooking for him? Don't. Do NOTHING for him!

This will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, I am sure.

Your child is picking up the vibes of both of you. Children are very sensitive little creatures; no wonder her behavior is being affected! How old are your other kids? Don't think it's not affecting them, too, no matter how young.

Then let the healing begin for ALL of you. Get counseling if needed. Be as open with your kids as you can, without telling too many details. Explain very clearly that even though Mom & Dad don't love one another any more, that does not mean they don't love YOU (the kids). NEVER bad mouth their father, ever.

I know it's hard, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But it's the best thing you can do right now, trust me.

Good luck & God bless all of you,
Pam H.
Westminster, MD

Found a great article on this at babycenter.com

How to talk to your child about divorce
by Mary VanClay
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
< Back to web version
Highlights
What to expect at this age
How to talk about it
What kids ask ... What parents answer

What to expect at this age
For kids of any age, divorce raises big issues: shock, loss, uncertainty. But grade-schoolers often take on another set of burdens as well: feeling guilty, worrying about the welfare of one or both parents, worrying about money, worrying about how friends will react, feeling caught in the middle of parents who are — or might be — feuding. "Kids find themselves right in the middle of their own soap opera," says psychologist Anthony Wolf, in his book Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce and When Can I Get a Hamster? After the initial shock of the news has worn off, be prepared for a full range of reactions. Your child may act spiteful, uncooperative, depressed, or withdrawn. You'll need to be as empathetic as possible to help him get through this major transition.
How to talk about it
Tell him together. Ideally, parents should break the news about the divorce in tandem. Telling your child together avoids confusion — he'll hear only one version of the story — and conveys that it was a mutual decision, so he won't blame one parent for the split. According to Paul Coleman, psychologist and author of How to Say it to Your Kids, there's a more important reason as well: It helps preserve your child's sense of trust in both his parents. If it's not possible or practical to discuss the split as a pair, then the adult who has taken the primary parenting role — the one who makes the child feel safest — should handle this task.

Choose your timing. There are two things to consider when telling your child about an impending divorce. First, make sure the decision is final; he'll be in agony if you try to "prepare him" for a mere possibility by saying, "We're thinking about getting a divorce." Second, when you do decide to tell him, remember that the news will be a big shock, even if you and your spouse have been fighting for months. Your child needs time to let it sink in, and though there's never a "good" time, there are bad times: school days, right before you head off to work or he goes to soccer practice, or right before bed. "When he's suddenly feeling very unsafe and very alone, he'll need you to be there for him," says Wolf. Choose a moment when you'll be with him afterward.

Keep it simple. Don't assume your grade-schooler knows exactly what "divorced" means. A 6-year-old may need a definition that's short and straightforward: "Divorced means Mom and Dad won't live together anymore. But we'll always be your parents, and we'll always love you."

Be honest. Your child needs an explanation for why Mom and Dad won't be together anymore. Without one, your child is likely to blame himself for the divorce, and he may come up with reasons you might never have dreamed of: "Dad got mad because I kept losing my allowance money," "Mom left because I talked back to her," or, "They argued all the time about what my punishments should be — it's all my fault." Your child needs a real reason instead. But he's not ready for all the details, such as "Mom's been fooling around," or "Dad's having a mid-life crisis." You can say, "We weren't happy living together, even though we tried really hard to make things work out. We think it will be better if we aren't together and fighting all the time."

Don't blame your ex. Do all you can to avoid demonizing your former partner in front of your child, even if you are hurt and angry over the breakup. Your child doesn't see the situation the same way you do - she just wants you both to be with her, and she'll be hurt and confused if she hears one of her beloved parents criticizing the other. And remember, she can hear you even when you're not talking to her. Negative comments overheard when you're on the phone with a friend or your attorney can be just as damaging as if you had made them to your child.

Be empathetic. All children grieve over divorce — some openly, some quietly. Give your child a chance to talk by saying, "You feel bad about the divorce, don't you?" Whether he opens up or not, it's good for him to know you understand how he feels. Use empathetic responses even when your child attacks you or your ex with comments like, "Dad's a jerk. It's all his fault," or "You're so mean, of course he left," or "My life was great until the divorce." He's angry, and the easiest way for him to react is to blame someone — often you. Although it can be hard, try not to attack back. Saying something like "I know the divorce has been hard for you" acknowledges that he's having a rough time, and that understanding is what he really needs.

Discuss it often. Be prepared to go over the same questions again and again, for weeks or even months. Divorce is difficult for children to understand and accept, and many harbor strong fantasies that their parents will reunite one day.
What kids ask ... What parents answer
"Why are you getting divorced?" At this age, your child may be able to talk more fully about his feelings, and you can help by discussing emotions as you answer his questions. "Divorce is sad — nobody wants to split up a family. But Mom and Dad don't get along anymore. Grownups sometimes change from when they got married. It wasn't because of you or anything you did. Parents never stop loving their kids, and we'll never stop loving you." It's best to emphasize that the divorce was a mutual decision, but if it's obvious that one parent initiated the breakup, an older child might be ready to hear "Mom/Dad decided to make a fresh start."

I really miss Mom/Dad." Even if you're relieved that your marriage is over, your child probably is not (unless your partner was very abusive). Let him vent his sadness. Sympathize and remind him about the arrangements for seeing the absent parent. "I know you miss Dad, and he misses you too. Even though you don't always see him, you can call him every day. Remember, Dad isn't far away. You have your own bedroom at his house, and you'll see him every week. And we'll both come to your piano recital and the school play." Depending on your child's relationship with your ex's family, he may also need reassurance on questions like, "Will I still see Grandma and Grandpa? Can I still go to baseball games with Uncle Bill?"

"Who's going to take me to school?" At this age, your child will also be worried about the divorce's impact on his daily life: "Will I still go to my same school? Who gets the dog? Who's going to take me to piano lessons?" They may sound trivial to you, but they're very real concerns for him, so go over the details: "You'll still live here in our house with me. At Dad's/Mom's new house, you'll also have your own bedroom for when you visit." Some children this age may start to worry about whether finances will become a problem — and sometimes they are. Reassure him that you have enough money to live, and though there might be a moratorium on buying new video games, he will have everything he needs.

"Is it okay if you and Dad don't come to our soccer team's playoffs? It's not such a big deal." Grade-schoolers, especially slightly older ones, are sensitive to their parents' perceived feelings, and they worry about being in the middle of what could be a bad scene. They may also just be angry with both parents. Sometimes it's hard to tell what your child is really concerned about; he may worry that you'll be sad or angry at a public function, or that he'll have trouble dividing his attention between two feuding parents. Try to figure out what he's really thinking by gently asking, "Are you feeling upset with Mom and Dad? Or do you just want some time alone with Dad after the big game? That's okay with me. I know he's the one who helped you most with your soccer playing. But if you're afraid that Dad and I will get into a fight at the game, don't worry — we wouldn't do that. We're both happy just to be there watching you play."

"Do you still love me?" Your grade-schooler needs to know that both his parents still love him, and that the divorce wasn't his fault. The lurking question — which even your child may not recognize — is, "Are you going to leave, too?" It's logical for him to think that if one parent can leave, maybe the other can, also. Plus, being separated from a parent, even for short periods of time, is an inevitable reality of shared custody arrangements. Be ready to reassure your child that even though he may be sleeping at Dad's this weekend, Mom is at home waiting for him. Tell him as often as he needs to hear it: " Dad and I will always love you, and we'll always be here to take care of you."

When my parents separated I was 15 and my mom left my dad but had no where to go. We stayed with my dad for a few months until moving from VA to CA to live with my uncle. We HAD to stay, my mom was being the bravest woman in the world. She was leaving her husband of 20 years, having never had a job she qualified for nothing and didn't know where to go. My Uncle was moving from Hawaii and offered us a place when he got to CA, so we waited. That was the hardest part for me. I just wanted to get out and start over again. If your Husband wants a divorce then he needs to leave. Your daughter will benefit most from getting into a new routine with which ever parent she will live with. For me I was leaving with my mom, for your daughter it sounds as if staying with mom may be her choice. I understand you don't want to be the "bad guy" and "make" daddy leave but maybe a discussion in the lawyers office so the kids don't overhear and everything is legal is the best option. Hotels aren't that expensive until he can get an apartment.
S.

Counseling is a good thing for kids when their parents are going through. she may not open up to you or your husband. i had the same problem with my daughter when i left her dad. she became very depressed and she blamed me for everything. i took her to a christian counselor and she was able to express herself and get some things off her chest. i also went to counseling so i could help myself and help my child. i realized that i needed some healing as well.

Hi A.,

My advice would be to be honest with her. This is a big trust builder. She knows there are problems but you are keeping them from her. If you want her to talk to you, then you need to talk to her too. Let her know your "feelings" too. It's ok to be sad, for both of you. It probably confuses her to see everyone so sad, yet pretending that everything is ok. Don't feel like you need to protect them, because they know something is not right. Let your husband witness what he is destroying instead of you dealing with it all once he is gone. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

J.

The Oprah Web site is a great source of information. Here is some I pulled for you (and me). I watched this episode when it came out. If you search on the Oprah site you will find other resources. Just this week I decided to divorce my husband so I'll be reading and learning all I can too. My kids are 3 (daughter) and 5 months (son).

Learn more about the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program at www.sandcastlesprogram.com.

M. Gary Neuman's book is Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way.

M. Gary Neuman's Sandcastles Program Workbook is available for children ages 6-17.

She's old enough to be told some of what's going on; the worst thing is letting her guess and worry and pretending nothing is wrong. She may want desperately to talk about it, but if you're pretending, she's getting the message that it's not up for discussing. You can't go along like life isn't going to change, it is, and if she knows what's happening she'll do better than having it be like a hit to the heart. You both need to sit down together with the kids and let them know they're loved, it's nothing to do with them, and they can talk to you about how they feel. The 5 year old may have no reaction, 5's think magically, but your daughter may have questions; if you don't know the answer, or the answer is we're figuring that out, then say so. Good luck.

A.-

Get the book Dinosaur's divorce, it's pretty helfpul for children. Also, at your local library, usually in the children's area, there is a binder or something like that with books under specific topics. I'm sure there are other books geared towards children to address the issue. If you don't see it, ask the librarian for help. Dinosaur's divorce is the only one I've used with clients (I'm a social worker) and children seem to understand it better than you talking to them.