Opinions Please...

I Think that having sex brings a couple togeather, I don't think it's reqired but i do think that we need to think of their needs to. We might need to cuddle, talk or even get a back rub, they on the other hand need sex. I'm not going to lie some times it's even fun to come up with new way or new places to make it enjoyable for you. I'm not say to jump on top of him at this moment, just consider it to be one need he has as a man.

Your husband is wrong, just like everybody else said.

Check into getting insurance through school, or going to the student health services if there is one. They can provide the care that you need. There may also be city or state agencies that provide inexpensive health care options.

You probably should look into mental health care as well, your husband is hurting your seld esteem, and probably that of your children. Again there are agencies that can help. You should look into it and go even if he is unwilling to participate.

While you are evaluation options take a look at all of them. Maybe you have more than you think, and all of them are worth a look. Getting your degree is a big deal, and it opens up even more possibilities.

Good luck!

That is the most ubsurd thing I've ever heard in my life! On one hand, yes, intimacy is a part of marriage, having siad that, you are not supposed to cater to your husbands every desire. His behavior makes me feel very angry, and defensive of you. My advice is to seek therapy from a qualified professional IMMEDIATELY. I don't know the details of your relationship, and it's none of my buisness, but I have seen the signs rather intimately myself. It's either get help, or get out. Please keep talking. We're all here for you. You're not alone.

Okay, you asked for opinions.. so here you go!

NO that is NOT really how it is and he needs a lesson in reality! Talk to your doctor and see if there is anything he/she can recommend. Also, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to get some counseling so you and your husband can improve your relationship and make it a healthy one. Sex should be an extension of love - not the reason for it.

I really urge you to look into counseling. If he won't go - you should. A demanding, controlling spouse is a bad combination and could become dangerous in the future.

Good luck and I'll be praying -
C.

Did you tell him to go jump off a bridge? I sure would have. What is he thinking? As a husband, part of his job is to SUPPORT YOU, especially when you are sick! I understand he has sexual needs, and I agree to a point that sex is vital to a marriage, but he needs to give you time! You are healing and dealing with a very big change in your body. I bet that your hormones are all out of whack...you can find other ways to satisfy him, if sex really doesn't interest you. He should not be left out in the cold, but he should not make you feel bad about how your body is dealing with a hysterectomy. Why won't he allow you to change your meds? DOes he understand that changing your meds might help you feel desirious again? I wish I had better advice. I just had to respond because I really wanted to tell you that it is NOT your fault! Hang in there!

T.,
That statement from your husband reminds me of a verse in the Bible. :) The fact is, no, you are not there just for his desires. That having been said, it doesn't do anyone any good to be consumed with yourself and not consider the other... that goes for both individuals in the marriage. He's expecting it to be in his "favor" both ways. That's not marriage. He's somehow forgotten (or maybe he never understood?) that it's a partnership of equals. Yes, you have different strengths, yes, you are a mother and he's the breadwinner, yes, there are things he can do that you can't, and vice versa! It's the differences that make it work... as long as one is not selfish and expecting to take take take and not give back. The marriages that work the best (of what I've seen) are the ones where BOTH partners are more concerned about the others needs more than their own. If he wants all of you, he needs to give you the chance to get that medication changed. GOOD LUCK in helping him understand!!! I wish I could give you some advice on that, other than to keep explaining it, maybe he'll eventually get it. :)

The year is 2008. Are you kidding me! If he is not willing to help you regain your desire after having twins and maintain more than most people can handle it doesn't sound to me that you are the one with the problem. If he wants things to be centered around him then it is his responsability to make you happy and give you some incentive to being a sexual plaything.

In my opinion a wife is not just there to be a slave to her husband. Perhaps some marriage counseling??? It takes two to make a marriage, it's give and take on both sides and respect. It's not about being in control, or who can do what for the other.
Good luck with your degree, and I hope you can both find a middle ground where you both can respect one another and your feelings.

I'm so sorry....this is a very hard situation. Men (especially controlling men) seem to think we are at their beck and call. And men have no idea what it means when you say that you just have no desire. For them, sex is much different and NOT on an emotional level, which most of the time for is what is responsible for us 'not wanting to.'
I had a similar situation with my husband, no hysterectomy but emotional distance, and not wanting to have sex. He felt that I should want to, no matter what...and the pressure only made it worse.
I'm sure your situation is mostly due to the hysterectomy, and with the proper meds, you'd probably be back to normal. I don't know how to make your husband understand he needs to provide you with the proper medications since your body isn't making those hormones in the proper amounts anymore.
I guess just tell him, that if it's your responsibility to give him sex, it's his responsibility to take care of your medical needs. To provide for his wife.
I'm trying really hard not to just dump on your hubby...but why do you stay? Living with a controlling man is awful....and most of the time, completely unfair.
I probably didn't help a lot..I'm sorry...but I hope you can work it out :(

Couple things..... Everyone seems to jump to the immediate conclusion that your husband is a horrible man! There has to be a reason you have been married for so long! Granted what he said cant be justified, but is this a normal thing or do you think his recent outburst is sexual frustration? How old are your twin girls...because that there is enough to TIRE you out right there! Well here is my answer to you sexual desire or lack there of... I myself was sexually abused as a child and I don't know if that was the cause of my lack luster libido in life or not, but at my last dr. appointment for other issues I told my doctor that I have never had a sex drive ever and if there was ANYTHING I COULD DO... At the time my baby was still nursing...so she told me that after I was done nursing I could go to Walmart or even the internet and buy something called MACA ROOT it is to help intensify desire and is like a vitamin..(in the section with fish oil, vitamins etc.) at walmart it is like $15 for 90 capsules. When I quit breast feeding I started taking this..Started Saturday night and by Sunday night I was darn near uncontrollable and my husband was quite happy with that! You are suppose to take 2 in morning and 2 at night but that for me was to much because I was desired all day!!!! I am now doing one in morning and 1 at night and it has helped me as well as my marriage tons! Good luck and if you have any questions just let me know!
Cin

Oh Sweetheart. I am so sorry. This makes me so mad. Marriage does not mean entitlement to sex. He must be sensitive. You may be his wife but you are a person. If he doesn't want to provide you with insurance that is a bigger problem than you may realize. Get yourself the help you need. If he won't pay for the insurance then let him pay the bill to help you. It will help with both of you on the sex issue but it still holds a greater implication. You also must realize this is his problem not yours. I understand the control issues. My husband has come a long way. I use to feel trapped. I finally snapped and got help. I only wish I would have earlier. It took a severe depression to get my husbands attention. Don't let it get that bad with you. Go to someone like a Bishop, Priest, or other Clergy to ask them to help. It is a great place to start. They can direct you to get the help you need. Don't fold under his demands it is not right. You are a very important person and can move through this. We have worked through it so I know it is possible. Things are still not perfect. I don't believe that is realistic. But they are sooo much better. I hope this helps. Once again, I am sorry you are facing this. Best of Luck and may God be with you.

Honestly... yes...men actually need physical intimacy to feel needed and loved in their marriage relationship. I have sex with my husband WAY more than when I 'feel like it'. He knows that, and knows I am doing it because I love him, and I don't just lie there, I enjoy it because I am making him happy-even if I don't 'have one' every time. BUT...he is not controlling and is considerate of my needs and feelings if I REALLY don't feel like it. My husband is a police officer and sees a pattern in men who are controlling who gradually turn abusive. I'm not saying your husband is abusive cause I don't know him and only you can be the judge of that...but I hope you are aware of the warning signs of that and protect yourself and your kids. If you don't see an abusive pattern, a GREAT book to read is 'the proper care and feeding of Husbands' by Dr. Laura. The title is misleading, it changed my perspective and gave me the power I needed to change our relationship...good luck and hang in there, every marriage has its ups and downs.

Wow T.

I feel for you and your situation. I can hear in your message that you are really struggling with this and that you really want help right now. I agree with what Rachel told you. It is important for each partner to think of the other's needs as more important than their own. That being said, I believe that there is probably so much more going on here and that what you have shared with us is a symptom of a much greater issue within your marriage. Am I right? It is kind of like putting chewing gum on a crack in the damn. Any advise given about this particular thing, is only going to stop the rupture temorarily. It is time to go to work and save your relationship for real.

Since it is a waste of energy and time to dwell on changing your husband, guess what? I suggest you work on you. This is what I did last year and it has made a big difference in every aspect of my life, including my relationship with my husband. I believe that now that I am healthier, emotionally, we can begin to work on OUR challenges. It always takes one brave soul to begin the journey. I encourage you to be brave and take that journey.

If you would like to know more about my journey, let me know. I believe that support is the most important thing we can acquire and I commend you for reaching out to get help. I admire you.

This may not be the opinion that you are seeking, and I am probably stepping out of bounds here, mark this as inappropriate if you would like, but I have really appreciated the advise I have gotten from all the moms involved with this web site. If you are currently attending the university here, they have a great counseling center that may be a resource to you and your husband. My attitude towards marriage is that it is a mutual partnership and you part serves more than mother/child bearer/sexual plaything as you put it. They may also be a resource to getting the help you need for getting back the drive you lost due to having to have that surgery. I also just want to say that it really must have been hard to have to do that at such a young age. You have a lot going for you, good luck!

hi T.,

I don't know the answer, but I know my sister had the same problem after her twins where born. Seems your husband needs to remember the other side of the marriage contract - loving you so much he wouldn't ask you to do something you are not ready for. Eating healthy and getting your omega three oils (fish, flax, avacados and walnuts) may help.
I will be praying for you,
K. Loidolt Author of Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living - teaching busy people how to eat healthier

My husband has always told me that sex is different for men than it is for women, meaning, men have to have it, they have to release all that that is built up, while women need cuddling and hand holding and talking, but not necessarily sex.
If it doesn't hurt you and it is just a matter of you not wanting to, I would suggest talking to your husband and maybe working out a plan, like if he pays attention to your ______. Or is he gives you a back rub, then you might be in the mood for sex. I don't think he needs to be an animal and pounce on you when ever he wants, but if he is being sweet and romantic and is trying his hardest, maybe you need to be willing to let him go.
If he likes when you moan, than moan for him, if he likes you to do something then do it. I notice if I am involved, it is more fun. Sometimes you might need to fake having a good time, for his sake.
We used to fight about sex and it was horrible! So don't let it turn into a power struggle.
Hope this helps.

WOW!!! I totally know where you are right now. Sex and childbearing are a PART of marriage, but not the whole kit and caboodle. I just read a book called His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley. It talks about a love bank and the different needs of men and women. Men need sex, women need companionship. If you get a chance, go get the book and read it and see if your husband will too. It helped my marriage tremendously when we both read it. Let him know, that when your body is back to normal, your sex life will be back to normal. See what he can do about the insurance, I guarantee if you tell him there is more of a chance for sex if he can get that changed and you on the right meds, he'll jump on it right away. Remember to do what is right for you medically first, then what is right for your marriage. God Bless and good luck with your degree....thats great!!!

Sorry to hear you had to have the hysterectomy so young. But I at least you can be thankful you've already had children. I hope your husband isn't too much of a control freak to ever become violent, because if that's the case I certainly wouldn't offer the following advice. I think for right now you just need to grin and bear it in the bedroom. Try your best to enjoy sex, even if its just for your husbands sake. It doesn't mean that you're just a toy or baby machine; it means you're willing to sacrifice a little to maintain marriage in hopes of it flourishing again. Sex IS a very important part of marriage-- not just for your husband's satisfaction, but yours too, and more importantly, for the TWO of you to remain ONE. Hopefully your enjoyment will come back in time.
It does sound like your hubby's being a bit too controling though, by using the insurance issue as leverage, etc. If he's becoming violent in any way--even just verbally or if you think he might be satisying his sexual appetite elsewhere, then you better look into professional help for your marital issues.

Hello T.,
I am a 49 year old mom with a 10 and 12 year old, have been married for 18 years. You are absolutely not obligated to have sex with your husband whenever he desires. I know by saying no this is probably making your life more difficult but you have to stay true to yourself. Can you and your husband work something out that maybe you have sex on a given day each week? I have friends who have tried this and it seems to work out okay. In a perfect world, woman would be as interested in sex as men but with taking care of children, home, you with school, etc., sex sort of sinks down to the bottom of the list. I know I am not alone in these thoughts. I hope there are plenty of other woman out there who will respond to your request and give you some input. Best of luck to you, M.

This is tough. It doesn't sound fair about the insurance, but since that's a sensitive subject with your husband, I would try taking a step back on the issue to relieve some tension. As for the sex, I think it is normal for women to experience a stage where their desire lessens to have sex, for whatever reason. You are certainly not just a "sexual plaything and childbearer"; however, when you are in a marriage, intimacy and having children are two things meant to bring joy. I have found that when I focus on the lack of desire for sex, that mentality increases and furthers inhibits any desires I have for intimacy. I'm sorry about your husband's attitude -- you need some appreciation and understanding from him. On the other hand, in a healthy marriage, neither the man or the woman should be deprived from enjoying physical intimacy. It shouldn't be used as a reward or a punishment; rather, we should be unselfish and giving to the other. I really hope you can work things out!

I would guess that your difficulties stem from a combination of your hormones not being in balance, which started the initial disinterest in sex, and then was compounded by your husbands reaction.
It is very difficult for men to separate their emotions from their sex drive. This results sometimes in our perception that all they want is the physical act and they don't really care about us as a person or about meeting our emotional needs. Women have an easier time expressing love, caring about our mates, and putting that in a totally separate box from having sex. I would guess that your husband loves you, is concerned about you, wants to be patient, but can't overcome his own sexual frustrations (the physical side) in order to help you through this. Try to see it more from the "guy" side and be sympathetic to the fact that he is experiencing real difficulty in this area, maybe it will help to heal the emotional hurt you are feeling. Are you able to express to him that you want to be physically close, that you wish you could meet his needs, but you just don't really understand why your body doesn't seem to cooperate? Keep trying to help him understand this division you are experiencing - that might help too.
Then work on the medical side of things. You probably really need to have your hormones analyzed and get a different prescription. I know this is difficult without insurance - can you look at getting the money together to pay for one visit out of pocket and see where it goes from there? Perhaps a natural remedy - I have had great success using a progesterone cream. They are available in most health stores or the health food section of some grocery stores. Just a small amount of cream rubbed into your thigh or other soft skin area once or twice a day has amazing results for some women. It will probably cost you $30 for a month's supply - but it would certainly be worth giving it a try for a month and see if you feel any increase in your sex drive. Once your sexual relationship is restored, you will find it much easier for your husband to really listen to your heart and be more tender and caring for you. This is not because he's a pig - it's just how most guys are wired.

No, no, no! It is not your wifely duty to give him sex whenever he desires it! If anything it is HIS husbandly duty to get you the help and medications you need.
Personally I would tell him to either get you on medical insurance so you can get the meds, or you were going to get them anyway and it would cost a lot more.
Good luck, sweetie!

You guys need some counseling. Would he be willing to go?

I had a complete hysterectomy at age 27 and with the hormones they put me on, it took several months to regain my interest in sex.
But you haven't even hit your stride girl, I was a crazy for sex woman from the age of 35 to 45 and my husband had no interest.
Unfortunately it evens out. LOL
If your are not on hormones then tell you doc you need to be.
It's a hell of a change for your body and the hormones help.
Good luck and, NO it is not a wife's duty to give a man sex whenever he wants it.
Tell him if that's true, then it's also true that a man should get a babysitter and send you for a spa day whenever you desire. That should shut him up.
This is not the 1920's or 30's for that matter. He needs to come into the 2000'nds and join the human race.
Anyway honey, good luck.

A marriage without intamcy wouldn't be much of a marriage, HOWEVER that said, it isn't your "job" to service him sexually and if there is something medical then you would hope the person you married would be there for you and more supportive. If you are not on insurance then how did you get a hysterectomy? Anyway, look up some information on the internet, forward it to him and maybe that will help encourage him to seek out medication for you if you feel you need that. I know for a fact men see that positive communication in marriage revolves around sex and when they do not get it they feel rejected and unloved. I can say I quit having sex with my now ex husband because I couldn't stand the way he made me feel and was verbally abusive. He could not for the life of him understand why that would cause me not to be attracted to him or feel close to him. We need love, communcation for affirmation of love, men need sex. I can say your marriage won't last without intamacy, but it comes in different forms and your husband needs to be more understanding.

I recently had a hysterectomy due to cancer. Sex is still a little painful. I am also on medications that decrease my desire. I have spoken with my husband about this, though, and he is supportive, but still wants the intimacy. We have set aside a "date night" each week where we both know it will usually end in sex. Thinking about it all day helps me get more in the mood. But it doesn't help with the pain. He just has to be careful and more gentile.

It almost sounds to me like your marriage has some problems and this is just your body's way of taking some of the control back. I wish you luck!

I'm sorry to hear about your hysterectomy. From what I understand, it's normal to go through big changes after that and loss of sexual desire is one of them.
I don't believe it's part of a wife's duty and if he wants it to be then he should get you the darn insurance.
I really don't know what to tell you, but I feel for you.
Congratulations on being so close to getting your degree!

A husband and wife relationship needs to be a two-way relationship, not just take and take. Sex is also an important part of marriage, but it should be enjoyable for both of you. Maybe you could explain to your husband that you would like to please him if you had the medical help and advice that you need. Do you get time to date? Your relationship is important, but each person needs to have their needs met, not just your husband's.

T., you already know the answer to this. And so does your husband. You probably also have some ideas on how best to handle the situation. Your feelings are valid, and hopefully have been validated by others on this site...Take comfort in knowing you are a beautiful wonderful woman and that you have the answers to your challenges in life inside of you. No one else can give you the perfect answer--but you will know what you need to do, just trust yourself.

There are plenty of low cost clinics around that will help you out, I think I would try one of them. I was in a similar situation and the low cost clinic found a brain tumor so it is worth a try. Good Luck. It is NOT your duty as a wife to please your husband, he should be there for you too. I got out and away from my controlling husband and we all have benefited. Best of Luck.

Sex is the ultimate gift of oneself to another -it is a gift NOT AN OBLIGATION even in marriage! When we begin to see it as an obligation we tend to forget the opportunity that we have as spouses to court, be aware of the spouses needs (in all areas of our lives), and appreciate the one we love. We also begin to treat each other as a toy or sexual plaything. At the same time sex should never be used as a way to get what we want and manipulating the spouse. You should also keep in mind your marriage that although you are not feeling the desire he is. It needs be a balance for both of you. You should be making an effort in considering his desires and feelings. As you both try to be more aware of each-others feelings and health things may be resolved in ways that will benefit and strengthen your marriage. Divorce makes ones life harder not easier and should always be a last resort AFTER much effort to work to achieve a better marriage.

It is so hard that your body is trying to recover from this, and your hormones aren't in balance yet. IT sounds like you have alot of things on your plate besides being a mom and that you really need to take care of you. I agree with you that women arent' a sex toy for whenever they want it. Would it be beneficial for you and your husband to see a counselor and talk about the issues that are there? When in a controling relationship, it is hard to want to have sex with that someone if you don't feel loved and respected. Sex to us(women) is more emotional than physical. Men tend to be more physcial and try to show their emotions in that physical way. I know how you feel after having two babies within two years, finishing school and my husband not really understanding what was going on with my body, the stress I was feeling, and him being a controlling person that I wasn't ready to go there. Good luck!

I don't know if you want your relationship to be better with your husband, or if this is coming from other problems you are having in your marriage. If you want to have some help with your sex drive, then I have found something that helps put the 'spice' back into sex! It is Xocai Healthy Chocolate! I know it is hard to believe, but it really does turn on the sex drive. I actually started taking it to help with severe chronic back pain from an injury I had, and it brought many more benefits than I ever expected! I have more energy and feel like doing things again. Our whole family is eating better and are physically healthier. And yes, the sex is much better than ever before! If you would like more information you can go to my website at www.ExcitedAboutHealthyChocolate.com. Best of luck!

T.,

NO that is not the duty of a wife. I too have endometriosis and am in the same situation that you are in (except the hysterectomy). It is a constint battle over sex and I too have been told by 2 dr.s that I just need to give in and do it. My added problems it that it hurts like hell for me, so there is an added reason I don't want to have sex.
I have gone to doctors and tried many many pill that are suppose to help. So far nothing has helped me.
I know there isn't any advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Sex is a part of marriage, but should never be one sided. Your husband is not right about your providing whenever he wants it. On the flip side, sometimes the best way to get in the mood is to have sex when you aren't feeling it. But make sure you don't "cave in" and resent him silently for doing so later. Keep communication open. About insurance, see if you could get on Medicaid if he absolutely refuses. But overall, it sounds like there is a lot more going on. You ultimately need to get down to the bottom of all your issues. I hope you can work it out. Good luck!

I feel for you. I also struggle with the lack of sexual desire and have all my married life. I have recently started going to a naturopath who is helping me with my hormones because a lot of regular doctors and OB's don't do anything about it, I have found. It seems to be helping. If you want more information about him, please email me at ____@____.com, I have been reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr. I would HIGHLY recommend it for you and your husband (if he will read it). It does talk about his need for sex, and her need for other things...if they work together, both will be happy. Good Luck! That's a hard thing to struggle with, (along with a controlling husband).

It is absolutely NOT your DUTY to be your husband's plaything. Marriage is not about lust, it is about love and respect. I would suggest that you insist on counseling, if he isn't already, because it sounds like your husband has some views about marriage and sex that really need to be changed.

Your husband needs to understand your feelings. It sounds to me like you may not want to have intimate moments with him because of other reasons? It also sounds like you are very busy yourself with school, children, etc. Maybe you should try and have a LONG talk and try to work things out/try to understand each other? Psychologists, I hear, are very helpful too. Putting each other's needs first is what makes a happy marriage. But, it is important for each one to feel that the other understands what you are going through too.

Hello T., You may be interested in reading, "Real Love," by Greg Baer. This book is all about issues in intimate relationships and sex is covered. Trust yourself. And, NO, he has no rights to your body! ~T.

If you don't have insurance, there is a medical clinic connected to Vineyard Boise that will see you. They are open on Wed. and Sat. mornings. I don't know much more than that, but you could call the church and they could probably answer your questions. They are specifically there for people who don't have insurance. They also have a wonderful counceling center that will try to meet you where you are. Hope this helps you find some answers. You are amazing to be taking on kids and collage at the same time! You go girl:)

Hi T.,

It sounds like there is a lot involved here and counciling may help. However, you mentioned endometriosis and a hysterectomy. I just read an excellent book called The Estrogen Alternative by Raquel Martin & Judi Gerstung D.C. There is a lot of great information that, I feel, all women should be aware of! You can check the book out at your local library.

D.

T.,
sounds like a lot is going on...some with hormones some not so easy to fix...

First...go to the doctor...you have the right to be in good health. If there is no insurance then dear hubby may just have to fork it over...such is the responsibility of life.
Now...
Lack of sex drive has a lot to do with hormones but sexual desire starts out side the bed room...from his attitued it wouldn't supprise me if you began to resent sexual contact.

feeling loved, appreciated, respected, even helped around the house all matter when it comes to sexual desire for a woman. You are not an object to be owned but a human being that deserves to be cherished. a Healthy marriage is one where both individuals seek the comfort of the other, it is not heavy handed or one sided...sex drives are seldom exactly the same, men usually have a much stonger one that women. There are times when i have sexual relations when i don't have the desire because I love my husband and do want to make him happy, but when i can't muster it..he would never force, demand or coerce because he loves me too. You may need more than an OBGYN you may well need some marraige counseling and at the very least some real communication where you are really heard. Good luck

Dear T.,

No, that is not how it really is suppose to be!!! There are so many issues here that are not even close to God's plan for men and women in marriage. We are never to USE anyone to satisfy our own personal desires. Objects are to be used, not people. People are to be cared for. This especially applies in marriage. To love someone is to desire what is best for the other even if that means we need to make sacrifices. People naturaly know that, that is why you are feeling the way you are. There is so much more I could write...my husband and I practice and teach Natural Family Planning and have studied God's plan for love and marriage. (And still have much to learn) It is so amazing and so beautiful, it is so sad that so many people don't understand it or have even heard of it. There are so many good books, if you would like to write me back and I will get a list together for you. Good job on you schooling! And congratulations on your children! Keep up the good work! :-)

God Bless,
C.

I think the control issue is the real question here. It is not your duty to please your husband's sexual appetite. You are partners and in that he should have a vested interest in your health. Because that is what your lack of desire is, a health issue. I hope he can see that. It sounds like you are a dedicated wife and mother but that is not all you are. You are as important as your husband therefor he must come to view you as his equal. I hope this helps...marriage is hard and takes work, best of luck to you.

I'm going to assume he's not the oaf he sounds like. You did marry him, after all. I think your husband didn't mean it the way it sounded. Perhaps he was trying to say that a male's sex drive is a genetic compulsion and if he doesn't get sex from you, he might be tempted to going looking for it somewhere else...and he doesn't want to do that.

It sounds like he's frustrated and asking for your help. It also sounds like he doesn't have a clue. I'm not a big fan of counseling, but it might help your situation. I'd definitely pick up one of the books others have mentioned and read it together. Let him know that you want to work through this - and that it's something you'll need to do together.

definitely get a sitter and have date night once a week. Sex is about closeness for women...and date night will help you a lot with that closeness.

I don't think he realizes he's doing exactly the opposite of what he needs to do to help kick-start your sex drive.

Sex, is a part of marriage, but it is a MUTUAL thing. I don't know if he's noticed (probably has considering the circumstances) that he can't have sex by himself! It is intended to bring the spouses closer and to grow their love for one another.. not to just feed the bodily appetites (though, that can happen sometimes, but shouldn't be the majority). I would go talk with your doctor, sometimes they can help you out if you don't have insurance. Wives are much more than childbearer and plaything!!! We are marvelous and handle and balance so much! If you are in any kind of abusive situation, seek some kind of help... you and your children will certainly be happier. Best of luck to you and hope this helps!

T., I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband. Along with what the other ladies are saying, Counseling if at all possible with your husband would be great. Also I am a 32 year old mom of 4 and had a partial hysterectomy one year ago. I had problems with endometriosis my entire marriage. I was able to keep my Uterus thanks to wonderful doctors who really took the time with me. I have had desire problems for quite some time (around 5 years) I finally found a doctor that tested my testosterone, it was almost non existent. I have been using supplements, and it has helped alot. My husband has been very patient with me also. It will take a little while to get over the pain issue from the endometriosis. Try and talk to your husband and be honest with him. Tell him what you need. It is not about pleasing him all the time, we need it to or we won't have any desire. Foreplay is the best for us!! Good luck and don't let ANYONE push you around!!!

This is a difficult time in your life and in your marriage. Since your husband won't help with the health insurance, then go to a reputable health food store near you and ask the more experienced staff there for direction. There are some natural alternatives to help you after having a hysterectomy. Tell them about your surgery. If you live in Colorado, try the Vitamin Cottage. About having no desire for sex - your desire will wax and wane as a woman for the rest of your life. Your body is certainly going through change as a result of your surgery. Very often our 'woman mind' finds reasons not to engage in sex....too tired, bored, kids, company, the past...there are lots of reasons women do not want or like sex from time to time. Husbands on the other hand, rarely don't want sex, in fact, daily sex would do them just fine. Many women have told you it's not your duty to have sex as your husband is desiring. In fact....it is...if you want a happy marriage....and, most of us do. I've read alot on this issue, and the bottom line is - be engaged frequently with your husband sexually and your marriage will be much better for it. In fact, his control issues could even lessen if you two had frequent sex. Not desiring it isn't a reason not to have sex. The library will have Dr. Laura's book...."The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Many women reject her teaching - they lose some really good insights into building a wonderful marriage by doing so. If you will be open minded reading this book, you will find your marriage improving, your attitude improving, your sex life improving, and you, T., will be happier, as will your husband and your kids.

Hay it sounds like you need help from a therapist. you
are very busy woman. I haven't had a hysterectomy, but
after my twin boys were born my body shut down for awhile,
And my husband stood by my side and didn't expect anything from me.We did a lot of talking he asked if he did anything wrong. But he never pushed me and It's wrong for a real man
to push.
I suffer from cyst of the overies and endometriosis to.
my best friend had the same thing and had hysterectomy and she had a hard time to. and If your husband can't understand he needs to check him self because, love is what a marriage is and support is what a marriage. and his job is to be there for you and help you threw it.And it could be your meds and not letting you get insurance is a bad thing you still need to be
seen by dr's from time to time and just because you can have kids or sex is not a real reason to keep you from being insured.But talking to a woman therapist will help.
I love mine. T. Riverdale UT wife and mother of twin boys

I cannot add much to what all the amazing women have already said to you here. I echo their concerns and their advice wholeheartedly. As they said, I do not believe your primary issue is post-hysterectomy hormone problems and lack of sex drive.

However, just to address that specific issue, I have one new suggestion -- I suspect your husband wasn't really involved with the entire process of your having surgery, ie. advance doc appts., preop, postop, etc. Find a way to have your husband attend one of your follow-up appointments with you. Talk to your doctor in advance about your husband not understanding your health/hormone problems and ask him/her to take time to explain in detail what happens to a womans body after a hyster., what to expect in terms of healing, what is required for proper healing, etc. Not as a lecture to your husband (that would surely make him angry), but have him/her address the issue as for your benefit and understanding, too.

I'm not sure what kind of post visits you have with your insurance situation, but unfortunately sometimes men just need to hear the facts from someone besides their spouses.

Again, I know this hormone adjustment is minor compared to your larger communication problems. But please believe that both issues can be resovled with time, mutual effort and compromise on both parts. Regardless of your situation, Choose Happiness! That alone will make you feel a bit better. Peace to you.

Uh, no! You have the choice to make your own decisions! He is hurting and controlling you more by not paying for health insurance and disregarding your health problems. Your health is key here, which should come first if he wants any action!

write to Dr. Laura Schlessinger and hear what she has to say about it.

my first reaction is that your husband needs counseling. it is also clear that he has not done much research on your illnesses to understand what you are going through, otherwise he might be more compassionate. but since you said your husband has control issues, it sounds to me like this has been going on a long time. i'm sorry. from my experience you have to wait for a person like that to decide on their own when it's time for counseling, otherwise it'll be a waste of time and money. but in the mean time, you can get counseling yourself (if there is no insurance or government aid you qualify for, try your church) and learn how to better handle a person you love who hurts you and how to get your needs taken care of when that person isn't doing it. i have endo too, so i understand some of the frustration and anger you may be feeling from that as well which permeates everything. for years i've struggled with some of my husband's hurtful and seemingly selfish behaviors, even gave him an ultimatum if he wouldn't go to marriage counseling because i'd reached a limit. he agreed to it to keep his family, but it didn't accomplish a lot because anger can blind a person to their own faults. so finally many prayers later, one day he did something and finally got a clue that he was behaving like his abusive father (something his mother and i had been telling him for a long time) and he wanted to get help for himself. we're seeing a counselor again, but it's different this time because he wants to change. i will pray for you and your family. i know that these things can improve. and with the sex thing, he may be frustrated and scared about a lot of things (including your health) and looking to sex for some relief. but no, that doesn't mean you have to compromise yourself for it because there are other non-sexual ways he can find stress relief. and if he will do something else about it (a hobby or sport or counseling) it will take the pressure off you long enough for you to want to have sex with him again.

Oh, you have my attention and understanding too. I had the same surgery not knowing it would basically make me feel like a drone. I loved my husband who didn't understand either. He got things from the doctor for himself that made my plight much worse.

I'm not a head doctor but I was raised that intimacy comes out of love, not a duty. It's a part of you that you give and it should not be taken from someone. We need to be allowed to be ourselves, to feel peace and joy throughout our lives.

It would be nice if he understood even by a medical point of view that the hysterectomy basically does indeed remove what gives you your sex drive.

I wish you well and hope that you can get things worked out here. You surly deserve to be happy in life and feel content with your body and it's changes. It's not so easy sometimes so hang in there.

I don't think that women are just sex toys. But at the same time your husband does have some sexual needs that need to be met. I think that you DON'T have to say yes every time he has the desire but there are times where he needs that relief and attention.

No, women are certainly not just a sexual plaything for men, but understand that sex is an important part of the marriage connection for men. And in my opinion, it is definitely important in keeping a happy, healthy marriage for both of you. I would discuss your lack of sexual drive with your OB. Unless there are other reasons why you don't want to be intimate with your husband, I would look into anything that would give you your sex drive back--it will strengthen your marriage and though they shouldn't need sex to know how much you love them, I think many men really think that is the ultimate way to show how much you love each other. Good luck and don't give up.

T.,

Marriage is a wonderful partnership. I wish more couples truly understood this. Sex is an extension of that partnership. It is not the wife's "duty" to have sex and any man would be satisfied in knowing that his wife is only having sex because it's her duty...
I would be willing to bet your lack of desire has little to do with your hysterectomy (I have had a hysterectomy).

On March 18 I am offering a FREE 2-hour class about marriage relationship. I would love for you and your husband to come.
It will be looking at the commitment it takes for both husband and wife to make a great marriage.

Write me if you would like more details. ____@____.com

no way! Sex is a personal display of love, not a duty. It should never be forced. If he is asking for it out of selfishness then it has lost it's purpose. Which is to bring you closer together as husband and wife. When it is treated as something that is a duty then it will do nothing but drive the two of you apart.

OMG, I just about died when I read that your husband said it was your duty as his wife to have sex with him whenever he desires. Obviously his control issues don't stop with sex. Marriage is a two way street and you both need to be willing partners in ALL aspects of your marriage. I think the best thing for your marriage would be some marriage counseling and to really get some health insurance so you can take care of yourself properly. I just don't understand why your husband doesn't see the need for health insurance as a priority.

I don't have any advice other than to seek professional help, but to answer your question, no, wives are NOT just sexual playthings and childbearers. And no, wives should not have sex with their husbands on demand (although I'm sure there are some women out there that believe that's the way it should be and if they are happy with it, then I guess it works for them).

No it is NOT your duty to please your husband in a unidirectional way. However it is the duty for both of you to come together to help each other for the bennefit of both of you. Your husband needs to step up to the plate to help you find a solution for the both of you. Your sex life shouldn't be over yet and you should also be on the receiving end of fun. I'd research online for some help for post-hysterectomy issues....good luck

read fasinating womanhood.

I know exactly what you are going thru. My only advise is to bite the bullet and go to the doctor. Find a good one who deals with HRT hormone replacement therapy. Don't let him just fill you up with testostrone. Your husband has very little compassion he has no clue what you are going thru.
Other changes can happen to you too. Some, like suicidal thoughts are really scary. My problem was that my body just wouldn't absorb the pills that I was taking. As much as I hate shots that is the way my body accepted the hormones.
My heart is with you and wish you all the best. PLEASE see a doctor. email me if you would like to.
D.