NOW I Understand the MIL thing...I Am Steaming Mad.

What she is really saying is, "I hate the fact that my son is not a good man and I am doing everything to compensate for this fact by helping my DIL."

I can tell that you have a lot on your plate, and understand why her comments make you frustrated. However, I would say to take this as a compliment that you must make it look easy.

Have you ever looked at her in the eye and said "You know, it really hurts my feelings that continually tell me how hard Susie has things when I work so hard myself to try to do 2 full time jobs. I ask so little of everyone else around me even though I could really use the help. I really wish you wouldn't talk about this subject with me anymore."

If you don't put your feelings on the table, nothing will change.

Dawn

Does it really matter? Stop fuming, and when your MIL makes that statement, say, "Yeah, that must be hard."

I think you are being kind of petty. You like your SIL, so who cares what your MIL thinks about her situation. Let it go, and focus on something fun.

I think you are being a bit petty.
No offense.

Look, you are comparing apples to oranges. I wouldn't be fuming mad about it.

Your mother in law says that that she feels badly for her other daughter in law. I would bet, in all likelihood, that the other daughter in law hears what a wonderful husband you have and how well you keep it all together. It doesn't sound to me like she's down playing how hard you work at home or anything like that. Even with help, the other daughter in law has other issues to contend with.

Again....apples and oranges.

I've had a rough time as a single, full time working mother raising two kids alone. I've been doing it for 15 years. I just want to say that it seems like every time I get a little envious of how someone else seems to have it easier, something happens to them or their marriage falls apart or they have a serious struggle that I don't have to contend with and I realize that I shouldn't ever envy anyone.

We all have our weaknesses, our problems, our disasters, our traumas, our triumphs, our strengths.....We don't live parallel lives and frankly, I'm glad about that.

Continue to do what you do. Don't read more into your mother in law's statements than she likely intends. When she mentions how hard the other woman has it....perhaps she has a point.

Be thankful for your own life as opposed to focusing on comparisons, whether they be yours or someone else's.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I think you've gotten some good feedback here, especially the comments about taking your MIL's comments as a compliment, and also the suggestion to just let it go.

Another perspective might be that your MIL is just like my mom. She tells me how hard it is to be my sister, how difficult her son is, how hard it must be as a single mom, how her boss and her ex are both real jerks. I listened to it for a long time & was really hurt that *I* didn't get some of that same "poor baby" reaction from her. Finally I brought it up to my sister. Come to find out, my mom had been telling *HER* how rough I had it. How hard I worked, how difficult it was to have 2 babies, 2 tweens and a demanding FT job while my husband traveled, etc. Now, really, both my sister and I had some difficulties and hurdles to jump -- but who doesn't? Neither of us saw our situations as especially tough -- but our mom did. Being a typical Irish mom, she never told us what she thought of us: how she admired our abilities to juggle families and work, what good moms we were, anything like that. Still, she told others all the time. Once we figured it out, my sister and I laughed, shook our heads and decided it was just our mom -- no malice intended.

Take a breath. Let it go.

You're not being petty, but your SO's mother is being inconsiderate in not realizing what she is saying and to whom she is saying it. But it is not YOUR place to say anything to her about it. Not really. Not if you don't want to open up a can of worms....

I would let it go.

There are many reasons that grandma might have more sympathy for her son's wife... maybe they struggle more financially than she thinks you do. Maybe she THINKS they struggle more financially and have fewer choices than you do. Maybe she doesn't see it as a "luxury" for her other son, but more of a necessity. Maybe she knows her other son is a screw up and feels more obligation to help out for the sake of her grandkids, and that you two have it together for your kids, so your kids will be fine...
Who knows?

From my perspective, your MIL sees your SIL as someone who *needs* support and is stepping up to the plate. It seems to me that your MIL was probably not comparing her two daughter in laws, so much as speaking to you as a confidant and friend.

Of course, we all need and want support, and to be validated for our efforts. I do hope you receive the support and validation that you deserve.
__________

Never underestimate how draining, taxing, and degrading it is to be in a relationship with a real "jerk", AKA an abusive partner.

My (assumptive and limited) guess is that your MIL feels somewhat responsible to help your SIL out, considering that she doesn't have marital support and (seems to) lack any real personal time even if she's receiving a lot of help.
_________
Is it fair that I have, throughout my life, received less attention than my sister? Of course not. But that's life. It's *not* fair.

That's alright. I have my health, my children's health, a roof over my head, good friends, a (currently) stable and happy marriage, and food for my table. And when I really think about it, I'm glad my mom makes so much of an effort to see my sister. It might be the only thing keeping my sister alive. And god knows, she needs support more than I do. So I just try and be grateful that I have what I have, yah know? And grateful that sometime is watching out for my sister. I love my sister and I want my sister to have support.

I'm not in competition with my sister so, when I'm feeling unsupported I have to get really creative, and find ways to meet my own needs.

Anyway, that's my story.

Yeah, petty.
I mean it is that simple: envious (as per you admitting it) and petty.
Saying that she feels for her other DIL does NOT diminish what you are doing. Maybe she tells her other DIL how amazed she is at you for doing it all pretty much yourself...

It's ok though - we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes... on the other hand when we have kids as adults we should know what we are in for. It's a decision we make knowing that it is hard work... not sure why you would want someone feel sorry for you...

What is funny about exchanges like this is they happen because she thinks you got your stuff together! She thinks you are the model for motherhood so you wouldn't be upset by her comments.

What I mean is by saying how hard someone had it they are also saying you have it together. Think about it, would you say oh poor so and so to someone you think is worse off or someone you think is doing great and would also feel sorry for so and so?

She was saying oh look at how hard she has it, not all with it and functioning like you.

It is the one compliment that just never comes off as one. Not sure why damn near every mother in law does this.

And how is your MIL supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell her???
Arent jealousy and envy one in the same?
It is often misunderstood by the strong child/person, that things like this occur because the other child/person is the needy one and will always get talked about because everybody feels bad for that person. Instead of being envious, why can't you be proud that you can handle all that is on your plate and then TELL your MIL that you'd like her to help you out sometimes too. Or are you too proud for that admission???

No matter what people always think that moms that SAH or WAH lay around all day eating candy and have it easy. I have worked a variety of jobs, none even compare to the workload of taking care of young children all day, plus cleaning and you work also. I work part time at a salon, I always say that is actually my break time from working. People dont get it. As far as Im concerned working at a reg job all day while someone else watches your kids is far easier than watching them yourself. People just dont get it. They never will. Im not sure in what universe your SIL has it harder than you, but I would just try to let comments like that roll off.your back.

Your MIL knows that her son is a jerk. That's really why she is saying that her other DIL has it do hard. She's not going to come out and say that to you, but that seems pretty clear. And if you think he's a jerk, he's probably even worse at home to his mom and wife. Maybe everyone is helping her thinking that will keep her marriage together.

I know it's probably hard to watch her get all if this help and still have someone say how she has it so hard. Her jerky husband is, I'm sure, is seen by everyone as a jerk. Remember the grass is usually not as green on the other side as we think it is. Chin up.

I don't think this should bother you. It's not like she criticized you - she just says how hard life is for your SIL. Big deal. Let her ramble on about it. Just ignore!

When you work at home, people have NO idea what goes into it. Your MIL probably thinks that you have it all together because you work together with your husband, (when he's around to help you) and you do what you have to do without complaining about how rough it all is. And you're in the thick of it being hard with the ages of your kids. It does get easier, but is still a ton of work.

I'd be willing to guess that DIL complains a fair amount about how hard it all is and your Mom feels sorry for her.

As another poster said, take it as a compliment that you make it look easy~however, the next time she feels the need to tell you about how hard DIL has it, you could politely say, "yep, nobody said raising a family was easy, " and change the subject.

Your MIL only "sees" that you are home all day.
She does not "see" that you are WORKING FROM HOME.
Thus, she thinks you are a home mom.
Versus, the other DIL, works OUTSIDE the home and to your MIL... this is working. Because she is in an office AT a workplace.
And probably because, the other DIL has a Jerk Husband, so she feels, perhaps.... sad for the DIL.
Or maybe she is just a co-dependent type... who is like a moth to a flame... with that kind of mistreatment from the other DIL's jerk Husband.
Or... is that other DIL and Son, perhaps financially "poorer" than you and your Husband? Maybe she is just going according to that too.
Or maybe, that other DIL and that other Son, just know how to manipulate your MIL... to make her feel sorry for them. And maybe that DIL and Son, bad mouth you and your Husband?

Perhaps, have a nice adult like diplomatic conversation with MIL.
Asking her why?

Your SO (is that your husband?).....If he treats you with love and respect and your children are well taken care of then you are the fortunate one. You say your sister in law's husband is a jerk and that his mother is aware of this...perhaps that's why she gives more attention to this woman and her children.

Are you being petty? Maybe, but I think it's O.K. to have a little "pity party" every now and then....I do it and then get over myself. Sounds like you have it far better then other members of your family. You ever have lunch or coffee with your sister in law....she may need a friend.

I would tell MIL that we all have our challenges and unless she wants a litany of the things you face juggling YOUR work and YOUR house and YOUR family without such help, she should keep those comments to herself. Maybe if they cling to her the help isn't as great as it seems.

MIL probably knows more about SIL's situation than you do, and probably can see other hardships that she might have and is conveying her frustrations to you. If her son is a jerk, then SIL's home life is probably more stressful than you can imagine.

Just let your MIL vent, nod along, but please don't feel that she's trying to make comparisons between your situation and SIL's. She's just sad for her DIL and helps your SIL so that their marriage/family doesn't fall apart.

I think she sees your situations differently because you get to work at home and don't have to leave your kids for the majority of the day. She probably doesn't really even think much about you working because you do it in the evenings or when the kids are sleeping so it's not something that she sees you do.

My own mother used to really make me fuming mad. She is always asking about my hubby's work and lamenting on how many hours he was working, etc. BUT I worked part time in an office, ran a business on the side, and am raising a granddaughter. But do you think she ever said anything about how many hours I might be working? No way. Heck, she NEVER even asked me how my side business was going. I always assume that she doesn't ask because she doesn't think I'm being successful. She would know otherwise if she would ask!

Don't feel bad... Be proud!

What I take from her comments is that she pities her other DIL because she knows her own son is a jerk & loser. However, your MIL will never admit this because it would mean admitting that maybe she didn't do the best job parenting him. Maybe it's guilt. Maybe I'm off base, and he's just a mean person. Who knows. Anyway, your SIL probably does need more help than you guys do.

You know what they say... You can't control others, but you can control yourself. So, while MIL might baby the other DIL, you can either choose to take it as a compliment & leave it at that, or let it hurt your feelings. If MIL starts up, quickly change the topic. I don't think it's worth being upset about or taking personally.

Interesting one. I don't think you're petty but at least you mil says how DIL has all the help in the world. So nest time she says something, try to understand what she means. Maybe something like " yeah, I know it's hard to,work full time and have young kids bc I do too. To be honest though, mil, I'm kind of jealous of DIL bc she does have all that help. DH and I don't so neither of us ever get a moment off. It's tough. I wish we could afford more help but I'm also proud that we're handling all this. Do you think DIL is proud too?". The ending might open the conversation to whether DIL is happy at all etc and get your mil talking. But you were able to explain. Icely that you have as much work and no help and aren't asking for any. Your MIL doesn't sound like a horrible person so you might be able to,clear this up. My mom does this with my sister but I know she worries i work too hard too and very likely does tell my sister that. Maybe your mil will say she is impressed with you and your husband and that would make you,feel better. Or,sometimes I say to my mom "geez! I work hard too!". You could just come right out with it.

So odd that she's needling you that way. Does she think that being home means you're not actually working? That working at home is somehow easier for your job?

I suggest that she is sympathetic to the other DIL because her husband is a jerk. Can you be sympathetic to that, too? I suggest that if you'd validate her feelings by agreeing that her DIL has a rough time that she'll talk about it less often. She may be trying to get your sympathy.

I also suggest that you tell your MIL how you feel. It does not make sense to let your feelings fester until they get so strong you feel angry. Tell her what you said here about how you and your SO are making life work. Ask her for recognition of your efforts.

At the same time start thinking in a different way. You are not in competition with the other DIL to see who has the worst life. Her life is tough in ways different than the ways your life is tough. Be thankful that your SO is not a jerk. Focus on what is right with your life and try for some compassion for the other DIL.

I agree with KN I bet you dollars to doughnuts that she is annoying the heck out of your Sil (?) by bragging about how you are the best this and hte best that and if she could just quit her job she could be as lucky as you.

I look at it like this, Older people have less going on in their lives, so what they talk about tends to be what is in their faces, and your Sil is the one in her face, and she is kind of in a way making excuses for her son being a jerk to the sil. With Old people thier filters seem to go and she mistakenly thinks it's ok to dump all this on you, because she likes and trusts you, it isn't a relfection at all on you it's probably just parroting back the excuses other DIL is giving or that MIL is making up in her head For your sil.

My mom does this. She constantly rags on my brother. I realized it's because my brothers still live with her, and I don't. My mom is helping raise my brother's daughter. I on the other hand have my life together. I don't ditch my children to get drunk with friends and expect my mom to handle it (as my brother does). She's telling me in her odd way that she's proud of me. Maybe your MIL is doing the same for you. She wishes other DIL was more like you. Or at least in a similar boat. :)

I'd only suggest in the future when you move away, when you want her to help ask directly. Even now over the next month, pick a day & just ask do you mind watching both kids (tomorrow, next tuesday, whatever)? She might not hear that you are asking for help because she sees you have it together.