I Think I Am Making Something Out of Nothing but Still Need to Vent.

Know how you feel, but their is nothing you can do.
They must be very lonely people. I now have grandchildren and I always ask them what they want me to do. And if they request they do not eat certain things etc., I do as they wish, not as I want to do, these are their children I just want to be a grandparent.

I don't have any real advice, other than letting you know I felt like I was reading my "own story". I have gone through the exact same thing with my mother in law, including the straw! My oldest is 12 years old and things haven't changed much. I just try to not take things personally. Hang in there!

There is a fine line between being a great (meaning good) grandma and being a meddlesome g'ma. She is crossing the line. Why not just sit her down, take her to lunch, just the 2 of you (no husband, baby or father in law). Tell her that you so much appreciate her support and the time you all spend together BUT sometimes you feel ___________________________. Fill in the blank. Tell her how you feel and ask for a compromise. One that you can both live with and feel good about. Open lines of communication is good for everyone. This is a great way to stop the bad behavior that drives you bonkers and set up some ground rules while letting her know how much you appreciate her and love her. Good luck.

She just "seems" to be nice when actually she is very selfish. She is exactly like my MIL whom I love...now that we have established boundaries.

My MIL gave pretzels and Stouffer's maccaroni and cheese to my six month old and gave her a straw, all during the same two-hour period that I was away from her.

Ok, time for a fight. You must blow up at her. You must do it in as nice a way as possible. You are a woman and you can get away with it and blame PMS :)

Seriously, she needs to be told how you feel. You have to be honest with her and tell her that she really hurts your feelings and that you feel she is taking very important "first" moments away from you with your son. Tell her to remember how important those little moments were to her when she had her first child. Blow some sunshine at her and tell her what a great job she did with her kids and that you love her and respect her as a Mother, but that you want the opportunity to be that to your own children...especially your first child.

As for the daycare issue, you should consider her as a caregiver over some stranger. I have to throw in there that when my first was born, I went to shop for daycare centers which I now call "baby zoos." Even the nicest ones make me ill to think about leaving my child there. Have him go over there twice a week or so.

Actually you are very lucky to have her so that you can get a break once in a while. I had no one. My Mother is in NY and MIL in Utah and I have been in Arkansas and Texas and am about to go to Japan. Imagine having no break for yourself...ever! Oh, just tell her yes the next time she asks..."has he ever..." then do it with him!

Hi K., I can see myself in some of your descriptions of your mil. My youngest son,24, and his wife,19, live with me and they have a 2 year old. they have been with me for 2 1/2 years. I see many things that they do that I don't agree with, sometimes I say something, most times I don't. I respect their wishes when it comes to the do's and don't's of what they want for Matthew. I have been a Mom for almost 38 years, so I have a little more experience in the raising field. I make suggestions to them, most times it goes in one ear and out the other. I suggest that you tell her exactly what you said you want to learn and discovery the firsts with your son. You appreciate all her help and will probably always need her advice, but just give you a chance to grow and learn with your child. You will never exclude her, and will probably call on her many times in the future. It is hard and she is probably so used to taking care of someone that it just comes natural to her, I know it does for me. I am sure she means no disrespect to you. Many things have changed in the needs of raising a baby these days, but the basics are the same, and remember the old saying it takes a village to raise a child. God bless. L. S.

WOW- it's like reading about myself! My MIL is also this way. My husband is an only child- so she is VERY involved in her granddaughters life, moved her for baby, and likes to mae that point often.

It seems that once I had the baby, she changed- or atleast had MANY more opinions on how I should b doing things.

AS far as my husband siding with her, and "ideas" he come up with- she is HIS Mommy, and that will never change. I am just learning not to overreact to these "ideas" and opinions he has. She is his mother first, and I am eife seocond. I have tried to change this- but there is some truth in men and thier mothers.....

For me, when she is doing these things like "baby firsts", judegemnts on daycare, etc.I have found that it is more often about her needs, her opinions, and her life memories than it is about what we are chosing to do. I had a lot of trouble with her challenging me- and voicing opinions of my parenting- and tired to get husband to assist, but he felt like he was put in middle. now, I understand that she is just coming from a different place than I am.

I cannot really give you much, but I can tell you I understand, you are not alone, ad you're doing great. The love you have for YOUR family (son, and husband) is so important, and while the grandparents are part of the family (and special too!)- they are not there every night, every day, as part of your son- you are. This bond is what gets me through-

Take Care

You are not crazy. Your feelings are understandable.

It sounds like you just want to enjoy your experience as a first time mother. It can be difficult to iron out the roles everyone plays in a childs life. Everyone needs to respect each other and focus on forming a nuturing environment for your son.

There a few things in your message that I find concerning.
1. that you feel your husband takes your MIL side and 2 that you feel that your MIL is in competition with you. These things you should not "just get used to".

Have you expressed your concerns to your husband or to your MIL? Just discussing these may help improve them. If not, you need to set some boundaries.

My experience with my MIL is very different. My children are 5 and 3 years old. Looking back, my MIL was always very respectful of my feelings - asking first if I approved before giving the baby a bottle or trying something new. My husband is a stay at home Dad and He and my Mother have issues of "control" with the kids. What you describe seems to be very similar to their situation. In the end, I must act as the mediator. Reminding my Mother that my husband is the girls Dad and to some extent is the first authority, decision maker, schedule setter, etc. Then reminding my husband that Grandmothers get a little forgiveness for spoiling the kids and that one day we can return the favor to our grandchildren. More importantly, I remind my husband that she needs to feel valued and respected as a grandmother and tell my husband frequently how much we(me and the girls) appreciate him. And finally I try and remind both of them how important they both are in the kids lives, but in different ways.

I hope that helps. I will be sure to thank my MIL for what she did and didn't do when I was figuring everything out.

Sit her down & talk to her. With a lot of love. She may not even realize she's doing this. It's up to you to make her aware that she's hurting your feelings. Saying nothing & keeping it bottled up only hurts you. Gently speak how you feel to her & I'll bet she lays off some. If it becomes a competition - put your foot down. This is your child.

I know it's different because my grandbabies lived with me so long & they had no mother to speak of, but I got in trouble too! I bought them some little sports bra thingies. My son told me he wished I'd let him by their first bras & that wasn't my place. I backed off. He was right.

It takes time to learn our roles & we all get excited when a child learns something. But, set your boundries now or you'll go through this for 18 years or more.

when I had my first and only child (a son) I too wanted to prove to the world that I could handle it! be a good mom, a super mom! my Mil came all the way from Texas to Massachusettes to live with us and help take care of the baby as I had to return to work. We had gotten along beautifully until she moved in. Then there were constant fights between my husband and me, over her, he was always stuck in the middle. At the time I was so threatened by her and her ability, and experience as a mom. I didn't realize it I just saw it as her medling,and undermining my authority and ability as a mom. Looking back now, I realize that I could have learned a lot from her if I had taken my guard down for just a single minute! she was a blessing to me and my son, and I chased her off because I was insecure and jealous of the time she got to spend with my son, and all of the firsts she got to experience. Raising a child is tough work, and you should appreciate the help from them! Some day you will look back and realize what a blessing they really are. best of luck to you.

Hi there K.,

I've read some responses and everyone has some great advice; but I feel that something has been overlooked. Your husband. He needs to make it clear to his mother than YOU are the mother and the two of you alone make decisions about your son. I would start by speaking with your husband. Tell him how much you appreciate your MIL's help and active interest in your family; but you feel she needs to tone it down a little and let you enjoy the firsts. Remind him that if you decide to let her watch your son, she's still going to be there for many of the firsts and special moments, so she won't be missing out. You'd just like to build memories for yourself as well. Be sure to add that you appreciate everything your MIL has done. Afterall, she raised him to be the man you fell in love with and married. She needs to let you raise your son. You really need to get your husband on your side first, otherwise it's going to be an uphill battle when he keeps running to defend his mother. I'd also to advise for you to allow you MIL to care for your son instead of daycare as she'd probably do a better job than most; but I wouldn't make that decision until you're satisified that she's understanding her place as grandmother NOT mother.

Best of luck!
A. W.

No, you are not making something out of nothing! You should be able to enjoy as many firsts with your little one as possible, and she should - if anything - be supportive of that. Her behavior sounds controlling to me. Because your husband is not supportive of you in this situation, I would ask your MIL to lunch, just the two of you if possible - be ready with a practiced talk so you're less nervous and less likely to get flustered/mad and say something you'll regret - and tell her how hard this has been on you. I think it bears telling her that this is straining your marriage and that it may cause problems in the future in her relationship with her grandchildren: You will not want to be around her, and your kids will be protective of you and will feel uncomfortable with her too. Tell her, gently, that you feel that she had the chance to make all the decisions for three of her own and that you are just asking for the same chance. A little loving guilt can go a long way. You seem like a very sweet and patient person; she is lucky to have you for a DIL and should treat you with more respect!

Hi K. - I know this won't help with the overbearing MIL but I struggled with missing the firsts being a working mom. Someone told me...the only first that matters is the first that you see. Maybe that will give you some peace of mind. My MIL is the same way - I am constantly hearing how it is amazing that any of us survived to be adults with all the rules they have now.

You have ultimately gotten a lot of great advice. I agree with most of what everyone posted. I just wanted to add that another little trick would be to ask your MIL for her advice, help, etc... It will make her feel appreciated and wanted/needed. It sounds like she's needing that for some reason.

I also wanted to say, I had these issues with my own mom-feeding him rice cereal in his bottle when he wasn't old enough, according to my standards, etc... We finally got through all that but my mom passed away a year ago this past Monday. She was my best friend in the world and it's been a very long year. Life is too short and we never know when it will be the last time we'll get to have our loved ones. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your MIL, for the most part, and that alone is a blessing. Let her know how much you appreciate her.

Hi K..

First and foremost you are very blessed to have your MIL near you and wanting to be a significant part in her grandchild's life. If she wants to call him "her baby"-most grandma's do- let her. You will appreciate it when it comes time for a date with your husband and she offers to keep "her baby" while you enjoy your much needed alone time.

MIL's and mothers alike have their own version of how best to raise a child. Just wait-you will, too. If you'll think back and remember when you were a child...did your mom raise you the way she thinks you need to raise your child? Probably not. Just try to remember that they are only around for brief moments in your day and then they'll be on their way. Let them have their way with him while they're there. It wil not hurt you or him and it may make things less of a tug-of-war when she's around. Let things said go in one ear and out the other. I know this is hard, especially you being a first time mom but you'll do yourself and your child a favor by doing so. You might even humor her sometimes and say "you know, that's a great idea. Thanks for the advice." Then forget what she said and continue doing it your way.

As far as all the "1st's"...let her enjoy her's, too. Just politely ask that she reserve the really special one's for you. You need to determine which one's you're willing to share.

As far as her feeding cereal before it's time, you need to "invite" her to go your pediatrician's visit. Call beforehand and let them know you'll be bringing your MIL and ask him to mention feeding guidlines. Give her a copy of the guidlines for her fridge. She definitely needs to know the boundaries regarding food and food allergies. She needs to know that although your little guy may have a taste of icecream, but he may not have a taste of strawberry icecream, etc.

Choose your battles. You can't die on every hill. Embrace your MIL. Make her your best friend...You probably don't really desire a lot of time away from your precious little guy right now, but trust me, you will eventually need your space. If you allow her to build that bond with him now, she'll be right where you need her for future use.

I hope this helps.

p.s. Never put your husband in the middle. If you have concerns address them with your MIL. Talk to her and not at her. Always keep an open line of communication and try to keep it nuetral. You want the best playing field for your little one. Love her and so will your little one. One of the greatest gifts you can give to your husbnand is to love his parents. It sounds like you do.

Some things I would let go - who keeps up w/ the first time a child uses a straw (not me), but her saying things like she "won't let that happen" when it comes to your own decisions, that would really bother me. The bottom line is, though, he's your son, and she has no real rights to make decisions about him. You've made it this far and you still feel she is a great person, so she can't be doing anything too bad. However, let that mother bear instinct guide you - if she does something w/ your son you don't approve of (especially if it affects his safety or health such as feeding him too early) then you will have to either tell her yourself, or ideally, have your husband do so. That is how it should be but don't let it damage your marriage if he won't do it - just tactfully and respectfully let her know not to do so and so or whatever and if you are too shy to say it send her a note or email if you have to. But again, bottom line, he's YOUR son, not HERS. But if she is doing little things like the straw thing, let her have her fun. It is good she cares so much about him.

Keep in mind life is short, I was not always crazy about my MIL, but she suddenly passed away when my first son was only 1 and I regret he never got to spend much time w/ her and my younger son never met her. If he is gaining from the experience being around her, try to keep that in mind too.

Take care and hope your venting helps, feel free to come back if/when you need to (which sounds likely :) ).

Be thankful you child has grandparents who love him! Some of us would love to still have our parents to share our children with!

First of all be thankful that you really like your in-laws. Next try talking to her and tell her some of this. Tell her how much you love and respect her. Let her know that you are open to suggestions, but would like to try somethings for the forst time yourself. But do not be combative. You might be surprised how easy things can be. Just don't let this grow and fester until resentment closes all doors of communication.

Have you tried thanking her for her suggestions & saying "I'll keep that in mind"? Or perhaps the opposite approach "thank you for your suggestions, I do appreciate your input. If I need your assistance, I'll definitly keep you in mind to ask." Or maybe you can say something like "thank you for your suggestions, I'll confir w/my doctor on that." Sometimes you're only able to nod your nead, smile & say "uh-huh", believe me I have challenging inlaws myself. I hope our suggestions help. Good luck!

I have had two MILs and my kids are 8 years and 2 weeks apart. This is what worked for me both times. It takes work and offort, but it CAN work. I sat her down and told her how I felt, but BEFORE that I sat my husband down and talked to him. I explained that "his ideas" were sometimes her desires and that it made me unable to trust what he told me. We had always had good communication, so I told him that I wanted to keep it that way. Secondly, I reminded BOTH of them that ultimately this was my/our child and that feeding/"firsts"/care decisions would be made by ME with the consultation of my husband and/or qualified professionals. Of course she didn't like it, but that's how it is. Also, when it got really bad I limited her time with my child/ren to when I could be there and watch carefully what she did. Much to her dismay, I did end up putting them in daycare instead of leaving them with her. She claimed to be hurt over it, but I couldn't trust her not to do some of the things you listed earlier. One of our biggest problems is that she wanted to give him infant cereal in his bottle and she smoked. I disagreed. I wasin college at the time and let her watch him for a few hours. When I went to pick him up and there she is holding him while smoking and remarked, "he just needed some cereal to help him feel full". Until things were ironed out and she learned to ask me before doing things, That was the last time they were alone with her. It took about a year of visits ONLY when I could be there. I didn't even let him take them over there. I have been through it twice. You can make it work. You just have to stand up for yourself and your child. Also don't let her play on your insecurities about being a first time mom. You decide what is best for your baby.

I would talk to you MIL and use the "sandwich technique". It works very well.
Start off with a compliment (like how wonderful she is yada yada blah blah)
Then say, "I need your help with something" and tell her how you feel about what's been going on and that you know she'd never intentially do anything to hurt you, but that you've been feeling really hurt and like you're missing out on firsts etc)
Then end it with another compliment (how wonderful she is or something she does that's amazing yada yada blah blah)

My bet is that she'll suddenly start feeling protective of YOU and want to help you.

And if it doesn't work, then at least you gave it your best. I can totally understand how frustrating and hurtful that would be.

~M.

Oh my, you have just described my life 8 years ago to a T!!! I can understand exactly how you feel. You are not crazy. I had my first son when I was 19 and wasn't married. My son's father was constantly protecting his mother when she would do these things. To top it off, My mother was doing it too! I think my mother was worse. After a while, I got so fed up with the both of them. It contributed to why I left my son's father a year after he was born. Now, my son is almost 9 years old and his grandma and I have little to no relationship at all. Which, now I don 't really care, as long as my son has a good relationship with his grandparents. as for my mother, there were so many battles. She took him to get his first haircut without me, didn't ask me or even tell me. She didn't even take pictures. I was fuming. There were numerous things, but i won't get into all of them. Basically I had to yell at her and fight with her all the time. We actually didn't speak for a long time. I had to remind her that this was my child, and she raised hers already. 5 years later, I had a daughter and she wasn't there when I had her because we got into a fight over her wanting to discipline my son when he was bad at school. I had to remind her once again that he was my child, not hers. So, I don't have much advise for you except to not let it get out of hand, and address the situation now before it gets too bad. But, I did want to share my story with you to let you know, you are not alone, and you are CERTAINLY not crazy! Good luck!

Well if your husband won't support you, her probably won't sit down and talk to her about the way she is behaving, which means YOU get to do it. I would write down everything that is bothering you so you won't forget anything, sit down with her when you have plenty of time and you are not angry or emotional, and tell her what she is doing that bothers you, why it bothers you, and what you would like her to do or not to do to fix the problem. Make sure you include that the reason you are talking to her about this is because you love her and want to talk about and work through your problems like mature adults. It will be hard because you are talking about something that you are angry about, but try not to yell, be disrespectful or rude, or get emotional. You have to be calm but firm. Surely she will understand- ask her to put herself in your shoes at your age with her first child and MIL. Have hope that this will pass- especially if this is her first grandbaby. My mom was the same way with my daughter. Good luck! (And let me know how this works out for you.)

K. -- Your a woman yur feelings are right on-- Continue to pray and seek Gods direction in how to handle this matter. This is "YOUR" baby and never comprimise your gut feelings on the how to's or first's in his life, because later on you will be mad at yourself for not putting stop to the interference of your MIL. Remember they all have advise--but it is only your and your husbands tht count. It is your God give duty as parents.

Blessings and peace I send to you thru our Lord Jesus.

Good Luck! I know how it feels to always wanting to find the first and someone else taking them away. But, I suggest sitting your husband down and telling him how you feel and bring up the part about you wanting the firsts and also that she has had her children and raised them how she wanted and that this is your chance to raise your child the way ya'll want to not the way she wants you to. Now do be prepared for a fight because your husband will get upset and will defend his mother. If going through your husband doesn't work ask your MIL out to lunch or something and have a conversation with her one on one and let her know that she is taking motherhood away from you (at least that's how it sound to me.) she will understand but her feeling will be hurt. I had to go through all this with my MIL she fough me on everything and still does, I don't so things fast enough, she doesn't need to be outide its too windy, she need to be eating more, etc etc. good Luck again!
Beth

Oh girlie,

I read that and thought I was reading a page from my own book. It always helps to vent!! My MIL is kind of the same way, except for the "firsts" thing. I haven't noticed that yet, but I agree, how annoying! My MIL also refers to my son as "my baby" and "my little guy," etc.... She also is always kissing his face. Ok, I know people are going to kiss and show affection to him, but the annoying part is that they are always these little pecks and she does 5 or 6 in a row. It SO bothers me and for a long time, it made me not even want her to see him, but I am trying really hard. She always commented and still does about how he needs to come spend the night with her (she was doing this while i was pregnant too!). Come on already! The baby is 4 months old!! I'm sorry but my child will "leave" me when I say he can, and when I am ready to be away from him. She is a great MIL aside from all this, and we have alway been really great friends, but man you pop out a kiddo and your thinking just changes. Don't feel bad about the way your are feeling. It is SO natural to want to be the one to teach your son things. After all, it is our right as the Parents to teach our children the basics of life. I know that I would be just as irritated and frustrated as you are if my MIL was trying to do "first" things with my Son. I work full time, so i already feel like i miss a lot with him. My Husband also doesn't see what the big deal is with my complaints about his Mother. We call our son "Wiggle," or "Wig" because he is really squirmy. We took our Son over to my MIL's house so she could watch him for just an hour or so because we needed to run an errand. Anyway, we walked in my Husband hands him over to my MIL and says,"here's your Wig." Excuse me?? YOUR Wig?? I couldn't believe it! All the griping I've done, and he says that with me standing right there. Oh well. I think our Husbands aren't as sensitive to the fact that we are first time Moms and we want the right to call our children OURS, and we want the right to teach them their firsts. It is our priviledge, and like you said....Grandma already raised her kids!! Let us raise ours now, and step back a little bit! Anyway, I've ranted enough. I sincerely hope things will get better for you. Try to keep patience, as I know that with my MIL she is just excited about my Son and I'm sure yours is too. I know that mindset really doesn't help though. :) I wish you the best!!

I honestly don't think you're over reacting at all. Your husband should NOT be taking his mother's side at all. You are his wife and he must cling to you. If she is upsetting you at all then he needs to talk to his mother about it. It is HIS mother, so it's his place. That is the rule in our home and keeps us from stepping on each other's toes or unnecessarily upsetting anyone. If it's your family causing a problem, then you talk to them. If it's his family member, then he talks to them. He should be sticking up for you to his mother, not the other way around. It says in the Bible that when a man and woman marry, the man will cling to his wife and they should become one. This means that his place is with you and making you happy, and if someone or something is making you unhappy then he should do anything in his power to repair it.

I feel you sort of . This is annoying! These are your times She had her chance. I do mean that with the utmost respect. I feel that even talking to her is going to do no good. You may need to find a way to come to your husband which can be hard to. My MIL lives right next door and she did somethings like that to, just not the same exact things. We live next door to them way before we got married and I never asked my husband to move because they never bothered us! We had our own lives and they had theirs.( they used to leave and go do all kinds of things, now they barely leave the house and to top it off they retired so they can be here more. If I want to spend time alone with my kids I have to lock us indoors so we can play without them making their presence known and pulling the kids away from me! They will not take no for and answer and any kind of routine in this house is impossible. My husband and I agree on just about everything until his parents are around and I am getting close to calling him out on it! I am no help to you but at least you know you are not alone.. and for the record if we lived next door to my mother I would not want to spend every day with her either and you can take that to the bank! You are not making a big deal out of nothing that is how you feel and you are not wrong for it. BTW they do alot for us too and at first I felt obligated then I realized I do not ask for 3/4 of what they do so I am not under any obligation to them at all.

Good luck in what ever you decide to do

My MIL has a good heart herself, but is very meddlesome. I would definitely try and have a talk with her about this if you can. I let it go too long and the resentment just built up to where I couldn't stand it any longer and was depressed a lot. My husband always seemed to take his parents advice over what we had discussed and he would come home with "ideas" that I knew had come from his mother.

I have seen the effects of having the MIL and GG have too much say in your child's life. My SIL used to allow her mother and grandmother watch her kids and they were always getting angry at each other because my SIL would want to discipline her kids or make certain decisions for them and the others would disagree and get mad that she was getting on to them or give them something she didn't want them to have. My neice is ten now and it still happens all the time.

My MIL thinks she knows everything and doesn't hesistate to let her opinion known and even gets angry when we don't follow her advice, but I have just come to ignore it now and live my own life. We had the discussion with her, but it didn't do any good. The only way we could live our own life was to move away. She no longer has say in our life and she knows it, but the relationship has gotten much better these days. I would definitely have a talk with her and just let her know how you feel.

be very careful of the triangulation, that is going on. Some of the child rearing practises change about every generation of two. I remember the dr. Spock era, that i raised my kids under. Fortunately my mother-in-law, and my mother bit their tongues, and we did survive. Staying happily married is the main thing!!!! I guess you could say, my dr. Wants me to do it this way!!! A. w3

I can really relate to this, except it was my grandmother in law who was the pushy one. This is a very difficult situation to be in and there's not really a surefire answer or way to deal with it. But there are some things to help make it better.
Mention these concerns to your MIL directly. When she makes comments like "I won't let that happen." simply come back with a calm yet assertive and general statement like "Well, that's not up to you." OR
just agree with her and know that you'll be the one to make the decision in the end. That can be very hard to do, being a mother and an independant adult BUT some older people won't change no matter what you tell them.
And sometimes it's best just to avoid any conversation about ANYTHING that you know will lead to these disaggreements. It can make for a boring evening but it will sure help you knowing that you don't let it bother you.

Most all grandmother's feel that they have more experience so they should be able to have a say in everything. We both know that isn't true. She's not going to have a last say, you are, so I would work on not letting it get to you as much as possible, even if you two get into an arguement, YOU have the power in the end.
And always remember that children want their family to get along so in the presence of your child always try to grin and bear it as much as you can. The child will eventually respect you more for being tough :)

I really hope I was of some help! If you need to vent some more email me at ____@____.com love!

My mom and MIL are like that too. Only they are ALSO the mean ones that are easy to hate. I'd say be very happy you like her!! You don't have to do everything she suggests, just smile and say "Thank you for your advice, I'll consider it."
S., mom to four girls

You can't change the relationship between your husband and his mother any more than you can change her personality. As a society, we see more and more kids being raised by grandparents and these are the same kids that tend to get into trouble in school!! Why? Grandparents are meant to "spoil" a child not raise them! YOU ARE THE PARENT. No amount of talking to your husband or MIL will change them-you have to change your appproach. YOu may want the time away from your son but try only letting him "visit" with her while you are there. I agree that your child needs to go to a sitter's and socialize with other kids. That is also a drawback to the grandparents raising a child. While your child is young, take them to a daycare even if it is for one afternoon a week. A 1st grade teacher will thank you for this!!! YOur MIL will still continue to love you, the baby and her son without having a discussion that she will re-play in her head over and over and use against you in later years.

I think you should talk to yuor husband and let him know that you want to be the one that sees your little mans first moments and that you dont want to just here about them. If he doesnt see your point go to the source and talk to your mil. She will see it because she has been there too with her children and seeing all the first moments. But during it all make sure you let her know how wonderful she is and let her know you dont want to change that just that you want to see your sons first too. Ask her for advice on what your son should be able to do and at what times, that way she sees that your not trying to lock her out on grand baby.
And if she doesnt give in to your wishes go to the grandpa and talk to him. He maybe able to explain it to her with out her feeling bad about herself or anything.

I wish you well and enjoy your first moments with your little man. And just remember everyday is a first moment.

Oh Dear..Don't dismiss your feelings K.. This is not nothing but a big something that you need to start managing now before it's too late and your son prefers her to you. Seems crazy but beleive me it can happen. I'd suggest you start to gingerly suggest neutral care and not have her take care of the baby during the day. If you think about it, if it was not your MIL, you would have no problem laying down the "Do's and Don'ts" because YOU are the mom not anyone else. If that is not an option, you may want to sit with her at lunch or something and tell her how you feel. If she is as sweet and helpful as you say, maybe she will understand. Either way, you have to stop this. The first will NEVER happen again. You only have one opportunity and then it gone forever. Maybe get her to start calling you for things and not your husband. You also need to talk to your husband and get him on the same page as you. That is your child, your responsibility and he needs to support you. Good luck dear. My heart and prayers are with you.

OH HECK NO! I know exactly what you are going through. You need to nip that in the butt. You need to first confront your husband and remind him that he's married to you and should be backing you up on these decisions and that you didn't marry her. My husband has an overbearing family that are great people and very nice but we were going every Friday for dinner with the family and then any event or birthday or holiday they wanted us there and always put in their 2 cents on anything he and I were doing or needing to do finally I sat him down and told him that if I was going to keep my sanity that these were things that needed to happen. We now only go to dinner with the family once a month sometimes even longer in between and family issues or decisions are only made by my husband and I. Once you have talked with him immediately talk to her and let her know that you know she's trying to help but by her doing these things she is taking these moments from you that you'll never get back and you want the same opportunity to expereince these things just like she did with her kids. If it doesn't stop after that then you start looking for a daycare and just explain that you and your husband have decided that it would be best for your son to get the social skill exposure before he is old enough to go into kindergarten and that you heard that kids that are exposed to colds and other minor illnesses from daycare tend to get sick a lot less when they get older. Even if you only take your son to the daycare 2 or 3 days a week it would help with your sanity. I avoided the whole "family taking care of my son" issue because I knew I would hear all of the "You should do this," "you really shouldn't do this," etc. I wanted to be the mother and get to experience trial and errors and first etc. She SHOULD NOT BE TAKING THAT FROM YOU. You are his mother. Sorry I'm getting a little worked up because I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there done that. Although a little positive after we went through all of the talks things got a lot better and I still have a good relationship with my MIL.

Your MIL is like my mom and my son's grandmother. What I had to learn (and I was 17 when I had my son so it was VERY hard for me, especially living at home with my mom & dad), that I had to just tell them both, "Look, I knwo that you are trying to help out as much as possible BUT... this is my son and I need to learn on my own, just as you did." It was hard, but I managed... I hope this helps!!! Just be sure you let your husband know, and tell him he needs to have your back!

I didn't read all of the responses, but I know that confronting her is not the right thing to do. She loves your baby like her own. Alot of kids don't have grandparents that love them like that. Let her help as much as she wants. Stroke her ego, tell her how lucky you feel to have her in your life. Make your own memories with your baby, don't worry about the first she shares with her. Your daughter won't remember anyway!

K.,

Hi just wanted to let you know that I am going through exactly the same thing I mean exactly, and I thought I was the only one..I have recently had my second child she is 3 months old..and I have recently gone back to work, and my MIL is keeping my baby at my house, and guess what?? she is doing exactly everything that makes me feel like I can't do anything right with my own child, not only that, but she definitely acts like my daughter is hers...everything you said is related to what is happening to me. I have the same problem with my husband, he thinks I over exagerate ..I don't know what to do..I wish I could just quit my job and stay home with my baby..I am constantly praying, I H. I get a resolution..but I really understand you, I just H. we can figure this out
anyway I feel better that I am not the only one going through this..have a great day!

First, I think we might be twins. = ) I, too, experienced that with mine. I would suggest that you tell her how you feel, but nicely. Tell her that you love her ideas, but that it breaks your heart that she is the one getting to relish the moment. Tell her that you want her to be a part of your child's life, but that the final decisions and special moments MUST be controlled by and involve you and your husband. I am sure that she misses doing these things since her kids are grown, but you should not have to miss out on precious milestones, because of her empty void. If you are all a part of these things together, it can build great memories for you and your child. But if you don't speak up now, this can turn into a much larger issue that causes long-term harm for all involved. Also, make sure you tell your husband how you feel and invite him to join you in the "talk" so that it doesn't turn into a war between the women in his life. Good luck!

K.,

Have you tried talking to your MIL and letting her know how you feel? No. I'll answer that one for you. But first, have a sit-down with your husband then the two of you can talk to her. If he doesn't agree or want to be a part of the conversation that you will be having with him mom, just let him know that "it really doesn't matter" 'cause you're gonna let her know - woman to woman.

Just tell her how you feel and that this is your first child and you don't mind the advice but you'd much rather raise your child on your onw. Anyway, how is she able to beat you to everything. This is your child....is she the caregiver?

Stand your ground....and you don't have to be ugly about it. Just have a little heart to heart talk and tell her that you appreciate everything she does for you and your family, but sometimes you need her to step back and let you handle making decisions regarding the baby. Tell her that it makes you feel like she thinks you are incapable to care for your child. Let her know that as the mother, you want to be able to experience all these "first" things with your child just like she got to do. Ask her to please not take that away from you. Tell her that you hope that you and she can stay on great terms and that you want her to be a big part of the baby's life. Use statements like, "I feel...." and try not to say statements that begin with "You...." People can't argue with your feelings, but they get very defensive when you say..."You did this or You did that." Compliment her on great things she's done, so she can feel like she's appreciated, but let her know what you need her to do for you. Then if she continues to go against your wishes, start shutting her out. She'll get the message.

As far as your husband goes......he's a Momma's boy! My husband is one too and nothing is going to change that. We've been married 27 years and his mom has passed away. She was a little like your MIL, but if I bring up one thing she did, he'll jump to her defense. Just let him know that you are going to talk to his mother and you'd appreciate knowing that he will support you if she runs to him. (And she will!) Maybe you and hubby should work out a good response for him to say to her such as "Mom, she just wants a chance to be a great Mom like you! Give her that chance." Good Luck!

Do your research and use that to back up your arguments. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend first food or drink other than breastmilk or formula before the age of 6 months. Babies younger than that may not have the proper bacteria in their stomachs to digest the food and it can cause colic.

Be thankful you have a MIL. Mine past away when our oldest son was 3 months. I know it is nerve racking but enjoy it. You have someone to help you guys. Let her feel a little in control. I will tell you this...when you marry off a daughter you gain a son. When you marry off your son you lose a son. This is true...maybe not all the time but in most cases. If this was your mother you would feel totally different. Enjoy her. Make her feel special. I tell you that I would much rather leave my son with an overly motherly Grandmother than a daycare center. I know it is your choice but no one would love him better. She loves this child as much as you and she just wants to feel involved. Try not to feel threatened by it. She knows it is your baby she just wants to help you guys and spend as much time with the baby as she can.

Dear K.,
You are not crazy. You and your MIL are in a power struggle with both your husband and your baby. Your husband is part of the problem. He is not yielding his "mother-son" relationship and supporting his "husband-wife" role. It is wonderful that she is so kind and generous to your family but that does not buy her the right to undermine you. My MIL disliked the names we gave our children and called them the names She wanted. She would give them cookies before a meal and tell the kids to go hide from me. She took my 4 yr old and had her longer than waist-length curly hair cut off into a chin length straight bob just before her birthday pictures. I'd prayed and cried my heart out for years. A counselor was the answer to my prayers. A counselor will be able to enlighten your husband and relieve you of your anger, sadness and fear. I prayed for wisdom for each one of us to hear, know, and act on the truth. If you ignore the problem it will fester then allow more complications.
Blessings on your family, C.

This is a bigger issue than I thougt but it is good to jave support. New mom I am just like you. You will only have one first child, and any other child you have after that will feel just as new. All of your childrens first should be your first if you want them to be. My son b-day is oct 21st right after grandpa b-day and before grandma cut isn't it? No! and worse it is right before every single huge holiday, it's a line up. before I could buy any outfit for my sons first holiday his grandmother did. I sucked that up, but then she wanted to take the first family portrait too!!! These grandparents and mil's watever are imposing on a special moment that mothers only get for a little while because kids grow so fast. mine is about to be one. They should be apart of their grandkids lives but with invitation, their time has come and gone.Grandparents I think today are losing sight of their role in their childrens lives and their children. They have such a hold on their kids once they've reached a certain age that I think should not be there as tough as some are and I don't think you should allow the grandmother who is usually always the problem to still your moments. How to approach her like I approach my sons fathers mother. I told her I want you to be apart of your grandsons life but I need a chance to be able to take this moment in without feeling like I am in a tug of war match with my first born. I would like to feel like I've given you an invitation to share certain moments with my first born and other times I need the space to become that mom and wife you were allowed to be but I can't do that without the opportunity. I'm not going to lie grandma isn't taking what I said well but at the end of the day me and my son are having the time of our lives growing together. Almost every first is a first with me or his dad and it is an undescribable feeling. I want to raise my child because it is my duty at trhe end of the day grandma has to respect that because she raised hers, or not. which would you rather have her happiness and her void filled or the hopes that she'll be mature and allow you the happiness she once had.

I have to say...we sound just alike. We couldn't be any closer to the same situation! It was very difficult at first. I am willing to bet you are 2 different cultures. My husband is hispanic. I am white (for a lack of better words). I am pretty strong headed, and I faced the MIL and husband separately. I told my husband up front how I felt and told him I expected his support when it came to our baby, and then confronted the MIL as carefully and respectfully as I could muster. This particular family are not real great communicators, so it was always taken wrong, and she would get defensive. I did the best I could to explain, but got tired of it. This is your child, and you are entitled to have things your way. If the MIL can not respect that, then I would limit visits to ones where you can be present. In the words of my sister in law....You are the only one that can and will protect your child the way you do. Not even your husband has the same intuition when it comes to your baby. You do what you feel is right for your baby, and for the little things...I would take a deep breath, and let the small battles (like straw sipping) go. I would verbalize your hurt feelings when this stuff comes up...and then let it go...it takes too much energy to stay wound up over that stuff! Your feelings are legitimate, but they are defintely signs of a first mommy! I so know what you are going through! I just went through it! I finally have gotten to a place where my child is past all the "firsts", so its not even an issue anymore. There is a true bond between MIL and my baby, and that was the most important thing to me in the long run. So while I still confront her on occasion, things have mellowed out, and confrontations are at a minimum. I hope this has been some comfort anyway...its nice to know we are not alone out here!

Hi K.,
I am sorry you hare dealing with a MIL who, although nice, clearly has a problem respecting boundaries. I know I WOULD have a problem with someone else calling my babies theirs...that is kind of strange. I think the best thing for you to do is sit down and set boundaries with your MIL. I would talk to her about the "free" advice and pushiness you feel she is giving. Admit that everyone involved loves your son and wants the best for him, but that you and your husband are ultimately the care-takers and decision makers - she already raised her kids, now it is your turn to raise yours. Sometimes, a simple conversation can solve what has blown up in our minds as something huge, for all you know, she is doing the "Firsts" because she is afraid YOU won't think SHE'S competent to watch your son if she doesn't "prove" she knows what she is doing? Might be a long shot, but maybe she is feeling insecure about the way she raised her kids and she is trying to make it right with her grandbaby? If she doesn't back off with the antics, I would start backing off the time you let the baby spend with her. I hope she gets the message and it gets much better for you!

Mommy to twins in Texas

I believe the same way you do. You should definately make the decisions for baby food and for when he should drink from a straw. As I do believe you need to mention this to her in a polite way and mention that this is your first born and you would like to be there for his firsts. And politely remind her of the feeling of seeing her childerns firsts, and maybe even what she would have felt like if someone else had done them without her. This is your first baby and you and your husband should be there for these things in his life. I wish you best of luck! sounds like you may have a version of the mother in law from everybody loves raymond, just without the extreme rudeness. You will be in my prayers.

Tell your husband how you feel. Your husband should NOT have to choose, although YOU should be his first choice.
Tell your MIL how you feel, tell her you are grateful, but you prefer to try things your way. Tell her when you need help, she will be the first person you will seek advise from. I am a MIL and I have seen first hand how miscommunication can break a daughter in law relationship. I have one child, he is 32 years with a family of 2. We see them once a week. I love my grandchildren and would love to see them more often, but my son says they need their personal family space. it kills me, but I try to understand their point. They have been married for 10 years now, and we talk and works things out. Communication is the key. Remember YOU will be in her shoes one day. Think of what YOU will feel, when your child tells you they don't want your help.

I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes I think I'm going to bite my tongue until it bleeds so I won't say something to my in-laws that I will regret. Well, I probably wouldn't regret it, but it would hurt my husband. That's the only thing keeping me civil!

Hello,
I have one of these MIL the only difference I had was that she lived with us!!! Anyhow, my advice to you is that you should tell your husband how you feel and he should stick up for you and tell his mother how you feel. If you tell your MIL is will just roll off her back but if she hears it from her son she may be more receptive about it. That is basically what I had to do. My MIL always called my first born "her baby" and I would get furious. He is MY baby and NOT yours. I completely understand. I would tell my husband about it and he would say "o-honey she is just excited" or "it's no big deal". Well to me it was a "big" deal because I didn't want my son to think he has two mothers - ya know. Well after many fights (which are worthless) and many tears - because she took them to the zoo for the first time - my husband finally stood up for me and understood where I was coming from. My MIL was a little upset with me but it was driving my crazy. You don't want to sound like a petty little Bi*ch but at the same time you want to be the best mother that you can possibly be and you want to be there for all of the firsts. You ought to tell her to ask you if it is ok to do certain things. You don't want your child to do one thing with her and then another at home. There needs to be an understanding that you are the mother and you want things done a certain way and at a certain point in time. It is ok to be given advice but only when it is asked for. I hope things get better - I love my MIL to death and am closer to her than my own mother but it eventually led to her moving out and back to Georgia. I wanted her out but not to GA just out of my house. Anyway if you need anything else or just to vent go ahead but make sure your husband knows how you feel and make sure he knows that you are not crazy to have these feelings and he needs to stick up for you! You are his wife and you come first!!! Good luck!

About me : I am a mother of a 6,5 and 8 month old (boy,girl,boy) and stay at home while being a fitness instructor and personal trainer

Have you tried talking to your husband about this? You should definately let him know that it bothers you and ask him to help with the situation by talking to his mother. Then, the next time she does something you don't like I think you should tell her straight up what you think and feel. She's not going to stop if she doesn't know it's bothering you. She probably thinks you enjoy her advice/help and will continue to give it to you thinking you want it! Hang in there! Sounds like you're doing a great job with your baby and that's all that matters. I had issues w/my MIL when our daughter was born, but she really just wanted to help as much as she could which in the end I thank her everyday for all she's done for us. Is your son their only grandchild? That could be why she's acting the way she is too.

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT making something out of nothing. I was okay till I read the part about her trying to do all the 'firsts' w/ your baby. Give me her number and I'll talk to her!! You need to sit down w/ her and tell her that you need to have all these experiences w/ your baby! It doesn't have to be a heated argument. But something needs to be said now...or you'll resent everything she does forever...which weighs on your marriage. I am sure if you point out a particular instance...such as the baby food thing...and say that it should've been YOUR call..not hers...she will understand a little better about what she is doing. You live one life...don't live it playing defense! Stick up for yourself and your baby/marraige now...you can't get these moments back! Good luck!

you really need to discuss boundries for the benefit of all of you. i agree it is nice to get along and great to get help but grandparents should be a special treat not another mother always around. i would absolutely not let her babysit all of the time. i dont really think daycares are good either but grandparents let the kids get away with alot and you need the kids to be able to follow the rules. i think you should have some discussions before you really get upset. some stuff you should let go and some stuff she should let go. you are the mother and she needs to respect your views too. it is a two way street!

I think you are justified in venting. I have gone through some of the same issues and also have a wonderful MIL who I love dearly. Some people have different boundaries and mothers who are very close to their sons also tend to overstep with their DILs, I think. You need to sit down with your husband and explain very delicately that these are your decisions to make as a couple and that your MIL needs to respect your role as the mother and decision-maker along with your husband, and hers as a supporting role as a grandmother. It's his job as her son to make it clear to her and support you. Otherwise, minor issues can create tension between the two of you. I know your MIL means well but I think that she needs to understand that if you said "no straws," she does not have the right to give the child a straw.

Ok,if she is as nice as you say then she should understand when you have a heart to heart with her. As you said she has had her children and needs to let you
(& husband) experience this blessed thing called parenting. Now that doesn't mean she gets left out completely but you will never get this time back so you need to be able to have the 1st with your baby.maybe even you both letting the 1st in baby's life happen together.baby grows up so fast so enjoy your time and hopefully mil will understand.

Sit down and talk to her with your husband there (he is a big part of the problem), tell her how you feel. She might not realize how overbearing she is. The situation you describe would make me crazy too, I have a control freak mom and a control freak husband, needless to say hubby sees the control freak in mom but not in himself and vice versa. All I do is just ignore them when they get that way, but I also live 1.5 hours from my mom so she can't control too much. As for daycare, you need to be firm if that is what you want for your son, tell her you appreciate how much she loves her grandson but that it is not her decision to make, you are the mom.

thats all i've got, stand up for yourself with her and good luck :). i'd want all the "firsts" for myself too if it was my child, she is wrong to try to take them from you.

she sounds like the mom on Everybody loves Raymond.

You definitely have an issue however I don't believe it is as bad as you might think. In your MIL defense she has been were you are and can offer you some great wisdom and advice. Don't dismiss that too quickly. Grandparents are one of the few people that actually love your children as much as you do. When my children were young we lived next door to my parents and close to my MIL. I insisted on my kids seeing her practically every weekend so they could bond. Grandparents can offer so much love, affection and richness to our children's lives and basically help us raise them in a sense. I have always believed in having a bond with them. Now, in your defense, you and your husband should always have the final say in the decisions for your son and your MIL should respect that. My personal opinion based on what you have shared is that she probably means well but might not realize how much this is bothering you. I'm happy to hear that you are praying about it which of course should always be a first response, not a last resort! Ask The Lord to give you guidance and wisdom on how to handle this situation including anything that you might need to change. Make sure that when you communicate with her (and your husband) that you do it in love. Regarding your husband, he absolutely should defend and respect you but in his defense he probably isn't seeing this as a big deal. He needs to understand how much this bothers you. I hope this helps. God bless!

First let me welcome you to the wonderful world of motherhood, where everyone thinks they know everything about what is best for YOUR baby. I'm telling you now, that doesn't ever stop (my daughter is 17 months and it still goes on) And I'm in the same boat as you are. In general my MIL would be a nice person if she didn't keep telling me what and when I should do with/for my child. She has this thing she does where I'll do something and then she'll come back behind me and do the same thing all over again. Or this one time my husband and I bought my daughter one of those crawling Mickey Mouse dolls. And at first she was kid of scared of it and started to cry. So my MIL comes in and rips that toy up off the floor and starts cussing us out for scaring her. It took all I had not to open my mouth before I made it the 10 steps to the door. I swear I went cross eyed I was so mad. But I had a woman tell me once how to deal with overbearing MIL's she told me to say "this is my baby and I'll take care of his needs." Hard to say I know. Especially with a husband that takes her side. Mine is the same way. But I have gone as far as to write out rules when my daughter goes with her dad to his mother's. For example, my MIL keeps asking " why haven't you pierced her ears yet" I have already stated numerous times that she won't have her ears done until she's old enough to take care of them herself. So I wouldn't put it past her to take my DD and have them done herself. So I always mark in huge letters at the bottom that she is to return with no additions or removals to her body. So I hope it helps to know that you're not alone with nutz-o MILs.

K.,

You need to write a letter to your husband. This way you will be able to express yourself without interruption. Tell him how you feel. That you want to see and experience your son first "whatever". And all that you are asking is that his mom respect your wishes. Be sure to let him know that you love his parents. I really feel that it is his (your husbands) responsiblity to tell his mother she is crossing the line. Good Luck and I will pray that thing will change.

Nip it in the bud or it will turn your love for her into serious resentment.

I would have a direct conversation. In no uncertain terms tell her you appreciate how involved she is in your son's life and that her intentions are good, but this is your son and you and your husband are determining what is best for him (how to feed him) and she needs to respect that.

If the behavior continues, I would limit time with grandma.

Why don't you be honest with her?

Ypu have gotten a lot of advice and you will do what is best for your family.
Here is what I told my husband:
" If you and your mom think that you can raise our daughter/son better than me than I am leaving and ya'll can raise the baby together."
After that they both shut up!
Good Luck!

Been there...still there. I LOVE my MIL too but geez....She did the same but so does my FIL. They are great and I couldn't ask for 2 better people but I think mine all started when my daughter was born (my IL's only had 2 boys) and she came out looking like my MIL. From then it has been SPOILED straight. I have just tried to pick my battles. I have stood up to her though. For instance she got my kids McDonalds one night when I had specifically told her we were going to Mazzios when I got off work, well I showed up and they were about to eat it and I just didn't let them, I told her that we were going to Mazzios like I had said. Yeah she got offended I think but she even said "Oh yeah". Little things, my FIL asked when my youngest was about 3 months old if she had had Chocolate yet, I told him no I was waiting till about 6 months, since the doctor had said that, well he took a big finger of chocolate frosting and put it in her mouth. I didn't say anything to him but I did talk to my huspand and he acted like it wasn't a big deal. I have had to sit my huspand down and talk to him. Finally he understood how I wanted to do these things. they are the grandparents, we are the parents. I want to see the first of things. Well he had a talk with his parents and they seem to have gotten better. Geez thought it is hard but Like i said...pick your battles....Good luck....