Why Does It Bother Me So Much He Gets to Do All the "Firsts"???

if you got child support you'd be able to do more fun stuff. Keep pursuing it thru court. Of course you're angry and frustrated! On the other hand my young adult children are telling me how bad they feel that their father -my ex- never spent much time, gave them a lot of attention. It can make them feel unlovable or rejected so this is probably as fantastic for your son as it is hard for you. When he is grown he will understand who RAISED him. He will enjoy his trip but he wont remember ANY of what happened when he is less than 3 maybe 4 so dont worry about this being his first trip. There are so many first in his life still to come. His first day of Kindergarten, first lost tooth, first date! first time playing on a soccer or Tball team. You will experience so many firsts that are Lifetime Memories! You could make a scrap book of some of these really important firsts, his first steps( I took a picture of his little feet and wrote the date of his first steps) his first haircut, first bike ride, first swim, first day of school, circus, etc. there will be enough for you to share. IF you havent already take him to visit a free farm, a super cool playground (look online) there are lots of inexpensive fun things to do with him.

One reason you feel bad is that your feelings caused by the present are reinforced by your feelings created in the past.

I want to remind you that even tho, your ex is giving your son many firsts that at 21 months he's not going to remember any of them. My granddaughter is now 10 and she remembers very little of her preschool years. She remembers events that caused her to feel great emotion such as playing on the playground at preschool and then having the playground be torn down. She remembers one of her teachers, the last one, but not the others. Or the time, she jumped out of the car before the car had stopped and I ran over her foot. :( I remember that one too. No injury! Or of baby brother when he was a baby as seen in pictures.

Your time will come for having firsts with him. You do have the first step, the first words, the first solid food, the first sleeping thru the night, etc. I suggest you focus on what you do have and let go of your pain over what you don't have. You are in charge of how you feel and you can change your focus and way of thinking so that you don't feel as much pain. You'll feel sadness but not the intense emotion that you have now.

Since part of this pain is from your past, counseling could help you heal the past and help you learn ways of thinking that will help you manage better in the present.

I wonder why he doesn't pay child support. I know, you didn't ask about that but I'd be more upset about the firsts knowing that he isn't helping financially. If he can afford tickets to events he can pay child support.

You said it yourself. He is a disney dad, so that's what disney dad's do - entertain to pacify their guilt. You get the important firsts. His first smile, first walk, first bike ride, first kiss, first day of school when it gets here, etc. He lives with you so he will get all those firsts and you will be there to cry over them all. Let his dad have his "day in court" and splurge as he wish, at least if you don't get child support, you get him to spend on making your child have fun. In time you will be able to give those things to your son.

I know this isn't what you asked but even if he isn't working he should be paying something! I know MA has a minimum that MUST be paid. You really need to call your state's child support enforcemnet office. They will even collect past due child support since you split with him and in MA they they give them so much time to get a job but still must pay the minimum regardless. Then maybe once you start receiving child support you will be able to do some fun stuff w/ him. And one more thing is you should just be happy that he has a dad that wants to do things with him. My son's dad does nothing! His work even gives out free passes to a museum that my son loves has his dad ever taken him........NOPE!

At least your child has a dad that will take him places, be thankful for that.
He wont remember things probably until he's about 4, so between now and then get your act together so you can afford to do some "firsts" that he WILL remember.

I have been that and done that. Keep your chiin up one day your kids will realize who was really there for them. That is more important than going places. I had a case with the Attorney General's office tfor my3 kids too. The last payment we received was for $27.42 when my oldest son was 11. He is 30 now. My ex has been jailed for non payment of child support more than once and all the court did was reduce the amount he owed becasue it grew to an overwhelming amount! Continue to work with the AG's office but do not expect to get anything. When my youngest child turned 18 the AG's office closed our case considering it a success eventhough we did not receive support. Some success!!!!

I know it may be painful for you now, but soon enough your son will figure out who loves him and who is trying to 'buy' his love through stuff or outings. Pray about it. Use the time to job hunt or whatever. Maybe take that day to pamper yourself.....take a long uninterupted bubble bath, give yourself a pedicure, take a nap, drink a glass (or two) of wine, call an old friend, or read a good book.

The other mamas are right - he won't remember what specifically happens now. He will know the deep love you have for him. He probably enjoys the simpler things anyway - like time spent together, reading him a book, cuddling, and playing games.

The way I try to look at it is that there are firsts for BOTH mom and dad. I would focus on the firsts you as his mommy gets to do and enjoy the fact that he is getting some firsts with daddy too! He will have his first at the fair with you too~ I would try to look at it seperately ---daddy's firsts and mommy's firsts. You both can have firsts and have it be memorable, fun and special. As far as child support-- HE needs to get a job ASAP and you need to get him paying child support! The child support is TO SUPPORT THE CHILD. He is hurting your child by not paying child support-- taking away necessities that your child could be having if he were paying. You are struggling and it shouldn't rest all on your shoulders. It took 2 people to make him, he needs to step up to the plate and support his son! Also, if he has the funds to take your son places, why isn't he paying you right now without a court order? He should be paying you something! Sorry you are sad about this- I hope you feel better and get this worked out.

M

I know it isn't right.....what I want to know is where he is getting his money and why isn't he paying support.........I think it's time to call legal aid and see what they can do to check into his finances!!

I always hated that too.....I took in my two step kids at a young age, and "she" did cool things and gave them money, when she took them, which wasn't alot, be enough......with 4 kids, we couldn't buy 100.00 Jordans for the kids.....so I know it sucks, but you said something very important...........you felt bad for MOM because you loved her so much......so, your son will see the same thing you did....

You hang in there and YOU will have a better future, just keep working towards it.....Good Luck and take care....

First and foremost, why isn't he paying child support. If he has the cash for fun stuff then he needs to man up and pay child support. I think it is great that he wants to be part of your sons life but you also deserve to be treated with respect-----

Good luck,
DH

Excuse me, but how can this turkey afford to take your child to the fair and all the fun stuff, and NOT pay child support? I don't care how bad his job situation is, he needs to be paying child support. Period. My ex used to send me half his unemployment check years and years ago! Get to legal aid and get this taken care of now. Then maybe you can do the fun things with your child a little bit too. And remember that you understood and loved your responsible mom for taking care of you. Your son will do the same.

Ummm if he lives with you then why isn't Mr. Money Bags paying child support. You would be more financially stable if he was paying for his child. I think it would be appropriate to have a written agreement drawn up so that he takes care of his responsibility both as a dad and as a provider. He has the dad part down now he needs to get the provider part down. If you don't get a written agreement taken care of now things will get worse as baby boy gets older. Good luck!

I know everyone is telling you to get child support. Even if he is not orking the state of Texas stil require him to pay a minimum amount of around $190/month. I would definitely have the AG's office look into his finances since he seems to have the money to go places. Second if your son is only 21 months then he should not have him overnight or for a full weekend to begin with unless this is stated in your documents. Otherwise overnights usually don't begin until your child starts Kindergarten.

As per him always getting firsts I know how you feel. My son's father gets a lot of those beause eithr movies open on weekends he has him or he doesn't know what to do with him so he takes him places to keep him occupied. It seems he always gets to take him to fun places while I get the not always as fun things. Back when I was a worse off financially I would do things like take him to a park or swimming or pay around the house. It was a lot cheaper and now my son is older those are the things he seems to remember. Hang in there because as they get older they start to realize whch parent is really invested in spending time with them.

It sounds to me like if he has the money to take him to all the "firsts" then he should be paying child support. If not, then I guess at least he is paying for entertainment. That's your business though.

I'm sure you feel hurt, I probably would also. I just hate to say that there really isn't anything that you can do except withhold your son. That's probably not a good idea either. Things may be tough for you now financially, but they won't always be. Just hang in there and be happy that your ex-husband is spending time with your son. If you feel your ex will be responsive, then maybe bring it up to him. Maybe not this time, but another time or event you can go together. Just because you are no longer together doesn't mean you can't do things together for the sake of your son.

Your son is NOT going to remember this - don't let it ruin your attitude. You don't want your son to think of YOU as the victim either, so just be happy that dad's letting loose of his time and energy and be happy for them both. Does it REALLY matter? I try to put things in an eternal perspective and sometimes that brings me back to earth!!!! Harbouring negative feelings toward your ex (and his family) are only going to eat at you - doesn't effect THEM at all. Don't let them have that power over you and your health. I know it's hard, but it's all in how you look at it!!

Where is he getting the money from to take your son to all of the places first? Have you filed on him with the state child support office? This makes no sense that he should be rubbing things in your face. Don't let him know that this behavior is irritating you. It sounds to me like he needs to grow up and stop trying to compete with you.

Others have given you good answers especially on the issue of child support; Texas has attorneys paid by the state to help you. However, you have to ask for help.

Now, please don't tell your son the same things your mother told you. She may have been trying to get back at your father for behaving as he did. She probably did not realize that it made you feel bad all your life. You don't want to have your son feel the same way all his life. He will understand the entire situation soon. I know that my children's father was Mr. Good Guy because he gave our 2 everything they wanted. I never said a word against him, although I did ask him not to spoil them so. What happened subsequently was that he lost his big $ job, and I was left with the responsibility of supporting us. (Fortunately, we were able to get both of them through college without debt before this happened.)
As a result, I worked years after I could have retired and suffered health-wise. They both know now what the real situation is/was. Things are not always as they appear or as they are presently. Just do not dump on your son the way your mother (maybe unknowingly) did to you. I know that my mother told me all the sins of my father when I was barely able to understand (9-10). It made her feel better, I suppose, but did nothing to improve the way I thought of her/him. I still remember every word she said.
Please don't damage your son the way you/others have been damaged. Good luck. I am sure that life will get better for you especially if you ignore how he upsets you. Let it and him go. Ignore him as much as you can. Other people can see what is going on and will admire you for what you are doing. Do the best you can; your son will appreciate you and understand what is going on as he grows up.