I posted once before about not liking my MIL. It didn't start out this way but after years of her "taking" in different forms and never really giving in any form to our family yet giving to everyone else in their family (I don't only mean monetarily at all), I don't like her. We live far away and she wants us to come visit yet when we do, she doesn't show any real hospitality by my definition. For instance, we had driven most of the day last year to get there with 2 youngish kids and when we arrive, she says we'll go out to dinner that night. She doesn't feel like cooking bc she had cooked for my BIL and SIL the night before. She sees and cooks for them them every week of the year. Fine. We'll go out. No big deal. But of course she would never treat for dinner... It's ALWAYS our treat. She has never once treated us to dinner while we've treated his entire extended family (siblings, their spouses, kids etc) many times. This is so foreign to me. My mother bends over backwards when we're coming to have a nice meal. And not like it would only be the first night that she wouldn't have any meal for us yet she entertains friends and other family with meals. Just never us. That same day, despite having most of the day to do whatever she wanted, she then had to go ride her exercise bicycle shortly after we got there instead of talking with her grandkids she hadn't seen in ages. She doesn't prepare the beds btw. Her cleaning woman does that. So I don't care for her. I've really tried to just keep my mouth shut though, maybe avoid visiting when I can but let my husband and kids go etc. Control only myself. As other background, I gave my husband about $100k for his company when we were first married and I paid all our expenses for about a year. I also have been the main breadwinner since we were married 11 years ago. All the money for "extras" is bc of my income. If I made what he does, we would have to really budget. I've never felt like he thanked me for the $100k and supporting him. He has always gotten angry and said he lost way more of his own money on that company. He will thank me but very begrudgingly. Ok. I try to let that go too. I know there's ego involved. What's come up though is how he likes to talk about his family history. His grandparents did have money. It's all gone now though. But he has to constantly bring up his grandmother's huge house which he doesn't call "grandma's house" but uses the address as if it's an estate. "At 12 Pineway they had x rooms etc." He likes history he claims and I know that's true but it also seems like a lot of bragging. So what I have such a hard time with is having to listen to stories of grandious when all we have now financially is bc of me, not his family, and his family has never given us a dime or helped us physically while he buys expensive gifts for his mother. Those expensive gifts are really bc of my income but that's never ever acknowledged. I feel like he's constantly trying to prove how impressive his ancestors were and I just don't care. I don't care if they were rich or poor. No bearing on us today. I also feel this way bc I feel like he thinks his mother is so much better than me. She does have a good way with people and he always has to mention that while that characteristic is probably one of my short comings. It'd be like if I kept saying about my father "he always had a steady job. My mother never had to work. He was so stable." when that's not true of my husband... So I feel like he twists the knife. I gave him all this money and so much emotional support while his parents cut him off at age 18 yet she's so much better than I am. Makes me so angry. I know this is unhealthy. I called an old therapist to hopefully help me work through this. I am just so resentful of having given so much to him and his family yet I know he thinks I'm not as good as his mother. And that's why I just don't want to hear about how great his family is and have to act impressed. I try to just say nothing and ignore but he pushed me this weekend with another story about relatives going back to their home country and being treated like kings bc the grandfather was such a bigshot. I didn't want to hear it and have to act impressed and he got mad. I want to be kind and generous. I just don't know how. I don't want to be petty. Aside from yelling at me and calling me a terrible person, anyone have advice how I can be more generous and tolerant? Not just telling me to do so. Methods? I am so resentful and I try not to be but just don't know what to do. Perhaps I do have an overdeveloped need to be thanked. How can I change that? I have been primary breadwinner and primary childcare provider plus outright given money to my husband (he also made a poor investment that we lost money on and never told me about initially) so I feel like I should be appreciated as much as his mother who never gives but just takes. Yet she's on a pedestal. I'm very confused and sad.
Thank you. Some really excellent answers that I agree with. I do think it's a cycle. And no, I don't always entirely respect my husband. I try and in some ways I am very impressed with him but it is a vicious cycle. I need him to appreciate all I've provided financially which he can't do bc of his ego and that makes me feel he's ungrateful and spoiled bc he has no problem spending. Same time, he's so grateful to his mother who of course raised him - but that's what a mother is supposed to do. Like Chris Rock says "you're supposta feed your kids." He actually always came dead last among his siblings. I remember several Christmas's when his family was in a time zone 2 hours ahead of us and they would never even call to wish us a Merry Christmas. He would have to eventually call yet it's like he constantly seeks their approval or something while I'm there for him and don't get his approval... I can kind of see these underlying issues of us both feeling unappreciated while he doesn't and just tells me I'm terrible. And there are some people who can give and give and praise and praise while getting not much in return. I would love to be like that so none of this was an issue. I don't know if I can but hopefully therapy will help.
Eta: much better now. We hashed it all out. Phew.
If I could send the poster below 1,000,000,000 flowers I would. Thanks so much for posting that link.
Blessings!
L.
it actually sounds as if what you're asking is 'how can i accept being a doormat and ATM with a smile and without resentment?'
i have no answers, because i couldn't do it.
khairete
S.
Stop holding it in. Share your feelings with him on a regular basis. Talk with your therapist or friend(s) to get it off your chest, so it doesn't build. When it's time to go to dinner, DO NOT TREAT. Eat on the way to MIL's house so you won't be hungry. Or leave to eat while she's on her exercise bike. Don't expect her to host you. Maybe even get a room somewhere and see her on your terms. If you stay at her house, start treating it like just a place to sleep and watch TV. Provide your own food for the fridge--put your name on it. Hold the credit card, and let the waiter know that her food will be separate. It sounds petty to do this, but she has brought you to this point. You have to reclaim your peace. Sometimes the petty thing can really help you make a big point, and it'll free up your spirit a bit.
Now, your husband is another story. I don't think that you need to learn to be generous and tolerant. I think that you are just fed up and resentful. And it's difficult to explain without sounding like a brat. For example, for years, I dealt with nastiness from my husband's ex-wife and son. The older son would "advise" his father to be more respectful toward the ex. I wanted to slit all their throats. I mean, I knew the fiery mess that I was getting into, but it sure would have helped a lot had my husband, just one time in the midst of it, thanked me for suffering through it and continuing to put forth an enthusiastic effort. Instead, he would tell me that the family dynamic (mainly ME being in the picture) was new to them and they needed understanding to adjust, while I had walked into it knowing that this was a package deal. I wanted to drag his face across a brick wall for that, and I finally told him that I would if he ever even hinted at saying that to me again. It caused quite a bit of resentment that he didn't necessarily understand. You don't mean to keep tabs. It's just pretty glaring to you that your needs are going unmet while, in your mind, you're working on meeting his.
A therapist will help you to speak to each other. He's feeling unworthy and invalidated and all, and he uses his stories to pump himself up, in both your eyes and his. He knows. He's prideful and doesn't understand the damage that he is doing. As a result, you two are cutting each other up. Let a therapist help you; right now, you're not hearing each other. You two might need to do some trust exercises or something, to redefine your relationship and learn how to put each other first and complement versus compete. Neither of you feels particularly valued by the other, so you're always screaming, "I matter, too!" It's a difficult cycle to break once you get going good.
ETA: Yep, love languages. That's exactly it. Make it your business to know yours and his. Neither of you is wrong. You just have to figure out how to communicate effectively with each other.
I think I agree with HLooLoo's advice on your Mother in Law. Stop being played. Solve the problems you know you'll have before they're problems.
As far as your husband's behavior...I think you need to figure out what his Love Language is and start speaking that to him. It sounds to me like he needs Words of Affirmation. He needs to know that you value and respect him, and I'll be honest, it doesn't really sound like you do. His mother, on the other hand, likely gives him those words whenever he speaks HER love language (Acts of service and gifts). He's getting something out of those extravagant gifts that he's not getting from you.
Read "The 5 Love Languages." Learn what you need in your marriage (I'm thinking Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are yours, just based upon what I've read here). Communicate with your husband those needs, and be open to his.
I'm sorry - I actually had to cut and paste your post in a word document as there was sooo much going on.
Here's what I get.
1. you are angry.
2. you are keeping score.
3. you feel under appreciated.
4. you feel you are being compared, unfairly, to your mother in law.
First - I understand your anger. However, you are doing it to yourself because you are NOT communicating with your husband. You hold 50% of the responsibility for this.
Where is your husband and his family from? Is this where stuff like this comes from?? I will assume India or the Middle East as you refer to "home country" and many of my friends from India say that...(which makes me nuts - sorry - but if you are in America and an America citizen - AMERICA is your home.....but I digress sorry).
2. You need to STOP keeping score. You were (are) married. That $100K was marital funds - so whether it was yours or not? You MUST let that go. You are holding on to it and it's EATING YOU UP. How do you let it go? You need to be HONEST and COMMUNICATE with your husband.
"John, this is something that bothers me. The success of your company is partly because of me and my contributions to it when we married 11 years ago. I NEED you to acknowledge that."
3. When your husband starts bragging about his mom? Tell him "that's nice, John. I'm glad you see her that way. I can only hope that our children see me in the same light as you see your mother."
You don't need to remind him that she cut him off when he was 18.
You don't need to remind him that she never made you feel welcome.
4. You need to tell him YOU need to be glorified just like his mom. You NEED HIM to tell you all the wonderful things about YOU.
You guys need some SERIOUS marriage counseling and learning how to communicate with each other. You MUST STOP KEEPING SCORE!!! IT will NOT EVER help you have a great marriage. It will be the acid that corrodes your marriage - as you harbor all the ill will towards him and his mother.
Does your husband state that you are a terrible person? If so - WHY?
You don't need to be more tolerant and giving. You NEED TO LET GO. Stop having high expectations of what his mother will do when you show up. You are just as bad as your husband in making comparisons with your mom and his. They will NEVER EVER be the same person. EVER.
So when you know you are going to your in-laws? EXPECT to go out to dinner. Or ask her to put something in the slow cooker...or stop and eat BEFORE you get there. If you go out? Tell the waiter UP FRONT the checks are separate. And you BETTER make sure you tell this to your husband BEFORE YOU LEAVE so there isn't a fight at the restaurant. If he doesn't like it? Then tell him to pack a cooler, bring food and prepare it there. But you are tired of feeling like you are being taken advantage of by his mother. If he doesn't see it (and most likely will NOT) you need to show him the past and what you have learned from it. You need to tell him "I wish NOT TO REPEAT the past. This is how I want to resolve this...so either the check is separate, we eat before we get there or we bring and prepare. I've given you options that I am comfortable with. What is your decision?"
I also caught on the "allow" him to do things. Sorry - but you are NOT his mother - you are a PARTNER and you don't "allow" him to do things.
When you arrive at your mother in laws home? If you want to make snide comments? They won't get you anywhere, but you can say - "wow the cleaning lady did such a great job on the guest rooms! Thank you!' But really - what does it MATTER if her cleaning lady does the beds? Why are you hung up on that?
In regards to her riding her exercise bike when you get there? Sorry. But it's probably a NICE thing she's doing...some people need time to chill after a long car ride and don't want people in their face gushing over them.
Please start communicating with your husband. Use "I FEEL" and "I NEED" and start getting your feelings out. As I said - they are acid and only hurting YOU...and will become toxic in your marriage...as you explode one day...and he won't know how to handle it. You need to let it out and you need to communicate!!
Good luck!
As far as his bragging goes, when he brags, just "mirror" his statements. The bragging is annoying, for sure, but it's harmless for you to compliment his dead relatives. "Mirroring" means essentially that you echo what he says in your own words, like, "Your grandfather sounds like quite the accomplished guy." And that's all you have to say. It really doesn't matter what his dead relatives were like compared to you. Just give him the compliment he's obviously asking for. Same thing if he's complementing his mother. Say, "She's quite a woman." (That could mean anything, so it shouldn't be hard to say. Keep sarcasm out of your tone.)
The "method" you are looking for, ultimately, is that you learn to "Just Do It"-- just give him and his relatives the praise he is seeking. You don't have to actually FEEL or agree that his relatives were wonderful -- just mirror his statements. It won't hurt you.
As far as his not being able to compliment or apologize to you, that's a different matter. It's important that he learn how to do both, but he's not going to learn overnight. You're right, he has ego involved, and he's embarrassed that the company didn't work out (from what I understand). Even so, people have to learn how to suppress their egos, occasionally.
If you can get him on board, buy the book "The 5 Love Languages" and read it with him. The point of the book is to communicate in ways that make the other person feel appreciated.
As far as your MIL goes, you can't control what she does when you visit with her. Some people are just not gracious. I've heard, and experienced, WAY worse behavior from grandparents than what your MIL does.
Don't be sad, let MIL do her thing, and just work on your relationship with your husband, starting with the book.
And even though it's annoying to have to pay for the dinner, it doesn't sound like your see MIL that often, so suck up the expense of eating out the first night, and buy groceries the other days, if you have to. Some battles really aren't worth fighting.
Good luck.
ETA -- Coincidentally, Christy, below, also recommends the 5 Love Languages.
You can't until you have boundaries.
How I read this is that you are watching your husband treat his mother how you want him to treat you. He is very invested in getting validation from her instead of you.
Start speaking up! Stand up for your self!
How is it "his" company and not "our" company? That's what I'd calling it.
When you visit tell MIL, " you know Betty after all that driving it would so nice to sit home and have a meal". If she cooks great, if not get take out or make the stuff yourself. But don't hold it against her. I am not suggesting you be rude, just assertive. No one can read your mind. Once you are able to assert your needs and get them met, you will be less resentful about people who aren't able to meet them.
My rule of thumb? Grandiosity is usually a substitute for lack of real relationships. His stories are his fairy tales about how he WANTS to see his family.
I think once you get back with your old therapist and start working on yourself AND your marriage the MIL problems and resentment towards your husband will lessen. Hopefully the therapist can educate you on the dynamic that is going on so that you feel more empowered.
Good for you for getting yourself help!
Hope everything works out for you :-)
ETA: tell hubby before visit how you would like to spend the first night visiting, and work it from there then let MIL know.
It is ok to have needs, assert them, and want then to be met. It just sounds like you are surrounding yourself with people who aren't capable of meeting them.
Why do you have to be generous and tolerant with people who sound very narcissistic?
I'd be hard-pressed to be in their presence at all.
I'd be going to counseling with my husband to work on our marriage (he sounds enmeshed with his family). And you may want to seek some counseling on your own.
Good luck.
J., I think you made the first good start by calling the old therapist and getting an appointment set up.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment because of your relationship with your husband. Honestly, it sounds a lot more like you are upset with your husband for what could be described as 'misplaced priorities' and that things likely would be easier with your MIL if A. your husband was acknowledging your generosity and B. he wasn't idealizing the family's glory days and expecting you to walk down Memory Lane with him.
I think it's good to go talk to someone about what you feel are the inequalities in your relationship. It sounds like your husband really identifies with his family's "Story" maybe, because he's not been as economically successful as you, maybe he has some frustration about that. That's a hard one for some guys, not to be the breadwinner.
Don't know what else to tell you-- maybe couples counseling might help, so you can come to making decisions about giving money to family members in a way you feel good about and which is reasonable for all parties. I think that if you really dislike your MIL, it's likely pretty apparent and maybe that's why she is less involved, I don't know. Do I think it's gracious hostess behavior? Absolutely not. But you are right-- you can't control her or her behavior at all, just yours. So, go talk, see if your husband would meet you halfway and go talk with someone... this is big stuff and you really don't want it to continue to hang over the marriage unresolved.
Your title is misleading I suggest you are asking how to accept your mother-in-law while writing to prove she is unacceptable.
If you truly want to have a more generous and tolerant attitude towards your mil you must stop recounting every wrong. You stop complaining in your head and outloud. You believe in your heart she is doing the best she csn do. You stop expecting her to be different. You consciously change the way you think about her. You fake your acceptance until you feel it.
I suggest you start counseling. Your feelings are very intrenched and will be difficult to change. I suggest you feel this way because of the way you think. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me to accept life as it is freeing me to change my knee jerk reactions and find ways to change myself, my thoughts, my reactions. Once I did that I was able to find alternate ways of responding thus helping me to be happier.
By first taking charge of your feelings you can learn ways to take charge of situations so that they work better for you. For example you can choose to not pay for dinner. The idea of eating before you get there is a good one but it's not the only one.
I stopped reading before you talked about your husband. You throughly put him down. Again you expect him to be the way you want him to be. I wouldn't thank you or be greatful either. I suggest he treats his mother better because she loves him as he is and doesn't daily demand a certain attitude from him.
I'm not saying he shouldn't be greatful. I'm saying that you cannot get a thank you by demanding one. I urge both of you to get counseling. Both of you have years of anger built up because both of you do not know how to deal with situations as they occur.
Again, focus on gratitude for what you do have, accept the other person as they are and learn how deal with life in a way that makes you happy. Build positive ways of talking to yourself. Let go of expecting the other person to be the way you want them to be. Handle situations in ways that provide youthe ppossibility of the most happiness.
Your timing is amazing.Just fuming myself. I go through some of this with my own mother in law, and the family. I found myself angry the other day when my husband called his sister for her birthday and was a day early. Oh they laughed and laughed and he said he'd call on her birthday. He did, and no answers. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they didn't mention a big birthday party they posted on FB. I don't want him to hate his family, that would backfire on me. I just want him to see it for real. So his brother in law answered first and said oh he had a long distance call, then his sister answered later and said oh she was playing a game and so he told me she'd call the next day. Of course she didn't. So he is going to send a card with money. I see that. Totally get it, but he is always sending cards with OUR money in it. I work too and they don't send cards and spend all sorts of time doing fun things. That day in particular made me mad. She was with the same people that are there all the time and she couldn't talk? He misses his family. Doesn't she get that?
And his mother is also on a pedestal, too, so I wouldn't dare ever utter a bad word. But seriously all these years we've been married and working and we keep sending money. She has never had a job anywhere else. When we send the money it gets spent on the kids and grandkids using internet and entertainment, yet we keep hearing how poor they are. They are in pictures at Disneyworld (I've never taken my kids there because I didn't have the money) and they have gadgets galore.
We have lived in the United States over twenty years, and his mom has gone in and out with her VISA to visit other relatives but never visited us or her son. She has possibly called him once but he calls her all the time. We visit and we spend money on food, groceries and outings. I learned the language so we can get along. So I guess I've turned this into my own vent.But I get it. I so get it. It is sad.
Not sure if there is an English equivalent to this expression. "The right hand should not keep an account of that which the left hand gives."
Does that makes sense? In other words, your acts of generosity, while sizeable, should not be tallied, or pointed to as moral currency, or used to keep someone in your debt, or to exact more gratitude. If you mean to give, do so because it is helpful. Because it is necessary, because it serves your family, because there is joy in giving. Then let it go.
This doesn't directly address your mother in law, but it might help to get you to a happier place as regards the $100K you footed towards your husband's company.
Best,
F. B.
It's tough not to be petty when you're surrounded by petty people.
I don't have much advice. The way describe your husband, I would have a hard time being any more tolerant or generous than you already have been.
I suggest you be honest with him about how you feel. Every single time he starts with the bragging tell him how you feel. When you give and he only takes tell him how it makes you feel. It sounds like he (and his family) have treated you terribly and you're asking how you can be MORE generous?
Maybe you need to be less tolerant of toxic behavior and expect more from the people in your life.
How are you not generous and tolerant when you loaned your hubby 100k to start a business? It sounds like you talked about topics but there are issues that are not being discussed. Are you resentful that your husband is not working as your father did? Are you resentful because it seems as though you have the money to do for the family and so the husband expects for yall to do so, so that maybe he feels good? Does the hubby resent you for making more and treating him as though you make more than he does?
Not sure of what the issue maybe, you have to answer those questions for yourself but it is not the topics that you posted.
Do the work and stay peaceful.
As far as hospitality everyone was not raised the same so if you know how MIL operates make it clear the next visit that you and your family will not go out to eat upon arrival.
Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. I'm amazed at how often couples do not discuss finances prior to marriage. Blows me away. My husband had debt when we married, I did not. I knew what the debt was and when we married I helped eliminate that debt.
Sounds to me like your husband uses you as his "bank". I don't know what to tell you about that. You could set up a separate household account and draft funds into it monthly to help cover household bills. If he wants to purchase expensive gifts for his family, he does so out of his money. I think marriage counseling would help you both.
As for his mother, well, I just wouldn't stay with her anymore. I would arrange to have a hotel room, and have activities scheduled and not visit her for long periods of time. I would also not pay anymore. When ordering, I would smile at the waitress and say "these are two separate bills".
Again, I suggest marriage counseling immediately!
One thing I know is that you can't hide that kind of resentment, nor can you continue to carry it. It's impossible and will explode your life.
I would like to know the answers of all the questions mentioned above by you, cause I am gong through exactly the same situation where I have given lumps-om money to him in the beginning of marriage but am not the bread earner of the house. Therapy he says is a waste of time and money, and he will not go with me. So please let me know all the answers as well. Also my other concern is that I FEEL he treats any other kid with more priority than his own which kills me from within.
My solution though -
You know what I did this time when my MIL visited me was, I confronted her myself instead of expecting my husband to stand up for me. This reduced a lot of grudge and toxicity I felt after each incident. I don't trust my in-laws with my kids even for couple of hours, so I have decided that I NEED to be at my MIL's place just for my kids, as they matter more than anything in life. Now that does not mean that I give in to them completely when I stay at their place but I resist my husband and do not do things that he wants me to do always. For eg- he wanted me to go along with him to his relative's place when my kid was sick and needed my constant attention, and I just did not no matter what anyone felt or did. This is why I don't trust my in-laws with my kids as there have been much worse incidents than this and yes he did go away.
Also when he brags about his Mom or siblings and does not appreciate or stand for me even when I am right, I have told him a number of times how I FEEL and what I NEED from him, but now I just keep quite and let the tears roll down just not to feel heavy at heart later on without saying a word against him. I guess I will keep quite and observe him as long as I can and if nothing changes and there doesn't seem to be any hope, I will break the bond according to my kid's convenience.
