Should I Foot the Bill?

No, you're not being petty!

The red flag here is that you and your husband are not on the same page about financial matters, or perhaps about personal matters/preferences either.

Your husband likes to spend like crazy - perhaps to be generous, perhaps to bolster his ego in front of his family - and I wonder if you have a rock solid investment portfolio and a great retirement fund to support you when you are older or should something bad happen, like someone loses their job or becomes disabled, even temporarily. Do you have children who need to have braces and college education? Will these relatives pitch in if you have a crisis?

Being made to feel guilty is not something his parents are doing. It's something he's allowing.

It also sounds like you'd like to go on vacation with your husband sometimes and not have his parents and others along. If your husband isn't listening to that, you have a marriage problem.

I'd get into counseling to work on communication and both of you having a backbone, and I'd work with a financial planner to isolate 50% of your assets so that he doesn't deplete your savings on these whims.

You can't compare sides of families. It doesn't work that way.

My side of the family has helped us out too many times to count. Financially and otherwise. My husband's side is not in the same position. It is petty to compare. They do not have similar backgrounds.

This isn't about your husband's family. Sounds to me like this is a marital issue. Who is making this decision - your husband or you together as a couple?

If you are against it, say so. My husband and I make these decisions together. I would not be ok footing the bill for his entire family. No way. Helping out here and there - if you can, is one thing. Paying for people's vacations - not so much. Once it is expected and not appreciated - no. I hear you. Obviously this does not bother your husband. Who knows what his reasons are for treating his family.

This is a discussion between you both. You obviously don't agree.

I would let him know it bothers you. Take it from there. You ask "Should I (I) foot the bill?". Is this YOUR money, both of yours, his, whose money is this - I'm assuming it's both of yours as a couple. Then you both should decide - regardless, you are a couple - you should make these decisions together.

It also sounds like you and your husband are not communicating and or on the same page.

I can't tell from your post if your husband is bothered or not. If he is not, then your main issue is a marriage problem. You'll need to work on collaborating and compromising with your husband and making decisions together as a couple.

If he is also upset but feels guilt-driven into doing it, it will take the both of you standing in a united front to extended family members - again, after coming to a decision together.

You and your husband are making choices that make you unhappy, but you're the only ones who have the power to change them. You can vastly scale back or even put an end to family dinners out and group vacations, if you two choose. As long as you stand together anything is possible.

No you aren't being petty. They are a bunch of moochers. But you and your husband are letting them act this way. Plan your vacations and if the in laws want to come along tell them that it'll cost them $XXXX and give them the information to book themselves.Do that ever single time.

For family dinners out? When you are making the arrangements mention up front that you have some big expenses coming up so it'll be separate bills for each family. That'll set the expectation and when you sit down to order tell the wait staff that it'll be separate bills.

Is your husband a stay at home dad and YOU are the sole provider for the household income? If not? Then you're question is worded wrong, it's not "I" it's "WE".

Why are you and your husband not on the same page when it comes to money?
How long have you been married?
Why do you allow people to "Guilt" you into something you don't want to do?
Do you do the same for YOUR family or do you only pay for HIS family?

You say your family doesn't ask, but do you do the same for your side of the family?

Tyler and I have spending rules:
* Nothing over $500 without talking with the other - anything under that? No problem.
* Don't loan money we can't afford to lose.
* If we ask someone to join us? We pay. If it's a typical "hey - are you going to be around on Saturday and would you like to meet at Ruby's?" then everyone pays for themselves. (note we do pay for the check and people fork over the cash to us to keep waiters from having to break a bill by 4 or something like that).
* other people's vacations are NOT our responsibility. They want to go? They save up and go.

Are you and your husband able to purchase the tickets for the cruise and not worry about a mortgage, car payment or something else? If the answer is NO, there is no concern. You MIGHT be being petty. However, if this is someone else's idea and they are saying "YOU PAY"? I would tell them to kiss my lily white rear end and tell them to save up if they want to go. The "Bank of S. and Tyler" is NOT always open.

You and your husband need to get on the same page or you are going to be fighting over stuff for a LONG time....and fighting over money is one of the biggest issues in a marriage.

Do these people that are asking for the cruise expect you to pick up the tab for everything once on the cruise? My suggestion would be to sit down with your husband and figure out what you can afford and tell people what you are willing to do and do NOT BUDGE from that agreement. If they can't afford souvenirs? That's their fault, not yours..

Good luck! You and your husband really need to get on the same page!

No one can make you feel anything without your permission.
With all that your husband has already done for them - there should be no way his parents can send him on a guilt trip.

It's one of those things where until your husband sees he has a problem and then wants to do something to change it is when he will finally step up and say enough is enough.
He should really work out why he likes to do this - there's got to be some sort of thrill in it for him.
Is he trying to buy his families respect/affection?
Does he secretly enjoy showing off like this?
Is he like Bill Gates rich and can drop a lot of money on doing stuff like this and it doesn't make the tiniest dent in his bottom line?

Maybe Hubby should go over the receipts and tally up exactly how much he's already spent on others for all of last year - and then come up with a budget with some sort of finite limit on his footing the bill would be good.

Disagreeing about money is one of the big things people argue about.
Some couples counseling for you guys might get you on the same page about the money and about when trips should be just about the two of you and not his whole extended family.

There is not nearly enough info here for me to give an opinion as to whether you "should" foot the bill. It depends how it affects your family finances, your husband's relationship with his family, his own personality, etc.

What I do know is that you and your husband should see a financial planner to get on the same page with respect to spending since you think that you need to be more conservative and he thinks there is plenty to spend. Make sure you have a long-term plan fully funded, then decide how much left over there is to spend, then decide what your priorities are for those left-over funds.

As aside, I don't think you can compare what your family does to what his family does. Different families, different dynamics, different traditions. Let that go.

Yes, that would bother me too. Sometimes, people do start to expect someone to pay because they have in the past and they don't appreciate it. The key here, as others have said, is to tell your husband that you want to be in agreement about how your family's money is spent. Does your husband feel like it's all his money? It sounds like it. A cruise for 10+ people is a lot of cash. I wouldn't agree to that.
A far as taking parents on vacation, I wouldn't do that either...it wouldn't be a "vacation" - at least for me. You could just tell them you are taking a "romantic getaway". You can set a new precedent of not paying for everyone, but it's going to take a while for people to get used to that.
I would suggest (if you want to get together with his family), invite them to your house where there isn't going to be a big bill at the end.
Maybe every now and then you can take his parents out to dinner, but I certainly wouldn't pay for siblings too.
It does sound like your husband gets some personal satisfaction out of flashing his wealth and kind of being the hero. I always put the breaks on when my husband buys something on the expensive side without my knowledge. First, I can usually find the exact same thing for less and second, I really do feel like our money is a joint possession and we both should have input on how its spent.

You ask should "I" foot the bill. Is this money from YOUR paycheck, hubby's paycheck, or combined household income? If this is household income, it should be a joint decision.

You do sound resentful BUT... I would feel resentful if I felt like it was expected from others that my family pay for everything because we happen to be better off financially or something.

Like someone else mentioned... you can't compare families. People are just raised differently. On one side of ours, we are "expected" to foot all bills because someone is resentful that we are better off.. Needless to say, that relationship has dissolved. On the other side, it is like a matter of pride that that part of the family wants to do their part and not appear like a mooch.

Some people just feel entitled due to jealousy of another situation. We busted our rears for what we have, we earned it and I don't just shell it out for others because they think I "owe" them.

You do not have to fall into the guilt trip trap. You make your own decisions, you choose how you feel and you move on.

We have footed 100% of the bill a few times on trips, etc. At the same time... BEFORE we did that, we also made sure we are ok financially. It is as important to plan for retirement, college expenses and weddings too!

Updated

You ask should "I" foot the bill. Is this money from YOUR paycheck, hubby's paycheck, or combined household income? If this is household income, it should be a joint decision.

You do sound resentful BUT... I would feel resentful if I felt like it was expected from others that my family pay for everything because we happen to be better off financially or something.

Like someone else mentioned... you can't compare families. People are just raised differently. On one side of ours, we are "expected" to foot all bills because someone is resentful that we are better off.. Needless to say, that relationship has dissolved. On the other side, it is like a matter of pride that that part of the family wants to do their part and not appear like a mooch.

Some people just feel entitled due to jealousy of another situation. We busted our rears for what we have, we earned it and I don't just shell it out for others because they think I "owe" them.

You do not have to fall into the guilt trip trap. You make your own decisions, you choose how you feel and you move on.

We have footed 100% of the bill a few times on trips, etc. At the same time... BEFORE we did that, we also made sure we are ok financially. It is as important to plan for retirement, college expenses and weddings too!

Welcome to mamapedia!

Can you and your husband afford to do these things without missing any payments or putting you in the hole?

Does he do this with YOUR side of the family or ONLY his? I realize you say your family doesn't do this, but do you pick up the tab when you go places with YOUR side of the family?

You don't state if you are the breadwinner of the family or if you both work? You say "I" not "WE". So I wonder just how committed you are to your marriage.

I can understand how tiring it can be. My husband's parents were not comfortable as we are, so when we visited, we paid for things. We got married near them because they couldn't afford to go where WE wanted to get married. My family flew across the USA to be there...his family? Not inconvenienced....20 years later? we renewed our vows where we originally wanted to be married! :)

A cruise for 10 or more people? That's a serious chunk of change. Did they tell you they expected you to pay their way or is this your husband's idea? I don't think it's YOUR responsibility to pay for anyone else's vacation. That's a tad overboard.

You and your husband need to get on the same page. Money is one of the top reasons for fighting and divorces in marriages!!
Good LUCK!

No, but you should have a hubby/wife trip each year, like a nice cruise. Then you need to have a wife/hubby/kids trip every year.

If you still travel then you can invite other family with you. I wish I was your family. I would really like to go on a cruise.

What? That is crazy. Unless you are millionaires and they are struggling financially why do you always pay the bill? You and your husband need to talk and both AGREE to what you are going to do. Then he needs to communicate very directly to his family. He needs to call each person and say, NoSleep and I will pay for one dinner out, but the rest of the meals we will need to all split. Or, from now on, we all need to pay our own bills, this isn't working for us to pay for everyone all the time. The fact that he wants to pay for a cruise for 10 plus people is crazy...it must mean you guys have a ton of extra money? Who can afford that? Why don't you all pick family vacations that you can all afford...not fancy ones. I have seen parents that are well off pay for family vacations or help pay for them. But I have never heard of someone paying for their parents and sibling's families vacations. I also would be bothered that this is just expected from everyone. It seems rude to me. But your husband has made this the normal thing to do...why does he do it?

Your husband most likely feels a responsibilty or maybe even guilt that he is successful and his siblings aren't.

No more going out to eat. Plan potlucks. Surprise him with trips rather than pre-planned vacations.