L'm L over Reacting?

Does he have children living with you as well? If not and he is paying for one and you are paying for two it does seem that it would be fair for you to put in extra on the food bill.

This is the same boyfriend whom you've been with 6 plus years (since your son was 8) who doesn't even give the kid a birthday or Christmas gift?
I don't know how many times you need to hear it but
LEAVE THE BOYFRIEND.
Seriously and immediately.

Ditch the boyfriend, pay your way %100 and feed your child(ren) to your hearts content without anyone running you down for taking care of your family.
You get to hold your head high, you don't act as his bed warmer and your child won't learn that this guys behavior is 'normal' and do anything similar in his/her future adult relationships.
Basically, boyfriend is separating you and your child(ren) - when you and your kids should be a package deal.
It's not a great way to be raising kids.
Quit throwing your babies under the bus.
Get this guy out of your lives.

Why are you living with a man with whom you have no commitment?

By commitment, I mean two adults who agree to be faithful to one another, have a shared vision of their life together, and a pledge of responsibility to that life vision. Since you came to this relationship with a child, and he knew that going in, your shared life vision should have included your child. It's apparent that his life vision is quite different than yours.

He is not assuming the kind of responsibility that is necessary and required of someone who enters into a relationship with someone who already has a child. So why would you want a guy like this in your child's life? Or yours, for that matter?

If your boyfriend is that petty that he is choosing to argue about nickels and dimes because your child eats more, you must seriously ask yourself why you are in a relationship with him.

Are you that desperate to be with a man that you'd allow this?

Sounds like you have a room mate, not a boyfriend. This would not work for me. I would dump him.

This is the problem when you live with a new guy and you have a kid, and you aren't married to the guy.

Your 14 year old probably does eat more. My 9 year old can eat circles around my husband and myself. It's not an insult, it's a fact.

It's not a 50/50 relationship you have--you have a boyfriend who is not seeing himself as part of a family. Maybe you are hurt because you consider him to be 'family' and this sort of statement is clear, he doesn't see it as financially pooling resources and living as a family. He sees it as "I am 1/3 of the equation and should pay as much".

It's up to you to decide to keep it as this sort of tit-for-tat relationship or if you are really going to marry the guy. If you aren't going to marry him, if he's just there for the now, don't drag your kid through that. Personally, I would have thought that issues like this would have been discussed before cohabitation, but apparently you are learning now.

If it were me (and this is just my opinion based on 46 years of life and my own experiences, as I've been married more than once), if I were in a situation of being single and having a kid, I wouldn't choose cohabitation with someone until we had worked through shared goals, shared vision, child-rearing conversations, financial structure, and had a plan to marry. When challenged in life with some unexpected situation, where someone reveals their true feelings about a sensitive topic, my general response is "well, now we know". Now you know how he feels and it's okay for you to mull over it, decide if you want to move forward together or need to reconsider the path you are on. Good luck.

Are you a couple, or are you roommates? If you are a couple, then this is a family, and your boyfriend presumably has a relationship with your teen son. If your boyfriend is keeping a tally of how many mouthfuls of this or spoonfuls of that your son is eating, there's a problem.

This is not a money problem. This is a relationship problem. You've posted about your boyfriend's cheap attitude before, telling us he didn't buy presents. That was quite some time ago. Now he won't buy groceries. If he doesn't respect your son, he doesn't respect you. Why are you living with him?

I am sure I will be quite unpopular to say this, but if you are going to live together as a family you should act like a family. A family pools the money and makes purchases as a family. No one member of the family has to contribute more than the others to cover their basic needs. You are not room mates. I would not be living in a situation like this. Don't play house.

Roommates and people who split hotel/restaurant bills often divide up bills according to usage. If I go to a restaurant and have a cup of coffee but my dining partner is super hungry and orders the steak and a couple of shots of whiskey, we don't split the bill 50/50. I'll pay for my coffee. The bill for the steak and liquor is hers.

Families, on the other hand, do not monitor who ate more, who flushed the toilet more times, who read late at night and kept a light on longer than the others, and therefore owe more money for the gas bill, the water bill, the electric bill. It's ok to encourage family members to be careful with the water and the lights, not forgetting to turn the AC off when no one is home, etc. And its ok to restrict some things, like if your teen routinely goes over your phone data usage limit, and you therefore put some limits on the phone, because you pay the bill. But we don't keep spreadsheets on who had 6 crackers and who had a dozen.

The exception might be when an older teen gets a job and turns his or her nose up at the family meals, insisting on vegan food when the family loves burgers, or only gluten free foods (not due to a medical condition, but because "everyone's going gluten free"). In that instance, the family can say "you're 17 now, earning a paycheck, and if you want tofurkey or gluten free ketchup which no one else will eat, you are free to purchase that yourself. Otherwise you may join the family at the table and eat what's served".

So, the problem in your situation is not that your boyfriend is hurtful. It's that he is selfish, not committed, and petty. Do you really want a roommate situation, where your son sees himself as an intruder, where he's penalized for a growing teen boy appetite, where he's measured not by his character but by his weight and water/electricity/food consumption?

Either ask your boyfriend to behave like a family member or show your son that he is the most important thing in the world to you.

ETA; Michelle S. spot on .. great advice.

I think you have a good idea of the census of people who responded.

Bottom line, you are playing house.

Only when you have a solid commitment for your relationship will you know where you stand.

Yes a 14 yr old kid eats a lot and needs to in order to develop.

Red flag if your roomie does not get it. He's a roomie..,not a partner so until you can solidly have a partner in marriage... you are just playing house.

My stepmom always was like that about my brother and I. She was very concerned all the time that her two daughters got their fair share and she never once thought of us as her kids also. It's hurtful. She's been my step parent for 38 years and she still acts like this. I just ignore her now but when I was a kid it really was unkind. I have a low opinion of her and I spend very little time with my dad and stepmom. If this is a long term boyfriend and you are committed to each other and are raising kids together then you both need to treat all kids like they are yours and part of the family...he cannot do this my kid, your kid thing. It's a crappy thing to do to your son.

It's kind of a jerk thing to do - isn't it? Bringing it up while grocery shopping?

If you have to keep asking if a guy is being a jerk, then most likely he is a jerk. I reread your earlier questions.

Is he hurting your feelings, or are you just facing the fact that this isn't really the best relationship to be in. You haven't said anything nice about this guy. Sorry to be blunt - but when you question how you feel, it's not a good sign. Trust how you feel.

I think the issue here isn't the bills, it's that you're allowing this person to treat you and your child this way. I can't imagine living with someone so long and still calling them a boyfriend and not a husband, to begin with.

But splitting the bills? That's not how most marriages (or long-term relationships) work.

You are allowing him to treat your son like an orphan child. Time to put your son first and get rid of the sorry excuse of a boyfriend.

If you and your boyfriend are functioning financially as roommates, and you have a 14 year old, then your share of the household responsibility should more than 50%. I have two teenage boys myself and know how much they eat, so the groceries are a valid consideration.

I suspect that your hurt comes not from the money aspect, but of being reminded that your boyfriend is not your son's father, and that your son is not a responsibility that he is choosing to take on.

I would feel angry and hurt if anyone with whom I shared expenses, blurted this out while grocery shopping. He's asking for a major change in a place that doesn't allow a discussion.

Since I wasn't there, I don't know if he intended to hurt you. I'd give him the benefit of doubt and ask him to discuss this in a calm way. Let go of the anger while telling him you're hurt by this comment. Use I statements. Don't blame. Consider that he may be right and be willing to talk about it.

Because in reality, you're house mates, it's fair to ask you to pay 2/3. At 14, your son eats as much as an adult. Is he willing to listen to your reasons for keeping it hAlf and half ?

The issue of who pays what, means to me that he thinks of your relationship as being housemates. Housemates share expenses based on responsibility for each to pay their share.

If you believe that you're a family because you live together,.the two of you have different expectations. I suggest this situation may be more about your relationship than about him asking you to pay more.

Get your own place! Pay 100% of all bills.

Err how long have you been together and do you live together?

I know my son eats for three people at the age of 13, so I would probably understand that if I were in your shoes, and he is mine that I would be responsible with paying for such.. I don't really get it. He is your kid. Are you sensitive that he isn't paying half for the groceries regardless of what your son eats? I mean I'd be pretty pissed if I weren't in a fully committed relationship and my bf's kid was eating up the food and he didn't pay more in food to compensate..

Time to put your son first. You don't want him thinking this is how a loving relationship works. I have a 14 yr old son. I would SO MUCH rather be single than subject him to this idiot.

You aren't married, he isn't even his step father so yeah, you are responsible for your son. I am married and I pay more than half of the household expenses because I came into this with kids he didn't. My ex husband pays child support that is for the support of my kids, not me so of course that money goes to my kids.

I am having trouble understanding why you feel you need two men to support your kids. I am perfectly capable of supporting my kids without any men that my husband kicks in is just gravy.

I think I would feel differently if you didn't word it like you have the money but are offended that he asks. What do you do with the money he is asking for now? Also you worded this like a roommate agreement is it so shocking that he thinks the two roommates should pay more than the one?

Just an FYI before you think my husband doesn't love my kids he would and has given me anything I need to pay for things with the kids. What I mean is being married our money is our money, our savings is our savings, anything big that has to come out of savings has his money in it just as it has mine, then again, we are married.

Yes. You are over reacting. He is not your boyfriend. He is your roommate.

What he said was true. If you are splitting the bills? Your son is NOT his responsibility. You should be getting child support from his biological father.

He's right, 14 year olds eat a lot. I have one. I have 3 teenaged boys and one on the cusp of being a teenager. They eat heartily.

Might I suggest you re-think this "relationship". It's not a relationship. You provide each other with someone to have sex with and occupy time and help with the bills. If after 6 years of being together you're not engaged nor married? You have no commitment to him. Time to move on. Focus on your son. Sounds like he needs it.

I'm in 100% agreement with Beaver Canoe, even if that means being the unpopular one here. After 6 years of being together and you KNOWING I have a child and we're a package deal, we either treat her like she's a part of you and me (meaning, our family), or you can find yourself someone else. That's how I feel about it. And yes, I would say the same thing if I were single and childless and dating a man with a child. That is a responsibility you take on in dating someone with a child. The child would essentially be a member of MY family, akin to a stepson, and he's part of the bill-paying, trip-planning, event planning, etc. If not, we're not a couple, which means, you have your own room, I have mine, you buy your own stuff, I buy mine, we split rent and electricity, you do your own chores and laundry, and you keep your hands to yourself.

Usually, guys make it clear from the beginning whether they have an interest in your child, meeting your child, and becoming close, or if they just want to sleep with you and keep the child separate from that relationship. I guess you chose to ignore his true interests and decided to move in together. His behavior tells me he does not want to be considered a family member, so I guess he wants to be roommates with benefits, and feels you're pushing your son on him. To me, that's not something I would consider acceptable. You may feel differently, maybe the sex is great, but think of the example you set for your son when he sees you two getting handsy and the guy not wanting to assimilate him into his life and making him out to be a financial burden and the topic of fights.

Let me guess -- you sleep with the boyfriend, probably cook and do chores and he has to be counting pennies on the groceries while you bend over backwards around the house? I'd say arrivederci. If you're paying for everything for you and your son anyway, you should be able to support yourselves without the cheapskate's help. What purpose does he serve? Again, if it's providing you with sex, you both can live separately and arrange to keep having sex, but don't force this awkwardness of trying to force a family on someone who wants no part of that, and having your son in the middle of this discord. He deserves to have someone in the household who will love him and make him feel like he is part of the family, not an outsider, and this man is not it. Have a talk with him but if he is unwilling to budge, be prepared to put your son first and tell this man you'll be living separately from now on.

I don't think you should be hurt at all. Your BF made a statement that's likely been bothering him for a while. Look at this like he's done you a favor - he's opened up the lines of communication (in maybe not the best time nor place). So sit down one evening, and calmly talk about it. Have some paper and a pen handy. Make a budget. It's better to do this now rather than get too involved and fight over it until it kills your relationship.

If you are "sharing" the bills and you said it's almost 50/50 then yes, you should pay more for your son then your boyfriend does. You are all acting like roommates. Maybe time to re-evaluate your relationship. Good luck.

He's going to quibble over how much your kid eats? Tell him that from now on, you will buy and cook groceries for you and your son and he can buy and cook his own damn food.

G.,

Sorry. You are in the wrong here. You're NOT married. YOU are responsible for your son. Yep. You need to contribute more for the groceries - you are paying for 2. He is paying for 1.

In essence, you two are roommates. You are NOT partners.

Do you not get child support from your son's father? That money is for your son. NOT YOU. That means food, housing and clothing for your son.

I know a mom - saddens me that I know someone like this - that uses the money on her. New clothes, etc. for HER not the kids. She even bought a top of the line Escalade (yes, I know, that's transportation for the kids and yes. She gets a BOAT LOAD of money for child support).

You might want to re-think this "relationship". Put your energy into your son, who seems to be having problems with school - might be because you are not in the right relationship? Kids pick up on the stress and react to it.

I wish you luck and peace.

You feel what you feel. There is no way a boyfriend gets to act like a roommate. Time for a new arrangement where your son and you are respected. Curb the boyfriend who is acting more like a roommate instead of a mate. Trust me you can do bad all by yourself.

It's ok to feel hurt over this, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a problem that needs to be solved. It is difficult to say whether the solution is that you pay in more money to cover the costs of the two of you (you and your son) or if your income and your boyfriend's income should be examined to determine who should pay the larger share based on earnings, and then divided by the amount of people in the household. However, I think that if these types of concerns are still happening in a relationship that is going on 6 years, you two have FAR more issues to deal with than this. Is this really the person who you want to raise your child around? In 10 years, if your son did this to HIS girlfriend, how would that make you feel?

Maybe the guy isn't being such a jerk as I am making him out to be - we only hear your side of the story and not his. However, if you are truly unable to be partners with this guy (for whatever reason), then why keep trying? Do you really love him or are you afraid to be alone . . . there is a big difference.

Good luck.

I'd be hurt too. That's not the way I would want my partner to act. I'd rather have someone who is generous who truly wants to help provide for the whole household's food. If he's not up for the task, he should not be living with someone with children. His comments make him sound resentful. I would be uncomfortable thinking he is keeping financial tabs and watching the amount of food my child was eating. If he thinks the grocery bill is too high, he could make general suggestions to spend less on food (shop sales or cheaper stores, agreed to a budget, buy less processed foods, etc)

I'm not sure how negative his tone was when he said this to you, if he is just an overall cheapskate, or what other details make up more of his character. But it seems like you have a little thinking to do with this relationship.

If you're a couple you pool your money. If you're roommates with benefits then you share everything by the number of people in the home. You have 3 people in the home, you should be paying for 2/3 of everything. Rent, utilities, food, and anything else that is jointly used such as landline, TV, internet, etc...

I think you have to define your relationship and figure out what is what. He's acting like a roommate with benefits. If you are thinking it's more then you need to sit down and work this out.

Ask him if the two of you can go over the budget since he brought up the idea of you paying more. That you'd like to see how it can be done with your income. If you get child support on your son then that should help pay for his extra stuff that boyfriend is saying needs to be paid for.

Consider it from his point of view.

Let's say you make $1500 per month. $800 per month goes for rent, Cable, Internet, car expanses, etc... Then you guys go shopping for groceries and you don't eat much at all. But your roommates child eats everything in the house in a couple of days. You go in the kitchen for a snack and the cabinets are bare. You picked out snack food and expected it to be in the cabinet for at least a week or so but it's gone since the kiddo ate it all.

Who do you hold responsible? If you cook your meals together, fix the same food for your meals and he doesn't eat a sandwich then you cook something else for you and kiddo, if you're doing that then you aren't fixing your meals together in the true sense of the word. Being a roommate is different that a couple joining up their family and becoming one unit for a lot time.

Sit down, listen to him, find out what he expects from you and your son. If you understand and can live with it then you're good. If you can't live with it then you need to either be a roommate with this man and stop sleeping with him or you need to move on.

Live with it as roommates, fix it as a family, or move on.