Not Sure What I Should Do.

I personally feel the same way, and think you should address this. Just be onist, and in a kind voice tell the other mom's I will correct my son when needed, children should learn from their parent's to behave then when they are away from you, they will remember what they have been taught. Tell the concerned mothers you want him to learn from you when you are their, sometimes in my life, I remember not doing somethings as a child, because I felt my mother could see me. He will get mixed messages if everyone is always telling him what to do. That's my job, thank you I will take care of my son.

I used to feel the same way (and sometimes still do) with my own kids. I agree with you, it gets SO annoying when others correct my own kids! What types of things are they "punishing" him for?

I feel for you and I don't want to hurt your feelings because I'm sure your son is wonderful, but I just want to give you the perspective of perhaps how the other mom's feel.
I have two kids that play really gentle with others and when a child grabs from them or pushes them (some kids can do this without being rough) MY KIDS look at me to act. I typically wait for the other parent to speak up and if they don't, then I usually say something. I used to be the mom on the other end that "felt bad" correcting another person's child, so many times I wouldn't say anything.....then I thought...what message am I sending to MY children?
Depending on the age of the other children, it is up to those parents to make their own child feel safe and comfortable in a playdate setting. While your son is acting like a typical 3 yr old boy, he still may require more corrections than other children you are with at this point in his development. If he isn't responding to your discipline, than you may need to change things up a bit. I have found to get my kids to behave in a certain manner is to talk to them on the way and tell them what your expectations are and tell them how TO act when they see a smaller child (and then tell them what isn't acceptable and that if they do those things you will promptly leave)....and then remind them while you are at the playdate when they are around the smaller child and looking like they may take something away or push down (or whatever it is that he is doing). If he isn't able to behave the way you discussed--I would immediately take him home--it only takes a few times before they learn what will quickly land them in the car going home.

Ultimately we want our kids to ba able to solve their own problems. When your son was old enough to communicate, you started having him say he was sorry, etc. But he also should be able to tell those older kids when he doesn't like something that they are doing. The same is true for the younger kids, he plays with. Those parents are trying to train their kids to be able to deal with situations on their own.
When my kids play with older, or younger kids, I correct them all the time, regardless of whether or not their parents are there, or if they are friends or strangers. But I do it from the point of view of my kids. For my nine month old, I would say something like, "No, please, I am still playing with that" and then I would take it back from the other kid as if it were my son sticking up for himself.
The only time your son would need to be corrected, is if he responded inappropriately. However, it is not reasonable for your son to assume that you are the only one to correct him. AS he gets older his circle will widen, and he will need to be used to taking directions from many sources: teachers, friends' parents, librarians, babysitters.
And by coming across as harsher in public actually may look as if you are only parenting for show. People will not believe that you are working on this at home, if you are having to make such a show of it in public. It is the mothers that can deal with an issue with only a look or gesture that are believable.

You've gotten alot of advice here, and I think for the most part, it is, that its not a big deal for other parents to correct other children. As long as they aren't being mean or to harsh, it really is no big deal. And with you having two young children, I'm sure, you'll have to do it once or twice. Some things that seem ok to one mom, may not be ok with another. And your comment, boys will be boys, I'm thinking you let your son do and get away with more than he probably should. I have two sons, and they are all boy, but they are very polite. Not to say we didn't have a few issues growing up, all kids, even girls have them. But as much as you let them get away with, they will do, and keep pushing to get away with more and more. I had a cousin whos son is a few months younger than my youngest one, we used to get together alot, but because she and her husband believe boys will be boys, and they won't let their son be a sissy, he is a full blown bully. So to protect my son, we dont' get together anymore than we have to, holidays and such. Her son is in trouble all the time at school, even in kindergarten he was suspended for a week, because as his mom said, he was just being a boy. Just something to think about:) Good luck and enjoy them.

I will say that if there is a child that is bullying my daughter I do correct that child. I do it nicely, but if the parent does not say anything to their child and they are not treating mine nicely I will correct them. If that parent were to confront me I would tell them that they need to pay more attention to their child. I do give the parent the opportunity to correct their child and I do give them the look first, like are you going to do something about this. If you are concerned about this and your child is not playing well with the other children, then I suggest you stay in closer proximity of him when he is in a situation that you think others will correct him. I am not trying to criticize your parenting, but to let you know that others are not necessarly upset with your parenting, but are concerned about how their child is treated. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if another child was treating your child like your son is treating theirs?

If you find this happening with a lot of people, you may be hesitating too long and they feel the need to step in. If its just a person or 2, it may be their personality. I don't think others should be mean or overly aggressive with your children, but I think its not only appropriate but favorable for other adults to be able to discipline. The idea of "it takes a village", etc. If he hears it from everyone, it will mean more. This will be even more so as they get older. My teen listens to other adults more than us sometimes. We become "white noise" after awhile. I'd accept it as help, maybe even thank them in front of him, "Thank you ______. We have talked about this and he is trying to share more." Maybe even discuss it with others for their insight. Whatever you do, don't take it personally as you implied with being more harsh when you're in public. You don't need to be harsh, just immediate and consistent. Kids can sense uncertainty and respond accordingly.

Two things came to mind when I read your entry. First if I had a 1 year old with a bossy three year old and you weren't correcting your child, I would say something. If the Mom is looking out for her child and you're letting him "be a boy" then you need to correct him sooner. Only and older children are usually "in charge" with some parents but I strongly believe the parent should be in control. Maybe the other Moms share this sentiment.

Also "boys will be boys" doesn't cut it with me. Boys are generally more aggressive, but that doesn't mean when playing with a younger child they should be pushing, shoving etc. I have a very physical boy and I they are a lot of work in this situation. The boys need to learn their manners just as much as girls. Letting it go just because they're a boy is wrong, especially if your 3 yr old is playing with a 1 year old. They need to learn the boundaries as well. On the football field, great. In the house, wrong!

I feel the same way when some one catches my kids doing something that I didn't notice, but on the other hand think of how the other parents feel. How would you have liked it if another child even though they couldn't help it was being a little aggressive with your "baby" when he was a year old and didn't understand? I have three and my oldest boy was very gentle with little ones, my daughter on the other hand (middle) was very aggressive towards everyone including the dog! Luckily though at school she was very shy and did not act out. Just keep working on things with him. On another note, to my Hubby's dislike I did let my oldest play with a baby doll when I was pregnant with my second and we would hold the baby nice and give baby kisses and we would change baby's diaper. I don't know if this helped but I taught him to be gentle and kind to little ones. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to be more on your toes if you know that your child has a habit of being aggressive towards others. It may also be that what flies at your house doesn't fly with other people. Everybody is different with the rules of the house and what the parents will let slide and what they won't. My SIL let her kids jump around on furniture and she didn't say anything when they did it at my house but we don't do that here so I would say something to my nephew when he did it here. Sorry so long, just a few different points of views. Good luck and don't take things to heart you can't always be there to see what is going on, its just aggravating when someone else disciplines your child. (sometimes I even get upset when Hubby does :)

I know exactly what you are going through!!! My daughter, who will be 3 at the end of January, did the same thing! She was the only child for a 1 1/2 years and all my friends had older kids so she was the youngest. Now that she is older, she is the "bully" to the younger kids...ugh. What I have found it not to scold my daughter in front of all my friends, so if they have to disipline her, they hopefully won't scold her either. When my daughter pushes a new walker down, I just tell her in a calm voice, to help the child up and that it wasn't nice. I'm sure the other moms think I'm a push over of a mom, but I want to set the example for them, how to talk to my daughter. Now at home when she pushes down her bro she gets a time out or spanking, so she knows it's wrong. I know a lot of people say that this type of disapline isn't good because it isn't consistant, however, it's worked for me. Also, there was a point when my daughter would get a little out of hand, so I would simply take her away from the situation and make it known to her this is not how we act. I have never really left her to the other moms, in fear they might be too hard on her. If you want to say something to other moms, just tell them if your child does something wrong to let you know and you will take care of it. Don't give the other moms a passage way to be too hard on your kid.

Hi, S.. His behavior sounds normal but unacceptable. The other parents may be reacting before you are able to correct him out of fear for their own toddler. Is he aggressive toward his brother? He must learn that shoving children down is inappropriate. I never spanked and I am a non-believer in that form of punishment. Isolate him from the group (time out) and ALWAYS be consistant. Good Luck. Also, there are volumes of child rearing books at the library on this subject as well as biting, tantrums, etc.
Denise K.

It is totally normal for 3 yr olds to be the self appointed boss of the littler kids.:-)
You are doing right by pointing out to your child where he is doing wrong WHEN he is doing wrong.(aka. on the spot).
I know that I have been put in the position of correcting others children while the parent is in the room because the parent was not physically able to get to their child before they were hurt or hurt someone else. I do not mind when others bring attention of error to my child while I am there as long as they do so nicely. "please don't do that" "watch out sweetie" etc. Its all about tone of voice and body language. But heaven forbid someone should grab my child and speak roughly to them... Thats when the momma bear comes out. :-)
Every one has different ideas on what is "allowed" and not allowed... So it is a hard thing to try to figure out how to handle every situation. I have never knowingly had anyone take offense to me steping up to them and telling them nicely " I have it now, thank you." But the part that i have had offense taken is my not punishing my child as hard as THEY think I should have.
Step into the situation, stand up for your child if need be, Harshness can only be judged in the eyes of the other person. Perhaps telling them that if they see your child doing something that needs your attention tattle tailing is allowed. :-)

Hi:) Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do...There is always going to be someone who thinks that they aren't doing wrong by correcting your child...Apparently, if they are doing this...that means they are seeing something before you do, or you don't see the problem at all...I can honestly say that I've done this before...not to be "mean" to the other mom, but because the child was in the store and acting like a complete brat...I was embarrassed for this mother, and I looked at the child and put my finger over my mouth and she stopped, because I think she realized that other people could hear her...Sorry...Tolerence is the key I guess...

I really think you need to let the other parents to correct your child. If another child is hitting or potentially going to hurt my 1 year the child needs to be corrected right than. I will corrected that childs behavior period and i will not be thinking that parent is a bad parent. I will think that if the other person gets upset that i did that. otherwise if you wait till the person lets you know what your child was (or they have to wait for you to get over there) doing your child will not get that he is doing something wrong and also harm may occur to the other child.. Also it is important for the other parents to protect other kids. you need not take this that you are not being a good parent. You should thank the other parent and you may want to go talk to your child about why the other person corrected them.

Harsh? what is harsh. if your child is potential going to harm another child they need to be correct up to include time outs if the child behavior is not improving. it is more important that your childs behavior changes. the smaller childeran can't protect themselves so as adults we need to protect them. Have you thought about talking to your soon about this behavior before you go to events with younger childeran. Before you go in talk to him about what is accceptable and what isn't and how he needs to treat younger childeran.

Parents need to stop taking these things personally and we all need to work togather on these issues and not get offend. That is being a responsible adult.

Hey S.,

I hear you totally!! My 14 yr old had problems with the same thing for other reasons. Most of the time I would look at the person "talking" to my son, say "Thank you for bringing this to my attention", grab my son and walk off a bit and talk to him myself. I would keep my voice low while speaking to him and then redirect him away from where he had been. If it involved another child that was pushed or something, I would take my son over there and ask him to tell the child sorry. I would then apoligize to the parent, make my explination, letting them know that we are working on that particular problem and let my son go in another direction.

As the saying on my wall says, "Two gifts we can give our children: roots and wings", if we don't allow them to try and work thru some of the things we are teaching them (yes even at 3) they will not learn how to deal with anything. I would hope other parents would realize that and be more in tune with other children.

Most importantly, don't worry about what other parents think or don't think - you know what is best for YOUR child and they may not understand the situation at the time (like missing their child taking the toy away from your son first...).

I hope this helps!!

K.

hi S.

everyone can give advice easily on this, but we all know that when another person corrects our child/children (right or wrong), something happens inside of us where we feel very defensive...even if we were just about to correct them in the same way.

the bottom line is that we are supposed to help our children grow to be kind, empathetic, confident people. i know boys will be boys, and second-born will be second born, and there are so many reasons that certain kids act the way they do at certain times of their lives, etc....but if you are noticing that people (not just one or two) are correcting your son 'frequently', there may be a need for you to try something new to help teach him what is ok/not ok. of course that is what you do anyhow, but (again) if this is happening more than a couple times/with different people---and other little kids are getting hurt (physically or emotionally)---as heartbreaking as it may be, you need to try teaching your son in a different way or accept that others may step in.
certainly, this is most likely due to the fact that he has a little brother who has recently become more independent/wants some of the same toys/attention/etc. but his little brother isn't going anywhere, so he needs to learn how to cope with that (that he is not center stage). it will be all the better for his relationship with his brother and friendships with others to learn this sooner rather than later. nobody wants other people correcting their children...it hurts somehow. but, again, if his actions (even if it is typical boy actions) are hurting another child physically or hurting other children's confidence...you have to expect that other moms may step in to protect the child who is being hurt, especially if his own mom innocently did not see it happen.
Little boys will be little boys (I know, I have one who is now 9!). But it is up to us to teach them how to treat other people. And if some other little boy was treating your son in an in a way that was hurting your child physically or making him feel small/insignificant, you would definitely step in to protect your child if the mom was not doing anything to remedy the situation. it's what a mom does.
I would personally want to get a handle on it myself and continuously (because that is what it takes with a 3 year old) explain/teach how to treat others...because nobody 'wants' others to correct their children, but it will happen if another child is being hurt and mom doesn't see or act.
Good luck---it really does get easier in many ways (harder in others :)

This is pretty typical older sibling behavior. A few bits of advice: do not use "bigger" as a reason for adults being in charge..... Say that you are the parent or grown up, but don't say "bigger" or your child will assume that with "bigger" comes authority. Older siblings often assume that they are in charge of the other kids because they are the biggest. It is very important to stress that although you love your children equally, and they have equal importance and rights in the home, sometimes one child needs more attention, and sometimes another one does. Make sure that you are clear on what his responsibilities and privileges as "big brother" are, or he will make his own assumptions. If you put him "in charge", like watching his little brother while you are in the bathroom, or on the phone, make sure that you thank him and relieve him of the duty when you are back. If you give him any responsibility for things, like telling you if there are problems with the younger brother, make sure that you thank him, and not get annoyed with the "tattling" that is ineveitable.

If you have done this at home, when you are in groups with other children, you can just remind your child, in front of the other parents, what your expectations are:
something along the lines of " remember that you are not in charge of the other children, but if you see something that you think is bad, you should come and tell us." The difference between tattling and telling is tough for children, but this discussion needs to be had over and over again. It is tattling if you just mean to get someone in trouble or to make yourself look good, and it is telling if someone is doing something dangerous or is breaking the rules.Finding the balance point is tough..... best of luck, L.

I would rarely correct/punish another person's child in front on them. Only if my child or another child were about to be hurt would I say/do something. That being said, I have on occassion asked a child's parent to step in. For example, we were a public pool a year ago and an older, say 8 year old was coming down the kiddie water slide. I was standing out of the way waiting to catch my 3 year old. Each time the boy came down he intentionally would splash me. I realized that his father was basically standing next to me and not saying a word. So after about the 3rd time, I said Is that your son? He said yes, and I said would you please tell him to stop intentionally splashing me. (They left the pool).

I guess my point is, if your child is just being an active 3 year old, there is no reason for others to be discipling him. My son acts the same way and I disciple him when it gets out of control, but the kids also need to fend for themselves a bit. I would probably say something to the Moms...like, I'm right here watching him. (I probably wouldn't do it in such a nice way though...).

Good luck.

Your son is a totally normal 3 year old boy. I have two boys (6 and 3) and get where you are coming from exactly but I do not generally have a problem with other Moms correcting my sons when it involves their child as long as the correction is not too harsh. I also have no problem telling other children to correct their behaviour if it involves my kids safety and if I feel the parents are not correcting their child, I do not talk harshly to others children just calmly ask them to stop whatever they're doing wrong.
Although our children are acting completely normally for their age we still have to correct their behaviour otherwise how will they learn. If you do not want other moms talking to him harshly you could ask them to discuss any issues they have with you and then you can address them with your son however you feel is appropriate. Also let them know you are aware his behaviour may not be acceptable at times but you are working on it with him.
Lastly you mentioned he is like this when in a group situation and it is quite probably that he's also feeling he's not getting the attention he wants from mom and dad so acts out more than he usually would. Both my boys have been through this stage so it's not just that he was the first born it's just he's still unable to comprehend that the smaller kids are a little more fragile/unstable than him. Maybe if you talk to him before you get into the group situation, tell him your expectations and consequences of bad behaviour it could help prevent the other moms feeling the need to correct him.
It's tricky dealing with other moms and with our own kids behavioural issues as they're learning the right way, hang in there he'll get it soon enough.

My daughter was getting pushed around by another child at playgroup. Once I yelled just before she knocked her in the head with a toy... the other mom was out of the room... I wasn't the only one who was having trouble. I just yelled "hey" and then said nothing else (it was a gut reaction).

Anyway, this opened a discussion for us (not the right way to get one open). She was busy with a new baby and not paying enough attention. I offered to help with the baby so that she could have more time to help her daughter through this bad spot. Then, when my second came along... I had to ask her for the same thing, since my daughter was going through the problem that hers had just been through.

Maybe you can talk to the other mom's and explain that you have noticed some undesirable behavior and could they help you with the younger one, so that you can keep a closer eye on your son, and stop him before he acts out. Just a thought, keeps the blame off everyone, and shows them you are trying, and working on it. Boys are active, but they can learn effective ways to get their energy out.

Hi S. -

I often find that correction from another adult confirmed by Mom (and disciplined by Mom if needed) goes a little farther than if just Mom says something to them. It has a bit of the embarrassment factor as well as teaching the child to respect his elders and follow directions from other adults besides Mom or Dad. You can't see everything 100% of the time and that extra pair of eyes may come in handy someday. For all parents it's a learning experience and when you correct someone elses child you are also teaching your own child at the same time. Keep working with him about the appropriate behaviors and he will eventually catch on. You're doing fine. Other Mom's know how hard it is with a 3 year old, I'm pretty sure they're just trying to help, not looking down on you. Besides, you shouldn't worry about what they think. You are doing what you think is right and they have no grounds to doubt you. They don't live with YOUR 3 yr old.

Good luck - S.
Mom to 3 special needs boys

Hi S.,
Are these people strangers or friends that say things to your son? When I get together with my friends at a playgroup I never mind if they say something if one of my kids are doing something wrong. They love my kids and if they are saying something to them it is probably because they could get hurt with what they are doing.

If we are at a park or playing at the mall and a stranger says something to one of my kids I just tell them that I am right here and I will take care of it. I have only had to do that once. When we play somewhere I am very vigilant at watching my kids. My youngest sometimes can be rough so I watch him carefully.

On the flip side, I have said something to other peoples kids. Sometimes when we go to the childrens museum or the mall there seem to be kids there without parents. The last time we were at the mall there was a child there that kept pushing down my son and I kept looking around to find his parent but I couldn't figure out who it was. So I asked him nicely to leave my son alone and that it's not nice to push. I'm not saying you are one of those parents but maybe if someone says something to your child they don't realize you are there watching him. That's why I would say something nice first. If they kept doing it then I would tell them to stop. Good luck. It can be hard sometimes.

Chris

Hi S., I am in a very similar situation, my son is 4 and my daugther is 16 mos he turned 3 a month after she was born, but until then he was the youngest on both sides of the family and all the kids he played with were all older so he had to be tougher to make it ant he has a cousin that is 3 yrs older and would dictate to him everything he was to do and what toys he could play with. I am now seeing the same type of behavior is my son not all the time, but occassionally, and he is just 4 yrs old, he doesn't understand, that his sister can wrestle with him and that just because he is old he is not the "parent". Your son is only 3 and he has gone thru a huge life change himself, I talked to my son's preschool teachers last year because he had some issues at school and they advised me to let him work thru it that people can not expect a 3 yr old who has been the only person in mommy and daddy's life, to understand this new baby and that the simplest change in his life may cause behaviors. As far as other parents go, I totally agree with you if you are in the room you do the discipline, and if you feel that some one has over stepped you simply say to them, i will handle this but thank you for brining his behavior to my attention. Don't worry about how others think you are handling your child, quite frankly it is none of their business. I find myself being more harsh with my son too, then I feel bad because I wonder if he thinks he can ever do anything right, because in his eyes he's only "playing" he is not trying to be mean. It sounds as if your son does the samething. Good luck to you, he's yours you love him and you do what you think is right with him. If another mother takes offense because you'd rather be the one redirecting your child, I would say that is her problem and not yours, I personaly would never be offended by that.