Advice for Toddler Playgroup "Bully" Issues

Have a "Love and Logic" book study! Everyone can learn together and no one is singled out.

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I'm the mom of a former playgroup bully! My "darling little angel" would take toys away, hit, push, etc. when he was about 18mos-2 yrs. I was always pretty harsh with him (I'd hold him down in a timeout if I had to), but I'd enevitably end up embarrassed at the end of playgroup. Eventually, however, he grew out of it. He still has the occassional issue, but for the most part, we're over those days.
Hopefully, the little guy in your playgroup will also grow out of this. In the meantime, don't be afraid to stand up for your kids. If I was attending to my daughter, or talking, or for whatever reason missed something my son did, I fully expected one of the other moms to tell him firmly, "No hitting" or whatever it was. Sometimes, it helped for him to hear it from another mom, and it never bothered me (except for being embarrassed over my son's behavior). I'd say to do the same to the little guy in your playgroup. You shouldn't be the one to put him in timeout, but don't be afraid to speak firmly to him, take a toy back if he's taken one from your child, etc. If the mom gets upset with you, just explain that all the moms in the playgroup are in this together, so you all need to help each others' kids play well together.

Dear E.:

The little "bully" may know that he is in trouble, but may not know what to do instead. The other mother may be relieved if you help instruct the little boy on what to do. For example, if you see him looking mad or frustrated , you can tell him so. This way he can learn to use words to express his feelings. If he hits you can say, "Use your words. No hitting!" and then praise him if you catch him saying his words like "I'm mad!" Even saying "Give me that!" is an improvement - he is using words. Then you can start teaching him about taking turns.

I used a timer with even my very young children to teach them to take turns. They aren't supposed to understand yet, but by 20 months old, my younger one even brought the timer to me when a little boy tried to push my older son off of the hobby horse. The boy quickly learned that he would get his turn (this boy had been kicked out of 6 day-cares).

Statring at about age 2, I put my children in time-out not for punishment, but to think. They could get out when they came up with an acceptable alternative to their behavior. My very bright older son had to think of three things that he could do instead of the "bad" behavior (I did not know that most children could not do this at that age). Soon they were stopping and thinking before they acted!

I hope that everyone can come together in a helpful manner. My children could be a handful sometimes, so I know how wonderful it is to have women on your side and to get extra help and support. Perhaps you can lead by example without a big conversation.

PS. Some of the other moms got mad at me, but the way I got my son to stop grabbing toys from other children was to teach him to find a toy the other child would like and show it to them. If the child took it and dropped the desired toy, my son picked it up. If the child did not, he politely asked for it - and they always gave it to him - they were focused on the new toy. You could pull the little boy aside and teach him this "trick".

Good Luck :-)
Jen

E.,

I understand your reason for concern. I happen to be on the other end of that situation. My son was and still is considered a "bully" at times. Some kids are more prone to aggressive behavior. We have tried everything with him, including behavior therapy. My suggestion is to gently talk to the mother. Let her know that you have seen this as an increasing problem. Bring it to her in a matter that shows your desire to help the situation. A child with aggressive behavior needs to have interactions with other children in order to correct the negative behavior. The mother needs to be on FULL GUARD at the play dates. She needs to be able to take immediate action when an offense occurs. That might mean she needs to be on the floor with the child. She needs to be aware that the problem will only increase if proper attention is not given. I think it's important that you do not alienate this child from the group, but work together to train him with the proper skills to make good choices. Otherwise, this will start as a negative pattern of rejection. You and your children will be faced with all types of children; not all of them will be what you consider “normal”. You never know if this is the onset of something bigger than just a “bully” scenario. If the mother continues to ignore the situation, that’s a completely different story. She needs to be actively involved or it won’t work.

These are my thoughts. I hope all the advice you receive will equip you to make the right decision.

Best wishes to you,
D. H.

Hi E.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It's a difficult thing, we have been in the very same situation. We recently joined a playgroup and the very first time we attended, there was a little 19month old boy, taking toys away from my almost 3yr old, and pushed my 18 month old down to the floor twice and made him cry. Honestly, I didnt' know what to do. The mom did exactly like you said, put him for a timeout, but in the blink of an eye he was running around doing the same thing. I don't think he stayed very long. Well I was very concerned, but I have not seen them since. I think, if it should happen again, I will firmly say to the little boy, "no, no, you need to be a sweet boy, you don't push or take toys away" that may scare him a little and maybe he will watch before he comes near my kids. I know he is little, but someone has to show him what he is doing isn't correct, and although I'm not his mother, I have to protect my boys, and at the same time show my boys "that behavior" is unacceptable, before they begin to learn it.

Tough situation! I don't think the "all of you talk to her" scenario is good at all! Think how you'd feel if you were the one who was being "cornered." I think I'd just talk to the mom one-on-one and let her know your concerns, maybe saying, "I'm not sure if I'm the only mom who feels this way, but I've noticed...." I agree with the mom who said if/when you do that to come armed with suggestions and support. Maybe she knows this problem exists but doesn't know what to do about it. You never know, by your being kind and supportive, you may make a lifelong friend, for you and your own child, too! Good Luck!

Maybe I'm selfish and overprotective of my kids, but when a kid in our former playgroup in SA was bullying my kids with words and physical agression (one time this child did a running tackle on my son almost knocking the wind out of him or the time he repeatedly told my son what a "bad boy" he was while the mom said to her little bully, "Oh, (insert child's name), that's not nice." Never any consequences)- we stopped attending the groups. Mainly because my son, who was 2-3 at the time, began screaming and crying because he didn't want to go. I have no doubt in my mind that this mother is embarrassed and upset that her child is doing this, but, obviously timeout aren't working. If I have to correct my kids multiple times around other kids or in public, we leave- period, end of discussion. We also leave if other children don't behave (or the parent is neglecting to correct the behavior). I let my children know that some behaviors are not tolerated by us- if we don't like it we leave. Not only does it show my kids that we don't put up with it, they know others will leave them if they don't behave.

Our playgroup broke apart because of this child. Some moms felt she was doing everything she could to keep this child in check and felt sorry for her, but others of us felt that she wasn't doing enough. It is a tough call. After the playgroup broke apart, we were at a birthday party and this mom introduced me to her husband as "the mother of the boy who is afraid of their son". "I just don't understand why!" She actually said this in all seriousness and with a straight face. That is when I knew we made the right decision to stop attending.

Bottomline is, you are your child's parent. You have to protect them when they cannot protect themselves. Disciplining other people's children is hard, but if you have that understanding with the other moms- it can help. I allow other mom's to "get after" my kids and then I support the other mom. Maybe that is all this kid in your playgroup needs, another mom to tell him to stop.

Good luck!

We're in this situation now, but after 2 1/2 years, the child we know has only gotten worse. It got to the point where the child almost broke my son's neck with a heavy, sledgehammer-like toy (the child whacked it over my son's head). We tried to see them occasionally, and it got worse & better. My husband & I then noticed that our son started getting more aggressive, and he was picking up those behaviors. So we've stopped playing with the child. Good luck!

E.-

I would get together with all of the other mothers, and talk to her about this. Let her know that all of your children have had (and continue to have) problems with this child, and that she needs to put an end to it. If this child can't play with your kids without hurting them, then I would relocate the playgroup, and not even tell her about it. Good Luck!

I would speak with the mother or have the organizer of the group speak to the mother. This is a situation that needs to be nipped in the bud. You can try to avoid and dance around the issue but it won't work completely.
You can call her each time her kid does something. "Hi your son hit my daughter again. Can you help me your son took away my sons toy."...
Good Luck

E.,
I have read most of the responses and agree 110% with Alison and Robyn. I will share with you my little girl was a "pusher" during this age and I did a lot of research on it. It is completely age appropriate behavior and if someone had come to me and said, "we all think..." it would not have helped, only hurt! It would have ruined long standing relationships and only made me defensive...which would not have helped curb any behavior. To be fair to the other mother, I have to urge you to not label her little one.

I love the suggestion to structure the play date. Crafts or time to roll balls to each other or snack times are awesome ideas. I used to be a preschool director and kiddos love to have structure and times to be kiddos together with lots of parental involvement. Use the play dates as that...time for the kids to get together in an environment that is beneficial and fun for them, not just a social time for the mommies.

Good luck and I know it's not an easy position for any of you to be in.
C.

This is tough, Try and put yourself in her position, and think of what you would do differently then what she is when the bulling is taking place. Then think of how you would want to be approached. If anything just flat out say: ”you have an issue you feel needs to be addressed and you don’t know how to bring it up without someone feeling attacked”. Remember, when you do approach her try to have some suggestions she can try. Explain that the playgroup is not only for the kids to play, but for the mother’s to give each other support/help when needed. I wish you well with this, and let me know how it went.

I went through this with my playgroup also. So don't worry, this is totally normal for some kids to go through (it seems like there is one in every playgroup), but that doesn't mean the behaviour should be allowed. Along with the problem child, the mother was never paying attention. She used our playgroup time for mommy time as a break from her kid.

What we did was come up with 'rules' for the playgroup. It was more like coming up with a structure for the group. ie, free play, craft, lunch... We added the craft as a way to help the kids interact productively. The mom whose house it was at came up with a little craft project, and she coordinated it that day. But when we came up with the rules, we talked about how the kids needed to share, and when they didn't, we all agreed that any of the moms can correct any of the children.

That was the main thing for our group. We all felt helpless to do anything about this other kid. Nobody wanted to offend the other mom, but once we all agreed that it was okay to correct each other's kids(and the parameters for doing so-firm voice and timeouts only), then things began to go much better in the group. I agree with one of the other moms who said that sometimes it makes a bigger impact when it comes from a different parent. Kids need to learn good behaviour and if it won't come from their own mom, then maybe he can learn it from the other moms in the group. After all, we're all in this together! Good luck!

I don't think you need to label a 19 month old a bully. I also don't want parents assuming that if they see another kid hitting, pushing, taking toys that they will do the same. It's age appropriate but needs to be curbed quickly, with parent support and guidance.

If you feel like you can't have your child play with the older child then just don't go. Pick a different time and place to meet the others. Unless their child is causing harm to your child I don't think it's your place to say anything. I would suggest not discipling someone else's child unless they have granted that permission to you.

Pushing, hitting, biting, and taking things are quite normal at this age, and perhaps your child isn't quite old enough to do these things, yet. When he/she does then you will understand how this mother feels. I do agree that this mother needs to take better hold of the situation.

Sharing is not an age appropriate expectation and neither is playing together. Parallel play (playing next to but not with) each other and taking turns may be appropriate. You do not "share" your car, house, etc. with anyone. Most children don't know how to handle disappointment and anger and do so with acting out. They can learn to control it, but that lies on the shoulder of the parents until the child is old enough to know better.

I think it a little strange to expect children this age to get along for very long before someone wants a toy or climbs over another unsuspecting child because he sees something he wants. They have no concept of respect for others at this age. It has to be taught. If you don't feel the other mother is teaching her son in the appropriate way then don't spend time together. A one minute time out is a good punishment, but is maybe used too often and without any explanation, and I think he needs to see how much fun others are having without him. (Also, ask your friend if she minds if you tell her when he does something like push or take things. If she is okay with it then you are merely telling her what you are seeing and she will most likely respond to him quickly if she knows you are waiting to see what happens.)

Remove your child from the situation before it affects their self esteem. Your priority is your child's feelings and being an advocate for your child, not the feelings of the other mom in your group.