Manners - Other People's Kids

In my house, kids are expected to follow my rules and I have no problem telling them, "We don't do that in this house." If they tell me they do it at home, I tell them that they are not at their home, they are at mine, and we don't do that here. If they can't behave, they and their parents are not invited back.
If other people's kids don't behave at home and the behavior is intolerable to me, I simply decline invitations.

I absolutely correct my friends' kids. And they correct mine. That is the kind of relationship we have, so nobody has any issues with it.

Correct them firmly, but kindly. Children should not be allowed to run amok, ruining an adult social event. They need to be reined in or kicked outdoors.

I absolutely correct other people's children in my house! My house, my rules. In my house we are respectful of other people and other people's property. I correct gently at first, getting more stern if they don't listen. I also don't hesitate to remove toys. I may bring what is being done to the attention of the parent first, so that they can make the correction. But if they are running in my house, then I don't hesitate to tell all of them to please stop.

In other people's homes I don't correct other people's children unless they are directly affecting my child. I also correct my own child. For example, if the kids are running in the house, I may remind my own child that we don't run in other people's homes, but I would not correct another person's child if they weren't saying anything. I would correct another person's child if they were taking a toy away from my child or being too physical.

I would correct other people's children if I saw they were endangering themselves or others or breaking a law. For example, I saw a child take a candy bar and put it under her shirt. I alerted the mom right away (who didn't see it). I also would correct a child that is doing something dangerous, or running with scissors or some such thing.

In all other situations, I would bring what the child is doing to the attention of the parent. I might say "did you know that Susie is taking toys away from her younger brother?" If the parent then chooses not to do anything, then that's on them.

If I was at dinner in another person's house and their 5 year old was climbing on my chair, I would probably correct them in a very casual way. I might say "Wow, you're a little monkey! Let's save the climbing for outside because I'm trying to eat right now. How about you go see what the other kids are doing?"

I really think it's all in how you do it. If you are nice about it, then others won't be offended.

Of course you can correct them, Sally and Bobby there is no wrestling in the house, Johnny please don't climb on my chair and can you please share your toy with Billy?
I don't see the big deal, I have done this frequently.
When parents don't speak up the behavior will continue until SOMEONE does. It takes a village!

Yes, I correct other people's children in my house. It seems common for parents to ignore their children while visiting. And......often my rules are different than theirs. For example I would not allow wrestling/running wild and if the parent didn't stop it, I'd stand in front of them and say, in a good natured tone of voice, that this is not allowed in my house. Hopefully the parents would be near by and reinforce what you said. If not and the behavior continued I'd quietly take the parent aside and tell her/him that the rules in my home are such and such. I'd be diplomatic but direct.

As to a situation in someone else's house such as yours, I'd stop the action because it was directly affecting me and my child. I'd only intervene at someone else's house when the action directly affected me.

I know my kids aren't perfect. I had lunch with another mom just this past week and had to "talk" with my kids several times...they were excited they hadn't seen the other kids since the 4th of July and had "a lot to talk about"....

that being said - my kids are at the table while we are the table. If they are done eating - great - you may go into another room or outside while the adults are having conversations.

Taking toys from another's hands? Sorry - my kid or not? I would stop that right in its tracks. I would take the toy from the child who took it and tell them that they need to ASK for the toy when someone else is playing with it.

In my house, it's my rules. Yes. I will correct another person's child. If they are doing something that we don't allow - it's REALLY SIMPLE - "Johnny, we don't allow that in our home." I have not run across a child or parent that has a problem with that.

Good luck!

I think parents need to learn how to handle other people correcting their own kid... with grace. I don't think if others are unreasonable but most parents are not unreasonable (that you would want to hang out with, I assume). I agree though, my house, I correct kids if I need to and everyone usually chimes in. In another house, I don't know the rules so I tell my kids to keep it on the low and let the hostess tell us if it's okay or not. Other kids, unless they are endangering, again, you have to leave them be. We usually even let our kids work out their own problems with each other and only step in if it's a major issue. At that point, everyone gets time out for not being able to be nice to each other. No fingers pointed, they all are playing, they are all responsible. But I can do that because it's usually just my sisters or one best friend's house or grandmas. Ahem... at grandma's, grandma is queen....

In my house, it's our rules that come first, much like I teach my son that when we go visit, we need to be considerate for *that* family's rules.

For example, if kids were running around at my house, I'd likely try to step in in a positive way: "Oh, I see you are done eating. You are welcome to sit at the table and listen, I can bring you some paper and crayons or I can get out (age appropriate activity-- say, bristle blocks). We have walking feet in our house, so figure out where you want to settle down, now." If that still was being ignored, I might ask the parents "do you want to take the kids for a quick walk? We really don't have room for running around in here."

It is ideal that we expect the parent to correct the child, but I think we've all had experiences when parents were either checked out or just ignoring bad behavior. I don't, and I don't feel it's in good service to the children, either. During playdates, even when parents are present, I always review the rules and address all the kids in this way.

I'm also very matter-of-fact that general 'good behavior' guidelines need to be met. Not picky about precise manners, but I will send all the kids, one by one, to go wash their hands and use the bathroom before a meal or help direct all the children in cleaning up. I think that if we aren't shy and just treat it as "this is how we do it " instead of "Your kid needs your attention, they're being a pain", it goes over better.

If I'm a guest at someone else's house, I do have basic rights there too, and so does my child. If a kid was climbing on my chair in the way you describe, I'd simply say "Oh, I'm using this chair now. You'll need to find another place to play." If my child was preverbal and couldn't speak for himself, I'd speak for him "Oh, Kiddo was holding that. If you want to use it, ask me please, and I'll help you so you can offer him a trade." My son is older and I more or less encourage him to speak up for himself...or if the company is unpleasant, we can find something for him to do close to me (workbook, coloring). I also have no problem with saying "Oh, well, it's probably time for us to go-- looks like the kids are timing out with the boring grown up talk!" and leave it at that.

At 42, I'm sort of in the "you can like it or lump it" perspective about these sorts of things. Your precious angel has no more right than mine, or the adults, to have a pleasant time. And if their parent has some inhibition or philosophy that impedes them from expecting common courtesy from their children-- let's just say that I am not suffering from the same affliction. I'll help where I can, and be as positive about it as I can, offering choices and reasonable options, but I'm not a shrinking violet. And I don't want my son to think that it's appropriate to just get walked all over 'to be nice'. ugh. So if I've done my best, offered choices politely and pleasantly and a parent who ignored their kid chooses to take offense-- well, too bad, huh? Life's too short....

Oh, and here's an article I really liked on Mamas On Call pertinent to the subject:
http://mamasoncall.com/2012/12/my-house-my-rules/

Yup! I correct children if they are acting foolish.
In my house you are allowed to run around and be crazy, so it doesn't bother me at all. BUT, we have friends who don't like that, so I make sure to let my kids know that they have to tone it down. AND, I tell my friends to say to my kids, "Hey, I know you guys are wild at home, but we take it down a notch here" so that they hear it from them as well.
BUT, if kids were in my home acting crazy (jumping on beds, swearing, whatever) then I would have NO PROBLEM saying something to the child. Parent doesn't like it? Parent should parent.
If we were out to eat at a restaurant and some FIVE YEAR OLD was climbing all over my chair and snatching toys out of my kid's hand then I would have NO PROBLEM saying, "Hey, Tommy. Get off my chair. Stop taking toys from the baby." If he continued I would actually pick him up off my chair. Parents don't like it? They should parent their kid then.
If my kids were acting a fool then I would be all over them, but if they were sneaky misbehaving then I expect that someone would tell them to cut it out. And then when we got home there would be some extra chores.
But, that's just the way I parent.
L.

I have no problem telling children how it is at my home. And if I am at some where besides my home and a kid was climbing all over my chair. I would ask him not to do it. I might even tell him to go climb his mothers chair, I might even give him THE look. You all know that look. Get off my chair look.

Your house, your rules. If the parents won't correct, then you are more then reasonable in gently correcting in YOUR home. I would only correct someones kids in their home if they were bothering/affecting me, or if they were going to hurt themselves or break something. But again, gently.

If the parents don't get the hint and they don't change THEIR behavior, be gently direct about it. If it doesn't stop, then you have to stop inviting them as a family.

In your house, yes. (Unless it's your boss's kids or your husband's boss's kids.) It's trickier in their house. If it gets bad and your child is being bullied, leave early. If the person asks why, tell them that your child needs to go home.

I think if their 5 year old were climbing all over you, that I would have gotten up out of the chair and picked my toddler up to get away from the "fray". Surely the mom or dad would realize that this was too much, if you are standing there holding your child and not sitting back down.

In your house, all this wrestling is just an accident waiting to happen. Sometimes putting a quiet movie on (not boring enough for them to start running around the house) will be enough to calm them down. Once they are calm, sit down with them and tell them that you don't want wrestling in your home and they need to remember that this isn't their house. They are old enough - especially the 7 year old.

If you talk nicely to them and stay with them until they are listening to you, it should help. Sitting down in the floor with them might help keep their mom from getting into a snit about it. If you are sitting on the floor with them, you aren't paying attention to her. Sitting on the floor with them will also keep it from seeming like you are fussing at them. If she wants for you to keep talking to her, then this way, she will have to help coral her kids, or you will continue to go over and sit on the floor with them to keep them calm.

Good luck with this.
Dawn

Boy do I hear you on this one...seems there are lots of behaviors that are tolerated that I would not put up with.

We lay down ground rules at the very start (whether a playdate or if I'm chaperoning for school thus other kids are in my car). I keep it simple and firm. Also, instead of a huge list of things they can't do, you can state what they can do. Also state the consequences, such as, "You may play in Ben's room with the door open. If I see or hear anyone jumping on the bed, everyone is kicked out of Ben's room for the rest of the night and you will then play out in the living room where we can see you." Or, "I'll put in this video for you kids to watch and make you some popcorn. If there is (name prior offense such at throwing popcorn), I will turn the TV off for the rest of the night". I then give a sincere smile and a simple encouragement such as, "I'm sure you'll have fun and make great choices".

At other people's houses it gets tougher. I have to remind my kids on the way over that I still expect our family rules to be followed. "Kids, I know Suzy and Tommy are allowed to jump off their couch. I still expect you to follow our family rules. Just because they do it is not a green light for you to do it. If you can't stick with our rules in their home, you're telling me with your behavior that you're not ready for play dates in their home."

I wish more Moms were like you...then I wouldn't have to 'detox' my kids after those gatherings! Good luck.

Your house, your rules. Even when it's someone else's children. Period. Full stop. I have no problem correcting someone else's child in MY home.

sure, it SHOULD be on the parents. but bottom line - your house, your house rules. "guys we don't run in the house". i would have no problem saying that. if the parents do, just look at them just like they are kids themselves- "sorry, we don't run/wrestle/rough-house here- this house is just so old and noisy it shakes the whole house and really makes it hard to hear conversation." (obviously they didn't get it when the kids were told.)

in other peoples' house...hmm. well in their house, if it is their child, that's trickier. i might try to gently correct the child to see if the parent steps up ("honey, we shouldn't snatch toys, you can ask nicely and i'm sure she will share!" or "oh honey i don't think you should get behind my chair like that, i wouldn't want to squish you!") if the unruly behavior persists, at least you said something. if the parent then chooses not to step in and control their child, i don't feel it is our place to pursue it. you stated your opinion, obviously they don't agree, you know? making an issue of it won't do anything but cause drama. i just would avoid going to their house/spending time with their kids in the future. just my opinion....

It is up to you to let children who come into your home know what the rules are in your home. It is not fair to assume that they or the parents know what is and isn't appropriate in your home. If the boys are wrestling and you don't ask them not to, then they would assume it is allowed. In someone else's home I might correct a child, but I might also ask "is Jonny allowed to stand on the table?" before I say something.

My house, my rules, my space, my rules ... bottom line I have equal expectations of everyone. My son has serious difficulties with his behaivor and MANY times he is actually the one who is complimented because he likes to live up to the expectations. Many times my son stops and corrects kids before I do.

So, to answer your question "How do you handle it when other people's kids are behaiving inappropriately and the parents don't do anything?" I do what I always do, set expectations and boundaries and hold them accountable.

My house, my rules. I have no problem telling other people's children to not do X when they are at my house. In fact, when my daughter and her friends were all young 3s, I even had a "before you can play outside, you have to go potty rule."

It depends on the situation. I intervene in cases involving unsafe or unkind behavior. In my home when our property can be damaged, I will also intervene as nicely as I can (e.g., "We don't jump on the couch in our house" or "That's an inside toy").

Judgment calls in a neutral location or someone else's house and the parent is not around, I'll say, "I'm not sure your mom would like that." If I see something and the parent does not, I'll usually ask the parent, "Are you ok with that?" Even if they are, it lets them know that I'm not really. If, however, a child is doing something I know that the parent sees and is just not correcting and it's not otherwise directly affecting me or my kids, I just let it go and concentrate on making sure that at least my children make good choices.

With extreme behavior, I am very passive aggressive. If a child is climbing on the back of my chair, I would turn my body around, ask the child loudly "should you be climbing there? that isn't safe, is it?" and then I would look the parents right in the eye. Most of the time the parents correct the kids. If they don't, then I consider that child invading my space and I ask him to please not climb on anything I'm currently sitting in.

If the kids are making alot of noise and noone can hear each other, I just pretend I really can't hear them. I talk really loud, lean forward, hold my hand to my ear, and ask people to repeat themselves, especially the parents. Believe me, the parents will get more sick of having to repeat themselves than listening to their kids screaming and yelling.

I never ever correct other children. Most parents these days are big babies themselves and don't like any kind of criticism no matter how good your intentions. Extreme dangerous situations are another matter altogether. You are a mother and a human...its only natural instinct to see bad behavior and want to correct it.

I agree with Suz T's response. I would address the problem directly with the child. I have never been in a situation where the parent did not back me up. If they didn't, then I would likely not hang out with them any longer. On the flip side, I expect others to do the same when my children are in their home, and most of my friends (if not all) do.

I am not a patient enough person to tolerate a child that is misbehaving in my house, and if I'm in someone else's house, if the child is bothering me, I will still say something - e.g. "hey guys, quiet down" (in a firm, but nice tone), and usually I get a "yeah" of sorts, in agreement from the other child's parent.

I do have a problem with screaming kids of any age. That high-pitched loud squeal is like fingernails on a chalk board to me, and I sometimes feel like I am the only one that is bothered by it. I have a couple friends who's kids do this (mostly girls of any age, or toddlers of any gender), and I do struggle with how to handle it, since it's not any sort of safety thing, and I realize it doesn't bother the parent (just me)...

i'll say to the child directly 'please don't do that' and if they don't comply, ask the parents to intervene.
however, if the parents didn't back up my original request, they'd never be asked back.
a little stickier in someone else's house. but basically the same. in that situation i'm apt to let kids sort it out themselves unless one child is getting upset. often things that bother us (toys getting snatched) are fine in the kid hierarchy. we tend to 'teach' them to get upset by endlessly intervening.
khairete
S.

In my house, children behave the way I expect them to or they simply don't come to my house. Fortunately, any friends I have ever had over have children who behave, because we are essentially on the same wave length. There is one family who lives down the street who we invited over ONCE to a barbecue...and we were so embarrassed, because their kids were awful and they're yelling and being trashy (eeesh...) and our other friends are looking at us like, "Why did you invite these people over?" Needless to say, never again. These children are also not allowed to play in our yard anymore, because they cannot seem to follow our rules.

I will correct other people's children only if they aren't there to do it themselves. If they are there, observing the behavior, again, I am fortunate enough to have friends who discipline the same behaviors I do. I wouldn't be comfortable being friends with people who have such a different view on discipline, because chances are we wouldn't have much else in common either.

Well first off some kids cannot sit still and each person has his own manners. If a 5 year old was climbing over the back of a seat I was on . She is only 5 I'd be like who is the big girl who is such a monkey and I'd have spent some time speaking with her. As for the wrestling, some kids especially boys, have a hard time sitting still. Mine knows not to misbehave and not to eat the junk food other individuals are serving. Good example when my daughter was 5 she went with her dad to the inlaws who left bowls of chocolate around the house. My daughter of course got into all of them because she was told to help herself. Granted her father should have gotten hold of her but you know he is a guy sometimes no clue. Anyway her being hyper already and 5 pounds of chocolate you can imagine what happened. When I went up next time and his sister in law made a point about it. I ,of course even before she said anything, stopped my daughter from going to all the chocolate bowls ( which my daughter answered its ok mom Auntie and Daddy said it was o k) and made sure she only drank stuff with no to much sugar. The in law though when she saw me correcting my daughter's made a point of pointing out how bad she was the last time with not being able to sit still etc I pointed out that my daughter gets hyper off of sugar and she is already hyper so with all this chocolate around its no wonder she went crazy. My daughter has said since that conversation when she goes up with her father the chocolate bowls are empty except for a piece or two and she doesn't get in trouble so much anymore which she likes.

I just stop hanging out with them.

No, I never say anything. Ever. I never correct other people's kids unless they are putting someone in danger or something. I stop hanging around kids who act that way though. It's a different parenting style and won't ever be resolved. I know how much work and discipline it took to have my kids to the point of behaving well. If people haven't done that, there really isn't any remedy from your brief admonishment, and the parents will just resent you for being uptight to their little darlings. If parents have raised kids who can't behave around the table or whatever, me telling them to probably isn't going to be effective anyway. Sometimes I'll correct my own kids, and when they say, "But Johnny's doing it" I'll say, "well you're not allowed to" in front of the parents. Sometimes they try to tone down their own kid, sometimes not.

I would have ignored the climbing 5-year-old (NO SELF CONTROL AT FIVE??! FOR GOSH SAKES) and if the parents thought that was OK, it would be the last time they came over.

In my house yes, in their house...as much as I would like to, no.

You can however ask for respect between you and the child. I always have gum in my purse and my daughter's friend likes to get it from my purse. I have corrected that and told her she has to ask. So they ice skate together and this little girl never practices during practice time. This is something the kids don't want to drop, but their parents pay for, so when she asks for gum, I tell her, "Go practice and I will give you a piece of gum after I see you practice at 1:00.

Normally, the dad hands them a dollar after they climb on him and ask over and over. He just tries to shoe them off to go skate.

if the kids are at your house and if the parents aren't saying a word about the monkeying around then i would say something. if out and about i don't see how you can.

I definitely correct them in my house. In their house, unless they are physically bothering me (like climbing up the back of my chair) I leave it to the host. If they get hurt in their own home, it's one thing, but if they get hurt in mine, it's another.

YOU make the rules in your house. If they are running and you don't allow that, simply say "Running is for outside the house." If you are at someone else's house, I go by whether the parents are nearby. If the parent is not in the room, I will handle it myself, but if they are right there, then I ignore it unless it's hurting me or my kids.

If it happens at your house you have the right to correct the child by saying to them that you don't allow that in your house. I have had to do this on several occasions, because I teach music lessons out of my house, and the siblings come and the parents just let them run around and make a mess. At first I felt bad and unsure about it, but then after a few times, and being tired of cleaning up after someone else's kid, I decided that if I offended the parents oh well.

When it comes to other people's houses, the only thing I do is remind my children in front of the other adults how they are to behave, sometimes it works and they talk to their children, sometimes it doesn't work and we don't go back to visit.