Need Some Advice on How NOT to Become My mother....any Ideas?

Dear M.,

You are so brave and smart for putting that question out here for the brilliant Moms to answer and offer support.

You are at a perfect point...a cossroads...to break the chain and end a family legacy, because you don't want to be an "emotionally unavailable parent."

This is one of my areas of expertise. Please come do a free session with me. I would love to be of service to you.

XXOO, J.
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Patience, prayer, time, and letting go. It is such a hard process. I have been going through it myself. I have had to realize I do not have control. I think learning to praise God in the midst of whatever is wrong is helping me. I have had a hard year, but I have tried to see all the good God has done. I know all things happen for a reason and God will use even these worst of circumstance to help me grow. You can change, but it will take time. Learning to stop before speaking has been hard for me. I am still working on this. Learning to say positive things. It is so much easier to look at the negative and this only makes things worse. When we let go of the lack of control we have, and try to see the positive and say the positive it does help, but not overnight. We have built up patterns and habits and they are really hard to break. Be patient with yourself, and forgive yourself when you make mistakes. We are all doing our best to make things better for our families. Sometimes I think I try to overcompensate and make things worse.

Try to say positive things and believe them (even when you don't feel it). One thing I know is that we can't always trust our emotions, we need to stop worrying about the future and deal with the problems today. There is a verse about this. Not sure if this is your problem, but much of where I get myself into problems is I have a dooms day approach like it's always going to be this way, things aren't going to get better. Well,
who says it won't - it can if we believe God can help us. A lot depends on us letting go and letting God work in our circumstances. Doing this is not easy, this in itself is a minor miracle.

I will be praying for you M.. I wish you the best. God bless you, and be patient with yourself. I have told my children, I am changing and trying not to nag, but habits take awhile and I am not going to be perfect overnight.

Take care,
K.

Hi M.,

You will need to forgive your mother and yourself before being able to be present with your family. How you do that has to be your way. I've found peace with that in doing Native American ceremonies and other workshops with the intent of healing my connection with my Mom. If you're interested in that, message me privately. If that's not your thing, maybe church, Al-Anon (if your mom was an addict), counseling, writing her letters (that you may never mail), or just simply looking at a picture of her and talking out loud to her about your pain and working towards forgiveness with her might help.

When I notice myself taking things for granted, I take a suggestion from The Secret and write a list of all the things I am grateful for- about myself, my husband, my family, my job, my boss, etc. I post it by my bed and read it every night. It reminds me how wonderful my life is. We get used to how spoiled we are sometimes! :-)

Are you getting enough time to yourself to do things that you are interested in so that you are feeding yourself and aren't resenting your family? Me and my husband both make sure we have time to ourselves and dates- it works wonders for resentment.

My last suggestion is to read the book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It has worked wonders for my marriage. Maybe you don't feel fed because your husband isn't showing you he loves you in the way you understand it? He sounds like a wonderful man- that if he knows what you need he will give it to you. It also applies to children and might make your family happier as a whole.

Hope this helps!

Hi M., I work full time also and have a family and house, etc. I think something that may help that someone else posted about is to de-clutter your home. That may really help you also while you are working on the other issues. It's really made a difference in my own life to only have the things I really LOVE and NEED the kids have only the things they really LOVE and NEED. Sometimes I think too, what would I do if I didn't have my finace, or kids, or the home I live in, or the car I drive...etc. It makes me thankful for the people and things in my life and I try to appreciate each day. And if I'm down one day, I try to remember that tomorrow is a new day and start it fresh! I wish you the best! It's something we all have to work on!

For me I have found focusing on what is IMPORTANT to me has helped. For me being happy when I am with my husband and kids is one of the most important things. I looked at what was making me exhausted - staying up too late, not exercising, taking on too much, not planning time well. I started making my choices based on if it was on my important list or affected it somehow. For example, at the end of the day I am exhausted, I often sit down and watch TV - for 3 or 4 hours. Which then makes me go to bed late and feel lazy because I sat and watched TV for 3-4 hours. Now I try to make the choice of Do I watch TV real late, or do I go to bed on-time so that I will feel well rested and have energy to greet the day and my family. I have done this with sleeping, exercising, and am not trying to focus on having things more organized. I tackled each item separately and am trying to be wise about what I think is really important.

I know for me the negative things about my mother come out in me when I am tired, run-down, and feeling ineffective. When I focuses on what was really important and let go of the other things I found that I felt better. I still have some of the traits of my mother, they are just the positive ones now.

We create ourselves, for better or worse, by the choices that we make. It wasn't until a friend pointed out that I needed to examine if I was doing what I felt was most important. Once I did that, I have felt better about myself and my interactions with my family.
Good luck!

Hi M.,

I totally understand what you are going through. I see myself behaving like my mom on occassion and it just makes me so unhappy. I would recommend a couple books that really helped me. Joyce Meyer - "Battlefield of the Mind" is great for helping understand our thoughts and teaching us that we can control them and not BE controlled. Also, Kevin Lehman - "What your childhood memories say about you and what you can do about it" is very helpful. I read both and learned a lot. I would also say pray about it. God knows who you are and what the desire of your heart is. I am sure it is to be the best mom that you can. If you ask for his help, He will give you the strength to overcome negative behaviors.

God bless,

Hi M.,
I know that there are plenty of great responses already, but I thought I would just mention something that has helped to change my life. It's something called Energy Therapy and EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique. www.emofree.com is a website where you can watch a video about it. What I love about it is that you use your own intuition to understand what the issue really is, or a therapist can help you to do it, and then you release the negative energy and replace it with something else. EFT can be used on anything. It really works. I just do it myself when something negative comes up and get almost instant relief. Hopefully this helps! Let us know about your progress.

Hi M. -

The most important thing is that you are recognizing the habits you don't like in yourself. Each person reacts based on the memories they access - therefore, if you see your son or someone else do something you might have done as a child, your reaction will be based on how someone reacted to you when you were a child. You spoke of a "recovery" group - if you could be a bit more specific, I might be able to give you more specific information. If not, to be general, to change your actions you have to change your mind. It takes 28 days to renew the body from a cellular level, so it takes 28 days to change your life. Start by writing down the reactions you do not want to repeat, then rewrite the reaction the way you DO want to respond. Using index cards works for many. Read the positive statement cards every morning and every night. If one action is a particular problem, post the desired reaction on your bathroom mirror and read it everytime you are washing your hands or putting on your makeup. The more you repeat the statement of the action you desire, the more it will begin to attach to your subconscious and then become part of your conscious reactions.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger, HHP
Certified Life Coach

Therapy helped me. It's only been since the birth of my son almost 3 years ago that made me realize how I didn't want to be a parent like my parents. My parents are good people but had plenty of bad qualities I didn't want.

I went to therapy. I read books like "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves." "Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear, 2nd Edition"

Some of the books at this link were helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw_0_12?url=search-alia...

I don't know what applies to your situation of course, but some of those might be helpful.

I also identified what qualities I didn't want to emulate and worked hard on them. It's overly simple, but my son's birth brought back memories of bad habits in my childhood, and in therapy my counselor helped me work through how to change what I didn't like. I'm still a work in progress, but believe me I feel I've come a long way.

M.,
Perhaps you "treat every day like a burden" because it is!

Have you stopped to reconsider your lifestyle? How can a woman work outside the home all day and then come home to all her mother/wife/household duties without feeling like she is pulled and stretched so thin that she can't do any of it very well. It sounds like this is the type of mother you had (did she try to do it all as well?)

My question for you would be is this the life you want?
It sounds like you value your son and husband yet they truly are getting the short end of the stick. Of course you are exhausted and grumpy...there is no one in your home to make it a HOME!

I realize in this economy a lot of wives are having to work. I personally work 30 hours a week outside the home and another 10 hours freelance from inside the home. But I work outside the home in the middle of the night, sleep while the kids are at school and freelance while waiting for them at sports and dance classes. I am THERE, present, happy, loving and invested when they are there after school and in the evenings.

Perhaps you can find another job or schedule that would allow you more down time. The biggest blessing or change would be to be able to stay at home and concentrate your efforts there.
I hope I don't sound to idealistic or traditional but it sounds like you may have been short changed growing up with your mothers attitude and don't want to do the same thing to your son.
Talk it over with your husband...find some areas you can trim the fat in, rebudget, look at working part-time or not at all...make a home worth coming home to!
You sound like a very weary woman and I pray you will find a solution for yourself and your family.

Hi M.,
I help run a recovery group/program and tell my sponsees to remember.... It took more than a few months to get to this place they in, It will take more than a few months of working the program to get out. Stick with it. The program will work if you work it. If you need someone with a recovery background to talk to, please feel free to private message me on mamasource and I would be happy to give you my phone number. Press on, one day at a time.

Hi, M. -
Sorry you are struggling. My answer may seem trite, but sometimes being happy is simply a decision you make every day. So, too, is being grateful for what you have. I am 50 years old with three small children. On the days that I am exhausted to the max, tired of listening to the noise, and ready to scream from someone wanting something from me every second - I make a conscious decision to embrace the madness, count my blessings and be happy about it. How lucky am I to have three happy, healthy children who make so much noise? How many people who aren't able to have children would happily trade places with me? How many parents have children who are desperately ill would trade places with me so that it could be their child running, shrieking and jumping? How lucky that my husband has a job and we could afford to buy them those noisy toys that I want to throw out the window? When my husband has to work late and I feel like I can't go it alone for 10 more minutes at the end of a long day... would I rather he was unemployed? Would I rather be a single mother to three children?? Don't mean to sound all "Oprah-ish", but perhaps a gratitude journal would help. At the end of each day, write down all the things you are grateful for. Try to savor the small moments with your son. Remember that he won't be young for long and how much you will miss it. Just think that everything you feed his inquisitive mind will assist him in the future.
The daily grind can be a grind, I know, I know, but you are very lucky.
Best wishes to you and your family.

It sounds like maybe you just need to schedule some 'you' time. I know sometimes it's hard because you feel like you're ignoring your husband and child, but really how your feeling isn't very good for them right now. So try to at least once a week do something that just relaxes you. Lock the bathroom door and take a bubble bath, find some place quiet to read, or if you haven't been hurt by the economy go pamper yourself (go get your hair done, nails done, go to the spa). I had a hard time with that, but that silly little saying is true "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". The results will make you feel better and more open to taking care of the mundane things and spending time with your family and they will notice a big difference too and they will also be happier.

As far as acting like your mother ... well, I find myself doing that sometimes, but the only thing I can tell you is that when you catch yourself just stop and try to think of a better way to handle things.

I have worked very hard all my life to not be like my mother. Some of the best compliments I have had re parenting come from my girls who occasionally say, laugingly, I sound like my mother. I made mitakes but I never abused. That is the best any parent can expect of herself. Hang in there and find moral support wherever you can. Just remember to not beat yourself if you make a mistake. Everyone does. Good luck!

for years and years i hated being told that i looked like my mom, that i did things like my mom etc. my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 yrs ago and now i love being told i lokk like my mom, do things like my mom etc. i know i wont have her with me very long. you need to realize that you are your own person, this is a different era and things are different so no, you are not like your mom. it seems like you are jsut unhappy with yourself and you find taking the easy road better. you just need to stop and prioritize the things in your life and regroup and do things in a better way. i know its in you. maybe you are trying too hard. go to work? if you are unhappy with yoru work, why be there, lok for somethign that will make you happy not just somethign that is a paycheck. dont put your husband off, the last thing you need to do is alienate him, he is your rock. take time to do things for him, with him that you havent done in a long time. go on a date etc. with your discipline, look at it with a new face. dont try to brush it off. make a date with your kids one at a time and just spend time leistening and doing things with each one. youd be surprised at how much you enjoy them. you jsut have to make up your mind you are going to change things then do it. it doesnt do any good to be learning new thigns and trhowing them in the back of the closet. or are you prepared to lose everything you have? that would be incentive enough for me.

Hi M.- Write down what you are doing that makes you craziest. Take a normal day, and track how many times you do that behavior. Look at what sets you off and triggers your behavior. Are you too tired? Obsessive about housekeeping instead of people? That kind of thing. The object here is not to become not your mother, but to become you. Pick the behavior you do that you hate the most. What would the opposite of that behavior look like? However, you still need to take care of you and provide a supportive, structured environment for your child. What would be best for your son . . . and for you and your husband. Determine the substitute behavior utilizing the above questions.

Now, concentrate on that one issue every day for at least two weeks. You are trying to replace one behavior with another. You are not trying to be perfect- you want at least 75% of your dealings with your son and husband to be positive. When you feel that the new behavior is fairly 'set', pick the next most important, and address it. Some groups are supportive and positive, others are not. Pick where you wish to put your energy carefully. Benjamin Franklin, who ran a self-improvement project on himself for his entire life, can provide some inspiration in his Autobiography, if you are a reader. Make sure not to watch negative TV, read negative books; try to improve health habits. Good luck, and I hope it helps- S.

I hear ya, it's a hard thing not to repeat, that's why I believe that we have so many addicts and sexually abused kids, it gets handed down...
I believe that breaking the chain is hard and can be done, yet you're right in saying that ideas are easy and the practice (putting into play) is the hard part.
I think the first step is to acknowledge that we want to change. Second, what is it specifically that we want to change. Third, take one thing that you'd like to change (something simple/easy) maybe the way you say good morning to everyone.Even if you're feeling grumpy, commit to saying good morning to everyone, after a few months maybe commit to saying good morning and hugging everyone. Remind yourself that every day is new, doors will open and opportunities will be endless as you commit to evolving into someone you like.
best wishes, it's a lot of work...

The very BEST way to begin the process of finding out who YOU are, the person God created you to be, is through observation. Just the very act of being aware of what you are doing in a given moment, and not agreeing with that action (this is soul stuff I'm talking about), will begin the process of real change within. The reality is that all of us, and I mean ALL, have been traumatized by life to varying degrees, and take on the actions and behaviors of those with greater influence around us. We lose who we are and life has a hypnotic affect on us.

Real change occurs however, moment by moment, walking it out, knowing you want something better for yourself and your family. It isn't easy, but oh so worth while! God has placed within us all the gifts and resources we need to be who he wants us to be, but we have to spend time uncovering it.

I found a very simple observation exercise that has helped me become me, and choose to keep what is good about both my parents, and let go of those things that were harmful. You can download the exercise for free at http://www.fhu.com . It is very challenging at first to learn to be calm and responsive moment by moment, but it is so worth it when you consider the chaos and drama of living out of reaction to daily circumstances.

Most of us don't even know that we are imitators of the past, so you are very far ahead of the game already. Just don't give up - and live the life God planned for you.

You are one of those amazing, searching people! Don't give up.

THere is a type of meditation called Insight Meditation. It allows you to delve into yourself to get to the emotion behind the "issue". Anyway, here is the link so that you can receive a guided meditation in your home.
http://www.imcw.org/audio/audioarchives.html
The person leading the meditations is Tara Brach who besides being a psychologist, she is amazing. I was fortunate enough when I lived in the DC area to attend a few of her meditations. You might even be able to find a group local to you where there is someone who can guide you in a group setting. There is a group that meets here in Santa Fe.

Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Have you been watching Oprah this week? Log on and check it out. Where is your joy? What do you need to feel fulfilled? What is your purpose in life? You work, you have a child, you have a husband...what do you do for you? How are you filled with enough love/joy/peace in order to share with everyone you love and care for?

In your recovery group, are you connecting with the people there or you just going through the motions? You mentioned you are learning new "stuff", however does it actually apply to you? It is touching something deep within you, because if it is not, either you are not connecting or it is not the right fit for you.

Find what fills you and you will notice how much better you will feel. Best wishes!

I feel you!! I am currently finding my mother creeping into my daily life too! It is scary because I know how I felt and I NEVER want to make my children felt the way I did!! I am constantly vigilant, I get help (see someone), talk to my husband almost continuously about it, and take a break when I start to lose control of it!! I am happy to talk with you about it too!!

Change takes time and a lot of effort and more time. Continue to attend your group, read your book, and keep trying. Express your frustrations to your group and ask if anyone has any ideas for beginning the kind of change you want. It may help to do some individual counseling in addition to your group to get individual support and guidance on your path.

You CAN make these changes. You have reached the first two steps by wanting to make a change and beginning to take action. Be patient, it will come together. Good luck on your path.

Try to remember how it feels to be ALIVE. What interests you? Art? Music? Movies? Dancing? Whatever it is, do that and share it with your family. Fingerpaint, sing, do the hokey pokey or the bump. Then, be just as passionate about their passions. Make it the highpoint of your day. Study a country together, paint a room, play charades. How long can it take? For one hour every day, be ALIVE - and make it an hour near dinner - after hunger and before being exhausted. The rest of the day will seem happier.

A friend recently told me of plans to move for the third time in as many years. He lived in a lovely beach house with a magnificent view of the ocean. A labyrinth of hiking trails strewn with wild irises and poppies were at his front door. I asked why he might leave such a beautiful setting.

“Oh, I’m tired of it,” he responded indifferently. “It was great when I first moved in, but now it’s just the same old thing. I can’t see it anymore.”

“I can’t see it anymore.” How accurate the statement. He failed to notice the ocean. He walked by the flowers without so much as a glance. He thought of his home as merely a place to lay down his head. Living in paradise, he might just as well have resided at the city dump. Nine people out of ten would have jumped at the opportunity to rent my friend’s house, yet he did not appreciate its virtues.

Human beings have a curious capacity to take things for granted. The most exquisite diamond loses its luster with familiarity. The most compatible intimate becomes boring. Miracles like the daily sunrise fail to astonish because they’re commonplace! Repetition and time dull our sense of wonder.

We endow novelty with powers and attributes that it does not really possess. When a thing becomes familiar to us, the mystery we have projected onto it is lost. We see it without the overlay of our imaginings.

The irony in this idiosyncrasy of human character is that we are disappointed by the very things that used to excite us. The once new job, sexual partner, or leisure activity is now tedious. We feel let down rather than uplifted. Disappointment is a consequence of our expectation that an object or event will continue to provide us with stimulation regardless of how constant our contact. Unless we adjust our expectations accordingly, we will continue to feel deflated.

Anticipate boredom! But is this really a serious solution? Another alternative is to maintain a fresh perspective on the commonplace by living life with contrast. If my friend had spent time away from his ocean home, he would have returned to it with “new” eyes. He would have seen it again as he did the first time.