Hello, I don't know exactly where to begin. I have 2 children 31 monhts and 16 months. I was a Security Director before I got pregnant and am now a SAHM. I have gotten to the point that I wonder if I am depressed. I let my children watch a lot of tv, I just can't seem to get motivated. I set up a whole program to start teaching them from www.letteroftheweek.com, but because I didn't have one thing ready, I never started. I know I can get motivated my husband and I just started a weight loss competition and I worked out twice yesterday, so I know I can do it. I am home all day my house should be clean and organized, but I am not, my house is a mess. I have the desire and dream to be like that, but I am not. I know that we are having financial issues which are contributing to mental or emotional stress, we have vehicle issues so it is difficult for me to get out alot. I have been trying to find a job on weekends or the evenings and would you believe I can't seem to get hired. I don't know if I am overqualified, or if it is because I am a SAHM and not worked for almost 3 years, or what. Sometimes I think I am just too hard on myself. I joined a mom's group and although they are very nice, I just don't feel like I fit in with them. We moved here 7 months ago so maybe it is because I don't have any friends down here. All of my "friends" are more the kids' playdates. I spend alot of time on the computer throughout the day, I don't chat with anyone, I don't play games, but somehow I end up on the computer half the day. I don't clean the house until about 4 because I know my husband is coming home. I wish I had that energy early in the day, think of everything I could have done, (procrastination has always been a problem for me). I don't wake up until 8:30-9, my kids are having breakfast when most kids are already on their snack and have already done something productive. I don't know what I expect from this request, I just feel I needed to vent or write it down. I know this letter is kind of all over the place, but I think that, that is how I feel, all over the place, I have no structure, but how do you get structure? and how do I motivate myself to put it in place? I have the desire, I want to be Mrs. Cleaver, but I am not the "perfect parent or wife" and far from it. Maybe I am still trying to adjust to being a SAHM, but it has been 3 years, shouldn't I have adjusted by now? I love my children very much, they are everything to me and I would actually even like to have 2 more. I want to make a better life for me so I can in turn make a better life for my children. If I am happy then that will rub off onto the kids. Thanks for listening. M.
Thank you for writing. I cannot believe how much of a response I received. Mammasource is so much more than a question/answer website. I almost consider all of you friends. To give you an update on my situation. The same day I wrote the letter, I also started a little weight loss competition with my husband. Ps. I lost 3 lbs and won the competition for the week. I worked out almost everyday (not pushing myself too hard, babysteps) I watched my calories, I started my flylady net shining my sink and my morning and evening routine. I am tracking all my goals on sparkpeople, including my flylady routines and so far sooo good. If you met me today you would probably not think that I was the same person that was considering wether she was depressed a week ago. My outlook has been so positive since all of this. I don't know exactly what the turn around was, exercise, eating healthy or just the thought that I know that I am not alone, there are others out there just like me and It is OK!!!! I have decided to join a book club, which happens to meet on Tuesdays and I have also decided that Tuesdays from now on will be my night, to do whatever, probably have a cup of coffee and read my book for the book club. I was very surprised to see how many of you not only were willing to help out and even talk over the phone, but felt the same way I did and felt like I wrote what was in their mind. The same day I wrote the request, I saw on Oprah these women that were also in the same situation, but it had gotten so out of control that they had set-up a date to commit suicide. My heart goes out. I wish I could do something to make everything easier for mothers, even if it is to set up a website of all the different websites and support groups, moms clubs etc.... I have been a mom for almost 3 years and was just recently introduced to mamasource by a nurse at my peds office and have since been introduced to some phenomenal websites sparkpeople, flylady, letter of the week, kiddiehouse and so on and so on. I wish I would have found them sooner. Anyways thank you to all, for listening, caring and sharing with me your stories and your compassion. You all mean more to me than you know. May God Bless you and your family and have a very Happy Holiday. Love M.
You aint the only one sister, my house is a mess my kiddo is quite the high needs one so cleaning is in piecemail and by the time its all done i am nearly right back where i started. between my two dogs and 2 mo old its rough. I just stopped dwelling on it all but it looks like you could use a friend ... message if you agree
M.
I think sometimes Momma's just need to vent without feeling guilty, thank goodness for mamasource.
Our job is overwhelming.
I am a working mom, and long desire to be a stay at home mom, so I thank you for sharing your story.
As far as organization, maybe I can help.
My husband is gone 3-4 days a week and I have three wonderful blessings. I try to be the best hands on mom with homework, reading, baths and maintain an orderly household, however I was too overwhelmed, a dear friend of mine turned me on to Flylady, (www.flylady.net) she has taught me how to keep the house running smoothly,I'm still learning, but in the last few months she has truly changed my life. It's a free website, she does sell products however, here advice and schedules are free.
I'm not saying it's going to change your life, but I wanted to share.
I wish you all the best.
This seems to be a re-occuring theme among us "mama's". I have really been so glad to see that I am not the only one who has bounced between the "I can do it all" syndrome to the "I will do the very least necessary to survive" syndrome. And I can't figure out what comes first...the house's organization (or lack thereof) or my mood...seems sometimes that the organization affects my mood...and other times my mood affects the organization.
Anyways, I wanted to share two big solutions which have affected me lately in regards to both of these topics (organization and moods).
As far as the organization, I have found the most amazing (yet simple) method for this...as many have shared...the website www.flylady.net has completely revolutionized my routines around the house. I was brought up with a mother that never cooked, cleaned, shopped, or really anything else other than work and go to therapy. So my sister and I were not taught things normal moms seem to know (i.e. how to clean your sink, how to wash clothes and how often, how to plan your meals for the week and grocery shop). The website www.flylady.net has completely simplified my life...I always thought organizing my house would make it more complicated...but it has definitely become more simple...and I feel better about myself. I think I used to take a lot of feminist pride in the "I work also, so you clean also" attitude. Now I take pride (or rather a lot of joy) in being able to have a meal prepared at the end of the day and cleaning the kitchen every night and having breakfast ready each morning.
The other tool I have really grabbed onto in dealing with my moods has been a support group called Celebrate Recovery. They are a cross between the typical self-help 12-step programs and an authentic, genuine bible and Christ centered study. It is different from self-help groups in that it really addresses all problems anyone could struggle with from addictions to even just general stress along with Christ. And it is different from your average Bible Study in that it really takes you into dealing with your "issues" at a much deeper level than most Bible Studies.
We have this at our church (in Plano). Our website gives a lot of information about it, but you can also email me if you have any questions or I can also email you, individually, my testimony. The website is http://www.fbcnorth.org/Content/481.htm. This page lists more thoroughly all the "hurts, habits, and hang-ups" CR deals with. If you are located farther, you might also try the Celebrate Recovery National website to find a location near you. It is www.celebraterecovery.com. I went through this group, and I am now helping out in leadership. In summary, here is a bit from my testimony.
"For the first time in my life, I truly feel like that I can lead a life that is consistent from church to work to friends to neighbors. I have sought safety in my mother's attention, my father's approval, my sister's companionship, my childhood friends' invitations, my older friends' acceptance, my education, my background, my husband's sobriety, my daughter's comfort, and my own ways. It has been only through Christ in Celebrate Recovery that I have learned how to take down those walls of pain and feel safe in God's arms regardless of the circumstances around me. It has been through Celebrate Recovery that Christ has not only brought recovery to my life here on earth, but I have truly grasped (or maybe even more accurately glimpsed) the love of Christ through the eyes of those I get to serve with in CR and truly known about the glory of eternal salvation."
I am really glad to see that I am not the only one who has struggled with depression, anger, and just general self-esteem/well-being issues. Don't get me wrong...I still struggle, but I just don't have to struggle so much and not alone anymore. I hope this helps...J.
You are tired!!! I have twins who just turned 3 and a 19 month old as well. I am perpetually exhausted and I am sure you are as well! Don't be so hard on yourself. We all need to vent. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it either. I have found myself in a similar rut. Connecting with other moms is really helping me! Feel free to email me if you need to talk!
M. - Thank you so much for putting into words what I've been experiencing. You really took the words right out of my mouth. Go get a cup of coffee....I tend to ramble aimlessly.
My coping skills have been less than ideal as I've started smoking again. I, too, have been looking for a job but cannot get a bite. Overqualified, not enough schooling, no recent work history (SAHM for 4 years now), blah, blah, blah.
I'm torn, however, because I truly want to be able to stay home with my 7mo-old. My 2 1/2 year-old goes to school everyday even though we can't really afford it. My husband, a school teacher, has apparently hit his earning capacity.
But I was losing my mind, cranky, bitter, resentful of my husband for getting time to himself everyday to and from work and in the bathroom(!) and so I looked for a place for her to go so that I could focus on my pregnancy a couple days a week. That turned into 3 days a week, and now it's every day. I feel very guilty about not having the courage to keep both at home.
I have a history of clinical severe depression and since my second daughter was born I have been consulting a therapist and psychiatrist to help with medication monitoring. It has helped me to have someone that can listen and provide a more healthy attitude toward the stresses of motherhood.
I don't know where I was going with all of this. And,personally, I have not been comforted when people say, "you're not alone," or "go to the mall." Those comments do not go unappreciated because I know that people are just trying to be helpful and if that works for people, great.
What I am learning about myself, M., is that what contributes to my depression (anger turned inward) is the need to strive for personal perfection; I become so overwhelmed by undone laundry, unsorted incoming mail, stacks of unpaid bills, unused toys lying around that I shut down and do nothing. My brain stops processing or something. How come other moms can arrive at a place with one small diaper bag, but Me? Noooooo. I have to make sure I've got diapers, wipes, 2 changes of clothing, finger foods, bottles, ice packs, extra nipples, 4 pacifiers, several toy choices, a magazine for me to read, the cell phone, the earpiece, two bibs, the diapers/wipes coupons and on and on and on. I'm exhausted just getting the kids and their stuff to the car!
Since you spend time online, why don't you checkout 360.yahoo.com where you can create a site containing photos and comments. Let's people know what you're thinking about and they can post comments about your thoughts.
If you got through this whole thing, thanks for listening.
Hi,
I have felt the same as you for a long time, but because we've moved around following my husband's career for the last 12 years, I was too busy to notice. We've lived in this house for 5 years now, and I'm noticing it now. I have 3 kids and have been a SAHM for the 12 years we've been "roaming." One thing that I do that helps me enormously is have "my night off." One evening a week, my husband takes care of the kids, and I leave the house. I can't stay here, because when I do, my youngest ends up in my lap. I don't usually even have anything planned to do, but just sit somewhere, the car or a restaurant, and read until after I know my husband has put the kids to bed. I think it's mostly knowing that I am free of responsibility for anyone else but me for a few hours that really helps. I feel a relaxing sensation as soon as my husband walks in the door on Tuesdays. I came to the point that in order to be a better mom (I'm not perfect, by any definition) I needed to have time to myself to de-stress. I hope this helps.
Best wishes,
D.
Maybe you should try having your Thyroid checked? I had that same no motivation, drepessing thing happening to me but i work two jobs and I graudally started pulling away from my friends and did not want to clean house work or even have any thing to do with my kids i was always too tried and that had never happened before I am a very active person but i thought i was getting depressed but blood work indicated hypothyroidisim so i got the proper meds and i am starting to get back too normal....may not be your problem but before u go on antidepression drugs maybe u should have your doc to check the thyroid hope that will help
M.. I can completely relate to you. I decided to get into a home-based business (Passion Parties). I found that I needed to get out & have some adult time. We love our little ones, but as ANGEL Explained "We never get to 'clock out'". There are so many opportunities out there (ie Passion Parties, Avon, Arbonne International, Mary Kay, Tupperware, Scrapbooking, Taste of Home Entertaining, etc.) Something like this may help you get out of the house (on your own schedule) & give you the extra income to alleviate the stresses that your finances put on you. Your welcome to contact me directly as I belong to a networking group for “Women in Home-Based Businesses. I can point you to a number of different company consultants - dependant on your preferences. ____@____.com
Otherwise, I know it can be hard (especially w/inclimate weather)... but you should try to get out. Try the mall (during the day the holiday rush is not too bad). I spend hours at the mall, just walking & looking. I keep my little one entertained by showing her new things & talking to her. It's important to get out, exercise (walking in the mall, etc.) & keep your children away from the t.v. all the time.
Hope for you the best - we are all here for you.
I know how you feel i was depressed too.I am a SAHM for 3 years now i move here 6 years ago.I am from Mexico but all my family is living in Canada so i don't have any friends here and no family so i was depressed and i was scared because i was alone here without a job and no english i was so sad.Then my husband took a job and i went to school and then i got pregnant ,i was so depressed i let my child watch a lot of tv,i was spending half of my day at the computer, i didn't want to wake up until 10:00 and i can not go out because we only have one car.Then one day i feel tired of feel that way everyday so i start going out to the park with my child ,i play with him every day and i forgot about being depreesed .
I don't know if this can help you but if you anytime want to talk i don't have a telephone right know but my msn messenger is ____@____.com
You must have been listening in on me last night! I am somewhat glad that I am not the only one who feels stressed, overwhelmed, and like everyone else is a better parent than I am. I don't think it is that we are depressed as much as we are just tired and overwhelmed. Being a parent is a long hard job. And as a SAHM it's hard too cause it is literally like being at work all day and all night. We never get to "clock out". One thing that has worked for me - get out! Whenever you can! Ask your hubby to give you an hour or 2 at LEAST once a week to even just got to get a cup of hot chocolate and window shop at the mall or something. Just time away from it all! That and date nights with him as often as you can. This time away always gives me the boost I need and my hubby and kiddo notive a HUGE difference in my countenance when I come home. Hope it helps!
Hi M.,
Obviously, you're not alone. I agree with Jennifer E. Ultimately, the inner peace that you're looking for is only going to come from a relationship with God. I strongly encourage that you and your husband make a joint decision to begin attending a church. Many churches have women's ministries/support groups. My church right now has a Bible study on Wed evenings called "The Frazzled Woman"---along with many other ongoing programs. My church is First Baptist Church, The Colony. I'd love for you to come visit. If you're too far away, find another churches--there's alot of great ones in the area.
Also, have you considered getting a weekly or bi-weekly housekeeper? Possibly you could take one of your children out of school to be able to afford it. I got one and am so much happier not depressed about my dirty home. My lady comes once a week changes and washes all my sheets, mops my floors, vaccuums my carpet and stairs, dusts, cleans all counters, cleans all bathrooms, etc. etc. I now feel capable with keeping up with everything. With the deep cleaning done, I can handle it. You should think about it--it's worth cutting back on other things--believe me!!!
But really, your first priority should be finding a church that welcomes you in to their fellowship and will minister to your entire family. You'll be in my prayers.
Hello M. first of all I want to say to you this is perfectly NORMAL for you to be feeling this way! As a women we are programmed to have certain needs and when we are just mommy it is hard on us, so stop being so hard on yourself your job as Stay home mom is just that a JOB, you have to get away sometimes even if it is just to browse around target, sit at the park, take a walk etc. just to get some you time it does not have to cost money. Have you ever thought of getting a hobby something you can make and resell? I have been a candle maker for 10 years and that is great for me it turned into now having a 2000 sq ft antique store and I teach others how to sell on eBay that is another thing eBay it seems hard but really is an easy thing to do and you would be surprised just cleaning out your closet you could make some extra cash and be home with the kids! At first it is hard but then it is like anything else it becomes a regular job you can do in your pajamas in the living room and you can just about sell anything on eBay your hand me down baby clothes would sell GREAT! The last thing which is most important is pray, I have found that may not be answered right away but when I made that a daily part of my life it sure made me feel so much better about myself. If you need anymore info. how to get started on eBay please let me know I will be glad to help you and especially get you out of this LULL you are in but remember it is OK to feel this way just not OK to stay feeling this way! Take care!
Wow I am Completly blown away by how many of us are out there that feel this way. Yesterday was one of my darkest days as of yet. I did'nt want to deal with anything and could'nt even bring myself to answer the phone all day.
I'm looking for work and getting no where due to being sahm for 4yrs. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and constantly fret over every little thing that needs to be done around here. I have no friends and all my relatives live in south Texas. We've talked of moving closer to family but without me working we don't have the funds to get the house fixed up and ready to sell (renters did major damage 5yrs ago) We don't lack much but it's enough to make me stress.
If anyone needs someone to vent to and talk just email me
____@____.com
Glad I'm not alone.
C.
Hi. Just a thought. What do you think about going back to work full time and putting your children in daycare? When I stayed home with my son for the first four months of his life I was really depressed! I cried, felt sorry for myself like I was a prisoner in my own home. I had no interaction with adults all day and it felt like I had no time for myself. I went back to work and felt really bad dropping him off at daycare the first few times but after a while it got better. Now he is four years old and I am sooo glad I made that decision. He learns so much at the daycare, probably more than I would be able to teach him. He learns social skills, how to interact with other children. Now when he starts kindergarten he won't be thrown into something he isn't familiar with. Our financial burdens would be so much more if I decided to stay home with my son and my mental state would be a lot worse also. I look at the clock at 4:00 and get excited to see my son and my husband after work. In my opinion I believe some women are just meant to work and some women are meant to stay home. It all depends on you.
