Being My Best Self

Dear S.,

I think that you are definetly NOT alone!

I have been through some very tough times myself, and survived them. I struggle with things that I fear may have left me hard in some ways, and with a lot of leftover anger, as well as guilt.

However, I do know that I've come a long way. And I'm incredibly lucky to have a husband who reminds me of that!

I think we can have a lot of our own inner insecurities "left over" on the inside that no one ever sees. They sort of bubble over on us, and come out in ways that other people, and even we, don't really understand sometimes. Maybe we get really mad or scared and don't really understand why. Or like you said, the crying. I do that. I can cry a lot.

Sometimes, I wonder if there are certain things that may never be totally completely resolved, maybe we'll just get better at learning to live with them....or maybe letting them go will be a process.

But you know what? I also think that we expect a LOT of ourselves. We really want things to happen too fast. I know that's true of me a lot of the time. I tend to be more generous with other people than I am with myself. I can be a horrible perfectionist with myself. I expect more from myself. You do NOT have to have a perfectly clean house, or perfect kids or everything going right all the time. That would be scary if you could do that!!! Impressive, but scary!!

I think it is much harder to open our hearts to ourselves than to others. It is scary to allow love in to yourself, when what you are really accustomed to is trying to protect yourself. When something like that becomes a habit, it is difficult to break. You can do it!! Surround yourself with messages that you deserve it. People, affirmations, books, church, other groups, whatever else you do. Then do things for yourself, that show self-love. Things for yourself. It can be anything special, simple, just for you. It doesn't have to expensive or a big deal, just something that's "just for you".

Do you ever talk with other women from abusive families? When I talk with people who have been through similar things as me, it is one of the most healing things in my life. We help each other a lot, and give each other ideas and support.

I'm really glad that you shared, and talked about it here, because being all alone, and not talking about it to anybody is really hard. I hope that you continue to heal, and know that you are not alone.

Hi S.,

It is so iteresting that you posted this. So many people men and women have these issues. I include myself within that grouping. Thank you for reaching out, it is truly beautiful. We all are dealing with life in different and sometimes similar ways. I too, was abused as was my hsuband and eventhough I know we should not worry and obsess, or concern ourselves about whether it affects our child or children someday, I do sometimes.

Your struggle in many ways mirrors mine, as eventhough I absolutely know God made me well, and good enough, the affirmation from others does not seem to cut it. At least, it didn't until recently when I noticed God is trying to use the others to Love me.

Someone at church recently mentioned "The Velveteen Rabbit" It became real because it was loved, truly loved and cared for. God does this for us when we let him. When it seems we are all alone, God is carrying us through the storm.

You sound like you have tremendous blessings. I am so thrilled for you that the joy is there. That, in some ways is half the battle, not to find happiness but to live a joyful life.

Lastly, 2 books I would reccomend, Captivating by Stasi Eldridge helped me, and still does as God heals, and Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. It discusses what lengths the enemy will attempt to undermine God in us.

The advice I am giving, I am attempting to take as well. I may not know what the future holds, but I trust completely the one who holds the future. I am sure you and many feel that way. :)

Hugs and Blessings,

K.S.

I think that there comes a time when we realize that we have been very disrespected and abused spiritually, and or physically, as little people, by our original families. The recognition and then the mourning of this sad and lonely past needs to happen and be addressed.

But sometimes we get so worn out by the memories and the themes that continue to play out in our lives that we just become totally exhausted. If abused children are psychologically traumatized, which I believe they are, this becomes a post trauma syndrome. And it can become a real physical problem.

If survivors can access groups for empathy and receive understanding from non judgmental people, emotional ventilation can help a great deal. Sometimes, however, the damage that has occurred to the brain and body, may require medical intervention.

If the sadness continues, if the anger continues, if you become exhausted please consider having your thyroid and adrenals checked. Also, please consider dietary changes and exercise to help with the rebuilding of a healthier body.

It is all connected. Science has shown that abused kids may indeed develop post traumatic stress disorder. This is a VERY real medical condition. The symptoms often surface when your own kids reach certain ages. If you cry all the time... at anything...you may be struggling with a chemical disorder.

Please check with your doctor, if you have one.

Chris RN

S., either God is changing your hormones or he is filling you with the spirit. If you are striving for a change for the better, you will feel a lot more emotional as the past continues to surface. No one cares if you cry. It means that you need to so just go ahead and release!

You are not alone. Most of what you have written could have been from my life. I too struggle with many of the same things. I rededicated myself to God nearly 4 years ago, so I am in the early stages of restructuring. I have come along way, but feel like there is something holding me back from what God really wants for me and my family. I am going to try and get involved in more activities at our church that are specifically for women so that I can connect and get that sister support and encouragement. We are worthy! If God chose you how could you be anything less? My prayers are with you!!

S.,

As Christians, we read from Paul that we are running a race. Paul wanted to be sure that he "won the race" in that his efforts as a Christian weren't in vain and that he would receive his reward at the end and wouldn't be disqualified. The encouragement here is that in the end God won't be giving rewards for a clean house, a successful business, & perfectly disciplined children, but rather it will be for how we lived our Christian lives. How did we use the "talents" he gave us for His glory?

As a stay at home mom myself, I too get caught up in the daily grind of mundane tasks and wonder if it is worth all the hassle sometimes. Consider again that the work you are doing now homeschooling your kids, spending the time with them teaching them the precepts of the Lord IS your life work. Pour into them the love, gentleness, patience, and graciousness of the Lord and see if that doesn't produce the most glorious FRUIT of your entire life!

Remember also that if you receive "praises from men" for things, the Bible says that you won't receive "praises from the Lord" for them. I don't know about you, but I would prefer to wait for my praises from the Lord someday than for people on earth to give me praise for whatever I am doing.

Also, as we look at ourselves in light of where we have come from and are humbled, keep in mind that though in the mirror we see ourselves, God sees that we are clothed in Christ's righteousness. So all that pain and ugliness of our past and present lives are covered in His blood. And though we shouldn't dwell on the ugliness, it does bring us to the cross, to Jesus' feet. This is where we should be, remembering that without Him we would be that ugly, hopeless soul in the mirror. This all to say that humility is good, but self-pity when we have the Lord is fruitless and sinful.

God has not promised his children all contentedness and happiness on this earth. In fact, Jesus said to have a part of him we are to "share in his sufferings." Fun, eh? This really means I think that as we become more like Him, we begin to see things as He does and it does really break our hearts (hence the crying I think). And of course it also means we get our share of persecution for His name also.

This to say that we ALL struggle in many ways. Though we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, we also have the sinful nature that we were born with ever present that seeks to undermine what the Spirit tells us to do. In this Paul says, "I do what I do not want to do, but what I want to do I do not do." In other words, we have all these great intentions to do things prompted by the Spirit and our sinful nature shoots them down and convinces us there is "another way." Sound familiar? It is the same old lie from the beginning...Satan's agenda always tries to contradict God's.

Keep fighting the good fight and when you get down on yourself, look in the spiritual mirror and see Christ and ask Him to help you overcome!

Blessings,

H. C.

Hi, S.,

I am a Christian too and married to a wonderful minister; I say that so you will take this seriously. I am almost 70 and had a terrific career as a mental health professional. I worked with a lot of Christians who did not think they shoould seek counseling, but I believe that my work was a gift from God to share with those people. Please consider counseling in addition to prayer and other methods that help you now. Medication is also a gift from God, if you should need it.

In Portland, you can find low cost counseling at William Temple House, a church supported agency - call ###-###-#### - or at the YWCA, a Christian organizantion, ###-###-####.

It is great that you can homeschool your children and mentor other women. The better you feel, the more you can do for others.

Blessings, A. P.

S.,
First off you are doing what God designed you to be and that threatens Satan. I once heard at a women's Bible study, that a mom who knows her place and stays home with her children and raises them to be mighty warriors for Christ is the most threatening person to Satan. Congrats it sounds like you are! I am pregnant with my 5th and we homeschool also. There are days that get me down and I feel like I am going crazy. I subscribe to a great encouraging resource called Above Rubies Magazine. http://www.aboverubies.org/ They are a Christian ministry to mommies and the hard job of being a full time mom. I also like the child training resource http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ch07.asp this lady is great and has a lot of applicable training ideas that really do work. You will be in my prayers. Turn to the Lord in those times of chaos He is the only one who can fill you up to be able to do your job. God Bless!
J.

Thank Goodness He Doesn't Ask Us To Be Perfect! Otherwise we Would ALL Be In Trouble Without A Forgiving God!

A.
The Candle Bug
www.hyenacart.com/thecandlebug

Have you ever considered that you might be dealing with depression? You seem to have described more emotional lability than is normal for yourself, a lifestyle with high standards, and pressure from the many hats that you wear.

How is your appetite? Ability to fall asleep and stay asleep? Do you have energy for social activities? Do you enjoy participating in the things that you do? What do you do for yourself?

Talk to your doctor about why you might be feeling more emotional than "normal."

It does sound like God is working in your heart. I'll be praying that you continue to let God work and change your heart. I know it won't be easy.
I don't know why the bad things happened in your past, but I do know God can use them to make you a beautiful person and maybe give you a ministry you couldn't have otherwise.
You are a wonderful child of God who has a purpose in life, even if it is seemingly mundane. I know there isn't much glory is being a SAHM but raising godly kids is very worthwhile.

Congratulations, S.. You are on a true path of enlightenment and you should be proud of yourself. To cry is to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable is to be strong.

Sounds like you are overloaded with homeschooling and being so hard on yourself. Bow in gratitude to yourself to the fab job you are doing. I love running to get through my difficult times. Best of luck.

S.....not your best self? Oh my goodness...to be able to raise 5 children (and homeschool them!) run a business...be a wife? I get the sense that you are an overachiever to begin with who has had a really rough past life. NOBODY is consistent 100% of the time. None of us are perfect. WE ALL FAIL. Don't worry so much about the destination, but the journey itself. Your past life is probably unearthing itself now because you are getting stronger...whether you know it or not. Our minds are funny things and they let us process the sadness and pain when we are in a position of strength. You will plow through this. It sounds like you have an amazing husband. Surround yourself with amazing people (and therapists if need be) and before you know it some more of the "rotten" from the first part of your life will work itself out. It is a mental cleansing of sorts. The voices in your head telling you "you can't do this" will be squashed. Hang in there S.! It WILL get better (and do get some talk therapy if you need it...many times others can see patterns more clearly than you can, and they will help you work your way out much faster than you could alone). I wish you peace.

Your doing great. You have 5 children that you love so much. (if you didn't you wouldn't be worried about this.) I feel so unworthy of my life sometimes, just because I have so much including a great family that I love. We are worthy of the joys in our lives, just be thankful for them.

S.,
I have some simular issues you have been dealing with and I am so sorry for the pain that this brings. Hold your faith tight and truly believe that He DOES have a plan for you and your tears are His way of releasing the sorrow that has built up inside. You have been given a precious gift, being a mommy brings you a lifetime of cherished memories. As you held each one of your babies in your arms snuggled tight to your chest remember the peace and warmth you felt. You gave each of them life and as they grow you are responsible for them and through His help you guide them into their own person. We are given troubles and hardship so we grow and learn from. Just think of all the life lessons you now have experience with to protect your children from. What has happened to you is very sad but it made you who you are today and it is a stronger person. The Lord laid each and every brick that creates your foundation to be strong and with your battles you have gained strength and tools to use to fight for the happiness you deserve and will be rewarded with. Many children who grew up in "Leave it to Beaver Land" were so sheltered that they now lack the wisdom to fight off evil or are so nieve they do not understand. For many years I was filled with sorrow and allowed my feelings to hold me to the victim role rather than use that strength to believe in myself and live my life in today rather than letting the past weigh me down. Emrace your life now and use your experience to be a stronger person and better wife better mother better friend and beter Christian. Again I am so sorry for the troubles and pain you have had and will pray for you to be comforted now and that He will guide you down this path He has for you. Remember that you are not walking alone though, He is with you and sends angels along the way to help when you need it most and even when you don't realize. If you ever want to just talk, I would love for you to cal me....###-###-####. Good luck to you and hug your kids tight and remind them how much they are loved!

S.

Hi, S.! I just wanted to tell you about a recovery program I am in currently through my church. It's called Celebrate Recovery. It was developed by Rick Warren and his associate pastor John Baker at Saddleback Church. Celebrate Recovery is a biblical and balanced program that can help you overcome your hurts, habits, and hang-ups. We've ALL got those! I'm working through the recovery process right now for a lot of things I went through in my past with my father and my current pace-of-life. I know it sounds a little silly, but the program really works. At first it's about admitting your hurts, habits and hang-ups to get out of denial and then the process moves along to taking an inventory of your life, where you get to write about who hurt you and how it made you feel, but you also write about who you hurt. After that, you start the process of making ammends with people you've hurt and forgiving people who've hurt you. (I'm not into the next book so I can't tell you what's next . . . sorry!)

You have a sponsor who's been through the program and you share each lesson with your group (my group only consists of 5 people). It's a safe environment to share events from your life and help you through the recovery process.

I'm not done with the program yet, but already I've seen major changes in my life. I won't tell you it's easy . . . it's hard to deal with issues we try to avoid, but it's a great program and an excellent process.

If you'd like any more information on it, I can talk to my sponsor for you. I would really encourage you to research this . . . no one I know who's ever gone through this program has regretted it. I've learned so much about myself and why I do the things I do and also about my relationship with God and the things I need to do to grow in Him.

You can email me at ____@____.com if you'd like more info! There's more I'd like to say, but I don't want to make this too long! Hope this helps!
- A.

You surely are not alone!! I find it easy to do the same thing you are talking about. I think it is easy as believers to feel unworthy, and we are unworthy, but God's grace is what we have to stand firm on. This life with him...all of the good and all of the bad is his free gift to us, once we let go and give him our past and ugliness, he only sees our heart as it is now. We can live this great life guilt free with joy! And I think it is important to remember that in my own strength I can do nothing, but when I do the cleaning and my job and even loving my family, for Christ and not out of duty, it changes everything. When I feel discouraged, this verse encourages me: "Therefore we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out before us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2. I also find it is easier to feel worthy when I express my thankfulness to God for what he has done in my life. Do you keep a journal? And then spend a chunk of time everyday telling him what you are thankful for. Or just telling him out loud, if you don't have time to journal. Our relationship wuth Christ is dependant upon whether or not we accept his forgiveness and unconditional love. Know this: no matter what you do, you cannot change his love for you! I am helping lead a mom's group at my church on Wednesday mornings from 9:30-11:30, because we all need support and encouragement. Childcare is provided for $2/child per meeting. You are welcome at any time. It is Compass Church (1812 Main St. in downtown Vancouver). Message me any time, if you want to chat more! May the Lord Bless you!

Hi S.,
Your post touched me so much. I too had a rough childhood and young adulthood. But God has always be by my side helping me and guiding me. Now that I have turned my life over to Him I too have moments of overwhelming emotion. At these times I am just so amazed at how much God and Jesus Christ love me and how much I have been forgiven. Remember the Atonement is for everyone and God loves YOU and me and everyone. You are a beautiful person and God has chosen you for a great purpose here on earth, continue to follow His promptings and these doors will be opened to you.
May God Bless You and Your Family!
R.

No, you are not at all alone! I did not come from an abusive childhood, I had the blessing of being raised by godly, Christian parents. However, my first marriage was to an abusive alcoholic, so I have had issues to deal with. I have found help through christian counseling in the past, which was very helpful. As far as ongoing help, whenever I start to feel down on myself, I remember who my Creator is. (I LOVE Psalm 139 for a serious reminder of how much He loves me!) I think remembering who our Creator is is the answer to healthy self-esteem. If I think of myself too poorly, I have obviously forgotten who made me! If I think of myself too highly, same story!
As far as getting my house more under control, I have found tremendous help from www.flylady.net It's free, so there is no cost involved, she just helps busy ladies like us find little ways to get more organized. We are all going to struggle with this as long as there are little ones in the home. They will be grown and gone all too soon, then we will just have to do the maintenance work without constantly cleaning up after little ones. It sounds like you care deeply about those in your circle of influence. God bless you for this! If more people were like you, our world would be a better place. :) Take heart, Sister, you are not AT ALL alone. Blessings to You and Yours! :)

Hi S.,

Way to go. Give yourself a big hug for all of the wonderful things that you have accomplished already! I have dealt with and am dealing with some of the emotions that you talk about. I have had great success working with Suzanne Mark, www.suzannemark.com. She works with something called the Sedona method (www.sedona.com) that allows you to release things on a much deeper emotional level and opens the doors for you to move forward.

Best of luck,
N.

It has helped for me that when I feel sad, or mad, etc. I give myself 10 minutes a day to feel sad.

Another method is journaling. Do it daily. And tell it everything. Even if you find yourself crying. Do it in private.

Walk or jog daily or garden. Get out side.

Find good things every day to list in your journal. Every day.

Find good things about each of your children to tell them and to list in your journal. Each day is a different thing. The same goes with your husband. Tell this things to your Lord and bless him for giving them to you.

Bless him for every step you take even if some steps seem backward.

Print out this email and put it in your journal.

W.

Isa. 41: 10
10 ¶ aFear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Congratulations to you for your willingness to follow the Lord! Through our trials we are strengthened and through sharing and serving others we strengthen them. You are definitely among good company! Anyone who is open the Spirit of the Lord will be buffeted by Satan. Living every moment to the best of our ability is all that the Lord expects of us! The atonement of Christ is what allows us to get back up when we fall and when we continue to give in to despair we negate that atonement and turn over our control to Satan. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest step that you take in your journey of healing, but it the most important and allows you to move forward.
It sounds like you have been blessed with a wonderful husband and children and that you are grateful for these blessings! We're all human and at times need to be filled back up. Connecting with like-minded people, especially women, can do wonders for your soul. Do you have a church community that you fellowship with? This can be a great source of strength when you are down!
Focus on your family and remember that a clean house is over-rated! Moments with your children and husband can't be replaced, but you can always hire a cleaning service! Let me know if there's anything that you need! You can email me at ____@____.com

I am a Christian, working mother of three with a loving husband and a house that is clean, but rarely spotless!
M. H

OK so when I ready our post I truly thought you were writing about me. I had a hard life growing up with an drug addicted Septdad, who used me as his outlet.

Thanks to my children, I have just started going back to church a year ago, but the change was hard. I stoped going when I was 16 because I thought that God had abandoned me. (Why else would I have been stuck with that man for 13 years...)
I just wanted to worit to tell you, you are not alone. I am here on this roller coaster with you.

It sounds like you need some you time. I have learned and still learning to take some time for me. Take a class in something you are interested in. Go for a walk, any thing for you. You might also want to look into a support group. Things from your past do affect your future nomatter how you try or dont relieze that they do. I for one is in an ALONON. It gives me some me time and helps give me the tools to help myself. I am also a Christian. This is what helped me but you have to find a way that works for you. God has a way of showing you where to go without you knowing it. Just listen and he will guide you.

Wow! What a beautiful group of responses. Sometimes, as a Christian woman, I feel so alone outside of my church building. But, how amazing to see such a big group of Christians on the internet! You are not alone!

I've found in my life that God takes me through times of intense intimacy with Him that are very emotional and tough. Even though I'm getting closer to Him, it almost feels like surgery - He's removing those parts of me that sabotage my walk with Him and He replaces them with His love. During these times I'm so raw, tender, and fragile. But, when I come out I am stronger.

Others have said it, and I'll say it again - if you're not already, get involved in a women's Bible study and if that's not possible reach out to all of us here.

"The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you." Zephaniah 3:17

Wow, 24 replies.. and here I was thinking no one was going to reply to a subject such as this and then to open it and see 24 replies.. that so warms my heart to think how many christan mothers are out there and how supportive and wonderful we all are.. I was going to suggest joining our MOMS group which is EXACTLY what you were talking about and we're even reading Captivating this year.. It's an Awesome program and you dont have to be a member, it's at Sunset Presbyterian.. many of the group are the members or even atten the church.. check it out, it might be exactly what you are looking for: http://sunsetmoms.org/

We are a group of women who have doubts, fears, bad hair days, and unfortunate "Mommy Moments." We meet together to offer support through prayer, words of encouragement, listening ears and stories of how we're making through motherhood.

We believe that the Bible is a wonderful resource for truth and guidance and we will rely on it often to help us understand our roles as mothers, wives, and children of God.

Hi S.,

Thank you for your post. Your words describe my life. My family is not abusive, but I was abused as a child. Praise the Lord I just take it one day at a time and dream of my Heavenly home where heart ache will be no more.
Something that has been helping me a lot lately is www.flylady.net. It's worth checking out.
Thank you again.
D. Rylander

I just wanted to say, "Be encouraged." You sound like an impressive woman. I'll be praying for you.

A.

This is wonderful! Good for you! It is so good to get it out and crying is totally normal. I have been there too. Just carry some kleenex with you:) And bear in mind that this phase won't last forever so just go with it!

If you think you may be depressed St.John's Wort can really help.

Also, I just wanted to recommend a couple additional resources: Jeff VanVonderen (Christian psychologist) has done a lot on healing and all his stuff is excellent. I really recommend the "Wounded by Shame; Healed by Grace" series. You can order the audio CD from his website. He also has several great books. www.jeffvanvonderen.com (go to library section).
Also, "Into Abba's Arms" is an excellent book I also REALLY recommend.

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Wow S.! Praise the Lord for your honesty and commitment to being molded and shaped for the plan that God has for you. He loves you so much and is so pleased with your progress and willingness to coninue on this adventure with Him. Your acknowlegement of discovering that you deal with unworthiness is all a part of the journey. As you already know, it is not over yet! It saddens God, that you deal with such unworthiness. He is patient and will continue to walk beside you while you deal with that. He'll do anything it takes to get you through this, inorder to get you on the otherside of it, so that you can fully experience the life that he desires with you, away from those distructive, unproductive feelings. You have obviously come so far. Continue to be aware of the spiritual battle to goes on around you. Don't turn your back on satan, for the armor of God does not protect your back. Keep satan at bay by not allowing him to have any strong hold around you. This feeling of unworthiness comes from satan and is not of the Lord. God desires your freedom away from that kind of bondage. You are an extremely dedicated mother with so much on your plate with 5 lovely children and homeschooling just to start, but two books came to mind that I thought you would really enjoy and would also help you with this process that you are going through. (I don't know if they are on audio, but it would be worth it to find them) The first is The Shack by William P. Young (I can't say enough good about this book....please just trust me on this one!). The second is, Get Out Of That Pit (Straight Talk About God's Deliverance)- from a former pit-dweller, by Beth Moore. Both of these books are incredible and very entertaining. You can find The Shack everywhere right now. You may even know someone you can borrow it from. The Beth Moore book is also found in most places, but it is usually on sale at Christian Supply. If you are interested in either or both of these books, I'd be glad to send you my copy if you'd like. Just email me back and send me your address.

Thanks so much for all that you are doing to share your story and encourage other women. God is so in love with you!

:) D.

Hi S.,

Your life is similar to my own. I can help you. I am a strong Christian too. The Lord is the center of my life. Send me your mailing address and I will send you a complimentary copy of my book titled, "The Legend of R.." It's large print and can be read in 2 hours.

Love, In Christ Our Lord annd Savior,
R.

S.,
I loved hearing your testimony!! It is an encouragement to me to hear how you've turned to Christ and how He has softened you. I myself didn't have the hardship that you've had in your life, but I did go through my own period of "badness." It was a painful 2+ years that took me to a breaking point. I'd been a Christian since I was 4, but had never encountered such pain. At first I lashed out and became that hard person you spoke of. Most of it stayed inside of me, which is one of the reasons that I still am married (although my husband has said over and over he would never leave me). At my breaking point I had a friend who led me again to the cross and I was reminded that Christ is all that I need, and that He could help me wade through the pain hurt and He would take it upon Himself. I was reminded that He would help me work through what had happened, how to heal, and how to live victoriously! It was about a 6 year process from when the hurt started to when there was GLORIOUS resolution!!!! It was amazing how the Lord used so many circumstances and people around me in that process. I was continually being encouraged and uplifted, even though only a close 2-3 people know any details at all. The Lord proved to me how personal He is, how great His love is for me, and how much He wants to be all that I need and seek. He truly is delighted when we find our delight in Him! Be encouraged S., to continue to seek Him above all else, and to realize that the Lord will use your testimony to encourage and lift up other women who have 1) been in similar situations as you, and 2) have a need of a Savior. You had a need, and He met you where you needed Him most. Seek out a women's Bible study to be a part of, if you aren't already a part of one. If your schedule doesn't permit it (I was homeschooled, so I know the demands!), I'd be happy to "meet" with you online! Be encouraged!

Hi S.! Wow...I can tell the Lord is doing wonderful things in your life. Isn't it just like Him to humble you in such a way. You know, those tears are precious to Him. The winds of change always bring on those tears...it is so good to hear that you keep your heart open and let His will be done in your life. He is cleansing you of self. Just let Him have His way and say "Your will, not mine, be done".
I hope it is encouraging for you to know that I am 53, I've been a Christian for 40 years, and everything you have described sounds just like what I have gone through. I'm still standing and still praising His name.
You are welcome to stay in touch with me. Please pray for me!
:>) J.

S.,
I can relate so much to what you are saying. I too have a tough past with abuses that I experienced that only a few really know about. Because of that I made very bad choices in my teen years and I believe that is what left me infertile. At 19 I met my husband and then started turning my life around. We committed to the Lord at a young age but it has taken many many years to get true healing(I was in God's way) I am now a mom to 5 amazing children through adoption and I can't believe that God was able to use this totally broken and unworthy woman to have such an important job.
Keep growing and praying and let God totally transform you into the person He sees you to be. You are amazing and have done so much. You just have to shed the past and let it stay there.
God Bless,
S.

Wow! you have a big family! I came from a family of 8 and it was a lot of fun! ( most of the time:) I just wish I had had more time alone with each of my parents. I was also homeschooled.
Anyway! I just wanted to let you know that After reading a book called " Created to be His Helpmeet" My life and marriage is wonderful. I feel fulfilled. It is a very different kind of book and completly the opposite of feminism. I just had to tell you that it really helped me with feeling good about myself and my life and my role as a woman. I am very happy and complete:) My husband treats me like a princess. :) God's enemy has a way of making women feel guilty, unworthy and unloved. I hope the best for you and your family! Oh yes. I just wanted to throw this in too. Take a pen and paper and write down your favorite things to do whether it be reading,gardening or skydiving. And then choose one. Spend time and money to make it happen. Enjoy it. Do it at least once or twice a month. Make the arrangments and ask your hubby to help. Sounds like he would love to! It just seems like too many women these days neglect their own interests and feel guilty for indulging in them. Then they feel starved and that dampens their ability to be a great mom and wife. What do you think? Just my brilliant thoughts;)

Hey there sweet Lady...BOY..I can soooooooooooooo relate to all the healing one must "go through" to get to the Healthy side from an emotional childhood battle zone. I too spent years as a child in so much loving uncertainty....so much crazy making to say the least. And I know---through all my many years of growing, healing, reading, classes, seminars, supporrt groups---that we all Must FEEL IT--in order to HEAL IT. And believe me...I KNOW this journey has it's many, many confusing Highs and Lows---Know what I mean jelly bean? :-)
And yes---GOD's ways are always higher than our own--so HIS timing and plan for our lives will always be at times--different than our own plans for our recovery and healing.
I DO believe the healing process is a lifetime journey---and always rewarding ourselves---as we do our children---whenever...yes whenever WE are moving forward. I have come to realize there is NEVER one particular way to heal. We all have an individual path. However---I DO believe that we seem do not gvie ourselves enough CREDIT and APPRECIATION for ALL the Positive Things WE DO for our self-growth and for so many others. I know I personally always feel I AM NOT doing enough.
When so many others tell me just the opposite. Of course---right now, being in a confusing career transition---and in a new, loving, positive, supportive 3 year relationship--with my only daughter-age 24--doing well with her college degree now working at Nike Corporate Headquarters---I just feel so alone right now in my soul.
When I read your "heartfelt" words---the first thing that came to mind was---Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...I immediately felt a desire in my life to know and meet MORE Spiritually, Positive, Healing women. Lunch sometime?
Please go to my website--as it will give you some insight as to what I do---who I am and how God has put many people in my path to also Mentor in many ways---yet I so feel it is "I" now who need to be Mentored. I am a certified Nutritionist CNC---and have great Physical Health being a baby booomer. It is my mental-emotinal health that seems to always be in battle. My website is www.simplyyounger.com.
I too TRY my best to walk as a positive, growing Christian woman.GOD knows my struggles. Owning my own business for years...yet now in a bit of an emotional and occupational transition...I too find myself struggling with waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many inner negative thoughts and wondering directions.
As our pastor calls it (Kevin Gerald at the Champion Center in Tacoma)...he calls it Mind Monsters---He has a great CD and a class series on it. Yes---I so relate to the inner mind battle-while trying to stay on an Upbeat-Positive-Productive path. Phewwwwwwwwwwwwwww--sometimes my mind and my spirit is soooooooooooooooooooo exhausted by the end of the day---of course then their are the evenings when trying to find peace--and calmness so to sleep---begins the other nite-time battle.
Well--I guess I have rambled enough. :-)
Please know that Every step we take---IS a Very Positive One toward our emotional growth and healing.
Personal Growth is a Journey---taken One Step at a time.
Be sure to give yourself Credit---and Support--as we would our children IF they were struggling with whatever---yet taking baby steps toward healing. How would be reward our children---is how we need to reward and be kind and supportive to ourselves....agree?
I hope to hear back from you and know I wish you Many, Many warm and healing blessings.
FAITH means
F-fantastic
A-adventures
I-in
T-trusting
H-HIM.........So keep the Faith...as I am. And each day---count our blessings---cause you know we DO have a lot to NOW be thankful for---right?

Til when............D. at www.simplyyounger.com

You are not alone, add in a religious crises from a previously strong Christian who now struggles every day to believe no matter what doubts creep in and 65 lbs that come back everytime , trying to figure out what to do now that I am grown up (way grown up) and more time with a need of income.
There is a book by Louise Hay about healing yourself- which I of course haven't gone back to in years but the feeling of unworthiness I forgot about.
Uggh back to the piles in my kitchen again.

i struggle like this also. for the longest time i could not forgive myself or others for the past. i still have a hard time thinking about it. i try so hard to be the best mom and wife i can. i barely recognize the person i am now. sometimes that also bothers me. i feel a lot of guilt when i handle things wrong with my kids or husband or others in general. i wonder why i can;t be like some other women. i would love to know God's plan for me.

S., dear, have you ever seen a professional counselor? It seems that you have some serious conflicts that need to be dealt with. Prayer is great, but there are times when we need to take a more human approach. Please, please talk to your doctor. Could you be suffering from depression? If so, there are several options available for you. You may be pleasantly surprised with the results. It's not your fault and you should absolutely not feel ashamed or embarrassed. Remember, you're only human. Without medication and therapy sessions, I would hate to think where I would be. Good luck!

S.,

Someone told me that the most successful women often sabatoge themselves. I do the same things you do... I reach a goal and then I let it all go. I just ran the race for the cure after having trained for six months... what am I doing now? Eating like a pig and letting it all go away.

I don't know what the answer is to consistancy. If I did I would be consistant. But I am praying for you.
T.

You are absolutely not alone, S. --. I'm 63- a Mom, Gramma, and preschool teacher - and I could have written most of your words exactly. My best suggestion? Thank God every day for the gift of YOU-- you are his first, loveliest gift - to you. Your caring, your kindness, your devotion- those are gifts He gave you- and you opened them and use them. ( I feel that an unnamed '''sin''' is to know that God has given you a gift and never open it or use it)

Blessings,
J.
aka
Old Mom

S.-
I have a much different past than you, but I think I'm undergoing a bit of a change in myself currently, too. I know what you mean about feeling uncomfortable with your crying! I never used to cry, and now I cry during any meaningful conversation (or TV commercial, for that matter!).

Part of my problem, I am beginning to think, is that I had my third baby and I didn't envision things being harder with three. I guess I never gave any time to the thought of there being more work and a little less money! Now I'm hard on myself for not having the house clean and supper on the table when my husband gets home, not to mention *anything* else crossed off of my ToDo list! So I just can't imagine what your days must be like - being mom and teacher to 5 kids, a wife, a business owner, a mentor . . . how can you ever expect to fulfill all those roles completely?!? God made you an exceptional woman, but there's no way we can achieve perfection on this earth!

Perhaps you subconsciously realize once you've achieved a goal (such as a clean house) that there's no way to keep it up with everything else in your life, so then you give up and blame yourself for not being good enough - I don't know! But whatever it is, just try to remind yourself that the Lord may call you home tonight. So stop and consider what's most important for you to accomplish today. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:33-34

One of my favorite devotion series is called "Making God Too Small" and talks about the ways we do that. One way is by thinking that we need to be in charge and accomplish things on our own. We tend to make God too small by beginning a task without asking Him for His help. Don't! And when you feel like you can't take another step for fear you might fall down, then think about the "Footsteps" poem and ask Him to carry you.

You sound like a wonderfu person and God has truely blessed you. You have over come so much, that is something to be proud of; I don't know you but I'm proud of you. :-)
Trust in the Lord, give it all up to him. All the things that bother you or upset you, nothing is too small.
I cry when the holy spirti is working in me. I get really embaressed but I have had two close christian friends tell me that my tears are a gift from God. I can't remember the verse right now, but there is one that says just that.
I will keep you in my prayers. Do you attend a church? Are there groups there that you can join for support? Maybe Mom groups or just a bible study? I belong to a small group at my church, it's been wonderful.
Take care,
D.
SAHM of 3

I do not understand what a SAHM is, but I'd like to know if you live in Vancouver, WA and if you would be interested in attending my get better acquainted game day and meet others. This was started for my sunday school Oasis class at Crossroads Community church here in Vancouver and for anyone else who would like to come. Send me an email and I will share more about it. We get together monthly. ____@____.com

We have a great time and love sharing with others and helping people with problems.

You definately sound like most women I know. We have a million things to do in a day and usually put ourselves last. Whatever the cause I am so glad that you know Who to cling to in the rough times. Take time each day for you. You can't give your family the best of everything but you CAN give them the best of you!

One funny story today that happened to me today. I am not a big cryer but I cried on my way to work today because of some silly thing that happened when I dropped my son at day care. I couldn't believe myself, crying over a seemingly stupid thing. Just remember, God shares our sorrow and joy, he cries and laughs with us.

S.,
I am going to agree with some of the responses to see a councelor or professional for someone to talk to. I have been seeing someone for a number of years off and on and it helps a great deal. The first one may not work as it needs to be a good fit for both parties, but stick with it. Or try to find a support group. We all need someone to lean on for advise. We as Mothers want to be nothing less than perfect. Stay strong and God loves you through it all.
-M.