Need Marriage Advice - Carlsbad,CA

I can sympathize. My marriage is similiar but the issues are different. I often wonder how we ended up together. That use to be a joke with us but it's not funny any more.

Good luck.

Get some marriage counseling - NOW! If he won't go, you go yourself.
You say he has a temper - call him on it. Make a note on the calendar every time he is nasty. He'll see it. If he really is a good guy, he'll change his ways. Get a backbone and stand up for yourself. Don't allow him to treat you that way -- you don't have to fight. When he is demeaning, you just have to calmly tell him that you will not allow him to treat you this way and walk away.
LBC

I agree with getting the marriage counseling. It sounds like you see where his downfalls are but you shoulder most of the blame of the marriage not doing well on yourself. It sounds like he passes the blame onto you. Do what you can on your part, but like Ladybug C. said, don't allow him to demean you. I will pray for you!

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I don't think it is you with the problem -well, take that back you are with him and he definitely is the problem if he won't seek counseling, won't get help, and work on his emotions. But you do have choices. Some people do stay married forever to this type of person. Since you don't have a deadline, I suggest you continue to think of how serious a step you would be making and I also want you to stop giving him excuses. He doesn't sound like a very Godly man if he has an explosive temper and you are walking on eggshells. He can't see that??? So then he is not really putting you first as you put it and then he isn't really the great father you are trying to portray as I am sure your children can feel his criticism of you. As far as chemistry goes, that happens when we are hormonal and young and often off and on in relationships. Being horny, having chemistry and having comfortable sex are all alternating parts of relationships and the chemistry part is usually in the beginning. If I were you I would cancel any expectation about that and if your relationship gets better you will see a better sex life. In the meantime what seriously did you see in him when you were married before children? I would go back and list that. if you can and see if there were drastic changes or if loneliness added to that and perhaps you ignored things then. But if he is good in other areas and also I compliment you on seeing that, then perhaps you wait it out, get educated to continue in a financially comfortable lifestyle one day if you do leave. Three children altar the life of many a marriage, so if you are thinking it is supposed to be roses all the time, sadly it isn't. But it will get better. Good luck!

I am so sorry you are hurting like this.

Let me suggest that you read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. Even after 10 happy years of marriage, I was STUNNED at how much I was not understanding my husband all this time. Now I feel so much more able to love him in ways that he understands. I had no idea that "harmless" things that I would say or do were really hurting him.

There is a companion book, "For Men Only", too. My husband surprised me by wanting to read it, for me. And he was comforted to learn that a lot of things about me that confused him (or that even made him feel rejected) were just part of my female wiring. These books have been immensely helpful for both of us. If you buy or borrow them together, maybe he'll want to check it out.

To love him, to stick by him through thick and thin, is a decision that you must make. You've probably heard this before, but love and respect are not feelings but actions. God tells us to love whether we feel like it or not. He tells wives to respect their husbands whether we feel like it or not. Divorce is not an option if he has been faithful to you. You can still be a God-honoring wife even if your husband is not acting loving to you. Decide to bring out the best in him. If you're not sure how, ask him. Honor him as the head of the household, respect his decisions, do not criticize or undermine him in front of others, tell him how much you appreciate everything he does to provide for your family. Look beautiful just for him (I never understood how critical this is before reading these books, and I wish I had known about it 10 years ago). Build him up. Most importantly, pray fervently for him and for your marriage. It is so hard to do that when you are angry, but the more you love and respect him with your actions, the more the feelings will follow.

I really feel for you in this. It's difficult when you feel unstable at the homefront; that keeps everything else shaky. Sometimes two people come together who just should not be together forever because they don't sharpen each other, make each other better. And sometimes it just feels that way because some humps are harder to get over. The good news is that you get to choose your experience. (Insert smiley face here.)

It's gonna get harder before it gets easier, but I think that it'll be worth it for you because you'll feel empowered. I have had some of the same feelings with my husband in our short marriage, fed by certain stressors that influenced how we related to each other. Our expectations were not spoken clearly in some areas. I depended on him to validate me in ways that I should have been doing for myself. (Oh, the pressure we put on our husbands to validate us.) With three little ones, you likely do not have time to read. If you can steal away for 30 minutes to an hour a day, time that you won't spend brushing your teeth or shaving but actually taking a breath (I get to "breathe" when I'm nursing a sleeping baby, for example. It's not much, but I make it work for me.), try reading some self-help books. One that immediately comes to mind is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, PhD. We all develop relationships based on our needs. The people we attract and are attracted to are mirrors to who we actually are. Over time, they tell us things about ourselves that can be difficult to face and that we would rather not know. Sometimes that looks like an impasse. Whether or not it is depends on how well we process this information and apply it.

Bottom line--'cause I don't want to go on and on here--is that YOU can determine if you are going to just give up and give in or become a student of how you relate to yourself and others, and let your relationship sharpen you. I am forever a student of Psychology and how people relate to each other. I actually enjoy learning about myself and helping others to figure out why they do what they do. I understand that I brought to my marriage certain expectations and desires based on needs rooted in my childhood. I had to realize that if I am to be a successful adult, some of those needs would have to be realized and satisfied by me. I had to realize that, while he will always serve as somewhat of a surrogate (because I won't necessarily have the opportunity to actually go back with the exact people involved and relive and correct each situation that still affects me), my husband is an individual who brought his own history to the table and does not need the pressure of healing my hurts.

When we are hurting, we can't see or think or hear clearly, and we throw that hurt out to others. And it always comes back. That's how we create the cycles that are so hard to jump off of. Somebody has to be the one who just says, "STOP!" and jumps off. Just jump off. Decide that you want to stop it, and just do it. If you want practical advice, I say that the first thing you should do is just be quiet. I don't know how you feed your spirit, but it is so necessary to still yourself and let your soul speak and listen. Maybe you can get up before everybody else in the morning and take deep breaths outside for 10 minutes while the air is yet still. (Or spend a few minutes alone with a cup of tea after everybody goes to bed and the house is still.) Your start can be as simple as that. Take that time for yourself, and it'll grow into more peace for your soul. This will affect how you relate to your husband. Don't think of your being quiet as giving in to him or being afraid to fight with him. Think of it as reflecting on what is actually happening--where his sentiment is actually coming from (not about you at all), why it triggers those feelings in you (not about him at all), etc. I call it standing outside yourself. Imagine that you live in a glass house. In that house and in the largest room are you and your husband. Also in that house are smaller rooms--a room with your husband as a little boy having a strictly quiet dinner with his parents, a room where your husband as a little boy is disappointed by something and vows (at that tender age) never to trust in that way again, a room where you as a child are crying your heart out because you didn't get something that you desperately wanted (and doesn't it all feel desperate when we are children?).... All this other stuff is going on in your house--the childhood issues--and neither of you can know at any given time exactly what the other is pondering, what the other is reacting to. If you are standing outside this house and looking in, you have a clearer and broader perspective, because you can look into all the rooms. You can understand that your husband raises his voice at you because he feels backed into a corner when he perceives that you are making a demand of him that he is afraid that he cannot meet. The you that is in the room with your husband and in that moment is too caught up in how this reminds you of when your father rejected you. Of course, these are not your actual issues, but you get my point. (Sorry that I took the long road here.)

I wish you good individual health. That will be the key to the good health of your family. Big hug to you. I send you peace and calm every time every time you feel anxious.

ETA: My husband does not yell at me and has never called me selfish. What he has said about me, though, sometimes boils down to "self-centerd", though he denies it when I use that word. It really bothers him when I demand that he run certain things by me that affect us. I try to get him to understand how I can be affected in more ways than one when he just runs off and commits to something. Example: Making travel plans with SS and then discussing with me and learning that we can't afford it at the time or we have some other commitment that we can't break. SS already has issues with me that are only fed when he thinks that I've influenced his father to change their plans. I'm not trying to be controlling. Since we have these issues built in to our marriage, I like to keep things as simple as possible while promoting good relationships across the board. (Another smiley face...and a thumbs up.) Because he is so used to meeting the needs of others, he is very sensitive to anything that sounds like "What about me?" It is a major turn-off for him.

Before you just walk away how about seeing a counselor for yourself? Let him know what your doing, show him that you are trying and maybe he will come around. Also dont say together for your kids, they need to see Mommy and Daddy happy and need to learn what a healthy relationship is so they can do the same when they are grown up.

Go to counseling by yourself. Church counselors are not even licensed many times. I know as a Christian you want someone of your faith, but you need to work through this with a professional.
No one wants to be divorced with 3 small kids. If you are in CA, I doubt he will allow you to move to TX where your support is.

There have been studies done that the age of children in the household make the couple more prone to disconnect and hence divorce. It is rough having three under 4. I think what helps get me, got me, through tough times is remembering the reason why I love my husband and mentally putting him back on that "pedestal" (term loosely). It is a real mental struggle some days, but by treating him the way I want to be treated helps him reciprocate!
Also, as you pointed out, it takes two - a marriage is not one sided. I love the book "Power of a praying wife" if you have read it, read it again, if you haven't pick it up ASAP! Great perspective!
Oh - and the counseling will help you all re-learn how to communicate with one another - as a Godly man he should understand and support that - Ephesians 5:22 - 33:)

I am so sorry this is going on in your life. First of all it sounds like a major communication break down. My first thing is that I think the good old D word should be off the table completely. It escalates everything and then it sounds like it turns into a power play for him to shut down the whole discussion. Plus you thinking divorce is even an option will only make staying seem so much harder, I really think asking God to take any desire to leave your marriage out of your heart would be a great start. The next thing is that you said you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around him, why? If you know he is a man of God, not going to hit you, just acts like a a big jerk sometimes and is moody, just stop catering to that. You have to be yourself and not let his moodiness dictate your life, regardless of his reaction. The more you disappear and try to move around his every emotion, the more he doesn't have you as a buffer and you guys become less and less of a team. He sounds like he can be a meanie at times, but I am sure there is more to him than that. So what if he yells or just acts bad, his problem. If he says something critical of you, can you just say you don't agree, who cares if he yells, you both have a right to have feelings here. Something has to happen to bring down this intensity level. My husband is a very strong willed human being, as am I, but when we got married I used to tell him he was mean alot. He would always fuss about things, like that I moved his stuff, or I never said sorry first, or that I accidentally locked the door when he just ran to car, or that I turned a burner off in the kitchen that he was going to use....on and on and he would get SO stinkin' mad about it!! I of course would react to this outpouring of anger with my own anger and tears etc, I am kind of a drama queen ;) Anyway as we worked through these things I started to see big areas where we just didn't trust each other much at all and this was the root of so many fights. Me not being sure his true motivation toward me was loving and positive and him not being sure it wasn't my life mission to run him. When things get all off balance everybody starts reacting and nobody is listening and trying to care for the other person. There is no way, in my opinion anyone can give you specific counsel from what you posted here bc we are not there and don't see what leads up to all this or what happened previously etc. The only thing I can say is that God never said 'as long as you both shall live unless one of you is a big fat jerk' ;) But a family should be happy and harmonious and I know living as you are takes such a huge toll. First I think forgiving him for all jerkiness is a must, just pour your heart out to God about all this. Then pray for him and your marriage and consider working on yourself and being an active part of your marriage. No more walking on egg shells and trying to keep the peace, it ain't working and you sound like you feel so stifled and pent up inside. There is an awesome book called 'Captivating' by Stasi Eldrege. It isn't about marriage, persay, but it is about being a woman and all the junk that has piled on us all our lives that we don't always even realize. I had major junk, but even just the regular things that happen throughout life can take a huge toll and we bring all that to marriage and parenting. It was a total life line for me and I highly recommend it. Anyway, I so wish I could help you more, but as I don't know all the details etc, I think that's all I got at the moment! I do think talking to someone you could trust would really help, but I get that finding that person can be darn near impossible even at church. But if you do trust your pastor's wife, maybe that would be a good place to start? You just want to take care that you don't go and talk to someone who will just cater to your pain and give you an exit strategy if you do care about staying married. Hang in there, I will say a prayer for your family. Take care!

Wow, I am sorry for your situation. My only advice is get some counseling for YOURSELF before you make any life changing decisions. Once you work through your own issues and figure out what YOU need it will be up to your husband to decide whether or not he wants to work on the marriage as well.

MP3, I just read something last night, and I don't recall who said or wrote it. It was basically that every married couple has grounds for divorce before they've been married a month. The thing they have to search for are grounds for marriage.

If your husband won't go to counseling, go by yourself. You don't go to counseling to find out what's wrong with someone else; you go to find out what kinds of changes *you* can make in order to meet your situation.

Nearly every married person starts out thinking it's the spouse's fault! I believe that's because it's what we're most aware of - that is, what my husband or wife is doing that makes *me* uncomfortable and unhappy. So you're in just the right place to talk to someone and understand what YOU can do. You won't regret learning more about yourself, will you?

The thing you don't want to do is act on the basis of your feelings. I know I'm being counter-cultural in saying this, but feelings are basically unreliable; they change so much, as you mention in your post. You say you feel pretty hopeless about the whole thing; yet you say there are some good days that give you hope. You're getting talked to on both sides by your feelings.

For what it's worth, these managerial-type people usually have a hard time thinking that they might be wrong about anything. They often don't allow themselves to imagine they could be wrong; it's horrifying to them. They're not any happier or problem-free than anyone else; in fact, they can be desolate inside their hard shells. It takes a mountain to move such people to ask for help. But being able to seek advice is YOUR strength. Go ahead and do it.

You won't be the first person in your congregation to ask your pastor for marriage help or the name of a counselor. It has probably happened more often than you imagine. Seek someone trustworthy who can help you *save* your marriage rather than end it, because that's what you (and, I think, your husband) really want - not the big D.

My DH and I have been disconnected too!! We both work fulltime and have three kids 6 and under. It is very hard! However, it seems like you both need to connect. Also, he does need to control anger and the criticism and it also seems like you need to give more to the marriage as well. Communication. Seems like some counseling to repair and work through some things is ideal. I would also suggest that you make your marriage a priority and create the 1:1 time. His anger and your selfishness might be because you are both unahppy where things are...

I completely agree with Ladybug - meet with a marriage counselor. They can give you tools/insight to improve yourself, improve your marriage and turn your lives around.
With the exception of mentally/physically abusive marriages, I think you should never walk away from your marriage without exploring ALL options to repair it. You took your oath before God: 'in good times and bad'...well these are the bad. You can overcome them. But you need a professionals help to do so.
Good Luck!

I know it is complicated by so many other things- but the short and sweet of it all is that "Love" is an action. It has to be cultivated to be alive in you- I agree with many of the others who say get counseling on your own if your hubs won't go- I personally believe all marriages have times like these- sometimes no all times life gets in the way of lust!- Sounds to me though that at the core of your marriage you've got a great foundation-Plan a getaway for just you both and spend some time alone- go with an open heart and not expecting the same thing out of him- remember who you were when you feel in love w/him (yes we all change, but gheez, have some fun!) maybe talk to him about going to a marriage conference instead of counseling- I asked my hubs about it thinking he would say "yea thanks, but I think I'll staple my hand to the wall instead" and he actually agreed to go- It was called Love& Respect- pretty awesome wknd after all! The golden rule is drop the "d" word- no talking about divorce when you're angry! Maybe a least read the book! The Love Dare is also a good place to start- for a month you follow these guidelines of loving actions and just sit back and watch the responses from your mate change! Just remember all the reasons you did love him, no marriage is perfect- think about how you will be feeling when you have to meet him to get the kids for the wknd and you see another woman holding him up on a pedestal for all the great things you mentioned (probably exactly the way you once did) and him strutting around like a rooster so proud of himself, b/c she makes him feel that way- will you wish you had him back?? something to think about- - - Just remember great marriages are made by the people in them. My advice? Don't give up yet! And most importantly!!! Pray woman pray! You're a faithful woman and so I'm sure you know God can do more in your marriage than you have ever imagined, if you let him! He loves you and your husband and does not want your marriage torn apart, are you putting him first? Chin up, behind every good man is a great woman! Many prayers for you!

Wow! I sympathize with you : ( I too have felt lost & feeling like I have nowhere to turn...My hubby & I have been together for 17 years married for 9 years. I have an 18 yr old from a previous relationship & we have 2 kids together a 6 1/2 yr old & a 2 1/2 yr old. I've been extremely unhappy for a long time for a number of reasons...after we got married it seemed like he was no longer that person I could turn to talk to w/o him getting defensive or mad. I've built up resentment. I am also orginally from Texas but now living in Michigan all my ties are in Texas.....my parents, brother & SIL come to Michigan at least once a year we used to go to Texas twice a year usually in the summer for a week then at Christmas for a week last year was my/our first Christmas that we did not go to Texas b/c he made the decision himself that we were'nt going so his mom & sister her family could come here (his family gets all the holidays & w/my family we only do Christmas) & now instead of us as a family going to Texas every summer for a week I make two trips spring/summer & make a girls week of it & he stays home w/the kids...he's a great man also very true to his words, I don't have to worry about what he's up to, very loving & caring good to me & kids (ours) but horrible at communication we have never been able to discuss or talk about anything without getting into huge fights; we feed off of each others emotions if one is cranky then so is the other I always say we bring out the worst in each other & have a toxic relationship I've brought up divorce ALOT; we can agree that we are both unhappy but he does not want to divorce because he says he will never be without his kids & I say we can't continue to live this way I'm unhappy & feel guilty because I don't feel like my kids are getting the best of me & I feel like I'm being a horrible mom because I'm cranky & become short for little that don't matter; it's unfair to my 6 1/2 yr old because of the constant tension. I've been saying we need counseling for over 2 yrs & he's agreed & even said he would take care of finding a counselor & making the appt for us & finally we have been in counseling together for almost 2 months it's helping. I am very much the one in control of everything (I became a SAHM after my daugther was born 6 1/2 yrs ago I was a legal assistant) I feel like I have to be the one in control otherwise things get put off for later & nothing gets done then I am the one that ends up doing everything. I am very critical & he feels like he can never do anything right whether it's loading or unloading the dishwasher, helping w/dinner or the kids whatever but w/counseling it's helped him see it's not about how he loaded/unloaded the dishwasher or folded the towels the issues are w/how we communicate or lack thereof, we have very different ideas on how to parent he lacks patience w/our 6 1/2 yr old & yells & if it will avoid meltdowns he gives in to the kids & lets them do whatever...when he walks in from work I can tell within a minute how the rest of the evening will go this is usually him asking me a question that i've already given him the answer to 2-3 times that day so I know he is disconnected & will not be much help w/the kids or to me & I'll become very irritated & sarcastic and an argument about something will start. I feel like we have more bad days than good days & on the good days I feel like I'm so in love w/my hubby & the bad days I feel like I'm trapped in an unhappy marriage & I feel sad that my kids have to see me so unhappy then I get angry at my hubby because I feel like he's being selfish. Our counselor gave us Seven Principals for making a marriage work to read we've both read the book & will be working through the exercises. The counseling is helping us both; we do date nights at least once a month; we go to counseling once a week & leave the kids w/a sitter and we spend a little xtra time after our sessions talking over ice cream before going home. I'm beginning to let go of some resentment but some is still there because we're still living in Michigan & I have no support system here I miss my family a lot.