Need Help in Dealing with My Self-esteem and Body

had 2 c sections up and down, i didnt mind the scar because i had 2 beautiful babies.
I was in 2 car accidents in 6 years and went broke. It wasnt so bad at first, but without exercise, my skin hangs like a 90 y/o and hate it. wishing for a tummy tuck because its awful. lost a lot of weight so you are not alone. pain is awful but am hoping somerthing good will happen. keep the faith, have that all will be welle

I've read the other responses. While I believe you do seem to have some kind of body dysmorphic-thing going on, I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist, so I can't tell you how to fix your body. What I'd like to suggest is something different. This may sound too sharp at first, but let me explain after: stop thinking about yourself for a while. Think for a moment about your husband, this man who loves you, who married you when you probably didn't feel "marry-able" (yes, I just made up that word). ;) When you hate for him to touch you, when you tell yourself that you're hideous, when you don't allow him to see you, I honestly believe you are - or could be -hurting him, this man that you "love with all that [you] are." How can you possibly love him with all that you are when you keep from him your very body? Think of how HE must feel: "I think she's beautiful and just fine the way she is, but she doesn't. Does she disregard my opinion like that on a lot of other issues? How does that make me look?"

I know this will make sound old-fashioned or like some religious zealot, living in a backwards community somewhere, but I honestly believe this. When you got married, you were to become one flesh. You surrendered your own exclusive identity to become one with your husband (not to disappear, but like an egg....the white & the yolk...without one, the other is not a whole egg). Try to see yourself through his eyes. Try to give up your self-hatred for his benefit. Trying to do it for yourself doesn't seem to have worked. I genuinely applaud you for not shutting down completely and refusing to leave the house. I'm confident it's very difficult for you to go out/see people/pretend you're happy with the way you are.

You didn't mention any religious or spiritual aspect of your life, so maybe all this sounds like mumbo-jumbo, but I have seen lives transFORMED through living the life I believe God has called us to live - mine is one of them. Some may see it as "a crutch" or "giving up," but I don't see how following the rules for our lives, established by the Creator of our lives is a crutch; I call it common sense.

I wish you the very best on your journey to wholeness.
~ D. R.

Where do you live? I am so good at making people feel good about themselves. I used to feel the exact same way even though everyone told me differently. I went the opposite way and became too thin and still felt I wasn't good enough.
I now own BreakThru family fit 4 life and I make it's my life's purpose to help people especially women feel good about themselves.I'm always here and it's like family I promise you.Please read the book The Secret as well it changed my life and I think it can help you.
My e-mail is ____@____.com or call me ###-###-####.
Thanks,

K.

My girlfriend wrote a book because she dealt with exactly what you are going through and broke free! She wrote the book to help other women break free from body image, eating disorder and self-esteem issues.

Name of the book: A Thousand Little Bites

Website: 1000littlebites.com

I encourage you to order the book and read it. It's quick, entertaining and enlightening.

Good Luck!
J.

Maybe a group would help. Does Weight Watchers have group meetings? A place where you can learn to feel good about yourself and get encouragement from others. You are so lucky to have a husband who cares so much about you. You have the strength inside you - start small and it will build up.

My self - esteem has been suffering a bit with all the weight I gained after the birth of my daughter 6 months ago (and what was already there)... One thing I've been trying to do is whenever a negative thought enters my head, I try to push it out and then think something positive and soemthing I am greatful for (I carried and gave birth to this wonderful little girl!, I have been sustaining her life with my own breastmilk!, I am healthy, etc)... Get creative, think about all the postive things that you CAN do and that you HAVE done,even if you have to start out as simple that you are strong enough to hold your grandchildren in your arms!
Good luck!

The one thing that has helped me is to choose to believe what God says about me. "For it is You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, because I have been wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful and I know this very well." Psalm 139:13-14

Debi
I am B. Thurston and my email is ____@____.com For years I was the same way and had no self esteem. I got a wonderful husband who excepts me the way I am and always has encouraged me to do my best no matter what. We have been married twenty three years and have a special needs daughter who is twenty and I have been able to stay home with her and take care of her. I have been overweight all my life. Now I have several health issues. You have to think positve most the time and except yourself for yourself and the way your body is. I have break down fourteen years ago and ended up in the hospital and learned alot for about three weeks and I went to counselling and learned more. Don't beat yourself up. Get your therapist to get a dietian to help you to learn to eat right and try to excersise as much as you can. Don't let it build up inside you and tell people how you feel and go on with your life. I am 52 years old and learned the hard way. Stress can eat you up alive and spit you out. If your husband loves you and your family loves you and your friends let them in and let them help you I had a tough time when I was in my teens and was called all kind of names and didn't have self esteem either and my mom and dad divorced each other after twenty four years and I was a slow learner and had alot of problems I have two brothers and two sisters. Look at your family history and your genes and chromezones. I took after my grandmother on my father's side and they were all short and stocky people. Six months ago I got with a dietian and have loss 40 lbs and I suffer with lower back pain and artherisis and now I belong to the YMCA and go swimming alot because I can't walk real fast and I am just getting so I can get around without a scooter and use a cart and walk slow because I broke a right ankle and have six screws and steel plate where I fall on the ice trying to get in our house twelve years ago on ice in Janurary. You have to be strong and tell yourself that you are just as good as anyone else and don't keep hiding. I eat 1000 calories a day and 170 carbs no pepsi or coke and no junk foods and no sweets because I am diabetic with kidney diease and I have pulomary lung diease and I did not smoke heavy either but my parents and friends did, I was premature to begin with and had allergies and other problems when I was a kid. Could not eat peanut butter and was allergic to milk. You have to quit worring about what other people think and let lose and be yourself and except youself for the way you are. Believe me you will be at peace if you do. I write down what I eat and I write in a journal everyday about what is going on in my life. I suffer with depression alot but you need to socialize and have family and friends support you and your co workers if you work out. Get into a support group on the internet or support group in your town or city. We all have our problems and you have to live in the future not the past and do the best you can with what you have. Don't give up keep fighting and you will become a better person. Have faith in god and stop drinking and smoking if you do and take one day at a time. I hope I have helped you and feel free to email me anytime and believe me your not alone when it comes to a weight problem. Take care and god bless you and keep you healthy and safe. B. Thurston

Dear D.,
I know the feeling. I don´t like my body either I am heavy and I am tall. Needless to say 2 C-sections add to the problem.
You need to say as I say it is my body and it is who I am. My husband agrees with this, he is happy with me no matter what he loves me. I think that yours does too. It is not how we look on the outside, but what we are in the inside that counts. Love you husband and don´t be embrassed about your body. If you cannot lose the weight don´t worry he will love you anyway. Come out of your shell. Live Love and Be Happy.

A Friend

Hi!!! your not alone in this. My husband only gets to touch in the dark and gets yelled at if he comes in the bathroom while I shower. I even have glass doors and a dark colored, non see through, shower curtain that I pull closed when in the shower. I have about 150lbs to lose and struggle daily with my self esteem. Why do I write when I struggle too? So you know that you are not alone! I try to remember that my husband loves me any way and that no matter how I look I am more than what I look like. My weight does stop me from things but if the people who "love" me are critical then they don't love me. It is one thing for someone to be concerned for your health but a whole other if they are mean about it. Remind yourself every time you go to a party that people like you because you are smart, funny or whatever your great attributes are and not because you wear a size (whatever). You have great attributes!!! Maybe the husband, kids and grandkids need to help you see them! God Bless and remember you are a worthwhile person and loved so hold on to that and GO PARTY HEARTY!!! A.

Wow! I just read all the other responses and am very impressed by the wisdom and experience there.
I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner and so I usually prescribe medication along with psychotherapy to help people move from where they are mentally stuck. When therapy and peer support and positive self talk aren't enough to help you move forward, a psychiatric evaluation and possibly some medication might be the next step. I would be happy to discuss this with you if you email me.
Hang in there,
-C.

You should read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It has helped me tremendously (and I'm not even finished with it yet!) I too was having self eateem issues and it was affecting my marriage. My husband is thrilled with the change in me, I'm much happier and so is my whole family. I had no idea how much my mood was affecting everyone around me. Oprah is doing an online class for this book, you can check it out at her website.

D.,

You are describing some deeply imbedded feelings that you need to THOROUGLY understand or you will not be able to begin to shake them. Your therapist may be inadequate to help you--you might need someone with a different approach. How long have you been seeing him/her? My heart aches for your low self-esteem--I struggle with feelings of abandonment, never feeling safe in the world. These things need to be really understood in terms of from where did they spring as a child.
Only then can you really move them aside.
Big HUG!!!

Over the past few weeks, I have had about a half dozen conversations with friends about this same subject. For the most part, I am comfortable with who I am, but (a) it has taken ALOT of self determination to get that way; and (b) I am EXTREMELY worried about passing my insecurities on to my now six-month old daughter.

Honestly, I have come to believe that much of our own self-doubt comes from taunting we may have received as a child. So, I would challenge you to do this: think back to grade school, middle school and high school. Think back to the words of parents, siblings, cousins, etc. Were you ever picked on by your classmates, family or friends, even "playfully"? If so, are you feeling self-conscious about those same things? If you find this is the case, maybe you and your therapist can explore the power of these words. You may also wish to find another therapist if you are not making headway with this one.

I wish you SO much luck. This is not an easy issue for anyone and believe me, more women struggle with this than you know.

I have had some of the feelings you discussed - I suffer from anxiety. I never wanted to go out, hated my husband touching me - it all stemmed from my anxiety. I DO NOT take prescriptions - I actually tried several but the side effects were worse than the problem the drugs were supposed to fix.

I have done several things that have helped me. I take great supplements including OPC-3 (an antioxidant) and a B-Complex (B-12 especially is great for anxiety) I get mine thru www.marketamerica.com

I have also joined a church, met some great people, and am part of a women's group where we focus on ourselves: healing, celebrating our own uniqueness and more. I started doing meditation, some guided, some not - and it has helped boost my self esteem, helped me find out who I am and helped amazingly with my anxiety issues. Granted - the anxiety is never completely gone - but I finally feel NORMAL and at home in my own skin.

I watched a movie called The Secret - it made me believe I am what I think about - I just started telling myself that I am what I wanted to become and it has happened for many things in my life.

I'm going to tell you what a therapist said to me many years ago: "JUST LET GO OF IT". This took awhile for me to understand but one day it just came to me, like a light bulb going on in my head which I'm now hoping will happen for you.....
Your feelings about yourself isn't the reality at all, they are just incorrect feelings (notions) that were fed to you somewhere in your young childhood. Those feelings and notions don't belong to you at all, they belong to whom ever raised you or fed them to you. So, just let go of them.

Be the prom queen you really are. Allow your beauty to shine for you and your husband. That's the reality.

Hi D. -

I think you will find that lots of women can associate with your feelings. We live in a world that shows us unrealistic models (they airbrush the pictures) and push all these lose weight fast pills.

I have always been slightly overweight, with low self-esteem. After I had my 2nd child I went up to 220lbs. I was very upset and self-concious about what I wore and going out in public, especially during summer!

I started an exercise routine and that helpped some, but not to much. I then joined karate (at 31). What a difference! Not only has it helped me to lose weight but taught me self-defence which also gave me confidence in myself. I lost 40 lbs and kept it off for over a year and a half. I recently cut back on my training and put 30 lbs back on. How frustrating and discouraging! I can feel some of the self-confidence leaving. I have recommitted to working out 3-4 days per week and watching what I eat until I lose it again. Its been 4 months of training and not even one once has went, but I now it will. I am not giving up because I know my health will be better in the long run. The excess weight has put more pressure on my joints and makes jogging difficult at times, so I have modified to a machine that doesnt put the extra pressure on my joint for now.

We have a saying at our dojo 'goals we set, are goals we get'. Set a goal (a small one - mine right now is just 10 lbs) and work toward it with determination, no matter how long it takes. Just accomplishing your goal will increase your confidence in yourself. Join a fitness club that is not just a gym, like Curves or Yoga or even Karate. Something where they celebrate with you as you make your goal.

Remember that having a husband who loves and supports you is the most wonderful thing. Doing more activities together, like bike riding or walking, roller blading will also support a healthy life as a family with fitness and increase your bond.

Best of Luck! Dont give up on yourself your awesome!

Hi D.,
I totally am with you. There is one key thing different...I would never be Prom Queen. God gave me my beauty on the inside not the outside. I know this makes husbands mad. Have you tried couples therphy? Are you really anxious? Maybe some better intervention than talk theraphy would help. I take cymbalta and it has helped me some.

I used to go and get my nails done and this made me feel really special, have you ever done this? It is a small way to accept sharing who you are. Good luck. We are all kinds of shapes and sizes but if you really love someone what they weigh should not lead to bad vibes. Accept who you are and be proud...mother and grandmother are really wonderful accomplishments!
K.

Hi D., I am one of the "older ladies" Same as you, married children and grandchildren too. I sometimes look at bathing suit catalogs and wish I could order a flat belly. But seriously,your body is just a shell to enclose your heart.
I keep trying to get in shape but my husband too, loves me as I am. He just wants me to be healthy. I pray that you can get over this. Life is too short to worry. If God loves you as you are, you can too. Yours truly, Grandma Mary

Hi D.,

When I was younger I didn't feel so good about my body either although everyone thought it was great to be thin. I am 51 now and put on a few pounds which I don't mind as long as I can manage the few pounds. My husband married me for me, not because of what I looked like and yours did the same. It's what's on the inside of people that make the person. There is a saying that only oversized people say that but it's true for all of us. I never felt pretty enough or good enough but if you sit and listen to other people you will find they have far worse problems than we do. Be thankful for your health and the fact that your husband still desires to touch you. If we don't have our health our looks are the least of our worries. Our husbands are home with us at night and not out chasing Barbie. We have a lot to be thankful for and sometimes we just have to take a step back from ourselves to see ourselves. God Bless, J.

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Just remember, your husband loves you for who you are on the inside, not what you look like on the outside.

I'm not a leader or a sponsor for this: join Weight Watchers. It not only helps you lose the weight, but it helps you feel better about yourself because they teach you how to work with your self esteem. There are other people out there that have the same feelings as you, and talking it over with those people may be comforting to you. I believe you can sit in on a meeting for free to see if its something you'd enjoy.

Good luck, and hang in there.

Hi D.,
Just know that you are definitely not alone in your feelings. I look forward to reading the responses you get. I wish you the absolute best.
L.

This sounds like a hormonal imbalance to me. I think you should detox your body, start excercising, and taking a high quality fish oil such as Nordic Naturals or Carlson. I am a Holist Health Counselor who specializes in women and children.

I think you need to ask your counselor about body dysmorphic disorder. Your description of how you feel is very similar to a friend of mine and he told me that is what he has.

I am guessing a lot of women can relate to you, I know I can. I'm glad you're in therapy, it sounds like you need to work out some of these body image and self esteem issues. Rather than trying to disrobe all at once, maybe try baby steps. Change in front of your husband a piece of clothing you like most about your self. Like... Let's say you think your breast are okay, try getting comfortable changing your shirt in front of him. Some people have higher and lower thresholds for nudity comfort. That is OK. I have a friend who likes to strut around naked. I can't imagine it! But, I don't have any trouble being naked in front of my husband. Have you considered that you might have a type of generalized anxiety disorder? It can really affect your comfort levels about yourself, social situations, etc. How long have you been in therapy? Again, I am glad you are in it...but, hopefully you're making progress, if not maybe you need to see someone else?

hi D.;

i'm sure you got a zillion heplpful responses already but i couldn't resist responding because i have dealt w the same issues all my life. i'm 38 and i have a 3 yr old and a 15 mo old and a fantastic , amazing, sexy, loving, involved husband; basically my life is wonderful and i'm working on giving myself liberty from the same kinds of feelings that you described. working on it is the best i can do.

and it might end up being the best you can do, too. i try a lot of small things, like seeing myself through my children's eyes, seeing myself with the gratitude that my husband has for me (this is a second marraige for both of us after treacherous, abusive firsts, and we know how lucky we are to have found each other and had our kids.) i did go to Weight Watchers and am still on it to lose my baby weight. and i still get really stressed out if i have a week of non-program eating and can suddenly feel that 2 or 3 lbs glom onto me... it's rediculous how something so small can overshadow all the gifts in my life. but there it is.

it does help to stay on the Weight Watchers plan as strictly as possible. i had weight and food problems all my life, and i can't eat normally without help; it's useful to me to just accept that about myself; i'm not good at eating, i need help with it. so i sort of leave that up to Weight Watchers, go by thier rules, and that works for me. i take a vigorous exercise walk EVERY morning no matter what, even if we are busy and i have to get up at 5 to do it; it's my hour alone to let off steam, and it makes me feel like i can eat without panicking.

i accept in myself that i use food to help me cope with stress; i wish i didn't, but i do; and it's not a crime! it's not a great habit, but it's deeply ingrained in me. i try to always have carrots and really yummy dressing in the house; NOT DIET DRESSING. if it's diet, it doesn't satisfy my need to treat myself or crunch away the anxiety. so what if i end up eating an extra 200 calories of dressing that day? if i stick to the main scope of my wieght watchers plan, it's minimal damage.

and some days, maybe once or twice week, i have to have candy. i am an at home mom all alone with no family other than my husband and no help because we're on a strict budget, and some days i feel like i have given every last drop of my self to others and i need something rediculous and selfish in return, so again, i have the candy; but i count it on my eating plan, i add a mile to my walk, i drink an extra couple glasses of water, and it doesn't seem to impact me negatively. i can't say that this will work for everyone, but it's the coping balance that i have worked out.

the thing i also like about weight watchers is they ask you to think about where the excessive eating is coming from; w me it's always anxiety. i have too much to do. so i try to do less of things that don't really have to take priority and focus more on my walk and my food; these are about the only things i can devote time to for myself. and i would say also, when are you eating; night eating is the killer. at some point in the day, after your final meal or final snack or whatever, you have to commit to stopping. pick a time of day to stop eating and stick with it.

lastly, i would say, kiss your high school body good bye once and for all. it's not coming back, especially if you've had kids; and be so greatful for your nice husband, so many husbands just suck. try to be in the moment now, in the moment with your food, your present life; it's a great life. this is the body that you have. try to liberate yourself from the rest of the baggage.

good luck and lotza luv
J.

D.

I normally don't respond to these things, I just observe and watch the current trends because I am an author. But I have to say my heart went out to you. I am an authority on the mind body connection and wrote "Be A Body Psychic" (see it on StellarWellnessServices.com/boutique.

I give mind/body readings/consultations and what I can tell you is that your intuition is right about looking at your past and growing up..Here is what I'm getting just based on your name.

Most if not all of body image issues have to deal with personal perception and expectation. Many times those standards are taught to us however subconsciously by our mothers. First I think you should make some attempt to heal your relationship with your mother. I get the impression that your mother had the same problem you did growing up and never figured out a way to resolve it (her criticisms came from her father however). Having not resolved it you a young open minded "sponge" if you will, willingly soaked in that information. And as much as this seems like a purely psychological problem it is more a spiritual issue.

So here's the good news your impression of yourself is inaccurate!! OK that's the easy part here's the hard part. I would like you to sit quietly alone at least once a day with no interruptions. While you sit begin taking long slow deep breaths filling your abdomen first and allowing the breath to fill your entire lungs. This should relax you enough to do a brief visualization. Close your eyes and imagine that you can see directly into your body. Bring your awareness into your stomache area the location of the solar plexus (and ultimately the location of self-esteem. Breathing deeply and evenly here allow any images come into your mind. This may be painful but necessary to allow them to heal.. Then after you feel you've "seen" enough imagine that you are able to send love, this can be a brilliant light, to every part of your body beginning at the the top of your head and flowing all the way down to your feet. Imagine that you are a glowing light filled body and know that anything you need to do for your body to get to the right weight and stay healthy you have the power and the authority to do safely. See yourself in your mind's eye as being beautiful without shame or criticism gently allow those feelings to flow out of you and down into the earth. Then bring your focus back into the room, into your chair and open your eyes.

Now this takes some practice to do but it will set into motion a few different processes that will help you heal your self-esteem as well as your relationship with your mother. Your actions will on another level allow your mother to release some anger at her father. Your mother may have some issues with cancer as a result of stored anger from the past.

That's it in a nutshell I sincerely hope this helps you to see yourself as a powerful beautiful and balanced woman.

In Light and love
N. Davis
Author "Be A Body Psychic"
Director StellarWellnessServices.com
Host THE MIND BODY CONNECTION
Robinhoodradio.com

I hear you and know what you are talking about. I was 22 years old with three children . I was 126 lb and did not know that I was thin. I did not have a good self esteem either. My husband has always tried to encourage me to feel better about mysellf. Now I'm 56 and weigh 170 lb. I would like to lose some weight and plan to eat better and start getting more active to lose some weight. I go to the doctor on a regular basis for alllergy shots and

Please know that you are not the only one out there who feels this way. I, too, am too sensitive about how I look and am uncomfortable being seen by my spouse. I am not heavy but I was as a child until I lost weight with an eating disorder. His compliments bother me because I don't believe them myself, and it is hard for him to understand this. I've been trying acupuncture for depression -- I'm going to someone who has lots of degrees and certificates -- and it helps me where therapy and meds did not. But I still have a ways to go. I just keep practicing the right words to say -- thank you instead of ugh -- and sometimes that helps too. I also found a really nice peppermint body spray through chamisaridge.com. I spray it in the room instead of on me, and I must say it makes me smile and feel better.

What is keeping you from living the life you want to live? I have been struggling with this myself. If I want to honor God or be a better Mom or have a more organized home, what is keeping me from doing that? I too want to lose weight - I have lost 35 pounds about two years ago, and now I want to lose 20 more before my 40th birthday (myfooddiary.com helped me so much with my weight). I try to remind myself that this is my life. I am in control of my attitude. I pray a lot and read my Owner's Manual (the Bible). If the therapist you are seeing is not helping you, maybe you should change to someone else. I hope you can feel better about yourself soon. I wish you nothing but the best, Deb.

my dear dear D. you are so not alone in your feelings. im 37 and was always a trim, athletic size 6, since having my son 10 months ago i ballooned to a size God know what and have about 30 lbs. to lose. Im suffering from some severe back pain due to pregnancy that wont go away so i cant exercise like i used to. I too hate the way i look right now and i took a step forward and bought the nutri system diet program. Seriously the food is pretty good and after the intial 2-3 days of hunger pains, i got used to eating a little less and have lost 6 lbs. so far. You need to seriously ask yourself why you are so unhappy? your husband looks at your eyes, your smile, your heart and your caring mind, not a little extra flub around the middle. He loves you for YOU, not if you are too skinny or too heavy. So many of us compare ourselves to the "movie star" image and that is so wrong because beauty comes from within, not from your waist size. Look at heavier beautiful womean and rejoice, ie Queen Latifah - little heavy but beautiful smile, i cant think of any others, i just saw her on a commercial. Just love yourself and dont look down, look straight ahead and inside...email me if you want to chat more...D. :)