Need Help!!!!! - Cartwright,OK

I have had the same problem for almost six years. I try to explain that one mouth kiss is not my idea of foreplay. We finally found that him giving me a massage first relaxes me from the day. Then he slowly moves to more private areas and takes his time. That usually works for me. Also a lot of moms have said that watching adult movies with their partner helps jumpstart things. I am not a proponent of that but putting a mirror behind you and taking a peek, can make things quite interesting and provide visual stimulation. Good luck.

I don't know if anyone mentioned it yet, but are you still breastfeeding by any chance? B/c I know that for me breastfeeding completely overloaded my system w/ hormones and I couldn't stand for my husband to so much as lay a hand on me. But within a week of weening I was suddenly ready to go again (a lot!) If I hadn't weened at 4 months we may have wound up divorced...
Good luck!

I've been there too and what I found is the more I initiate, the more I want it. Plus, when you initiate you are more likely to be more into it thus causing you to want it more. It will be hard at first but try to initiate at least 3 times a week.

I am having a similar problem with my husband. I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with a 15 month old and although I love my husband dearly, am not always in the mood for sex. I think a lot of it does have to do with being exhausted and just not feeling all that sexy. I will say though that it helps to know that after all this time and with my body growing, I love that he still desires me in that way. That helps me to get more excited about it all. I don't have much advice as I am going through it too. I do know that you need to take time for each other, whether that entails sex or not. Maybe just a dinner out or a glass of wine once your little girl goes down for the night. Even reading a book together. Anything to relax you and get you more focused on each other. One thing may lead to another...Just try to stay connected. It is really important. Good luck-to both of us!!

Hang in there Mama! I subscribed to growthrac's daily devotional for insight and began to pray for my marriage. Looking for a new perspective and encouragement has been a huge blessing. They have great topics on sex, marriage and kids.
- Life-Changing Resources for Your Marriage
http://www.growthtrac.com

I'm 38(today!),married to a wonderful man 16 1/2 years with 3 kids (13,10 and 3yrs)
Worry about nothing, PRAY about everything! Yes, even sex!!!

It's very weird what a birth can do to your body! Same experience here. Recently I bought Adam and Eve's Dual Pleasure Vibrating Cock Ring (no affiliation). He wears it and it has these powerful vibrating eggs attached. Its a cool sex toy that you both can enjoy. Also, I find that I am more interested in sex right after my period so I try to do it more then. Lastly, there are times when I am soo not feeling it, so I "help him out". Sexual activity does not have to include actual sex. He may prefer sex but will be happy anyway when he achieves the same, ahem, outcome!

Boy have I been in this boat. I was a wild animal during that wonderful 2nd trimester of pregnancy with our first child and all I can say is WOW- the hormone levels in your body have A LOT to do with your sex drive.

Talk to your doctor- and if that doctor thinks you're crazy- talk to another one. You can also look for OTC vitamins and hormones- the better you feel on every level, the better you'll feel towards sex.

And I'm going to get "freaky" here and probably make all the more reserved moms on this blog a little crazy, but for me- I have no problems talking about sex. I believe its natural and that EVERYONE needs it! (Consenting adults- that is) Have some fun with your hubby. Kids change the mix, so you have to get creative. I could probably make a few women blush if I went into detail about the creative locations, times and opportunities that my husband and I have "jumped" on. :) And, I also think- that sex doesn't have to last forever to be good. My husband and I have it down to a science- we both know how to "get there" quick- so when time is not available, but the mood has struck- we get down to business.

Ok- not trying to be raunchy here- I just am not close minded when it comes to this subject. Another thing I would suggest is to talk to your husband about what you're feeling and the issues you're having. A good man will understand and work with you through the problems.

The best of "luck" to you! I really hope that you're able to work this one out.

Navara,
This happens to almost every woman at some point in her life. Talk to your OB/GYN. Ask for a blood test to see if your hormone levels are right. You may need to see a therapist if your hormones are where they should be. Sometimes becoming a mom does a number on your brain and keeps you from feeling sexy. Don't give up and ask your husband not to give up on you. With time, talking to a professional, or a hormone shot may be what you need to bring the romance back to your marriage.

I know this sounds weird but your PH levels may be out of whack and causing you to not be interested in sex. You could try an alkaline diet and see if it helps, it sure has many I know.

You can go to metabolictherapies.com and check out their food chart or go to this site and you can ask....good luck
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Me and my husband went throught the same thing (we have a two year old I have been with him for 13 years and married for 9)we even went as far as going to a counslour (??spelling) but what she brought to our attention is the fact that we had lost our romance and women need that to get our fires going so she assigned us to a date night at least everyother week just us two and leave the baby with a sitter or even over night with family and we would go to the movies and out to eat or sit and have drinks somewhere and not talk about the baby (beleive me it is really hard to not do that ) we held hands, snuggled at the movies just like old times and it really felt good to rekindle that again. It works just try it, its really strange at first but think of it as dating again and that electricity that you used to feel when he kissed you will come back. My husband even went as far as to open the car door for me when we go into the vehicle (I cant even remember the last time he had done that)also let him know what you liked about each date that will encourage him to do more of what ever to keep your fire going! The therapist said women cant shut off their brains like men can and that is the reason we can switch from mother to lover we are always thinking ahead ninty to nothing. Good luck but from on mother to another the date night thing works even getting away for a romantic weekend every couple months helps too go buy your self something that you feel sexy in and go have fun let Loose!

I didn't see any responses, so I thought I would try to help.

I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. After my first one, I didnt' really have much interest either, I could leave it just fine much more so than before we had children. Of course my husband didn't see it that way. It could be just a matter of you being tired and the hormone changes you have gone through in your life. What I did was regardless of how I felt somedays I tried to meet my husband's needs occasionally and tried to get extra rest before hand so I wasn't too tired. There are still times especially now tha we have a 2 month old also, I am way too tired to even think about it much. I have tried to explain to my husband that staying up extra late just for that isn't as interesting to me because I will be getting up shortly to feed our son anyway that I need my sleep. So we have tried a "Before Midnight" rule. I will try to be interested or just try with him if it is before midnight and if it is after he will be considerate that I am exhausted and need my sleep. That has helped.

If you are really concerned I would talk to your GYN about it, if it is hormonal then it is possible that they can help. The good news is that the longer out I was post-partum the more interested I got again.

I used to say that my husband expected me to be "Mother Goose" and immediately turn into "Madonna"! I've been married 19 years and have used every excuse in the book. What sometimes works for me is reading a good romance novel, or watching a romantic movie. Take all the advice that others are giving you about finding a babysitter and taking time for just you two. I also find that praying to God to help you get in the mood also helps. God Bless you and your family!

I can totally relate to you on this...There were times early in our relationship when I was all about sex, but it was new to me as well since I hadn't had much experience in that area...but now that we have had so many children I have to make a very conscious effort to "let him" and try to get into it...not that I don't enjoy it at times, but I feel like I could almost live without it...we go round and round on this issue, and I do feel bad, but I'm very stubborn and won't "give in" on principal unless I truly want to... I don't have any great advice, but I just wanted to chime in and let you know you are not alone...and I'll be reading all of your advice for tips of my own...thanks for posting :)

I would contact your doctor and get a blood test to check your hormones. I think you are going through something a lot of women go through after having a baby. Good luck!

I found myself feeling the same way. I was so cought up with the baby and I was tired when it came to night. I never dressed up, put nice makeup. He neve got dressed up for me either. Well I did not realize it untill I walked on my husband the the computer! It sounds funny, but it was not. It hurt my feelings that he was doing that. So I started to work out as much as I could. Even if we walked around the block togeather. THen I was a bridemaid in my sister wedding. SO I was dressed up and hair done the works. I felt HOT! My husband was looking at me like he used to. It felt great!! So I told myself we have to look nice for each other. I bought some toys etc. Not over the top or anything! But it has been great since.

Cut yourself some slack girl! You are a young mother!! You are wrapped up in your child and trying to handle all other stresses as well...house, work?, money, friends, family, etc! It all affects how you feel about yourself and your sex drive. You definitely need to communicate this to your husband. It is so important that he understand how you feel and also he may just ease some of that stress and really make you feel like letting him "take you away" :)

Just as every woman who has responded to you...I too have been in this spot. I was married for 7 years who at first we had the BEST sex life! Once I got pregnant and had our son, my drive was gone. (It didn't help that he had started cheating on me.) I thought that I HATED sex. After we got divorced and I married my new husband, I realized that I do enjoy sex. My husband makes sure he "takes care of me" first. If you know what I mean. My husband explains to me that he needs to feel wanted and loved just like we do, but when we want love, affection and massages...they want all that too...just something else massaged. LOL! But it's true. I think if you communicate with your husband about what you like and don't think of it as a "chore," things will get better. I know how awkward it can be at first. I thought my husband was crazy at first when he wanted me to tell him what I liked, etc. I felt very uncomfortable, but he loves it and I enjoy pleasing him too. I was much surprised to see how pleasing all of it could be for me as well. Hang in there! I think one of the best pieces of advice you've received is to make sure to have "date nights." It is AMAZING what it can do for your relationship. Good luck!
PS...maybe try to do it in the morning...surprise your hubby by joining him while he's taking his shower before work. He'll love it!

I haven't had personal experience with this yet but I may be able to help. We as women tend to be more about the emotional part where men are more physical. My husband and I are always touching each other. I may walk by and run my hand across his butt or if we are talking we are on the couch and somehow touching each other. Sometimes even a little flirting during the day is nice. A lot of times this doesn't lead to anything more but it does help when the thought is already there. Plus you may need your husband to do a little more foreplay to help get you in the mood. You could also try getting yourself a little in the mood and then try starting it yourself. You may have to put a little more effort into it for a while until you get your drive back. i know there are medications that help but it may just be that your tired. A 13 month old can really take your energy. Talk with your husband about what you think you need. If it's more effection throughout the day or if it's a nap before dinner so that you aren't as tired. Whether you are a SAHM or a Working mom add things in here and there to save you on time and energy like a slow cooker that you start at 7 or 8 am so that dinner is ready without extra effort. I've had a lot of couples tell me to never lose the flirting with my husband. It helps give a healthy relationship. Again it probably will not always lead to anything more but keeps the emotions flying. Hope some of this helps.

I'm in the same boat with the exception of my husband's response. Some of you may call this lucky but we have recently been through couple counseling. We had our difficulties at first; but then found the counseling to be wonderful for our marriage. We needed a mediator to communicate with each other about our needs. Finding a middle ground or compromise has been very helpful to keep each of us happy. We came out of the counseling with a more solid marriage. It is very easy to get caught up in kids and careers, both of us were caught up!

I would highly recommend counseling. Understanding each other's needs and getting comfortable talking about those needs is very important, and not something you two can fix by just reading a book.

Good luck!

This is so normal, my friends and i have talked about this and let me tell you... get something to help YOU get excited you know what i mean? buy toys, it has helped so many of my friends, I know it sounds crazy......sorry

I was in your shoes until a little over a year ago when things got really shaky between my husband and me. He finally came clean that he wasn't feeling loved and hadn't felt loved most of the 6 years that we had been together because I didn't want sex as much as he did (I only wanted it 3-4 times a month). For me it was a matter of resolving psychological stuff associated with sex from my childhood (inappropriate babysitter, promiscuous mother, etc.). Sex to me wasn't something people did because they loved each other, it was done to get something or to fulfill some carnal need. It took some counseling for me as well as for the 2 of us and we are now better than ever, and so is the sex, and now I'm actually bugging him 3-5 times a week for it. Find out what may be behind your feelings on sex, maybe see your doctor and get some bloodwork done, go buy yourself something sexy and a mutually pleasuring toy and go with it. Don't put so much thought into it, just have fun!!! Good luck!!

My son is just about to be 13 months also, so I understand how tiring being a mommy can be! I don't know if you are working a job on top of the full time job of motherhood, but if so, it is probably just sheer exhaustion. Now you mentioned that you have never been too crazy about sex which makes me wonder if there is a reason behind that. I mean I know it is messy and takes time etc, but girl it's worth the trouble!! I read a book called "Intended for Pleasure" by Dr. Ed Wheat that just answered so many of the questions I had about sex. Sex can be enjoyable every time if we just understand a couple of things #1 men and women are different and need to be fired up differently and #2 there are some really common physical things that can make sex less fun than it should be. Anyway, the guy is a doctor so his approach is practical and easy to understand and he approaches sex as a loving commitment between husband and wife, not as some act that the more wild you get the better it is (not that wildness is bad!). I think your husband might like it too, plus he will probably love the fact that working on your sex life is a priority for you too. You guys have so many facets of your relationship but somehow when the sex gets out of whack other stuff gets tougher too!! Hang in there, and hit the sheets girlfriend ;)

very normal unfortunately, you have a young child that you hold and take care of all day-- you're tired, maybe a little "touched out", and maybe sex isn't such a driving force. I guarantee many of us have been there. my advice? fake it til you make it. I mean the desire. You definitely won't always feel like it, but this is an important part of your relationship. Your husband will appreciate it, and I bet will be more aware of your needs too. In serious situations, talk to your dr. I believe there are medicines that make sex less painful, or increase your desire, hopefully making the whole situation more enjoyable. Good Luck!!

Talk to your doctor and have your hormone levels checked. Lack of interest in sex can be attributed to many things, hormones and tiredness are just a couple.

After I had my son my ob put me on bc pills that would not affect milk production for nursing. Well, as soon as I went back to work that dried up anyway.

Of course I was tired. I was working full time and when my son was 2 I went back to college full time. My poor husband, sex would sometimes have a month break. I just had no interest.

Well, my ob moved, I read an article in a mag about different bc pills, so I asked my new ob. She said other than tiredness, it was probably the bc pills. She switched me to a different pill and it definitely helped. We still have dry spells because we get so busy. But, at least the urge is back again.

I am 22 and I am going through the exact same thing. We have a 11 month old daughter and I am just not interested in sex either. I think in my case alot of it has to do with the fact I am exhausted. I take care of her everyday, all the time while he does nothing. I have alittle bit of resentment about that. I hope that you can work it out with him cause I still havent found a solution to the problem..

You might want to go see your doctor and ask them to run some hormone level tests. Having a baby can throw your hormones off which was cause loss of libido. Trust me, I know! If that is the problem than your dr. can give you some hormone supplements to take until your body can balance itself out.

Force yourself to wear sexy lengerie underneath your regular clothes. It will put you in the mood. And, even if it doesn't, it will seem like you're initiating sex without the effort. Buy some new lengerie that will cause some excitement - something that you know will get your husband's surprised attention. You will enjoy the anticipation of him finding out. Watch romantic movies that you know will put you in the mood during the day - when hubby isn't around - and you'll be ready for him when he gets home. These aren't solutions - but will help you keep helping you keep your husband content during the dry spells. And, the more often you have it, the more often you'll begin enjoying it, which in turn will make you want it. It will pay off to force yourself to do these things. Have fun! And you're soooo right - don't deprive him or you will lose him. Most men can't handle being neglected for too long.

N.
This is completely normal after you have had a baby and your sex drive can be affected for a good two years. Firstly, from all the hormonal changes and massive stress on a mother's body during pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding and then from waking up all hours of the night for the baby and being sleep deprived. It takes a huge toll on one's sex drive. Now your baby has become a toddler who needs to be watched every second of the day and this is absolutely exhausting.
All these things combined with perhaps side effects of the pill, means that it takes time to get back into the swing of things again.
Explain this to your husband so that he can be understanding with you and if you are very concerned about it, you can speak to your obs/gyn.

Some times, it's okay to go ahead and try if your in a good mood, but not really horny, sometimes just starting helps.
Also, you can give him that attention with out becoming *so* engaged. Try a quicky oral or hands first thing in the morning for him if you have moment before baby wakes up. That way he is clear for the day, he feels loved, and you *initiated* (even if it is just something to do) try to be happy that he likes it and you so much. Try masturbating when he is gone, that can bring a drive up pretty fast, and is rewarding because it is just for you. Hope this helps.

PS there is a long history of men doing things for the woman to help her drive, weather it is house cores , or extra long foreplay.

I understand where you are coming from. Having babies and ecspecially if you are breastfeeding can really hinder your sex drive. But relationships need to be healthy in this area as well. This is something to really talk to some experts about like your OB/GYN or a family therapist because it truly can drive a wedge. So find some balance in this with your husband. Get some help from people who can help and give you good clear advice and suggestions. But take the step and figure out a way to find peace in this area of your relationship so you don't have the strain of it. Give it time, find ways to let your spouse know you love him like a hug, kiss, holding hands, etc. until you can get some help and a balance you and yor spouse can both be happy with.

I can understand! If your sex drive was low to begin with and then you have a baby, whoa! no drive at all. I can tell you that even if it's not your favorite thing in the world (you'd rather get a pedicure or your hair done) your husband is NOT wired the same! Men NEED sex and unfortunately they will find it somewhere else if their woman is not giving it to them. I would suggest picking a day every week and starting in the morning work on your getting reved up for the evening. If you make it an all day work up, you may find that by the time you get around to that lovin' you're more into it. Maybe buy a nice nighty or some super sexy smelling lotion and start your day off knowing you are going to be your man's fantasy that night.

Good luck!

Tell your Dr. there could also be another problem going on. Been there.

Check out this entry:

07/14/08 LOW Sex Drive

I have been married for 17 years to the same man and have 4 children. I have been thru all the feelings you are haveing. I have been thru all the feelings of not feeling atractive and that leads to mood swings and who wants to be intimate when you have so much to do and your sooo tired...and the list goes on! My advice for you is to try to find some time to make yourself get into a mood where you feel close to him. Watch a romantic movie, think about a time when you were together and you loved it, etc. The time you spend with him now when it is soo hard will be the thing that keeps your mariage strong. It will build his confidence in his relationship with you and in his life outside the home. (believe it or not, it is TRUE!)I would not advise for you to fake it however :(

Hello you! well, i seriuosly could care less about sex either. It is so weird for me b/c i used to love it when i was younger and when i was dating my husband we did it all the time evey where. But- over the past 6 years, i don;t even think about it. Bless his heart- he just put's up with it, you are better than i by at least trying to initiate it. I noticed a hugh downhill desire after i had our son, he is 4 now and it has not changed. My doctor says i am fine(medically that is)- and sadly the only thing you can do is just give it up sometimes, weather you like it or not. i learned a long time ago that sex for men, is a way for them to feel wanted by there spouses, "to feel like they still have it"- if you know what i mean. Plus, with in the first two years of a baby's life they are so needy of you and your hubby needs to feel that he still has it "going on" now that he is a dad and all!! That is what i do- just suck it up after a month or so and give in. Sometimes sooner sometimes longer- but- our sex life is pretty blah! I feel your pain, hope this helps. And no, you are not crazy!!! I am 31 and have the same problems! :-) Is your marriage haveing big issue's due to your lack in sex drive? let me know how you are.

Hi N.-

I have 3 children (6, 4 and 8 months) and my sex drive decreased after each child and has not returned since my 8 month old was born. For me the problem is that I have been taking care of everyone else's needs all day long and when the children are finally asleep and I have some time to do something for myself (even if it's just get some sleep) the last thing I want to do is now "take care of" my husband. I have talked to him about this and I am lucky that I have the most understanding and patient husband in the world :-)! He listened to me when I explained and he has made it a point to make sure I get some time to myself each weekend and he does special things for me (without any expectation of sex) like massages or runs a bath for me. As a result of these gestures on his part I am more interested in sex. Our sex life is still not where it was before kids but it is much better. In the end, the most important thing is to talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling and let him know what (if anything) he can do to help you feel better. In my experience, men are not very intuitive and are certainly not mindreaders so you need to let him know what he can do.

Good Luck,
K.

Talk to your doctor. If you are on any RX's ask or research to see if that is a side effect. Been there done that. If not, than ask your doctor for an RX that will help you want sex. Men have their pills & we can too.

Grandma L

Best advice I can give you is go see your doctor. While it maybe nothing I am going through the same thing. I have tried several things but nothing is working. Mine has been since I had surgery (hytsro) in Oct 2006. My husband doesnt notice but he has questioned me as to why I never start up anything at night.
Go to the doctors to try and fix it with what ever you can. I'm going to go there soon also.

Wish you luck.

good luck if you find something let me know i had that happen to me after my 2nd child married for 10 years and i never want it big problem for hubby also if you dont want to lose hubby make yourself for now till you can see doctor i went to doctor and they gave me some hormanal cream and it only give me hair over my lip like a man so that went to trash!! good luck keep in touch please

I have been married most of my life (once 14 years & now 21+years). I think the thing to do is to have a talk with yourself about how much you love your husband and how you don't want to lose him and how you are willing to make extra special efforts to let him know you love him.

Men not only have physical needs, but they express themselves and their love for us by sex. It's like they have an extremely difficult time trying to differentiate the two.

I challenge myself to keep my man happy by coming up with loving ways to initiate sex, because sometimes they need to feel like they are "wanted". I often have sex for his benefit instead of my own, making little challenges to myself(like how fast can I get him to come). The surprising thing is that I often find myself surprised that I am enjoying the intimacy and sometimes even get that special little treat myself. It is a pleasure for me to be able to bring my husband pleasure - another reward. Don't you feel good when you do something special for a friend or family member and it makes them happy? Why should having sex with your husband - even though you don't enjoy sex - not give you a sense of accomplishment, happiness, a good feeling because you did something special for your loving man?

Don't fight. It is much less effort to make love, and you both will be happier ultimately. Trust me on this because I have been through what you are experiencing. It takes a while for our bodies to recouperate from having a child to the point where we want sex again. Remember that in nature sex is for procreation and that desire for the female only comes when she is ready to reproduce. The pleasure part of sex is a side effect that we humans have come to expect, but our bodies don't always react the way our minds think they should. So, it becomes a mind over body experience/challenge. Have fun, don't fight!

Have you heard of Dr. Laura? Read some of her books? Check it out: http://www.drlaura.com/main/books_1.html

If you weren't very interested in the first place, it only gets worse. I hate to sound synical but I've been trhough it twice. The only thing that made me end up wanting sex again is when I got a divorce (after 4 years of hating sex) and tried with a different partner. Had fun for awhile (still didn't really "get off") but had fun. I'm now remarried and we have an 8 month old boy. The same thing has happened all over again. This time I vow not to let it ruin my marriage again though. My advice, if you love him then come up with somewhat of a schedule. IT WILL RUIN A MARRIAGE! Not set schedule, but make sure you do it at least 4 times a month. As pist as it makes you when he constantly hits on you, try to take a deep breath and tell him, how about this weekend, or something like that. Also, my husband has found a loophole that has been somewhat working for him. When I've got enough sleep but I'm not awake yet... he starts messing with me, very lightly, very slowly (I pretend I'm asleep most of the time) but after awhile it starts working and we end up having sex and there's one down, 3 to go for the month. I've got plenty of advice on this matter but I tried to cut it all short, got any questions feel free... I know your pain!