Am I Ever Going to Get My Sex Drive Back?

I had the same problem and it drove my husband crazy. My drive came back when my kids were done breastfeeding and finally getting old enough to do things on their own. I couldn't find anything that helped me get it back faster. Just when things relaxed a little.

I would love to say "yes"...but it may take awhile. You are tired, you have a new baby, which changes things significantly. Even though it may be hard, your husband needs to have a lot of patience. YOur body has gone through a lot and you are dealing with so much emotionally & physically. He can't fully understand and you can't really expect him to...but he can be patient. I would start resenting my husband if he were acting as yours is. Maybe you guys can meet halfway. He could step back a bit and not insist as much and you could give in even if you don't feel it. I've had a very low sex drive for years now and I'm not sure I really had a strong one...sometimes you just have to give in. As you said, you enjoy it when it's happening, just not any other time. YOu really do need to sit down and have a talk with him and let him know how you are feeling (that you are feeling that he's thinking so much of sex that he's not appreciating the family time) and perhaps come to an agreement that he needs to not push the issue so much and that you will accept his advances more often. Maybe if he doesn't ask so much and you make it a point to have sex even if you don't really feel "in the mood", the desire will slowly come back. Oh, we always used the KY silk something (I can't remember the name) that increases your natural lubrications and makes intercourse less painful since the dryness really does make a huge difference. You may also have to take more time with foreplay. Another factor, perhaps if he does more to help you (clean house, take baby), you wouldn't be as tired and drained and may feel up to having some fun. :)

Hey J.,
I know how you feel. I have a 7 month old. My husband and I had a great sex life before I was pregnant and then during the pregnancy it was up and down. After our daughter came, obviously we could do anything for a while - I was healing from a c-section and because of not have sex for a while I felt very tight so I did hurt as well. My advice to you, well maybe a couple things, try to just let him get you in the mood even though it can be frusterating. I know it was for me, but sometimes that would just help me in the end. Try to do lots of kissing and have him give you a massage to loosen you up and just ask him to be very gentle and slow. If you are nursing your sex drive and hormones are still messed up. I stopped nursing a little over a month ago, and my drive seems to be coming back somewhat, so hopefully it is uphill from here (until we decide to have another baby :)). Also, read a book that might get you in the mood and give you ideas. there are very good sex books out there that ARE tasteful and not gross. They are Christian but you can buy them through the interenet or a christian bookstore. "Sheet Music" is excellent! "Intended for Pleasure" is great also... and there are others. Some of these things helped me.

Hope it helps you!!! Good luck. Also, one thing that helps me is that you can always help your husband in other ways. Even when I don't really want to help my husband (tired, hurts, whatever) I know I need to try because I don't want him even remotely tempted by anything/anyone else!

Blessings,
B.

1) talk to your DOCTOR! I think this is very common, could probably be a hormone imbalance.

2) there are a variety of creams & lotions made specefically to encourage sexual response in women.

3) get those negative thoughts out of your head. You wrote that you used to have sex every day so WHY in the world would you think your DH doesn't appreciate you NOW when he wants things to just go back to how they were before? kwim?

He loves you, desires you & STILL finds you attractive. Sex is probably how he shows you how he loves you. (his love language is probably different from yours)

4) It is proven that the more you have sex, the more you will want it & enjoy it. For the pain---> get some good lubricant. It is not uncommon after childbirth for things to feel different & your body to react different.

5) you do not have to be 'in the mood" to have sex. For many women, it may be an after thought but once they 'get going' it's still enjoyable & pleasureable.

Allow yourself soem 'breathing room'. kwim? It is very common to feel 'touched out' when you ahve a new born....as if physically you cannot stand one more person to TOUCH you. SO make sure you give yourself soem 'down time' so you cna be your best w/ DH too. Can you explain that to him?

HTH ;-)

Hi J.. First off, I love how your name is spelled. My son's name is Jakub. I love unusual names...lol. Ok, so my son is alomst 2 yrs. old, and I still haven't got it back. I just wrote a request that deals with this same thing. It's titled, Ummm....sex. You can look at the advice I got too.
I can't help you to much...I'm still working on it myself. But I'm there for you if you want to chat, or brainstorm, or just need an ear...er..cyber ear. lol. Good luck...I know these mothers can help out. Best Wishes, T.

Ever since I started taking Nutritional Hybrids I got my sex drive back. I am still nursing and I thought I would never want to have sex ever again, but these vitamins balance hormones. Just to give you an example, we were "active" three times on Sunday, and once last night, and I can't wait for him to come home from work today! That is a DIFFERENCE!

I am right there with you! I had my third baby on Christmas, and I have NO sex drive. The irony is that when I was huge and pregnant, I wanted it all the time, but my husband didn't! I strongly believe that most of it is hormonal. I am also taking the minipill and I think it really messes with your sex drive. My only advice is to talk to your doctor about it, and they can test your hormones. I am hoping my drive will come back in a few months. Good luck!

get a babysitter and go on a date. You would be amazed what a date will do for your sexdrive. Don't come home until the baby is in bed. Tell your husband what you just told us. He needs to romance you, that is what you need to feel sexy again. But some alone time and adult converation is what you need. Even if you guys have to pick a few topics to discuss before hand so you don't just chat about the baby the whole time. And no an at home pretend date though nice is not going to do the trick. You guys need a few hours to get back to being a couple instead of parents. And it may help if you can go out and get a pedicure or have your hair done before the date to help relax you also.
If all of this is not an option for you, you should try some relaxation techniques, yoga, and take a nap while your husband watches the baby when he gets home from work, and tell him you need him to talk to you about stuff other than sex. And if all else fails make a date for sex, and even if it's not the most apealing idea keep the date, and like you said once it gets started you'll enjoy yourself.

I'm wondering if you are breastfeeding your daughter. I noticed a huge difference in lubrication while breastfeeding, as in there was a lack of lubrication. But as I weaned from breastfeeding and eventually stopped breastfeeding my hormones changed and I felt "normal" again.

Sex drive has a lot to do with hormone balance. I would seek medical advice if I were you. Get some blood drawn, see a specialist (start with your OB) It's not you, and your husband needs to understand that. Hormones are crazy things and they pretty much determin who we are. When they change or "get out of whack" you become a different person. Seek professional help. I think it will open the door to some new treatments for you.

Hi J....
Sorry you're going through that...but it's not uncommon...
A few things could be happening here;
After we spend 9 months getting bigger ang bigger and more and more pregnant...and our body changes so much, we expect that it shouldn't take too long to get back to our former selves. But the truth is, it took you 9 months to reach your max weight and size, give yourself at least as much time to bounce back...When we don't FEEL attractive, we won't act attractive..and we won't want sex.
Evan if you want to want it, you can't force yourself to really want it! :)
If this is the case, do things for yourself that help make you feel pretty! For me, working out, getting my hair done/cut, tanning..those are all things that help improve my image and make me feel more confident...and the more confident I feel, the more likely I'll really enjoy sex. Also, get rest. Raising a new baby can be SO tiring...and having a strong sex drive takes energy! So take good care of you first...the sex should follow.
IF on the other hand what you're experiencing is medical...thats a different thing all together.
You may want to check with your doctor about some of the side effects of having a baby vaginally.
Sometimes things get moved around or stretched and this can cause uncomfortable sex.
But it sounds to me more like you aren't really feeling all that motivated.
If you're really concerned, talk to your MD about hormones...sometimes having a baby can throw things really far off. My best friend had to take testosterone hormones (very small amounts) to get back to normal...
Explore those possibilities, but before you go drastic (doctors and tests and hormones) try eating healthy, exercising and doing things that make you feel good about you...that may be all you need.
Good Luck! :)

Hi there,
I know how you feel! I am slowly starting to get my drive back after 3 kids, bit it is still pretty non exsistant. The thought of sex never passes through my head. My husband can get me in the mood sometimes, but when he can't, I help him "get off". If you are having pain I would talk to your doctor about it, and he/she might even have some suggestions on how to get it back (I need to take my own advice and get to the doctor!) My sister-in-law has the same problem too, it is absolutly not there for her. Hope things get better for you Sweetie. Make sure you tell your husband how you feel if you haven't already, having a baby can change a woman in so many ways. Maybe you can go to the doctor together so that your husband has a better understanding of what you are going through.

Hi J.,
I'm a 29-year-old SAHM of 4 married 10 years. My youngest is almost 10 months. I completely understand what you're going through. I spend all day every day occupied by house and kids. My husband is self-employed and works on average 12 hour days 6 days a week. When he is home he splits his time between his laptop (still working) and, to put it bluntly, trying to get into my pants. Like you, I love my husband very much and want nothing more than to make him happy. He is a very good man and deserves all the love and support I can give him. But sometimes I have to remind him that conversation is just as important as sex. Men tend to use sex to wind down and forget the stress of the day, as well as to help them feel appreciated. Women tend to need "nonsexual" touch (hugs, cuddles, a back rub, etc.) and verbal communication to remind us that we are loved and appreciated. That is the first and most important step in getting turned on for most women, and guys, however well meaning they are, generally forget all about it. So my suggestion to you is to remind him. Leave little notes for him, he may start to do the same. Go out on a date once a month at the least. Get a babysitter if at all possible. And it doesn't matter what you do as long as you spend some time getting to know each other again and remembering why you started dating in the first place. And last but not least, psych yourself up when it's getting close to time for him to come home. Think about how good it will feel to have him near you again. Think about how much you appreciate all that he does for you and get creative! When you try to have fun, you usually will. And he may be more willing to back off some days if you initiate on others. Bottom line... communicate... physically, emotionally, and verbally... and you will both likely feel much better.

J.,
I'm in the same boat...my son is now 5 months old. I have NO labido and am a VERY sexual woman otherwise. My opinion is this, it's hormones, it hurts because we are dry. For this use some astroglide, lube. Because it hurts, we dread it, trying to pretend we enjoy it when the noise is from pain. But they know, so don't make it worse for them, I always said, I would NEVER discourage his affection or advances. They REALLY DO NEED SEX! The best thing for my situation has been to advance on him first (so it's not always a coaxing on his part) and skip the vagina all together and give him, pardon the bluntness, a BJ. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, really most of the time all he needs is a quick release anyway and you can get it done in 3 or 4 minutes if you're lucky. He'll like that you initiated it. One more thing, eventually, you HAVE to get it back, meditate on it and want it because this is a very trying time and no matter how much a man loves his woman and no matter how beautiful she is and no matter how happy they are together, he will get it somewhere at some point! Being a tad old fashoned, let me close by saying it is a duty of a wife to give it up consistantly, just like it's a husbands duty to let us shop unadulterated...

Good luck
M.

I have the opposite problem. I know what your husband is feeling. Sex is important. It's especially important to men. Me and my husband have plenty of cuddle time, and just spending time with each other, but our sex life is lacking. I feel insecure, and frustrated.

There could be medical reasons for your lower sex drive. Have you told your dr?

There's something I'd like to try with my husband, and that is to take turns on each other just touching, and caressing, but not the genitals or breasts for like 1-2 nights. And express to each other what feels good. One night could be you, and the next night could be him, or whatever, but no sex, just touching.

I fear this low libido thing will always be. He's totally aware he has a problem with his libido, but I am starting to resent that he's not doing what he needs to try to make it better, like eat better food, take vitamins, stop smoking, etc. I feel since he's aware, that he needs to be intentional and not leave it up to chance for his libido to come back. I've expressed to him that we need a date night. One night a week for love making. That way each of us know what to expect, and get ready for it.

It really hurts to make the effort to get your spouse to make love to you, and then be rejected for any reason. It also hurts to be patient and just wait for them to be in the mood. It's scary. Sometimes I'm tempted to give up, but then fear one day I'll wake up, and realize that something in us has died.

P.S. Congratulations on your baby girl. My girl is now 13. It's a joy watching her become a woman.

dear J.,
hi, my name is J. and i too have a 6 month old baby girl! i have experienced the same thing as you. i hear it is very NORMAL and COMMON. if your hubby is open to hearing this, he can read this too. my hubby and i used to do it ever day before miss thea [our baby!] came along. i hear from everyone, my mom, a nurse that visits me, that when a lady has a baby [US!!! :-)] we are in MOMMY MODE. i dunno if youre breast feeding, but i am.. and what happens is that we are totally geared to grow the baby. the sex drive is a part of the natural way god intended so that the mommy can be focused on the NEW BABY and not on sex and having more babies right away - coz as we know.. thats how the baby got here right? the goal is to focus on the new baby and not getting preggie too soon, coz thats not fair to the new baby right?! sex is for pleasure, sure, but mainly, really its for making babies right?! so, tell your hubby to please be patient with you and it will come back. my sex drive has slowly come back and i've had 2 periods now.. i really want it too, but my "parts" dont always cooperate... its coz our bodies are designed to be "mommies" and the sex kitten part of us must WAIT! you can try get some store bought lubrication to make it not so painful, if you must/have to do it.. but he can also satisfy himself you know [masterbate] or you can do other things if you like, like oral sex too for him. theres always a way... to make everyone happy. my husband is great, he totally understands and he is waiting patiently coz her knows miss thea [our baby] is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD!!! we do it, not as often, but it happens when god wills it and its good. it'll happen, try the lube and just KNOW that your doing fine and its whats supposed to happen... its gods birth control!!! :-) please write me if you want to now more. i can give you the pre to 3 nurse that told me this [nancy rose]. she said women are expected to be everything - mommy, sex kitten, business woman, etc... in other cultures, not so much is expected of women as in our american society. when a woman has a baby, she is mommy and thats it! anyway, i hope this helps.
peace, love and light,
J.

You are not the only one with this problem. I still have not regained my sexual interest since having my daughter and she is 21 months. It is very hard on the relationship and yes, I am always feeling the pressure too from my poor husband, I also feel that anytime our daughter is sleeping he wants to have sex, I am always feeling the pressure and tension and it makes me want it even less. Furthermore, we just found out that I am pregnant again - not planned, and that surely will make it even harder.
I think we as mothers get so fulfilled and dedicated to mothering that we have trouble devoting our energy to sex. I wish I had an answer - if anyone have advice I would be happy to listen. For a marriage to succeed, intimacy has to be prioritized, but how to do that is the question. Good luck to you

What's a sex drive? :) LOL

I thanks God everyday that my husband is so patient with me! :)

If I might make a book suggestion: "Babyproofing your Marriage" is an EXCELLENT book and it delves into both sides (his and hers) of this subject in a very funny/matter-of-fact way. It is written by three women who've gone through this and have lived to tell (and are still married! lol). AND it has helped me and my husband at least find the humor in the situation, if not completely turning me into the "wanton" woman I once was! lol

I hope it helps to know that you are not alone.

Hi J.,
I went thru this same thing after having my daughter 4 years ago. It took me a really long time to get back to "normal". But my husband was very patient with me. I tried to help him understand what was going on with my body. Since sex was nonexistant in our lives I would pleasure my husband. I wanted him to be happy and feel satisfied and at the time I didn't care about having sex. I never even thought about it. For me the sex drive came back slowly.....but it did come back. And I don't think for me it was really the same as before.
OH LET ME TELL YOU!!!! After I had my some 8 months ago this is all I've thought about. Its funny how the body works....I enjoy having it and want it more then ever.
So my advise to you......have another baby...just kidding.
BE PATIENT!

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