Feeling Bad About Not Wanting to Have sex...due to Painful Sex.

I use Probe, its the name of lube. Works great, doesnt dry out, you only need a little. Good luck!

Why are you waiting to go to the gynocologist? Get the cream, or what ever is available to help out. I think there may be some alienation built up and that is a loser for everyone. Also set up an appt for the couselor at the same time. This will all work out and you two will be super together again!

I went through the same exact thing with both of my children. Although I did notice it worse with my second. I tried all kinds of lubes, positions, you name it. I saw two doctors including a surgeon to make sure I didn't have any hidden lacerations and he said it was just chronic dryness. So, I looked up lubrication ingredients, since I have really sensitive skin and found LOTS of irritants. So I looked up and found a wonderful organic lube. I'm serious when I say after using it just as a female moisterizer and a week of refraining from sex it felt sooooo much better. Like night and day. Nothing else helped, I even tried using that steriod cream you'll probably get a perscription for if you go to the doctor. The product is only $8, if it doesn't work, you have a new fantastic lube at the very least. And don't stop breastfeeding. You are giving your child the best food and not to mention future health benefits nature can provide. Your husband can survive a few more months of this if it doesn't get resolved. Seriously.

http://www.yesyesyes.org/product_water.htm

Tell your husband that there has never been one recorded death in the history of the world due to lack of intercourse. How dare he throw divorce in your face while you are in pain. I was in the exact same position. Once you stop breastfeeding things will get better. He waited before he can wait again. He hates his sex life? Does he hate the fact that you are caring for two small children? You aren't doing anything wrong-he is.

I had the same problem. I was so dry that I would bleed after sex. Don't push yourself! What your husband (and some of the women on this site) doesn't understand is that you can actually tear the walls of the vagina which will cause scarring, leading to MORE painful sex. If your husband loves you and cares about your health he will be patient or more flexible about it. There are a lot of non-penetrating options to use until you get the problem fixed.

Lube is fine for a little dryness, but it only lubricates.... it doesn't treat the problem. No matter how much lube you use, you can still have pain if there is scarring or severe dryness.

You need to talk to your OGBYN. You may have scarring or fibroids which can be enlarged by your hormones. Have her do a pelvic or ultrasound to check.

I don't know what you are using for birth control or how you feel about using hormones, but sometimes the pill or a hormone treatment like Premarin can also help. If you don't want to add hormones, stick with prescription cream or suppositories. It may take a few treatments for the pain to go away, but it should help. I can't remember the name of the one I used but it worked great for me, and you just insert once a week or so. You don't have to wait until just before sex. There are a lot of different treatments out there... just keep trying until you find one that works for you. You can also look up info on menopause for more ideas. Just be sure to check with your doctor before trying any of them.

You may also want to occasionaly try gentle vaginal massage (no, that's not a euphemism for masturbation) to boost circulation and lubrication. Maybe in the shower? Just gently rub along the outside in small circles, eventually moving as far inside as feels comfortable. This will also help break up any minor scarring that may have already occurred and boost tissue regeneration.

As for the women who say to just do it... I just hope they post when they go through menopause and have the same problem, so I can shove it back in their faces! Never discount someone else's pain! While sex is a big part of marriage it is far less important than love, respect and care.... which is what her husband should be giving her right now. If he can't put aside or deal with his needs in a way that doesn't hurt her, then he doesn't deserve a loving wife!

On a side note, his insistence for sex is not purely physical. With 2 young kids, he may simply be feeling neglected and lonely. Try to arrange to spend some time together in a non-sexual manner and do what you can to reassure him that you love him and find him desireable.

Hope this helps and that things get back on track for you soon!

Best of luck!

I've been where you are now, in a marriage with two young kids and a husband who wants more. We also agreed that we would NEVER get a divorce. That was my first husband. He was too young and selfish to cut back on his sexual needs, and I was too young and selfish to realize what an important part of marriage that is for a man! It is how they feel connected to us! It is intimacy. You said lubricants help but I'll bet you haven't tried every kind available. You said you try to hide the pain during sex so you don't ruin it for him.... but you tell him afterward how much it hurts, which not only ruins it for him after the fact but makes him out to be the bad guy and the selfish one. He knows it hurts you. You know it, he knows it... why do you feel the need to say it unless you are trying to make him feel guilty? Seems like a selfish act on your part. Honestly, you need to think about that. Sounds like by telling him how awful it was you are, perhaps subconsciously, hurting him right back. Which is truly more destructive to your marriage than anything else.

Yes, men can be selfish and horny and big babies - we all know that. But you married one of them and had two children with him, and you say divorce is not an option. So you should sound as if you want to preserve your marriage. But you really don't sound interested in anything but being the exact mom you want to be.

I am a huge breastfeeding advocate, but your attitude seems to be, come hell or high water or the destruction of my marriage, nothing will make me stop nursing until my baby is at least a year old. I'm not stopping and nobody can make me. Normally, I'd say, you go, girl! But you have a serious issue that goes along with breastfeeding. One that is affecting your marriage in a very negative way. What do you want to be able to say in 5 years? I nursed my baby for as long as I wanted regardless of the consequences to my marriage. Or - I love my kids so much that I did what was necessary to preserve their parent's marriage.

The message you are sending to your husband is that his needs are not as important as breastfeeding longer. That your marriage is not as important as breastfeeding longer. That HE is not as important as breastfeeding longer. What choice do you think your daughter would want you to make? Would she rather have a dad in her home during her childhood, or a few more months of breastfeeding, which she won't even remember? Yes, yes, I know all the benefits of extended breastfeeding, I know them well. But I know the benefits of raising kids within a healthy marriage, too, and they FAR outweigh any amount of nursing. You may think divorce is not an option, but wake up!! It is already being discussed. And neither of you sound very considerate of the other's needs and feelings. Not a good sign at all.

I think this really may be a no-win situation unless you are willing to change your attitude. If you do stop nursing earlier than planned, can you do so with a mature, gracious and non-judgmental attitude? I'm not trying to sound critical, I've just been there, and I hear you making the same mistakes I did. If you value your marriage, if you want your children to grow up in a complete family unit, if you truly want the best for your kids, it goes much deeper than how long you breastfeed. Either make time to satisfy your husband on a regular basis - without grumbling or being a martyr about it - or stop nursing so your love life can return to normal - without grumbling or being a martyr about it. Good luck! I mean that! Please take my advice to heart and consider it seriously, because your marriage deserves that much. Your kids deserve that much.

HI there, M.,

Do you know what a man has on his mind 24 hours a day, even when his sleeping "sex"!! I feel you, and attending to kids and trying to please your husband and keeping your marriage together is hectic and demanding and most of the time sex is the last thing on your mind!! But honestly, it sounds like your just not into it anymore!! I honestly believe it hurts because I myself have experienced it, but you also sound like you don't want to try and make it work!! You sound like a young couple and if you are, this part of your relationship is a "must" and "yes" your marriage depends on it and if you know this, then what are you willing to do to make sure it stays this way, ask yourself this question!! Yes, there are many other ways to please your husband other then the conventional way, with all the toys that's available!! I've been married 18 years and still discovering new ways!! Get him involved by letting him go out and buy a new toy or have him write down all the things he'd like you to do to him and then pick one everytime you get romantic!! Don't loss touch with your husband, he was there before the kids and will be there after the kids, so you need to see it in that light!! Good Luck!!! V.

Wow, there's lots of advice here! I won't even address the pain side of things then. All I can say is, there's plenty of ways to make your man feel like you want him in the bedroom. You can seduce him and give him what he needs without you even necessarily taking the lingerie off! I think as long as he gets the end result he needs (he really does need it as you know!) and you're sexy about it, you'll find things much improved while you keep trying to find a more complete solution. Good luck!

you know..........there are other ways to have intimacy (sex) without having intercourse. If you just going to "do it" for him anyway a least choose something else other than intercouse.

M.,

Have you checked with your doc about hormones you can take for dryness? Anticipation of pain could also be affecting dryness. If there is just no way to fix the problem while breastfeeding, how important is continuing 5 more months if your marriage is taking a beating? Is it more important to have Daddy around for your daughter or for her to breastfeed until she is one? Providing a stable, happy, healthy family life is our responsiblity as parents. If you look at the problem long term, choosing your husband's happiness over your daughter's source of nutrition seems to have a more lasting impact on your life and your family's happiness.
Good Luck!

How about some KY?? same thing happend to me, while breastfeeding... i did it for 10 months, and wasnt really into the sex at all, for the pain reasons, tired reasons, and just not in the mood... i think KY helps.. there's this warming kind, and it actually feels good and doesnt dry you out... its worth a try

This is very normal while breastfeeding. My OB said that once you stop your hormons change and natural lubrication is more flowing. I have the same problem but it will pass and in the meantime try using some lubrication. Hope that helps.

I would say there are other ways to satisfy him without involving your "downtown" areas. I am sure he would be just fine with that. Does not sound like he is very understanding though. Sex should not make or break a relationship in my opinion. He should know it will get better after you are done breastfeeding and just be patient. I don't get some men sometimes. My hubby is fine with waiting because he is sensitive to my needs and not just his own. If you are not up for the other options, I would say go see a councelor and she can tell your hubby just how selfish he is being, he needs to hear that in my opinion. Sorry, but he is just being childish in my opinion. Ask him what is more important the health of your child or his sex drive?? Sounds silly when you put it that way. Sorry you are going through this and good luck. : )

use your imagination, you still can help satisfiy him, your being selfish, plus there is lots of gels oils ect... you can use, try different positions, I don't think your trying enough and just trying to get out of it.

I don't blame him for being upset. sorry just my opinion

M.,
This is not a no-win situation - it just needs to get a little creative. Several other ladies posted some thoughts on this. He needs intimacy as much as you need to be cherished during this time.
Meet in the middle.
P.

Hi, M.! I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this.

I really cheer what Stephanie said, too, by the way. And at the same time, I'm absolutely appalled at some of the other responses that basically put the entire burden of correcting this situation on your shoulders.

For shame the ladies who believe that! You do nothing to empower this young woman who seeks our advice and understanding!

Unfortunately that mentality of 'grin and bear it/it's all his needs first/we women are the ones who have to do ALL the balancing/etc' is what helped destroy my first marriage. Sex is important to a marriage/relationship-I completely agree and acknowledge that fact. However, how reasonable is it to expect either partner in the relationship to WANT or even think of sex in a positive light if they are being made to feel bad about themselves? Unless M. is stating it in terms of "You hurt me!" when she tells him she's hurting, she's just letting him know that gosh darn it, it bloody well hurts!!! That's called COMMUNICATION. But mentioning divorce, even in the veiled reference that her husband has mentioned to her, is being MANIPULATIVE!

If M. is supposed to 'pump' her hubby's ego and libido up, well then, you know, that's a two way street and he should do the same thing for her. Why should she be the ONLY one planning date nights? Or calling for a sitter? It should be BOTH of them! Honestly, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not another mother-big child relationship! I speak from experience because my ex took the 'it's all your responsibility to make this right (in the sex department)' approach. I was made to feel bad if I wasn't in the mood...even when it was my time of the month! I'm happy to say that I am about to marry a man I've known for 20 years who VALUES me and would NEVER say or do anything to make me feel bad about myself. He treats me like a queen...and you know what? In turn he gets treated like a king...in EVERY aspect of our relationship! THAT makes for a FAR BETTER example for my son to see...true love AND respect for one another's feelings.

So M., please do try as many lubes as you can, and try other aspects of sex to satisfy each other, and check with your OB/GYN to see what else is out there that may be able to assist you AND still preserve your breastfeeding schedule. Breastfeeding is SO VERY important! I did for 16 months with my son and I'm happy to say he's incredibly healthy and has a fantastic immune system (and he's in preschool 5-days a week and so is exposed to a lot). And you DO need to have a very open talk with your hubby and see what you BOTH can do to help this situation. If he is unwilling to talk then that's when I'd be seeking counseling. It takes two to make a marriage work...50-50...heck even 45-55...but never anything like 80(you)-20(him) or even 70(you)-30(him)...you know?

Good luck and God bless! Let us know how you're doing!

You are in a tough spot- the only advice I can give you to to back off nursing. Normally I advocate nursing until a child is at least a year old (you do not mention the age of your child), however, your children will grow up and leave home and you MUST maintain good, healthy "relations" with your husband. Worse than divorce, the development of apathy can ruin a good relationship forever. Children need love and nurturing, but not at the expense of their father- who happens to be your love, and life partner. I wish you all the best.

Talk to your doctor, and if you don't feel they're taking you seriously change doctors.

Talk to your doctor about this. I had the same problem and she referred me to a physical therapist. I know it sounds crazy - but the office I go to specializes in women's health. My problem was both muscle related as well as general blood flow in the area. After a few sessions things felt a lot better - they can teach you methods to practice at home so that you do not have to go for a long time for therapy. It really works. Ask your OB/GYN and I am sure they can help you.

J. S.

I breast fed 2 babies until they were a year old so I completely understand why you feel it is so important to continue nursing; however, what good is a breast fed baby if her parents aren't getting along or their marriage is in jeopardy? You either need to give up breast feeding as soon as possible so you can resume pain free relationships with your husband, OR, you need to keep the pain to your self for the next 5 months. Either way, your husband needs to know that he is a priority.

Sex is so much more than an physical act to a man, it is the way they are connected with us. It is the way they get affirmation of our love, self assured when they feel insecure, it is how they feel valued, loved and worth. You are getting that validation and affection from your child. The bond you are sharing with your baby is fulfilling a need of affection and connection in you but your husband isn't getting that same connection anywhere. Women don't necessarily get that affirmation in a sexual way, men do.

If a husband feels as though we are not interested, no matter how valid our reasons may be to us when we feel them, than unfortunately and understandably they personalize it and it turns into a break down in the relationship. Put your husband first. The best gift we can give our children, even more than breastfeeding, is a happy, healthy, stable family. That won't happen if he is miserable. I guarantee you that the connection you have with your baby will not be altered if you give up breastfeeding and your whole experience as a mother will be enhanced when you know that your husband is happy and he isn't feeling left out.

If you absolutely feel like you can't give up the breast feeding than you must absolutely keep the pain to yourself. It is so damaging to a man to hear that the wife is miserable during intercourse. They want to feel like the desired hero, not a dreaded nuisance. If it is really that bad and creams don't help during this period of nursing than you need to seek medical attention. Sexual relations is not something you or he should learn to live without...that is how people stray. Don't give him any reason too. The fact that you are asking this questions says that you love your husband and family a lot. I know you will do the right thing, whatever that turns out to be for your family!

Try coconut oil. Seriously the best lubricant out there and very easy to get. Good luck!

Lube, lube,lube. Sorry to say it but men are sexual beings and when they don't get it they get frustrated. I say grin and bare it for another few months. But instead of telling him it hurts afterwards, maybe tell him how good it was. In his mind it will make him feel better and not feel like he is a failure and can't please you. It sucks that your husband is like that but some are. Just pump him up, (I know we shouldn't have to, we have enough on our plate)and you will see a change in his attitude. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I see you've already gotten lots of advice, but I just wanted too add a few things!

First, please don't feel badly about your situation. It is very normal to not be interested in sex, or to have painful sex while BF - I went through it 3 times. Thankfully my dear husband was understanding (he is a doctor, so is educated). Definitely try lubriction, I think it will end the pain part of this & actually bring you pleasure too. Not to sound weird, but this can also be an opportunity to get creative! You can pleasure him in other ways as well. That is personal, but try & use your imagination & surprise your sweetheart every so often!
I know it must have been hurtful when he said your sex life sucks, but although this is a temporary physical problem with you, he still feels inadequate as a man no matter where the problem stems from. Show him that he is still your man & he will feel incredible! Get creative & you'll make him feel so loved. When you think about it, once we have children so much changes between husband & wife & we expect our men to be completely understanding when in reality it is tough on them (the lack of sex thing!). Also, sorry you got so many husband bashing comments. I'm sure that wasn't what you were looking for! I believe when we come from a loving & understanding place in a marriage we get great results all around!

Seriously your husband needs to back off the guilt and understand that you just had a child and are nurturing him. Not having sex this early after pregnancy is normal and he needs to be loving and supportive, not pressuring you into doing something that causes you pain. He of all people should understand this. Seek counseling if he continues his behavior as he is being very selfish and unsupportive to you.

How about other options than intercourse? I'm pregnant, and was on pelvic rest for quite awhile, and that was after several months of having no libido. In the meantime, I gave him oral sex, or manual sex. We got him a toy that I would use on him. It helped keep him feeling connected and that I still wanted him. Did he miss intercourse? Of course. Did it help him still feel like we had some sort of sex life and we continued to feel emotionally close. There are other options than sex.

How about just pleasing him? It is a selfless approach that may or may not thrill you, but it won't hurt you and you'll feel better about his situation, AND he'll appreciate it very much! I went this route when I was pregnant in my third trimester. I told my DH straight up I Was always tired and completely not interested. Eventually decided (actually put on my calendar to make sure he was cared for twice a week) to go this route, and although I did have to practice acting a bit, ultimately it did help him / us. Some guys don't finish this way or get too used to having the actual thing, but every guy can at least take care of himself, and that is something you can be there to support his with. Tell him you won't feel bad at all if he does, and that you are happy to help! He'll see you really are trying to compromise and that you really do care about his feelings. This is the reason he is verbalizing his displeasure so much. To get you to care about his side too. Of course we care about ourselves first. But this is a way to be sympathetic to him. I hope you find something that works!! Sex is a very vital part of a marriage, and can really strain other areas when needs are not met. Good luck!

Sweet M.,
I don't blame you for feeling frustrated! I don't blame him either! I do fear that if you are not able to give your husband a sex life that satisfies him, that the world will tempt him to seek it in other ways that are really destructive to your family. Sex is plastered everywhere, and while it is painful right now (for me, too, as I have been breastfeeding for 3.5 years straight with my 2 sons!), this must be dealt with immediately or your story may end up like a previous post. Have you tried other ways of pleasing him? I, too, agree that about 3 times a week makes a man pretty contented (5 if you're my man unfortunately!) and there could be options other than full penetration that can give him that "happy ending" with you. I don't know your full situation so it is hard to totally assess. I would hold back the comments afterward to him about the pain as much as possible, too, or it really will be hard for him to enjoy sex, just speaking from experience. I think it is hard for us as women to understand how much it affects our husbands when they are not able to be sexually intimate with us. At the end of the day, as one friend told me when I got married, be glad that it is YOU he is coming to when he is aroused, and do your best to never turn him down (though, again, find ways to make it as enjoyable as possible for yourself also--have a glass of wine or two! You don't even have to pump & dump, just wait a couple of hours as alcohol is not stored in the breast milk......)

I think part of the problem is that, as a provider, he works hard all day demonstrating his commitment to you (and the family) and when he comes home, he'd like to see the commitment to his well-being returned. It's not that he doesn't care about you, God has just wired men differently and we need to learn to be understanding of them as well.

I wouldn't try to get him into couple's counseling yet--this is not going to fly with him because he just wants you to have sex with him. He is a simple man with a simple need. Once his needs are met and there are still issues, then you can maybe MAYBE see if he'll go to counseling if needed, but that doesn't mean you can't go yourself right now if you wanted. I suggest seeing a male counselor if you do go, however, because he can give you a more accurate picture of why your husband might be having a hard time as we women cannot totally comprehend it, especially when some of us are breastfeeding and are already getting our share of oxytocin! Good luck, M.!
Prayers for you and your marriage M.. I feel your pain--truly I do!
J.
P.S.

Hi M.,
I totally understand where you are coming from. I am perimenopausal and have experience vaginal dryness for over a year. And yes, it does hurt like crazy. I did discover a great vaginal lubricant that really helps though. It's called Preseed and you insert it with a vaginal applicator much like a tampon. I LOVE that stuff. It has enabled me to be intimate with my husband again. You can use more than one vial too, which really made it virtually painless. Preseed can be purchased on-line.
There is also a supplement called Maca Active which is great. It helps your body to naturally produce more vaginal fluid. It works with your pituitary gland to get your hormones back in check with no adverse side affects, and it is just made of a root (similar to a radish). It too can also be purchased on-line.
Most importantly, try to remind yourself that this just a short phase, and it too will pass. Give yourself a little TLC and try and be patient with your hubby.

I hope you don't take offence to this: his talk of divorce and saying your sex life sucks is incredibly minipulative. He has no idea what you are going through and is just thinking of himself. You are the one dealing with the pain. And you are also the one trying to care for the 2 children he had a hand in creating. His incensitivity is disgusting. It will be tough, but you must stand your ground. Any man who even mentions the D word because his wife is in too much pain to pleasure him needs to be set straight. If he truly cares for you, he would consider your feelings, both physical and emotional. How dare he.
I too had problems after my son was born and lubricants were not entirely helpful. We had to take it slow, and my husband understood. I don't know what else to tell you. I know what I said was tough to read and you may be angry with me. I am angry at him for you. Sex is supposed to be good for both involved, and wanted by both. When it isn't, it's given a different name...

First of all, have you tried Astroglide? It works much better than the others. Secondly, there is a ton of other stuff you can do other than intercourse. My oldest is almost 5. I tried an IUD, but it game me yeast infections, so I had to have it removed. That was close to 3 years ago. He wont get a vasectomy, so we've been "improvising". Get creative. You can have a good sex life without the penetration.

Ok, I'm blushing, so ....good luck!

M.,
If the pain comes from being very dry it has something to do with low estrogen levels. I had that problem with my third child. My doctor prescribed "Vagifem" to me and the problem was solved in about one month. You should definitely talk to your doctor about this to make sure nothing else is going on.

So what this seems like to me is that you are both feeling like the other is being unfair and isn't understanding your needs. There will have to be compromise on both sides. You are also forgetting that the hormones from breastfeeding lower our desire for sex as well. Look, he should expect it less but you should do it a little more. I think once a week should be tolerable for everyone at this point in time. Make it fun. Go on a date night. Have a glass of wine. Remember why you love each other in the first place. A key part of divorce isn't necessarily the lack of sex but the lack of a relationship independent from the children. It's important that both of you know that you are still a priority in each other's lives. Men are particularly more sensitive about this than most people think. 1 yr is a long time for him to be understanding. It's been 7 months. I think he's done a pretty damn good job. Be creative with sex. Increase your oral sex play. Go on date night. It may be expensive to get a babysitter weekly but do it. Go out for a couple of hours once a week, just you two and after some time, you and some friends occasionally. There isn't a family without a relationship between the parents. We women have a tough job. We have to balance the needs of everyone, including ourselves. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is communicating with you. That's huge. And you can find a way to make sex not hurt. Some lube, again, a glass of wine. It's been 7 months. You should be more then healed and back to working order back there. Remember, it's like losing your virginity over again, you have to have sex to make it more comfortable. It's not no win. Find a way to make it work. Talk to him about once a week until after breastfeeding. If all goes well increase. Perspective is a huge thing. Look at it as you needing this too. The connection, the physical contact, the stress relief, the pleasure. Women are very mental creatures, if you are setting yourself up for pain and hell it's what you're going to get. Try to make it work. For your marriage. Just saying you would never get divorced doesn't mean anything. Your husband is feeling totally neglected. It's not your fault but you can do something to help it.

First, I want to say that I am sorry the YOU have to go through this. This is such a common problem. The fact that your husband is not supportive only makes the problem worse. My husband and I almost always use lots of lubricant and that helps greatly. We have used the lubricant since we have been together for the past 11 years. But then again many women tend to produce less natural fluid as hormones change. That's me for sure. My husband has never mentioned being annoyed. You should not have to go through feeling like that especially since you are breastfeeding and postpartum. I hope you gain more support from your husband!

Okay, I'm sorry, but some of these ladies are nuts. One, you shouldn't have to keep this pain to yourself, and you're NOT being selfish by discussing it with your husband. It sounds like you need to handle this in a different and more assertive manner with him, but being silent about pain during intercourse is ludicrous. You should discuss it with your doctor (you need to be more assertive about the level of pain you are experiencing vs. "discomfort" so he will take it seriously and help you find solutions), and then discuss it with your husband. You two are a team and together you can find solutions, especially with the help of your doctor. So you want to nurse for 5 more months? Get creative with different ways of being intimate with your husband. Each and every time doesn't need to be intercourse. Also, talk to your husband about your nursing time plan and see how he feels about this. In truth, it is a short time in our lives......is he willing to go along with this? If he is, then you both, along with your doctor, can find different and creative ways of handling this problem.

Try Astroglide.
It worked wonders for me after I had my son. My Ob/Gyn recommended it after I told him about my painful sex. I highly recommended it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Luck.

there is other ways to have sex besides intercourse. Get a good sex book out of the library. I reccommend johnson and johnson.

Have you tried lube? Or maybe give him a BJ, so he's getting off without hurting you. I wish you luck, it is important that you feel good too!

When he's inside you, ask him to go in and out smoothly and evenly, without thrusting. It's often that painful THRUST that seems to hurt so much.

Also, if you're not getting enough foreplay (or if foreplay makes you feel nervous and tense as you think about what's to come), masturbate in private (shower, bath, whatever) for as long as you need until you WANT to have sex.

Increased interest / no thrusting / plenty of lube / the comfiest positions, and you should be fine! Just aim to have sex once a week - a very fair compromise. Good luck!

Have you tried jelly to put on so it is not dry? Since I had cancer and therapy, I have had lower hormones and that has help. Even have him put in on and in as part of the sex life. Although it hurts, try to have sex for his sake and the marriage sake. You can also give him oral sex or stimulate him into an orgasum other ways instead while you are waiting to stop nursing.

You are NOT being selfish. Tuesday doesn't know what she is talking about! And I can't believe someone would past that kind of judgment here, it's appalling! Also, don't grin and bear it, you could cause more injury to yourself. What is wrong with these women?! it's not 1950 thank goodness! But I will tell you that the fact that he has talked of divorce and says your sex life sucks is a cry for help that you cannot ignore if you want to stay married. I had extremely painful sex and my husband was not patient or understanding either and we are now separated after I discovered his affair. Don't let this happen to you. Get into couple's counseling now. There are many men who can deal with this in a healthy, loving way, but yours (and mine) cannot and they need help. Of course you can be more imaginative, etc, but you have to address this core problem of him not being able to see what he is putting you through and why this is very serious. Please get counseling before it's too late. I cannot even begin to express how horrifying it is to go through learning of an affair and raising a 2 year old, it's been devastating. So nip this one in the bud and get help.

M.,

I'd recommend more lube and more foreplay and more sleep. It is hard to get in the mood while you are nursing and that is normal. It is part of nature's way of naturally spacing children. I've had two kids and I know getting more sleep (which meant going to bed earlier whenever possible), lots of lube and more foreplay (that usually started with something non-sexual like a backrub) helped me tremendously. It really is hard to feel sexy when you are nursing and exhausted but your marriage is worth the effort.

:-)T.

I am in the same boat. Not only does it hurt, but I just have no interest in it. i feel so bad for my hubby.

use a lubricant. It helps immensely!

Hi - sorry you are having that side effect. How awful.
A sex life can be made up of much more then what you are not able to have at the moment.
It isn't fair for you to have sex if it is painful- but it also is unfair for you to engage in sex then tell your partner it hurts. That just makes the situation worse for both of you. You guys need to play in other ways. Go to a sex shop together, get videos, have oral sex, role play, explore and let go. You don't have long to go before the year is over and when you find other ways to share intimacy that will be fun for years to come (and make your relationship stronger) . Claim your sex and sexiness back!

Hey M.,
You touched my heart darlin. I have very painful sex as well. Mine is from a different problem though. I have a rectocele and went through very early menopause, I was through having periods by age 36, so I am very dry as well. I read in a book by Dr. Christaine Northrup that soy milk would help things, and was she right!! My husband and I don't even need lubs. now, and if he "primes the pump" well, the pain is much better too. Find a soy milk that is non GMO and drink about 2 to 3 8oz glasses a day and I really believe you will see some relief. Sex is so very important to a marriage, and a gift from God that is precious and necessary. My husband knows that it hurts when we have sex, I don't have to tell him afterwards. He knows it is a gift I give him and our marriage. When your husband does not get to experience that itamacy with you, he hurts as well. Try the soy milk, and keep using lubs as well. I kaegel also. Don't forget that this is a season. This too shall pass. God bless you and your family,
V.

Try KY Jelly as a lubricant. It helped us quite a bit.

Have you thought about using lubricants, like KY? It should definitely help, rather than staying away from sex altogether (because that is not fun for either person).

You're willing to sacrifice your marriage JUST to breast-feed your child...this to me is a no brainer....hubby comes first...you have other alternatives to feed your baby...you don't have many other alternatives with him....put him first here...sorry o be harst, but women get so caught up in the silly advice of so-called experts. Please him first..your baby will do fine off the breast!

Hello,Dear M..
My name is J.,I did not get marrage yet,But I am working bye a version of hilling.and I know there is a very good way for your problem,so do'nt be worry.I'ill E_mail you tomorrow and tell you about this way
Love
J..A

I totally relate - I have the same EXACT problem while breastfeeding (and I'm nursing an 8 month old right now too) and you are going to think I am really crass and rude for saying this, but for the sake of your marriage I STRONGLY recommend that you pleasure him, in various ways, several times a week.

My advice is to have sex once a week - just grin and bear it - and a couple other times each week give him oral, or some other form of sexual gratification.

This will get you through the challenge - it is a temporary problem - but keep your man happy because sex is very important to them - they gauge their happiness on it often - it isn't worth not doing it.

My best - hang in there!

E.

well you might want to find a way to have couple time without the actual intercourse men always for for that if you know what mean.... hope it helps

Hi, Although this is a difficult situation for you, I agree with Stephanie F and the other responses that say that you should absolutely not give up breastfeeding your child, but maybe try other things besides intercourse because your relationship with your husband is extremely important. Still, it is not only his needs that are important, he should try to be more understanding of what you are going through, as a mother, also. You have to strike a balance and try the organic lubricant that someone suggested, or have him share more in the bedtime routine, to help you get "in the mood" with some "me time" first. I was also a bit disturbed that he brought up divorce, even though we know that sex is a common reason for divorce, along with money issues. It just sounds like it's all about his needs, which I understand since he is a man and sometimes they are not that attuned to our needs, especially when they don't feel theirs are being met, but that's why you and he both have to compromise (after all, that's what marriage is all about. I am sure that things will work out for you, but be patient, use suggestions of the people here, but don't lose sight of the fact that breastfeeding is very important and you are already doing it so well and kudos to you for that and it is only for a very limited time that you can breastfeed, so certainly in the meantime you can BE CREATIVE and find fun ways to not only please your husband, but also yourself along the way!

I bought a bottle of KY jelly for my husband and told him to go in the bathroom and deal with it. He was actually pretty easy about it and when I got pregnant with my 2nd he said well I guess no sex for two years and I said yup! Just stick to your guns and remind him that your libido will come back when you stop nursing.

Good Luck!

Ok, so you have lots of advice, however no one mentioned a sex toy!! For you of course, this with the lube will do wonders, I have had problems with painful sex before and the "bullet" really vanishes the pain and makes it very pleasurable! Also, we all say things we don't really mean when we are frustrated, I am surprised how many were so upset with your hubby! Wow. Good luck!

M., Try using some lubrication during sex and foreplay. AstroGlide works wonders!

Ok, I understand a man has needs. Women have needs too, but if he can't understand how painful sex is for you right now or refuses to, that's a bad sign. He sounds petulant and spoiled. I had to actually beg my husband to start again when I felt it was time because we had tried a couple of times and it was too painful for me. He needs to chill and be more considerate of the woman he loves. Most men love oral sex and stroking a man off can be very erotic. Get creative!

M.,

Your husband needs to grow up, among other things. That is the most insensitive, selfish thing I've heard in a long time. He is only out for himself. Relationships and loving somebody go beyond sex. You are the mother of his children. It wont take forever until you are done nursing your baby. When he decided to have children your life changes dramatically, and you no longer are in it only for yourself, rather everyone else first.
The wife is the center of the family...for that matter she is the center of the universe. All revolves around her. She is delicate yet stronger than all. She is a beautiful creature. Hold your head high. Tell him he needs counciling if he nags you ANYMORE. IT HURTS YOU HONEY. THAT IS MEAN.
Do you really want to be in love with and devoted to such a narrow selfish mind? Do you want your children, your son to be like him to someone?

I apologize if you take offense. I have just seen this too many times. You are so sweet. Write me back M..

Wendy

you know...sex is a hard thing for men to go without. i know about painful sex and i have tried different kinds of lube and what i found worked best was vagisil brand lube...i mean..it works super well. just give that a try. despite what many may say....sex is actually kind of an important thing in a relationship/marriage....its a form of bonding. just try different kinds of lube till you find what works best for you, they do make all different kinds and some work better than others, like i said what worked best for me was vagisil brand lube and it made it where i felt no pain. its worth a shot.

Hi M.,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It seems as though we all go through this painful sex period. I've had other women tell me the same thing, so you are not alone. I also tried a bunch of different lube and the best one is called "Liquid Silk". It seems to work the best and make things a lot better. I still use it and it works great. I would also recommend for you to reapply as needed since it seems like you are having extra dryness due to breastfeeding. Also, you also have to know that when you say to yourself that it's going to hurt, it will! Try to relax and make out with your husband before you do anything. Good luck!

Hi M., I read some of the responses and I agree with the women who say "stop breastfeeding". Your baby can get good nutrictions from formula. You've already given her 7 months worth of Mommy's milk.
I had a problem with painful sex with my husband when I was younger, I'm now in my 50's, and it wasn't due to breastfeeding. If it were I would have changed my feeding method.
Please do what is right for your family; your baby can get another source of nurishment, but your husband can't get another you, but he can get IT elsewhere. If they stray it ruins everything.The choice is really easy.

Do you ever feel like everybody wants a piece of you and somewhere along the line no one thinks about you. After I had my first child, I experienced severe pain during intercourse for approx. one year. I was miserable and he was even more miserable. I felt all used up. My baby wanted my attention all day long and then I was expected to satisfy my husbands needs in the evening when all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like screaming "What about me! Don't I matter"

I also tried lubricants but it didn't really work either. Mostly, sex just felt like sandpaper. I did notice that things really improved for me when I stopped nursing. Good luck to you and see if you can't be spontaneous and plan some overnight getaway. Maybe it will help you feel close again and focus on your relationship. Sometimes in the middle of raising children, we forget about the relationship that made it all possible.

M.,
There are other things that you might be able to do for your husband without doing something that hurts you. I don't mean to be crass, but how about some blow jobs? You can still be close and intimate without doing it, right?
Talk to your OB, there may be something that can be done. I know what you mean about not being turned on while breast feeding, I breatfeed my some for 2 and a half years. And I felt funny during sex sometimes in the beginning, but it went away. See if there isn't something you can do to get your mo-jo back. There must be some books written on the subject...
Good luck!

M.~
My name is K.. I am a romance specialist. You can go to my web site kellyzpassionz.com
I have helped many couples with their relationships. There are many things that you can use to help your situation. Lube is a good place to start. If it is still painful, you may have low estrogen levels that are causing this. I have another customer who uses my products and was having vaginal pain. It was that the walls of the vagina were too thin. She came to find out that it wasn't the sex that hurt, but the seman that was burning her. The only way that you can find out for sure what the issue is, is to see your OB/GYN.
In the meantime, there are many ways to be connected with your husband besides vaginal intercourse. He will still get satisfaction and you won't have to be in pain. It may even spice things up to have different ways to please him.
Please call me if you like, ###-###-####. I would be happy to answer any questions for you.
K. L. Morrell
Making a Difference, One Relationship at a Time

M.
Ifeel for you sweetie. I too had horrible pain after having my son. I sure didn't know it had anything to do with bf though. I felt though I was broken and something didn't go back right. I would cry-it was bad-it did go away after several months-I bf till after a year.

Can you pleasure your husband in another way to have closeness and give him relief?

Best to you-it's hard to be a good Mama and wife too (at times) I felt like I didn't care about the wife part for awhile-but you know it is impt too
B.

i had the same issue.....a glass of wine & lots of lubricant helped me. and, you may want to think about this theory - now that it has hurt you a few times, you may be making subsequent 'encounters' worse by ANTICIPATING the discomfort, ya know what i mean? when you have any type of painful 'event', your brain remembers that & then when the same 'event' is happening ( or going to happen ) your brain starts to remind you of the unpleasantness that occured the LAST time. it's a condition born into all human beings to help us protect ourselves from harm. you need to try to 'trick' your brain, and thus, help get your love making back on track. some nice thoughts in your mind throughout the day, a warm bath (if you can swing it), a little flirting beforehand, maybe a massage, some candles, low lights, and (again) wine & lube! good luck to you & i hope you & your hubby can get 'back together' again! 8^)

You are a good wife for beeing so concerned for your husband. When sex was unenjoyable for me (period, preg, etc.), I treated my husband to oral sex. That way I didn't have to deal with it. However, when sex became enjoyable, it was so important for me to reconnect with my husband in this way. It very much helped us establish our little family. Without these powerful connections that drive us, parenting can be drudgery, esspecially for dads who are religated to the role of provider and nothing more. I've heard it often enough that breast feeding and a good sex life are like oil and water. Food for thought: priorities. When certain things get to be in the lime light such as breasfeeding, its amazing to see what moms will do to stick with it. Woman exhausting themselves working and pumping- all in the name of good mothering. I'm all for breastfeeding so long as you can do it and maintain a healthy primary (marriage) relationship. What is most important to our children is not that 6 months of breastfeeding between 6 and 12 months- its an intact home. What well intended woman sacrifice for the sake of their children and in the process weaken and destroy marriages! Solid marriage are far more beneficial than breastfeeding. I was devestated when I was unable to breastfeed. Then I became angry when I discovered that I was practially lied to about the resarch that existed on the topic. There is a lot of speculation about the benefits of breastfeeding, but did you know that decreased ear infections are the only conclusive known benefit of breastfeeding? As for increased i.q. and all the rest of it- its more likely the result of stay at home moms- not breastmilk (this info came from my pediatrition). Put your marriage first. If you can do that and still breasfeed, all the better. But breastfeeding no matter what is not healthy for your family in the big picture.

If it is only the dryness that is causing sex to be painful, try using a lubricant. I had dryness issues during my last pregnancy and the doctor recommended using ky silk-e. It worked well and I still use for those occasional dry moments.