Intimacy Issues..Please Help!

Hi A.,

I had the same issues and I am very interested in the group's reply as, unfortunately, for me I have never really fully rebounded. I wish you beter success!

I am in the same boat with you. However, the arousal factor is the one issue I am having difficulty with. Actually, this issue is one that has seperated us temporaily. I think it may be due to the Camilla Pill or my need to succeed as a NEW mom.

Could you keep me posted on how to get my GROOVE back too?

GOOD LUCK
G.

Hi A.,
You are not the only one who feels this way. I felt this way after my first and second child. My baby is now 14 months and I am still breast feeding. I don't want my husband anywhere near my breasts, it just feels too funny. Once I started getting more sleep and now that my baby is starting to ween, my sex drive is starting to come back. I don't have much advice to give, sleep has been what works best for me. Please know you are not alone!

A....

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and what you are experiencing is VERY normal and has to do with hormones. When you are breastfeeding and producing alot of prolactin it supresses as sexual desire. I went through the EXACT same thing and unfortunately it caused some distress in my marrriage. I couldn't stand to have my husband touch my breasts let alone have sex, I just wasn't in to it, mostly from hormones, but also from being exhausted. As it turned out (for me) I have a very low progesterone count and it was affecting my sex drive. If you are really concerned, think about going to your OB-GYN or GP and explain the issue and ask for a hormone profile to make sure everything is where it should be. Also if you have time, research breastfeeding and lack of libido and if you husband is open to it show him any pertinent info that you find so he can get educated and understand that much of what you are feeling (or not) is out of your control and that it is not a personal snub against him. Hope this helps...good luck.

Hi A.,
So by now you know you are not alone. my son is 15 months & my husband & I have a great relationship but since the baby we have had a lot less sex. I resently bought a book" 101 nights of great sex). each week you tear out a page & it has a scenerio. ( this week I am giving him a sexy back rub) then next week he tears out a page & he will surprise you with a scenerio. It gets us in the mood, so not only do we have sex but greaat sex( before it was just a thing on the todo list. ) I saw you got a lot of empathy but not much advice. I hope this helps.

YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE. I still frequently fall asleep with my 2yr old...and thats fine with me! I think having little ones and nursing takes a lot out of us as moms and wives and with everything that we do--I laugh about it but we've literally had sex TWICE in the past 10 months...and I honestly dont think about it--my husband just has to understand--there have been a few fights about it but he knows that the baby comes first--and I hope yours does too. I think it must get better when our lives aren't revolving around feeding and nap times! Don't stress about it--most of us moms (I think especially those of us that nurse) are going through the exact thing!

Are you working too? Nursing, taking care of kids, running a household - it catches up with you. Try letting your husband help put the kids to bed, sneak out for a glass of wine with a girlfriend, laugh, catch up on gossip & see if the mental break makes you feel more attracive & interested when you get home. (it works for me!)

Hi A.,
First of all I want the congratulate you for bringing the question up in this forum. As a Pure Romance consultant I have women of all ages asking me many questions about intimacy. It is not uncommon for sex drive to be low, or gone, when you're a young mother. There are many phases in a woman's life that create this. We're very much physical, emotional creatures. We have products called 'heightenhers' or 'Enhancers'. Now keep in mind, I'm a 57 yr old Grammy with several grown daughters of my own. I made sure they have a 'heightener' product. You will definetly be in the mood if you try Pure Romance's Ex-T-Cee or Ex-cream. Ex-cream will work on your husband too. Ex-T-Cee is just for you. I also have a product that stimulates nipples, but if your breast feeding I wouldn't recommend it. Its eatable, but wouldn't want your baby to get his/her mouth used to the flavor..its yummy. We also have other fun products for your date night. just go browse... you can order online, or have a party and get free product. A party doesn't go by that I don't help someone... hope this helps you.
With Regards,
L.
www.lenorebavota.pureromance.com
Consultant # 20158
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girl, please, my youngest is 2, and im still so tired, the last thing i wanna do is roll around making funny noises and faces when i could be in the ecsasty of sleep!!!! i nursed both my kids, and the boob were OFF limits. They are only for feeding and def not a turn on at that time, its like taboo. Also when youre nursing your libido is almost like, shut off, its natures way off saying "no more baby making right now! you already have one to take care of!" you need to explain this to your hubby. its hard for them, but too frickin bad. theyll get over it. My hubby & I (still) take alot of showers together, whenver possible, and if he needs "it" he can have that quickie in the shower to get it out of his system! Then you dont have to worry when your crashing at night. Also, ky works wonders, breastfeeding cuts back on the lubrication as well...good luck and dont worry too much, It comes with the territory!

I would agree and say that's very normal. It took me and my husband a while to feel comfortable with sex after we had our daughter.
I would suggest really focusing on separating the mom in you from he wife in you. This takes a lot of work, but it's the only way. You may have to lay some ground rules. Tell your husband that until you're done breastfeeding, your breasts belong to the baby and he needs to respect that.
I think a lot of he lack of sex drive comes from fear. Fear that the children may wake up and need you. These 2 things (breastfeeding and fear) were my major 2 hang ups. There is no greater turn off than thinking of your children waking up while you're in the middle of something.
Think about how you were before your second child and try to get back to that, but don't feel guilty if it doesn't come back right away. In time, everything will be fine!

You have a 2 year old and a 5 month old...no wonder you are not in the mood! I am too tired with an 18 month old and one on the way in October to even be in the mood sometimes.
I know how you feel about not wanting your breasts touched. While I breast fed and now while being pregnant my boobs are way to sensitive to be touched! That is why I don't like them touched right now. I think once your 2nd child is a little older and you can get some good sleep the mood will come back. Also once you are not nursing anymore and they are not sore/sensitive it won't bother you anymore for him to touch them. But cut yourself some slack you just had a baby 5 months ago and have a 2 yr old as well.
If it still concerns you then you need to talk to your doctor.

totally know how you feel. I didn't want to have sex or think about sex until after my baby stopped breastfeeding at 10 months. You're breastfeeding hormones give you enforphins but sap you of your sex drive. It should change after you stop breastfeeding, I know mine came back after I stopped breastfeeding. So there is hope, and you are not alone. Just tell hubby to hang in there and see if you can do other things for him besides "sex." If you are comfortable doing other things.

Hi, I feel the same. My husband and I are married 6 years. My son is 4 and I am also full time step mom to 2 girls ages 9 and 10 and work full time. But I love my husband, so even though sex is a chore for me, I work it into our schedule. Not to get too detailed, but visit an adult store, you may find some stimulators and lubricants that can help get you in the mood. Either way, I make sure I work it in beause I love my husband and I know if I don't it will begin to affect our marriage. Even though at first I find it to be a chore, very often I am glad that I did. I just hope that as our kids get older I will have more time to myself and with my husband, so I'll be less tired and more interested.

I know what you're going through. Breastfeeding killed my desire for intimacy. This is a very common thing.

You are doing a great thing for your baby, so I hope you continue to nurse.

On the other hand, men can often feel left out when the kids get most of mom's attention. I know it doesn't seem fair, but you have to make time for hubby even if you feel like he's just one more person that wants something from you, and even if you're just not in the mood. It's how how he connects with you on an emotional level as well as physically. Let him know you are willing and able, but to please keep hands off the breats ;) ...for now.

It gets better...hang in there.

Hi A.,

I think it's normal and you must just be really tired. After my son was born I didn't want to have sex fot 9 months. Don't worry about it... you don't need to put any added pressure on yourself.

Allie

you are sooooooooo NOT alone on this one!!!! all i can say is that the exact things that you are feeling, i feel. think about how busy you are. and its not that you dont love him, but hello?!?!?!? i hope that he understands what you are going thru. i do hear that it WILL get better. im just hoping that that will be soon!!!!! good luck! let me know if i can help you with anything!!!

Do you think that you are just too tired? My 3rd child who is 2 1/2 I am just starting to get my groove back. I work full time, part-time Mary Kay Beauty Consultant and 3 kids .. I have to be honest, if there is so much going on and you aren't relaxed then it's going to be difficult.

Hi A.!!I feel the same way, our son is 1 and i just dont want to have sex!!Its not him,he is very attractive and i love him so much,im just not into it,i dont even want to try....(im tired and have no drive!@!)So you are not alone, some of my other friends feel the same way.We probaly do it once every two weeks,i hope this changes,but i dont know what to do either!!I just wanted to let you know i think its pretty normal to go through this.We have been married 6 yrs also!!Together for almost 10!!Good Luck,if you want to chat let me know!!

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE! There's a lot at play here. You have physical contact with two little people all day, and you probably love it, but it's a lot and it's draining. When you're alone with him, you probably are most appreciative of the fact that he doesn't NEED anything from you (except he does...) and that he doesn't need his diaper changed or tend to spit up or cry often. And you probably just want everyone to leave you alone--just for 1/2 an hour even! The good news is this: the hormones are a big part of this. I could tolerate sex about 4 months after giving birth but I didn't WANT it. I breast fed both my kids for over a year. I noticed that, very shortly after I stopped breastfeeding both times, I WANTED sex again. There was definitely a shift in the hormones so that it sounded good, and not just something I could put up with out of obligation (more from me mentally than pressure from my husband--he was exhausted too so he understood for the most part). So hang in there. It is not forever. You can do a lot to psych yourself up like the magazines say (wine, lots of lubricant so it's not as uncomfortable, make a date for sex so you have time to mentally get ready, etc.) But know that you're body will be "yours" again someday and that part of your marriage will come back too. Good luck!

I have the same problem, and it does help just to know other people feel the same way. I talked to my doctor about it and she said it is very common. One thing she mentioned that makes a lot of sense is that part of sexual intimacy is just wanting to be close to another person, and when you're caring for your kids, and especially when you're breastfeeding, you already have that closeness for many hours per day, but your husband doesn't, so he still needs it. If you're like me, once you put the kids to bed, you need your own space. So sex is the last thing on my mind. I wish I had a good answer about how to get over it. I have heard, as someone else wrote, that when you stop breastfeeding and your hormones get back to normal, it gets better. My daughter is only 12 weeks old, but I'm still not interested, and still waiting to see when and if I will be again. I also had no interest in sex while I was pregnant, so its really been a while. You're not alone, and it does get better, that's what I keep telling myself. Hope that helps.

As you can see from others, you are not alone. I also have intimacy issues, but not from breast feeding. I bottle fed and my daughter is 3. The only drive I had to have sex was the idea of conceiving my daughter. I hate that I don't get in the mood ever. Its almost like I peaked at 22. When me and my husband were dating it was fine, but since we moved in together and got married 6 years ago, it has been gone. But it has especially gotten worse since having a child....any energy that was left in me is now gone. I hope that you can find what will bring your desire back, because I am still looking!!! I partially believe its my BC pills, but we are not ready for more and don't want to use condoms, so I guess I have to deal with it!!!

I agree - normal, but not fun. I think that being honest and setting "groundrules" in the beginning will help. Sometimes it helps if you give your husband 10 minutes to "convince" you. The first couple of minutes might feel like work, but I bet that at the end of 10 minutes, you'll be game. Also, try setting a weekly (or biweekly) date, and try to look forward to it with anticipation, rather than dread. I have found that getting into the habit really helps break a funk. I'm not minimizing the real lack of drive, because I've been there, but I have found that getting my head into the right place has helped.

Hi A.,
Although I am not in your situation (I am only pregnant with my first child), I do know how you feel. I love my husband very much and he is handsome. He quite smoking a year ago, which makes him more attractive minus the smell! But, since we met 7 years ago, he has put on quite a bit of weight, especially after quiting. I am still attracted to him, of course, but I found him more attractive...before. Having sex often enough became a problem. Both of us became "used" to it and it is very bad. Now being 5 mos pregnant, we hadn't done it since Feb! My breasts were killing me the entire time to so touching was out of the question. However, a couple of weeks ago, we finally did it. It's not easy, A.. It takes hard work to relax your mind and WANT IT! You have to think of how much you love him, and that you want to show him in this way. It's extremely important in a marriage. You can do it--but you really have to TRY!! Do you feel sexy? Can you put on something sexy for him? Even just a robe after a nice hot shower does it for me!! Sometimes after I take a nice shower, I'm more relaxed and can get in the mood. Does he tell you he thinks your beautifuL ever? Good luck, and if all else fails, you can maybe contact a professional. OR...I know this may sound a bit tacky but it really gets people going...a sex toy party! I had a very professional "love enhancement" specialist come over and I got some girls together and she was HILARIOUS! She kept it very professional and FUN. My husband was excited at some of the stuff I might surprise him with to give our bedroom lives that little bit of spark. All of the "guys" who's wives were attending were talking about it. It was funny! Actually, I just noticed your in Southington, CT and so am I!!! If you are interested, I will give you her name and #. I sure hope this gets better for you.

Of course you don't want sex. First of all after keeping up with a toddler and baby your exhausted. Second hormones are a BIG part of this. Third after having a baby attached to your brest for what seems like most of the day, the last thing you'd want is your husband near them.

As time goes on your hormones will get back to normal, and you will feel more in the mood. Of course your husband has no clue how you feel. Try explaining to him how you feel, or possibly sharing some of these responses.

A.,
I had the same problem after my daughter was born and it literally ended a week after I stopped breastfeeding. When I did more research, I found that our hormones are very different when we are breastfeeding and this may have something to do with the lack of sex drive. (Also having a baby on your body all day doesn't help!) I breastfed for a year and I know it was best for my baby and i plan to do it again with the next one... but sex does take a backseat for awhile. I spoke to my husband during the process and told him the breasts were hands-off and it helped my sex drive a little. I also was given the okay to have a small glass of wine to relax with husband to loosen up a bit occasionally. You are only 5 months out of a huge life/body adjustment...sometimes a little grown-up relaxation will help you feel the drive. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. You will feel it again soon!! Communication is the key with your hubby. Take Care, D.

A.,

No, your not alone. I'm also breastfeeding and don't like it when my husband touches my breasts. I had to ask him to just kiss my and hold me during the forplay and then to have sex. My daughter is 4 months old and I'm not into the whole sex thing again either but I like the holding the kissing. Basically I have been letting to continue into sex because I thought it would eventually make me want it again but it hasn't yet. Sorry I don't have some great revolation but at least you aren't alone. Good luck.
L.

A.,
You are not alone. I have a 2yr old and a 3mth old and am nursing and feel exactly the same way.

Hi A....
I guess a lot of us feel the same way. I have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and a 5 month old. And I stay at home with them, and it is exhausting along with still breastfeeding. My hubby and I really just started to get back into the groove again. I am so tired at night, and when he gives me hints, I think to myself - Ugh, I'm so tired.... But, I went along with it. But now, we try to get it in in the A.M. when the kids aren't up yet, also, trying new things is exciting too. Sometimes I definitely think - I'm too tired - but once you get into the mood, the tiredness goes away some how. But even though I am in the mood more often now, when he goes near my breasts I can't stand it. It just feels like the baby is there, it really doesn't do anything for me, and I've told him that, but I think he does it for his enjoyment.... So I don't mind. Good luck. I hope some of the advice helps.