No Sex Drive!

Hi M., I too have been in the same boat as you. I am 25 with a 2 1/2 year old and from the time I had my daughter up until about Feb of this year I have had no sex drive. I was told by 2 different doctors it was because of the child birth process and because of my lack of hormones. I was put on a high dose birthcontrol pill to regulate my hormones and needless to say...IT WORKED! I don't know if this would help you, but it did me. And since I'm not ready to try and have another baby so im getting the benefits of B/C in 2 ways! Helping the sex drive and advoiding getting pregnant again! I hope this helps!

hi M.! well, it's good to know that i am not the only one with this problem! some of the problem could be stress and some of the problem could be low seratonin (i think) in the brain. you could also suffer from too much estrogen and not enough progesterone in the body. that can lower the sex drive. i may have something that could help you with that if you would like to try it. if you find something else, though, let me know!

I am 32 and have been this way for years. I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism last year and have been treated. My thyroid levels are now evening out so I am making a concerted effort to iniate or be responsive. I think my husband notices a difference, but I do have to put effort into and "plan" it. I try not to let him know that though! Good Luck!!!!

I am so with you girl! I have the very same problem--to a "T". I don't like it at all, not interested at all, and just glad to be done when I "give in". I definitely think there is something hormonal. I have talked with my husband, who I now see is very understanding from what you say about your husband's reaction. I have talked with a marriage counselor and she thinks there are things that doctors can do to help women with their libido, we just need to seek out those things... you may want to talk with your OB or general physician about the situation and see if there is something they can do or prescribe to help. Remember that you are not alone...
P.S. I am 29 and been married for almost 5 years if that gives you an idea of how similar our stories are!

I have "reservations" about sex. I don't want anymore kids so the thought about getting preggers scares me and interferes with enjoying it. Once I get aroused enough that melts away. Till then though I am not interested. Not really. So is there maybe an issue you can't put your finger on that would interfere with you being intimate? Something to think about!

Does your husband make you feel sexy? Or, when he tries to initiate sex, does he make you feel like he just wants to get off, and that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you?

That could be a big issue with you not wanting sex. If he made you feel sexy and wanted and loved, and that sex was more than just getting your respective rocks off, I imagine you'd want to experience it more. Maybe try going out on a date with him, dressing up sexily, eating at a nice restaurant or going to see a movie, and flirting with each other across the table or in the back row... Get some sexy lingerie or maybe a new toy-- whatever you are comfortable with-- and YOU initiate for a change.

Personally, I have a very high sex drive, and one of the things that turns me on the most is knowing that my husband desires me. Turning him on is the best aphrodisiac in the world for me. Get your husband's motor running and see if that does anything for yours.

I have a bit of a problem with it too, but mine is due more to working full time, going to (nursing!) school full time, and having an 8 month old to keep up with. However-- one of my friends has a low sex drive too. Are you on birth control pills? You could try a different form and come off those... also, try taking testosterone (talk to your doctor), that's supposed to help alot. It does sound initially to me like it's more psychological though. Have you been to any sort of counseling? My husband and I did that, and it helped us tremendously. It sounds like you love your husband very much, and you've been together so long it would be a shame to give up now over something like this. What if you tried to initiate sometime? I know that might sound stupid, but if you just kinda push yourself into it, you might enjoy it more that way. Does he help you around the house and with the kids? He doesn't sound overly supportive to me... maybe that's part of the problem? Whatever you decide-- good luck!

Hi,
I am also a 28 yr old mother who has no sex drive. I have went to Dr.'s and asked them about it. They checked my hormone levels and said that it was fine. Then they said it might be because of my body image that I don't like. Meaning if I don't feel sexy I wont want sex. Also, they said that I may just be too tired. They suggested that my husband also help out around the house and maybe I wouldn't be so tired. They also suggested doing more foreplay. Not just to have sex but just to do foreplay. My husband wasn't too fond of that idea. I still have no sex drive but I try to initiate even if i don't want too. Just to keep it civil in the house. I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I am seeing that this is very common. I am 23 and I could live without it too. I am not saying that I don't enjoy it when we do though. Do you feel sexy? What makes you feel sexy? I would suggest finding out what that is and talk to your husband about it. Maybe some pretty underwear? I have had people tell me that just a nice pair of underwear can remind you that you are a beautiful sexy woman. I think we get too absorbed with being mothers and homemakers (which are also important) and we forget that we are wonderful women and we can be sex-machines wives! I know that life is stressful and that can hinder it too, but it is sure worth a try!

I feel like I am reading from a page in my history. I too married my highschool sweetheart and started dating him when I was 14. We married the summer of 97. We have a daughter who is 8 and a son who is 5. We don't have the issues of cheating or alcohol, but I have the issue more so of only being with 1 person forever. Especially since I have never been with anyone but him. My sex drive is like yours, not there. Do you get nights out with the girls. I know that may seem weird, but that has really helped me. I just needed some time to talk and escape with my girls. This seems to make it better when this issue is brought up. My husband doesn't force it though so it's not like I feel like I have to, although I know he would like to. Maybe if he let you initiate it it would be better. I always think to myself that I could probably go the rest of my life without sex again. I know this isn't for everyone, but, have you tied adding things so it's not the same ol all the time? Sorry if this offends you but I know that for us, the vibrator was something that livened it up for us. Sorry if it's too much info. Good luck!

im probably the youngest person to respond to this (im 23) but i totally know what youre going through. my husband and i have 2 boys, a 21 month old and a 3 month old. i just dont have the energy half the time because i have them to take care of, school (i have a year to go) and work. i just dont think about it a lot. im on an anti-depressant for PPD,celexa, but i dont think that has the sexual side effects that others do. i dont feel entirely sexy even though i lost all the baby weight. i still have some serious stretch marks and some belly left over. my husband, matthew, understands that i have a lot to do, and that i dont really feel sexy. he tries so hard to make me feel beautiful and sexy so i will want it, but a lot of the time, it just doesnt work. we fight about it, but i dont know what to do, either. i might go to my OB/GYN and see what she can do for me. maybe it is hormonal. i do enjoy sex once we get past the beginning, but like you, i get seriously irritated when he starts trying. i hope you find a solution. if my OB/GYN tells me something you might want to know, i'll let you know.

i have the same problem and i am 40 they say my sex drive should be fantastic but once i get past the ocwardness i'm fine too. resently i came home determined to have a good night with my husband i made a great dinner and rented a movie and we sat on the couch together i annitated[sorry can't spell] it and i did fine. so may be you need to just try to get to it before he thinks of it and you might do better also try taking some vitamins. i do think it's hormonal. i have had medical problems and i just have a hard time with it but keep trying if you want your marriage to work. maybe go see a doctor. good-luck deb

Hi M. :-)
I just joined this morning and I have to say that I am in the same boat as all the rest of you ladies...Only my story has a twist. I am not trying to plug my business or anything like that I promise, but I have found a product that works wonders!!! I don't think that we have anything wrong with our hormones, I htink we are TIRED !!!!! We are moms with kids, full time jobs (some more than one), houses and families to take care of, trying to go through school.....it's no wonder that when we finally do get into bed for the night..If I can even stay awake long enough to think...sex is the last thing I'm thinking about ;-) But back to my twist....I am a consultant with Pure Romance....most of you have probably heard the commercials on the radio , especially in Indy. We have a product called X-Scream, that is topical and has no hormones. It's just a heightener and when applied it starts to work instantly. It helps get us in the mood and makes everything they are doin' feel fantastic...even if they do it wrong :-)I also agree with the one girl's post about trying to keep it spicy with toys, and such. You'll find what works for you....just hang int here! And we all have our days when nothing will help (those are the nights my hubby calls me the vegetarian butcher....he's such a smarty) Good Luck sweetie....hang in there and have fun finding what sparks your guy's fire :-)
K.

M.,
Speak with your ob/gyn, this is a very commen medical issue, and your Dr. should be able to help. Best of luck!
R.
Also I found this ____@____.com:
Lack of interest in sex, low libido (hypoactive sexual desire disorder - HSDD
here is the link... http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/lowlibido.htm

hi M.-
no real advise, just sympathy, since that is one of the few things we argue about here too. wish i could help, just wanted tolet youu know youre not alone.
T.

M. it is pretty common actually for a woman to lose their sex drive, thats what im told eveidently. I think some of it can be your relationship with your husband and how he reacts to this, but i go thru the same thing, i am okay once we get started but i never initate it, i just dont even think about it, you are not alone, i totally understand. I am 39 though and the doctor thinks i may be going thru premenapause, so i dont know my reason, it can be thyroid problems or being diabetic, who knows, but if you speak to your gyno they can maybe help you with that, but in all reality if thats why your husband wants a divorce, because of your lack of sex drive then he needs to check himself and ask how much he really loves you, good luck sweetie i hope you find help, God bless

M.,
Have been there with my husband as well and I am still there, my turned out to be a female issue at first, but now we have discovered there was a blockage in my heart and aorta that has decreased mine as well. When I was working we were normal married couples once or twice a week then went to nothing. Now I am home all the time and get so lonely and when I am ready to have sex it seems its the wrong time of the day for me, with my kids coming in from school and dinner and homework and baths and by the time i get to bed its really late and im very tired. My husband and I have had numerous talks and I assured him it was not him and nor did I have anyone else, I just dont have the drive I should and I am 37, lost my drive 7 years ago. He now understands what happened to my drive, due to my health. But sometimes even if I dont want too i know i need to or i will lose him, so as embarassing as this is to say, I just lay there get into it for him and fake it. Us women can do that very well. Also if you are certain medications, do some research on them as well and see if its maybe one of them. But contact your gyn doctor and see what he/she has to say maybe there is a pill you can try, like viagra for women. Or even call hubby home early from work before the kids get home and it gets all hectic. As for your "body image" that is in your head, you arent happy with the way you look. But I was and still am the same way with my body and my husband tells me all the time its not my body he fell in love with it was me on the inside he fell in love with. So if he thinks your beautiful then you are beautiful. Now that I am a stay at home mom, if I feel down about myself I put on my make up and do my hair and try to make myself look good for him and it makes me feel better and sometimes puts me in the mood. Or you 2 can go away for the weekend and spend some "quality time" alone. Hope this helps good luck to you.

M., I can relate to your situation. I am 35 now but a few years ago I went through the same thing. Don't sweat it though. I went to my Doc about it because my hubby also threatened divorce and actually packed up to leave one time because I just couldn't bring myself to have sex with him. Doc put me on a lotion with testosterone in it and it worked very well :) There are new meds over the counter now in the condom section of like Walgreens, haven't tried those but they should work about the same. Another thing you can try is, make a date. Send the kids to Mom's overnight, go to dinner or just sit at home with a movie and relax. With no stress it is much easier to give in. We like to "tease" each other through out the day. We have cell phones, so we text each other at different intervals telling the other what we would like to do or have done later that night. It does wonders for the ego and you'll find your ready to roll :) Hope these ideas help.

I'm probably repeating what's been said. Talk to you OB/GYN and see if it's hormones or more psychological. Counseling can help, too, maybe to bridge the gap between the understandings.

I have a 5.5 month old and I know my hormones are part of the reason I have a very little libido, but part is psychological b/c I'm getting highly irritated more often with my husband and work is picking up, too.

Hopefully getting one part of that worked out can make the rest better. It's a game though to figure out which one will make all the difference.

I hope things get better and your husband becomes more understanding.

Wow..I am not alone and I am going to feel like a broken record. lol! I recently turned 24 and I have had this problem since I was 21. Yes 21! I should be the peak of sexual drive right...well that was once I had my first son. Once the child came..the sex drive went. I couldnt figure out what was going on. I went to the doctor and psychologist as well. Alot had to do with all the above issues that was stated. The big one for me was I couldnt separate being a mom and a wife. When I was suppose to have my focus on me and my husband. I was busy being a mom in my head. I couldnt get past diaper changes, crying baby and housework. My mind was everywhere else. So I was told to tune out all that, and try to get in the moment. That was easier said than done. I was would get upset after awhile of being pressured and nagged. So I would just do it and get it over with. That is how I looked at sex. It was a chore and not a pleasure. So I tried to do different things to get in the mood. Like stated above, I would try to make it seem like I was interested in it before he was...made him beg for it. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didnt. When your stressed out about things...of course your not going to have a sex drive.. that is normal. Anyways..all the advice I can give is to try to separate all the stuff running through your head and try to get in the moment. That will make a big difference. Good luck. ____@____.com if you need to talk anytime.

Wow...I feel the same exact way and I am 30. I don't know what is wrong with me and we really have not dealt with cheating. I just don't think about it anymore. We have been together for six years and since the baby I just have no sex drive either. I have no idea what to tell you other than I will watch and see what other people tell you. I have come to the conclusion that there is something chemically or hormonal in me that has changed or is off. I also enjoy it once we do it but the initial part where he wants it irritates me. my husband just started traveling for business and has now been gone for two weeks so we will see if when he gets back it will be different. Good luck. You just told my story. That is almost the only thing we argue about also.

Don't get a divorce! If it goes that far, get some marriage counseling. It could be a number of things. If your concerned it's your hormones... It could be, you've had two children. That alone will knock your hormones out of wack. Go to the doctor and have them checked. Another thing you could be feeling resentment, but you said that was a long time ago. How long has your sex drive been low? Last but not least. Maybe you two need a romantic weekend away from the kids, or add some spice and try role playing or something interesting. Good luck. If you want you can email me.

Looks like we're all paddling in the same boat. I've read all the responses (and they're all excellent!!). Many great suggestions. I have one to add. I had the same issue a few years ago. My doctor said that some (most) anti-depressants can cause you to lose sex drive! I have taken Prozac and Effexor and both of them (I believe) were the cause of my lack of desire. I was even on the lowest dose available!! Now, I take Lexapro 10mg and I am much better! If any of you take an anti-depressant, this may be part of the problem. Try switching and see if that helps.

I also think that women being women, we will withhold sex if we're disrespected. We are emotional beings. Men are physical beings. A man can be turned on by seeing something, we are more moved by feeling (emotional). Communication is HUGE! If you are angry or frustrated or feeling slighted at all, don't hold it in until it becomes a huge mountain of little insignificant things. Tell him right away. Men don't realize when they say stupid stuff or do something idiotic that completely irks your nerves unless you tell them. If you stay quiet... they never know what they did just cost them their weekly dose of nookie! HAHAHA Seriously though... if you can communicate, you can get through it.

M.
I think that everyone has the same problem at some point in their life and it's normal. You should have your hormones tested at your age anyhow. They say that everyone should have their hormones tested at age 20 because they can catch some diseases and prevent them early!! Ask you dr and maybe she can help!

I also have the same issues with no interest in sex, I get irritated almost with Tony when he tries foreplay. one thing though with me is that if I will myself to 'put up' with the initial part then after we get going then I'm fine with it. I'm only 29 myself so I wonder sometimes about a medical reason but for the most part I think its just a phase we go through sometimes. we've also took to experimenting a bit to spice up our sex life, movies, toys, such like that

After I had my baby girl, I had the same problems with my sex drive. I didn't really care if i had it or not, but I had it anyway because I would feel bad for my husband. Well, we decided to get off birth control 1 1/2 years ago, have no baby yet, but our sex life is awesome! I look forward to doing it now! If you are on birth control, sometimes, that is mainly the reason with no sex drive... Also, have you tried different toys? they can do alot for your sex drive... :-)

Hey don't blame your looks for the affair that your husband had! it was his fault! You didn't do it! He married you for better or WORSE! Looks come in the worse department sometimes. Maybe that is also why you don't feel like doing it.

And maybe like the one lady said... does he initiate it by just wanting to get off? or does he really want to be intimate with you, his one and only?

Try dating. That is always good for the relationship.

best of luck to you!

Hi, well you are not alone!!! Alot of women go through this after having children. I am divorced and remarried now. I had the same problem with my new husband! So out of curiosity, b/c I was already going back to college I took a Human Sexuality Course. There is a lot to sex. And he needs to try the theory that sex starts at Breakfast. For you it might take a couple of days to get you going! Then make it a special evening alone with no kids and no time limits. Try it, it might help. If not it could definitely be hormones! Go and have them tested. There is also this place called the Gray Sex Clinic!!! Wonderful PLACE!!! Good luck!

Yup, sam situation here. I am also 28, been married for 7 years. I just recently went to the OB/gyn about it. She said that since I can get into it after a while, she won't give me testosterone. She suggested a book called His Needs, Her Needs. I have gone to the library and can't find it. I got a different one though, and trust me on this...don't let your husband find out about you reading a book about it. Mine is usually very supportive and understanding of everything, but not about this book. The doctor said it is related to our feelings..he does something to make us mad, and we withhold sex. It keeps getting worse and worse. I suppose the books help you understand this is happening. I didn't feel like I have done this on purpose to punish him. The book I am reading teaches you the things he needs that will make him give us the things we need. I am not a feminist, but in the one I am reading, things just don't sound right. I think I will buy the other one my doctor recommended.
Hopefully we can all get over this!

My husband and I are dealing with this too. It started when I was about 23 (I am 27 now). Having the baby definately didn't help. I really think it is psychological for me, but I wish it was medical so I could take a pill and make it all better. It is infuriating... I WANT to want sex, but I don't. I get annoyed and don't want to be touched. That didn't happen until the pregnancy. Now I feel touched out from my son I think. I am a bit different than the other women... once I am in it, it is ok, but I still am not totally into it like when I was younger. I wish all of you luck in getting through this. my husband is amazing and I really want to work through this. one problem for me is that I am scared to see a therapist because we are on independent insurance now that I am part-time at work. A lot of insurance companies charge outrageous rates or won't cover people that go to therapy... so I might need to pay out of pocket so I don't screw us in the future...

Oh my gosh- I am the exact same way. Aside from having sex to have a baby- if we never had sex again- I'd be completly okay with it.
I think it has to do with the resentment. I know it does for me. I too have dealt with cheating- while we've been married- so the trust has been lost. I'm trying to figure out how to regain the trust I use to have in him-- but it's hard.
So I can completly understand. Not that I think you're crazy, but seeing just a counselor- to talk out your feelings might help. I was working with one in Dallas (over the phone) but the calls weren't working since he was driving home from work- and obviously not consentrating on the conversation.
If you figure anything out- let me know!
L.